We go to the Garden State, New Jersey, where a yearlong investigation, dubbed 'Operation Swill', exposed 29 bars and restaurants, including 13 T.G.I. Fridays, for substituting top shelf booze with the cheap sh*t. In other words, these establishments filled their Grey Goose, Jack Daniels and Bombay's with the cheap crap in the wells... but still charges customers the premium prices... if they were even THAT lucky. At one bar, a mixture of caramel coloring and RUBBING ALCOHOL was sold as scotch! See, you THINK you're drinking the good stuff, but you're drinking a crappy imitation. Speaking of crappy imitations, 23 years ago today, in 1990, the same state of New Jersey proposed a bill that would REQUIRE music venues to notify audiences when an act lip- synchs. Why? It was in response to the Milli- Vanilli lip- synching scandal back in the days when people thought pop stars actually sang music live. Granted, the dudes in Milli- Vanilli didn't even sing the songs in the studio. They were just two pretty faces picked by a record company to represent the music. Lots of people were pissed when they discovered that they were not what they'd thought they were. Happens to all of us; you take a swig of 'water' only to discover it's 7-Up, click on the thumbnail of some 'hottie' on a porn site, only to find out it's a dude dressed like a woman or you take a hit of what you thought was weed, but it was crack. Happened to Miles. Today's question: WHAT DID YOU THINK IT WAS, AND WHAT DID IT END UP BEING?
Someone offered him a cigarette... it was a cigarette but it had crack sprinkled on it
Thought it was a dairy cow... it was a bull... a very territorial bull that pretty much f**ked him up
Thought she had kidney stones, but no, she was about to give birth! She was 9 month's pregnant and had no idea. In case you were wondering, yes, she is 250 pounds
Ate some tacos at a party BEFORE he found out that they were laced with acid
Was in Iraq... thought it was trash... it was IED
Mom gave him a bowl of ice cream when he was 7... it was sour cream
Thought it was gonna be a one- night- stand... it was just the FIRST time he had sex with his wife of 10 years
Was at a wedding and decided to do a 'whip- it' from a can of whipped- cream... it was a can of Easy- Off oven cleaner. Blacked out and went to the hospital
Good news; you didn't have a stroke. Bad news; you have Bells Palsy
Had a 'tingle' in his scrotum, but didn't worry about it too much... until the doctor pointed out that it's cancer. He's in week 3 of chemo
Thought it was meatloaf... it was cat food
Was at a public pool and decided to swim up to his friend underwater and ripped down his buddy's trunks. It wasn't his buddy... it was a 13- year- old kid
Met a woman online, chatted for a few months and FINALLY set up a meeting. she was a hair- dresser, so he met her there. She had a client at the time, so he was told to wait in the 'massage room'. When she finished up with her client, she gave him a 'full body' massage, complete with a happy ending. They head to the bar, get a few drinks in them, start making out and getting all hot and heavy. Like any red- blooded man, he started sliding his hand up her thigh... and THAT'S when he discovered her penis.
I'll send you into a three- day weekend with that. You're welcome.
Until Tuesday, do what you do best and STAY BEAUTIFUL!"
The folks at the Daily Mail put together 10 Facts About the Average Family, including when you go to bed and how often you argue with your significant other. We also have results of how much loose change the average person has laying around the house, how many times the average person visits the bathroom a day, and how much time the average person spends looking for lost items during the course of their life. In case you missed it, there's a theme here and that theme is 'average'. Now, we've seen your Facebook profiles and Instagram pics, so we know you're ballin'! You look fantastic in every picture, you vacation in exotic locales and the food you eat is 5- star... we get it. Today, however, we asked if you could pull yourself away from your virtual perfection and come clean about WHAT ABOUT YOU IS DEAD AVERAGE?
No offense, but the answers to today's question kinda sucked. They really did. Essentially, what we learned is that most of the men who listen to our show have average penises, and one of the women who listens to our show has an unusually tiny vagina. True.
