The big news today is the Facebook IPO (initial public offering). A whole bunch of early investors made whole bunch of $$$... we're talking BILLIONS of dollars. Needless to say, these people are very happy... very, very happy. We'd argue that the day you become a billionaire is the happiest day of your life. Founder and CEO Mark Zuckerberg will probably tell you that today is the happiest day of his life, but I'm saying that it's not true. Sure, he's made a ridiculous amount of money, but he didn't wanna take Facebook public in the first place. He was LEGALLY required to do so, and he's not particularly pleased with that. Obviously, no one is cry him a river, but unlike his investors, today is not the happiest day of his life... but he'll say it is. Sometimes you're obligated to say certain days were the 'happiest day' of your life because everyone expects you to. When you get married, you're supposed to say that that was the happiest day of your life, then when you have a kid, you have to say that THAT was the happiest day of your life. In my case, both of those days were happy, but I can say with certainty that THE happiest day of my life was the day I got my divorce official from my first wife. I can't put into words how f**king awesome it was and still is. Ahhhh... sorry, just soaking it in. Anyway, here's today's question: WHAT WAS ACTUALLY THE BEST DAY OF YOUR LIFE AND WHAT DAY ARE YOU OBLIGATED TO SAY WAS THE BEST DAY OF YOUR LIFE?
Here are some of today's answers:
Says it's family time/ truth: when he has the house to himself
Says it's the day his daughter was born/ truth: the day he found a quarter POUND of weed on the sidewalk
Says it was the day her son was born/ truth: the day she sent her ex back to his parents... ON A GREYHOUND
Says it's the day he met his current girlfriend, is preparing to say that it'll be the day her father gives him permission, ultimately prepared to lie and say it'll be the day they get married/ truth: day he divorced his ex
Says it's the day his daughter was born/ truth: day he divorced his ex
Says it was the day his grandson was born/ truth: day he discovered masturbation. Strong. It's one of the few skills I learned and continue to use to this
Says it was her wedding day/ truth: the day her "a**hole, abusive boss" was fired after 9 years
Says it was the day(s) his children were born/ truth: the night he had a 3- way with 2 strippers
See a pattern? Here's the thing; those people with children shouldn't feel guilty about it because if we learned nothing else, we learned that OUR parents had better days than birthing us too!
OK bitches, the weekend is here!
Until Monday, do what you do best and STAY BEAUTIFUL!"
'Stand up straight', 'speak clearly', 'keep your reputation clean'... according to European researchers, those three pieces of advice, generally passed down by your mother, are the three main life lessons that, if followed into adulthood, will ALSO get you dates... which we know better as 'nookie'. In other words, of all the things your mother told you (and if she's like most women, she said A LOT) those three things, in particular, were the most timeless and relevant. Thing is, pretty much everyone got that advice. Hell, even your teachers, friend's parents and perfect strangers told you the same thing. With Mother's Day coming up on Sunday, we're all supposed to remember all the great things our mothers' have done for us... and that's fine, but let's be honest, you take the good with the bad. So, while you buy her some sappy card showering her with all the 'thank you's' and 'love you's' that you buy her EVERY year, we asked to you come clean today and answer today's question: WHAT IS THE BEST OR WORST ADVICE YOUR MOTHER EVER GAVE YOU?
Away we go:
Marry the girl you got pregnant... now he's divorced, lost half his crap AND paying child support, instead of JUST paying child support
Don't drink... he didn't listen and spent 7 years in jail after a particularly rowdy alcohol- fueled evening
Accept every job offer after college and then pick the one you want... became career suicide when word got out that he committed to about 12 different jobs and let 11 of them down
While he was living in a half- way house, his mother got him drunk, resulting in him spending the rest of his probation behind bars
Just last year his mother came to visit him on Mother's Day... he had an ear infection, and even though he's an adult, mom was there to take care of him and broke out an old- school remedy; a fifth of brandy and garlic in his ear... the result was a terrible hangover and an infected ear that reeked of garlic for 3 weeks
Best advice: never get married/ worst advice: if you ever have to choose between your man and your kids, pick your man because your kids won't always be there (???)
