BJ Shea

 BJ Shea

BJ'S BLOG 03/20/13 "Kids Come First"

Yesterday, we read a message a Rock-A-Holic named Lucy sent us about an issue she is having involving her daughter’s father.

Lucy has a 10-year-old daughter that was a result of an affair she had with a married man.  When his wife found out about the pregnancy, she threatened to take everything from him if he continued to see Lucy.  The only thing he was allowed to do was pay his child support which he has never failed to pay.

About a month ago, he emailed Lucy to tell her that he is now divorced and wants to be in their daughter’s life now.

She doesn’t know what to do; her daughter would be excited to have her father in her life but Lucy doesn’t want their lives to be disrupted after all these years.  It would also break her heart to see him let their daughter down.

To me this is a no brainer; it shouldn’t matter what Lucy feels about this because it’s not about her, it’s about her child.  That is who should come first.

Plus, this guy has been paying his child support; they were both irresponsible when they had an affair but he’s been doing his part and paying to help raise this kid so he has every right to meet and get to know his daughter.
Now I don’t know what Lucy’s situation is now in terms of men in her life, but how many times have we heard of single moms bringing strange men to meet their kids too quickly?

Kids deserve to know about their origins.  I’m not necessarily saying that they should know everything about their parents’ past but they should know where they come from.

The bottom line is that their daughter should come first, and she deserves to know both her parents.


03/20/2013 8:20AM
BJ'S BLOG 03/20/13 "Kids Come First"
Please Enter Your Comments Below
03/20/2013 10:45AM
Too true!
Yes the little girl deserves to know her father! And true Lucy needs to get over herself because her daughter is infinitely more important and deserves to know that she came from two people that love her very much. Just because they aren't togetherdoesn't mean the child should go on not knowing her fathers love; that would just be cruel and selfish of Lucy!
03/20/2013 11:08AM
Kids do come 1st
As a father of 2 children now in their late teens who had their mom walk out on them 16 yrs ago I would say tread with caution. My ex tried so many times to come back in and it lead to a ton of heat break. Now at 18 & 20 neither of them want anything to do with her. Now I know some of us out there would say maybe they are taking a side or something stupid like that. Not true I tried many times with & w/o offering professional help the youngest just turned 18 and she has said as far as she is concerned her mother had 18 yrs to make it right and didn't so she is done. As this is sad to hear for some of you I have always been honest & tried to leave the door open. So this is my advice is use a professional & do your due diligence to your daughter giver her the shot in a controlled environment until she is ready. Be honest & follow your gut instinct to protect your kid but do the right thing by them. If you are honest your child will know you did it for them and they can make an informed choice. Don't hold a grudge or harbor bad feeling or resentment for your bad choices. Your child did not choose this you put them in it.
03/20/2013 11:09AM
I totally agree with you bj, this father paid and wants to do his part. Even after 6 years of my son's dad never even trying to be involved in his life including not paying child support, I would never stop my son if he wanted to see him! It is about what the child wants not the past!
03/20/2013 2:36PM
Clearly people are stupid... A man chose his wife over his own blood...whom he had clearly broke his marital contract with already... So he's an idiot in this regard and doesn't deserve the consideration if the child didn't want to meethim. However since she does you should let her or she will despise her mother in the future for not.
03/20/2013 6:05PM
I was a victim of my ex wife wanting my kids simply because I didnt switch to Catholicism which she became more and more fanatical about each year. She lied about me to justify this end of goal of keeping them away from a dad who is not Catholic. Now I see them every 3rd weekend and drive 400 miles to pick them up and return them for 5 years now, 2 weeks only in the summer. Everyone including my lawyer said the courts favor the woman so I should settle to the above than risk court with her lies. My kids and I both want more time and I didnt have kids to just deposit a check every month, I love my kids. The custodial parent if hostile is going to try to brainwash the kids to boot- of course there circumstances out there that kids should be reunited with the noncustodial. The whole system of divorce many times is who can smear the other the worst and get away with it and I got caught at a time with no money for a good lawyer and certainly not wealthy now.
03/21/2013 7:04AM
New Dad
I believe that Lucy should not be so hesitant to let their ten year old daughter see her father. Obviously, she thought there was some good in him at one point to create this child in the first place. I think letting her not see her father would do more damage than keeping her from him. Yes the man made bad choices, but he has never once failed in his financial duties. Now the man just wants to make up for lost time, which he has already lost ten years of, things he can never get back. her first steps, her first word, first day of school. Those are memories he can never get back. So let him try to be a father and cherish the time he does have left. Let him get to know his Daughter. But hey, I'm a new dad, so what do I know?
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