SHOW # 2279 NOVEMBER 23 2015

"Hola bitches,
Happy Monday to you. One of the stories that caught our attention over the weekend involves (who else) Donald Trump. Uncharacteristically, this story had nothing to do with anything the moron said, it was the fact that he cut in line at an Adele concert. Again, we weren't stunned that he cut in line... it's TRUMP... that's the kind of thing he would do.
No, what surprised us was that he's an Adele fan. That's not a slight on Adele... she's talented... it's just that we're shocked that TRUMP recognizes that. The idea that Trump even enjoys MUSIC just seems kinda odd.
Barring deafness, everyone enjoys music in some form, right? Still shocked that Trump does too. He strikes me as the kind of guy who doesn't enjoy anything beyond the sound of his own, grating voice.
Enough about the Donald. I was just shocked that he likes Adele.
We had a 63- year- old guy named Hilstead (it's Norwegian) and he has a hunchback that makes him "walk like a gorilla". He's also never been able to straighten his arms. As a result, this dude has never been with a woman. Ever. We're not sure what he looks like beyond his own description, but we feel compelled to help this guy. We don't know HOW we can do this, but damn. Any ideas? Maybe hit up Dennis Hoff at the Bunny ranch?
I'll let you know what we decide to do but we wanna help Hilstead out.
I'm outta here, bitches.
Until tomorrow, perry, perry, thrust and STAY BEAUTIFUL!"
 (0) Comments


SHOW # 2276 NOVEMBER 18 2015

A woman took her 9- year- old daughter to the Tennessee Titans/ Carolina Panthers game this past Sunday and left angry. Not because her team lost... although her team lost... but because of Panthers quarterback Cam Newton's touchdown dance celebration. You see, Cam had the guile to add "pelvic thrusts" to the routine and the mother freaked. She didn't want her daughter to witness such depravity. First it was Elvis with the hips, now it's Cam doing the dab. They both pissed off a parent. Today we wanted to know: WHAT DID YOU SEE AS A KID THAT YOU WEREN'T SUPPOSED TO?
Innocent enough. Then we got emails like this:
"I was run over by a car when I was six. The girl who hit me had just gotten her permit that day.
She slammed into the tree I was sitting against. This was back in 1977 And she was driving a 64 Buick four-door.
As I lay in the back of the ambulance On a stretcher Her and her parents were sitting on a bench at the back of the ambulance. She had a rag up against her face with a lot of blood on it. When she pulled the rag away I got a profile view of her face ‎. The thin hard steering wheel of the Buick ripped her nose off and she looked like Skelletor.
I should have never witnessed that at that age." Yikes.
And then another...
"While riding my bike when I was about 9 or 10, I saw 2 police cars flip their lights on about a half block away. Being curious, I rushed over to see what the lights were about. I wish I hadn't. As the front of a pickup emerged from the trunk of the cop car in my sight as I neared the cop cars, I saw a gruesome sight. It was a headless neck and shoulders slumped over the steering wheel. I could only see well through a small part of the windshield and somewhat through the window because the whole cab was covered in what was this person's head and whatever was inside. The police quickly shooed me off. I could tell one of the cops was upset that they somehow let me see what was a terrible suicide. I suppressed that memory for 30 years. "
We also had a guy who saw a video of his mom sucking his step-dad's d*ck and a woman who walked in on her mom having sex... it was a THREESOME. Giggity! In its own way, today's show was equal parts traumatic and hilarious.
OK, I'm gonna go smoke.
Until tomorrow, can you smell it? STAY BEAUTIFUL!"
 (1) Comments
Tags :  
Social :
People : Cam


SHOW # 2275 NOVEMBER 17 2015

One of life's more irritating things is not realizing that you have the 'caps lock' on until you're a few sentences deep. Yep.
Then I made the mistake of Googling 'thrush'. Don't do it... I'll do it for you.
Then the phones went down. They just didn't work. We had a guy (Brian?) on the line, but we couldn't talk to him. It was like the line was dead. However, our phone screener, Mike Hawk, could still talk to him. What did we decide to do? Simple; we had Mike talk to Brian, and then tell us what he was saying. In return, we'd have Mike ask Brian our questions and then, again, we'd wait.
Wasn't the smoothest operation, but it worked out. In the end, we found out that Brian's friend gave him a Guinea pig. The Guinea pig wouldn't stop squeaking... because, I guess, Guinea pigs squeak. Three days later, Brian took in a stray dog. A few days later, the dog ate the Guinea pig. Not long after that, the dog ran away from home. That dog was then killed by the neighbor's dog. Cue Elton John, it's the circle of life.
Ok bitches, I'm outta here.
Until tomorrow, fire walk and STAY BEAUTIFUL!"
 (0) Comments
Tags :  
Topics : Human Interest
People : Mike Hawk


