Yesterday, just south of the U.S. border with Mexico, a 7.2 magnitude earthquake, one of the strongest in the region in decades, shook about 20 million people from Mexicali to Los Angeles.Ā There have been upwards of 100 aftershocks since, but the human toll has been surprisingly low.Ā This comes on the heels of earthquakes in Haiti, Chile, and Turkey.Ā Seattle, of course, is on a fault, as everyone was reminded in 2001, so we can all expect to hear that favorite quote of doomsayers everywhere; when it comes to an earthquake in Seattle, āitās not a matter of IF, itās a matter of WHENā.Ā Prepare for itā¦ the saying, not the quake.Ā Speaking of āwhen not ifā, today also marks the 16th anniversary of Kurt Cobainās death.Ā I remember the day, I remember hearing the news and I remember that it was sad, hugely sadā¦ and then I remember seeing a teary- eyed girl on the TV screen mumbling, āI canāt believe heās goneāā¦ which made me think, you canāt believe that a heroin addict who wrote the lyrics, āI hate myself and I want to dieā took his own life?!?Ā Really?!?Ā With Kurt Cobain, his suicide was tragic (like any suicide) but you canāt say it was a surprise.Ā When it came to Kurt Cobain and suicide, it was definitely a matter of WHEN and not IF.Ā Today we ask you to evaluate your own life; maybe youāre determined to start a family or get your PhD, or maybe youāre a hopeless addict counting down the days to your personal extinction, or maybe youāre determined to get the girl, publish your own book or buy your dream car.Ā Whether youāre determined to create your own destiny or resigned to your fate, we wanted to know:Ā BASED ON WHO YOU BE (yes, who you be) WHEN IT COMES TO YOUR LIFE, ITāS NOT A MATTER OF āIFā ______ HAPPENS, BUT WHEN?
Will always be the fat and funny guyā¦ could be worse, you could be the fat and UNfunny
Determined to become a well known comedianā¦ good luck to you
Will write an autobiography about the āknife wielding gutter whoresā heās dealt withā¦ canāt wait
He WILL have the tumor removed from his brainā¦ eventually
Hit it big with his bandā¦ heās in a band with the original keyboard player from Steppenwolfā¦ theyāre called Magic Carpet Ride
He will get a MAC bookā¦ GET ONEĀ Iām not even a fan of computers, but I swear by Macās over PCās
Will bowl a 300ā¦ heās not just pipe dreaming, the guy bowls up to a 298ā¦ or 258 points more than me
Get an STDā¦ the guy that called was a complete buffoon, but he makes a good point; STDās are always one vagina away
Get in a fist fightā¦ itās not that he WANTS to, but he runs his mouth and will, sooner or later, get his ass kicked
Pretty sure he will die at 64 years and 9 months ā¦ itās his family lineageā¦ and not something to look forward to.Ā Heās like Lt. Dan in āForrest Gumpā.
End up in the ERā¦ heās accident prone (which is no big deal( but he chooses to be a ādare devilā on top of it
Lose a fingerā¦ heās a carpenter and he seems to see losing a digit is rite of passage
He WILL own his own barā¦ in Portland, with live music and strippersā¦ Iāll visit that bar
Solve a Rubikās cube in LESS than 15 secondsā¦ the thing came out, what, about 30 years ago, and I still havenāt figured it out
So my wife is on one of those āletās eat healthierā kicks that I donāt enjoy much, but Iām trying to eat healthier along with her.Ā Well, thatās not entirely true; Iām not eating healthier, per se, just not eating as much toxin and sugary death as usual.Ā Anyway, the wife understands that trying to get me to eat healthy food is a fruitless endeavor, so sheās attempting to create healthy things Iāll willingly eat.Ā Last night she made us smoothies, with strawberries, raspberries and other things that nature created and hooked me up with a glass.Ā It was good, no doubt about it, but all of this fiber and nature sh*t is KILLING me.Ā By the time I went to bed last night I was doubled over with āstomach issuesā (meaning the super- farts).Ā Woke up at about 4:30 in the morning having one of those dreams where you think you have to poopā¦ only to wake up realizing that you REALLY have to poop.Ā It was atrocious.Ā In my life, Iāve never expelled such a pungent loaf of turd.Ā Seriously, it was terrible.Ā Then woke up to the alarm and repeated my stinkiness.Ā Itās been this way all day and I KNOW itās because all of this natural fiber is cleaning out things that have CLEARLY been trapped in my innards since childhood.Ā My farts smell so bad theyāre not even funny, and thatās distressing.Ā Just thought Iād share.
On that note, me and my aching stomach and reeking ass bid you adieu.
Until tomorrow, ooh that smell, canāt you smell that smellā¦ STAY BEAUTIFUL!ā