The new biography on Steve Jobs comes out today and if youâre like me, you canât wait to NOT get your hands on it. Nevertheless, there are a few interesting revelations, like the story of his biological father. See, Jobs was adopted but he used to go to a restaurant that his biological father managed. Thing is, he didnât know the manager was the Darth Vader to his Luke, the Thulsa Doom to his Conan, the Mufassa to his Simba⦠thatâs my James Earl James tribute. When he found out that the manager was his father, did Jobs try to forge a relationship? Nah, he decided that he, as he put it, âdidnât trust himâ. Take Madonna; sheâs one of 8 siblings and, obviously, sheâs the most successful of them all, having made a fortune doing⦠I honestly donât know how she did it, but she did. Itâs not like she came from nothing; her family owns a vineyard (Ciccone Vineyards, if you care) and the whole family has something to do with it, including her older brother Anthony⦠at least until about a year and a half ago. Anthony came upon some unspecified âhard timesâ and got the boot. Since then, heâs been living homeless under a bridge while his sister pretends to be British. And then thereâs a family in Lewiston, Maine; an 80- year- old member of the family died recently, so the rest of the family went through the process of going through his personal affects. Imagine their surprise when they found the remains of his girlfriend in a storage unit. Did I mention that the âgirlfriendâ disappeared in 1983? Did I mention that he didnât rent the storage unit until 1992? Creepy? Yes. Our question: WHAT SECRET DID YOUR FAMILY KEEP FROM YOU?
At age 13, he found out that his âcousinâ is actually his sister⦠why wouldnât someone share that with you?
Didnât find out who his real father was until he was in his 30âs⦠itâs not like he was adopted, itâs that his mother lied about who it was. Why? She was collecting child support for 18 years from a guy who she fooled into believing that he owed her money. Ladies, seriously⦠cut that sh*t out! Bad enough you suckered a guy into giving you money you didnât deserve, but you lied to your own f**king kid too? Pathetic
On his death bed, his grandfather confessed to being the getaway driver in a SERIES of bank robberies⦠illegal but pretty cool
Found out his uncle is gay⦠doesnât everyone have a gay uncle?
His father won a Tom Cruise look- alike contest and won a modeling contract while in the Air Force
Didnât know he was adopted until he was 16- years- old
Just found out he has 3 sisters and his father is still alive⦠how does that happen?
His grandfather died and found out he was gay⦠the mother told everyone. They were married for 50 years
Found out he was the result of an affair⦠not a one night stand, an affair. As a result, heâs never met his father and his mother is a but slutty
His great uncle was a high level Nazi⦠yours too?!?
Found out his father was married when he knocked- up his mother⦠the problem was, he wasnât married to his mother
Call of the day: she was born with both sets of genitalia and didnât get the gender- establishing surgery until she was 5⦠she just found out recently. Her boyfriend didnât know, so we had her tell him while she was still on the phone with us. He took it well, but he didnât strike us as the brightest bulb on the chandelier of life. He actually seemed a little confused. Poor guy
Alright bitches, the Ravens are on MNF tonight, so Iâve gotsta go!
Until tomorrow, shine your gold and STAY BEAUTIFUL!â
If youâre reading this blog, Harold Camping was wrong⦠again. You remember Harold; heâs the phony religious âprophetâ who bilked his (surprisingly large number of) followers out of tens of millions of dollars when he convinced these idiots that the world would end on Saturday, May 21st. Yea, THAT guy. Well, after collecting everyoneâs money, he explained that his initial prediction for the Rapture was wrong based on faulty math. According to Harold, Biblical math is different than regular math. Not to worry, after a few adjustments Harold says that TODAY, October 21st will be the day the world ends. Wrong again, my man. Then thereâs Moammar Gadhafi; a few months ago he did an interview with Christian Arampour (or whatever the hell her name is) where she asked him about the Libyan rebellion. Gadhafi, looking sharp as always in his sunglasses and flowing, pastel robes (???) explained that EVERY world leader faces opposition but he wasnât worried because, as he put it, his countrymen âloveâ him and they would âprotectâ him. We found out yesterday, after they found him in a sewer drain, pulled him out, beat his ass in the streets and put a bullet (or two) in his head. That, my friends, is not love. Love is the kind of thing you find at a wedding. Just two months ago Kim Kardashian and some idiot got married. The whole thing was televised on E! Network and everyone with no life sat around and watched it. That was about 8 weeks ago⦠theyâre filing for divorce. Didnât see THAT coming! This leads to todayâs question: WHEN WERE YOU THE WRONGEST?
Yes, we KNOW, âwrongestâ is not a word.
Took his first wife back after she kicked her drug habit⦠she hadnât kicked her drug habit and he ended with a record and $25,000 in debt
Decided to drink Jagermeister AFTER midnight⦠never a good idea. Jagermeister might not be a good idea any time!
Had a strained muscle on his inner thigh so he decided to put Icey- Hot on it⦠TERRIBLE idea
Bought his âdream carâ, a Mitsubishi 3000 GT VR 4⦠so what went wrong? It had 51,000 miles on it, or as he put it, right before everything broke
Was the wrongest when she left a message for boyfriend #1 on the phone of boyfriend #2⦠I remember that message; just heartbreaking
The time he didnât listen to his girlfriend when she warned him not to hang out with a certain guy. Should have listened because he got 15 years for armed robbery⦠heâs on year 9. Called us from the Stafford Creek Correctional Facility where we are, according to him, very popular. So now Iâm pushing the idea of doing a show from there, like Johnny Cash at Folsom Prison
Beat up the guy who broke into his car⦠he was âwrongestâ because he beat up the wrong guy⦠thatâs a thing
Thought his live-in girlfriend of 3 months was 18⦠not only was she NOT 18, she was a runaway. He didnât know this, of course, so imagine his surprise when the cops confronted them at the Puyallup Fair. The ONLY reason he didnât get arrested is because this girl had duped several other men
Took a $500 dare to pierce his junk⦠not that big of a deal, but the piercing became infected; thatâs bad. Got worse when it swelled up like âa balloonâ, but it got the worstest (I know thatâs not a word too) when the doctors had to CHOP OFF THE TOP! We nicknamed his junk the Headless Horsemen
OK, the weekend is here and Iâm ready to enjoy it. Do the same, but remember (seriously) the Viaduct is going down for the next 9 days and traffic will be F**KED UP all over town. Eep it in mind, keep your road rage to a minimum and come back Monday. We can all complain about it then.
Until Monday, do what you do best and STAY BEAUTIFUL!â
Maybe you saw the news this morning and thought Carlos Santana or Gene Simmons had been killed⦠but no, that was Libyan dictator Moammar Gadhafi. After 42 years of ruling Libya with an iron fist and months of bloody clashes with rebel forces, Gadhafi was killed. There are conflicting reports, but rumor has it that he was hiding in a ditch or something. Who knows? We know Saddam Hussein was hiding in a hole when American forces found his hairy ass, and Osama bin Laden was living large in a mansion in Pakistan because he knew American forces were looking for him in Afghanistan. The point being, he was looking to avoid American forces at all costs⦠and I think we know why. Most of us arenât quite the pathetic, ego- maniacal douche- bags that dictators and terrorists are, and most of us donât have entire countries looking to hunt us down, but all of us, in the course of our lives, screwed up or screwed someone over and make it a point to avoid crossing paths with the offended parties. Whether you owe someone money, slept with somebody elseâs girlfriend (or boyfriend) or just said some choice words you now regret, thereâs someone out there you hope to NOT run into. Today we wanted to know, OTHER than an ex: WHOâS THE ONE PERSON ON THE PLANET WHO YOU SHOULD AVOID AT ALL COSTS AND WHY?
Her own mother⦠not because her mother is an overbearing bitch or anything, but because sheâs incontinent and refuses to wear an adult diaper. In other words, she avoids her mother because her mother is a poop- in- the- pants machine. I get it.
His boss⦠his boss is a douche, but more than that, he doesnât like his boss getting too close to him because itâs likely that the boss will smell the booze on his breath. Seems strange to me⦠never had a job where I wouldnât just inform my co-workers that Iâm still drunk from the night before. On the other hand, this particular guy works in security and I work in the farthest thing from it
A specific co- worker who just wonât shut the hell up when he sees you. Thereâs one at every work place
Wants to avoid the âdirtyâ DEA agent he had to deal with⦠personally, I try to avoid DEA agents whether theyâre âdirtyâ or on the level, but thatâs just me.
His exâs father⦠his ex moved in with him on her 18th birthday and her father was none too happy about it. We donât know how things ended or what went wrong, but he still feels compelled to avoid her father. Probably a good idea
His ex- wifeâs mother⦠quite the opposite of above; when his ex announced that she wanted a divorce, her mother started hitting on him. Said sheâs good looking, but it ainât right and she wonât stop the pursuit
His sisterâs ex⦠he was a meth addict AND physically abused his sister. If he sees him, heâll kick his ass
Needs to avoid his âfriendâ whoâs been in prison for the last year because heâs been f**king his girlfriend for the last 12 months. This is NOT going to end well
OK bitches, Iâm outta here for the day!
Have yourselves a fine evening⦠or donât. Your choice.
Until tomorrow, smile for the camera and STAY BEAUTIFUL!â
The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention released a study on Monday that estimates the cost of alcohol abuse with regard to medical expenses. Truth- be- told, we didnât care about that, but what DID catch our attention was the CDCâs definition of âbinge drinkingâ. According to them, binge drinking is the consumption of four or five alcoholic beverages on one occasion⦠or as WE call it, pre- funking. We drink that much in preparation to go out drinking, so according to the CDC⦠and our wives and girlfriends⦠we all have a drinking problem. Oddly enough, Iâm hung over as I write this. So thatâs the CDC; meanwhile, the folks behind the Gallup poll recently came to the conclusion that 86% of American workers are overweight or obese. How did they come to that conclusion? They asked 100,000 people for their weight and height and if they werenât within whatever the âmagic numberâ is, they were labeled fat. The question is, if 86% of workers are overweight, is it really âover weightâ, are they over weight or are they the new average? Who knows? Anyway, this leads to todayâs question: WHEN IT COMES TO WHAT IS AVERAGE, WHERE ARE YOU ABOVE AND WHERE ARE YOU BELOW?
Today proved to be BELOW average.  For reasons I canât explain, todayâs show spiraled into weirdness. We thought we had a pretty simple question but somehow the floodgates of strange opened and we were I it all day. That being said, while were pissing and moaning all day about the oddness of it all, the consensus from the listeners was that today was one of our best shows ever. Seems that the more weâre derailed and the more bizarre and agonizing the callers, the better the show. Who knew?
While we appreciate the sentiment, we felt like our brains were melting into quivering puddles of mush.
On that note I must say adios. My brain needs to recover!
Our friends at âCrackedâ have done the research and come up with â11 Useful Products Too Embarrassing to Useâ.   Fellas⦠ever screw up your goatee while shaving? If so, the âGoatee Saverâ might be the thing you need, but like Cracked suggests, your pride will probably prevent it from ever happening. Ladies, ever have to go to the bathroom but the line is longer than you can hold your flow, or you canât find a bathroom in the first place? The Womenâs P-EZ Travel Urinal lets you pee in your pants without any of that pesky wetness. Wait, what? No buyers? Due to who you are thereâs at least one product you HAVE to buy thatâs embarrassing because what you buy speaks volumes about whatâs going on in your life. Something as small as Odor- Eaters tell the world that your feet stink. Bean- O and Gas- X scream âI fart to the point that it hurts!â, while buying Depends shares the secret that you sh*t yourself with alarming regularity. Vagisil quietly announces that your âmossy cottageâ smells like Red Lobster and Rid Shampoo reveals that you have crabs AT THE MOMENT! No one buys Rid to be preventive, you buy Rid because your b*lls are CURRENTLY itching. It might be humiliating, but itâs necessary. Today we wanted to know: WHATâS THE MOST EMBARRASSING THING YOU HAVE TO PURCHASE AT THE CHECK- OUT LINE AND WHAT PRODUCT DO YOU HAVE AT HOME THAT YOU HOPE NO ONE ELSE EVER SEES?
Away we go:
It wasnât for him, but when he was 14 he was sent to the store to buy stool softener for his grandfather⦠WHAT IT SAYS ABOUT YOU: âMy poops are hurting my buttholeâ.
Uses womenâs shaving cream for his faceâ¦WHAT IT SAYS ABOUT YOU: âMy face is as sensitive as a vaginaâ
She gets embarrassed to check romantic novels out of the library⦠WHAT IT SAYS ABOUT YOU: âIâm lonely and I masturbate a lot⦠to Fabioâ
Sex lube and Nair⦠WHAT IT SAYS: âCome in through the back door, but let me clear the rain forest between my legs first!â
Once bought a box of condoms and summer sausage at the same time. Wasnât thinking about it until he got to the check-out line and got âthe lookâ. WHAT IT SAYS: âIâm into some really weird sh*t!â
Owns pomegranate scented dish soap⦠WHAT IT SAYS: âNever tried a penis I didnât likeâ
Buys Enzyte penis enlargement pills⦠WHAT IT SAYS: speaks for itself
Vagisil⦠hereâs the thing, he buys it for HIM! Heâs not circumcised and gets yeast infections (excuse me while I vomit). WHAT IT SAYS: âItâs not for me, Iâm a guy! Why would I have a yeast infection?â
Rid⦠when he bought it, he was trying (to no avail) to convince the cashier that it was for his 2 non- existent kids. WHAT IT SAYS: âMy satchel is infested with living creatures. I sleep with dirty, dirty whores.â
There was this time she bought chocolate ice cream and menstrual pads. Neither is bad on its own, but together it says: âDonât bother me for a week, Iâm not in the f**king mood!â
He had to run to Wal- Mart to buy his wife an enema (which, on a side note, is so incredibly sexy)⦠WHAT IT SAYS: âMy ass is like a malfunctioning cement mixerâ.
Bought a DNA test, but it was for her, NOT to determine who the father of her children is⦠WHAT IT SAYS: âI want to determine who the father of my children is!â
Heâs 25- years- old and has to buy Depends⦠not for him, but for his Great Dane who leaves âmurder scenesâ around the house when she goes into heat⦠WHAT IT SAYS: âItâs for me because I canât control my sphincterâ.
Bought an electric turkey carver and a pregnancy test in one stop⦠WHAT IT SAYS: âIf Iâm pregnant, Iâm taking care of this myselfâ
Happened to purchase Monistat and halibut in one trip⦠the cashier made a comment⦠WHAT IT SAYS: âIf the Monistat doesnât work, maybe people will think itâs the halibutâ.
Doctor prescribed Aldara for a medical condition he has⦠the thing is, he doesnât have anal warts, but Aldara is for anal warts⦠WHAT IT SAYS⦠âI have the most disgusting ass youâve ever seen.â
Went with his father to Loverâs Package (bad idea) to help him select a SEX TOY for HIS MOTHER (worse idea). Everyone assumed they were a couple, but he made it worse when he said, âno, itâs my dadâ
SIT AND SPIN
Jolene came in today to share with us the top 10 prog- rock bands⦠according to Rolling Stone Magazine. As a prog- rock fan, I was loving it. Hereâs a link to her list:
OK, thatâs a wrap.
Until tomorrow, rock on, rock out and STAY BEAUTIFUL!âs
The folks at Daily Finance and Yahoo Finance have each released a list of ways that retailers and manufacturers trick us into blowing money on their products. Some of it revolves around marketing phrases, some of it is product placement, but all of it is designed to get us to part with our money. Theyâre not running a âscamâ, theyâre just trying to appeal to psychological cues that make us think weâre getting a deal⦠so it IS kinda like a scam, but itâs legal. Itâs like those late- night TV ads for kitchen products; use a few choice words to convince people that they NEED the product, then provide them with something that isnât nearly as good or effective as advertised. Happens all the time and it happens to all of us. It could be as simple as the Shake- Weight, buying magazine subscriptions from those teens that roll around in vans or as big as investing with Bernie Madoff. Today we wanted to know: WHAT SCAM SUCKERED YOU IN?
Got locked into an 18.5% mortgage on his mobile home⦠that just SOUNDS ridiculous
Scammed by his girlfriend⦠they started dating 1 year ago when she was a size 8; sheâs now a size 16
Took a job selling a fire- retardant liquid that protects furniture and upholstery⦠complete scam, of course, and the sh*t didnât work
Like a lot of kids, he bought himself some Sea Monkeys believing that they were actually monkeys that come from the ocean⦠and like a lot of kids, he was disappointed to find out that theyâre shrimp
Invested $140,000 of his inheritance into a friendâs tattoo shop⦠failed miserably
The Girl Scouts⦠doesnât like their cookies, which is OK, but he keeps buying their cookies because he canât conscious the idea of telling them no
His girlfriend fell for the âcome by and get a free laptopâ scam⦠it was a police sting⦠she had a warrant out for her arrest
A lot of people suffered scams at the hand of the early days of eBay. I know eBay has taken care of most of that, but I was very apprehensive to ever buy anything online. Then I discovered the ease of online shopping and Iâm all about it.
GAYNESS
Every year, we do a thing called the âGay Poolâ, a completely immature thing, but fun and thereâs money on the line⦠$100 American dollars. Hereâs how it works: in January we all select three celebrities we believe will come out of the closet in the next year. For the second time in five years, Ben the Psycho Muppet has won. He selected the new Mr. Spock, Zachary Quinto and sure enough, we get the news that Zach is out. Congratulations to Zach for manning up and Ben for winning $100. Hereâs whatâs weird about it⦠look at the pictures of Ben and Zach. Weird, man.
OK, Iâm out bitches. Have a bunch of crap I need to get done tonight so Iâm saying adios.
Until tomorrow, kiss a crook and STAY BEAUTIFUL!â
So, you canât sleep at night and you donât know why. Your lack of sleep is effecting your ability to do basic day- to- day things. Youâd give anything to sleep like a normal person⦠does that include aggression, acts of aggression, thoughts of hurting yourself and hallucinations. If so, Lunesta might be for you. Are you depressed? No one wants to be depressed, but would you trade your depression for fever, confusion, heart palpitations, uncontrollable muscle movements, sudden numbness and/ or problems with speech? If so, try Abilify. How about this; would you rather suffer from suicidal thoughts, hostility, agitation, hallucinations and/ or fainting, or deal with anxiety? If you prefer the laundry- list of issues, take Ativan⦠you might go f**king crazy, but you wonât be anxious. Side effects, the unfortunate aftermath of doing something beneficial, whether itâs beneficial for the mind, body or soul. Everyone enjoys food, hell, you need it to survive, but, inevitably, thereâs some food you enjoy that comes back to haunt you in some way; heartburn, the sh*ts, farting, etc. A lot of people want to be famous, but one guaranteed side effect is that your personal and private life cease to exist and everything you do becomes public fodder. Maybe youâre in a band, a noble pursuit to be sure, but if you donât âmake itâ, the universal side effect seems to be a great lack of money. Everything comes with a side effect and today we discussed: BASED ON WHAT YOU LIKE TO DO, WHAT SIDE EFFECT DO YOU TOLERATE?
Hell, you name it; I LOVE me a good milkshake, however, Iâll fart for the next 20 hours and finish it off with a monster sh*t. The whole process is a painful one, but I suffer through it every chance I get. Love milkshakes. I also love playing bass but I have a deep- seeded need to play very loud and very hard⦠the side effect is having to pay for repairs or new basses more than anyone I know or have met. I just canât play softly⦠not how music moves me⦠but it gets expensive.
As for you:
Loves âcrappyâ (meaning DELICIOUS) food⦠the side effect is his requirement to work out religiously to avoid expanding like the Universe after the Big Bang
She has type 1 diabetes, which is easily controlled with insulin⦠her side effect is her inability or unwillingness to take her insulin on a regular basis
Loves, loves, loves jalapenos⦠12 hours later itâs like his butt was napalmed
Allergic to grains in alcohol but gets âjust drunk enough to not care about the side effectsâ⦠well played, sir
Enjoys weed and tolerates the short term memory loss⦠how do you KNOW you have short- term memory loss?
Enjoys Raisin Bran cereal, in spite of the fact that within 20 minutes, his ass sounds like stampeding buffalo
Because she LOVES sex, she tolerates the âD- bagâ guys later⦠works both ways, sweetheart.
Loves playing soccer and dodge ball⦠side effects include bruises and pain
Gets diarrhea when he eats too much pizza⦠he eats a lot of pizza
Trains MMA⦠has had staph, MRSA, ringworm and has cold sores on his back⦠donât know if heâs single, ladies
OK bitches, thatâs a wrap. That kind of day⦠that kind of month, really, but what can you do?
A guy by the name of Curry Todd is a Tennessee lawmaker and heâs best known in his home state for being the man who sponsored a bill to allow people to carry a handgun into a bar or restaurant that serves alcohol. The stipulation is that you canât consume alcohol if your gun is on you. Wouldnât you know it, Curry was pulled over for a DUI and got an additional charge for having his handgun on him while intoxicated⦠a result of the law he created. Reminds us of Phillip Contos, a New York motorcycle rider who died of head injuries⦠while participating in a ride to protest New Yorkâs mandatory helmet law. The irony here, in case you missed it, is that he would have survived if heâd been wearing a helmet.  Thatâs how it goes sometimes; we know the risks, we hear the warnings and we ignore them, only to discover that yea, maybe you SHOULDNâT stick your hand in an animalâs cage or yea, objects in mirror ARE closer than they appear! WHAT WARNING DID YOU IGNORE, ONLY TO LEARN LATER WHY YOU WERE WARNED IN THE FIRST PLACE?
Itâs not a rule I live by, but notoriously, I ignore everyoneâs advice and warnings. The reason is because Iâm remarkably stupid and end up in trouble a lot more than anyone should. I know I SHOULD listen, but I donât, never have and itâs unlikely that I ever will.
