SHOW # 967 January 2010

“Hola cupidolas,

A big deal has been made that a Republican has won a Senate seat in the historically Democrat- heavy state of Massachusetts.  Personally, we don’t care very much about that kind of thing (as it’s Dumb vs. Dumber) but what we did find interesting was that the guy who won, Scott Brown, decided that during his acceptance speech, he’d let everyone know that his two daughters were “available”.  When Scott realized that his 19 year old daughter’s boyfriend was ON THE STAGE with him, he quickly corrected himself, saying that only his 21 year old daughter was available.  Yea, the next day, she had over 1500 “friend” requests and 300 inbox messages from men looking to visit her mossy cottage.  Good going, Scott, your daughter is now being stalked.  Usually, if a parent is going to whore out one of their kids (and I don’t mean in the Kate Gossling kind of way) it’s a mother trying to set up her nerdy and socially awkward son, but whatever.  Look, we know family is family and you love them in spite of themselves, but be honest; as much as you want them to be happy and find that ‘special’ someone, you know that the odds of that fat, lazy, drunken, ugly bastard being with someone are slim at best… and even though you love them, you don’t hate anyone else enough to wish them a life with that particular family member.  That’s the crux of today’s question:  AS FAR AS FAMILY MEMBERS GO, NO ONE SHOULD HAVE TO DEAL WITH THE PAIN OF DATING MY _____________.

Miles says it all the time and it’s true; I have a painfully normal and non- dramatic family.  Everyone except me is pretty decent, upstanding person… although, there is the one drunk uncle.  But hell, even he is married AND an adoptive father.  Go figure.  If HE can get the OK to adopt a kid, I’ve gotta believe that everyone and anyone else in my family can’t be that bad.  Actually, check that… I have a degenerate cousin who I wouldn’t wish on anyone.  Long story short, he’s a f**king idiot.

But I’m not alone; seems that a lot of you have a select number of family members who you wouldn’t wish on your worst enemy.  Here’s a sample;

His junkie brother… the guy is a crack head and happens to have herpes… we know he has herpes because he gave the pregnant woman he was dating herpes

Her grandfather… like the main character in “A Beautiful Mind”, her grandfather was a genius who succumbed to paranoid schizophrenia.  Why is it that only smart people get afflicted with those types of diseases but idiots stay stupid forever?

Her 46 year old mother… apparently she’s a hottie, but she’s also a superficial man- eater… or as we like to call her, a woman

Her mother- in- law… she was described as a ‘fake vegetarian type’  (???)

His four- toothed cousin who lives in a trailer park in Louisiana… sounds like a winner to me

No one should date his sister… she’s described as “hairy everywhere”, she has a kid but refuses to get a job and she gets engaged about once in a month

This guy described his sister as a liar and a thief… but I’m not sure what the problem is

Doesn’t believe that anyone should sustain the misery of dating his brother, who is 47 years old and going through a mid- life crisis.  We can forgive the guy for that, but all you need to know is that this guy calls himself “Man- candy”.  ‘Nuff said.

His former step- mother, even though he refused to call her his step mother.  According him, she’s 4 feet 9 inches tall AND wide, hadn’t worked in 15 years (and refused to get one) and just sits on the sofa drinking beer… basically, this woman has the life we’d all enjoy

His father… he’s on wife number 6… yea, I’m sure she’s the one.  Why would you marry a SIXTH time?

It was ‘refreshing’ to hear what people think of their families.  Much like yesterday, I felt a hell of a lot better about my own family situation.  I think a lot of people got that same affirmation.

OK, I’ve got a f**king tooth ache, so I’m gonna role, bitches.

Until tomorrow, She’s knocking me out with those American thighs, so STAY BEAUTIFUL!”

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01/21/2010 2:40PM
SHOW # 967 January 2010
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