What's new my always looking for a good reason to throw some booze down the throat Blog-O-Holic? If you're like me then I'm sure you're stoked about the next couple months. This is the time of year were the calendar gives you plenty of reasons to get hammered. Maybe my favorite day of the year comes this Sunday were we finally pickup an extra hour of daylight. The dark ages are almost over! Not to mention the slew of dates that encourage you to party your face off. St. Patty's Day, Cinco De Mayo, and of course today Fat Tuesday! Now I'm sure the origins of all these "Holidays" have some other meaning for them but America has promptly turned them all into a drunken debacle disco......which I am truly grateful for. I've often said if you're a guy, Valentines Day is the best day to pick up chicks. Fat Tuesday..... comes in a real close second. Think about it. This is the one day that it's acceptable for chicks to get as hammered as they can possibly get and rip off their shirts, pull down their pants, and have lesbian make out sessions for.....................beads. That's it. Beads. Guys, think about all the money you've wasted buying girls drinks. Taking them out to dinner. Buying tickets to some God awful Broadway play. For what? So you can see them naked and see if you can witness their inner freak. Well guess what. For about 3 bucks worth of beads you can see a whole bars worth of chicks sexually exploding all over each other for some beads. So you may ask "Why do chicks like beads so much?" They don't. There is an inner slut in all chicks and Fat Tuesday is just another excuse for them to let it come flying out. For example: See Halloween. Even if girls only drink a handful of times each year, rest assure they'll make Fat Tuesday one of them. I think Mardi Gras translated from French means "Girls Gone Wild Day!" God bless Mardi Gras! So Seattle 1) Go pickup some beads 2) Approach any female you see 3) Hand female single row of beads 4) Enjoy as chick turns into GIANT slut like David Banner turns into The Incrediable Hulk 5) Repeat till satisfied! Follow these simple instructions and this can be you......
Yup, just for some cheap ass beads. And come tomorrow they'll act like they're too good to do such outlandish things.........till Halloween.
How's it hangin you talented American Blog-O-Holic. So long time fans of the BJ Shea Morning Experience know that I used to do a segment called "JEETZ on the streets". Due to scheduling conflicts I wasn't fully available for the segment thus I put it on hiatus for over a year. Well now that I am free as a bird to commit to it and the show needing a street person, we decided to crank it back up. I came out guns a blazin as I went down to the Paramount Theater to check out the auditions for the hit TV show "Americas got Talent". I went down thinking I'd talk to some of the folks auditioning but after the producers of the show said I couldn't do to not wanting to spoil who made the cut, we came up with a pretty sweet compromise.....get a few words with the stars of the show!!! So in this video you'll see me chat with Nick Cannon, Piers Morgan, and Howie Mandel.
The show should air this summer and you'll be able to see if Seattle has talent. Big thanks to all the people at NBC Universal especially Christine who was a HUGE help. Another thanks goes out to Nick Cannon, Piers Morgan, and Howie Mandel for taking a few minutes of their crazy (and I mean CRAZY) day to chat with me. And most importantly a MONSTER thanks to Vicky B for rolling with me and being my on-site producer while going on virtually no sleep.
How's it hanging my romantic rose and chocolate buying blog-O-holic? Today is in fact Valentines day. And while many of you will be spending time with your sweetheart, others are still looking for that someone special. Love is a tricky bastard and I will guide you through the steps of a long lasting relationship.
1st step: You have to find that someone special. You've heard the saying "There are plenty of fish in the sea", well its time you bust out your pole and get something to bite. Trust me, you'll end up throwing a bunch back in. Finding the special one isn't as easy as riding a bike
2nd step: Now that you've found that special someone it's time to show them the romantic side of you and treat them to a classy date.
3rd step: Now that you and your significant other are getting along just swimmingly its probably hard to think of a future without them. Better make it official. TIME TO TIE THE KNOT!!!!!!!!
4th step: Look at you! Now you're married!(Sucker) Well your love together has taken you this far and it's time to have a baby. Oh babies. They bring such joy......
5th step: After decades of wedding anniversaries you realize you've grown old together and the love and the spark is still kickin!!