SHOW # 2274 NOVEMBER 16 2015

Happy Monday, bitches. Today was the day we did our Random Question Question. We ask each caller a random question based on a different story.
The one story that really caught our attention in particular comes out of Florida. I know. It's not like we do it on purpose. We don't actively look for ridiculous sh*t from Florida, it's that Florida has a, seemingly, endless river of ridiculous sh*t that constantly spills over. Florida is like a test- kitchen of idiocy. Bless its little socks.
Anyway, a 9- year- old in fourth grade had a crush on a girl in his class. Happened to all of us. Well, he manned up and wrote the girl a note that consisted of a hand- drawn heart with the word "I like you" written in the center. He then kicked some 4th- grader game with, "I like your eyes because they sparkle like diamonds." Weak line, but what can you do?
The girl wasn't interested. Crushing blow for sure. That NEVER feels good... but before he had time to feel sorry for himself, other students found out and started making fun of him. Real bad day. Kicked when he's down, but the day wasn't done punishing him yet.
The school principal hears the other kids harassing him for his failed overtures and calls the kid to his office. It's there that the principal informed him that if he EVER wrote another unsolicited 'love' note, they would file SEXUAL HARASSMENT charges against him.
You remember that this is a 9- year- old 4th- grader?
Come on, bitches... we're better than this, right? We can't really be that puritanical can we? I thought we DIDN'T like people who did this sort of thing.
Anyway, that was the main story that got our gears turning.
I'm outta here. Until tomorrow, take a big, big whiff and STAY BEAUTIFUL!"
 (0) Comments
Tags :  
Locations : Florida


SHOW # 2271 NOVEMBER 11 2015

Sex is a wonderful thing. Hell, it keeps the human race going on many levels; it literally creates us, makes us happy, motivates us, leads to some stupid decisions and is a pursuit pretty much all the time... whether you know it or not. It's what makes most Hollywood celebs celebs; YOU probably won't have sex with them, but you want to. That's why they hire the good looking ones. There's a reason that 'sex tapes' launch careers more than, say, talent.
Porn is the biggest money maker in the entertainment industry, prostitution is the "oldest" profession and sex makes people. Sex is great... unless something goes horribly wrong. Case- in- point, a couple in Philly were trading "the good sweat" in the back of their car when someone opened the door, pulled out a gun and put NINE bullets in their heads. They were executed WHILE having sex. Ain't that some sh*t?!?
Here's some answers from our fellow humans:
Ripped his penis. That's f**king HORRIFYING! He pointed out that's the moment he learned the value of foreplay
She was getting down to the 'dirty business' with her man when 3 RACCOON walked in. Hey boyfriend managed to chase them out with a hatchet... because they had a hatchet handy. Giggity.
His girlfriend passed out. He says it was from the heat, we say he's just really bad in the sack.
Discovered that he was in the process of passing a kidney stone while getting busy. He pulled out and drove himself to the hospital.
His girlfriend was 'of larger carriage' and got on top of him... his d*ck got BENT IN HALF!!! I'm uncomfortable just writing that.
Her boyfriend's piercing popped out went INTO his pee hole! She added that she'd never seen a man cry like that. Yea, I bet you haven't!
Brought a woman back to his place after meeting at the bar. They get busy on the couch when SWAT, along with federal authorities kick open the door. Good news was that they were looking for the guy who lived downstairs from him. Bad news is that f**king SWAT kicked down your door while you're having sex!
Girl started crying BEFORE they had sex, saying, "you remind me of my ex- boyfriend!". That's a buzzkill if ever there's a buzz kill
Actually, every story we heard today was kind of a buzz kill! Broken d*cks, raccoon's... none of those things get my motor running. Gotta look at some porn later.
I'm outta here, bitches.
Until tomorrow, touch it but not too tightly and STAY BEAUTIFUL!"
 (0) Comments
Tags :  
Topics : Human Interest