Worst advice: don't have pre- marital sex
When he was 15, his mother encouraged him to throw eggs to blow off some steam... one went over a fence and hit a cop car. Things didn't end well
Best advice; don't drink, smoke weed instead
Don't try any drug that requires needles
And finally, worst advice: plead innocent and represent yourself/ best advice: don't ask her for legal advice
OK bitches, have yourselves a wonderful weekend.
Until Monday, do what you do best and STAY BEAUTIFUL!"
So, the social media is all abuzz about the Time Magazine cover featuring some broad breast- feeding her kid. The thing is, the kid is three years old, so the cover looks more pedophilic than maternal, but then, that's kinda what the bruhaha is all about; 'how old is too old to breast- feed', blah, blah, blah. We don't really care. What bothers us is that while the mother is proud to be the cover- girl on a national magazine, that poor kid is gonna be ridiculed for the rest of his life. Count on it. Trust me, you don't wanna be the kid suckling his mama on a magazine cover... not at 3- years- old or older. Similarly, Alicia Silverstone's kid has a lifetime of ridicule awaiting him fo sho, as he will forever be known as the kid whose mother chewed his food FOR him and then spit it in his mouth. It's not that these mothers have done anything terrible, it's that the rest of the world found out about it. Look, maybe you were scared of the dark until you were 15 or you peed the bed until you were 12... if no one knows, no problem, but when people find out, it's gonna suck for you. Maybe you were the kid who wore homemade clothes to school, maybe you were home- schooled, maybe you went through the foster system or maybe, just maybe YOU were the kid who was breast- fed late into your childhood: WHAT ABOUT YOUR CHILDHOOD WAS A LITTLE DIFFERENT THAN MOST?
Went to 9 different schools
His parents were stoners and smoked in front of him all the time
Went to the hospital for and came out "crazy"
His parents were the only ones who were divorced... that's insane... I'm the only person I know whose parents are still together. Difference is, he's from Egypt (do NOT ask him about the Pyramids) where divorce is a lot less prevalent
Didn't learn to wipe properly until he was NINE! To be fair, I just had a bad looking pair of underwear the other day. Looked like a monster truck competition took place in my pants
MONO NICK
So we're pushing for Mono Nick from the BJ Morning Experience get the opening slot for his upcoming comedy riot. Why? Well, Nick wants to, BJ doesn't like the idea and we find that kind of thing funny, so we're instigating. Anyway, Nick came by and dropped a few of his jokes on us and I have to admit, it was funnier than I thought. He's kinda like Steven Wright... drier than desert sands, all one- liners but surprisingly funny. We don't know if this will earn him the slot, but we're hoping so.
DRONES
A police officer by the name of James Britt came by today to tell us about the SPD's upcoming launch of Unmanned Aerial Vehicles... which we know as DRONES! Straight up told him that we believe the things will eventually be used for the wrong reasons (still believe that) but I believed HIM that he won't be one of those people. Either way, the little drone thing was really f**king cool. He brought it in and fired it up for us. We'll be talking to him again (and no, not from the back of a patrol car) as he agreed to be a contact for us when we have questions of legality. Cool guy and I'm always happy to make friends with a cop because, well, you know.
Alright bitches, I'm out.
Until tomorrow, pass it to the left and STAY BEAUTIFUL!"
I apologize for the visual I'm about to share with you, but here's the story: Nadya Suleman, better known as the "Octomom", finally succumbed to the financial reality of having 14 kids. You may remember back when she first surfaced in the national consciousness when she added 8 more mouths to feed to her pre- existing collection of 6, she made it clear that she would NOT do porn to earn money. She'd been offered A MILLION DOLLARS to star in a porn, but turned it down. Fast forward to 2012; she has no job and no sugar- daddy, yet still has the lives of 14 children to ruin, so she has, in fact, just finished shooting her first (of many, I'm sure) porn's. Per her request (and to the relief of porn actors everywhere) she insisted that she appear in the movie alone, so it's just her self- pleasuring. Chances are, there will be more where that came from because the Octomom says she "loved" it. According to her, thanks to the crew and 'actress' Jessica Drake in particular, her eyes were opened to a whole new world of masturbation. Yea... thanks Jessica... just what the world needed. Actually, it kinda IS what the world needs. It's one thing to lose your virginity, but there's somebody or some THING that really taught you what YOU like when it comes to sex. There's a reason why 40- year- old women are better in bed than 21- year- olds. Just sayin'. Anyway, whether it was hooker, that one girl, Penthouse Forum or something you saw online, we wanted to know: WHO OR WHAT INTRODUCED YOU TO WHAT YOU LIKE MOST ABOUT SEX?