As for you:
Worked as a firefighter, but didnât heed the advice of wearing a mask when moving a dead body⦠now he knows better
Lost fingers in a wood chipper after ignoring the warning that says NOT to place any part of your body in the machine WHILE ITâS IN OPERATION
Blew up part of his Face WITH FIREWORKS⦠described himself as looking like the Phantom of the Opera
Three years ago he ignored the expiration date on his condoms⦠today heâs the proud father of a 2- year- old. Congratulations
Got drunk at a sounders game and tapped a cop on the shoulder, the cop warned him not to touch him again⦠he didnât listen, so after an abrupt headlock and scolding, he was thrown out of the stadium
Ignored the sign on the Murphy bed that warned that it was heavy⦠as a result, she got smashed on the head
Took 8 hits of acid and had an experience akin to doing 8 hits of acid
Walked down the stairs in roller blades⦠it ended about the way you assume it did
He was warned that the girl had gonorrhea, but did he listen? No, she was SOOOOO hot. Took pills for the next week to kill the burn
Didnât believe that cigarettes were addictive
OK, bitches, Iâm outta here.
Until tomorrow, do it slowly and STAY BEAUTIFUL!â
We talked to Seattleâs own superhero, Phoenix Jones, yesterday, where he attempted to set the record straight about what happened early Sunday morning in Belltown. To recap, Phoenix and his sidekicks were patrolling the streets when he witnessed, what he perceived, to be a fight among 7 or 8 people. Long- story short, he peppered- sprayed four of them and was subsequently arrested for assault. Heâll be arraigned on Thursday. Itâs no secret that Belltown is where stupid people go to express their stupidity, and thatâs why Phoenix and company frequent the area. Itâs also why the neighborhood itself set up a citizenâs patrol. Instead of only complaining about it, they organized an effort to actually do something about it. Meanwhile, in cities across America, including here in Seattle, the Occupy Wall Street movement has gained momentum, although itâs produced pretty much no results. Nevertheless, like the Tea Party Movement before them, the âoccupiersâ are trying to create some kind of change that benefits the Average Joe and not just those who contribute six digits to election campaigns. And now, outside of the Bill and Melinda Gates Foundation, a group of homeless, and their benefactors, are protesting FEMA funding cuts to their shelter. Crime, corporate greed, basic human rights, itâs the stuff thatâs always in the news, but these people are fed up enough to actually make an attempt to do something about it. Todayâs question: EVERYONE GETS MAD AT SOMETHING; WHATâS THE ISSUE THAT PISSES YOU OFF THE MOST AND HAVE YOU DONE ANYTHING ABOUT IT?
Little dogs in grocery stores⦠Iâm sure it happens in places outside of Seattle, but Iâve never seen it personally. People are very weird about their dogs here, believe they should be able to take them any and everywhere
Over population⦠hasnât and wonât have kids. There are a lot of arguments to be made about over- population, then you look at the population centers around the globe and you realize that itâs not over- population, itâs a collective inability to take advantage of the space we have
People who tailgate⦠weâre assuming he means drivers and not people who enjoy multiple cocktails before a sporting event
The cost of health care⦠nothing he can do, so he tries to stay healthy. The cost of health care is ridiculous, but itâs more ridiculous the lengths at which insurance companies will go to avoid to provide the service you paid for
Politics in generalâ¦. Resents the phoniness of it all
Other musicians in Guitar Center⦠turn up loud and play for sh*t
The Child Support system in Washington state⦠the issue is, the state charges what they charge for profit, not to take care of the kids
I could go on, but Iâm running out of time⦠not unlike Keiffer Sutherland on every episode of â24â.
SIT AND SPIN
Today we covered 16 musicians best known for their accessories. Seriously.
Today is Columbus Day, a day we credit Christopher Columbus with discovering America. Oddly enough, he was in the Bahamas and thought he was in India, but weâve spent the last 500- plus years saying he discovered America. He didnât, but the guy got a whole holiday in his honor. Iâm not dogging our boy Chris, and to be fair, the guy who âinventedâ bubble gum wasnât out to create a tasty treat, he was trying to create a synthetic form of rubber for the war effort⦠and the people behind Viagra werenât interested in bringing sexy back to nursing homes, they were worried about your blood pressure. Subsequently, I didnât actually discover Guns and Roses all those years ago, but among my friends, Iâm the guy who discovered them. On the other hand, my buddy Paul âdiscoveredâ Soundgarden.  Here in Seattle, Miles âdiscoveredâ Red Mill burgers, Ted discovered âThe Wireâ and Ben discovered that dogs can be âyeastyâ. Download the poddamn podcast to understand what Iâm talking about. Anyway, sometimes you discovered something that you and your friends didnât know about and you feel that you have to share. Maybe itâs a bans, a restaurant, a game or a website, today we wanted to know: IN YOUR LITTLE WORLD, WHAT DO YOU GET CREDITED FOR DISCOVERING?
The Quesadilla Factory in Centralia⦠looks like sh*t on the outside, but inside are X- Boxes, pinball machines and some really good food, so if youâre in Centralia, check it out
Was the first of his friends to discover the joy that is online shopping via Amazon or e-Bay. I only discovered the joys this summer. I knew they existed, but I never bought anything through them, but as I get pickier and more particular about what I want, it seems that I can find exactly what I want online
He introduced his friends to âBreaking Badâ (which I need to see), âSeinfeldâ (which Iâve seen plenty of) and us, the Menâs Room
The Sloop in Ballard⦠he likes to drink (because heâs a good man) but when it comes to drinking, certain places suit you and your buddies better than others and the Sloop hits the spot for him
Discovered Japanese iced coffee⦠I have absolutely no idea what Japanese iced coffee is but itâs either a delicious drink or a sex move
Was the first of his friends to realize that women share the details of their sex lives with all of their friends. Keep that in mind, gentleman and perform well
Randyâs Rolling Papers⦠a paper with a wire in it for easier joint passing and holding of the roach⦠for tobacco use only, of course
Sea Magic fertilizer⦠if youâve got a garden, this is, apparently, the way to go
OK bitches, Iâve gotta go for now. Much to do and less time to do it than Iâd like.
Until tomorrow, find a crook and protect them and STAY BEAUTIFUL!â
Baltimore Ravens tackle and the subject of âThe Blind Sideâ, Michael Oher, was in the news earlier this week when he tweeted about Steve Jobs. Steve Jobs, of course, is the former CEO of Apple who died earlier this week at age 56 from complications from cancer. Chances are you knew that. Oher didnât. In the wake of Jobsâ death, Oher tweeted that he had no idea who in the hell steve Jobs was. Pretty much everyone poked fun at him⦠everyone except Tedâs sister, who ALSO didnât know who Jobs was. Thatâs OK, I only recently found out that Blake Lively isnât a guy and, like Ted, I thought Shia LaBouf was a woman. I donât exactly have my finger on the pulse of pop culture, and Iâm OK with that, but every- so- often, I come off as a complete idiot. Actually, I probably come off as a complete idiot more than I know, but thatâs a different story. Sometimes you just donât know things that everyone else in the world seems to know. Maybe you overslept on 9/11 and wondered what everyone was going on about, or you always wondered how hot that chick Molly, from Molly Hatchet, was or youâre like me, and you only recently found out what that beeping sound was for at crosswalks. Today we wanted to know: WHO OR WHAT WERE YOU THE LAST PERSON TO KNOW?
Thought James Taylor was dead⦠confused the man for his career
He was the last member of his family to find out that his 19- year- old daughter is a convicted felon⦠found out on Facebook
He was the last member of his band to know that his band was breaking up after 3 and a- half- years together
Found out LAST YEAR that Tums are NOT candy⦠he ate them like candy because he thinks theyâre delicious. He didnât find out they what they were until he joined the military and a buddy in Basic explained it to him
Was the last to know that Henry Rollins was the SECOND singer for Black Flag
He was the last person to find out who Casey Anthony was⦠thatâs debatable because I had no idea who the hell she was either. Turns out sheâs a bitch, huh?
She was a virgin as a senior in high school (no big deal) but she believed that each testicle was in its own sack . She even asked the guy who she lost her virginity to if there was something wrong with his naughty bits.
Last to know that New Mexico is a state. What makes this SO bad is that he was BORN THERE!
Last in his family to find out that his father was almost murdered in his home... found out two months after the fact
Just found out that her cousin was cross- eyed⦠apparently he always wore sunglasses and looked in a completely different direction when he talked, so she always assumed that he was talking to someone else
He was 31 when he found out that paparazzi are the scum bags who chase âcelebritiesâ around taking pointless pictures of them doing nothing. Paparazzi, by the way, is Italian for âbuzzing insectsâ. True
Was the last person in America and possibly the world to find out that Osama bin Laden was killed⦠found out about 8 days after the fact
Alright bitches, the weekend is here and Iâm starting it like a real man⦠going to Ikea and then to Babyâs R Us to get a baby gate. Yea, you WISH you were me, but youâre not. Deal with it!
Until Monday, do what you do best and STAY BEAUTIFUL!â
ESPN has chosen to part company with singer Hank Williams Jr. after Hank was accused of comparing President Barack Obama to Adolph Hitler⦠even though he didnât compare President Obama to Adolph Hitler. What he said was that President Obama golfing with Speaker of the House John Boehner was like Adolph Hitler golfing with Benjamin Netanyahu⦠the point being that American politics and politicians have divided the country into two halves that unwilling to work together. Nevertheless, thatâs not how the âmediaâ spun it and so Hank apologized for something he never said. And even if the liars in the âmediaâ had been telling the truth, heâs entitled to his opinion⦠in THEORY anyway. In America, you now have to apologize for everything you think, say or do. Itâs pathetic, but thatâs what weâve come to. Johnny Depp issued an apology earlier this week after comparing photo shoots to being raped. While it might not have been the best analogy, but most people understood the point. MOST people, but not enough people that Depp didnât have to offer the PC apology to overly sensitive folks. Tons of âcelebritiesâ have offered up heartless apologies over the years and itâs just silly, but in real life there are those people who truly owe you an apology and today we wanted to know who that person is: WHO TRULY OWES YOU AN APOLOGY AND FOR WHAT?
For me, I really donât know. Iâm not the type to require an apology. Donât get me wrong, people do me wrong, piss me off, etc, but, generally speaking, if someone strikes me as being âtoxicâ, for lack of a better word, I cut them outta my life. Sounds drastic, maybe it is, but as you get older, you just donât deal with certain sh*t. Besides, Iâm grumpy all the time.
As for you:
The girl who lied and got her kicked out of high school in her sophomore year⦠screwed up her education and she graduated 2 years late
His niece owes him an apology for accusing him of bashing her over the head with a beer bottle⦠he didnât
Green Day⦠(here we go)⦠this guy claims he came up with the band name. He didnât, but heâs somewhere between a lunatic and an idiot
The âfriendâ who wrecked her car and then lied about it⦠ended up costing her $1000
Her baby daddy owes her an apology because heâs told her he only shoots blanks⦠turns out there was a bullet in the chamber
His boss needs to apologize for being a bitch
A âfriendâ of hers who has taken not one, but two of her love interests over the years
Wants an apology from his ex, who left him for a 16 year old⦠you wonât get an apology, but I can see why his ego was bruised
Wants us to apologize for keeping people on hold⦠Iâd love to apologize, but there are many apologies that need to be issued. Iâll apologize to you just as soon as I can, but we apologize to people in the order that their requests come in.
His step- mother actually owes him $100,000 from his inheritance, but in the meantime heâd like an apology
Whoever broke into his house AND burned it down
OK bitches, this has been one of âthoseâ days. It happens from time to time, but what are you gonna do? On the bright side, tomorrow is Friday, Fridizzle, Fridelicious.
Until then, hit âem where it hurts and STAY BEAUTIFUL!â
A survey by NBC of modern- day mothers basically revealed what we already know; about two thirds of mothers would rather be stay âat- home moms than working moms. More than half of WORKING mothers (53% if it matters) said they quit their job immediately to stay home with the kids if they didnât need the additional income. Sounds real maternal and all⦠until the kids are school age⦠then it just sounds lazy because at that point youâre just staying home⦠not staying home with the kids. Just sayinâ. Anyway, the thing about staying home is, in theory, you do most of the chores around the house, and when your kids get old enough, you pawn some of those responsibilities off on them. Well, wouldnât you know it, another survey uncovers the 5 most hated chores as seen by parents and by kids. Iâll share the list below⦠because Iâm a swell guy like that. Really, itâs just a list of the crap we all have to do but take no particular pleasure in, like doing laundry, cleaning the bathroom, etc. Thereâs also stuff like paying bills, walking the dog in the rain, sitting in traffic on the way to work, and a bunch of other day-to- day necessities we do because we HAVE to, not because we WANT to. That brings us to todayâs question: WHAT DAY- TO- DAY RESPONSIBILITY DO YOU HATE THE MOST?
Like anyone, I donât enjoy paying bills because thatâs not as enjoyable as, say, spending the same amount of money on booze and drugs, but it doesnât drive me too crazy. I donât have any fondness for cleaning, but I do it all the time because, frankly, I pay to live in my house and I have a serious problem with paying money to live in sh*t hole. Just one of those things. The thing I hate the most isnât necessarily walking the dog, but picking up itâs sh*t. Not sure thereâs anything more degrading than picking up a pile of crap.
As for the above- mentioned survey of hated chores, here you go:
PARENTSâ MOST HATED CHORES
Cleaning the bathroom
Washing dishes
Doing laundry
Cleaning the kitchen
Cleaning the bedroom
KIDSâ MOST- HATED CHORES
Cleaning the bathroom
Washing dishes
Taking out the garbage
Cleaning up the bedroom
Doing laundry
Now you know. As for the rest of you:
Going to work⦠spends an hour on the bus to work for 5 hours at minimum wage
Cleaning the bathroom
Dishes⦠doesnât have a dishwasher
Vacuuming⦠itâs too heavy to lug up and down the stairs
Buying cigarettes⦠theyâre expensive, theyâre unhealthy and he always ends up buying other stuff
Folding and putting laundry away
Taking out the trash⦠has to go uphill to a dumpster
Hates emptying the dishwasher⦠I do too, but I always remind myself that I didnât really do anything, I just need to put the stuff away. It doesnât help⦠still hate it
Getting up at 6am ⦠yea, if I donât have to catch a flight, 6 am is just WAY too early
Driving the kids 12 miles to school everyday
Grocery shopping⦠amen, I absolutely hate it. Itâs not the process of grocery shopping, itâs dealing with all the other people there. Iâm not what youâd call a âpeople personâ, unless youâre a serial killer or psychopath
Cleaning the three litter boxes for his girlfriendâs TEN CATS!!! TEN OF THEM, BITCHES!
Hates changing the diaper of his 86 year old mother- in- law. I wonât bother to explain why he hates it because it involves changing the diaper of his 86- year- old mother- in- law.
Our âfavoriteâ call of the day involved a woman named Victoria, who told us that she was tired of having to empty her loogie can every morning. Ever heard anything sexier? Didnât think so.
OK bitches, Iâll leave you with loogies. Youâre welcome.
In case you just awakened from a coma and havenât heard, Amanda âFoxy Knoxyâ Knox, after 4 years in an Italian prison for the murder of Meredith Kerchner, was ACQUITTED of murder and set free. Naturally, there was a celebration here in the Pacific Northwest, from whence Amanda came, but in Italy, the sentiment wasnât so positive... which is to be expected. Nevertheless, in spite of Italian hostility and memories of 4 years in an Italian clink, a âsourceâ says that âAmanda hopes to RETURN to Italy somedayâ. If thatâs true, we feel compelled to ask, âWHAT THE F*** IS WRONG WITH YOU?!?â There are just some places you donât need to go, and for Amanda that would be Italy⦠and any Kerchner family reunion. Iâm not being a d**, I say this because the hopeless dim- witted Kim Kardashian did almost exactly like that in 2007 when she went to a red- carpet fundraising event for the Nicole Brown foundation. Nicole Brown is the woman OJ murdered.  Kim Kardashianâs father is one of the soulless scumbags that defended OJ. In fact, her father, Robert Kardashian, was the attorney who met OJ at the airport and conveniently allowed some evidence to be âmisplacedâ. In spite of this, Kim showed up at the fundraiser. She was asked to leave and seemed to be at a loss to understand why⦠which confirms my theory that she is one of the dumbest people to disgrace our planet. Thank God sheâs cute. Then thereâs Leisure and Travel (not to be confused with Travel and Leisure) who just released a list of the 10 places around the world you just shouldnât go. Hereâs the link: This leads to todayâs question: WHERE HAVE YOU GONE THAT YOU NEVER SHOULD HAVE BEEN?
Iâve said it before and Iâll say it again; I should have never, EVER been behind the wheel of a car that I intended to race. Long story short, I flipped the car 7 and a half times (or thatâs what I was told) and landed on the roof. Everyone thought I was dead, but their hopes were dashed when I emerged from the window of the car (with the help of the rescue crew) and waved to the crowd. Exciting as auto racing can be, I have no intention of giving it another go.
The stories we got today were way too long and involved to recreate here, so I wonât, but two of them really stick out:
#1. The question was âwhere have you gone that you that you SHOULDNâT have been?â A guy calls (our first caller if I remember) and heâd been in jail for 11 years! Naturally, we were excited to hear this story of false imprisonment, blah, blah, blah, so we were a little let down to find out that heâd stolen 50 CARS! We asked the obvious question; âwhy do you think you SHOULDNâT have been in jail if you stole 50 carsâ? His well thought out response was, âI donât know. Just donât think I shoulda been in jail.â Thanks for calling. Guy made me laugh but I think he missed the point. Karma being the bitch it is, heâs currently disabled after getting into a car wreck.
As a black guy, Iâve had the opposite experience; walked into a bar with a dirt floor, everyone dressed in camo in rural Pennsylvania. You could have heard a pin drop (if pins made noise on dirt floors). Pretty sure everyone could hear my heart beating, but I strolled up to the bar, assuming it would be my last beer. The bartender asked me where I was from, told him I was from Baltimore and waited to be killed. It was very uncomfortable in there, but it turns out every dude in there was in the union of brick layers that laid the bricks for Oriole Park at Camden Yards! Saved the day! Suddenly I was super popular and I had a great time. Donât know if Iâll get that lucky again, but it was an epic night. People in camo can drink their asses off!
On that note, Iâm outta here, bitches!
Until tomorrow, spin your partner and STAY BEAUTIFUL!â
The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, a.k.a., the Mormons, have unleashed a massive ad campaign in Seattle, aiming to help us non- Mormons better understand the Mormon faith. Starting tonight, youâll see ads on TV, the sides of buses and online. Get used to it because the advertising campaign goes through March of next year. Donât know what the point of the campaign is, but if you ever wanted to know about Mormons and why theyâre so easy to make fun of, the next few months will give you the chance to find out. Then thereâs a woman in England who dated a guy for years, only to find out that he was, in fact, a she. Click here for a look. See, âheâ was uncomfortable getting naked because of unsightly scars obtained in surgeries related to testicluar cancer (vagina) and always wore bandages around her chest to hide her BOOBS scars from a fire. Lindsay, the ACTUAL woman in the relationship, always wondered why her âboyfriendâ had to explain so many things. Depending on who you are, you probably find that you have to explain things to people. Maybe youâre a vegan or OCD or a convicted felon or a recovering alcoholic⦠today we wanted you to fill- in- the- blank: BECAUSE IâM _________, I ALWAYS NEED TO EXPLAIN WHY I DO OR DONâT DO _________.
As I discovered last week, I seemingly have to explain that Iâm black, and THATâS why youâll occasionally hear me say âniggerâ⦠not because Iâm a racist⦠at least, not toward black people. I was getting e- mails from angry folks who thought I was white and dropping the âN- bombâ, as itâs called, and were telling me that my racism has no place in the 21st century. That being said, I never bothered to explain anything because, frankly, no one owes anyone an explanation for anything, besides, itâs more fun to hear people freak out about stuff that theyâre wrong about. Always fun. So, for those folks who DO know Iâm black (and recognize the context of âniggerâ when itâs said), I always seem to get the question âwhy is it OK for black people to say it and not anyone else?â Well, I didnât come up with the âruleâ, so I donât entirely know, but look at it like this; Iâm willing to bet that your mother has pissed you off at some point, or your wife or your girlfriend? Maybe they were irrational and gave you a bunch of sh*t that you didnât deserve? OK then, your motherâs a c*nt. Not cool? If not, you get it.
As for you:
Heâs a young, able- bodied adult and has to explain why heâs not in college⦠the answer is, he doesnât wanna go into debt for something worth less than the cost of obtaining it. Heâs already advanced in economics⦠get that man a job!
Sheâs a nudist⦠has to explain that sheâs not ALWAYS naked
Heâs 6 feet, 10 inches tall, 330 pounds and hates football⦠which is crazy because you should like anything that you resemble
Heâs an atheist but celebrates Christmas⦠has to explain it. Really?!? I guess thereâs some people who think Christmas has something to do with religion?
Sheâs Mormon, so she has to explain why she drinks, smokes, cusses AND lives with her boyfriend
He doesnât drive⦠explains that heâs epileptic. I donât drive either, but only because they say you canât drink AND drive, so I stopped driving, kept drinking
Has to explain why he doesnât have kids⦠might have something to do with safe sex
Heâs narcoleptic and THATâS why he falls asleep all the time
Because he lives in Seattle, he has to explain why he doesnât drink coffee⦠thatâs OK, as long as you drink Pabst. Gotta do something to be âhipâ, right?
Heâs half black and half white so he has to explain everything to everyone
He works for the bomb squad and discovered that he has to explain that no, the job isnât as easy as snipping the red wire
Heâs gay but has to explain why he likes boobs⦠BECAUSE THEYâRE (.)(.)âS!!!