If you're single this Valentines day DON'T SWEAT IT!!!!!! Go out to the bar tonight and start hitting on chicks. Traditionally chicks are there easiest on Valentines Day. They're probably out getting drunk because nobody loves them. What better time to capitalize on a girls low self esteem? Just don't go home with some dog face.
Valentines Day: A made up holiday that guys hate, chicks love, and depresses tons of single people. Just remember, the only people who really love you today are the retailers.
What's up my "Big Game this Sunday" watching Blog-O-Holic? As Pittsburg and Green Bay get ready to fight for pro footballs world championship I am here to predict exactly how the game will unfold.
3pm: During pregame intros, Troy Polamalu's hair is set on fire by pre-game pyro.
3:01pm: Head and Shoulders announces they've ended their endorsement deal with Polamalu.
3:05pm: After 15 hours of pre-game coverage FOX has ran out of material and the producers have asked Terry Bradshaw to fill time by making funny faces for the next 20 minutes.
3:25pm: Pittsburg wins coin toss by calling "Heads". JEETZ immediately loses $50,000 as he was told by an inside source "that tails never fails".
3:29pm: James Harrison fired up for kickoff head-butts a teammate. League Commissioner immediately fines Harrison $300,000.
3:30pm: Pittsburg returns kickoff to the 25 yard line.
3:31pm: Ben Roethlisberger heads to the field with his pants down.
3:32pm: Bens Lawyers send out press release saying "We deny any accusations and will prove his innocence in court"
3:33pm: Big Ben fumbles opening snap after tripping over his pants that he refuses to pull up. Green Bay returns fumble for a touchdown. Green Bay 7-0
3:45pm: Aaron Rodgers completes a pass to Donald Driver and is tackled by James Harrison. League fines Harrison $250,000.
4:15pm: Big Ben who still hasn't pulled his pants up has committed 4 turnovers because its really hard to play football with your pants around your ankles. End of the first: Green Bay 21-0
4:16pm: A commercial airs from a company nobody has ever heard of. Better yet the commercial doesn't even tell anyone what exactly it is what they do. America collectively scratches their heads.
4:20pm: Every living person comes out of the bathroom coughing and giggling.
4:21pm: Back to the action and Joe Buck and Troy Aikman set a new WORLDS RECORD for being boring.
4:30pm: Rashard Mendenhall retires during the second quarter due to his love of all things dance. He makes announcement during a run play causing a pant less Big Ben to fumble again. Green Bay 35-0
4:55pm: Right before halftime James Harrison sacks Aaron Rodgers giving the Green Bay quarterback another concussion. League fines Harrison $500,000
5:00pm: Its the Halftime show and the Black Eyed Peas perform. They dress up Fergie in the wolf mascot outfit borrowed from 100.7 The Wolf to avoid any kind of "nipple gate". Thee Ted Smith is quoted as saying "Greatest halftime show EVER!!!!!"
5:15pm: Mike Tomlin announces to protest the fines levied against Harrison, Pittsburg has been instructed not to tackle anybody in the second half. He also announces Big Bens pants are inactive for the second half.
5:35pm: A brain damaged Aaron Rodgers hits the field in slacks and a sweater vest. Teammates say he thinks he is Mr. Rodgers.
5:40pm: Bret Farve hears Rodgers is slightly mentally retarded and hints at coming out of retirement and rejoining Green Bay for the 4th quarter. Everyone on Planet Earth groans.
5:45pm: Rodgers hits Javon Walker on a screen pass that he takes for 80 yards and a touchdown due to Pittsburgs refusal to tackle. Aaron Rodgers is quoted as saying "Nice play King Friday XIII!!!" Green Bay 42-0
5:48pm: Bud Light commercials are dominating. America keeps wetting themselves cuz they are so funny.
6:00pm: Hines Ward is on the field dressed up as a bottle of Heinz Ketchup as his way to motivate his team to "catch up".........
6:15pm: James Harrison sneezes. League fines him $750,000.
6:30pm: Big Ben is now completely naked. Scrambles for a 75 yard touchdown run. Green Bay afraid to touch him for fear of "catching something" Green Bay 63-7
6:35pm: Aaron Rodgers is in the huddle welcoming his teammates to his neighborhood as he takes off his penny loafers. Rodgers has renamed everyone on the team with names like Anna Platypus, Bob Dog, Lady Elaine Fairchild, Purple Panda, Robert Troll, Tadpole Frogg, X the Owl, and so on..........