Seriously, that's all I've got.
Until tomorrow, eat your sugar and STAY BEAUTIFUL!"
The American Psychiatric Association announced that "video game addiction" is a legitimate disorder. Seriously. Of course, the American Psychiatric Association stands to profit handsomely from this new 'diagnosis'... so who knows if there's any validity to this new 'disorder'... but this latest assertion does give parents added ammunition in their efforts to convince their kids to stop playing video games so much. For those parents that DO try to shield their kids from everything in the big, bad world, we have bad news. The FCC (also known as 'the fun police') are considering (CONSIDERING) changing its guidelines to allow more 'racy' content on TV during earlier primetime hours. Quick side note: people who use the term 'racy' are wholly unaware of what is actually 'racy'. Anyway, the FCC isn't suggesting that you'll be able to watch 'Caligula' at 8 o'clock on NBC, but they are considering allowing some fleeting expletives and maybe, I dunno, a side- boob. Naturally, the usual suspects (American Television Council, Parents Television Council, etc) are already up in arms about it, asking 'what about the children?!?' The REAL question is; 'what about the parents?' Protecting our kids from whatever 'evil' we think is floating through our collective ether is our job... as a parent. Not everyone else's. And with that, today's question: WHAT DID YOUR PARENTS TRY TO PREVENT YOU FROM SEEING, DOING OR EXPERIENCING?
Technology... no TV, no video games and no computer
Her mom was the opposite; let her experience "all things". Got it outta her system and is pretty straight and narrow now
Street racing... because it's illegal no matter how old you are
She was drinking and partying with friends, so her parents sent her to Korea (???) Didn't work. As best we could tell, she was STILL a little less than responsible. 'Responsible' isn't the right word, so, at the risk of sounding mean, she seemed pretty f**king dumb
He could smoke weed with mom, he could have sex in the house with his girlfriend(s), but he was forbidden from watching "Natural Born Killers"
Couldn't listen to Snoop Dog... his mother had no problem with the lyrical content or anything, but she believed that snoop's name was some kind of implication that women were comparable to dogs WTF???
Couldn't listen to heavy metal because, as we all know, heavy metal is Satanic
Wasn't permitted to listen to Pink Floyd. Don't know why
Prevented him from getting a job in high school so that he'd join the military
And the thing his parents wanted to prevent him from seeing, doing or experiencing was the neighbor's daughter
RANDOM
Sometimes you stumble upon a question that eats away at you and you can't rest until you get an answer. Happened to us today. We have no way of really getting an answer, but the question was; in America, are there more while 'Jamal's' or black lifeguards? We just don't know. Thoughts?
All I've got today, bitches.
Until tomorrow, you can't eat pudding until you eat your meat, so STAY BEAUTIFUL!"
105 years ago today, in 1908, the first horror movie EVER premiered in Chicago. It was a 16 minute silent movie with a familiar name; "Doctor Jekyll and Mr. Hide". The same story has been recreated over and over (think "The Incredible Hulk"), but as the FIRST horror movie, it scared the living bejesus out of people and a new genre was born... and we've been spending money to scare ourselves to death ever since. Most of us, however, would NOT spend money to face our REAL fears. If you're scared of heights, you probably don't visit the Space Needle, if you're scared of clowns, it's unlikely you wanna go to the circus and if you're scared of snakes, well, the reptile house at the zoo is probably not for you. Everyone has a fear or a phobia and today we didn't just wanna know WHAT you were scared of, we also wanted to know how and when you figured out that you were scared of it: WHAT SCARES YOU THE MOST AND WHEN DID YOU DISCOVER YOU'RE A SISSY- BITCH?
