It's Monday, so we asked the Monday Random Question, so, as always, I won't cover them all. Instead, here's a few things we learned today:
Sex toys aren't weird unless it takes more than 4 batteries or is more than 12 inches long.
Streaking through a supermarket ends about as well as you'd think.
If Ted is willing to enter the "Smallest Penis Competition" in Brooklyn, New York, I will buy his plane ticket to go. It's real competition and my offer is true. Will he?
If Miles were a polygamist, he'd have 3 wives, named Tammy, Donna and Dawn.
What you call your taint, is actually called a 'perineum'. FCC forbids the word 'taint' on-air, but it occurred to us that we had no idea what that weird little ridge was actually called. Now we know... and will be saying it at every opportunity. PERINEUM!
Would you drink beer if you had to drink it out of a penis- shaped squeeze bottle?
Jeetz has not gotten a tan in Alaska.
OK bitches, I'm outta here.
Until tomorrow, jiggle it just a little and STAY BEAUTIFUL!"
So here's a new term for something that anyone in a relationship is already aware of; it's called "Netflix adultry"... which is the act of watching an episode of a TV show without our significant other... even though they'd wanted to watch it with you. It's not limited to TV shows, of course. Ever watch a movie on on- demand or whatever, only to hear, "I wanted to watch that!", followed by a reprimand for being insensitive? Or maybe you decided that you wanted to eat something different than your partner for dinner and it becomes a "thing". There are certain things that, for, whatever reason, your partner thinks you MUST do together, and that's what we wanna know today: WHAT DOES YOUR SIGNIFICANT OTHER INSIST YOU DO TOGETHER... OR INSIST YOU DO APART?
Oddly, his insists on going with him to strip clubs... doesn't think he'll cheat (it's a strip club, after all, not a brothel) but she loves strip clubs. He doesn't want her to go because SHE spends too much money
In addition to EVERYTHING ELSE he does, she ALSO wants to accompany he and a friend to the gym. That's the one he hates most
His girl insists on going to his favorite bar with him... which removes it as his 'favorite' bar
Her boyfriend likes to watch tv togehter, however, he talks through all of the shows and it drives her crazy
Her husband insists that SHE hang out with him and his friends (???) but she hates his friends.
She hadn't given it much thought until we asked the question today, but it occured to her that she and her husband do absolutely nothing together. We're sure HE was aware of that and we hope we didn't ruin it for him
Both he and his wife reace cars, however, they never race together
His wife wants to do EVERYTHING together, to a "maddening degree". What's up with that?
OK bitches, the weekend is here. Let's it get cracka- lackin'. Shout out to Kevin from Metal Shop, who has filled in dutifully for Ben all week while Ben spent time in Spain for his honeymoon. Anyway, check out Metal Shop, bitches and give Kevin some love. Say whatever you want to Ian.
Until Monday, do what you do best and STAY BEAUTIFUL!
A woman in Edmonds was arrested earlier this week and is facing animal cruelty charges. Yea, she had 14 dogs, but was only legally allowed to own 5, but that's not why her neighbor tipped off police. See, she was FIGHTING dogs on her property and after years of hearing the abuse, a neighbor made a vidoe and told the police. Earlier this week in Port Angeles, a guy named Barry Swengle was in a longstanding dispute with neighbors over property lines and a fence. His response was to hop in a bulldozer and completely demolish his neighbors' house and cars. And yesterday in Georgia burned down his neighbor's house because he believed that that neighbor wasn't taking good enough care of his "unkempt" lawn. With these stories in mind: WHAT WOULD YOU STEAL OR DESTROY OF YOUR NEIGHBORS?
His neighbors are (Gypsy) hoarders and he would like to knock down their home and completely clear the lot
Wants to steal his neighbor's wife for one, passionate, hot, sexy, sweaty, smelly night of monkey sex
Wants to specifically destroy his neighbor... not his property, but the man himself
Would like to destroy his neighbor's "ugly" car. It's a classic car that hasn't been and, seeminly, will never be, restored
As a result of his neighbor's love for country and western music played at a high volume, he'd really like to steal their stereo and speakers and destroy them
Wants to destroy his neighbor's yappy little terrier because, frankly, it acts like a yippy little terrier. My neighbor has a yippie little f*king terrier and, seriously, I hate that thing
Wants his neighbor's "big- ass" flat screen TV. He feels like his neighbor is tempting him since he always watches the tv with the curtains open
Would very much like to steal his neighbor's karaoke machine... not because HE sings karaoke, but because he hates listening to his neighbors sing karaoke
Likes his neighbors just fine, but she hates their trees
Windchimes... doesn't mind or two, but his neighbors have a yard FULL of them and he would like to destroy them all
OK bitches, frankly, I have to sh*t, so I'm gonna go ahead and say 'peace'. Peace!
