Later today, we’ll be joined in- studio by light heavyweight UFC fighter, Tito Ortiz. That’s right, the “Huntington Beach Bad Boy” will be here to talk about his upcoming fight Saturday night with Lil’ Nog, Antonio Nogueira. More importantly, he just might punch Thee Ted Smith in his undefeated right shoulder. Now, we know Tito is a bad ass, but truth be told, not ONE of us is scared of the guy. Here’s why; we’re just interviewing the guy, not FIGHTING him. If we were fighting him, or owed him money, or accidentally grabbed his girl’s ass, we’d be peeing our pants. No doubt about it. Yea, yea, yea, we know, it’s not the manliest thing in the world to say you’re scared of someone, but some people are just plain scary. It could be the bully from high school, the homeless guy who you’re pretty sure is a ticking time- bomb or maybe, just maybe, it’s your neighbor who’s a little too quiet and digs just a few too many holes in the backyard at night… and fills them with lumpy trash bags. IN YOUR LIFETIME, WHO IS THE ONE PERSON YOU WOULD NEVER WANT TO MESS WITH?
His mother… former roller derby broad. She once put him through a wall
His Vietnam vet Marine father
Richard Simmons… he hugs too much and is way too sweaty foe anyone to be comfortable
His “small Hawaiian” dad… 5 foot, 6 inches and 175 pounds of 7th degree Kempo black belt action. I don’t even know what Kempo is, but I bet it hurts like a mother
Oprah Winfrey… too much power. She could snap her sweaty sausage fingers and make you disappear
His younger brother… been in 50 fights and is 50 – 0
Zach Galafanakis… convinced that the guy is psychotic
His ARMY vet uncle
Vin Diesel… if he gets you down, there’s no telling what he might do. Are you suggesting sodomy?
His father, who is both a boxer and ARMY vet
His friend… who happens to be a crack head
His old roommate… a 3rd degree black belt
His sister… described her as a “mean bitch”. Says it all
Suge Knight… not necessarily a bad ass, but he’ll have you killed “allegedly”
I won’t lie to you, I thought the guy would be a meat head or an idiot… he was neither. The guy is actually really bright and friendly. Then again, like I said at the top, we’re not here to fight the guy. Instead of telling you about it, enjoy this video.
Alright bitches, that’s a wrap.
Until tomorrow, punch Ted in the shoulder and STAY BEAUTIFUL!”