Spiders... grew up in So Cal where there are tarantulas... his grandfather put one on his shoulder when he was a kid and he hasn't been OK since
Clowns... like a lot of kids, she saw "It" and was ruined... a few months later she was at a parade and a clown charged at her. That didn't help
Being choked... his MMA buddy choked him out once and it freaked him out
Tornadoes... generally, being scared of a tornado wouldn't take any explanation because, you know, it's a f**king tornado, but in this case, he had to hide under an overpass at age 13 while a tornado whirled overhead. Said it was him and a bunch rats and mice hiding together
Like me, he has a healthy respect (absolute fear) of chimpanzees. They're furry murderers
Solitary confinement
Eels... he was snorkeling in Hawaii when an eel popped out and scared the sh*t out of him
In spite of (a) being a lifelong fan of horror movies and (b) 24- years- old, 'Paranormal Activity' scared him to the point that couldn't sleep until he drove to his parents house and crashed on their sofa
Terrified of being trapped in a falling elevator... one trip to Disney Land's Tower of Terror did the trick
Bugs in general, but centipedes in particular
Honey Buckets...his cousin once locked him in one and tipped it over. He went down a 100 foot embankment, covered in blue stuff and poop. Got all manner of infections, etc, spent a few weeks in the hospital
His own blood... not the sight of blood itself, but his own blood
Scared of feet... human feet. It's weird because we're assuming she has 2 of them
SIT AND SPIN
In honor of Doors' keyboardist Ray Manzarek passing from cancer, we decided to pay homage to the top 10 rock ORGAN songs. Top THAT!
OK bitches, I'm outta here.
It's Monday, so we asked the Monday Random Question, so, as always, I won't cover them all. Instead, here's a few things we learned today:
Sex toys aren't weird unless it takes more than 4 batteries or is more than 12 inches long.
Streaking through a supermarket ends about as well as you'd think.
If Ted is willing to enter the "Smallest Penis Competition" in Brooklyn, New York, I will buy his plane ticket to go. It's real competition and my offer is true. Will he?
If Miles were a polygamist, he'd have 3 wives, named Tammy, Donna and Dawn.
What you call your taint, is actually called a 'perineum'. FCC forbids the word 'taint' on-air, but it occurred to us that we had no idea what that weird little ridge was actually called. Now we know... and will be saying it at every opportunity. PERINEUM!
Would you drink beer if you had to drink it out of a penis- shaped squeeze bottle?
Jeetz has not gotten a tan in Alaska.
OK bitches, I'm outta here.
Until tomorrow, jiggle it just a little and STAY BEAUTIFUL!"
So here's a new term for something that anyone in a relationship is already aware of; it's called "Netflix adultry"... which is the act of watching an episode of a TV show without our significant other... even though they'd wanted to watch it with you. It's not limited to TV shows, of course. Ever watch a movie on on- demand or whatever, only to hear, "I wanted to watch that!", followed by a reprimand for being insensitive? Or maybe you decided that you wanted to eat something different than your partner for dinner and it becomes a "thing". There are certain things that, for, whatever reason, your partner thinks you MUST do together, and that's what we wanna know today: WHAT DOES YOUR SIGNIFICANT OTHER INSIST YOU DO TOGETHER... OR INSIST YOU DO APART?
Oddly, his insists on going with him to strip clubs... doesn't think he'll cheat (it's a strip club, after all, not a brothel) but she loves strip clubs. He doesn't want her to go because SHE spends too much money
In addition to EVERYTHING ELSE he does, she ALSO wants to accompany he and a friend to the gym. That's the one he hates most
His girl insists on going to his favorite bar with him... which removes it as his 'favorite' bar
Her boyfriend likes to watch tv togehter, however, he talks through all of the shows and it drives her crazy
Her husband insists that SHE hang out with him and his friends (???) but she hates his friends.
She hadn't given it much thought until we asked the question today, but it occured to her that she and her husband do absolutely nothing together. We're sure HE was aware of that and we hope we didn't ruin it for him
Both he and his wife reace cars, however, they never race together
His wife wants to do EVERYTHING together, to a "maddening degree". What's up with that?
