Jolene
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SHOW # 1011 April 5 2010

“Hola whenolas,

Yesterday, just south of the U.S. border with Mexico, a 7.2 magnitude earthquake, one of the strongest in the region in decades, shook about 20 million people from Mexicali to Los Angeles.  There have been upwards of 100 aftershocks since, but the human toll has been surprisingly low.  This comes on the heels of earthquakes in Haiti, Chile, and Turkey.  Seattle, of course, is on a fault, as everyone was reminded in 2001, so we can all expect to hear that favorite quote of doomsayers everywhere; when it comes to an earthquake in Seattle, “it’s not a matter of IF, it’s a matter of WHEN”.  Prepare for it… the saying, not the quake.  Speaking of ‘when not if’, today also marks the 16th anniversary of Kurt Cobain’s death.  I remember the day, I remember hearing the news and I remember that it was sad, hugely sad… and then I remember seeing a teary- eyed girl on the TV screen mumbling, “I can’t believe he’s gone”… which made me think, you can’t believe that a heroin addict who wrote the lyrics, “I hate myself and I want to die” took his own life?!?  Really?!?  With Kurt Cobain, his suicide was tragic (like any suicide) but you can’t say it was a surprise.  When it came to Kurt Cobain and suicide, it was definitely a matter of WHEN and not IF.  Today we ask you to evaluate your own life; maybe you’re determined to start a family or get your PhD, or maybe you’re a hopeless addict counting down the days to your personal extinction, or maybe you’re determined to get the girl, publish your own book or buy your dream car.  Whether you’re determined to create your own destiny or resigned to your fate, we wanted to know:  BASED ON WHO YOU BE (yes, who you be) WHEN IT COMES TO YOUR LIFE, IT’S NOT A MATTER OF ‘IF’ ______ HAPPENS, BUT WHEN?



Will always be the fat and funny guy… could be worse, you could be the fat and UNfunny

Determined to become a well known comedian… good luck to you

Will write an autobiography about the “knife wielding gutter whores” he’s dealt with… can’t wait

He WILL have the tumor removed from his brain… eventually

Hit it big with his band… he’s in a band with the original keyboard player from Steppenwolf… they’re called Magic Carpet Ride

He will get a MAC book… GET ONE  I’m not even a fan of computers, but I swear by Mac’s over PC’s

Will bowl a 300… he’s not just pipe dreaming, the guy bowls up to a 298… or 258 points more than me

Get an STD… the guy that called was a complete buffoon, but he makes a good point; STD’s are always one vagina away

Get in a fist fight… it’s not that he WANTS to, but he runs his mouth and will, sooner or later, get his ass kicked

Pretty sure he will die at 64 years and 9 months … it’s his family lineage… and not something to look forward to.  He’s like Lt. Dan in ‘Forrest Gump’.

End up in the ER… he’s accident prone (which is no big deal( but he chooses to be a ‘dare devil’ on top of it

Lose a finger… he’s a carpenter and he seems to see losing a digit is rite of passage

He WILL own his own bar… in Portland, with live music and strippers… I’ll visit that bar

Solve a Rubik’s cube in LESS than 15 seconds… the thing came out, what, about 30 years ago, and I still haven’t figured it out

FARTING

So my wife is on one of those “let’s eat healthier” kicks that I don’t enjoy much, but I’m trying to eat healthier along with her.  Well, that’s not entirely true; I’m not eating healthier, per se, just not eating as much toxin and sugary death as usual.  Anyway, the wife understands that trying to get me to eat healthy food is a fruitless endeavor, so she’s attempting to create healthy things I’ll willingly eat.  Last night she made us smoothies, with strawberries, raspberries and other things that nature created and hooked me up with a glass.  It was good, no doubt about it, but all of this fiber and nature sh*t is KILLING me.  By the time I went to bed last night I was doubled over with ‘stomach issues’ (meaning the super- farts).  Woke up at about 4:30 in the morning having one of those dreams where you think you have to poop… only to wake up realizing that you REALLY have to poop.  It was atrocious.  In my life, I’ve never expelled such a pungent loaf of turd.  Seriously, it was terrible.  Then woke up to the alarm and repeated my stinkiness.  It’s been this way all day and I KNOW it’s because all of this natural fiber is cleaning out things that have CLEARLY been trapped in my innards since childhood.  My farts smell so bad they’re not even funny, and that’s distressing.  Just thought I’d share.

On that note, me and my aching stomach and reeking ass bid you adieu.

Until tomorrow, ooh that smell, can’t you smell that smell… STAY BEAUTIFUL!”


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04/05/2010 1:35PM
SHOW # 1011 April 5 2010
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