Some people join the military or the police force or become a firefighter because that's what their family did before them. Others learn to cook using recipes that have been handed down through the generations. There's also Hollywood nepotism, where the children of celebrities get all the impossible opportunities that hard- working actors would kill for. Nic Cage, Sophia Copola, Gwyneth Paltrow, Miley Cyrus... they all owe a debt of gratitude to their families for their status. And now there's Francis Weaver of Canby, Oregon. He was just charged with murder. 10 years ago, Francis' father was convicted of murder after he killed two young girls and burned them in the back yard. In the early 1980's, Francis' GRANDfather was convicted of killing a man... and then kidnapping, raping and killing that man's girlfriend. Oh, and Francis' father also raped a woman... who happened to be Francis' own girlfriend. Francis hasn't raped anyone (that we know of) but he's got the murder thing out of his system. Yikes. Whoever you are, family has a profound influence over who we are, so for better or for worse, we wanted to know: WHAT FAMILY TRADITION DO YOU CARRY ON?
Her mother never took them to the hospital, she'd just invite a friend over to help them set broken fingers, five stitches or set broken noses. She grew up paranoid that everything was dangerous
3rd generation "Cheese Head" in spite of living in the Pacific Northwest
Courting white women
Father was a chef and now he loves to cook... for other people
The name John... he's John the 7th... 7th, bitches!
Giving awful Christmas gifts... on purpose
Keeps a lock of hair from everyone in the family who's died. They just cut it off at viewings, wakes, etc.
Every St. Patrick's Day, they drink green milk and Lucky Charms
Watches 'Christmas Vacation' with his father every year
Military service... his father, his grandfather and various uncles have all served
Dinner together every night
OK bitches, I'm outta here!
Until tomorrow, dance bitches, dance... and STAY BEAUTIFUL!"
It's no secret that back in the day, Barbara Walters was a very promiscuous woman. In spite of what she looks like now, she used to be a good looking lady. Well, at the age of 85, it seems that Wa- Wa still likes to get her sour motor humming and THAT is why she owns a vibrator. At least, she told the audience at yesterday's taping of "The View" that she owns a vibrator... and she named it "Selfie". Kind of a lame name, but I can appreciate her efforts. Meanwhile, Mariah Carey is the quintessential diva; self- absorbed, unaware, vapid and, as divas are wont to do, named her six dogs names that speak to her diva- ness. They are Muttley, Cha- Cha, Squeaky Beans, Jilly Beans, Pippity and The Reverend Pow Jackson. We all agree that her husband, Nick Cannon, came up with the last name. We also think he works so much because of who and what he has to go home to. But I digress. So, as much as I'm poking fun at these stupid names, I'm in no position to criticize; I named my penis Lando Calrissean. Ted named his penis Kenny Loggins, after 80's musical superstar, Kenny Loggins. People name their pets, cars, guns, musical instruments, body parts, etc. WHAT SPECIAL NAME DO YOU HAVE FOR THAT SPECIAL SOMETHING?
Sorry, got a bit distracted today, so I don't have the answers we heard. Apologies. However, one thing I did notice today was that while us men are fond of naming our junk, we don't take the time to name our testicles. It's not that it's important, just something I noticed today. Respect your b*lls!
SIT AND SPIN
It's Tuesday, so, as always, Jolene joined us to bring us music no one wants to hear. In this case, it was the 10 worst classic rock covers of all time. Jolene nailed it; they all sucked really, really bad. Reeeaaalllll bad! Here's a link to the torture:
On yesterday's show we asked our Monday Random Question(s)... since it was Monday and all. One of the questions we asked that seem to resonate was 'if you could see one statistic about yourself, what would it be?' In other words, if you could find out how many times you've done a certain thing or how many times a certain thing has been done to you, what would that thing be? Some examples included, 'how many people actually love you', 'the number of times you've been right or wrong in an argument' and 'the number of people who've imagined having sex with you'. Let's face it, there are plenty of other things you might want to know about yourself; how many times you've flexed or danced in front of a mirror, how many times you've loaned money and didn't get paid back, or how many people are jealous of you and why. Today we wanted to know: IF YOU COULD SEE ONE STATISTIC ABOUT YOURSELF, WHAT WOULD IT BE?
