People occasionally ask me why I think Group Therapy is so successful. I think it comes down to the special bond between our massive legions of Rock-A-Holics. It’s all about helping each other out! Sometimes, it just seems like a great big family…and of course, there’s never any trouble in a family, is there?
Okay, okay. I may be wrong about that.
We recently heard from a Rock-A-Holic named Marcus, who really needs our help. Marcus ran into a friend of his old high school girlfriend over the holidays, and you can imagine his surprise when this woman suggested he might be the father of the girlfriend’s twelve-year-old daughter!
Both Marcus and his ex are happily married, and he says he really has no clue if the woman’s suggestion might be true. In his mind, Marcus wonders if it’s a bad idea to interfere in this girl’s life. She’s 12 years old, after all, and if she has a stable, happy life, why would anyone choose to rock her world with such massive drama?
There’s another issue at work: Should Marcus create drama in his own life, and tell his wife that this possibility exists? What if he’s NOT the father? Can his marriage survive the stress of investigating this?
Here’s my big problem: Why did he have to hear this from the mother’s friend, instead of the mother herself? That sounds like someone who’s looking to create some chaos, and maybe just for the fun of it. People do that, and it’s really pretty pathetic.
What do you think? Have you been in this situation? How did you handle it? And how did it work out for you, baby?
It could be that the girl is trying to create drama. The 12 y.o. girl may well be his child and the mother figures it's not worth it at this point to ruin/change anyones life, especially the childs, by telling him. The mother more than likely told her friend and this "friend" took it upon herself to inform the guy, becuase she couldn't keep the info to herself. Granted it's a big secret to keep, but sometimes its for the overall good of everybody to keep you mouth shut!
If it's possible, contact the ex-GF w/o telling his wife (just yet) and see what she has to say. If she thinks it's possible (which I'm guessing she does if her friend is in the know) and as long as the mom is consenting, get a DNA test done. He really has two options at this point, tell his wife about the possibility and his contacting the mom before the DNA test is done and let her work through it with him, or wait to find out the results and then tell her if they indicate he is the father.
I'm not advocating lying to your spouse. If he can mitigate the situation and it turns out he isn't the father, he can possibly avoid any extra baby drama....however there is the potential for marital drama because he hid it from her....Either way its a touchy situation if he decides to pursue it.
Group Therapy advice
I'm in my late forties, have a great career, nice home, and great friends; can't seem to find a man that is wroth anything?? I know BJ is a bit of a misogynist and will love my generalization but the facts speak for themselves.
I have dated men who weren't handsome thinking that in the past I was setting the bar too high but they too prove to be just as big of louses as the hot men...
Any men out there that don't live with their mom's, have a job, and aren't broke (financially and/or emotionally?)
What am I doing wrong? where should I be looking.... is it too late for me?
The choice here is simple, forget it and move on. If the mother wanted him to know, she would have told him herself. If she is happily married and the kid has a stable home life, there is no need to turn the whole thing upside down. It may sound like harsh advice, telling the guy to forget it and move on. But if he is happily married and has a good family at home, then it should be quite simple for him to do.
Yes.. A shame he found out second hand. But sometimes in life, when it comes to our children in particular, we make decisions that at the time that we feel are in the best interests of the child(ren) Sometimes, we later re-think things and either make changes regarding that decision or leave it alone. We as parents have a responsibility to ensure a wholesome development.From the outside, not knowing the reason for witholding the information, people pass judgement, and that is wrong. Finding out second hand was wrong on the part of the friend. It was a 'maybe'? Be sure of your facts before you open your mouth and upset the apple cart so to speak...
RE: Group Therapy advice
I submitted your comment to be considered for a future Group Therapy. The advice everyone has given me is that when you stop looking, it will happen. Hope that helps! -