Loves women in lingerie... discovered this self- truth via a Frederick's of Hollywood catalog
His high school girlfriend used to love having "lots" of people in the room when they had sex... not sure I'd love that now, but back in the day when getting laid was like finding Bigfoot, I wouldn't care if a gaggle of nuns watched
Been hooking up with a nympho since January and discovered that he enjoys quantity... says he's had more sex in the last 4 months than he did in the 7 years he was with his ex... he also adds that the downside to constant sex is the chafing. I play a violin for thee
His first girlfriend turned him onto pretty much everything... kinda cool, but you've gotta think that if that's true, he'll never find another like her
A one- night- stand turned her on to her foot fetish
She discovered that she likes being bitten, specifically on the wrists and neck... thing is, it wasn't about sex at the time, her boyfriend was just messing around but when he bit her, she had a tingle in all the right places
When he was 18 he worked as a dishwasher and got laid by a - year- old woman... discovered that he likes older women and hasn't looked back
She discovered that she likes being spanked
The TV show 'Divorce Court' got her into role- playing... not connecting the dots on this one, but whatever works for you
OK bitches, time for me to roll.
Tomorrow Mono Nick from the BJ Shea Morning Experience dropping by to test some jokes that he's written in hope of opening the BJ Shea Comedy Riot, and we'll talk to a police officer named James Britt from the SPD who will show us one of the new drones they'll be using to extend Big Brother's reach.
Until tomorrow, love 'em, leave 'em and STAY BEAUTIFUL!"
So www.pajiba.com, which I'd never heard of until just today, has an article titled "The 5 Dudes With Whom It's Most Acceptable for Furiously Straight Men to Have a Man- Crush On". They're not talking about the kind of crush that drives you to open your pants and fondle yourself, we're talking about the standard man- crush. For example, after watching a Jason Statham movie where he roundhouse- kicks 18 dudes in the face, shoots 7 more in the neck and then rips someone's throat outta their neck, you say, "yea, that's my man!" Or maybe you see saggy, droop, old Hugh Hefner with two vapid hotties on each arm and you can't help but say, "my man". We're talking about that kind of man- crush. Neither of those guys made the list from pajiba, but then, neither did John Travolta. Why do I single out Travolta? Well, according to a lawsuit, Travolta hired a masseuse and, at some point (allegedly) offered a "reverse massage" (I think we know that's about), admitted that he got his big break in Hollywood by performing sexual favors for "old Jewish men" (???) and then kicked things up a notch by touching the guy's b*lls and the shaft of his Johnson. Grease IS the word! Anyway, we don't know if the accusations are true (but we're gonna pretend that they are) but they don't help the rumors that Mr. Bobberino just might like the men more than the ladies. We don't care one way or another, but it's fun to speculate. That being said, whether you know it or not, there's been speculation about your sexuality too. That's what we wanted to hear about today: WHAT WAS YOUR BRUSH WITH GAYNESS?
His mother put him in ballet when he was 4 years old... he (begrudgingly) stayed in ballet until he was a sophomore in high school. In his freshman year he did ballet AND was a cheerleader. Then he joined the Marines
Had sex with a girl in his teens to convince HIMSELF that he wasn't gay... he's plenty gay. Funny how that works; I never had a sex with a guy to make sure I'm hetero
All the gay guys in prison would hit on him, including the guy who had AIDS and offered to take care of him when they finished serving their time. He says a lot of guys hit on him and couldn't understand why. Incidentally, at the end of his email, he welcomed us back (thank you) and mentioned that our voices "soothe" him. Um...
His best friend once told him, "dude, be thankful that you're not a woman or that I'm not gay 'cause I would be all over your ass!" Awkward
Got coked up (everyone's excuse) and went to a peep show... there was a glory hole... don't know if he took "advantage" of it or not
Went to the Ms, Mr. and Mrs. Gay Washington pageant recently in Fife
His brush with gayness was when he was 8- years- old... his buddy convinced him that if he acted like a girl it would be OK if they kissed. Afterwards, he didn't find it so OK
A friend of 4 years started putting the moves on him after a UW football game
SIT AND SPIN
Today we covered The Top 10 Edible Bands or the 10 Best Bands You Can Eat... whatever you want to call it. Anyway, just check out the link:
OK bitches, it's trivia night, the night where I convince people that I'm really smart. It's not true. I just have the questions AND the answers! HA!