6:45pm: Ryan Castle is officially Blacked Out. Begging the question: What's new?
6:50pm: With Green Bay up 77-7 the officials look at Pittsburg Coach Mike Tomlin and wink.......
6:55pm: With a naked Big Ben driving Pittsburg down to the Green Bay 1 yard line and only :08 seconds left, the officials announce that the next touchdown is worth 71 points.
6:56pm: Pittsburg is stopped for a 1 yard loss as time expires......Refs signal TOUCHDOWN!!!!!!!
6:59pm: After replay review shows that Pittsburg was CLEARLY stopped short of the goal line, the officials announce that the ruling on the field stands. Game over. Final score: Pittsburg 78 Green Bay 77.
7:00pm: Topshelf says he thinks it was a touchdown and sees nothing wrong with giving Pittsburg 71 points. Calls everyone a cry baby.
As I was thinking what to blog about this week and then it hit me......April 20th is this week which of course pot smokers around the world refer to as "Four Twenty". As I was chillin at the studio I listened to "The Mens Room" and heard their take on this unofficial holiday for all things pot. If you missed it here is what Thrill had to say on his blog which not only contributes to my subject but by using some of his blog on my blog makes less writing for me....thanks Thrill.
"If you’re familiar with this show at all, then you probably know that we are PRO marijuana. We won’t go through the arguments for WHY we feel the way we feel, but just know that it’s firmly based in scientific certainty and information, not opinion or propaganda… but when has that ever mattered in a debate. Today, of course, is April 20th, also known as ‘4- 20’ by the stoner population, and in spite of our support for weed, 4- 20 seems, to us, to be a day for amateurs to embarrass those of us who enjoy the herb on a regular basis. Not saying it’s a bad day and we have no problem with anyone wanting to celebrate the greenage, but 420 just seems to bring out the most pathetic of pot smokers and, quite frankly, it’s embarrassing. 4- 20 does as much for real pot smokers as Valentine’s Day does for married couples. It’s pointless. That’s OK though, St. Patrick’s Day, Cinco de Mayo and New Year’s Eve are for amateur drinkers, leading those on the outside to believe that American’s can’t hold their liquor… something else we take personally." ------Steve "the Thrill" Hill
I get the take and I mostly agree with it except for one point. On St.Patricks day I do not go out anymore for the same reason's Thrill points out. As do a lot of people I know who just get sick of the amateur hour. But on April 20th guess what....all pot smokers smoke their brains out as much as the amateurs. I was on-air this past Monday in for Ryan Castle and I must've had 10-15 calls from listeners who took the day off work on 4/20 just so they can smoke all day. DO YOU KNOW HOW MUCH POT YOU HAVE TO SMOKE TO USE A VACATION DAY ON 4/20????? Not to mention, all the smokers who spend all day making "Baked" goodies. I believe there is a lot more effort on 4/20 by regular smokers then there is by regular drinkers on say Cinco De Mayo. With that being said, I wanted to get a up close feel to a 4/20 party so me and Toppy from "the BJ Shea Morning Experience" went to the Jimi Hendrix Memorial on this day with video rolling...........Check it!
We had a great time and met a lot of killer (and completely baked) rockoholics. It is only fitting that I do a blog called "Blogging Under the Influence" and cover four twomp. As I sat and watched the 100+ peeps who showed up at the Jimi memorial to celebrate 420, I couldn't help but think "I wonder what the Bob Marley Memorial is like right now?" I'm sure there was a shortage on Cheetos and chocolate milk where ever that went down. Well, until next year my Illegal Drug Smoking Blogger.....
All right bloggers, its time for the final installment of "JEETZ goes Hollywood". In the previous 2 episodes we took you on a tour of L.A., showed you the ride, showed you the crib, went behind the scenes of a T.V. pilot with JC Chasez, and took you backstage to interview the great STEEL PANTHER and picked the entire set list!!! How can I top that you ask????? After the interview the boys asked if I wanted to party on-stage with them for their entire show!!! It was so hooked up they had a beer runner for me. So when ever I ran out of a beer, some dude would run across stage and hook it up. So here it is, on stage with Steel Panther with lots of beers and lots and lots of CHICKS. Check it out........