OK bitches, the weekend is here. Let's it get cracka- lackin'. Shout out to Kevin from Metal Shop, who has filled in dutifully for Ben all week while Ben spent time in Spain for his honeymoon. Anyway, check out Metal Shop, bitches and give Kevin some love. Say whatever you want to Ian.
Until Monday, do what you do best and STAY BEAUTIFUL!
A woman in Edmonds was arrested earlier this week and is facing animal cruelty charges. Yea, she had 14 dogs, but was only legally allowed to own 5, but that's not why her neighbor tipped off police. See, she was FIGHTING dogs on her property and after years of hearing the abuse, a neighbor made a vidoe and told the police. Earlier this week in Port Angeles, a guy named Barry Swengle was in a longstanding dispute with neighbors over property lines and a fence. His response was to hop in a bulldozer and completely demolish his neighbors' house and cars. And yesterday in Georgia burned down his neighbor's house because he believed that that neighbor wasn't taking good enough care of his "unkempt" lawn. With these stories in mind: WHAT WOULD YOU STEAL OR DESTROY OF YOUR NEIGHBORS?
His neighbors are (Gypsy) hoarders and he would like to knock down their home and completely clear the lot
Wants to steal his neighbor's wife for one, passionate, hot, sexy, sweaty, smelly night of monkey sex
Wants to specifically destroy his neighbor... not his property, but the man himself
Would like to destroy his neighbor's "ugly" car. It's a classic car that hasn't been and, seeminly, will never be, restored
As a result of his neighbor's love for country and western music played at a high volume, he'd really like to steal their stereo and speakers and destroy them
Wants to destroy his neighbor's yappy little terrier because, frankly, it acts like a yippy little terrier. My neighbor has a yippie little f*king terrier and, seriously, I hate that thing
Wants his neighbor's "big- ass" flat screen TV. He feels like his neighbor is tempting him since he always watches the tv with the curtains open
Would very much like to steal his neighbor's karaoke machine... not because HE sings karaoke, but because he hates listening to his neighbors sing karaoke
Likes his neighbors just fine, but she hates their trees
Windchimes... doesn't mind or two, but his neighbors have a yard FULL of them and he would like to destroy them all
OK bitches, frankly, I have to sh*t, so I'm gonna go ahead and say 'peace'. Peace!
Until tomorrow, slap yo pappy and STAY BEAUTIFUL!"
If you're planning a trip to Disney World, you know you're gonna spend a lot of money and you know you're gonna stand in line for hours for a crack at riding the rides. Well a company called Dream Tours Florida can help reduce how long you're stuck in line. See, for $180 an hour or $1040 for 8 hours, Dream Tours Florida will give you a HANDICAPPED tour guide. Under Disney policy, a guest in a wheelchair can take up to six other people with them into special access lines... which take only minutes instead of hours.
Before you get outraged at their 'new' service, you should know it's an OLD service, and Manhattan elites have been taking advantage of it for years. Now you know. We all recognize that celebrities have a different set of laws that apply (or do not apply) to them, but every- once- in- a- while they ARE subject(ed) to the same justice as the rest of us, and on those rare occurences, the celebrities try to play their status card. Think of America's "sweetheart", Reese Witherspoon's encounter in Georgia. Based on her status she didn't believe that aithority applied to her. Ridiculous. Anyway, it leads to today's question: IF NEED BE, WHAT CARD CAN YOU WHIP OUT AND WHAT ADVANTAGE DO YOU GET FROM IT?
His father was a Seattle City cop and he would drop his name everytime he got into trouble... and he got into trouble a lot. He was even busted for drugs and weapons but avoided doing any time as a result of his paternal hook- up. However, his father eventually forbade him from using his name anymore.
He's a disabled veteran and can visit any National park for free. I'm not sure that's the greatest payback for his service, but he likes it
Uses his military status to get out of DUI's... or, in other words, he drives drunk too much
Works in the world of deliveries, and as a result, he can pretty much park anywhere, anytime... whether he's delivering anything or not
He's actually disabled and waits in line for nothing
She has boobs... big, lovely ones... and she uses them to her advantage as much as possible.
