BJ Shea

 BJ Shea

BJ'S BLOG 09/10/12 "Move on or work on it?"

Last week during Group Therapy, we read a Facebook message from a Rock-A-Holic named “Jay.”

He has spent the last six years with his girlfriend and two kids. Three of those years he was engaged to her but there was no sign of marriage.

Two weeks ago, they both agreed to call the engagement off. 

She brought two kids with ADHD and anxiety disorders into the relationship from the start so he has been going to doctors appointments and has assumed the father role for the last six years because he loves these kids.

Jay is hurting bad and wanted to know what to do when someone falls out of love with you. Do you stick around and try to fix it in attempts of trying to find what they had years ago or should he just walk away.

Even though she has fallen out of love with him, Jay’s girlfriend says she is willing to try and he will only stick around with a person who doesn’t love him if there is a chance to rekindle that spark.
I’m very black and white in my thinking but I have come to understand that the world doesn’t always operate that way, it can be “yes and no” sometimes.

They can still try to make it work if they feel like they can make something from what happened or he can just pack up his things and go.

The big thing I can tell someone in this situation is to make sure they keep their self esteem. Don’t betray yourself because you deserve to be with someone who loves you.  It will be hard given the connection he has established with the kids but sometimes you just have to move on for your own benefit. 

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09/10/2012 7:55AM
BJ'S BLOG 09/10/12 "Move on or work on it?"
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09/10/2012 11:05AM
It doesn't work
Someone once said, "If you fall in love with two people, choose the second one, because you never would've fallen for the second one if you truly loved the first." While not exactly the situation, the concept behind this speaks true. In our society, there are two different definitions of love: to be IN love with someone implies that spark the writer speaks of, but you can love someone without that. It's all well and good if they still have love for each other, but I don't believe that "spark" or being "IN love" can come back once it's gone away. He needs to move on. It's the cold, hard truth, but love is a powerful emotion, and if she's lost it completely, it won't come back. It means she's looking for something else, not being fulfilled by a relationship with him, and that's not something work can fix. Work can fix problems if there's still love to provide the support. Without that, it's like working on a car without an engine. The most important piece is missing. He can still support the children if he wants, but I recommend a clean break instead of tormenting himself constantly with what he's lost. We've all had one get away, all been dumped, and know how being the one left always makes you miss them more. I believe this comes from a somewhat selfish corner of our minds demanding to be liked by everyone, to be wanted. Once he can get past that and move on emotionally, THEN he could offer to support their family again. (It sounds like these kids weren't even his, so while an honorable gesture, it's really not his place anyway) In short: move on, forget her, and keep a weather eye on that horizon for one who truly wants to be with you.
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