I've taken it upon myself to create a list of things I would like to know, not- so- much about myself, but about you. Yea, that's right. So, more or less than the average person, how many times have you:
Smelled your fingers after touching a body part?
Secretly farted in a large group of people?
Backed up a toilet?
Eaten something you sucked out of your teeth?
Had an ill- timed erection? (if you're a mall Santa for example)
Pooped yourself just a little and dealt with it all day?
Wiped a booger under a table or sofa?
Wiped an eye booger on your pants?
Held a poop in a public bathroom stall waiting for other people to leave?
Pulled hair or dust off of something you've dropped on the floor and eaten it anyway?
Coughed something into your mouth, only to swallow it instead of spitting it out?
Considered giving to a charity... but didn't?
Looked at your ass in a mirror?
Left a brown streak in the toilet?
Held a fart during sex?
For whatever reason, the idea of public breast- feeding gets people all worked up into a lather in this country. So, when I heard that woman in Colorado Springs had posted a picture to Facebook that showed her breast- feeding... and that everyone was upset about it, I rolled my eyes. Then I discovered that she was breast- feeding a PUPPY, and I kinda understood. She has her reasons for doing what, but she HAD to know people would freak out when she posted the picture. Maybe she didn't. Who knows? Meanwhile, a woman in Brazil suffers from some type of chemical imbalance that, basically, shuts her body down... unless she masturbates for at least 15 minutes every 2 hours; or as I call it, the average. You could see how such a predicament could interfere with work. Well, she just won a court battle and now she can LEGALLY watch porn on her work computer and masturbate as needed. And then there's a guy named Kenneth Haskins from Tampa, Florida. He burned down his apartment complex to exact revenge against the other residents there who had been complaining about him. The reason they were complaining was because Ken wouldn't stop masturbating in front of his windows or in his front doorway. To put him in perspective, here's a link. My apologies. Today's question: WHAT'S THE STRANGEST THING YOU'VE SEEN SOMEONE ELSE DO?
In a Safeway parking lot, he saw a homeless dude undo his pants, take a dump, and then drop to his hands and knees to sniff his own excrement. The Aristocrats
Saw a kid cutting up a live squirrel with a pen- knife on the sidewalk. Mercy- killed the squirrel and beat the sh*t out of the weirdo
Cab driver got rear- ended by another driver. The two guys get out of their respective vehicles and get into a heated argument. The cab- driver goes crazy and starts tearing out his OWN beard
Was in a hot tub at a YMCA... a woman in the hot tub started masturbating with the jets for 10 or 15 minutes
Used to work with a guy who, every single day for lunch, would eat a can of green beans, a can of corn and a can of black beans. He wouldn't warm it up or anything, just eat it out of the can. They offered him $20 to eat a can of dog food. He ate a can of Big and Meaty. Big and Meaty was recalled two weeks later
Walked into an unlocked bathroom stall to see a guy standing on the toilet seat, squatting and pooping
On vacation, he saw a woman breast feeding a pig... or a really ugly baby, but he thinks it was a pig
Again, if you're one of those unfortunate souls who clicked the link above and got an eye- full of Kenneth Haskins, my apologies.
I'm out! Have a fine weekend.
Until Monday, do what you do best and STAY BEAUTIFUL!"
The folks at www.mandatory.com put their heads together and came up with a map of America that details the "absolute worst person from each state". For example, as much as you'd think Green River Killer Gary Ridgeway would represent Washington, he's actually from Utah, so that state has the distinction of claiming his as their worst person. Washington is represented by serial killer Michael Swango. He was a doctor responsible for murdering 60 people. He's currently serving a life sentence in Colorado. Colorado's "worst person" is actually two people; Dylan Klebold and Eric Harris, the two punks behind the Columbine High School massacre. Anyway, each state has it's own worst person, making everyone else look bad. Canada isn't loving Justin Bieber's representation, Kate Gosslyn makes mothers look like heartless fame- whores and everyone in Florida makes everyone else in Florida look like Floridians. It could be your gender, race, sexual preference, political affiliation, hobby, whatever, today we wanted to know: HO GIVES YOUR PEOPLE A BAD NAME?