IN AND OUT BURGER
Miles and Hair Club headed to lovely Reno, Nevada this past weekend to see Glenn Campbell. No, seriously. Anyway, during his trip he made it a point to patronize the legendary, the glorious, the unmatched In and Out Burger. I wonât go on about it, but hereâs a picture of the meal he chose to eat. Drool on, bitches.
Iâm out.
Until tomorrow, mind your own business, donât gossip and STAY BEAUTIFUL!â
So, regular season for Major League Baseball came to a close last night in dramatic fashion. If youâre a Boston Red Sox fan itâs likely that your screams of frustration drowned out the hacking sounds of your team choking. The sox had to win their game against the hapless Orioles, even had a 3-2 lead in the bottom of the 9th inning, but found a way to lose 4-3. Did I mention that they were one out away from victory when they choked? Granted, they also needed the Tampa Rays to lose to the Yankees, and when they Yanks were leading 7-0, things were looking good for the Sox nation. Imagine their surprise when the Rays chipped away at the Yankees lead, took them to extra innings and walked away with an 8-7 win. Yea, the Red Sox pretty much blew a sure thing. It happens to the best of us. Maybe you had a cushy job but got busted smoking in the bathroom, or the cops were about to let you go when your bag of weed fell out of your pocket or you were excited to propose to your girlfriend but she found the love letters you kept from your previous squeeze⦠there are just so many ways to screw up an otherwise stable situation. WHEN DID YOU COMPLETELY BLOW IT?
I have far too many examples to even begin answering this, so I wonât. As for you:
Super- hot blonde wanted to take him back to her hotel room and get down- right freaky. He got drunk on Seagramâs 7 and passed out in the bed of his pickup truck.
Had a chance to get some booty LAST NIGHT but turned it down because he had to get up early today⦠so the f**k what?!? You were gonna get up early today ANYWAY, so why turn down the buttocks? Iâm disappointed
Got hammered on his prom night⦠got hammered and his date went home with 2 other guys
Went to propose to his girlfriend, said âKelly, will you marry me?â Her name is Erica
Blew it when he said âI doâ
Met a really hot chick at a bar on his birthday. She told him that she was going back to her hotel room (wink- wink) and he said âOK, have a good nightâ. A few minutes later he realized the error of his ways
Was at school denying that he was smoking pot⦠everything was going well until he belched a cloud of smoke
Got to meet Wayne Gretzky when he 10⦠then he puked buttered noodles on him
Crashed 2 cars into each other (a Land Rover and a Mercedes) while working as a valet⦠lost his job 7 minutes later
Slept with an âugly Russianâ guy and got herpes
When she was 6- years- old, she found her motherâs douche⦠started using it as a water bottle
FARTS
Iâm notorious for my farting prowess and willingness to share my flatulence with whomever is in my vicinity. Well, today I was particularly gassy and my biscuits were he harbingers of a stink that was indescribable. Anyway, I was lighting it up the studio today, much to the chagrin of Miles, and the haters came out of the woodwork. Never knew that farts inspired so much hostility. People were angry, disgusted, calling me names, etc. That being said, some people enjoy the farts, some really, really resent it and wanted to kill me. Very strange that farts could cause so much controversy. Iâm proud.
OK bitches, weâre outta here until Monday. Have a good weekend!
Until Monday, do what you do best and STAY BEAUTIFUL!â
Yesterday, the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame announced the artists that are up for induction this year. The way it works is this; 15 finalists are put on a list, the list is placed on a ballot, the ballot is sent to 500 voters, and each voter selects 5 artists they believe are worthy of the âhonorâ. I donât know who the 500 voters are but, generally speaking, I think theyâre idiots. I donât think theyâre idiots because I donât like the artists they vote in, I think theyâre idiots because they seem woefully unaware of what ROCK AND ROLL is⦠being that itâs the ROCK AND ROLL Hall of Fame and all. Bonnie Raitt? Nat King Cole? The Bee Gees? Miles Davis? MADONNA?!? WTF?!? None of these artists play rock and roll, yet theyâre all in the Rand R HOF. Based on this logic, Payton Manning should be inducted into the Baseball Hall of Fame. He doesnât play baseball, after all, so why not? So while all of these non- rockers are in the HOF, Soundgarden, Judas Priest, Ozzy, Motley Crue, Deep Purple- all snubbed. On the bright side, disco juggernauts ABBA were inducted last year. Iâll ask again- WTF?!? Anyway, itâs clear that some artists just wonât be recognized for what theyâve contributed⦠it happens in every walk of life. Some people are just underappreciated, taken for granted or ignored altogether. Today we asked you to give them their just desserts: WHO DOESNâT GET ENOUGH CREDIT FOR DOING WHAT THEY DO?
TV and movie writers⦠Iâll add stunt men (and women) to that list of people who make actors look better than they really are
Reporters⦠not the talking heads on TV, but the actual journalist who cover the war(s), politics and all the other stuff weâd otherwise hear nothing about
Comedian Brian Regan⦠the guy is very funny, but the first time I saw him I thought he was borderline retarded, as in LITERALLY retarded
Kent and Allen⦠radio gods in snappy sweaters!
Cooks and chefs⦠having done that line of work for 12 (sh*tty) years, Iâm inclined to agree. Itâs a hot, long, extremely active job with precious little reward.
Strippers⦠they get a bad rap (and they have NOTHING to do with that) and most of their clientele are ânasty dudesâ. True as that might be, I would think youâd know that before you get into stripping
His girlfriend⦠just yesterday, she greeted him in lingerie and with a new PS3
Condom makers⦠I agree with that, but Iâd add Viagra to the list
Fast food employees⦠terrible job with a terrible clientele
SHEEP:
After talking to the gentleman about the underrated value of the condom, we got into a discussion about ORIGINAL condoms, made of lamb or sheep intestines and how desperate some guy had to be hundreds of years ago to gut an animal and stick his D in part of it JUST to avoid having another kid. Let that sink in. Anyway, we determined that the sheep might be the most underrated animal in the kingdom: meat, milk, cheese, wool and condoms. I used to think the pig was the greatest animal, but Iâm thinking that sheep may have replaced them. Itâs intellectual stuff like that that separates us from other shows.
Iâm outta here, bitches.
Until tomorrow, pass it to the left and STAY BEAUTIFUL!â
In Saudi Arabia, women are âforbiddenâ from driving. Itâs not an actual law, itâs some goofy edict stemming from a very conservative religious outlook. A woman by the name of Shaima Ghassanya decided that was going to drive anyway, but she was caught and earlier today she was sentenced to 10 lashes. Itâs the first sentence of its kind in Saudi Arabia, but knowing how they roll in âthe kingdomâ, itâs unlikely to be the last. Here in the states, in Northern Virginia more specifically, a high school student was almost expelled, but later suspended for 10 days after he had the audacity to dress like a banana and run across the field during halftime at a football game. His suspension was later reduced to 5 days after his parents played the âautismâ card. The press has been all over this story and the resounding sentiment is that the punishment is a bit extreme for the âcrimeâ. Then thereâs actress Leisha Hailey, who played a character on Showtimeâs âThe L- wordâ was kicked off of a plane for (in her words) being a lesbian, but according to Southwest (the offending airline) it was because she wouldnât stop kissing her girlfriend. Was it hot? Probably, but the issue was that her display of affection was a tad more than the other passengers were comfortable with. Either way, she was escorted off of the plane. Whatever. Weâve all done things weâre not supposed to, and weâve all been caught. If youâre lucky, the punishment fit the crime, but in some cases, the price you pay just isnât worth it. WHAT DID YOU DO AND WHAT WAS THE PUNISHMENT?
Even those of you who are pure of heart and free of sin (known as âfreaksâ) have probably broken the law more than you know. Yea, youâre thinking âme? NEVER!â Whatever, save it for the judge and check out this link:
Criminals!
Here are some of the things you know you did wrong⦠and what happened when you were busted:
Showed up to high school hung over (impressive), blew a .03 and was sent to JAIL⦠thatâll teach âem
Drove his motherâs Porsche to school, threatened the person who told on him and was expelled from school AND kicked out of the house. The really sad part here is that if he HADNâT threatened the narc, heâd have stayed in school but still been kicked out of his house. No love like a parentâs love!
Was sent to military school after stealing credit card numbers from his fatherâs work and then calling â900â numbers⦠really man? â900â numbers?
Showing sure-fire signs of being a future serial killer, he sold candy (CANDY) at school and got suspended
Broke up with some broad in high school and like any reasonable woman, she made up an elaborate story of how he beat her up (untrue) and he was expelled from school. Lost his chance at an education⦠well, at graduating. Thereâs always a GED
Hereâs an equation that everyone can appreciate:Â unprotected sex + a woman you donât like (described eloquently as a âdumb bitchâ) = 14 MORE years of having to deal with her
In 2 days he got pulled over 4 TIMES for driving without insurance. Cost him $5000 to finally get insured
Drew a picture/ the teachers determined that this was a precursor to him shooting up the school⦠this little overreaction sent him to juvy
Tackled a kid in the hallway of high school, only to discover that the kid was a Special Ed kid⦠you will never, ever win that battle
Kicked out of school for bringing the Anarchistâs Cookbook
In 7th grade, he set a girlâs hair on fire (WTF?!?)⦠as a result he was sent to military school
SIT AND SPIN
Jolene, as she does every Tuesday, joined us for another award- winning installment of Sit and Spin. Today we covered the legacy of Pink Floyd⦠maybe youâve heard of them? You see, this week marks the launch of a series of re-masters from the band, as well as their move to iTunes.  We celebrated. Hereâs a link:
OK bitches, Iâm outta here.
Until tomorrow, hello, hello, hello, is there anybody out there, so STAY BEAUTIFUL!â
Last Friday, 17- year- old Justin Bieber and 19- year- old Selena Gomez went out on a date. They decided to have dinner and see a movie. Not very original, right? Wrong, bitches. You have to remember, these kids have mad dough, so instead of going to a restaurant and a movie theatre, Justin decided to surprise Selena by renting out the 20,000- seat Staples Center in Los Angeles so that the two of them could enjoy a steak and pasta dinner from their favorite restaurant, followed by a private screening of âTitanicâ⦠again, at the STAPLES CENTER. If Justin didnât get a little âhummina- hummina- meow-meowâ after THAT, Selena just ainât giving it up for anything. The first date I went on with my current wife I brought TED. Sure, itâs not the Staples Center, but the woman married me a few years later, knowing that my version of romance doesnât involve anything âromanticâ. As best I can tell, Iâm in the minority when it comes to that kind of thing⦠which is good for women everywhere. Most people will, at the very least, try to make the FIRST date something special and on occasion, will surprise the âapple of their eyeâ with a surprise or impromptu romantic overture. Not me so much, but a lot of you do, so today we wanted to know: WHAT HAS BEEN YOUR MOST ROMANTIC EVENING⦠OR AT LEAST THAT WAS THE PLAN?
Like I said, Iâm not what youâd call âromanticâ, unless youâve been trapped in a basement dungeon for the last 40 years and were tortured by your captor. Then, sure, Iâm romantic by comparison, but generally speaking, Iâm not that guy. No reason, Iâm just cold and heartless. However, for my wifeâs 35th birthday (earlier this year) I arranged a dinner with her and some friends at El Goucho. I didnât think it was particularly romantic, but I was informed that that WAS romantic, so I guess I HAVE done something romantic⦠I just didnât even know it.
Usually I go through everyoneâs answers, but who wants to hear about romantic crap? Not me, so instead, Iâll share a few select stories of romantic failure:
Attempted to have sex with the a stunt pilot WHILE he was flying (it was a date) only to float off of his lap (yea, they were doing it like âthatâ) when they achieved zero- G. I think thatâs pretty cool, but thatâs just me
Another guy spelled out âwill you marry meâ with rose petals (Jesus Crispies, Iâm gonna puke) but before he had the chance to woo his lady, she punched him in the mouth, knocking out two of his teeth. He didnât have dental insurance, so as a result, OTHER teeth have started rotting out. He has insurance now and plans on replacing his choppers. Oh, and he decided NOT to marry her.
Took her to dinner at the Met, reserved a hotel room with a sweet view of downtown Seattle, bought a new suit and a ring⦠had a great night, went back to the room, asked her to marry him and she said âNOâ. Awwww, romance!
For a first date, he cooked a âdecentâ chicken dinner, lit candles, had roses and rose petals leading to the bedroom, etc. Turns out that she was allergic to roses. She broke out in a rash and got no sex, which was the WHOLE point of the roses, the chicken and all the rest
Her husband had the house lit up in candles and they worked their magic. They made their way into the shower to get a little âwet actionâ, only to discover that the candles has lit the bedroom on fire. Ended up spending the night at a cheap motel down the street
These are the kind of stories that I enjoy. About 6 seconds after asking the question, we got the expected disgruntled texts and e- mails accusing us of being âgayâ, etc, etc, etc. Not entirely sure I see the connection, but what are you gonna do?
GLASS
Iâll just assume that youâre familiar with our beer, Menâs Room Original Red, and the label that goes along with it. Well, a guy named Dan is familiar with it. Dan also happens to be a glass artist and a fan of the show. What do you get when you put those two things together? YOU donât get anything, but we, the Menâs Room go THIS: The picture doesnât do it justice, but you can get a small sense of the coolness of it. Itâs tremendous. Check out his stuff here:http://glassguyflh.com
OK bitches, Iâm off to dinner!
Until tomorrow, poke but donât squeeze and STAT BEAUTIFUL!â
Tomorrow is the 20th anniversary of the release of Nirvanaâs âNevermindâ, heavily regarded as one of the quintessential rock albums ever released. Hard to argue that; âSmells Like Teen Spiritâ, âCome As You Areâ, âIn Bloomâ, and âLithiumâ are all mainstays on rock radio. However, as we pondered the release of âNevermindâ, it wasnât the music we gave a lot of thought to, it was the album cover⦠a naked kid in a pool with his penis showing. Weâve all seen the album cover, weâve all seen the penis, and I think we can all agree that if the album were released today, there would be all manner of controversy about it. There would be accusations of child pornography, followed by the obligatory ânewsâ stories, protests, political speeches⦠all the petty bullsh*t weâve come to expect in this country in regard to ANYTHING. Hell, you canât buy a cap gun, play tag or ride a bike without a helmet anymore. Something has happened in the good âol U S of A where being offended or being soft is encouraged, so God knows if âNevermindâ were released today, there would be a pathetic âcontroversyâ to go along with it. That brings us to our question: WHAT FLEW BACK THEN THAT WOULD NEVER FLY NOW?
The sitcom âAll in the Familyâ⦠add the Jeffersons and Sanford and Son or any TV show that used the words âniggerâ or âhonkyâ with frequency
Violence in childrenâs cartoons⦠I think Bugs Bunny got the worst of it. Maybe Iâm wrong, but I really donât think kids are as stupid as adults believe they are. Or, more to the point, why do adults assume that their kids are so much dumber than they were at the same age? Never understood that
Drinking and driving⦠used to be OK, but not now and thatâs a GOOD thing
Kids playing outdoors, unsupervised until dark
A smoking lounge at his high school⦠FOR THE STUDENTS
Spanking your kids⦠well, you canât do it publically, anyway. Spanking has become synonymous with child abuse.
Being Mexican in Arizona⦠true, but youâre taking all of our jobs, like picking strawberries, working at McDonaldâs and other coveted jobs
The game show Match Game â74⦠could never show celebrities drinking and smoking on set. Hell, you canât even show a person smoking in a MOVIE without it getting an R rating
Bullying⦠everyone dealt with bullies, but things have changed with all the social networking crap.
Buying cigarettes for your parents with only a note
Boom boxes⦠not because they look ridiculous, but because other people can hear your music
Smoking in public⦠well, you can, but itâll be outside, 25 feet from the door
Tackling in professional football⦠here, here!
âYo mamaâ jokes
Picking up hitchhikers
OK bitches, the weekend is upon us so Iâm going to get mine started. Do the same.
Until Monday, do what you do best and STAY BEAUTIFUL!â
Thereâs a book out titled âWet Goddessâ, by a guy named Malcolm Brenner. The book is about a 9- month sexual relationship he had in 1970 with a lady named Ruby. Hereâs what you need to know about Ruby; she was a DOLPHIN! No, you didnât misread that⦠the guy had a sexual relationship with a dolphin⦠for 9 months⦠AND wrote a book about it. Itâs bad enough to have sex with a dolphin, worse to share the story with the general public in a book that includes PICTURES. Last Tuesdayâs âShot of the Dayâ featured a Chinese gentleman named Zhang Nan, who went to a spa for an âeel treatmentâ⦠thatâs where you climb into a tank of eels with the idea that theyâll eat your dead skin, making you look younger⦠only to have one of the eels slip into the urethra of his penis (your D- hole, if you didnât know) and then lodge itself in his bladder. Goes without saying, but things didnât quite go as planned. And then thereâs the in California who, along with his wife, raised a chimp and lived a cute, fuzzy life⦠up until it tore off his twig and berries⦠and ate his ass, ripped the flesh off of his face, gouged his eye, ate his fingers and tore off his lips. Fun stuff. Taking all of this into account, we came up with todayâs question: WHAT WAS YOUR MOST âUNUSUALâ ANIMAL EXPERIENCE AND/ OR WHAT ANIMAL ARE YOU PRETTY SURE WANTED TO HAVE SEX WITH YOU?
A yak stuck its head in his car while driving through an animal preserve⦠which begs the question, why does EVERYBODY drive through animal preserves with their windows open?!? Theyâre still wild f**king animals. Just sayinâ
As a teenager he tried to feed a kangaroo⦠the kangaroo wasnât hungry, which frustrated our caller, so he threw the food at the âroo. The kangaroo responded by jumping at him and trying to punch his head off. Came close, but missed him. Now he only messes with wallabies
Cat gave birth on his fatherâs NECK while he was sleeping⦠not cool, but better than the cat conceiving the kittens on his neck
Saw his friendâs little brother lick the testicles of a dog⦠which is disturbing on so many levels
When he was 11, his neighborâs Golden Retriever always wanted to mount him⦠is that complimentary?
He was on COPS rescuing a cat from a burning building⦠is that cool or embarrassing?
When he was a little kid, he climbed into a pillow case⦠then the family dog immediately started humping him. That will leave a mental scar
At around the age of 8, he and his friends were chased away by a local Rottweiler. Well, the Rotty decided to pursue his friend Justin and instead of biting the kid, the dog essentially raped him, which is far, far worse
Watched a dog mount and âfinishâ on the neighborhood bully. On the bright side, the kid wasnât a bully after that
Stepped on a cheetahâs foot when he was a kid⦠why was he that close to a cheetah?
A crocodile jumped out of the water at him⦠and thatâs scary as sh*t!
When she was younger, her mother was almost mounted by a bull
An octopus grabbed him by the arm, finally let him go and then tried to ink him before it left him alone
Saw a chimp masturbate at a zoo in Hawaii⦠some people have ALL the luck
So the question was inspired by the guyâs book about his sexual tryst with a dolphin. Unexpectedly, Miles has a picture of himself doing his best imitation of the author. Take a look
Youâre welcome.
OK bitches, me and my excessively farty ass are outta here. Hoping you have yourselves a fine evening.
Until tomorrow, smell my goodness and STAY BEAUTIFUL!â
If you own a car you need car insurance (in most states), if you own a home you need homeownerâs insurance, in a perfect world weâd all have health insurance, and if you want to give your spouse motive youâll get life insurance. Insurance is one of those things most people buy because theyâre obligated to, but most of us donât insure the things that MEAN the most to us or the things that actually allow us to make a living. No one on this show has their voice insured, in spite of the fact that we TALK to earn money⦠and have precious few skills to do anything else. Most construction workers donât have their hands insured, even though without them theyâre probably not gonna work in the construction industry. Celebrities, on the other hand, they know who âbrought them to the danceâ, so to speak. Pittsburgh Steelers safety Troy Polamalu has his hair insured now that âHead and Shouldersâ is throwing him some cash, Gene Simmons has his tongue insured because, well, heâs Gene Frickinâ Simmons and rumor has it that Tom Jones has his chest hair insured for seven million dollars⦠his chest hair. It only sounds ridiculous because it IS ridiculous, but theyâre erring on the side of caution. Are you? WHAT BODY PART OR POSSESSION DO YOU OWN THAT YOU SHOULD HAVE INSURED, BUT DONâT?
His âemerald greenâ eyes⦠I donât know why, but I kinda wanna punch this guy. Seriously, I donât know why
Her hands⦠sheâs a barista and an artist with the dream of illustrating her own comic book. Without hands thereâs a good chance that her artwork would suck s
As a phlebotomist (drawer of blood) he has his hands insured for 5 times his annual salary⦠said he was recommended to do so
Her ass⦠she won âbest ass in Seattleâ two years in a row. Sheâs also a pin- up model
His Walter Jones autographed football from the â05 Super Bowl
His one, smaller ear that happens to be deaf⦠he can hear out of his OTHER ear, but he wants to insure the deaf one
Her âHello Kittyâ tattoo⦠saw a picture and itâs pretty cool, mostly because Hello Kitty is packing a machine gun
Would insure his $12,000 prosthetic leg⦠pointed out that his truck is only worth $1000, so the leg is the most expensive thing he owns
His ears⦠heâs a drummer and needs to hear his band mates to keep a beat. On that note, you can play drums with only one arm, as Def Leppard has proven
Wants to insure his face⦠have no idea what he looks like, but he goes by the name âB- Moneyâ, which sounds like a dude who would insure his face
His lungs⦠explained that he can do bigger bong hits than anyone he knows and THATâSâS worth protecting
His chest⦠has a âcool scarâ and chicks dig it
Her (.)(.)âs⦠sheâs 49 and says that sheâs been told that they look better than some women in their 20âs. We pointed out that the reason guys say that is so that they can see her boobs again. They could look like diving penguins, but if we wanna see them again (meaning; get in your pants) weâre gonna say they look like heaven- sent melons of love
His hair⦠wishes heâd done it BEFORE it all fell out
BLACK, WHITE, MEXI or JEW
So this particular game has become all the rage (so much so that a group of thieving f**k heads in Florida STOLE the game⦠seriously, some morning show stole the game⦠worthless a**holes) and we often mention that our radio version is the same as the board game. People keep looking for the board game, so hereâs a picture of our board game. Go find it.