He's from Michigan, and his family runs one of the wealthiest businesses in the state... they make seats, but they make seats for planes, trains, cars, stadiums, arenas, etc. Gets special treatment at lots of different events
As a result of being a Native American, she gets free medical and dental
OK bitches, I'm outta here! I shall return.
Until tomorrow, hit it and quit it and STAY BEAUTIFUL!
A 19- year- old Arizona State University student drank 20 shots of tequila and passed out with a blood- alcohol level of 0.47... about 6 times the legal limit. He'd been involved in a drinking contest. Typical college stuff, to be sure, but what makes his story more interesting is that his friends left him in a wheelchair in a hospital lobby with a Post- It note stuck to him explaining what happened. Criminal charges could be filed against the friends who left him there. Meanwhile, NBA player and all- around strange dude, Dennis Rodman, is inexplicably friends with North Korean lard- ass Kin Jong Un. So much so, that as controversy swirls around North Korea detaining American citizen Kenneth Bae, Rodman fired off a tweet to Kim Jong that read, in part, "...do me a solid and cut Ken Bae loose." We'll just have to wait and see if the Korean Chubby does Dennis that 'solid'.
Friends are friends, but sometimes they just let you down. Maybe they owe you money, or they're jealous of you or they gave you the worst advice you've ever followed or maybe, just maybe, they left you in a hospital lobby with a Post- It note stuck to you. WHEN DID YOUR FRIENDS NOT DO YOU A 'SOLID'?
Friends filled his truck bed with manure on the night of a big date
His buddy (inexplicably) told his ex-wife a story of drunken debauchery (that included a misplaced deuce)... wouldn't have been that big of a deal except that they were involved in a custody battle and she used the story against him
Passed out in his living room... his roommates put baked beans down his pants. Thought he'd sh*t himself when he finally woke up
His friends left him in the middle of the street after a car accident. He was ejected and landed on the road. His friend's left him there. And that's just ONE of the reason's why crashing a stolen car is a bad idea
SIT AND SPIN
Pain in the Grass 2013 is going to be f**king insanely awesome. It just is. The Gorge? Awesome lineup? Sheeeeeiiiittt! Anyway, Jolene brought us on some audio samples of this year's delights. Here's the link
Today, we wanted to know: IF YOU HAD ONE CHANCE, WHAT WOULD YOU DO ONE MORE TIME?
Yea, I know, usually I give you the set up and all, but I've been running late today, so... sorry. However, I will provide you with today's answers.
A 3- some... had a 3- way in his teens and would like to do it again. His current girlfriend said she was open to the idea, but we're pretty sure she was running a con. We also think she listens to the show because after exposing her con on the air, he texted us to let us know that arrangements had been made to make the 3- way happen. We're doing God's work.
He'd go back to college for radio broadcasting... made it for 3 months before giving up
Bungie jump in California... they now have weight limits and "stuff". Should point out that the guy is 6 feet 7 and weighs about 350 pounds
Would go back to Grand Cayman Island... specifically for the delicious turtle burger
Sex on a cruise ship... managed to shack up with some random chick near the smoke stacks
Wants to relive the night before his wedding when he was involved in an orgy
Found out where the dearly departed Jeff Hanneman lived and visited him on Halloween... Jeff was not particularly pleased, but he DID hook him up with special edition of one of their albums before telling him to "leave him the f**k alone"
Wants to back to Zambia... was there when he was 6 or 7 but was too young to appreciate the several safaris or the 2 weeks spent camping in a game reserve
That's all I've got, bitches. We're off next week. You've been warned.
Until we meet again, do what you do best and STAY BEAUTIFUL!"