His old boss was a stickler for the rules... unless he wanted to break them
He's from Wisconsin, the same state that just passed legislation to honor the guy who invented the cheese head hat
'Crazy' gun people... he's a gun enthusiast but the people most often represented on TV make him look like a lunatic. To be fair, almost anyone that the media is going to focus on is going to make everyone with similar tastes look bad. It's how they operate
He's from Florida. 'Nuff said
He's from Oklahoma and says that the list of people who make him look bad is too long to get into, but he points out that his family likes to go hand- fishing
He's a Muslim Arab... the extremists and the 'death to America' types that our media loves, loves, LOVES to convince you are the ONLY types of Muslims give him a bad name. The Vatican cover- up, Westboro Baptist Church, whatever your religion, you don't look good right now
He's from Alabama, so everyone assumes he's a racist. Governor George Wallace, as he says, did nothing to help dispel those beliefs. They also think he's stupid and incestuous
He's gay and thinks Perez Hilton is going him no favors. Called him a 'bitch'
Other military wives... they're not all cheating whores
Crazy, right- wing Republicans (meaning the current crop of politicians) give him and other actual Republicans a bad name. Not all of them hate minorities, misunderstand religion, hate the poor, or is a Bible- thumper. Some are just normal, non- judgmental people. Imagine that
OK bitches, I'm outta here.
Until tomorrow, own your flatulence and STAY BEAUTIFUL!"
If we've learned nothing else over the past few years, we should all know by now that cruise ships and the cruise ship industry are a conglomeration of diarrhea- inducing puke factories. Already this year, 35 days total, TWO cruise ships in the Caribbean fell ill due to Novovirus. In other words, large groups of passengers and crew have been crapping and vomiting in stairwells, pools, hot tubs, the floor... pretty much everywhere. Both cruises were cut short and had to return to port. Those are cruise ships. Then there are this year's Winter Olympics, scheduled to begin this Friday in Sochi, Russia. We know there are concerns about terrorist threats, the ban on openly gay athletes (have they never heard of male figure skating... I mean, come on, man) and the extermination of all stray dogs (seriously), but now that the media is arriving, the world is finding out that Sochi (Russia's answer to Flynt, Michigan) is ill- prepared to host the international games. Open man holes on the sidewalk, brown drinking water, no knobs on the hotel room doors, shower curtains fetching $50 on the black market... it's like 'District 9', except that it's not a movie. Anyway, today's question: WHEN DID YOU FIND YOURSELF UNEXPECTEDLY ROUGHING IT?
Got stuck on the road in North Dakota after putting his truck in a ditch
Ate something of questionable origin in Korea... no public toilets, just holes in the ground. Hey man, whatever. When you gotta go, you gotta go
Broke down 15 miles outside of Ellensburg, Washington. Had to walk 15 miles to Ellensburg. Seems that cell phone coverage is just a tad spotty
Just got evicted today for being a "party house"... claims there was no notice, but who knows
Went camping in Arizona and realized that that no one brought a tent... also realized that the Arizona desert gets cold at night... even in March
So, the city of Seattle is expecting 300,000 people (give or take) to descend on the city for Seahawk's Super Bowl Parade and rally. We spent all day lobbying to get the day off from work so we could join the festivities; meaning, we wanted to get drunk with everyone else... but the brass didn't share our enthusiasm for the idea. However, we kept bugging them about it so they came up with a compromise; we'll be broadcasting from Elysian Fields (home of Men's Room Original Red) tomorrow at 2! See, after the rally tomorrow, we're gonna keep it going with our own rally. So, if you're gonna be downtown tomorrow, join us at Elysian! Just do it! You know you want to!
I'll leave you with that!
OK bitches, I'm outta here.