An Amazing time for sure. If you missed any of the other episodes by all mean scroll down to the last 2 blogs and check 'em out. While your at it check all of 'em out. They're pretty amazing if I do say so myself. I have some killer stuff in the works for the blogs in the coming months that you won't want to miss. With that said as for these last 3 blogs I have to Give HUGE thanks to my boys Wali Razaqui and Big Kitty and the entire crew from HWY 1 productions for treating me VIP the whole week I was there. GIANT thanks to the Hollywood House of Blues. MONSTER thanks goes to Steel Panther for not only be one of the most kickass bands around but for also treating me like I was part of the band. Please do yourself the favor of checking these guys out at http://www.steelpantherrocks.com/ or just google or youtube them. If you've never seen or heard of them go google or youtube them. Their song and videos are hilarious!!! One more GARGANTUAN thanks goes to the city of Los Angeles for being 70-80 degrees and clear blue sky's while everyone in Seattle was building an Arc and gathering 2 of every animal. Until next week you bloggin Rockaholic...
So it's time for part 2 of "JEETZ goes Hollywood". If you missed the first of this 3 part behind the scences of Hollywood series, just check the post below. It's kinda like JEETZ on-demand! In part #1 I showed you around L.A. in search of the coolest thing to do while in tinsle town. In part #2 I'm pretty sure I found it. I was lucky enough to hang backstage on the Sunset Strip at the legendary House of Blues to get an all access backstage interview with one of the most Kick ASS bands to come out of Los Angeles. And they are....................
One of my all-time favorite bands.....STEEL PANTHER!!!!!!!! On their album "Feel the Steel", their worst song is my 12th favorite song of all time. I've even lived my life by 5 simple letters.......W.W.S.P.D. (W.hat W.ould S.teel P.anther D.o?) Answer? Get wasted and drop lots of hammer on sweethearts. As epic as the interview was I have some amazing footage of their live show from the same night in part #3 of "JEETZ goes Hollywood". So check back next week for a killer concert right here on my blog on kisw.com. I'd like to thank my boy "Big Kitty" from HWY 1 Productions for bringing the the film crew.
Coming off the heels of the biggest party of the new year, this weeks blog was a no brainer!! Last Saturday (in case you were living in a cave) was the 2010 KISW Rock Girl Gala. Its easily one of my favorite events yearly and this year was no different. Great music, great friends, and of course 40 smoking hot chicks....DUH!!!!!! I'll be the first to admit my "job" is the most fun things I've ever done. And by the end of the night I was drunk off my face, got to hang with all the bands, and was smooched by multiple Rock Girls.....tough gig huh? Lucky for you I had cameras following me around so I can give you an all access look into this awesome event. Only thing better than this video blog is to have a backstage pass.....
And big Thanks to "Iron" Mike Savioa for all the killer pics!!!! Check 'em out here on kisw.com
As I watched the completely bizarre opening ceremonies for the 2010 Winter Olympics up north in Vancouver B.C., I remembered saying if the games match this ridicules presentation then go ahead and count me out. The Rockin Violin dude thing to the chick floating around the world I was like "WOW, is this supposed to make me want to watch these games....cuz it sucked!! Despite Canada's best effort to make me care less, I did check out some of the games. Now let me first say that I like the summer games a billion times more then the winter games. I hate the snow in general to the point if I see a snowman I'll punch it in the face. Not to mention is there anything less cool to watch than figure skating? Sorry, watching some dude in sparkling sequenced jump suits just doesn't peak my interest. There have however been some pretty cool stories I've been able to get on board with.
Like the U.S. Mens Hockey team beating Canada to qualify for the quarterfinals. Anytime you can beat Canada at their own game in their own country........SWEET! Now if they can keep shocking the hockey world and keep this thing going then this becomes a HUGE (said like Double R) story. Winning the Mens Hockey Gold Medal in Canada.....EPIC!!!!!!!
How about Shaun White defending his snowboarding half pipe Gold Medal.....soooo rad!! Shaun White is a 100% snowboarding rock star. Is there any doubt that he wasn't going to just kick ass? None. No suspense because that's what superstars do.
How about local boy Apollo Ono becoming the most decorated U.S. winter Olympian of all time? Now you can put his name with the all-time great athletes from this area.