Until tomorrow, slap yo pappy and STAY BEAUTIFUL!"
If you're planning a trip to Disney World, you know you're gonna spend a lot of money and you know you're gonna stand in line for hours for a crack at riding the rides. Well a company called Dream Tours Florida can help reduce how long you're stuck in line. See, for $180 an hour or $1040 for 8 hours, Dream Tours Florida will give you a HANDICAPPED tour guide. Under Disney policy, a guest in a wheelchair can take up to six other people with them into special access lines... which take only minutes instead of hours.
Before you get outraged at their 'new' service, you should know it's an OLD service, and Manhattan elites have been taking advantage of it for years. Now you know. We all recognize that celebrities have a different set of laws that apply (or do not apply) to them, but every- once- in- a- while they ARE subject(ed) to the same justice as the rest of us, and on those rare occurences, the celebrities try to play their status card. Think of America's "sweetheart", Reese Witherspoon's encounter in Georgia. Based on her status she didn't believe that aithority applied to her. Ridiculous. Anyway, it leads to today's question: IF NEED BE, WHAT CARD CAN YOU WHIP OUT AND WHAT ADVANTAGE DO YOU GET FROM IT?
His father was a Seattle City cop and he would drop his name everytime he got into trouble... and he got into trouble a lot. He was even busted for drugs and weapons but avoided doing any time as a result of his paternal hook- up. However, his father eventually forbade him from using his name anymore.
He's a disabled veteran and can visit any National park for free. I'm not sure that's the greatest payback for his service, but he likes it
Uses his military status to get out of DUI's... or, in other words, he drives drunk too much
Works in the world of deliveries, and as a result, he can pretty much park anywhere, anytime... whether he's delivering anything or not
He's actually disabled and waits in line for nothing
She has boobs... big, lovely ones... and she uses them to her advantage as much as possible.
He's from Michigan, and his family runs one of the wealthiest businesses in the state... they make seats, but they make seats for planes, trains, cars, stadiums, arenas, etc. Gets special treatment at lots of different events
As a result of being a Native American, she gets free medical and dental
OK bitches, I'm outta here! I shall return.
Until tomorrow, hit it and quit it and STAY BEAUTIFUL!
A 19- year- old Arizona State University student drank 20 shots of tequila and passed out with a blood- alcohol level of 0.47... about 6 times the legal limit. He'd been involved in a drinking contest. Typical college stuff, to be sure, but what makes his story more interesting is that his friends left him in a wheelchair in a hospital lobby with a Post- It note stuck to him explaining what happened. Criminal charges could be filed against the friends who left him there. Meanwhile, NBA player and all- around strange dude, Dennis Rodman, is inexplicably friends with North Korean lard- ass Kin Jong Un. So much so, that as controversy swirls around North Korea detaining American citizen Kenneth Bae, Rodman fired off a tweet to Kim Jong that read, in part, "...do me a solid and cut Ken Bae loose." We'll just have to wait and see if the Korean Chubby does Dennis that 'solid'.
Friends are friends, but sometimes they just let you down. Maybe they owe you money, or they're jealous of you or they gave you the worst advice you've ever followed or maybe, just maybe, they left you in a hospital lobby with a Post- It note stuck to you. WHEN DID YOUR FRIENDS NOT DO YOU A 'SOLID'?
Friends filled his truck bed with manure on the night of a big date
His buddy (inexplicably) told his ex-wife a story of drunken debauchery (that included a misplaced deuce)... wouldn't have been that big of a deal except that they were involved in a custody battle and she used the story against him
Passed out in his living room... his roommates put baked beans down his pants. Thought he'd sh*t himself when he finally woke up
His friends left him in the middle of the street after a car accident. He was ejected and landed on the road. His friend's left him there. And that's just ONE of the reason's why crashing a stolen car is a bad idea
SIT AND SPIN
Pain in the Grass 2013 is going to be f**king insanely awesome. It just is. The Gorge? Awesome lineup? Sheeeeeiiiittt! Anyway, Jolene brought us on some audio samples of this year's delights. Here's the link
Today, we wanted to know: IF YOU HAD ONE CHANCE, WHAT WOULD YOU DO ONE MORE TIME?
