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BJ Shea

 BJ Shea

BJ'S BLOG 02/26/14 "Surviving an Affair"

If there’s one thing I know for sure, it’s this:
The Rock-A-Holics are a loyal and trustworthy lot…well, except for that guy in the back. Oh, and I didn’t see you there, ma’am. That couple who just walked in? You can’t trust ‘em as far as you can throw ‘em, but I don’t have much upper arm strength, so maybe that’s unfair.
We need to open up some Group Therapy for Danny, who is looking for feedback from any Rock-A-Holics who are surviving an affair. Danny’s wife cheated during a rocky part of their marriage, but he feels like anybody can make a mistake, even one as a serious as infidelity, and he’d like to give their marriage another shot.
Danny’s friends think that he should dump her, but he’s not ready to give up. His wife also wants to keep the marriage going, so there’s no question about the willingness of both parties. Danny would love to hear your advice and stories, successful or otherwise.
BONUS HONESTY POINTS: Have you ever been the cheater in this scenario? How did you rebuild the relationship after your own indiscretion?

02/26/2014 6:57AM
BJ'S BLOG 02/26/14 "Surviving an Affair"
Please Enter Your Comments Below
02/26/2014 11:19AM
to stay or not to stay? tuchee
Anyone in a long relationship or marriage knows it takes work, alot.pride has no place, to be forgiving is a necessity if couples are gonna last. As long as their working on their goals n relationship together this should be a no brainer especially if there r children involved. I say work at it but hey what do I know I've only been with my wife 18 years and we have 5 kids. Loyal listener 4 life. J@mmpn
02/26/2014 11:26AM
Good luck
My neighbor thinks the same way Danny does... they are still married BUT she continues to cheat with other men. My wife and I felt bad for him at first but after the 2nd, 3rd and a few others later we don't. We can continue to see the toll that it is taking on him. Danny its you're call but remember you are always going to have that doubt of is she or isnt she cheating.... best of luck
02/26/2014 11:37AM
Washington Wanker
Divorce the ho!
02/26/2014 11:41AM
I was a cheater...
I was a cheater at one time, and I took responsibility for it. The problem was that the marriage was broken before I cheated, and it never really recovered. We went to therapy, I acknowledged my part, and took responsibility, but she never did. She liked reminding me of it all the time, torturing me with it, holding it over my head. She never acknowledged that she had a part to play in why it happened. 3 years later I packed up my stuff and left, after I realized that she would never trust me or respect me again, regardless of what changes I made in my life. I went to therapy, realized it was time for me to go, and left. My life has been 100% better since. I think if you get to the point where somebody cheats, it's pretty bad, but it can be fixed, if both people can forgive and work together. If one person refuses to forgive the other, then it's over. Marriage is really difficult, the only people who know this are people who have been married before. You have to work really hard at it, and even then, sometimes it fails.
02/26/2014 12:43PM
YOU make the choice.
I was in the exact same situation about 3 years ago. I made the choice for myself about what I wanted. Not what my wife wanted, not what my family wanted, not what my friends wanted. I decided that our past did not decide our future and that whatever laid ahead of us MY choices were what would get me there. I couldn't force my wife to take the same road, but if she chose to, our future could be as amazing and wonderful as I wanted it to be. So, I made the choice to stay. I made it crystal clear to everyone around me that I did not want to hear anything from anyone that would not build me up and encourage me to go after what I wanted. So... they shut up. They knew what my choice was and did everything they could to either cheer me on or bite their tongues. Our marriage still isn't "fixed", but we're working on it. And my faith in MY choice, has never wavered. My faith in my wife has, of course, been shaken. But my resolve and self-respect have never been stronger.
02/27/2014 5:05AM
Emotional or Sexual?
Was it sex or emotional? Emotional affairs are worse than sex.
02/27/2014 7:57AM
RE: Emotional or Sexual?
I agree. Both are bad but I would rather someone physically cheat than emotionally cheat on me because emotional cheating hurts more. -
02/27/2014 8:13AM
RE: I was a cheater...
At least you took accountability for it. I'm glad you're doing much better! -
02/27/2014 8:33AM
been there
My husband had an emotional affair with a woman. Although he said he would never psychically cheat on me it was still cheating. We ended up going to counseling and are currently trying to repair our marriage.
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