Until tomorrow, knock on wood and STAY BEAUTIFUL!"
It's no secret that Justin Bieber (yea, him again) is an idiot, but like any celebrity with a seven- figure income, there's no real ramifications for anything he does... and so he continues to be an idiot. Outside of his inexplicable fan base, everyone else is pretty tired of the fool. Well, here in the states we have one advantage; he, like Ted Cruz, is Canadian. In one week, a petition to deport his candy- ass has reached 174,000 signatures. That means that the White House now, legally, has to issue a ruling on the matter. We're pretty sure that the 'Biebs' will be safe, but we like the idea that that many people are asking him to just go the f**k away. All of that being said, all of us have done something that resulted in us being asked, or told, to leave. WHY WERE YOU ASKED TO LEAVE?
Was asked to leave the entire state of Indiana. Had gotten into a fight, was told by the police to leave the state or go to jail
Got kicked out of a bar where he was a regular because of some crazy chick
Kicked out of a Lil' Wayne concert for fighting. Truth was, he was breaking up a fight
Booted from Safeco Field for sneaking in booze... twice!
Was asked to leave WORK after cracking an OBGYN joke to a female employee
Peed in the sink of the ladies room at a local bar. Would have gotten away with it if the bouncer hadn't been watching him the whole time
Was asked to leave work for wearing a bulletproof vest. His brother had been shot and killed a few days before so he was especially paranoid
Kicked out of a Mariner's game because his (now ex) wife is a loud- mouthed drunk. She was almost Tasered, but he managed to talk the cops out of doing it... which is impressive since she was calling the cops 'pigs'
Was tossed from Cow Girls Inc for licking the ass of one of the dancing girls
Involved in a bar fight and punched one of the bouncers... didn't realize it was a bouncer
Before legalization, he was thrown out of a head shop for uttering the word "weed"
Thrown out of Disney World for getting drunk... and fighting Goofy
Gotta run, bitches.
Until tomorrow, drink up, stand out and STAY BEAUTIFUL!"
In the lead up to the Super Bowl, yesterday was "media day", the day where some of the dumbest journalists on earth ask some of the dumbest questions on earth and, essentially, waste everyone's time. Unfortunately for the players, the NFL REQUIRES that they make themselves available for this idiot- fest. Even 'Hawks running back Marshawn Lynch showed up... albeit, not for long. Most players hate media day, and here a few shining examples why; Richard Sherman was about what he thought of Justin Bieber, another player was asked which fat head coach he'd rather see in a thong, while another player was asked who had the smelliest farts in the locker room. Seriously. Ahhhh 'media day'! For us normal folks, we're burdened with plenty of stupid an oft repeated questions. If you're a red headed woman, you KNOW you're gonna get asked 'does the rug match the drapes?' If you own a pick-up truck, you're everyone's go- to when they need to move, if you have a tattoo you'll be asked 'did it hurt?', and on and on it goes. Today's question: WHAT ONE QUESTION, FOR WHATEVER REASON, DO YOU GET ASKED A LOT?
"Having fun yet?" He's a plumber's apprentice
"Are you Irish?" He's a short red- headed dude with Leprechaun- like facial hair
"You got a joint?" Has long hair and a beard
"Are they twins?" He has IDENTICAL twin daughters
"What's in it?" He's a UPS driver and customers assume he knows what THEY ordered
"Can I touch your beard?" He has a huge beard
"Can you eat eggs?" He's lactose intolerant. WTF do eggs have to do with it?
"What nationality are you?" Well, he's AMERICAN, but they mean to ask is what ethnicity he is... and he doesn't know because he was adopted by a black family... and he's not black... or white.
"Does it rain a lot in Seattle?" That's the question he gets every time he travels. I think we all do.
"What's wrong with your eyes?" Has a condition I can't pronounce that causes his eyes to twitch all the time. People assume he's high
"Did you kill anyone in Iraq?" He did three tours of duty there.
"Do you shave your head?" Yes... because his head is shaved
"Are you related to Elvis?" His last name is Prestly. He should say, "yes, Elvis Costello."
