SHOW # 947 December 14

“Hola big boob/ small boobolas,

Cheryl Lavin is an advice columnist for the Chicago Sun Times, and like most advice columnists, Cheryl gets inundated with questions from people who can’t or won’t make obvious decisions for themselves.  One of her more recent requests for help came from a man in mid 30’s who is still a virgin and wants to lose his virginity but is “terrified” by the prospect.  Long story short, Cheryl recommended the same thing most of us would recommend; get yourself a hooker.  Naturally, not everyone is cool with that advice, but to be fair, if you’re in your 30’s and you haven’t had sex yet, but want to, I’d suggest the same thing.  The average guy loses his virginity right around the age of 16… this guy is 14 years (or more) late to the party.  He is the text book definition of a “late bloomer”.  On the other end of the spectrum are the “early bloomers”.  We go now to, which recently featured an article about a mother who is sick of waiting for her INFANT daughter to stop being “so bald”.  (???)  The mother did what any reasonable parent would do and bought her a ‘baby wig’… which is exactly what it sounds like.  Now her child looks less like an infant and more like a freeze- dried Beyonce.  When it comes to normal human development, most of us experience our natural changes at about the same time, but inevitably there are those of us who developed faster than most, and those of us who developed slower than most.  Whether it’s boobs, pubes, voice change, bed- wetting, being scared of the dark or losing your virginity, today we wanted to know:  WHEN IT COMES TO THE HUMAN PARTY, WHAT WERE YOU EARLY OR LATE TO?

I grew very tall and grew size 13 feet by the time I was 12.  Pretty sure I haven’t grown since, but it was very weird for about a year getting used to my bigger body.  Tripped over everything, hit my f**king head on everything, etc.  But being a tall boy is not so bad.  What really sucked was my voice.  People tell me now that I have a deep voice, blah, blah, blah, but up until I was about 14 I sounded like a girl.  It was mortifying.  I was the only kid who was HAPPY to have a ‘cracking’ voice because that’s when I knew the light was at the end of the tunnel.  My penis, meanwhile, always huge!  OK, maybe not.

Here are some of the things you and you cohorts developed early… or late:

Didn’t get pubes until he was 18… meaning he couldn’t join his fellow high schoolers who played a game called “wanna see my scar”.  The “scar” was actually their pubes.  Never played that game.

Started shaving at age 11… didn’t every school have that one guy who had facial hair YEARS before everyone else

Didn’t lose his virginity until he was 22

She’s currently 29 years old and still doesn’t have boobs.  That’s OK, lady, boobs of any size are still boobs

Got pregnant at 14.  She’s now 22 and pregnant with her 3rd kid.  She swears she uses birth control and isn’t trying to get pregnant.  She might wanna try a wee bit harder, yes?

Had a full beard by ii years old… this came via e- mail, so I’m just ASSUMING this was from a guy

Had hairy armpits by age 7.  He never gave it much thought, but one day, while enjoying the imminent danger that only a Slip and Slide can provide, the other kids saw his hairy pits and made relentless fun of him.

Lost his virginity at age 10.  How good could sex be when you’re 10 years old.

Learned to walk before he had any hair on his body.  Probably looked like some weird, two legged Chihuahua.

Late to learn how to read… he’s from f**king Latvia and moved here (America) as a teen.  It’s understood… and he has a better excuse than the American born and bread who still can’t read or speak.

Lost his virginity at age 13.

Freshman year of high school: 4’ 3… by his senior year, he was 6’ 3.

Age 20, he was 6 feet tall and 125 pounds; at age 21 (as in one year later) he was 6 feet 2 inches tall and weighed 200 pounds

Alright bitches, it’s no secret that we’re not the hardest working gentlemen in the world, but there is a method to our madness.  Basically, with regards to coming up with our Question of the Day, we scour all manner of news sources and stories to see what juices our brains, so to speak.  Anyway, today’s question was inspired more by a photograph than the story.  Here is the picture that inspired us:

wig baby

How f**king ridiculous does that poor baby look?  You have to get a license to drive, but anyone can have children; seeing pictures like this make me question our priorities.  God help us all.

OK bitches, Happy Monday.  Time to enjoy a little Monday Night Football.

Until tomorrow, one of us is going down, so STAY BEAUTIFUL!”

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12/14/2009 3:10PM
SHOW # 947 December 14
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