OK bitches, Iâm out.
Until tomorrow, pick it, stick it, deny it and STAY BEAUTIFUL!â
Christina Milian, the 30-year-old hottie who has starred in such cinematic juggernauts as âAmerican Pieâ and âBring It On: Fight to the Finishâ, went to a restaurant called Mexicali last week and ordered a salad. Thatâs when she felt something weird in her mouth⦠turns out it was CHEWED GUM. Not CHEWING gum, but CHEWED gum. She spit it out, ran to the bathroom and puked. Sheâs now considering a lawsuit! It could have been worse; she could have been the woman in New Mexico who was shopping at a grocery store and accepted a free sample of yogurt, only to discover that the yogurt was mixed with SEMEN! How did she know? She recognized the taste! On a side note, she is AWESOME! And then thereâs are own Miles Montgomery, who recently sat down to enjoy a meal at a local establishment when he discovered a CIGARETTE BUTT in his food. Tasty! Everyone has had the misfortune of finding something in their food that theyâre not supposed to find⦠or donât want to, whether that be a hair, a fingernail, a Band- Aid, an insect, a staple or whatever. Itâs a crappy moment, but today we wanted your story: WHAT UNEXPECTED OR FOREIGN OBJECT DID YOU FIND IN YOUR MEAL?
Bottle top in his margarita⦠not so bad
Got a mouth full of âslimyâ Copenhagen chew spit in his soda⦠his uncle was the culprit
Bought a jar of peach salsa and found a nail in it
Eating a chicken wing when he discovered a feather sticking out of it⦠at least you know it was real chicken
Found a fully cooked cock roach in his Chinese food⦠at least it was cooked
In a bowl of his Honey Bunches of Oats he found HALF of an earwig⦠makes you wonder where the other half is
Long metal shaving (from a can opener) in his Chinese food
Ordered crispy chicken⦠it was very crispy because of the broken glass in it
Found live maggots in his rice⦠thereâs no way you didnât eat a bunch of maggots before you found them! Just sayinâ
His mother found an actual pearl in an oyster
Cow eyeball in his chili⦠got $1000 for NOT suing
Mother found gauze in her salad⦠got a free dinner⦠Iâd hope so!
Found a âMOUNDâ of pubic hair in his curly fries at a bowling alley in Tacoma
A 1 inch slug was in his salad⦠it was still alive!
Found a human tooth (a molar, if you care) in his burger from a popular fast food chain⦠not that one and not that one either
Ordered French fries while in Mexico (???) and found broken glass in it
Got a mouth full of finger nails when she went to sip her husbandâs Pepsi⦠heâd chewed his nails and spit them into the can
SIT AND SPIN
With the 20th anniversary of Nirvanaâs âNevermindâ approaching this Saturday, Jolene came in today and treated us to all things Nirvana. Limited releases, old recordings, weird covers, all part of the upcoming box set. Anyway, Jolene has more info here:
OK bitches, trivia night, so I gotsta go!
Until tomorrow, pass it to the left and STAY BEAUTIFUL!â
Weâre sure youâve heard the story already, but allow me to repeat it; the Salahiâs, Michelle and Tareq, the aspiring âreality TV coupleâ who crashed a White House dinner party about two years ago are now getting a divorce. Oooh, ahhh. If you donât remember, the two of them, somehow, bypassed security and crashed a dinner for President Obama. (I have to be x-rayed and molested to board a plane, but you can waltz into the White House and hang with the Pres?) Thatâs what put them, unfortunately, in the national consciousness, and then their lofty goal of becoming âreality starsâ came to fruition when Michelle was cast in âReal Housewivesâ of somewhere inconsequential. Everything was great for the Salahiâs until Tareq discovered that his trophy-wife was bumping uglies with Neil Schon, lead guitarist from Journey. Now Tareq has filed for divorce, Journey has heightened their security (for fear that Tareq will show up) and, if Tareq is to be believed, Neil, in a true show of class, e-mailed him a picture of HIS PENIS! We donât know if itâs true, but itâs what Tareq is claiming and, frankly, we find it funny enough that weâre just gonna go ahead and believe it. Itâs bad enough to find out that someone is getting smooth up in your wife, but itâs insult to injury when that person sends you a picture of the junk that your wife has been enjoying. Thatâs a complete douche move, but sometimes we do things for that purpose and that purpose alone. That is todayâs question: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE TO SOMEONE JUST TO BE A DOUCHE- BAG?
Some would argue that EVERYTHING I do is to be a douche- bag, but itâs not true⦠Iâm just kinda douchey by nature. However, I DO have a habit of jumping on the elevator with co-workers (two in particular) and unleashing the full fury of my butt. Thatâs right, I like to fart on the elevator with them. Additionally, because weâre on the 16th of a possible 18 floors, you canât count on stopping on multiple floors⦠thatâs where the fun really begins. As I feel the elevator slowing down to pick up the next group of people, Iâll launch into a tirade about how rude my co-workers are farting in the elevator! I enjoy it, but they donât.
As for you:
Roommate smoked all of his weed, so he filled a spray bottle full of tuna water and âmistedâ his bed⦠nicely done⦠and the roommate probably blamed his girlfriend
Covered his junk in chocolate and put a chocolate penis print on the driverâs side window of his ex- wifeâs car. Ridiculous, but funny
Put all of the her ex- boyfriendâs belongings on the street after she found out he was cheating on her with AT LEAST seven other woman and a few trannies. Seriously, he was also into trannies.
He works as an exterminator, so when he found out that his best âfriendâ was knocking boots with his girlfriend, he put bedbugs in his house
As a construction worker, he has a habit of putting sawdust in front of the painterâs fans. Funny stuff
Sugar in the gas tank and rice in the radiator because someone dissed Flogging Molly. Word to the wise; if youâre gonna dis Flogging Molly, donât do it front of this guy
Strategically put his sperm on his roommateâs pillow after the roommate moved his girlfriend AND her BAY into their apartment without his consent. Sperm on the pillow⦠it gets no worse than that, and if it does, I donât want to know what that might be.
Planted a bag of powdered sugar in his friendâs luggage post 9/11 during the anthrax scare. After 2 hours of interrogation by the TSA, all was good
Puts glitter in the vents of all the work trucks on site
Likes to turn off the lights in the public bathroom when someone goes into the stall to drop a deuce
My personal favorite; will buy his friend a drink at the bar and tell him that it was bought by a hot chick who was there. Brilliant!
OK bitches, Iâm out of here.
Until tomorrow, touch it, but donât poke⦠until tomorrow, STAY BEAUTIFUL!â
Steve Fitzgerald, owner of CC Carpet near Dallas, is like any local business owner in a town with a sports team⦠he ran a promotion involving the local sports team. In this case, he singled out Texas Rangers outfielder Josh Hamilton and created THIS promotion; anyone who purchased flooring or countertops between August 29th and September 28th would get a full refund if Hamilton were to hit a grand slam homerun during the promotion period. Itâs a pretty typical promotion because odds are that it wonât happen. Well, Wednesday night, Hamilton hit a grand slam in the 4th inning and, as a result, Steve Fitzgerald and CC Carpet are out about $500,000. That was a bet that didnât pay off. Speaking of bets, our very own Ben the Psycho Muppet is headed to lovely Las Vegas, Nevada this weekend and one of the things Ben plans on doing, between hookers and blow, is place a bet on this weekendâs Seahawks/ Steelers game. Just so you know, the âHawks are this weekendâs biggest underdogs⦠as of yesterday, they were a 14 and a half point underdog and Ben is debating whether or not make the bet. Thatâs the thing about making a bet⦠you really need to consider all the intangibles that will contribute to your success or failure. If youâre like me, you donât actually do that, so you donât bet much. Today we wanna know: WHAT WAS THE BEST OR DUMBEST BET THAT YOU EVER MADE?
Bet that buying booze, dinner and concert tickets would get him laid. It didnât⦠it got him a hug and a âthank youâ, which leads to my question; why is prostitution illegal?
Said that the Patriots would defeat the Giants in the Super Bowl (whatever year they played). The bet was that if the Pats lose, he would cut his âflowing locksâ into a Mohawk⦠so he cut his âflowing locksâ into a Mohawk
Works as an EMT⦠made a bet on whether or not a pregnant woman would make it to the hospital before giving birth. She didnât, he won.
Lost $1000 on the 1985 Super Bowl. The Bears were playing the Pats and his buddy gave him the Pats plus 30 points. He figured, â30 points! How can I lose?â The short answer is, your team loses by 35 points.
Lost a bet to his brother⦠donât know what they were betting on, but the loser took a kick to the nuts. He lost
Lost a bet and had to sing âLike a Virginâ with his pants around his ankles⦠with that in mind, who REALLY lost the bet; the man who had to sing with his pants around his ankles or the people who had to watch him sing?
Made a bet that he could go a whole year without calling into our show; so far, so good⦠so what? (thank you Dave Mustaine)
On his 21st birthday he bet #350 on one hand in Black Jack and won $1150
For $20 he shocked his balls in a dog shock- collar
Lost a bet to a friend while watching Animal Planet and ended up with a tattoo of a panda bear on his ass. Says itâs a nice tattoo, but it happens to be a panda
Ate a poisonous caterpillar for $10⦠which went toward the $1500 medical bill for eating a poisonous caterpillar
Branded himself at a campfire for free drinks for the weekend
OK bitches, the weekend is here, but more importantly, Ben told me to finish it early today because he needs to get to Vegas for a weekend sure to include details that he will never share.
Rock on and rock out.
Until Monday, do what you do best and STAY BEAUTIFUL!â
Just outside of St. Louis, a dude by the name of George F. Blackburn just finalized a legal name change. He is no longer George Blackburn, he is Led Zepplin II. Why did he change his name to Led Zepplin II? Well, he saw Led Zepplin in the 60âs, but more than that, heâs always had a fascination with the air ships. Thatâs his story. Three years ago NFL wide receiver Chad Johnson changed his name to Chad Ochocinco. He said it was an homage to Hispanics⦠just like youâd expect from a black man living in (at the time) in Cincinnati. Most of us have the name our parents gave us at birth, so the reason for our name is our parents, not our own. Nevertheless, there IS a reason for the name. For some, itâs a family tradition, for others itâs a popular character (see Bella from âTwilight⦠*sigh*), an athlete, it rhymes with something or it was just a ploy to create certain initials. Everyone has a name and we wanted to know: WHATâS THE STORY BEHIND YOUR NAME⦠AND IF YOU COULD CHANGE IT, WHAT WOULD YOU CHANGE IT TO?
Derek⦠from Derek and the Dominoes
Middle name is Brooks, after Brooks Robinson
Garrett⦠Garrett Freight Truck Lines
JoBeth⦠named after her two grandmothers, Elizabeth and Josie
McKenzie⦠after McKenzie Phillips
Myrna⦠1940âs actress named Myrna Loy; father had a crush on her
Shaun⦠after Shaun Cassidy
Dorothy⦠means âgift of Godâ; parents had 2 boys and really wanted a girl, hence; a gift from God
Her name is April Fowers⦠get it? Yea, thought you might.
Jerry⦠named after his grandfather who died a few weeks before he was born
Pheneas⦠from a book called âA Separate Pieceâ⦠never read it
Brionny (Bree- Ony)⦠from a book + drugs
Niggliato⦠pronounced exactly the way you think it is⦠mother Italian and his father was a hippie and thatâs still no excuse. Worst part is, his family calls him Nigg for short. Oddly enough, Iâve been called Nigg as well, and thatâs not my name
Michael⦠named after the arch angel. I think he was named after Michael Jackson!
Aaron⦠first name in the baby naming book
Her name is Mystical⦠even worse, her name is Mystical Crystal. Said she was in 6th grade before it occurred to her just how ridiculous her name is
Brian McCarthey is the son of the millionaire Marriott Hotels president. As a result, heâs had the âsilver- spoonâ treatment and eased into a lucrative career thanks to nepotism. I donât begrudge the guy⦠well, I DIDNâT, until yesterday, when we found out that he won $107 million dollars in the Mega Millions lottery. Guess the rich really do get richer. The really irritating part is that the guy still lives at home with his parents. A few years ago, Jennifer Lopezâs mother won a $2.4 million dollar jackpot at a casino in Atlantic City. The trip had been paid for by J-Lo, and after winning the money she went home to the house J-Lo paid for⦠$2.4 million dollars richer. While weâre on the subject, weâd like to say congratulations to Roman Abramovich, the Russian BILLIONAIRE who just purchased the worldâs largest yacht. Its 557 feet of not- yours. And then FOX News released their âFour Tips for Having Relations When Youâre Packing Large Manhoodâ. Relax⦠it doesnât apply to me either, but it would be a nice problem to have. That leads us to todayâs question: WHO ARE YOU JEALOUS OF AND WHAT DO THEY HAVE THAT YOU WANT?
I think it goes without saying and I speak for everyone on the show when I say we are collectively jealous of Kent and Alan.
Used to be jealous of Marc Anthony, now heâs jealous of Ice T⦠he loves chicks with big, Big, BIG asses
His brother, who happens to be his identical twin⦠why?  Heâs the younger of the two (by a few minutes) and he claims that everyone always asks âwho was born firstâ
The city of Baltimore⦠says the city âtook the love of his lifeâ. WTF?
New York and Boston sports fans because they have championships
Anyone who doesnât have to live check to check
Stay-at-home moms⦠she has 4 kids and a job and is constantly on the go. Close your legs. I kid
His buddy Johnny⦠he owns and operates a sports bar on Mission Beach in San Diego. Generally speaking, I donât trust a full- grown man who chooses to go by âJohnnyâ, but if he owns a sports bar, it somehow makes sense.
Thee Ted Smith⦠because of his trip to the Bunny Ranch. Listen next week and youâll be even more jealous
Jealous of anyone with a pet wolf because theyâre f**king crazy
Jealous of her best friend because her ass is FANTASTIC. Iâm sure the sagging meatloaves you call butt cheeks are fantastic too.
Us, the Menâs Room⦠we get to listen to rock music (not true, I go out and smoke during the music), talk to the general public and drink at work. Asked us if there was better job? The short answer is no.
Barbie, as in the doll, because âthe bitch has everythingâ
ARLO WHITE
One of our favorite people on this earth, the voice of the Sounders, Arlo White joined us for no particular reason at all. Sure, we COULD have talked about soccer, but nah. Every time Arlo comes in we just shoot the sh*t and laugh. Thatâs exactly what we did. Now you know.
Until tomorrow, kiss a crook and STAY BEAUTIFUL!â
The University of Michigan (conveniently located in Michigan) surveyed parents of teenagers and found that these parents live in a fantasy world. The long and short of it is this; most parents believe that teens are dabbling in booze and weed, but they donât believe THEIR kid is doing it. No, no, OF COURSE not. *sigh* Put it this way; the survey found that only one in ten parents believe that their precious little snowflake had tried alcohol in the last year. When TEENS were asked the same question, it was revealed that HALF of them had enjoyed the Devilâs hooch. It doesnât stop there; parents agree that about 60% of teens have probably smoked the giggle weed in the last year, just not THEIR precious little bundle of acne. In fact, only 5% of parents believed (admitted) that their crotch fruit had probably/ possibly dabbled in the âgreen calmâ, but the implacable truth was that 40% of teens had gotten high. Yea, parents of teens have no idea what their kids are up to⦠which is great for kids looking to get into trouble, but bad for parents who refuse to embrace the cold, hard, universal truth that teenagers are conniving douche- bags hell-bent on having a good time. Just remember, teenagers are the same now as they were when YOU were a teenager. Accept it and move on. Anyway, this leads to todayâs question: WHAT DID YOU DO THAT YOUR PARENTS NEVER THOUGHT YOU DID?
Iâm pretty sure my parents knew most of the sh*t I was up to because I was ALWAYS up to something. My problem was that I was not very slick or very good at covering my tracks, so I was in trouble everyday between the ages of 14 and 18. Thatâs not even a joke. The problem I had was NOT being accused of things. The parents in the survey live behind the rose- colored that tell you that your kid is a wonderful example of how a child should be⦠my parents were not idiots. They knew I was a sh*tty kid, but I was asked if I was involved in every bad thing that ever happened. No, I didnât rob that bank. No, I didnât set fire to that house. No, I didnât kidnap⦠wait, yea, I DID kidnap that guy.
Here were some of your answers:
She was whoring it up at age 14⦠has a kid now, which is shocking!
Parents didnât know he chewed tobacco⦠they thought his teeth were naturally brown
Used to steal porn⦠me too, but I later sold it fellow horny kids in high school. It was a great business until my mother busted be. Not good times
Stole the light bar from the top of a cop car⦠gutsy, funny, but ill- advised
Slept with his motherâs secretary at age 17⦠the secretary was 28⦠and EASY
Parents never believed she was having sex⦠until she announced that she was 2 months pregnant⦠at age 17
Had to tell his Mormon (yawn) parents that he smoked weed when he was drug tested⦠the best part is, the test came back negative. This reminds me of some strong advice; donât confess to anything you havenât been questioned about
Found his brotherâs cocaine and his parents assumed that it was HIS⦠still donât believe him to this day. They swore he âplantedâ it to frame his brother
Unbeknownst to his parents, he was an animal serial killer⦠father bought him a BB gun and he went on a killing spree
Parents never knew he wrecked their new Mercedes⦠got busted when the âstolen carâ report showed HIS fingerprints
Robbed a crack- head
OK bitches, Iâve gotta go do the trivia thing (so people think Iâm smart) therefore I must bid you farewell⦠farewell.
Until tomorrow, do it one finger at a time and STAY BEAUTIFUL!â
Our friends at www.247wallstreet.com just crunched the numbers and came up with a list theyâre calling âThe Eight Beers Americans No Longer Drinkâ. The title is a bit misleading as every beer on the list is HUGE, but all have seen a massive drop in demand, hence, a massive drop in national sales. Iâll share the list in a second, you impatient mother⦠Maybe microbrews are to blame, maybe people prefer hard liquor, or maybe weâre collectively sobering up⦠which would be disappointing. For me personally, microbrews have pretty much killed my appetite for the macro- brews. Itâs kind of the same as how I left the warm embrace of Camel Light cigarettes for the lung- punching goodness of Marlboro Reds. Hell, like most people, I used to buy CDâs (begrudgingly, since Iâve always been a vinyl guy) and then along came iTunes and I, like everyone else, got lazy and decided that itâs much easier to get my music that way. Same with DVDâs; thanks to on- demand and Netflix and the like, why buy a DVD? Same with certain clothes, food, etc. Today we wanted to know: FOR WHATEVER REASON, WHAT IS IT THAT YOU USED TO BUY BUT DONâT ANYMORE?
Before I get to your answers, hereâs the list of the 8 beers no one likes anymore:
Michelob⦠sales down 72%- itâs not a bad beer
Michelob Light⦠down 68%- I donât like lite beers in general
Bud Select⦠down 60% because, oddly enough, no one is âselectingâ it
Milwaukeeâs Best⦠down 53%- The Beast is a lot like Raman Noodles; not the worst, not the best, but cheap enough to enjoy when youâre broke
Old Milwaukee⦠down 52%- oddly enough, OE is routinely voted one of Americaâs best beers
Miller Genuine Draft⦠down 51%- not bad
Milwaukeeâs Best Light⦠down 34%- never had it
Budweiser⦠down 30%- no comment
OK then, here are some of your answers from today:
DC Comics⦠she owns about 2000 comics and has run out of room, so she reads them on-line now
Porn⦠like most of us who enjoy porn, the internet and all of the free T&A it offers has made the idea of paying for it ridiculous
Whiskey⦠discovered tequila and hasnât looked back
Garlic salt⦠used to use it on his eggs but then he discovered Tobasco and his world has changed
Boxer shorts⦠his pants ripped open once as he was stepping onto a bus and his berries were exposed. Yea man, boxers suck if your D is large enough to pop outta the hole. Not cool. Itâs also a âzipper riskâ. Zip your d**k once and you will keep it covered forever
Cocaine⦠then he went broke
Nicorette gum⦠went back to chewing because itâs CHEAPER!
Rainier beer⦠enjoys MGD now
Used to buy antiperspirant until it occurred to him that human beings sweat for a reason. You might not like sweating, but you need to do it
Blunt wraps/ papers⦠bought himself a vaporizer and finds it much more enjoyable and economical
Tampons⦠at first I didnât want to visit this topic, but she pointed out that she had a hysterectomy at age 26
Junk food⦠got fat
Used to pay for dinner on for women on dates, but all those girls âwere bitchesâ
Chronic⦠now he grows his own
Shampoo⦠went bald. Amen man!
OK bitches, before I go, let me just extend a smile to Steelers fans everywhere. Thereâs SO much I want to say, but I wonât beat you guys up too much. On the other hand, lemme just say a little something to the Steelers players and the sports media at large; I used to do sports radio and part of the reason I wanted to get out of it is because most of the people involved are f**king stupid. I seriously mean that. Anyway, ALL of you idiots have spent the last 8 months saying that Joe Flacco sucks, the offensive line will suck because they havenât played a snap together, the Baltimore D has no answer for the Steelers offense, and the Ravens, in general, canât stop the Steelers. What is it like to be wrong about EVERYTHING youâve said? Make sure you stick to your guns and please, please, please do not jump on the Ravens bandwagon. Keeping sucking the Steelers d*** and fail with them. Oh, but you guys were right about Matt Ryan⦠heâs AWESOME. Learn the sport and make more informed decisions. Youâre embarrassing.