SHOW # 2269 NOVEMBER 9 2015

"Hola bitches,
Ever had one of those days where you wake up and you're ALREADY pissed... but for absolutely no reason? Having one of those days. Not a single reason why I should be in a bad mood, but here I am, in a perfectly bad mood and I have no good reason why. For whatever reason, I find that much more frustrating. At least if you KNOW why you're grumpy, you, well, you know why.
But enough about me.
Today was the Random Question Question. Last week we pretty much nailed every question, as in, whatever we asked, the person on the line had a definitive story. We could have asked, "ever date a one- legged Chinese woman who collected pickle jars?" Last week the answer would have been, "actually, yes. Funny you should ask!"
This week was a little more hit- and- miss... which is entertaining in its own way. However, today we asked questions as simple as "ever hurt yourself drunk?" Answer, "no". Guy drank plenty but found a way to avoid ever doing himself harm. I find that very alien. I have wrought much damage when me and booze team up. Admittedly, I am self- destruction with a hat on, but I'm not nearly alone with the drink- related injuries. Everyone on this show has multiple stories of injury because of alcohol. Hell, everyone I KNOW has similar stories. Everyone. But not this guy! WTF?
There were a few more plain questions that, inexplicably, didn't apply to the callers. Kinda weird.
OK... now I feel better.
I'm outta here.
Until tomorrow, smoke 'em if you got 'em and STAY BEAUTIFUL!"
 (0) Comments


SHOW # 2268 NOVEMBER 6 2015

Happy Friday Bitches!
Today were talking 'inspiration'... your own personal version of it. This question was, well, inspired, by a few different videos of former Ravens linebacker Ray Lewis giving 'speeches'. He, himself, is very inspired by his own words, but it seems that he seldom makes any sense. His passion is palpable but no one knows what the hell he's talking about.
Ben put it best when he said that if you listen to Ray the way a dog listens to its owner, it kinda makes more sense. In other words, if you just listen to the cadence of his voice, you have an idea of what he's talking about; if you actually listen to his words, you get lost.
I'm not sure how the conversation got to this place, but at some point we were talking about the idea of trying dog (as a food) if you were in a place that, culturally, it was acceptable; Korea, Vietnam, whatever. Ted and I agreed that we'd try it (which a bunch of people misconstrued as us hating dogs... of course).
Then we wondered if you would be willing to try human if you were in some place where cannibalism is the thing. Again, Ted and I agreed that we'd give it a whirl. Not without hesitation, of course, but we'd give it a try. I wonder if it's like a fancy restaurant with a lobster tank; you hand pick the one you want and the chef prepares it for you. I have so many questions.
I'll leave you with that... because that's the kind of guy I am.
Have a fine weekend, bitches.
Until Monday, do what you do best and STAY BEAUTIFUL!"
 (0) Comments
Tags :  
Topics : Hospitality_RecreationHuman Interest
Social :
People : Ray Lewis


SHOW # 2264 NOVEMBER 2 2015

Today is Monday. Monday is the day we do our Random Question Question. You call us, we ask you a random question and then get into a discussion about the story that inspired the question in the first place. I know what you're thinking, "pure genius!".
However, the thing that stuck with me today was a quick discussion we had about Vegemite... that Aussie "treat" that is a spread made of fermented yeast. The thing about it is that it taste like, well, fermented yeast.
Anyway, me and Mike Hawk have both had the misfortune of having tried Vegemite but the other guys haven't... and since misery loves company, I want them to try it too. Then I thought better of it because I don't hate them.
However, I got an email from a guy named Jax; he's an Aussie living here in the states and he insists that I try Vegemite on Saltines with butter. Says I can't knock Vegemite until I try that combination. Get the feeling it's gonna suck anyway. But I'll try it. Think I'll bring it in tomorrow and have us all try it. Already not looking forward to it.
Until tomorrow, smoke 'em if you got 'em and STAY BEAUTIFUL!"
 (0) Comments