I'm outta here. Glad to be back!
Until tomorrow, put up your dukes and STAY BEAUTIFUL!"
This probably won't come as much of a shock... especially here in Seattle where people don't talk to each other at all... but 25% of us don't know our neighbors' names, and 23% of us HAVE gotten into a FIGHT with our neighbors... you know, old what's- his- face! Truth is, you don't get to pick your neighbors, of course, you just hope for the best... but the best is not always what you get. For example, the guy that owns the house behind me is a straight- up d*ck... but he doesn't live there, he rents it out... to his sister... who is a bigger f**king pain in the ass. It's unbelievable. Anyway, today's question: WHEN IT COMES TO MY NEIGHBOR, I'LL NEVER FORGET THE TIME I HAD TO DEAL WITH ____________.
His neighbor would always called the cops when they had band practice... I remember those days. Used to have the same problem
Lives next door to his IN-LAWS... he just had a kid, so he thinks it's great. I don't think he'll think it's great for long.
Growing up, the neighbor's German Sheppard would routinely sh*t in his yard. The owner would never clean it up (even when asked) so his father shoveled it all up and strategically placed it on the neighbor's pathway to his door. The neighbor managed to step in several piles and got the message.
Her neighbor's pit bulls keep breaking through her fence and going after her dogs... thing is, she keeps repairing the fence, but the neighbors refuse to help pay for the constant repairs
Wanted to yell at his neighbors for making noise... they invited him to a kegger and they've been friends ever since
His neighbor was a hooker... one night, a John knocked on his door for a ride home
His neighbors got a restraining order against him... he believes they sabotaged his car
Thin walls in his apartment, always heard his neighbors having sex... says the woman screamed so loud she HAD to be faking it
Met his neighbor when he shot his own mother
Crap. Sorry bitches... got a little distracted today, so I've gotta run.
Oh... we're off tomorrow and Friday (getting surgery on my face, so I'll be even uglier).
Until Monday, do what you do best and STAY BEAUTIFUL!"
Maybe you've heard, but in this modern, app- happy world, the hottest seller right now is the Ugly Meter... and it does exactly what it sounds like it does; it scans your face and tells you how ugly you are. Apparently, it analyses your facial symmetry to come up with it's score of 1- to- 10. It should be noted that '10' is the ugliest, so this is one of those times when being a 'perfect 10' isn't what you're looking for. Thing is, you don't need an app to tell you if you're ugly. With a few notable exceptions (I'm talking to YOU Torry Spelling) ugly people are very aware that they are ugly. Not only do you know if you're ugly, you also know who the ugliest person is in your circle of friends, among your co- workers and in your own family. Here's hoping it's not you. Beauty may, indeed, be in the eye of the beholder, but sometimes ugly is an undeniable truth. Ever met anyone who found Clint Howard handsome? Me neither. Today we asked you to play the role of the Ugly Meter and give an honest answer to the following question: WHO IS THE UGLIEST PERSON YOU KNOW?
His- brother- in- law... huge head and man- boobs... what makes the man- boobs worse is that one is bigger than the other
One of his regular customers at the grocery store where she works... says she's remarkably ugly but it's made worse because she has stubble
His friend's girlfriend... says she has crooked teeth, a crooked nose, but has great legs.
Fellow student... lazy eye, weird hair, a double chin and smells "weird"
His uncle, plain and simple
His wife's best friend... makes him the guy who got the hot one out of the pair
His college buddy... guy looked 45 when he was 19... thing is, the ugly dude had a twin sister who was HOT
Knows a family who has a 16- year- old kid with gray hair... how do you have gray hair at 16? Jesus.
Says that his buddy "literally" looks like a monkey... it's possible that his friend is actually monkey that looks somewhat human?