Yea, I know, usually I give you the set up and all, but I've been running late today, so... sorry. However, I will provide you with today's answers.
A 3- some... had a 3- way in his teens and would like to do it again. His current girlfriend said she was open to the idea, but we're pretty sure she was running a con. We also think she listens to the show because after exposing her con on the air, he texted us to let us know that arrangements had been made to make the 3- way happen. We're doing God's work.
He'd go back to college for radio broadcasting... made it for 3 months before giving up
Bungie jump in California... they now have weight limits and "stuff". Should point out that the guy is 6 feet 7 and weighs about 350 pounds
Would go back to Grand Cayman Island... specifically for the delicious turtle burger
Sex on a cruise ship... managed to shack up with some random chick near the smoke stacks
Wants to relive the night before his wedding when he was involved in an orgy
Found out where the dearly departed Jeff Hanneman lived and visited him on Halloween... Jeff was not particularly pleased, but he DID hook him up with special edition of one of their albums before telling him to "leave him the f**k alone"
Wants to back to Zambia... was there when he was 6 or 7 but was too young to appreciate the several safaris or the 2 weeks spent camping in a game reserve
That's all I've got, bitches. We're off next week. You've been warned.
Until we meet again, do what you do best and STAY BEAUTIFUL!"
Ireland Baldwin, daughter of Alec Baldwin and Kim Bassinger (greatest parental unit ever!!!) would like you to know, yes, she does remember the voice mail from her father 6 years ago when he called her a "rude, thoughtless little pig", but she's not happy about that that's become her nickname. Can't say I blame her. She's not little anymore! Meanwhile, former President George W. Bush is well- aware that his "Mission Accomplished" speech 10 years ago, regarding America's military role in Iraq, was just a tad premature. Just a tad. Today is the 10th anniversary of his declaration. Former NFL quarterback Vince Young is STILL being made fun of for his insistence that the Philadelphia Eagles had a "dream team" in 2011... which was OBVIOUSLY wrong based on the fact that he was on the roster. Oh, and former child- stars Ricky Shroeder and Joey Lawrence are very, seriously getting tired of NOT being referred to as 'Rick' and 'Joe' respectively. All of us have something we'd like to leave behind: WHAT NICKNAME, REPUTATION OR THING YOU SAID WOULD YOU NOT LIKE TO DEAL WITH?
At about age 6, he told the following joke: Q: "What do you get when you cross tuna and coffee?" A: "TUNA COFFEE!" His family won't let him live it down
Her older brother's friend started calling her 'Road Whore' in high school... never found out why
In spite of being 52- years- old now, his mother STILL calls him 'Sugar Foot'. Yea, in spite of being 44 now, my mother slips up and calls me "Shang- a- Lang". Makes me bristle every time... and I have no f**king idea what it means. Sounds like Panda's name
She would like you stop calling her Hamburger Amber or Amberger
She was a freshman in high school when 'Forrest Gump' was released as a movie... her name is Forrest. We researched it, and exactly .06% of all the Forrest's' in America are female
People call him Dorie because he looks like Dorie from 'Finding Nemo'
Got a black eye after a fight... everyone called her 'Petey', as in Petey the Dog from "The Little Rascals". If she would get mad, people would say things like "relax girl" or "down girl"
Could go on and on but I'm running out of time, so, sorry. Or, SAW- RAYYYYY!
So far, so good... at least that's what the local authorities are saying about THIS year's May Day. Sure, a few people with bandanas covering their faces yelled some profanities at the police, but overall, there are no repeats of LAST year's May Day, when self- styled "anarchists" went on a property damage rampage downtown. May Day, if you don't know, is supposed to celebrate the nation's workers, but it's morphed into a rally for workers' rights because no one likes being kept down by the man! On that note, fans of the Washington Nationals find themselves in a battle regarding The Wave... you know the Wave... that endless and annoying non- celebration that sports fans just LOVE to perform at live events. Anyway, at National's Park, where the team plays, there are two groups of people; one of them HATES the Wave, the other group LOVES the Wave. Recently, a woman was thrown out of the game by security for doing the Wave. Meanwhile, there's all kinds of controversy going on right now about the possibility of performing background checks for potential gun buyers, there's a plastic bag ban in Seattle, pit bulls are banned in multiple jurisdictions across the country, you're supposed to smoke 25 feet away (or farther) from public doorways, weed is still illegal in 48 of the 50 states, etc. IF THE MAN IS KEEPING YOU DOWN, WHO IS THE MAN?