But speaking of "Great Athletes" this gets me to the topic of my favorite story of the Winter Olympics..........Curling. Every four years I ask out loud "this is a joke right?" Its the equivalent of shuffle board on ice with brooms. I just don't think this "game" should score you a gold medal. First off, have you seen some these "Athletes" that play curling? Some of these idiots don't look like they can even run a 40 yard dash. I saw a curling dude that looked like he had about 15 yards in him before he would drop dead. Where do you recruit curling "Athletes"? Let me see...you combine shuffle board...with sweeping...Clearly you have to be a bar janitor to even try out. THIS IS AN OLYMPIC SPORT??? NO!!!! Its what you do for fun at a bar. You know what else I do for fun at a bar.....DRINK! You know what else I do for fun at a bar.....HIT ON CHICKS! You know what else I do for fun at a bar....PICK SONGS OFF A JUKE BOX!! I do all of these well and I don't think it makes me an "Athlete". Though I would watch the "Bar Games" over Curling 10 out of 10 times....wait a minute..maybe I'm on to something. I would like to make an announcement. I'M OFFICIALLY IN TRAINING FOR NEXT WEEKENDS BAR GAMES!!! And I'm going for the gold...you know.....the same color as beer!!!!
February 14th always seems to be such a big day if your in a relationship. Of course if you've never been in one you might not know that February 14th is Valentines Day. Oh wait...its impossible not to know because its plastered everywhere you look. Now I'm not hating if you have someone special in your life and you plan on doing something on this day. What do I care? Knock yourselves out. But when I read all these studies and see websites dedicated to how to deal with depression when your single on Valentines day I can't help but say "HUH???". Depression??? Now this is coming from a guy who has been in relationships for lots of Valentines Days. This year I'm single. Whats to be depressed about? This is a blessing from God himself!!!!!!! (sorry ladies, God is a dude) A recent study from Catholicmatch.com (never heard of it either before today) says 45% of single Catholic males will have to deal with there depression on this day. Well let me talk you off the cliff. Here is why you should be happy to be single.
1st. No stress. Everywhere you look companies are trying to sell you on "make sure you make it the PERFECT Valentines" by buying their product. So Perfect implies that their product is thee one gift you should give her. But there are a million places saying they have THEE perfect product. You don't know my chick. What if she's allergic to diamonds?(side note: that's who I'm marring) With so many perfect gifts out there, that should tell you there is no perfect gift. Being committed and making an effort should be all the "perfect" you need. But I don't have to worry about it. Thank God!
2nd. Not having to buy a Valentines Day card. The card industry might be the only thing more retarded than Valentines Day. As an outspoken guy who wears his heart on his sleeve, I can't think of a bigger waste of money than buying a card. Your telling me a card company can say how I feel better than I can? If that's the case then your not all into this chick. But JEETZ you say, I write something personal inside..... Are you a mute? How about telling her. But I don't have to buy a card this year. Thank God!
3rd. Having to give her the obligatory box of candy. This gets you more headaches than its worth. First your always being asked If she looks fat or if her butt looks good those jeans. I pretty much only date fit girls and still you get bombarded with these questions. Its like YES, YOU WEIGH 110lbs AND YOU'RE IN GOOD SHAPE!!! WHY WITH THE QUESTIONS????? So how do we reward this behavior? With a big ass box of chocolates. I wonder where this leads? And then after she hammers down the whole box guess what comes next...."I shouldn't have ate those. Why did you buy those for me?" Not this year. No chocolates. Thank God!
4th. Buying the obligatory dozen roses. These bastards mark up flowers during Valentines Day like Oil companies jack up gas prices during a war. Try buying roses on lets say October 4th. Probably put you back $20-$30. Try the same place a month before thru V-Day. Probably run you between $50-$80. That sucks. I just got taxed for loving somebody. All this for something that's going to die within a week or two. Might as well buy her a 19 year old dog. At least a dog has personality. But I don't have to buy overpriced colorful weeds this year. Thank God!