His best friend's fiancé... he's known her for 10 years and says she's always been ugly the whole time... even better, he's the best man at the upcoming wedding AND they've only known each other for 3 months
SIT AND SPIN
Jolene brought in an interesting list today. It was the Top 10 Dead Artist Who Should Come Back as Holograms. We're just assuming the list was inspired by Tupac's recent 'appearance' at Coachella... or wherever. Here's the link:
OK, trivia night. Gotta run, bitches.
Until tomorrow, put it where you need it and STAY BEAUTIFUL!"
So, you're 16- years- old and get caught painting graffiti on a school; what's your punishment? If you're Dennis Baltimore Jr of Long Beach, California, you wear a sandwich board that reads "I'm a juvenile delinquent who should be punished. I have wasted your tax money with dumb acts of vandalism in public schools." He's not alone, of course. A 7th grader in Florida (meaning he's anywhere from 12 to 19- years- old) who is the preverbal "class clown" had to wear a sign reading "Hey, I want to be a class clown. Is that wrong?" That's what it said on the front. The BACK of the sign added, "I'm in the 7th grade and got three F's. Blow your horn if there's something wrong with that." (Beep- beep) And an 8- year- old girl in Chicago had to wear a sign explaining, "I like to steal from others and lie about it", presumably because she likes to steal from others and lie about it. We all did dumb stuff that pissed our parents off when we were kids, so today we wanted to know: WHAT SIGN WOULD YOUR PARENTS HAVE MADE YOU WEAR BASED ON THE TIME YOU PISSED THEM OFF THE MOST?
Got a DUI at 14- years- old in his parents car... what do you put on that sign? "I'm already a drunk"?
Stole $600 from his baby- sitter. If you have $600 in cash, why baby- sit?
Got caught shoplifting matches... his father is a firefighter
At 14, broke into a construction site and drove a 3- ton excavator around... ended up clipping and bridge and rolling the thing into a ditch. He was smart enough to tell NO ONE
His parents would have made him wear a sign that read "I have anger issues!"
The sign: "I like to show my naked arse to old women at garage sales!" Do the math. On the bright side, his father actually found his posterior display funny
His mother found his Playboys back in the day and used them as placemats for dinner that night. I get the point, but that seems insanely unsanitary
Sign: "I got suspended from school for a year because I think getting stoned is more important than going to class"... well, DUH! Wait... what's that. Ah... I mean, that's terrible.
Sign: "I'm a sinning whore!" Not sure you'd want your KID standing on a street corner advertising her 'loose morals'. She's from a "super- Catholic" family, dated a guy for 3 years and eventually lost her virginity to him. Premarital sex = evil.
Sign: "I am horny."... ran up $700 in phone sex bills... again, not a sign you want your KID wearing at an intersection
Sign: "I like to take drugs in an effort to get laid". See, I like to take drugs because they're fun and I try to get laid because that's fun too. Don't need one for the other
Actually had to wear a sign that read "I like to pick fights"... got hit by a car while wearing it. The irony is that he'd picked a fight on a bus and had to walk to school... which is when he was hit.
That's my favorite one from today.
If you were at Elysian Fields Friday night for our 6- pack launch party, thank you, and I'm sure it was great seeing you, but I recall precious little... which, generally speaking, means I had a blast.
OK, I'm outta here, mi amigos.
Until tomorrow, dance, dance, dance and STAY BEAUTIFUL!"
So the first round of the NFL Draft went down last night in New York City. For the most part there were no real surprises (except maybe the Cowboys pick?) and things followed the same routine that they usually do, except for a little something Thee Ted Smith noticed; Commissioner Roger Goodell goes a little to BIG and a little too LONG on the man- hug. There's an unspoken way to go about the man- hug, and Goodell violates all tenets of it. That's the thing about people in social situations; you can't guarentee that everyone follows the same rules of engagement. Some people hug too long, talk too close, never pick up the tab, eat off of YOUR plate, throw out a three- part handshake, stay at your house too long, etc. Or maybe it's the things you put up with at home, whether it's a roommate or your significant other. If you're a guy and you're on the phone, how long does it take your woman to ask "who are you talking too?"... in spite of the fact that you're BUSY TALKING. Or how many of YOUR clothes does SHE wear when she's about to do something dirty? It's the stuff of social interaction. WHAT SOCIAL INTERACTION OR ROUTINE VIOLATION OF PERSOANL SPACE BUGS YOU THE MOST?