Done. Go Ravens. Stop whining Steelers.
Until tomorrow, move those chains and STAY BEAUTIFUL!â
A new book came out yesterday called âEverybody Loves Our Town: An Oral History of Grungeâ and itâs about the grunge scene, obviously. In addition to insights from various musicians, the book offers tidbits from a bunch of muckity- mucks who youâve never heard of and donât care about who were more than happy to say they knew so- and- so back in the day. Name dropping⦠itâs all the rage. We all know that guy (maybe you ARE that guy) who just LOVES to tell you who they know, or who they met. Miles and I once listened to a guy go on, at length, about how he knew the guys in Alice in Chains all those years ago and actually worked as Sean Kinneyâs guitar tech for a few years. We pointed out that Sean plays DRUMS and suddenly our âfriendâ became very quiet. Anyway, todayâs question: WHO DO YOU KNOW OR WHO HAVE YOU MET?
Weâve got it pretty good here, getting the opportunity to interview and meet all kinds of people. Weâve actually met more people than we can remember⦠which is a nice problem to have. The only down side (and I donât expect your sympathy) is that we must always maintain a âprofessional coolâ as they call it and, frankly, thatâs not always easy to do. As HUGE Soundgarden fans, Miles and I had to struggle to stay calm when we had the chance to sit down and chat with those guys. Same goes for Judas Priest. Rob Halford and Glenn Tipton came into the studio and the only thing I could think was âoh my God, oh my God, oh my Godâ. Yea, it was like that. The most mind-blowing moment was meeting Ozzy. Heâs Ozzy for Christâs sake and it was absolutely surreal. We talked to him for almost an hour and both Miles and I were completely star- struck. Felt like little kids. Weâve gotten to talk to Ozzy twice, and the second time was no different than the first- completely awe- struck.
Normally, this is where I list everyoneâs answers, but essentially it was just a list of a bunch of people weâve all heard of⦠which was pretty much the point of the question⦠but there werenât a lot of interesting stories that went along with the meeting/ knowing of the celebrities.
Some things I did find interesting today included a guy who spent 7 years in prison for stealing a snow- blower (donât steal stuff in Idaho) and my ass was expelling the bad stuff ALL day. It was non-stop and smelled hideous. Not sure what I ate because, as I remember it, I drank my dinner last night. Maybe that was the problem. Really donât know, but it was not good. Normally I enjoy playing a little but trumpet, but today it was just too much.
Iâll leave with that, bitches.
Until next time, do what you do best and STAY BEAUTIFUL!â
A company called Mark Travel did a survey asking Americans which countries theyâre going to avoid travelling to this year. Youâd think the countries of the Middle East would dominate the survey, as even in the BEST of times, they hate America and Americans⦠and these are far from the best of times. Nevertheless, the Middle East wasnât the big winner. The number one place Americans are scared to travel is Mexico. Kidnappings, beheadings and drug wars have scared us away. Well, not ME⦠I was there a few weeks ago and had a blast. Whatever- the- case, Mexico is where most Americans are scared to be⦠as far as foreign countries go. I think most Americans would agree that PRISON is the place weâd like to avoid most; and not just as in, serving a sentence, but even VISITING a prison makes most people uncomfortable. Thatâs not stopping Arizona from charging people $25 to visit someone in jail. Itâs the first, and currently the only, prison visitation fee in the U.S. Arizona is calling it a âbackground check feeâ, but we all recognize that itâs just a money grab. Frankly, if I were gonna pay $25 to be a little freaked out, Iâd rather go to an amusement park and ride a 100-year-old, wooden rollercoaster. Some people would rather visit a prison than get on a rollercoaster. All of this leads to todayâs question: WHERE ARE YOU SCARED TO DEATH TO BE?
I make no bones about the fact that deep water and I are not friends. Never have been, never will be. That being said, my wife and I were in Hawaii a few years ago and she just HAD to go on the submarine tour thing. Just HAD to! That, of course, meant I had too as well. Youâve gotta hop on a boat first, then it travels a little ways out to meet up with the sub. Even that little bit had me in a quiet panic, but once I was on the sub and we made a slow decent to the floor of the ocean (the f**king FLOOR⦠of the OCEAN, bitches) I was clenching my ass tight. Not only was I in the last place I feel comfortable, but it kept getting darker and I was convinced that this would be my tomb. Was I being dramatic? Absolutely, but thatâs what fear is, bitches. By the time it was all done and we resurfaced, I thought it was the coolest thing Iâd done. Completely worth it, but still not sure if Iâd do it again.
As for you:
Cruise ships⦠heard the story of the âTitanicâ and has been scarred for life. Canât blame you, man. The Titanic f**ked with my head too!
Tacoma⦠the city is getting worse and itâs freaking them out. What the hell is going on in T- Town?
Guy did 9 years in the Army and saw his share of combat, but his biggest fear is spin class! Classic
The MRI machine⦠heâs not scared of the machine itself, but the possible things the doctors might find. Just had my first MRI last week and I was prepared for the worst (the process, not the results), but it wasnât that bad. That being said, saw the MRI IMAGES this morning⦠freaky sh*t
Scared of the wilderness⦠I just assumed it was because he was black, but blames his fear on the show âI Survivedâ. Canât lie, that show ruined me on the idea of a long distance trip on a sailboat. Oddly enough, itâs unlikely that Iâd EVER be on a long- distance sailing trip anyway⦠but now itâll never happen
His parole officerâs office⦠hmmmmm? Says he hasnât done anything wrong, but it makes him nervous
Fears speaking in front of a crowd⦠donât blame you. I get no joy out of such things, but you get used to it⦠nevertheless, you sweat every time!
Gets nervous if he finds himself in a group of Juggalos⦠Iâm always entertained by that situation. Love the clothes
Heâs from Alaska and has a healthy fear of small float planes
SIT AND SPIN
Jolene, as she does every Tuesday, joined us for Sit and Spin and treated us to Rolling Stonesâ 10 Worst songs of the 90âs. Hereâs the thing; it had some entertainment value, but it also sucked really bad because, like the title says, it was the WORST of an already bad decade of music. Check out the link:
Quick shout-out to the fellas in Superfeckta (and all of you at Evergreen Motor Speedway) who invited me to join them on- stage last Friday night to play a little âMan in the Boxâ. Second time I jammed with Superfeckta (although Iâve played with Kyyle the guitarist about a million times with the New Originals) and it was a blast. I was treated very well back stage and my poor daughter, who I dragged along, was treated even better. Very cool time. Anyway, hereâs a video of occasion:
OK bitches, Iâm outta here. Trivia night!
Until tomorrow, pull my finger and STAY BEAUTIFUL!â
A woman in Juneau, Alaska owns a little dog named Fudge, and on Tuesday night she let Fudge outside to, well, make fudge. What she didnât know was that there was a black bear in her yard. She found out about the bear when the bear tried to make Fudge a snack⦠which is kind of ironic. Anyway, what did the woman do? She ran up to the bear, punched it in the face and got her dog back. I donât claim to be an animal expert, but I wouldnât think punching a bear in the face would result in anything positive, but I guess Iâm wrong. Then thereâs the 90- year- old woman in Florida who had her leg torn off by an alligator; she was walking around her yard when the âgator jumped out of a canal, grabbed her by her (old, leathery) leg and tried to pull her into the water. What did she do? Well, this lady did the exact same thing I would do if I were attacked by an alligator- she screamed her f**king head off until help arrived. And finally, thereâs the guy from Lynden, Washington who was stung by a bee and got his revenge by pouring gasoline on the hive and setting it on fire. We all have our ways. Today we put you in harmâs way: WHATâS THE ANIMAL YOUâRE ENCOUNTERING, AND WHATâS YOUR STRATEGY FOR SURVIVAL?
I wonât go through all of the answers today because, well, none of the answers were very good. No, no, itâs not that they werenât good, itâs that people came up with some very intricate strategies to end up dead. Drop out of a tree onto a bear with a pocket knife? Might as well strip naked, cover yourself in gravy and jump straight into its mouth. Stab a bear with a sword? Do you HAVE a sword? No? Me neither. Attack a beeâs nest with a chainsaw? Give the plan more thought. Youâre really going to choke a gorilla until it taps out? It will tap your ass.
So like I was saying, not the best answers today.
OK bitches, Iâm outta here!
Until next time, do what you do best and STAY BEAUTIFUL!â
Think back to the irresponsible fun you used to have as a child. Maybe you and your friends would throw snowballs at cars, or, even worse, throw ROCKS at cars⦠then the car would slow down and the driver would yell at you⦠or maybe the passenger in the car shoots you in the stomach with a cross bow. Hated when that happened, but thatâs exactly what happened to a 16-year-old kid in San Diego. He and a friend were throwing rocks at cars when they flung one toward a Toyota RAV-4. The passenger pulled out a cross bow (so typical of Toyota passengers) and fired, hitting the kid in his abdomen. The kid will survive, but Captain Crossbow is still at large. Pretty sure that kid wonât be throwing rocks at cars any more. Then thereâs those brothers in San Francisco who went to the zoo on Christmas Day in 2007, fired a slingshot at a tiger and then were, subsequently, attacked and mauled by the same tiger. On a side note, the kids successfully sued the zoo because itâs the zooâs fault that theyâre complete and utter f**king idiots. Letâs face it, kids do really stupid things, and sometimes they face dire consequences as a result⦠but then, thatâs the fun of being a kid- you do really stupid stuff, and if youâre lucky enough to survive your dumb decisions, you walk away with a pretty good story⦠or so we hoped: WHAT WAS YOUR DUMB KID MOMENT⦠NOT ALL OF THEM, JUST THE DUMBEST?
Like all kids, I was an idiot too, but at one point in my life, one of the kids I ran with (Frank Welte) was an even BIGGER idiot. To be fair, his whole family was pretty messed up (older sister ran away from home at age 16 with her boyfriend [who later murdered an old lady after stabbing her umpteen times] in a van airbrushed with the album cover of Journeyâs âEscapeâ, his older brother routinely fired his shot gun at other kids when they [we] played in the woods, etc.). Anyway, I believe Frank reached the upper limit of stupidity when he took two shot gun shells and threw them into a lit fireplace. Two things to keep in mind; 1) it was an INDOOR fireplace and 2) it wasnât HIS house⦠it was our friend Devonâs house. Therefore, it was Devinâs dining room table and baby grand piano that were blown to sh*t⦠and we ALL got in trouble.
There were about a million stories today, so Iâll only share a select few. Here goes:
Used to drag his sisterâs doll (about three feet tall) across the road when they heard traffic coming. Needless to say, they watched as every driver swerved or slammed on the brakes, etc. Never got caught.
At age 10, he a and a group of friends decided to build a bomb that consisted of a coffee can filled with gasoline, gun powder and buckshot. One large explosion later, there were blown windows, a totaled car and buckshot embedded in everything⦠then their respective fathers embedded their hands to their asses
Played dodge-ball with a bunch of friends⦠problem was, they didnât have balls, so they used THROWING STARS instead, and things ended about the way youâd expect.
Put baby oil on the floors of an elementary school⦠the final bell rings, kids come hauling- ass out of class and eat it
Now my two favorites:
Robbed a Taco Bell for the âmeatâ and the cheese, not the cash
He and a few friends were shooting dog turds (seriously) with a BB gun on a concrete patio. One of the BBâs ricocheted off the patio and broke the windshield of a passing car⦠happened to be a county sheriff
Alright bitches, my wife got a baby- sitter for the night, so weâre gonna drink, eat, drink some more, debate seeing a movie and then continue drinking. Itâs what we do and tonightâs the night.
Until tomorrow, shimmy your jimmy and STAY BEAUTIFUL!â
Author Mark Banschick (bans- chick) is the author of a series of divorce books (see the irony of âbans- chickâ, now?). In his latest, he points out that many people pick up bad habits when they divorce.  He calls it an âimmature reactionâ, and suggests that divorced or separated adults are twice as likely to start smoking, get less sleep, gain weight and put themselves at higher risk of an STD than married or never- married folks. Anyway, according to Banschick; get divorced, develop bad habits. On the other end of the spectrum, a study from the National Center on Addiction and Substance Abuse at Columbia University, 46%, or almost half of teenagers smoke, srink or use drugs. 75% have tried tobacco, alcohol or cocaine and about 15% have abused prescription drugs⦠and none of them are going through a divorce. Soooooo, who do we blame for that? No one says, but letâs face it, if thereâs one thing we seemingly enjoy doing, itâs blaming other people for our behavior, so today we figured weâd do just that. Maybe you drink too much (kids) or smoke too much (stress from work) or cuss like a sailor (parents) or drive like a maniac (wife hassling you?) or watch too much TV (nothing to do in your boring town), today we wanted to know: WHO DO YOU BLAME FOR YOUR BAD HABITS AND WHAT BAD HABIT HAVE YOU PASSED ON TO SOMEONE ELSE?
Has a caffeine addiction and blames his brothers⦠personally I donât see the connection. Maybe he was ambushed in his sleep, started drinking caffeine to stay awake and now heâs a coffee junkie? I dunno.
Blames his alcoholism on his job⦠donât know what the job is, but unless youâre a paid drunk, blame alcoholism on the sugary- sweet awesomeness that is a state on inebriation
Holds his cousin responsible for his drinking⦠and by âholds his cousin responsibleâ, I can only assume he means that he thanks his cousin
Based on the âlead feetâ of all the male drivers in his family, he blames them for his addiction to speeding⦠should blame the low speed limits
His recent addiction to crock- pot chicken is absolutely Tedâs fault for introducing the recipe that has him addicted
Calls himself an âeast coast Dâ who is cynical/ his girlfriend is a âhappy go lucky hippieâ⦠says that his cynicism is rubbing off on her and it sucks
Gets his spitting habit from his brother
Her high school boyfriend introduced her to pot
OK bitches, trivia night⦠gotta roll.
Until tomorrow, look but donât touch and STAY BEAUTIFUL!â
TIME MAGAZINE just ran a quick article reminding us of something we already know; good looking people, generally speaking, make more money than ugly people over the course of a lifetime. They quote University of Texas economist and author of Beauty Pays: Why Attractive People are More Successful, who says that good-looking men and women (also known as âpeopleâ) can expect to earn an average of $230,000 more in a lifetime than âthose who are plain or homelyâ⦠or as we like to say, âfuglyâ. That would explain how actresses like Angelina Jolie and Jennifer Aniston can command $20,000,000 PER movie, in spite of the fact that the vast majority of their films are cinematic flops. Letâs assume that itâs true, and good- looking folks make more dough than their ugly counterparts; think about everyone youâve seen in your life, whether theyâre famous or theyâre someone you know personally. Now take the time to answer this question: WHO SHOULD BE THE RICHEST PERSON IN THE WORLD AND WHO SHOULD BE BROKE?
I know she has a chest the size of a 7 year old boy, but I think Natalie Portman should be a billionaire. Always have. If Natalie can take the riches, Zoe Saladana should get the money. I think these women are so hot itâs painful. On the other hand, the poorest person this earth should be Sirgouney Weaver. I like her, I really do, but she looks like something I stepped in in a meadow.
And hereâs what you think:
Donald Trump should be dead broke⦠several people agreed
Jolene should be a millionaire, we should be broke
Amy Lee (lead singer of Evenescence) should be rich (amen) while Sylvester Stallone should be dead broke
Believes that Steve Buschemi should live in a cardboard box
The richest person in the world should be a random woman he saw in Victoria. Said she looks like she just stepped out of âsuper- model schoolâ. Meanwhile, the poorest person on Earth should be Janet Napolitino
Mila Kunis should be worth millions, while Gadhafi should be broke. Gadhafiâs looks explain a lot about his disposition
Hilary Clinton should be broke while Rhona Mitra should be a billionaire
The baristas at Bickford Esspresso should be extremely wealthy (or so our horny friend says) while his fellow truck drivers must work pro bono
Believes Raiders owner Al Davis should live in a tent city⦠if youâve seen him lately, you might wonder if he can afford a tent Adam....
Woody Allen should be broke⦠based on looks or his movies? I think his movies suck so, so bad
Russell Brand should be broke
Steven Tyler should be broke, while his daughter, Liv, should be a multi billionaire
OK bitches, Iâm going home to watch some football. Yea, I know, itâs preseason but A), I donât care and B) my brother will be part of the officiating crew tonight. Gotta support the family.
Until tomorrow, turn off your camera and STAY BEAUTIFUL!â
So our show has been on KISW for 5 and a half years, with our images (much to my chagrin) all over the website, and yet, when we do an appearance or someone stops us on the streets, Ted and I in particular, are still showered with the same comments; Ted gets the âI thought you were blackâ comment, and I get the âI thought you were whiteâ comment. The reason for the confusion are always the same; Ted likes rap and throws out the âghettoâ slang, while I like rock and speak âclearlyâ. Thatâs all it takes. Stereotypes are so ingrained in peopleâs minds that youâre considered unique if you are, say, yourself. Even FBI profilers are little more than Stereotype gurus with a college degree, but in the end, their best guesses at anonymous criminals usually reflect the exact same guesses we have. Why? Everyone is prejudiced, but profilers found a way to get paid for it. I donât belittle these folks because, letâs face it, stereotypes are stereotypes because 99% of the time theyâre true! Most fat people overeat, itâs usually not a thyroid thing. Most women overreact, itâs not that they misunderstood. Most Asian drivers really do suck at driving, itâs not a problem with their car. On and on it goes. Today we wanted to know: WHAT DO YOU DO TO BETRAY YOUR STEREOTYPE?
Like I said, I speak clearly (unexpected), like rock music (unexpected), donât like watermelon (unexpected) and whole host of other things that Iâve been told violate the tenets of being a black man. To be fair, I never got a handbook or an instruction manual. Always thought you were supposed to just be yourself. Granted, because of my particular position, my outlook has always been that people who play the stereotype are doing what they think theyâre SUPPOSED to be doing because they donât have the balls to just be themselves. That kind of thing disgusts me (if you canât tell by my general tone) but as Iâve gotten older, Iâve come to the realization that maybe, just maybe, Iâm weird. I can live with that.
Heâs a video programmer but he rides motorcycles, drives trucks, shoots guns, fishes and hunts
White dude who can dance
Heâs gay, but works construction and âhates sissy stuffâ. Says he hates the flamboyant thing
Heâs black but loves to eat p*ssy⦠AMEN! I donât know where that rumor started, but itâs worked in my favor
Likes âgayâ stuff like ABBA and George Michael, tear- jerker movies, etc, but isnât gay
Heâs Mexican but doesnât drink alcohol
Female but doesnât use sex as currency
White and can dance
Smokes and jogs⦠I did that when I ran cross country for a season in college. Used to drive my coach nuts, but I was the only member of the team to win a medal. Go figure.
D&D nerd who works for the Seahawks and Sounders
Black guy who plays role playing games
Was all- state and league MVP in high school soccer AND ran a Dungeons and Dragons night every weekend
Construction worker, involved in MMA⦠all time favorite movie is âPrincess Brideâ and heâs a vegan
OK bitches, itâs Friday, but more than that, tomorrow is PAIN IN THE MOTHERF**KING GRASS!!! Do you have tickets? No? Seriously? You suck as a human being, but I forgive you. If you DO have tickets, youâre awesome and Iâll see you there. Looking very forward to this. Itâs always a good time. Wonât lie to you, the band Iâm looking most forward to is Witchburn. Local band, we work with one of the members (the beautiful and talented Mischa) and seriously, they kick major ass. You probably donât know this, but they are honestly the hardest working band in Seattle right now and they shouldnât be. They are f**king awesome. They shouldnât have to do a Goddamn thing except wait for the offers to come pouring in. If youâre lucky enough to see them tomorrow, youâll agree. I have no about that. If you wonât be there tomorrow, catch them when you can.
That being said, all of Pain in the Grass will rock, just letting you know who Iâm most psyched for.
OK, maybe Iâll see you tomorrow, maybe not⦠either way, have a great weekend.
Oh and if you liked Ted vs the FCC today, give this a watch.
Until Monday, do what you CONTINUE to do best and STAY BEAUTIFUL!â
Ashley Simpson did it, Larry King did it, Regis Philbin, Whoopie Goldberg and, most recently Barney Frank have all done it and Hilary Clinton (allegedly) did it during the 2007 Presidential nomination debates, and now Marines in Afghanistan are being asked specifically NOT to do it. Iâm talking about farting out loud. Seems some new rules came down from the Pentagon ordering Marines in Afghanistan not to fart audibly. Seriously. Apparently, farting out loud in Afghanistan is culturally offensive. Like talking about politics, women or openly cussing, farting is a no- no. No more morning thunder, gas blasters, bean burners, butt trumpets, air biscuits, devil sneezes, back-door belches, or one gun salutes for Marines overseas. Farting is a weird thing. Everyone and every animal does it, yet we seem to believe (or pretend) that thereâs no appropriate place to cut the cheese. With that in mind, when youâve GOTTA release the vapory hounds, it always seems like youâre in the LEAST appropriate place and at the LEAST appropriate time. Itâs happened to all of us, and today we asked you to share: WHAT WAS YOUR MOST EMBARRASSING FART?
Let one fly during sex with the woman who would eventually become his wife. That is true love. Problem is, if you try to prevent one during sex, you also prevent the ability to âfinishâ, so if you wanna finish, you gotta let her rip.
Busted one at a friendâs work just as a customer walked in
Farted at a store⦠everyone in the store was âevacuatedâ, for lack of a better term, and he was asked to leave.
Farted during the birth of his child, just at the moment the child popped out. Everyone except the doctor left the room. That was 13 years ago and heâs still hearing about it. Youâll never NOT hear about it, my man.
During the silent prayer at church⦠not- so- silent
Was on a double date, let one rip in the car and ruined it for everyone
Farted during his physical just yesterday
She was 17, was getting her first Brazilian wax and farted at the moment the wax was removed.
