Thee Ted Smith


SHOW # 1683 MARCH 21 2013

Last weekend, an elderly man was using a public bathroom at a lake in Georgia (instead of just using the lake?!?) and, for whatever reason, he chose to stand on top of it while using it.  Then he fell IN.  The toilet led to a pit in the ground and that pit was filled with human poop.  He was eventually rescued and pulled from the poo- pit, but not before he'd marinated in other people's brown business for 70 minutes.  Anyone remember former WWE wrestler Chris "The Masterpiece" Masters?  Me neither, but last night he was called to his mother's house in Los Angeles after she was being held by a crazy neighbor who'd barricaded himself inside with her and set the house on fire. What did Chris do?  Well sure, he called the cops, but before they got to the scene, he ripped a tree OUT OF THE GROUND and threw it through a window to pull his mother to safety.  He saved her life.  Speaking of saving lives, the folks at have provided us with a list of 5 ways a condom could save your life... if you're lost in the wilderness.  Maybe you already know, but if you're like me, you didn't.  So, maybe you've been rescued from a giant pile of sh*t, maybe your child ripped a tree out of the ground to help you out or maybe your failure to get laid benefitted you by you having a spare condom after you wandered off into the woods.  It could happen.  Today's question:  WHO OR WHAT SAVED YOUR ASS?
Fell off a 3- story roof (because he was drunk and trying to avoid being hit by a bottle rocket) but as luck would have it, he landed on plastic recycling cans
Head- on crash on HWY 2, flipped the car a few times and ended up resting on a jersey barrier... on an overpass
Was choking on a pepperoni grinder at home alone... gave himself a pseudo- Heimlich maneuver with a wooden chair
His new cat was acting all crazy... turns out the place below him was on fire... and his cat had a problem with the idea of burning to death.  Good kitty. 
As a small child in Alaska, someone tried to kidnap him, but the would- be- kidnapper was stopped by 2 sumo wrestlers.  If I had a dollar for every time I've heard that story, I would have a dollar. 
His long hair... a guy fired a pistol at his head.  No bullets hit his head, but 3 of them cut a hole through his hair
Crashed a dirt bike and fell into a blackberry bush... which seemed kinda bad, until he realized that the black berry bush prevented him from falling over a cliff
A rock... was in Afghanistan and started running toward some buddies pinned down in a fire fight.  Tripped over a rock and went face-down to the ground.  When he looked up, bullets were flying directly over the place he'd been running
Total strangers saved his life... back in 19- and- 91, he lost his kidneys to diabetes (or as Wilford Brimmley would say- "dia- beetiss').  That same year, a family lost a loved one and he got that persons kidneys that not only saved his life, but kept him alive to this very day
About 20 years ago, he was a 'green' on a crab boat (The Wizard, incidentally) and got his leg caught in the rope of a crab pot.  He almost went over the edge of the boat, but was saved by a dude... and then punched in the face by that same dude for not being careful
OK, I've been holding a pee for a long, long, long time and it's starting to get a little dicey in pants. 
Until tomorrow, touch my stuff and STAY BEAUTIFUL!"

Tags :  
Locations : AlaskaGeorgiaLos Angeles
People : Chris

03/21/2013 5:30PM
SHOW # 1683 MARCH 21 2013
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