Away we go:
People who don't make eye contact when talking
Hate's the "dead fish" handshake
Hearing people chew food in the movie theatre
His (creepy) boss rests his hand on the small of his back every time he talks to him
His girlfriend is one of those annyoing people who won't shut up during a movie, always asking what did they say or what's going on, etc
His woman asks him "who texted you?" one billionth of a second after he gets the text... worry not, amigo, that's ALL women
Hates it when the people who hug him ALSO try to pick him up
People who show up to his house announced drive him crazy
Hates anyone who stands way too close to him when standing in line
Doesn't like it when people stand over him looking over his shoulder while he's working
Hates it when you go in for a handshake but you get the fist- bump instead
She hates when complete strangers rub her 7 months pregnant belly
MEN'S ROOM RED SIXERS
Tonight we desend on Elyssian Fields downtown to celebrate the official release of our beer, Men's Room Red in 6 packs. We're stoked about it. Very, very cool thing. Anyway, we're hoping to see you there. On that note, I'm outta here and on my way.
Until Monday, do what you do best and STAY BEAUTIFUL!"
So we've all heard and continue hearing about the Secret Service/ Columbian prostitute scandal. At last count, 16 Secret Service agents have lost their jobs as a result. As we've pointed out on this show innumerable times, this is what you'd call an 'election year' scandal because you know this type of stuff happens ALL the time. Well, earlier today, an official familiar with the Secret Service acknowledged that yea, people on the Federal payroll like them some hookers and always HAVE liked them some hooker magic. In other words, contrary to the manufactured 'disgust' of our nations fat- cats, this ain't the first time. Just last year in San Salvador, El Salvador (Saint Savior, The Savoir) some Secret Service agents were secretly serviced at a strip club... but not to worry, the club owner says he routinely "takes care of" high ranking U.S. Embassy employees, as well as agents from the FBI and the DEA. And, earlier today in Brazil, Defense Secretary Leon Panetta was blind- sided by a reporter's question about the 3 Marines and 1 Embassy official who threw a hooker out of an embassy vehicle last November. So now, because they screwed the pooch in Columbia, a whole bunch of federal agents are waiting for their number to be called. Hey fellas, if you're reading this, just apologize to your wife NOW, or prepare your denials. And then there was all this nonsense about the New Orleans Saints and their 'bounty system'... essentially, monetary motivation to injure opposing players. Like federal agents getting smooth- up in 'paid entertainment', money incentives to f**k up opposing players is neither new nor uncommon. That's why the person who tipped the commissioner off was labeled a 'rat', not a whistle- blower. According to the NFL Network's Warren Sapp, Jeremy Shockey was that rat. Turns out that Jeremy Shockey is NOT the rat, and now he's suing the intellectually- challenged Warren Sapp for dragging his ass into the scandal. That's how it goes sometimes. You may or may not have anything to do with the latest drama or gossip, but that doesn't prevent you from being involved. That's today's question: WHETHER IT HAD ANYTHING TO DO WITH YOU OR NOT, WHAT IS THE BIGGEST SCANDAL OR THE MOST DRAMA YOU'VE EVER BEEN A PART OF?
He was accused of murder... apparently he was talking smack about a murder victim (one of the single, classiest things you could do) and everyone assumed that he was the killer
Was involved in a love triangle involving 2 women
Took the fall for her (drunk) younger brother when he crashed his car... he'd had his license for less than 6 months, so she spared him the trouble and took the hit
He never lied about his friend's affair, but he never told anyone about it either... his wife was pissed because he never shared his friend's business until after the friend's relationship ended
His friend was hitting on some broad at a bar, but she rejected his advances... in response, his friend hopped in his monster truck and drove over the woman's BMW, crushing it completely... somehow, it was rumored that he, not his friend did it
He's a home nurse at an old folks home... he was accused of stealing drugs like Vicodin and morphine... was even investigated by the state. He hadn't done it
She tried to get back pay from a former job and was prosecuted for embezzlement instead... she wasn't guilty, but she took a plea for 2nd degree robbery... it should be noted that the "company" she was working for was a "non- profit" Catholic charity. Dirty, dirty, dirty, dirty, DIRTY organization. Unreal.
