Howdy, Rock-A-Holics! You wanna hang out? We could try some Group Therapy together, if you’re into that…
Kevin and his girlfriend are both in their early 30s, and they’ve been together for a couple of years now…but she recently confessed something that has left Kevin in a state of shock. The girlfriend admitted that she was in a 5-year relationship when they met, and she dumped the guy when she and Kevin “started hanging out.”
(My first question in this story: What does “hanging out” mean, exactly? Friendly get-togethers? Pants or no pants? It’s so hard to decode the terminology these days.)
Kevin’s world has been a little bit rocked by this revelation. He’s bothered that she kept a secret from him, and he’s worried that she might do the same thing to him.
I’m pretty sure that the majority of all relationships end up one of two ways: you’re either together forever, or you don’t earn your tenure. Even when the outcome falls into a grey area, it still comes to one of those two conclusions.
Is it worth the concern that Kevin’s going through? Objectively, this girlfriend really only broke up a previous relationship in favor of Kevin. It’s never good to lie, or keep secrets, in a relationship…but could she be the rare leopard that changes her spots? Furthermore, does she earn any points for being honest about it, even if it took her a little while to get there?
Have any of you been through this? Can you offer Kevin some advice?
BONUS HONESTY POINTS: Are you, or your partner, a reformed cheater?
My now husband was the one who pulled this on me he referred to his now ex as his ex from the day we met. We hung out(pants off for) quite a while...during this time she was under the impression that they were dating and trying to get back together. They we're hanging out (pants on) very rarely but hanging out none the less she is also the mother of his son. He waited till I was all in and fell in love before he finally told the ex it was over between them and then informed me he hadn't been completely honest. I was livid but I gave him a shot. 5years later we are married have a daughter together and have blended our children. He's never strayed since. He hasn't had time to he's become a homebody and doesn't go out unless its both of us together. So there is hope. Everyone thought he would be 'that guy' the one who never settles down and bounces from girl to girl. He said he never wanted to get married but he did and he loved it now.
Dump the Ho!
A tricky situation
Firstly, I agree that there's a lack of information in "started hanging out". If there was any sort of physical relationship prior to her breaking up with her former boyfriend for Kevin, then she would have cheated prior to ending the relationship. If this is the case, then there's a standard to follow suit.
If they did it once, they more than likely will do it again. I especially believe this given that it could have happened after five years of commitment in that relationship.
However, as I can't determine whether or not this is the case, I'd have to say that ultimately the decision can only be made once Kevin can determine whether or not he can trust her. On one end, she did tell him; on the other, it took her a few years to do so.
Personally, I wouldn't bother with the situation. If the current relationship has been going on for a few years and he's had no reason to distrust her prior to this knowledge, then he should be able to continue on that path. Though, I'd also be sure to keep this fact in the back of my mind; if there ever comes a point where there's a lot of suspicious behavior, the circumstances may change.
I have done something like this, although my ex and I were only together for a month shy of a year. I had met my current boyfriend while I was still with my ex, visiting here in Seattle (I was originally from out-of-state). When I went back home, I dumped my ex and waited a year to finish school, then moved here to be with my boyfriend. During that year apart, we kept in daily contact through the internet. We now have been together for 7 years. It was a truly odd beginning that most couples never would have gone through, but it was worth it. The only difference between me and Kevin is that my boyfriend knew I was with someone the whole time we were hanging out, so no secrets were kept.
RE: Opposite but similar
It is good to hear that it worked out for you! People tend to change their ways as they get older and it's good to see you were able to blend your family. - Vicky B
RE: my situation
You were honest about it and didn't do anything shady so good on you! :) - Vicky B
Bumps Along The Way
Well, I would say the fact she told him the truth is very significant. It ate at her, I'm sure until she couldn't take it and had to say something. I'm not trying to say it's ok, or pity her, but she realized it would feel so much better to be truely honest to herself and her man. I used to cheat alot, it was never ok, it made it hard to have anything with anyone, I think I used it to keep my lovers at a distance, or I was just too insecure and selfish. Either way, I def learned my lesson after being in a long term relationship with a guy who seemed to be programmed to love/hate me and always want to stray. I never cheated and honestly never felt the pull to. I tried to think of it as loving him for who he was, but in the end I felt so hurt and disrespected. That guy broke up with me, but still wanted to live with me and be a couple, unless something better came along. In the end, I reconnected with an old friend who ended up being the love of my life. I still lived with Mr. Stray when we met, and it was so strange cause he had convinced himself I was still his and his gf had gone crazy. Lol I was completely honest with my man and he understood. It's only been a year and a half, but this has been the happiest relationship of my life. We both were in really unhappy relationships, he's lost about 50-60 pounds and I've lost 45. I hope you can forgive her fully, cause honestly if you can't it can definetely make it hard to still be together. Those ghosts hold on unless you set them free. Good luck!
I did something similar. Totally out of character for me. Never done anything like it before. Only difference is my guy and I reconnected after many years, and he knew. We are going on 5 years together. We also have a child now, and looking to getmarried soon. I can't imagine being with anyone else. So happy I left the ex. It was a rebound thing, and he was making me miserable. And no, we had no children together thank goodness.
I'm guessing she was in this long term relationship and it was starting to fail when she met her new guy. Its very likely that she didn't consider what she was doing 'dating' until she realized she was developing feelings for this guy and there was no way to rationalize it as a 'friendship.' It sounds like she broke up with the guy when she realized she was heading toward relationship territory with new guy. However, if they were having pants-off fun times during her relationship with ex, then its absolutely cheating and she should have been honest from the start. But after all this time, is it worth ending what seems to be a great relationship over?