Ireland Baldwin, daughter of Alec Baldwin and Kim Bassinger (greatest parental unit ever!!!) would like you to know, yes, she does remember the voice mail from her father 6 years ago when he called her a "rude, thoughtless little pig", but she's not happy about that that's become her nickname. Can't say I blame her. She's not little anymore! Meanwhile, former President George W. Bush is well- aware that his "Mission Accomplished" speech 10 years ago, regarding America's military role in Iraq, was just a tad premature. Just a tad. Today is the 10th anniversary of his declaration. Former NFL quarterback Vince Young is STILL being made fun of for his insistence that the Philadelphia Eagles had a "dream team" in 2011... which was OBVIOUSLY wrong based on the fact that he was on the roster. Oh, and former child- stars Ricky Shroeder and Joey Lawrence are very, seriously getting tired of NOT being referred to as 'Rick' and 'Joe' respectively. All of us have something we'd like to leave behind: WHAT NICKNAME, REPUTATION OR THING YOU SAID WOULD YOU NOT LIKE TO DEAL WITH?
At about age 6, he told the following joke: Q: "What do you get when you cross tuna and coffee?" A: "TUNA COFFEE!" His family won't let him live it down
Her older brother's friend started calling her 'Road Whore' in high school... never found out why
In spite of being 52- years- old now, his mother STILL calls him 'Sugar Foot'. Yea, in spite of being 44 now, my mother slips up and calls me "Shang- a- Lang". Makes me bristle every time... and I have no f**king idea what it means. Sounds like Panda's name
She would like you stop calling her Hamburger Amber or Amberger
She was a freshman in high school when 'Forrest Gump' was released as a movie... her name is Forrest. We researched it, and exactly .06% of all the Forrest's' in America are female
People call him Dorie because he looks like Dorie from 'Finding Nemo'
Got a black eye after a fight... everyone called her 'Petey', as in Petey the Dog from "The Little Rascals". If she would get mad, people would say things like "relax girl" or "down girl"
Could go on and on but I'm running out of time, so, sorry. Or, SAW- RAYYYYY!
So far, so good... at least that's what the local authorities are saying about THIS year's May Day. Sure, a few people with bandanas covering their faces yelled some profanities at the police, but overall, there are no repeats of LAST year's May Day, when self- styled "anarchists" went on a property damage rampage downtown. May Day, if you don't know, is supposed to celebrate the nation's workers, but it's morphed into a rally for workers' rights because no one likes being kept down by the man! On that note, fans of the Washington Nationals find themselves in a battle regarding The Wave... you know the Wave... that endless and annoying non- celebration that sports fans just LOVE to perform at live events. Anyway, at National's Park, where the team plays, there are two groups of people; one of them HATES the Wave, the other group LOVES the Wave. Recently, a woman was thrown out of the game by security for doing the Wave. Meanwhile, there's all kinds of controversy going on right now about the possibility of performing background checks for potential gun buyers, there's a plastic bag ban in Seattle, pit bulls are banned in multiple jurisdictions across the country, you're supposed to smoke 25 feet away (or farther) from public doorways, weed is still illegal in 48 of the 50 states, etc. IF THE MAN IS KEEPING YOU DOWN, WHO IS THE MAN?
The Department of Revenue... he owns 2 businesses and D of R is a real pain in his ass
Women in general
His girlfriend doesn't appreciate his drinking... well, she doesn't appreciate how OFTEN he drinks. Welcome to the club
The CPS (Child Protective Service) because he believes that parents should be able to spank their kids. I think parents should be able to spank OTHER people's kids!!!
The WSU Administration for not letting him dip at the library
His landlord also owns the land on both sides of his current rental house... sold the property for condo development and now his view is disappearing and has the soft sounds of construction every day
Tacoma meter readers... he's gotten 9 parking tickets in the last month... and, naturally, that's THEIR fault
The banks... he's trying to get additional loans for the business he already has but they've screwed up his credit rating by consistently inquiring about his credit rating... which devalues your credit rating. See how that works?
His old boss in the military would prevent him from getting in front of promotion boards, etc, while he was serving in Afghanistan, saying, "you're not ready yet". Ironically, after that boss killed himself (yea), the military promoted him to his old boss's position