Farted on his girlfriendâs bed, only to discover that heâd done more than fart. Left a brown stain on the sheets
Heâs a cop and pulled a woman over for speeding. When he got to her window to give her a ticket, he farted
Farted in school and the teacher had an asthma attack⦠Goddamn!
His daughter farted at his auntâs funeral
Farted during a college final⦠thought it would be quiet, but it wasnât. More than that, the teacher paused the exam to let the room air out
Works as an EMT⦠farted at the patientâs house in front of the patient, the patientâs family, his co- workers and the police
My favorite of the day; farted on the WITNESS STAND and the judge called a recess to let the court room air out. Well done, sir.
OK bitches, Iâm outta here until manana⦠thatâs Spanish for tomorrow⦠I think.
Until tomorrow, donât drop the soap and STAY BEAUTIFUL!â
The âTodayâ show and www.Parenting.com surveyed about 26,000 mothers and asked them to reveal some of their biggest secrets. Among other things, they discovered that about 10% of moms wish their kid was the opposite sex. That means thereâs a 1 in 10 chance that your mother resents you and your genitalia. On that note, the folks at www.Nameberry.com put together a list of what combination of boys and girls leads to the happiest families⦠and subsequently, which combination leads to the least happy. Yea, Iâll get to that in a minute, bitches. BACK OFF! Iâll also share with you (in a Goddamn second, man!) a few tidbits from the very short- titled book âBirth Order: What Your Position In the Family Really Tells You About Your Characterâ. Namely, Iâll share the part about who you should (not) marry based on whether youâre the oldest, the youngest, the middle or an only child. Sure, itâs a complete load of psycho- babble based on stereotypes, but we enjoy that kind of thing. Anyway, if youâre reading this youâre alive (congratulations), and if youâre alive you were born, and if you were born youâre an oldest, a youngest, an only, a middle, one of 12, the 4th of 6, adopted, foster, whatever⦠this is what we want to know: BASED ON THE ORDER OF YOUR SIBLINGS, AND WHERE YOU FALL IN, DID YOU GET A BETTER DEAL OR DID YOU GET THE SHAFT⦠AND WHY?
As promised (actually, I didnât promise anything, just following up) here is the list of combinations of girls and boys that supposedly leads to the happiest and least happiest families. In order from best to worst:
Two girls⦠also awesome in porn. Just sayinâ
One girl and two boys
Two boys
Three girls
Three boys
Four boys
Two girls and one boy
Two boys and one girl
Three boys and one girl
Three girls and one boy
Two boys and two girls
Four girls
And now, from the book âBirth Order: What Your Position In the Family Really Tells You About Your Characterâ⦠in case youâre unaware of your character⦠hereâs who they believe you should marry :
FIRST BORN WITH LAST BORN: the theory- oldest siblings âwantâ to take care of people and youngest siblings âwantâ to be cared for. Actually, my wife is an oldest of 4 and Iâm the youngest of 2.
ONLY CHILD WITH YOUNGEST CHILD: the theory- people who are the youngest in the family inspire creativity and freedom in people who donât have any siblings. (???)
TWO LAST BORNS:Â the theory- they bring out the best in each other.
MIDDLE CHILD COMPATIBLE WITH ANYONE:Â the theory- middle children tend to adapt to anyone.
TWO FIRST BORNS DO NOT WORK:Â the theory- risk of conflict because both want to be in charge
FIRST BORN AND ONLY CHILDREN DO NOT WORK:Â the theory- both are too used to getting their way
TWO ONLY CHILDREN DONâT WORK: the theory- itâs just too much of both people thinking of themselves
As far as what we heard and read today from the phones and e- mails, it seems that everyone, the oldest, youngest, middle, etc, EVERYONE says they got the shaft and that their siblings were treated better or got more attention or a better deal. Everyone said that. That tells you everything you need to know.
ROBBY THE RUBBER
Because we here on the Menâs Room care so very, very much about the children, weâve often discussed ways of teaching safe and responsible sex to the kiddies. We came up with the idea of Robbie the Rubber, a mascot that could teach kids the virtue of wrapping your junk. Anyway, a guy by the name of Dustin Chesley drew us a mock- up of Robby. Here it is:
OK bitches, Iâm outta here for the evening.
Until tomorrow, wrap it or slap it and STAY BEAUTIFUL!â
So, these are tough economic times for the AVERAGE person (in case you hadnât heard), and not just here in the states, but around the world⦠or ACROSS the world if youâre one of those âflat earthâ folks. Thanks to some clever, behind- the- curtains maneuvering by some unsavory and shadowy cats, at no other time in modern history has the saying âthe rich get richer while the poor get poorerâ ever rang more true⦠so when you hear about a billionaire losing a home to a fire⦠on their PRIVATE Caribbean Island, your heart doesnât break⦠or does it. Thatâs exactly the situation facing Virgin mogul Richard Branson, whose ridiculously posh house on his ridiculously posh island pretty much burned to the ground early this morning. I heard the news and I thought, âwhy Branson?â He actually seems like one of the âcoolâ ones. Yea, heâs a billionaire and all that, but heâs the kind of billionaire I like to think I would be if I could just earn, oh, I dunno, a billion dollars. He likes space, so heâs building a space ship, he skydives like most of us pee, he created an airline for people who enjoy the concept of getting their moneyâs worth, throws huge music festivals, blah, blah, blah. I like the guy whether I want to or not. There are just those people in life that you shouldnât like, but there you go liking them anyway. Todayâs question: WHO SHOULD YOU HATE BUT DONâT⦠AND WHY DONâT YOU?
I would say Brett Michaels, but Iâd be lying because, seriously, I hate the guy. Then thereâs The Situation⦠no redeeming qualities except the fact that he openly admits and accepts that he has no redeeming qualities. I can respect that. He is the poster- boy for âdoucheâ and acknowledges his worthlessness whenever heâs confronted. As a result, heâs grown on me. I hate to admit it, but there you go.
As for you:
His brother⦠never told us why, and to be fair, we never asked
Ben Rothleiberger⦠the guy is a douche, possibly a rapist, but he IS clutch⦠which is why I hate him
Latrell Sprewell⦠choking his coach aside, he likes the guy
T.O.- the guy is a bit of a moron, but entertaining in his own way
Her ex⦠they have kids so she says she doesnât hate him, but after talking to her, she absolutely, positively hates him
The âpompous snobsâ on the English version of Top Gear because they bad- mouth America and our way of life, but he says that a lot of their pot- shots have a grain of truth
Hines Ward⦠quite simply, the guy plays for the Steelers so is a f**king piece of sh*t by association, but heâs actually a classy dude
Kim Kardashian⦠says her only redeeming quality is her, and I quote, âsweet, sweet assâ. While I agree that her ass is a thing sculpted by a loving God, He doesnât love us enough to also make her tolerable in any way. I truly detest her to my core.
After 9 days at Disney World with his kids, says he SHOULD hate Disney, but he doesnât
Says he should hate the Menâs Room, but he doesnât
Big Tobacco, but points out that cigarettes are just so damn tasty, he canât hate them
My favorite answer comes from Facebook, which is as unlikely a statement as you will ever read from me, but the answer they was that they WANT to hate that guy in the mirror, but heâs just so âdamn adorableâ
SIT AND SPIN
With Pain in the Grass coming up this Saturday, Jolene took us down memory lane and reviewed a lot of the bands weâve had the opportunity to see on our stage.  Jolene will tell you all about it- hereâs a link:
OK bitches, while I love you all like hot, buttered popcorn at the movie theatre, itâs time for me to go!
Until tomorrow, two fingers are fine, three wonât fit, so STAY BEAUTIFUL!â
Some of you figured it out, some of you resorted to angry e-mails, and some of you, no doubt, celebrated the fact that we were off all of last week. Sure, vacations are nice, but thereâs a universal truth about us taking vacation; itâs when the kind of thing we enjoy talking about MOST is bound to happen. Take last were for example; original Warrant lead singer Janie Lane left this mortal coil to pursue a cherry pie in the sky, the University of Miami was finally exposed as the fraud they are and have been for the last 35 years (but, of course, it wasnât made public until we were on vacation), but perhaps the most heartbreaking story from last week was that our favorite bank robber, Fat Tina, was finally apprehended. That was like a dagger in our collective heart. Other times we were on vacation, we missed out on one of Mel Gibsonâs more legendary anti- Semetic rants and Steve Irwin, the Crocodile Hunter, being taken out by Stingy Ray, the Crocodile Hunter hunter. Itâs like the party you chose not to go to only to find out that the Swedish all- girl softball team showed up horny, or the time you didnât go in with your co- workers on that lottery ticket⦠that just hit a million dollars⦠per player. We know you canât predict the future, but you can certainly bitch about the past, so hereâs your chance: WHAT COULD YOU HAVE DONE, BUT YOU DIDNâT⦠BUT WISH YOU DID?
Missed two Aerosmith shows on different Aerosmith tours
Chose not to have a three- way because heâd just started dating some chick⦠on the bright side, heâs still with her⦠on the other hand, didnât have a three- way
Wishes heâd accepted the invitation from Washington State University to go to their school
Should have bought the $30 grocery bag full of weed in Mexico⦠heâs right
Missed the chance to drink with Brad Pitt in Vegas a few years back⦠Brad was single and Brad was buying
Could have slept with a Rock Girl 6 years ago⦠says she was all over him but he turned her down because heâs clearly a moron
Could have gone to Cabo FOR FREE, but decided not to because she, like the man above, is a moron
Looking back, he really wishes heâd invested his $100,000 in gold back when gold was $400 an ounce/ itâs up to $1800 an ounce now. Maybe we shoulda listened to Glenn Beck? Nah!
Regrets not taking a nap⦠might be my favorite answer of the day
OK bitches, time to say adios, but before we go, glad to be back!
Until tomorrow, pour some sugar on me and STAY BEAUTIFUL!
Thereâs been a lot of talk about NAVY SEALs this summer, starting in May when SEAL Team 6 found and killed Osama âI love Whitney Houstonâ bin Laden and then on a much more somber note earlier this week when 30 American service members, most of them elite NAVY SEALs, INCLUDING members of Team 6, died when their helicopter was shot down over Afghanistan. Considering all they do, we wondered if these dudes are compensated well. When you think about what they do, or what you THINK you do, or what they deny ever having done, youâd like to think they get paid well. Hell, Ted knew a SEAL and couldnât figure out if the guy made money or not⦠but then, by their very nature, itâs unlikely that theyâre flashy. Thatâs the thing about a SEAL⦠they do the manliest, bad- assiest stuff and they canât tell anyone about it. Even in these days of Facebook, YouTube, Twitter, reality TV and self- entitlement, weâre guessing that thereâs something youâve done that you HAVENâT bragged about, so today we asked you to go ahead and brag: NOT TO TOOT MY OWN HORN, BUT IâM PRETTY AWESOME AT __________.
Here are the things you do that you donât brag about⦠but could;
Thumb wrestling
Call of Duty
Saying the alphabet backwards
Riding horses and teaching people to ride horses
Pool
Accents and impressions
Gives to charities (plural, bitches)
Making soups
Cooking
Soccer
Multi- tasking
Volunteers with kids
Baton twirling⦠before you laugh, he was the drum major for three years for U- Dub
Making blueberry muffins
Blowing smoke rings
As we anticipated, there were plenty of people speaking highly of their sexual prowess, including ladies who feel that they perform the best oral ever. Yea, where you ladies about 10 years ago, huh? Bitches.
Alright, weâre outta here.
Until next time, do what you do best and STAY BEAUTIFUL!â
A survey from www.mymemory.com reveals that 35% of peopleâs earliest memory is a trip to the dentist⦠THE DENTIST! Almost everyone who said that the dentist was their earliest memory pointed out that the fear and the pain are what made the memory stick. Fear and pain definitely have a way of being memorable. Thatâs why some of the other earliest memories include an accident or injury or a tooth falling out. There were some good first memories too⦠Iâll post the list for ye. Then thereâs 12- year- old Dale Ostrander from Spanaway; last Friday he was swimming off the coast of Long Beach WA when he was sucked under by a rip tide. He was under water for 25 MINUTES before being rescued⦠and I say rescued because he survived. No one expected him to survive, but he did. Then everyone assumed that heâd be brain dead, but heâs not. You can ask him yourself! Anyway, weâre confident that Daleâs whole âI was under water for 25 minutesâ story will be a memory he wonât struggle to recall later in life. We all have those memories (not being clinically dead for almost half an hour) and thatâs what we wanted to talk about today: IN YOUR OPINION, WHAT IS THE MOMENT THAT DEFINED YOUR CHILDHOOD?
Away we go:
Being picked up by the cops at age 10 for making Molotov cocktails⦠currently works for the fire department
Going to a radio station at age 5⦠currently enrolled in radio school⦠amen
His dad took him to McDonalds at age 6 and let him know that he was leaving his mother⦠rode off and didnât resurface again for another 20 years⦠had a Not- so Happy Meal
She woke up DURING her heart surgery⦠her SECOND heart surgery⦠by age 7⦠sheâs 28 now and is 11 heart surgeries deep
First time he saw a naked woman⦠it was a red head in Playboy and she changed his life
His step- brother kicked him in his man- satchel at age 5
She got a âbowlâ haircut as a little girl and was devastated⦠currently has super- long hair
First time his step- father made him sleep in the barn and woke him up with a bucket of cold water
Expelled in 4th grade after punching the principal in the face
His appendix ruptured when he was 13
His first memory involves a needle being placed into the shaft of his penis⦠apparently his circumcision didnât quite âtakeâ and had successive surgeries to correct the problem
His father committed suicide at age 12⦠sorry to hear that, my man
Almost drowned when he was 5
Got a finger bitten off by a horse at age 3
Got his face âripped offâ by a German Sheppard as a kid
OK bitches, Iâm outta here!
Until tomorrow, keep your hands to yourself and STAY BEAUTIFUL!â
The worldâs âperfectâ couple⦠that would be Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt⦠apparently have one recurring conflict. Seems that even a man of Bradâs stature canât escape the nagging of a wife. In this case, it has to do with his pot smoking. Brad likes the giggle- weed (knew there was SOMETHING cool about him) and instead of smoking it, oh, I donât know, in front of the KIDS, HE DISAPPEARS TO ONE OF SEVERAL âSECRETâ SPOTS OUTSIDE OF THEIR HOME AND BLAZES UP. If this story is to be believed (and who knows?), Angie has a problem with this and the two of them have it out every- so- often. The issue isnât about the kids or setting an example or any of that, itâs that Miss Lips believes smoking pot is âa filthy habitâ. Kissing your biological brother on the mouth is perfectly acceptable, but smoking weed, thatâs a no- no. At any rate- donât sweat it Brad, youâre not alone. Then thereâs a new Kings of Leon documentary (which Iâm sure will be just riveting) scheduled to debut on Showtime later this month. Apparently, the big, talk- worthy scene in the film involves drummer Nathan Followill confronting his brother, lead singer Caleb, about his drinking. Supposedly it gets a little dicey because when Caleb drinks he gets drunk⦠and when he gets drunk, he acts drunk. We donât really care, but we can certainly sympathize. Thereâs not a member of this show who hasnât been confronted about their drinking (or drug use) or general attitude 1000 times. Does it change anything? Not really, but thatâs how we roll. Today we want to know what you keep doing in spite of repeated requests to stop. If youâre like us, itâs drinking or drugs, but maybe you play video games too much, or scratch your butt or its poker night: WHATâS THE THING YOU DO THAT YOU ALWAYS HAVE TO HEAR ABOUT?
I KINDA get grief for everything, but then I also get NO grief about it at the same time. My wifeâs working philosophy is that itâs easier (meaning IâM easier) if you just let me do what I want to do.
Chewing his nails and then spitting them on the floor⦠where else are you supposed to spit them?
Watching pornâ¦
She talks to her bits⦠because sheâs CRAZY! I wonder if the birds look at her and thinkâ what the f**k is she saying?â
His girlfriend gets mad when he âsmokes on the crapperâ⦠and Iâm here to tell you that more eloquent words have never been spoken
His girlfriend gets mad at his road rage issues⦠is there a driver on the road who DOESNâT have road rage?
Heâs a jiggly guy⦠always bouncing his leg and canât stop
Always heres about spending too much money on smokes, weed and booze⦠to be fair, his girlfriend (whoâs doing the bitching) IS pregnant!
She cracks her knuckles all the time and it drives her boyfriend crazy
He talks to himself OUT LOUD⦠a sure sign of mania if ever there was one⦠isnât that right, Thrill? Yes Thrill, that is correct.
For some unimaginable reason, he always says heâs from Texas⦠truth is, heâs from New Mexico and has lived in the Pacific Northwest since he was 7- years- old.
Gets grief for always leaving a mess around the house
Constantly sings out loud, which is REALLY annoying⦠they said that their voice isnât âhalf badâ, which means it could be ALL bad or 95% bad, but definitely not âall goodâ either
Drinks one beer 3 to 4 times a week and gets the whole alcoholism speech from his wife⦠look lady, let the man have a Goddamn drink. Your nagging just might be the reason he drinks in the first place. Besides, not everyone who drinks becomes an alcoholic⦠in particular if theyâre drinking 3 or 4 beers a WEEK! Jesus
SIT AND SPIN
The 20th anniversary of Metallicaâs landmark âBlackâ album is this Friday. Think what youâd like about that particular opus, but it was a a f**king MONSTER! I could go on, but Iâm too lazy⦠and Jolene has everything you need to know about it here:
OK bitches, Iâm out.
Until tomorrow, tickle it a little and STAY BEAUTIFUL!â
So the U.S., Asian, European and Middle Eastern stock markets all tumbled today in a massive sell- off, in reaction to American debt being downgraded from AAA (the highest rating) to AA+, which is kinda like saying, âyouâre cute, but youâre not too brightâ. There are various criteria that go into determining a countryâs credit rating, but here in America we have a group of worthless, whining children known collectively as âCongressâ that single- handedly screwed us and everyone else in the world. You see, from the outside looking in, American politicians seemed fixated on partisan politics and lip- service, even in the face of holding the worldâs economy in their hands, and that kind of thing doesnât lend confidence to investors. Nor should it. Itâs like this; someone owes you $100 and they canât come up with a way to pay you back; they canât decide if they should cut ice cream out of their diet (because that would piss off one group of kids) or if they should cut going to the movies out of their weekly expenses (because that would piss off another group of kids) so they debate the merits of which should be cut first⦠worrying about the kidsâ reaction the whole time. Keep in mind, this same dead- beat also blows money on drugs, clothes they never wear, a collection of Pez dispensers, etc, and even though they OWE you money, they wonât even consider NOT blowing money on this stuff. In the meantime, you give them a deadline to figure out how the f**k theyâre gonna pay you back, and they FINALLY decide to cut back on safety pins. Meanwhile, youâre now charged with evaluating their trustworthiness after all of this debate and like any reasonable individual, you downgrade their status because obviously the person who owes you money is a short- sighted idiot. This is the case with Congress. So here we are, preparing for the value of the dollar to drop, thus, the cost of goods to go up. Prepare to feel poor. That leads to todayâs fill- in- the- blank question that is not a question: ITâS NO FUN BEING BROKE, BUT I HAVE TO ADMIT, I DIDNâT MIND ______________.
I really didnât enjoy being broke, but I was SO broke for SO long it was just an accepted state of existence. What I didnât mind was the lack of responsibility and the lack of solicitations. When you have no money, no one bothers you for any. No junk mail (never had a permanent address⦠couch surfed for the better part of a decade), no telemarketers (no phone to call me), no debt (no credit cards to create it) and you knew for a fact that if a woman liked you, she LIKED you⦠canât dig for gold in a place that has no gold. In that sense, I loved the âbrokeâ angle.
As for you:
Food stamps⦠ate better back in the day
Biking to work
Cheap booze⦠you never have to give up cheap booze!
Walking⦠like cheap booze, you donât have to stop walking because you have money
Riding the bus⦠Iâve always done it, but my reasoning is this; most people I know drive to work, and ALL of this tem bitch about the traffic, how much gas costs, etc, and the only payoff for them is that they drove angrily to a place they didnât wanna be in the first place. Thatâs just not something I can wrap my hear around.
When they were broke, they always found something to do
Used to spend more time with family
Would draw tattoo designs for extra scratch⦠did that for a while myself
Used to get up early, steal McDonaldâs Monopoly pieces and get free food
Mud wrestled for the first time ever last week for $90⦠won the event and is now considering doing it regularly⦠AMEN!
Used to make spaghetti nachos:Â Saltine crackers + melted cheese + spaghetti sauce = spaghetti nachos
The guy was actually ON HIS WAY to donate plasma for extra $$$
Giving up TV⦠found that itâs a GOOD thing⦠really?!? How can you live without âKeeping Up with the Kardashiansâ?!? HOW?!?
Misses buying in bulk
Ted's Sunburn
So Ted had some fun on a boat for Seafair this weekend, looks like he missed a spot with the sun block though. See anything in there?
OK, time for me to hit the road, bitches!
Until tomorrow, smile like a freak and STAY BEAUTIFUL!â
Once again, we go to the e-mails, but first, we go back to yesterdayâs show. During our award winning (???) segment âAsk the Menâs Roomâ, someone posed the question; if you were a professional athlete who was introduced to music (like a boxer or MMA fighter) what would your entrance music be? After a few suggestions, âFruit Saladâ from the Wiggles was chosen as Tedâs theme song. Naturally, we then played âFruit Saladâ, and like ALL kidâs songs, its God- awful, an absolute abomination of music, and yet, itâs insane catchy and addictive⦠like Easy- Cheese. Well, we got a mildly angry e- mail from a guy named Ziggy making that exact point. âFruit Saladâ got stuck in his head and he couldnât get it out. Itâs like a jingle, which is designed specifically to suck but be memorable. Itâs called an âear wormâ⦠and they suck, but thatâs the point of our question: WHAT SONG OR JINGLE GETS STUCK IN YOUR HEAD THE MOST?
