Yesterday during Group Therapy, I read a Facebook message from a Rock-A-Holic named “Sally” who was having problems motivating her boyfriend.
“Sally” has been with this man for five years and has two little girls with him. While she’s at her part time job or at school, he takes care of their daughters and has been a stay at home dad since the first baby was born.
Now she wants him to go out and get a job or start going to school, and she even filled out his paper work for the fall quarter of classes but he’s still dragging his feet.
“Sally” is just tired of him sitting at home “watching” the kids and playing video games all day.
When you have had a boyfriend for only five years and have children together, what do you expect will happen? “Sally” is in the middle of hell because just like some women, didn’t think she had to follow the rules when it came to having kids.
It used to be that if you were young, didn’t have chosen career path, you hadn’t finished schooling, and were an unwed parent, it was a bad thing. You weren’t a bad person but it wasn’t a good position to be in. Now in the year 2012, the feminist movement has told us that some women cannot be wrong about anything. It didn’t start out that way but, for some it has become the “women are never wrong movement.”
I don’t mean to beat her up because she is a Rock-A-Holic but I do want to use her as an example because I have to help out other young people before they find themselves in a similar situation that can be avoided.
The bottom line is that “Sally” made the mistake of having children with a man she was with for only a few years. If you start making babies with someone you don’t really know and without a marriage commitment…that is a really bad thing.
My rule for people in their 20’s is to court for five years before they can get married. Then, after three years of marriage, it’s ok to start having kids. That gives you eight years to really get to know your partner, get your finances and life in order, and creates a good foundation for your relationship that you and your children deserve.
I have seen it the other way around so much. The man was holding a job, and going to school to better himself and the family was barely making the rent. The woman was a stay at home mom, didn't really clean except for keeping a neat look, yet the dust would be everywhere. Cloths would be undone for days at a time, some times weeks.
Yet, if the man spoke up and asked the woman to help out more, or try going back to school, he would get grief from every corner of the world.
You are a smart woman, if things are not getting done around the house give him an incentive. If you would like him to get a job or school, do not enable him to just sit around and be taken care of.
If he wants to be a stay at home Dad, then there should be some things he needs to take care of at home. These both need to be talked through and planed out, because quiet frankly it is expensive for a baby sitter or day care. (Don't want to rely on parents all the time to watch the kids)
there are exceptions and success stories
I've been with my girl for four years now, we've had 2 kids. Before we had the first, I bought our house, and she's now a stay at home mom. Things are going outstanding for the both of us. We don't have to rely on a babysitter or a daycare center to watch our kids, and I make enough money to wear it isn't a burden.
The way we've done things isn't a model for success by any means- we just happen to have an awesome connection even after two kids... My message is that there are success stories out there
Now- that being said, this guy needs some motivation. Ask him something to the effect, "what part of this seems like a normal relationship to you?" Sounds like he's not pulling his weight. In fact, he's become a shackle. Time to get stern with the guy!