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The top secret recipe for Coca- Cola is kept locked in a steel vault in Atlanta and is guarded 24 hours a day. In fact, at any given time, only two Coke employees are even aware of the recipe. That’s all about to change now that the fine folks at www.thisamericanlife.org just published the ingredients to their “super- secret” ingredient, codenamed ‘Merchandise X’. We read this supposed “secret” recipe and to perfectly honest, it’s pretty anticlimactic. On the other hand, people have been trying to figure out what’s in KFC’s 11 original herbs and spices for years, and we may have just uncovered that ‘secret’ too. Colonel sanders isn’t the only fried chicken guru with a secret recipe; the incomparable Flava Flav (whose name Spell- check doesn’t recognize, booooyy!) has opened his OWN fried chicken restaurant in that hot- bed of soul food, Clinton, Iowa. Like the colonel, Flav has his own secret recipe that he believes “everyone will love”. Food isn’t the only world of secrets, of course. Iraqi defector Rafis Ahmed Alwanal- Janabi, better known by his codename, ‘Curveball’, just admitted that he made up stories of Iraq’s possession of biological weapons and enriched uranium. See, he didn’t like Sadam Hussein and Bush was itching for an excuse to invade, so he told the powers- that- be what they wanted to hear and the rest is history. In spite of 4,439 American soldiers killed, over 32,000 wounded and $748,000,000,000 (that’s 748 BILLION, bitches) spent SO FAR, ‘Curveball’ says he has no regrets. Just makes you warm and fuzzy inside, doesn’t it? This all leads to today’s question: WHAT SECRET DO YOU WISH YOU HADN’T FOUND OUT?
Wishes he’d never seen our pictures online… can’t blame him
Discovered the process of making gelatin and their life changed forever
Wishes that he never found out that his ex- girlfriend once had sex in a Wal- Mart bathroom
Discovered that the girl he had sex with is dating a 12th degree black belt… got an ass whipping
Digging through his mother’s closet to find weed (???) and came across her TRUNK full of sex toys and naked Polaroid's
His ‘late- bloomer’ friend gives way too many details about his sexual conquests
The “plot twist” in ‘The Village’ ruined the movie for him… and everyone else who saw the movie
Finding out that his ‘idols’ in baseball were hopped up on steroids… he was happily ignorant of their juicer ways
Found out that his father had ANOTHER kid outside of his marriage
Wished he hadn’t found out that his brother is a pedophile
Found out that certain “all white” chicken nuggets are actually lips, beaks and feet… but they taste delicious
His brother slept with his first “true love”
Made the awesome discovery that her mother slept with her ex boyfriend… if it makes you feel any better, your mother was FANTASTIC! I kid… she was awful
Her husband had sex with her younger sister… chivalry is dead? I think not
Found out his step- dad was bi- sexual… it would be no big deal, but he sets up liaisons in Thailand, Guadalajara, etc.
Discovered that his parents were swingers… after he caught his mother giving it to one his father’s “cool” friends
Doesn’t want to know that his sister- in- law is cheating
Found out his father was dealing cocaine… his father happened to be dealing to his girlfriend… his girlfriend paid for the coke with sex… AWKWARD
My favorite story of the day was the guy who discovered that his mother had a porn career in the 60’s. It’s not that she told him about it, he discovered a video tape of her when he was 11. His best friend’s father owned it. It should be pointed out that his best friend’s father is very close to his mother… and likes to see her naked… while his penis is in his hand. Just sayin’.
SIT AND SPIN
Jolene came in today for another rousing edition of Sit and Spin. Instead of going through a list or counting down the top 10 this, that or the other, Jolene brought in a collection of crap that has been sitting on her desk. As the KISW music director, Jolene has the “honor” of receiving all the new music that comes our way. It’s not always awesome and today was an example.
OK bitches, it’s trivia night, so I’ve gotta run and convince people that I’m not a complete idiot.
Until tomorrow, don’t stand under a tree in a lightning storm and STAY BEAUTIFUL!”