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Today is Earth Day… and we don’t really care. Today is ALSO ‘Bring Your Kid(s) to Work Day’, and a few people have done just that. It’s a great idea in THEORY, but in reality, would you really want your kid to see you at work? Sure, your kids are probably proud enough of whatever it is you do, but let’s be honest, your job TITLE and what you actually do WHILE you’re at work aren’t always the same thing. Playing solitaire, checking your Facebook account and surfing porn aren’t likely to be part of your job description, but chances are, that’s what you do for at least part of your day… and your kids don’t need to know that. Just sayin’. Meanwhile, Playboy is hovering around the UW campus today looking for college girls comfortable with the idea of middle aged men masturbating to their photographs. That’s right, the October 2010 issue of Playboy will feature the “Girls of the PAC 10” and I, for one, can’t wait. However, as I get older (and slightly more thoughtful about such things) I remind myself that while my pants are around my ankles and the unscented hand lotion has been aptly applied, I ask myself, would I be cool if MY daughter were in Playboy? Ah kids; every parents goal is to raise their kids to be less of a scumbag than you are… and that leads to our question: AS A CURRENT OR FUTURE PARENT, WHAT IS THE ONE THING YOU WOULD ABSOLUTELY NOT LET YOUR KIDS DO?
I’m not a parent, but I think I know my personal answer; ANYTHING I’ve done in my past… and a few of the things I do now. I won’t go through the list of my transgressions, but I’ve set myself up to be a hypocrite. Oh well.
Now, some of you have kids and some of you don’t, but here are the things you forsake your children from doing… meaning these are the things you’re kids will do to spite you!
Will not let his kid become a member of a religious organization
Drive before their 18
Become hookers… a popular sentiment today. Just know that your daughter, like all women, WILL use their vagina to get what they want. They might not make money with it, but they won’t give it up for free. The good news is, your daughter won’t be a hooker, but she will be a slut. I kid… mostly.
Drugs… do you really think your kid is gonna share that with you? If you do, YOU’RE high.
Be a lawyer… sure, we all bag on lawyers, but the truth is this; if you could trust people at their word or trust people to do the right thing, lawyers wouldn’t have a job.
No dates before the age of 17
Cannot make him a grandfather until they’ve completed their education
No drugs harder than weed
Can’t listen to the Men’s Room
No reality TV appearances
Join a gang… but what if it’s the Little Rascals
Be a bully
Maybe you heard the show this past Tuesday and maybe you didn’t, but Spider- Man stopped by to drop off a bottle of tequila sent to us courtesy of Alice in Chains drummer Sean Kinney. Christ, you know what, just watch the video… it’s too insane to explain.
Spidey has never looked ‘better’.
Until tomorrow, do whatever a spider can and STAY BEAUTIFUL!”