Hereâs a list of terrible songs that will be stuck in your head:
âBarbie Girlâ⦠itâs his buddyâs ring tone⦠not sure I know the song, not sure I want to
The jingle from Progressive Auto Insurance
The Muppet Show theme⦠played that in 7th grade band class⦠I still see the notes in front of me
âI Got My Mind Set on Youâ by George Harrison⦠in my personal experience, having any song from George stuck in your head really sucks
The theme to the Brady Bunch⦠that was back in the days when TV show themes explained the entire plot of the show within the song;;; Beverly Hill Billies, Giliganâs Island, Brady Bunch, etc. All you had to do was listen to the theme to know what the show was all about
The Smurfâs âla- la- laâ theme⦠f**king addictive and awful, like heroin
Every morning as he gets up and prepares for work, he hears a commercial for âS.H.A.G.â and that sucks
âThe Power of Loveâ from Huey Lewis⦠and that is unfortunate
âCALL JG WENTWORTH⦠877 CASH NOW!â⦠ânuff said
âScooby- Dooâ theme
âFree Credit Report Dot Comâ⦠the guy sang the full version of two of them
âBelieveâ by Cher⦠thatâs gotta suck
CARLOS MENCIA
So Carlos Mencia joined us in studio for about 40 minutes and the guy was actually hilarious. Seriously. I never liked the guy before (granted, Iâd never met him) but he was f**king hilarious. It helps that heâs willing to drink tequila, but Iâm just saying that heâs a stand- up guy⦠no pun intended.
OK, Iâm outta here, bitches.
Until tomorrow, let me hear you scream and STAY BEAUTIFUL!â
Got an e-mail from a listener named Jay, and the point of his e-mail was that he took our suggestion and decided to imbibe in aha Toro tequila⦠a 5- year sponsor of our âshot of the dayâ. I wonât go through the entire e-mail (to protect the not- so- innocent), but here are the key points; started drinking in Belltown at 7 pm. By 10pm he was at a different bar⦠and he was FOURTEEN shots deep. Did Jay call it a night? No, Jay continued on to Freemont. He doesnât remember going to Freemont, or HOW he got to Freemont, but he DOES remember waking up at 4:30 in the morning⦠in jail⦠in a red inmate jumpsuit. By the time he was released from jail and reunited with his car, he ALSO discovered that heâd run up $1600 in credit card purchases of booze. Anyway, Jay doesnât remember the 6 hours between 10 pm and 4:30 am, but thanks to friends and an oh- so- handy police report, Jay was able to fill in the gaps, connect the dots and map out just what in the hell happened that night in January. Jayâs epic, if ill- fated adventure got us thinking about our own mysterious nights. Itâs not ALWAYS the result of booze; maybe it was drugs or a concussion or a car accident; today we wanted to know: WHAT HAPPENED THE LAST TIME YOU HAD TO ASK âWHAT HAPPENED?â
I truly have WAY too many stories to even begin to answer this question. In fact, Iâm not sure how this past Friday ended. Seriously. I woke up to my wife Saturday morning (headed to the gorge for Soundgarden) and I was fully clothed, laying in my own bed, so whatever happened, it wasnât TOO bad. Actually, I base that on the fact that my wife wasnât pissed. Thatâs a good thing, but I still havenât asked what happened.
Hereâs a small sample of your stories:
New Yearâs Eve â99 in Louisiana (âheh- heh- hehâ) he drank Everclear all night and woke up the next day in a trash can⦠proving that he drank Everclear all night
Simple equation: 3 raves in one weekend + lots of drugs = waking up in a van⦠in California⦠in a desert
Woke up reeking of puke, wearing womenâs clothes⦠turns out he was hog-tied and beaten by the cops, was released into a female friendâs custody, puked all over her car and himself, so she gave him the clothes she had at her disposal
Had three cups of mushroom tea and followed the highway reflectors to KENTUCKY
Flipped his truck and landed upside- down in water⦠found out that his son pulled him through the rear window, dragged his unconscious body up a hill, flagged down help and saved his life
Threw a party, blacked out and woke up in his own bed next to two naked chicks⦠didnât bother to ask âwhat happenedâ⦠just high- fived himself and bragged to his friends. Can you really brag about a threesome if you donât remember it?
Woke up in a hospital in wrist restraints and a catheter in his junk⦠turns out he was having seizures
Woke up with 2nd and 3rd degree burns on his hands⦠found out he WASNâT afraid to touch a hot grill⦠or a lit tiki torch
Woke up, quite literally, in a dog house⦠no dog in sight
Once woke up next to his wife⦠THREE MONTHS AFTER THEY DIVORCED
OK bitches⦠having one of those days.
Until tomorrow, shake it twice and STAY BEAUTIFUL!â
The Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration released a list of the states with the highest and lowest rates of addictions, vices and mental health issues. In most of the categories that involved vices and addictions, the notoriously dull state of Utah ranked the lowest⦠as in, they have the fewest addicts and abusers of vice⦠or as I like to say, âfun peopleâ. Not- so- shockingly, the state with the highest rate of suicidal thoughts is (drum roll please) UTAH! They have the fewest marijuana users, drinkers and smokers, so, naturally, they want to kill themselves. Just kidding. No Iâm not. On that note, there was a survey taken that shows that most people believe that drinking alone is TWICE as relaxing as spending time with family. To be fair, the only reason anyone believes that is because itâs absolutely true. Family is a lot of things, but ârelaxingâ isnât one of them. Thatâs not to say that family is the biggest CAUSE of stress, but they donât help. No offense. Maybe itâs your job, maybe itâs your lack of a job or maybe itâs the secrets you keep, but today we wanted to know: WHAT CAUSES THE MOST STRESS IN YOUR LIFE AND WHAT LEGAL (LEGAL, bitches) ACTIVITY DO YOU DO TO RELIEVE STRESS?
Being an adult stresses me out. Not so much the âresponsibilitiesâ of being an adult, as theyâre really not that big of a deal, but the things you recognize and know as an adult. Just paying attention to the political and economic landscape is enough to make you go crazy, but thereâs not much you can do about it. That being said, that kind of nonsense used to only irritate me, but now that Iâve spawned a new generation, these types of things take on a bigger meaning. It freaks me out that my daughterâs future is in the hands of the corrupt and the loudest few. Itâs probably been that way since the beginning of time, but it definitely stresses me out these days. So, what do I do to relieve stress? Drink⦠or draw.
As for you:
Stress is his joblessness, his relief is lots and lots of sex
Stress = his girlfriend, relief = his girlfriendâs vagina
Stress = lack of money, relief = shooting photographs. Shooting photographs of what?
Stress = money, or lack of it, relief = sailing⦠on his sailboat⦠which Iâm sure was dirt cheap and in no way has an impact on his money situation. (???)
Stress = money (see a theme here), relief = crime novels
Stress = her job (coordinates a bunch of different stuff for a bunch of different people), relief = Live Action Role Playing with her husband. Before you poke fun (which I was SO ready to do) one of the things they get to do is beat the sh*t out of people with sticks. There are days
Stress = his health, more specifically, his BAD health, relief = grilling food
Stress = bills, relief = pornography
Stress = busy social life, relief = violent video games
Stress = college, relief = rugby
Stress = work, relief = whiskey
Stress = work, relief = listening to our show
Stress = her mother (staying with her all summer), relief = wine
Stress = work, bills and his wife, relief = goes bowling or plays World or Warcraft
Stress = his dog ( a beagle), relief = shoots guns
Stress = other people, relief = Metallica and masturbation
Stress = his children, relief = sweet, sweet, silence
Stress = his kids, and theyâre over 18, relief = kick- boxing
Stress = money and wedding planning, relief = riding his motorcycle
SIT AND SPIN
Yesterday was MTvâs 30th anniversary, so honor the network I never bothered to watch (Iâm just like that) we covered the top 5 songs (as far as videos go) from the 80âs, 90âs and the⦠what do we call the beginning of the millennium? The noughts? The oughts? The double 0âs? Yea well, we covered those. Click here for the full list.
OK bitches, Iâm outta here.
Until tomorrow, take it like a man and STAY BEAUTIFUL!â
Only 40 years after the fact, the FBI has announced that they have a âcredibleâ lead on a possible suspect in the D.B. Cooper case. The feds are being fairly tight- lipped about the whole thing, but theyâve spoken with someone who just might have a âstrong connectionâ to Cooper. Although the feds took a few pot shots at D.B. Cooper, saying how âhe wasnât a mastermindâ and that his âapproach was amateurâ, Iâd like to point out to our friends at the FBI that he ALSO has been on the lam for 40 f**king years. If heâs NOT a mastermind, you guys should look into improving your hiring practices. Heâs outsmarted you for 4 decades. Just sayinâ. Itâs like calling the guy who kicked your ass a âp*ssyâ. Nevertheless, I wish them luck on their latest lead. Then again, so does D.B. Cooper⦠think of the money heâll make selling his story. If you really wanna screw the guy over, DONâT catch him. Meanwhile, Tacoma detectives are waiting for officials in Florida (it just HAD to be Florida) to have Ted Bundyâs DNA uploaded to the FBI database so that they can compare it to evidence collected in the 1961 abduction of then- 8- year- old Ann Marie Burr. Thereâs always been reason to suspect Bundyâs involvement, but without PROOF, there wasnât anything they could do. Weâre not in Texas, for Godâs sake. Either way, these are exciting days for the folks in the law- enforcement universe. You donât have to work in law enforcement to understand the satisfaction of solving a âcold caseâ. At any rate, plenty of crimes go unsolved and weâre betting that some of you have been a part of illegal shenanigans that went unsolved. Today we asked you to share: I CANâT BELIEVE I NEVER GOT CAUGHT DOING _________.
You canât believe you werenât caught when you:
Had sex with a chick on the lawn DURING the Soundgarden concert this weekend⦠sorry I missed that
Blew up 10 to 15 port- o- potties/ honey buckets/ port- o- loos/ spot-o- pots at a construction site⦠the only thing worse than having to take a sh*t in a port- o- potty is not having a port- o- potty around to sh*t in
Street raced at about 120 mph⦠blew by a cop who didnât bother to pursue
Burnt down a house at age 17⦠never found out if it was intentional or not
Exacted a little âvigilanteâ justice on a guy who raped a friend of his⦠Iâm not SUPPOSED to say this, but you did the right thing
Driving drunk⦠not cool, man. We say it all the time, but no one on this show drives and itâs primarily for one reason; you canât drink AND drive, so we stopped driving. Might be ridiculous, but itâs legal
Stole a gecko from Petco⦠swore they werenât a klepto, but they stole a lizard. Who the f**k steals a lizard?
Used to smoke weed on the roof of a church in Utah⦠ALMOST got caught, but managed to outrun the cops
Didnât get caught masturbating⦠during math class in high school⦠fantasizing about his math teacher⦠wiped his d*ck on a teddy bear in the back of the classroom
âTestingâ out her new vibrator in the drive- thru lane at the Jack- in- the- Box⦠which is very, very ironic
Had sex with his fatherâs girlfriend (f**ked up) and NOW sheâs his step- mother (REAL f**ked up)
CAKE
So over the weekend Bryan and Molly got married. We don't know either of them but we sure do like the picture they sent us of their groomsmen's cake. Way to go kids, enjoy the married life.
Until tomorrow, what ya gonna do when the whiskey donât work no more and STAY BEAUTIFUL!â
Remember Crystal Harris? Sheâs the 25 year old gold- digger woman and Playboy centerfold who ditched Hugh Hefner five days before their scheduled wedding this past June. Earlier this week, Crystal was on Howard Sternâs show where she claimed Hugh lasted âlike two seconds in bedâ. Two seconds. She also said that sheâd never seen Hugh naked (which I imagine to be a GOOD thing) and that in the two years they were together, they only had sex that one time⦠for two seconds. Naturally, Hugh immediately defended himself and said that none of it was true. Whateva! On the other end of the spectrum is Enrique Iglesias. This past Tuesday he was performing in Melbourne, Australia. For reasons we cannot explain, and choose not to speculate about, Enrique announced to the crowd, âI have the smallest penis in the world. Iâm serious.â (???) Then he brought a few random guys on stage and talked about their sex lives. At that point, he confessed that he finishes quickly in the sack. We can only assume heâs telling the truth because when most men lie about their d*cks and their âexpertiseâ in the bedroom, we go bigger and longer. This what we wanna know: WHAT UNFLATTERING THING COULD AN EX SAY ABOUT YOU THAT YOU KNOW TO BE TRUE?
Has Brooke- Spiegler disease⦠itâs too difficult to explain, so hereâs a link to freak you out.
Yea, sorry about that. Believe it or not, he has 5 kids, so someone doesnât mind
He shoot snot- rockets in the shower but doesnât clean them, leaving the tiled walls covered in a boog- crust
Rarely âfinishesâ⦠that sucks
Has a third nipple⦠we THINK! He has âsomethingâ grow in the middle of his chest in his 20âs but he doesnât know if itâs a cyst or a nipple. Take a look at the picture and decide for yourself
His feet stink, but bad enough that heâs above and beyond your normal human
Quick in the sack unless heâs on percs⦠the question is; is it better to last 90 seconds or 2 hours?
Canât say no to drinks⦠donât sweat it, my brother, neither can I⦠as a result, I had a child and sheâs awesome, so lots of booze + sex = a beautiful child.
He gets too clingy⦠whatâs up with that?
She snores⦠no big deal, EVERYONE snores, but she ups the ante by drooling profusely
Suffers from Behcetâs disease. Just Google it if you want....you don't want. Sorry about that too!
Has bad table manners, so bad that itâs âleave him worthyâ
Occasionally farts during sex⦠while I find it funny, I can see why a woman might not like it
He admits that he cares more about drugs than women
Wears too much cologne
Sleep walks and sleep talks⦠both sound very annoying
She eats a lot without getting fat, and that is good, but as a result of her constant eating sheâs also constantly farting⦠are we related?
Only showers once a week⦠heâs autistic and doesnât like the feel of water on his face. Yea, well, I hate paying bills, butâ¦
Admits that sheâs a lousy lay⦠yea, but like burnt bacon, itâs still sex
OK bitches, Iâve gotta split. Have âspecial, secretâ meeting tonight after work, and gotta prepare for tomorrow. Going to Soundgarden at the Gorge tomorrow so the wife and I need to get our camping crap together. If youâre going to Soundgarden⦠and you damn well should be⦠I might not see you, but youâll see me. Iâll be the black guy.
Until Monday, do what you do best and STAY BEAUTIFUL!â
The urban paradise and Heaven- on- Earth known as Aberdeen, Washington had been debating renaming a bridge after late Nirvana front man Kurt Cobain, but last night the City Council voted 10-1 AGAINST the resolution. Several citizens, as well as various council members spoke out against it, feigning concern about Kurtâs drug use, suicide and negative comments about Aberdeen. Anyone whoâs ever been to and everyone Iâve ever personally met who hails from Aberdeen also say negative things about Aberdeen, have been on drugs and, on occasion, would rather kill themselves than return to Aberdeen. This is not a slight on Aberdeen, just an observation, but then, not everyone appreciates the truth. Trust me⦠Iâm from Baltimore⦠itâs my home town and thereâs a big place in my heart for Charm City⦠but I wonât lie to you; for the most part, itâs a sh*t hole populated by people who demand nothing better than bush- league anything. Again, Iâm not taking a shot at my old stomping grounds, just pointing out the truth of the place. Nevertheless, its comments like that that would preclude anyone in Baltimore from âhonoringâ me for anything. Well, THAT, and I havenât done anything worth honoring. Actually, that might have more to do with it than anything else, but I digress. Today we wanted to know: WHAT IS THE PRIMARY REASON THAT YOU COULD NOT GET SOMETHING NAMED AFTER YOU IN YOUR HOME TOWN?
From New Orleans⦠recognizes its inherent stupidity and is honest about it
Nothing will be named after him because his last name is Wojciechowski, and no one is going to put that on anything
Burnt down a landmark in Oklahoma⦠Cache, Oklahoma if you care.
His father is a cop and busted so many people that no one would honor his family name
Heâs from Houston, and by his reasoning, nothing will be named after him because heâs not Mexican
Was the âbad seedâ in high school⦠the town was very happy to bid him adieu
He actually DID have a jail cell named after him in Oregon when he was in and out of juvy⦠his parents must be so, so proud
His last name is âKuntsmanâ⦠ânuff said
Was busted smoking weed in his younger days and has been known as the druggie of Cortland ever since
In his younger days he lived on the âbig islandâ of Hawaii and used to set fire to sugar cane fields⦠they wonât be naming anything after him
She made the local paper three times in ONE WEEK for âbeing stupidâ and was also the local âfreakâ
I know itâs supposed to be an honor to have something named after you, but was Betty Ford really THAT stoked to have the clinics named after her? Is Lou Gehrig really being honored with the disease? Is Tommy John flattered that they named a surgery after him? How about Monica Lewinski?
OK, Iâll leave you with that, bitches.
Until tomorrow, find your peace and STAY BEAUTIFUL!â
www.askmen.com actually lived up to its name and asked men a bunch of relationship questions as part of their 4th annual Great Male Survey. More than 70,000 men took part and answered everything from the importance of loyalty, looks, intelligence, money, to the necessity of having a prenup or how the courts treat men in divorce cases. We also received an e- mail from an Egyptian guy whoâs 27- years- old and in his first relationship. Said he THOUGHT he understood the female brain (which is the most ridiculous statement Iâve heard in about 37 years) but heâs discovered that he was wrong. No kidding. The subject of his e- mail read âIs it just me or are all women crazy?â Itâs not just him, all women are crazy. The general point of his e- mail was that his girlfriend finds a way to turn everything into an emotional debate. He was wondering if ALL women were that way or if he was with a lunatic. The short answer is yes and yes again⦠but thatâs OK because we love them (and their vaginas) anyway and for reasons I canât explain, they seem to love us (and our wallets) in return. Itâs been this way since time began and will continue until the end of it. Anyway, weâre talking relationships today: WHAT ARE THE THREE MOST IMPORTANT THINGS YOU NEED TO BE IN A RELATIONSHIP?
Non- smoker, good relationship with her father and trustworthy
Friendship, fidelity, love
Must have a job, must be OK in public, carry a conversation
Trust, honesty, spontaneity
Trust, tolerance for farting and beer
Looks, good sex and a job
Open minded, humor and communication
Trust, obedience and a great ass
Patience, good with money and willing to provide alone time
âHalf a brainâ, no sports junkies and no drama
Money, money, money⦠and this is from a guy
Space, secure, can cook
Looks, ability to communicate and not too crazy
Listen, shut- up, mediate
Patience, money, booze
Hot, funny, clean
Funny, hot, clean
Funny, fun, friendly
No smoking, no kids, can cook
Good sex, a job, confidence
I could go on, but I wonât. The long and short of it is this; women seem to want a guy with a sense of humor and guys want a woman who can avoid drama.
OK, Iâm outta here, bitches.
Until tomorrow, do the shimmy and STAY BEAUTIFUL!â
The Seattle Mariners have given baseball fans everywhere a legitimate reason to say âmy, oh myâ. As of last night, the Mariners have now lost 16 games in a row. Let me be the first to say congratulations. After losing to the Yankees last night, 10 â 3, the Mâs are now TWO games beyond their previous losing streak record of 14 games in a row in 1992. Speaking of streaks, remember the Chilean miners who spent 69 days trapped underground? Well, theyâve sold the rights to their story and now a movie is being made detailing (Hollywood style) their ordeal. Like the Mariners, the minerâs streak isnât a streak they WANTED to achieve, but they did. Thatâs not too different from our very own Thee Ted Smith, who is on a 40+ day sexless streak. Not a streak he wants to continue, but thereâs no end in sight. On the other hand, Miles has gone 75 days without a cigarette. Heâs also held true to his New Yearâs resolution for the first time in his life; to go to the gym at LEAST 4 days a week. Me, Iâve had a shot for the âshot of the dayâ each and every day since our show began⦠that would be 1,320 as of today. I think I should be dead soon. Today we talked streaks; we wanted your story: FOR BETTER OR WORSE, WHAT STREAK ARE YOU ON AND HOW LONG WOULD YOU SAY ITâS BEEN?
Personally, I didnât drink tequila for 15 years straight⦠then Aha Toro changed all that and now I drink it more than I probably should, but I donât care. Takes the edge off. And if there is no edge, it gives you one. When I first started in radio, I worked 21 months in a row without a day off, finally got A day off and then worked the next 13 months in a row without a day off. Thatâs not a streak Iâd ever like to repeat.
As for you:
At the time they texted (about 2:10 this afternoon), theyâd hit 18 red lights in a row⦠gotta think that road rage is right around the corner
Has had 4 poops a day for the last 4 months⦠impressive and disturbing all at the same time
Went on a 358 day cross- country trip with his wife⦠what impresses us is that theyâre still married
So far, sheâs introduced 12 men to their current wives⦠she MUST BE STOPPED! If you see her, run!
Has gotten a physical every year for the last 27 years⦠thatâs a good thing
Heâs on day 700 of getting yelled at by his wife over nothing⦠apparently heâs been married for exactly 700 days
Sexless since April 22nd
Same truck for 8 years
Has thrown up every day for the last 10 months⦠not on purpose, but having some kind of weird complications from a surgery
92 days of no sweets or junk food⦠good on ya
His father has had a Snickers bar every day for the last 31 years⦠heart hasnât exploded yet
Hasnât masturbated in 8 months⦠I can only assume that he either lost his hands or he lost his penis. Me and my penis are friends. We go way back
Has been sleeping in his car for the last 7 days⦠says heâs been visiting the area⦠sleeps in his car while visiting
Hasnât had sex in 5 years⦠again, not on purpose, heâs just ugly⦠or lacking game
No drink or smoke for 27 years⦠heâs 27 years old and says he simply has no interest⦠which I find incredibly strange
SIT AND SPIN
Some clubs you just donât want to join, and the so- called â27 Clubâ would be one of them. With Amy Winehouseâs recent trip to the other side of mortality has reminded everyone of this infamous club. It includes Jimi Hendrix, Jim Morrison, Kurt Cobain, Brian Jones and on and on it goes. Anyway, hereâs a link to the stories of the dearly departed.