5th. Living up to your own awesomeness. So lets say you went big on your 1st Valentines Day.(Warning: DO NOT GO BIG ON YOUR FIRST VALENTINES DAY) Now instead of that being really cool of you, you actually just set the standard. So you buy her jewelry or take her on vacation.....that's the starting point every year after that. You would think thats its the thought that counts, but girls like to tell all their friends how great their relationship is. And they want to win every year. So if you go big year one and go casual the next, they'll feel dumb when they have to explain it to all their friend. Stupid right? But I don't have to live up to anything this year. Thank God!
6th. Now its turn for your gift. So you took all the time, money, and effort to make sure you're not getting bitched at and what do you get? Something they want you to have not something YOU want to have. Usually they'll get you something that didn't take a lot of thought like some dress shirt or something else stupid. And you're like "Gee thanks, now we have something to lay the dust on". Chicks are just given a free pass not to do anything thoughtful for you cuz every commercial is directed at guys. So much for equal rights huh ladies? But I don't have to pretend to like something this year. Thank God!
So see, being single on Valentines Day kicks major ass. Look at all the crap you don't have to deal with. And take it from me, there is no better day to pick up chicks at the bar than Valentines Day. Because they've got a lot in common with those 45% of men we talked about earlier.
You may ask "Hey JEETZ, being single and all, what are you doing for Valentines Day this Year?" Well, as I write this I'm down in Los Angeles and I'm going to go kick it with Steel Panther! Couldn't do that if I was in a relationship. But I'm not. THANK GOD!!!!!!!
Now please enjoy this KICK ASS video from the before mentioned Steel Panther.
You've probably heard The Men's Rooms Miles Montgomery do radio commercial promoting Powerball (a multi-state lottery) has come to the great state of Washington. The odds on winning Powerball are about 1 in 195 million or about the same odds that Ryan Castle WON'T be hung over on-air at least twice a week. Though it seems astronomical that I would win Powerball, I believe you can't hit a homerun unless you take a swing with a bat. And to hear the record jackpot for Powerball $365 million, (said like Dr. Evil with pinky raised to lips) I can't help but to dream about what I would do if I won say........$200 million. So I figure I better start planning now so when I do win I'll be prepared.....
Now that I'm a $200 millionaire I have to spend my new found wealth and charities are out of the question. I'm blowing every dime!!! So it's a given we'd all buy a 20 room mansion. We'd all buy a new Maybach/Ferrari/Lamborghini/Aston Martin....one of each of course. We'd all buy a killer boat flanked with dozens of bikini model sweethearts. We'd all have a statue of ourselves made out of pure gold and have it displayed on top of the Space Needle. And of course we'd all buy Montana and re-name it "Stupid Land". So now that I have everything what do you buy when you have it all? Well I thought long and hard about what I would buy to truly make me happy. And the answer is........A TROUBLED CELEBRITY!!!
That's right, I'd find a troubled celebrity down on his luck and pay him a healthy salary to live on my estate and be at my beckon call to entertain me at my will. So who do I "buy"? For awhile I thought about Tom Sizemore. He's definitely troubled and I liked him in "Natural Born Killers" and "Heat". But I've really liked his work in his newest project "VH1's Celebrity Rehab". You see there is something about watching him train wreck his life that is so damn entertaining. I figure I could build a mini rehab facility with plexy glass walls so I don't have to wait every week to watch him detox and sneak meth/crack hits and hide it from the doctors, I can watch him do it every day! It will kind've be like a zoo with only one exhibit. The problem is he would probably escape my compound and blow the $200,000 a year I paid him within a week on dope and I'd never see him again....or my silverware....or my T.V.
Still seemed worthwhile since I still have about $100 million left in the bank until I heard this little news......
A celebrity that went to jail over a domestic dispute and couldn't muster up the $1,700 bail. That person would be GARY COLEMAN!!!!!!!!! Hold the phones, it hit me that I could "buy" Arnold Drummond. Not only is Gary Coleman less sweaty than Tom Sizemore he's also way funnier...I mean he has an iconic catchphrase! So not only did I win Powerball but now I have Gary Coleman living on my estate. Sounds like I hit the jackpot twice. So what would I have him do? He can be my beer bitch! He would just hang in a room and I would have a button that every time I pressed it a light would go off in his room. Then he would come meet me and say "Yes JEETZ?" and I'd say
" Yo Gary Coleman, go grab me a beer bitch" and contractually he'd have to respond "what chew talkin bout JEETZ?". I promise I would laugh everytime. Easiest $200,000 he ever made. Much easier than when he worked as a mall security guard back in 2001. So thats it Powerballers, thats what I would blow my money on.
