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A couple of stories making the rounds today; first, if you have a small child, listen up; more than two million cribs are being recalled because, like seemingly EVERY crib, the part that lowers to more easily remove your kid, can become a potential suffocation hazard. Check here for the full recall list here; Speaking of warnings, this past Tuesday, the government’s new Family Smoking Prevention and Tobacco Control Act went into effect. What does that mean? Nothing, really, save for different words. Put it this way, if you’re a smoker, you may or may or may not have noticed that cigarettes are no longer sold ‘lights’ or ‘low’ or ‘mild’. Instead, they’ve been given ‘color’ names. For example, Camel Lights are now Camel Blues, etc, etc. The other change is that the Surgeon General’s warning has to now take up 59% of the packaging. Most people are already aware of the health related risks of smoking, but if the Feds feel better printing the warning bigger, so be it. When it comes to warnings, pretty much every product has one, but that doesn’t always mean that they cover ALL of the dangers of the product- not because the product itself is that dangerous, but because we, the human race, have a knack for doing really dumb things and discovering the hazards of not using a product for it’s intended use. With that in mind, today’s question: WHAT DID YOU DISCOVER THAT PROBABLY NEEDS A WARNING LABEL AND WHAT WOULD THE WARNING BE?
I really do feel like some things are just obvious. Everyone remembers the idiot lady who (somehow) successfully sued McDonald’s because she was unaware that hot coffee is served hot, spilled it in her lap and then made millions because the hot coffee was hot. That’s an obvious one, to everyone EXCEPT her, of course, but then there are things that aren’t so obvious that really should have a warning. The thing I have in mind is the Greyhound Bus. I utilized their services once (from Baltimore to New Orleans… and then back again) and I feel that the warning should be ‘you WILL sit in urine and you will have an unwanted conversation with a religious zealot’. That’s the kind of thing I’m talking about. That’s all I’ve got.
Let’s just get to it:
Ben Gay: keep out of your underwear
Peanut M&M’s: unlike regular M&M’s, peanut M&M’s may or may not exit your nasal passage
Dave’s Insanity Sauce (hot sauce): wash your hands AFTER using and BEFORE touching your junk… it’s not only hot in your mouth
Affliction T- shirts… will be confused for a douche waffle
Porn… it’s not based on reality; just because you deliver pizza doesn’t mean you’ll get laid, just because you’re a plumber doesn’t mean you’ll get laid, etc
Zippers: do NOT pull up if you’re not wearing underwear (amen, brother, discovered that the hard way)
Hot Wheel Cars: slippery when stepped on
Aftershave: do not place on your junk
It’s kind of difficult to explain how a warning label would work in this case, but the story explains itself: he was getting hot and heavy with his woman, grabbed the KY out of night stand, but it wasn’t KY, it was Purell. Purell burns… but his wife DID scream louder than she ever has during sex, so there’s that.
Sweet Tarts: do not snort
IFC Channel: warning, some of the movies we show our f**king weird
Penis: will make poor decisions on your behalf and yet YOU will be held accountable for all decisions
OK then, practice time. This is the final New Original practices before our show Sunday at El Corazon. Hopefully, you’ll come out and “enjoy” our show. It should be a good time. Anyway, come on out and enjoy. Gotta go.
Until tomorrow, do what you best and STAY BEAUTIFUL!”