On yesterday's show we did our 'Monday Random Question', where each caller is asked a different question. One of the questions that we asked was, "what's your most memorable fart story?". What we discovered is that EVERYONE has a memorable fart story. We started getting all manner of emails, texts and other callers wanting to share their most memorable tales of flatulatory greatness. 'Flatulatory' is not a real word, but I don't care. I like the way it sounds. Anyway, we walked into work today only to be greeted my MORE stories of the fart in our email inboxes, and then we stumbled upon a story out of Germany that involves a farm shed that EXPLODED as a direct result of 90 farting cows. Apparently, the methane flying out of their beefy bottoms interacted with static electricity, ignited and blew the shed apart. No people or cows died, but one cow was treated for severe burns... premature cooking? That, to us, is the ultimate fart story, but we knew that you had one too, so we asked: WHAT WAS THE STORY BEHIND THE GRETAEST FART?
After eating plums all day (???), he and a friend farted into a 2- liter bottle. A few hours later they squeezed in his mother's face (???... again) and she puked. Awww, kids!
Someone passed out on a sofa at a party, so he farted in their face
In 7th grade, the "hot girl" in math class asked if she could borrow his calculator. She was hot, he had a calculator, so he graciously agreed. However, when he leaned over to grab it, he inadvertently ripped a monster fart in her face
In jail he farted enough to clear his cell; 10 minutes later he gamble... and LOST
His mother had gastric bypass surgery 10 years ago and she STILL farts uncontrollably... and they smell awful
Used to fart on his dog all the time... his dog figured it out after a few months and decided to jump on the sofa and fart on HIM. I like that game. Unfortunately, my dog just goes back to sleep
Was getting the glorious gift of oral sex when he sensed that he had the kind of fart coming on that cannot be held. He squeaked it out... and she promptly puked on his lap
Giving a book report in 8th grade when he sneezed... AND farted. Had to live with that shame until his family moved out of state
Had the wonderful experience of checking his wife's nether regions for a yeast infection (like all men dream of doing) when she farted in his face
This is a matter of timing; Was watching the third 'Twilight' movie with his wife. She blasted out a very large fart. At that point in the movie, the main character (Edward?) looks at the camera and says, "what was that?"
Ah, few things warm my heart like talking about farts for hours. Guess there is a Santa Claus!
OK, I'm outta here.
Until tomorrow, lick it, stick it and STAY BEAUTIFUL."
In Cambridge, England, the City Council ruled that apostrophes should be removed from street signs... to avoid confusing emergency services. In other news, emergency service in England is EASILY confused. However, a group called Good Grammar Company (seriously) is protesting the idea. This entire situation is borderline stupid, but, essentially, the 'politically correct' are taking on the grammar Nazis in a battle that's sure to be annoying. The thing that both of these groups have in common is their overwhelming, and seemingly untreatable, desire to correct everyone around them. We all know these people. WHAT DOES IT SEEM LIKE OTHER PEOPLE ARE ALWAYS TRYING TO CORRECT ABOUT YOU?
The personal trainers at his gym... inevitably, whatever he's doing, he's going it wrong
She has a bunch of tattoos and many people (meaning family) continue to object to her getting more. She works full time and has a career, what's the problem.
His wife is a backseat driver and enjoys 'correcting' his every driving decision
Was out of work for 10 months and people kept telling him what kind of job he should get
Her husband is a stay- at- home dad and her friends are always trying to convince her to convince him to get a job. Oddly enough, if the woman stays home with the kids then parenting is a job, but if the guy stays home, he's just a lazy freeloader
People often try to correct his choice of pizza toppings... whether he intends to share his pizza or not
People try to correct her on how to spell HER name. It's pronounced 'Cassandra' but it's spelled 'Quesdandra'. Yes, it's odd, but that's how her name is spelled
She's a lesbian but her grandmother insists that it's just a phase because she's not giving men enough of a chance
OK, the weekend is here, so let's get it going on!
Until Monday, do what you do best and STAY BEAUTIFUL!"