SHOW # 942 December 7

“Hola statisticolas,

While the personal life of Tiger Woods means absolutely nothing to me, it’s impossible to escape hearing about it. It all started Thanksgiving weekend when Tiger’s wife caught wind of an alleged affair between him and some random Vegas jet- setter. The wife, as you well know, introduced the windshield of Tiger’s SUV to the destructive powers of a golf club. Since then, 8 more women have come out of the woodwork claiming that they, too, have had romantic relations with the world’s wealthiest athlete. That’s a new diamond ring for every finger on Tiger’s wife’s hand except one. We call that the “Kobe Bryant equation”. We don’t know this for sure, but we’re assuming that Tiger had told his wife that the first woman mentioned as his ‘play thing’ was the ONLY one. On the other hand, that’s usually the same answer the average drunk driver tells the police after getting pulled over. You know how it goes; “I’ve had only one drink, officer”… thinking that if you don’t mention the other 8, maybe the cops will let you go; they won’t. At least Miles will always admit to having two shots. That’s not quite accurate, but it’s more than one. Ask any guy between the ages of 18 and 22 how many women they’ve been with and whatever they answer, subtract 5. Ask a woman over the age of 30 how many guys she’s been with and add 5. Ask her her weight and add 15. Ask her age and add 7. When it comes to personal statistics, we all lie about some slots more than others: WHEN IT COMES TO LITTLE WHITE LIES, WHICH NUMBER IN YOUR PERSONAL STATISTICS DO YOU LIE ABOUT MOST OFTEN?

If I’m gonna lie about any stats, its how many drinks I’ve had. The truth is, I don’t keep count, but I know my limit… and then surpass it. It’s like speeding; you know how fast you’re supposed to drive, but chances are, you’ve go over that limit. Same with me.

How much money he makes in tips (to avoid getting bent over the IRS) and lies that his current wife is his first… she’s his second

His height and weight… and the number of women he’s been with

Lies about how tall he is… he’s 5 feet 5 and says he’s 5 feet 8… and doesn’t expect anyone to notice

Height AND weight… and this is from a guy

Number of women he’s been with… gives a lower number

Used to lie about her age; she was 26 for years, but now she lies about her weight

Lies about how much money he makes

How much money he’s won or lost gambling at casinos

The score of his golf game

Lies about his number of arrests

Lies about finishing high school

His wife is doing porn to supplement their income… and no one knows it

“The check is in the mail”

Playboy is the only ‘porn’ he looks at

How much tobacco they consume

And the lie that any of us will tell… any answer to a child’s question

Lies about her religion

Everybody lies at one time or another… and if anyone tells you that they don’t lie, they’re lying

Alright, I have a f**king toothache. I know I need to go to the dentist, but I usually wait until it’s an emergency situation. Hopefully I can blow it off for a few more weeks. We’ll see. This has been messing with me for about two weeks, and for whatever reason, I still haven’t gotten it checked out. Just me being me.

OK, time to go home and ‘ease the pain’ in my own, homeopathic way.

Until tomorrow, brush after every meal and STAY BEAUTIFUL!”

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12/07/2009 3:14PM
SHOW # 942 December 7
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