Yesterday during Group Therapy, we read an email from Tricia, a Rock-A-Holic who needed some serious advice about her marriage.
She is 36-years-old and has been married to her husband for 12 years and he loves him very much. The problem is she doesn’t like having sex…AT ALL. Tricia has sex with her husband but she feels like it’s a chore and does it to make her husband happy. She recently read an article online that said 30% of couples that have had one partner engage in an affair had permission from their spouse to do so.
Tricia doesn’t feel like its fair that her husband doesn’t get to have as much sex as he’d like and when he does, he has to have sex with someone who doesn’t want to do it with him.
First off, I’d like to give her an incredible amount of props for bringing up a topic that is one of the biggest kept secrets in the female community. The same goes for men, even though I believe the number of men not wanting to have sex with their spouse would seem to be a lower.
Many women get mad when I say this but, when you get married, you are not forced to have sex with anyone, but that is a big part of that relationship. Don’t get married if you don’t want to have sex.
I think this is a fantastic thing to bring up for discussion. This could make for happier marriages if first off the couple is able to talk about their sexual incompatibilities and work that out.
Sadly, a good amount of couples are sexually incompatible and they don’t find out until after they say “I do.”
Many of us have been trained to believe that sex is the same thing as love but in reality we know it is not.
I would recommend Tricia and her husband go seek out a therapist who specializes in this and talk to her husband about it in that environment. It may help her work out her own issues and/or they might decide that it is best to keep their relationship just emotional and have him get his physical needs taken care of elsewhere.
I would suggest a divorce. At 36 you have a long time to live and sex is a major part of life, we are very sexual beings.
I did notice she said that he should, "be able to have sex with someone who enjoys it with him." Notice she didn't say, "with someone who enjoys it." Just a simple observation, but I believe she might enjoy sex with someone else so I suggest they break up and she seeks the full package instead of settling.
I think it's ridiculous that sex is the one thing that married couples are not allowed to share with anyone else. You can have a hiking partner, a rides companion, a movie companion, anything else. Open marriages can work as long as you are truthful. If you think about it, that's what really breaks marriages apart when an affair takes place. It's not the fact that the partner had sex. It's that they hid it.
My life partner and I have been married for 10 years. We have had an open relationship from the beginning. We're happier now than ever before. As a matter of fact, SHE is the one who wants more sex. She gets different and amazing sex as much as she likes. The only condition is that I know about it, and even then it's more for practical scheduling purposes. Especially now that we have a 10 month old.
It's not some mystical deep dark secret that demands counseling. This idea that we will find one true partner and they will fulfill every need in your life is a load of garbage. Get over it, get out there, and get some!
Ya know sharing sex is the one thing that transfers STD's! Are you crazy? Sex was and is meant to be an intimate thing shared between a man and woman that love each other. If everyone felt the way you do about sharing sex there would be so many suffering from disease! Sex is meant to create children by a man and a woman that love each other! If you can not get that you are dreadfully missing something!