The Department of Revenue... he owns 2 businesses and D of R is a real pain in his ass
Women in general
His girlfriend doesn't appreciate his drinking... well, she doesn't appreciate how OFTEN he drinks. Welcome to the club
The CPS (Child Protective Service) because he believes that parents should be able to spank their kids. I think parents should be able to spank OTHER people's kids!!!
The WSU Administration for not letting him dip at the library
His landlord also owns the land on both sides of his current rental house... sold the property for condo development and now his view is disappearing and has the soft sounds of construction every day
Tacoma meter readers... he's gotten 9 parking tickets in the last month... and, naturally, that's THEIR fault
The banks... he's trying to get additional loans for the business he already has but they've screwed up his credit rating by consistently inquiring about his credit rating... which devalues your credit rating. See how that works?
His old boss in the military would prevent him from getting in front of promotion boards, etc, while he was serving in Afghanistan, saying, "you're not ready yet". Ironically, after that boss killed himself (yea), the military promoted him to his old boss's position
Yesterday, 12- year- NBA veteran and current player Jason Collins became the first openly gay male player in the four major American sports when he came out yesterday. Personally, we don't care, but in the homophobic world of sports, admitting that you're gay is news... at least it is for Collins because he's the first to do so. Whatever. Good for him. 'People' magazine, inexplicably, named Gwyneth Paltrow 'the Most Beautiful Woman in Hollywood'... narrowly beating out Joan Rivers and Rosie O'Donnell, I suppose. Whether you think Gwyneth is beautiful or not, most people agree that she gives off an extremely pretentious, uppity and silver- spoon vibe... and THAT'S why we were shocked to learn that when it comes to grooming her nether regions, she just lets it go... or, as she said on the "Ellen" show, "I work a 70's vibe. You know what I mean?" Yea, baby, we know what you mean. And then there's actress Catherine Zeta Jones who admitted that she's bi- polar. Not sure why that qualified as interesting, but I guess it's because she's an actress. Who knows? But, as far as getting TRULY shocking news, few people can top the British guy who, after almost 20 years of marriage, found that the woman he loved used to be a man. Every- so- often, the monotony of our lives gets bitch- slapped and shaken up when we find out something we never expected: WHAT DID SOMEONE TELL YOU THAT BLEW YOUR MIND?
Got shot in the arm while serving in Afghanistan, which isn't terrible shocking... he didn't KNOW it until a medic told him
One of his former friends once shared the story of the time she INTENTIONALLY swerved her car to HIT pedestrian... and left him for dead
Found that his nephew had been shooting heroin for the past 3 years... to his nephew's credit, he confessed to it
Had his mind blown when his ex called to mention that she'd tested HIV positive... turned out to na false positive
Friend of 25 years just told him that he was getting a sex- change operation
Found out his mom was married before being married to his dad... he only found out because he intercepted one of the letters that the guy was STILL sending his mom. The guy was serving life in prison for murder
His adopted cousin had a two year sexual relationship with his birth sister... to this day, neither of them know
Her daughter's boyfriend told her that he was transgender
Was at sea for 11 months when one of the guys on the ship discovered that his wife had just had a baby. Do the math
Her husband of 8 years asked her if she'd be interested in swinging... she said sure, met another guy and got together with him on a permanent basis... he first husband committed suicide as a result
SIT AND SPIN
Actually listened to some new music today... something we rarely do. Here's the link
Today was the Monday Random Question, so, as always, I'm gonna avoid explaining all of that. Instead, I'll share whatever we happened to learn today.
Even people who live in 'Tornado Alley' are more terrified of rednecks than Mother Nature.
NBA Commissioner David Stern is a douche
It's possible to have freckles on the palm of your hand
There is a person who has a phobia of flour
If you're paralyzed from the waist down, you don't actually know when you're gonna poop or fart... it just happens
'Lascivious' means 'inclined to lustfulness or arousing sexual desire'. We wondered how you get charged for lude AND lascivious behavior. Now we know
Have you ever masturbated while you were on your knees? Ted has... in a corner... on his balcony... at 4 in the morning
This past Saturday night, myself and Ryan Castle provided a little rhythm section action for our pals in Windowpane, while Kyyle from Superfecta, provided some vocals. If you're interested, here's a video of us doing Man in the Box.
OK bitches, I'm outta here.
Until tomorrow, get off your knees and STAY BEAUTIFUL!”