So the next time you buy a Powerball ticket your not just buying a chance to get rich, but a chance to buy your very own troubled celebrity!
This blog is offically up and running. As you will see I'll post blogs via writing, video, and audio. Todays blog focuses on the press conference we had for this blog page. Why you ask would we have a press conference for a blog??? Cuz its THE DUMBEST thing we could think of......enjoy.
According to a recent study by "Men's Health", gym memberships will go up on average between 40-60% at the start of the new year. This obviously has to do with the good 'ole New Years Resolution. People who know me know I like to go to the gym regularly not because I wanna be buff and huge(which trust me...I'm not) but out of necessity because I'm known to do so much damage to my body on weekends and every other excuse to throw down. So with it now being 2010, did you run out and get a brand spanking new gym membership? If so or your still planning on it, let me give you heads up on what kind of morons you should expect to run into.
5) "Singing out loud with Ipod on guy"
This dude for some reason thinks his time at the gym is also karaoke hour at the local pub. The Ipod saved everybody from this guys horrible taste in music by confining this garbage within the confines of his headphones. But this guy has beat the system...He's going to sing his playlist out loud. And in all cases sings horribly. Get ready to look at this guy and say "Really dude, your singing Lady GaGa????????" Warning: You'll be tempted to punch this guy in the mouth.
ONLY ACCEPTABLE REASON FOR DOING THIS:
Your deaf and you think your singing it in your head, oblivious that everyone hates you. There is NO good reason to have Lady GaGa on your playlist.
4)"Giant woman wearing 2 sizes to small outfit"
So your sick of being a fat pig. I get it. But guess what, your not there yet. Still a fat pig. So please do the rest of us the courtesy of not putting on anything that reads "size 2". If your thighs look the craters on the moon, stretch pants probably not you best option. When you're that big, the only thing with the word "stretch" that should be on your body are stretch marks. One day you might be THE BIGGEST LOSER but right now your just a loser.
ONLY ACCEPTABLE REASON FOR DOING THIS:
At gunpoint you were forced to eat an entire bottle of water pills and all were released into your system simultaneously as you got to the gym. Hence literally making you burst from the seems from the inside out.
3)"Circling the parking lot looking for the closes spot person"
Really?? You circle the parking lot like a shark that smells blood. Putting an extra 10 miles a day on your odometer from just cruising the parking lot looking for that VIP spot. Really???? Your at the gym. Walk the extra 20 feet. If 20 feet is too far for you to walk your probably the chick I talked about in the previous point.
ONLY ACCEPTABLE REASON FOR DOING THIS:
Your planning on robbing the gym. You need your get away car as close as possible so you can get a head start on the police. You might as well use one of the handicapped spots. If your robbing a gym using one of the handicapped spots is probably the least of your concerns. And besides its the gym, they're always open.
2)"Posing in the mirror"
This one goes without saying. Man oh man are you a tool! After a big breakfast that consists of bull testicles and steriods, its time to go flex in the mirror. Dude, your 5 foot 7 and weigh 320lbs. of pure muscle. What are you making sure of....that you're big? The only hope here is that you strangle yourself with your own neck muscles.
ONLY ACCEPTABLE REASON FOR DOING THIS:
You actually have the brain of a dog. When you look in the mirror you think your own reflection is a rival dog. Every time you look in the mirror you think "I MUST PROTECT THIS HOUSE" and you flex to scare off that other dog that you think looks like a meat head.
1)"Reeking of cologne guy"
You might be the King of the Douche Bags. Sporting a sleeveless Ed Hardy tee and spiked gelled hair, your ready to hit on every chick in there and you wanna make sure they can smell you coming. Equipped with extra glow sticks, somehow every lady is able to fight off you advances. Its actually amazing these girls can fight off anything after you approach them because you have so many chemicals fuming off you clothes that everybody is in danger of becoming brain dead. Your at the gym you Royal Doucheness not the Jersey Shore.
ONLY ACCEPTABLE REASON FOR DOING THIS:
No acceptable reason......None.
So good luck with all your New Years Resolutions and if yours is to start hitting the gym....don't say I didn't warn you.