SHOW # 2263 OCTOBER 30 2015

A kid in Hawaii was bitten by a shark earlier this week, making him the 7th shark- bite victim off the coast of Hawaii this year.  That's just Hawaii.  Shark attacks are also on the rise off the coast of South Africa.  What's the reason?  My aasumption is that we, as human beings, are decidedly more tasty this year.  Congrats.   Case- in- point, a guy in Australia was in his boat fishing when a 15- foot, 7- inch crocodile jumped out of the water, wrapped it's sexy jaws around the guys shoulder and chest, snatched him out of the boat and disappeared back into the river... no blood, no screams, no trace.   Sharks and crocodiles are badass and all, but even fleas are bringing the pain.  A girl in Portland, Oregon was bitten by a flea... and got THE PLAGUE! The f**king plague, bitches!
Some of the answers we heard today;
She was bitten by her neighbor.   Drunk woman walked into the house uninvited, was asked to leave... when that didn't work, a small tussle ensued and the caller was bitten on the thigh THROUGH her sweat pants.   Happened 6 weeks ago and still has a scar
Was in Australia and was bitten by a wombat (that's not his story, just wanted to share a picture of the thing)
In several different interactions with several different Rottweillers he has had his left man-boob ripped off, his nose 'pierced', and two of his fingers bitten OFF.  He also had his testicles bitten by a ferret... and was bitten by a rattlesnake in Texas. 
Guy had to get stitches on his eyelid after his cat attacked him
Attacked by her neighbor's Great Dane when she was 12
 Jack Daniels bit him last week on his 21st birthday
My favorite story of the day was the guy who was bitten by a HOOKER when he worked as a security guard at a grocery store.  He and his partner spotted a hooker stealing fried chicken and a pregnancy test (yep) so they detained her in the office.  When they said they were gonna call the cops, she freaked out, grabbed a quart of paint and bashed the other security guard over the head.  Then she ran for the door, but our caller dutifully blocked her path.  For his efforts he was rewarded with a blows from a Mag- Lite.  He grabbed her wrists and then she bit him on the arm.  Good times.  And very classy. 
OK bitches, it's time to start the weekend.. the Halloween weekend.  I have a three year old batman and a five year old 'rainbow unicorn' (WTF is a rainbow unicorn???) waiting for me at home.  And then tomorrow night at the Hard Rock Café, the New Originals (including myself, Thee Ted Smith, Ryan Castle and some ACTUAL musicians) will be taking the stage at 9.  I'm looking forward to it.  Should be a very good night.  Not saying WE will be any good, but we'll have fun.  Hopefully you will join us!
Have a good weekend, bitches!
Until Monday, do what you do best and STAY BEAUTIFUL!"
 (0) Comments
Tags :  
Social :
Locations : HawaiiOregonPortlandTexas
People : Jack DanielsTed Smith


SHOW # 2261 October 28 2015

A $2.7 BILLION dollar unmanned military blimp in Maryland became untethered earlier today and drifted away, floating across three states before crashing in New Jersey... but not before knocking out power to 20,000 people.   Someone is in a LOT of trouble for that.   The military had to scramble two jets to monitor the thing.
Meanwhile, in Rochester, NY, the local FOX affiliate (WUHF) was broadcasting Game One of the World Series (like all FOX affiliates) and in the 14th inning of a tie game, they switched to the local news!!!  They managed to get back to the game, but not before pissing off a lot of people. 
Mistakes happen, but if it happens on your watch, thins get awkward.  That's what we wanted to talk about today:  WHAT THING HAPPENED ON YOUR WATCH?
Guy was a shuttle driver.  There were no seatbelts on the back of the van.  He had to slam on the breaks and a 10- year- old kid flew from the back to the front.  It wasn't cool.
Drove a box truck through a low tunnel.  All went well until he hit a speed bump (in the middle of the f**king tunnel!!!) which lifted the truck.  Ripped a sprinkler head off the ceiling, which set off the fire alarm and flooded the tunnel.  The best part is, he had to drive the truck back through the same tunnel and managed to rip down ANOTHER sprinkler head, re- flooding the tunnel.  Got suspended for a week.
Made pot brownies... WHILE BABYSITTING... you already know the rest of the story.
He was the supervisor for a distributor.  Got a call that one of his drivers fell out of the back of a truck and sh*t himself.  In an effort to "clean up", he headed to the restroom of the business he was delivering to.  Thing is, he left a trail of poop across the floor and into the bathroom.  There was also poop on the door handles, the wall AND the soap dispenser!  How does that happen?!?  The SOAP DISPENSER?!?
 OK, it's the day of our second and final New Originals practice before our Halloween show at the Hard Rock Café this Saturday.  I don't know what you have planned for Halloween, but you should bring your ass to the show!  How bad could we possibly be?  Come find out for yourself.   Hell, Ted is singing 2 songs and I am (very begrudgingly) singing one... but don't let that stop you from joining us.  Anyway, ready to practice (meaning 'drink' with an instrument in my hand).
I will be feeling awful tomorrow.
Until tomorrow, rock on and STAY BEAUTIFUL!"
 (0) Comments
Tags :  
Social :
Locations : MarylandNew JerseyNew YorkRochester


Recent Blog Posts