OK bitches, Iâm outta here.
Until tomorrow, watch your whiskey and STAY BEAUTIFUL!â
âThe Daily Mailâ, a British newspaper⦠thatâs unaffected by the Rupert Murdoch phone hacking fiasco⦠recently ran an article about getting old, getting long in the tooth, getting drowsy before the dirt nap, etc. It wasnât one of those pieces about the threat of Alzheimerâs or the increased risk of heart attack or stroke, it was basically a checklist of things to let you know that you RAE getting old. You donât have to THINK you are, you just are. Iâll provide a few samples of the checklist below and you can evaluate yourself. Today however, we asked you to consider your own personal experiences that let you know that youâre getting old. Maybe youâre only 16, but you just got busted and are being charged as an adult; welcome to adulthood. Maybe your body aches in spite of the fact that you didnât do anything to hurt. Only you know. PHYSICALLY OR MENTALLY, WHAT WAS THE FIRST SIGN THAT YOU MIGHT BE GETTING OLD?
Before I get to your answers, here are some of the things âThe Daily Mailâ believes indicates your slow spiral into oldness:
Fall asleep in front of the TV⦠no
Wake up feeling stiff⦠affirmative
Groan when you bend down⦠not yet
Shocked by the sexual nature of music videos⦠donât even watch music videos
You hate noisy bars and restaurants⦠affirmative
You think teachers, cops and doctors look really young⦠well, not âreallyâ young, but youngish
You struggle to use technology⦠always have
You donât know any of the top 10 songs on the radio⦠affirmative, but I never have. Always hated pop music
You choose clothes based on comfort more than style⦠a little of both, I think, but I always assumed thatâs just what guys did
You take mid- afternoon naps⦠nope
You develop an interest in gardening⦠hate to say it, but yea
Thatâs only a few of the examples from the article, but Iâm not here to talk about the article, Iâm here to talk about YOU! So here are some of things that make you feel old:
When his stomach started hiding his penis
21- year- olds were born when he was a sophomore in high school
When how a woman looks fell to number 3 or 4 on his list of importance in his search for his mate⦠what are numbers one through three?
All night benders must be planned in advance
Hangovers last days, not hours
Was almost a grandmother at 36 years of age
The copyright on a video game they were playing was older than his girlfriend
Knew he was getting old when he started commenting on the FURNITURE in a porn
Knew they were old when they started LIKING it when theyâre carded
Officially has gray hairs on his man- satchel⦠as we understand it, thatâs the final place that the gray shows up
Has two divorces under his belt
MOOBS
When his doctor recommended fiber
Hair has started growing out of his ears
Started buying Preparation H FOR HIMSELF
Knew he was getting old when he realized that 4th of July fireworks are irritating
When it occurred to him that Adam Sandler isnât funny, he knew he was getting old
Canât stay awake past midnight
OK bitches, gotta go. Lots of crap to do at home.
Until tomorrow, go to rehab and STAY BEAUTIFUL!â
"So we were at Emerald Downs yesterday for 'Mens Room Day', which, I don't mind telling you, was AWESOME! Lots of people came out and we had a very, very good time. However, on behalf of black people across the country, one of my highlights was this 'lawn jockey' looking thing. See, when I was growing up, lawn jockeys were the stuff of racists, used to let you know that the person living in the house with the jockey in the yard was your garden- variety bigot. In these politically correct times, it's not something you see much anymore, but when I saw this little fella, well, I couldn't resist posing with him!"
âArrested Developmentâ, âJerichoâ, âFamily Guyâ, âFuturamaâ, âLaw & Orderâ⦠these are all TV shows that no one actually watched, but when they were cancelled, there was an uproar and the shows were saved⦠albeit temporarily. Itâs a situation where fans actually protected the product they liked most. Same thing just happened to 5 different breakfast cereals from Kelloggâs⦠including Cap Nâ Crunch. Kelloggâs was planning to get rid of these cereals due to plummeting sales, but lo- and- behold, when they announced their intentions, the public at large had a fit and the brands were spared. While weâre on the topic, Arthur Treacherâs Fish and Chips, Bobâs Big Boy and Howard Johnsonâs were some of the best, cheap restaurants around, but now you canât find them. Ah, yesteryear⦠thatâs the inspiration for todayâs question. Hop in the car and get ready for a drive down memory lane: OTHER THAN A HUMAN BEING, IF YOU HAD THE POWER, WHAT WOULD YOU BRING BACK FROM THE DEAD?
Lawn darts/ Jarts/ etc⦠every time we go back to the âgood old daysâ, lawn darts come up. Seems that anyone whoâs ever played loved playing. In the end, they were made illegal after a few people took a 5 pound dart to the head.
Briscoe County Junior⦠former FOX tv show starring the incomparable Bruce Campbell
Guitar Hero⦠is the age of Guitar Hero over? If so, that didnât last very long. That game was all the rage and now itâs gone the way of the pet rock?
Rice Crispy Treats Cereal⦠according to the caller, itâs the greatest cereal ever⦠Ted confirmed this
Animaniacs
Capital Punishment⦠says itâs a lost art
âSpace Food Snacksâ⦠peanut butter and chocolate
Saturday morning cartoons⦠not these 3-D- looking âeducationalâ cartoons theyâre running now, but the low- budget, decidedly NON- educational cartoons yore
Pre Pay- per- view WWE wrestling⦠you know, when they wrestled and didnât talk⦠and talk and talk and talk and talk
The Sonics
Sea Monkeys⦠I think you can still get them, but why?
Free baggage when you fly
$15 concert tickets⦠thatâll be the day
And now, the saddest response of the day- his PENIS⦠diabetes + 3 tours in Iraq + a âtragicâ accident = no penis
OK bitches, Iâm outta here for the weekend. Truly hope to see you on Sunday at Emerald Downs from 2 â 4 where we will bet and lose money on the ponies. More importantly, we will be consuming copious amounts of alcohol.
Until Monday, do what you do best and STAY BEAUTIFUL!â
Between February and July of last year, a gentleman by the name of Fernando Flores worked as a bodyguard for Britney Spears. Well, for reasons we donât know⦠or care⦠heâs filed a lawsuit against her for $10,000,000 dollars. Among a laundry list of other complaints, he accuses Britney of farting (oops, I did it again!) and picking her nose âunapologeticallyâ, not showering or using deodorant with any regularity and worst of all (?), he claims that she never, ever brushes her teeth. As has been well- documented, I fart all the time, Miles makes no bones about picking his nose, but we all shower and brush our teeth. We all poop too, but Ted has made it clear that he doesnât appreciate our poop updates. He doesnât want to know about it, which, of course, only makes us share more details with him. On the other hand, we all agree that we donât enjoy conversing with the office âclose- talker guyâ. Itâs unnerving. Then thereâs the mouth- breather guy (known as Darth Hadji) who occasionally gets on the elevator with us and makes our collective skin crawl. Oh, and if you whistle around Miles, just know that he secretly hates you. And ladies, seriously, how much perfume do you really need to wear? I mean Goddamn! So the point of all of this is our question: WHO DO YOU DEAL WITH EVERY DAY THAT HAS A VERY ANNOYING HABIT OR TICK?
The co- worker who says âmuchâ, well, too much⦠a few examples; you trip- âwalk much?â, typo- âtype much?â and on and on it goes
His old boss would always cough but never cover his mouth⦠I only do that when Iâm around a known germaphobe who works in this building. Sheâs a bitch, so I like to freak her out by coughing next to her
Hates the guy who chews with his mouth open⦠yea, just annoying
The guy who sits behind him at work hums all day
Every time her husband farts, he lifts his leg and grabs his butt cheek. In other news, her husband is awesome
His brother- in- law whistles all day every day
Co- worker who talks to him as soon as he gets on the phone⦠why do people do that? What do they think youâre doing?
His girlfriend⦠she wonât close the door when she goes to the bathroom. Nothing sexier than watching a woman sh*t
Her husband spends the first 10 minutes of every morning clearing his throat, then flushes his nose with water and blows his nose into the sin
His mother- in- law mumbles when she talks⦠chalk that one up to a victory
Her 19- year- old daughter hocks loogies âall the timeâ⦠says she sits on the front porch smoking her cigarettes and hocking loogies. Now THAT is sexy
Her husband blasts snot rockets in public all the time
OK bitches, my ass is about to explode. Well, itâs been exploding all day, but this time itâs gonna explode with a Lehar on the back end.
Until tomorrow, donât pull my finger and STAY BEAUTIFUL!â
So DMX was released from prison yesterday and, according to his manager, D pledged to never return. Hereâs the thing about DMX⦠the guy goes to jail with the same frequency that most people go to the bathroom. Weâre sure he doesnât WANT to go back to prison, but, frankly, heâs not smart enough to avoid jail. I donât say that to be spiteful, I say that because DMX is to âstupidâ what water is to âwetâ. Truth- be- told, itâs what I like about the guy. Anyway, we donât believe his proclamation that he wonât go back to the clink. His list of legal issues reads like an âIdiots Guide to Being an Idiotâ. Then thereâs Lindsay Lohan who recently stated that she no longer drinks alcohol. She actually said it with a straight face⦠a gentle reminder that sheâs a pretty good actress. Hereâs a woman who shows up in court with the tell- tale ring of crusted cocaine adhered to her nostrils, set off the alcohol monitor on her ankle DURING her house arrest and then, on the night she was released from house arrest, went to the bar and got sh*t- faced. Hey, thatâs exactly what Iâd do too, but Iâm not trying to convince anyone that Iâm NOT drinking. On the other hand, I have, during the throes of a vicious hangover, swore Iâd ânever drink againâ. I knew I was lying when the words came out of my mouth, but there you go. Today we celebrate the consistent lies we all tell with a fill- in- the- blank style: THIS TIME ITâS DIFFERENT, BUT I REALLY PROMISE NOT TO DO _________________ AGAIN.
Hereâs a small sample of some of the things youâve sworn you wonât do it again⦠even though we donât believe you:
Fart in the office⦠perish the thought! Fart on, my brotha!
Bite her nails
Actually quit smoking 17 months ago and hasnât looked backstop drinking to the point of blacking out⦠sounds good in theory, but you never know youâre blacked out until the next morning
Will actually go to the doctor, something I need to do⦠the difference is that he needs to go to find out why he keeps having strokes and heart attacks. Dude, go to the f**king doctor.
Never date a single mother again⦠I agree, I only date MARRIED women with children
Will never gain weight again⦠weâll see
Wonât get drunk at a wedding again⦠itâs not that he has a problem with it, itâs that his WIFE has a problem with it. Ladies, honestly, men HATE going to weddings, let us drink⦠itâs the only thing that makes them bearable
LSD⦠wonât do it again. Funny thing about LSD is you need to do it twice to really enjoy it. The first trip is always not- so- good while the second time is awesome⦠or so Iâve been told
Drunk dial hot chicks⦠he screwed up a good thing. Drunk dialing is never, ever a good thing
OK bitches, Iâm out.
Until tomorrow, gooooo Sounders and STAY BEAUTIFUL!â
You know this fella? He's robbed 2 banks in Pierce County. No one knows his real name yet, what should we call him? Leave a comment, text to 77999Â or send an email to themensroom@kisw.com. Or call Crimestoppers @Â 253-591-5959
So a lot has been made of the phone- hacking scandal involving Britainâs âNews of the Worldâ tabloid and its owner, Rupert Murdock⦠the man behind FOX News, the Wall Street Journal, the New York Times and CEO of News Corp, the largest media conglomerate on Earth. A man with that kind of power would leave you to believe that heâd be a tough guy to reach, but as he sat before British Parliament today, feigning ignorance about how his operations operate, he was hit in the face with a cream pie. Funny stuff⦠and it SHOULD be, as the man behind the fluffy assault is British comic Johnny Marbles. If youâre like us, youâve never heard of the guy before⦠but after slapping Rupert (what a sh*tty name) in the face with a pie, weâll ALL hear for a while. Heâs taking a page from Richard Heene, whose name you might not recognize, but only because you know him better as âBalloon Boyâsâ father. How about Andrew Meyer; ring any bells? No? What if I include the phrase âdonât Taze mo, bro!â Yea, thatâs him. How about journalist Muntadhar al- Zeiti? Nothing? Heâs the guy who threw a shoe at former President George Dubya. These guys are the impetus for our question of the day: FOR BETTER OR FOR WORSE, WHATâS THE ONE INCIDENT THAT PUT YOU ON THE MAP?
If I were in a snotty mood, Iâd say that the thing that âput me on the mapâ in high school in Baltimore was my ability to read⦠but Iâm not feeling snotty, so just ignore reference.  *ahem * Actually, in high school I was the porn supplier for hundreds of horny teenagers. Some guys dealt drugs, some guys dealt guns, I dealt porn magazines. No internet back then, so magazines were the coveted choice for many an erect teen. Another gentleman and myself found an effective way of stealing all the magazines we needed and then selling them at cover price to the aroused client base. Made decent money for two years until the worst possible authority caught wind of my operation⦠not the cops, but MY MOTHER. Bad enough to have a conversation with your mother about porn; worse when itâs about you selling it to other kids.
As for you:
Shown on ESPN beating a guy up during a special about violence at NCAA events. He was a male cheerleader (stop laughing) and ran up into the stands to drag a student down to the basketball court after that student beat up the mascot⦠the Oregon Duck, in case you were curious.
Went to prison for 3 and a half years for armed robbery with a deadly weapon⦠not the kind of âcelebrityâ he was hoping for
Once punched his friend in the stomach⦠his friend- rather unexpectedly- shat himself. He is now known as Colin Pow
Once stood up to 3 high school seniors and managed to kick one guyâs ass⦠ONE guyâs ass
Known for his âdorky- ass, goofy laughâ⦠not from Top Shelf
Got her lung punctured getting a boob job⦠a few weeks later, one of them sprung a leak⦠a year later, one of them popped. Says sheâs a âstatisticâ, we say she picked a sh*tty doctor.
His picture was used in a textbook about puberty⦠AWKWARD
His âplumberâs crackâ was intentionally featured on a LIVE TV broadcast during Seafair on KIRO- 7. He had no idea, of course, but his phone started blowing up with all of his friendâs laughing at him. Still gets grief for it
SIT AND SPIN
Jolene has the fortune/ misfortune of being the KISW music director. Sure, itâs cool to know you program THE f**king powerhouse of rock radio in the country, but that doesnât mean that everything that shows up on her desk is any good. Today we gave a listen to some of the random stuff. Hereâs a link: Yup
MENS ROOM ORIGINAL RED
So now that weâve launched a beer with proceeds going to the Fisher House, everyone with a beer is now funneling money toward military related charities⦠and we couldnât be happier to get that ball rolling. It really is a cool thing. However, itâs been irritating that the local media will cover ALL of them, but never us. We get it, weâre âbadâ and âvileâ and all that bullsh*t, but it ainât about us, itâs about the charities. Maybe they get it, maybe they donât, but after calling out our local âcoverageâ, a local guy named Dave gave us a little love: Check it.
Alright bitches, thatâs a wrap.
Until tomorrow, pick it, lick it and STAY BEAUTIFUL!â
Youâve probably heard, but the economy sucks and the people charged with straightening this mess out are a bunch of partisan douche- bags. However, itâs these partisan douche- bags, known as Congress and the White House, who will be trying to hammer out a âdealâ. At issue is the so- called âdebt ceilingâ⦠the amount of money theyâre willing to let the country owe. Wonât get into the nuts and bolts of it because thatâs not exactly what we want to talk about today, but it did get us thinking about our own personal finances⦠or lack thereof. While most of us arenât as reckless or slow to act as the feds, weâve almost all have been on the brink of financial ruin. Hell, some of us, myself included, have completely gone into the deep end of the penniless pool. Bad investments, quitting a job, marriage, divorce, kids, college, drugs⦠today we wanna know: IF IT WASNâT FOR ___________, I BET IâD HAVE MONEY IN MY POCKET?
Iâm one of those people who was completely broke for about the first 35 years of my life. The long and short of it was my undeterred laziness and addiction to a plethora of narcotics and booze⦠or as I like to call it, âthe good old daysâ. Anyway, being on the edge of collapse never bothered me much (you get used to it and, frankly, if you have no particular plans to survive beyond the next 48 hours, planning for your âfutureâ consisted squarely of buying your next fix) but I stumbled into a financial black hole when I had to file for bankruptcy. Essentially, got myself a $20,000 medical bill, the hospital wouldnât accept a payment plan, so I had to file for bankruptcy. Really awesome. Now I blow my money on kid.
Hereâs where youâve gone wrong:
Heroin⦠did it for 5 years and has been clean for the last 12 months. Hereâs the kicker; heâs currently 19
His 40 foot antique wooden boat⦠itâs all good now, but right after he bought it, the economy went to sh*t and it screwed him up for a while
All of his girlfriends⦠Iâm happy to say that I was always cheap, so I never lost much money on women
Weed⦠smokes about $40 worth a DAY
His wife⦠yea, because sheâs your wife
On-line video games
Lost his money on porn and paid sex webcams⦠Iâd get it if you couldnât do the same thing for FREE. Just sayinâ.
Concerts⦠is it the concerts or, say, Ticketmaster?
His house⦠like a lot of us, he bought a house before reality set in and now, his house, like mine, is worth less than his mortgage. THE AMERICAN DREAM!
In his words, the thing that has cost him the most money is âp*ssyâ
Had TWIN girls⦠ânuff said. Itâll only get worse
Has two kids, a limited education and drinks and gambles
Chewing tobacco to the tune of $6 a day for 19 years⦠adds up to about $41,000
Wedding, Disney World and a trip to Mexico in 3 months
Child support⦠no one has a problem paying for their child, but in the fine state of Washington, the government wraps their dirty fingers around about one third of that money⦠because they care about your KID⦠no, really, they do⦠seriouslyâ¦* cough *⦠aw, who are we kidding?
If it wasnât for diabetes heâd save $600 a MONTH on insulin alone⦠points out that methadone is free
Tried to start a solar panel business⦠not exactly sure what happened, but he, somehow, blames e-bay for âripping him offâ
OK bitches, time for me to head to that bastion of beauty and upward mobility known as Greenwood. Iâll talk to you tomorrow.
Until then, smoke what youâve got and STAY BEAUTIFUL!â
So the Emmy nominations were just released and pretty much all the same TV shows that are always nominated were nominated again; Mad Men, Modern Family, Glee, etc, etc. Well, one of the main writers and the âmain manâ behind the nominee less âSons of Anarchyâ, Kurt Sutter, offered a series of tweets giving his opinion about the Emmyâs. In a nutshell, he says heâs glad his show received no nominations because he can avoid schmoozing with the self- important blowhards at the Television Academy and then he poked fun at the cast of âGleeâ⦠which, letâs face it, is easy to do. Then thereâs Seahawks receiver and donut thief Golden Tate, who tweeted his dismay that NASCAR driver Jimmie Johnson was up for âAthlete of the Yearâ at the ESPY Awards. He wasnât knocking NASCAR, but like most people, he doesnât believe drivers are athletes, he believes that theyâre really good drivers. Whether you agree with these gentlemen or not, they inspired todayâs question: WHO DO YOU HAVE ABSOLUTELY NO RESPECT FOR⦠AND WHY?
The easy answer for me is pop stars, but not because theyâre popular or whatever, I just HATE it when theyâre called musicians or that theyâre performing âmusicâ. Yea, Iâm snobby like that, but I canât abide by it. There are exceptions, but overall, most canât sing, write or play, but they can dance. Hate it.
His step sisters⦠high school drop outs, teen moms and junkies
Seattle Mayor Mike McGinn⦠no experience, cost of parking and too many bikes
Obama⦠cutting care to disabled vets
Doug Hutchinson⦠heâs the 51- year- old actor who married the 16- year- old girl from Washington State. Is he creepy? Yep, but I maintain that the real villains are the girlâs parents who condoned the marriage. Donât sweat it though, it wonât last.
Rachel Ray because sheâs Rachel Ray
LeBron James⦠his lame play in the NBA Finals
Ray Lewis⦠believes that Ray is a murderer
Airline attendants⦠thinks theyâre useless
Brad Childress⦠former Vikings coach because at one point he was a current Vikings coach
Hooligans because theyâre hooligans
Perez Hilton because heâs a gossipy, whiny p*ssy
People on scooters⦠probably because Miles rides one
âDoctorâ Drew Pinksky⦠exploits the addicted. I agree, the guy is a piece of sh*t
Scientologists⦠not for what they âbelieveâ, but because of what they deny. No problem; itâs not a religion, itâs a pyramid scheme
Strippers who call themselves âexotic dancersâ⦠she was a former stripper⦠and I couldnât agree more
Mitt Romney based on his stance on weed
Glenn Beck⦠donât worry about some hack like Beck, worry about the people who take him seriously
OK bitches, itâs Friday and Iâm outta here. Tomorrow Iâll be headed to the Sounders game so I can scream my face off and drink myself to oblivion (itâs what I do) maybe Iâll see you there⦠although, even if I do, thereâs no chance Iâll remember.
Until Monday, do what you do best and STAY BEAUTIFUL!â
Maybe you remember the story of the 17- year- old Chinese kid who sold one of his kidneys to buy an iPad 2. Essentially, he found an organ broker (scum bag) online, went to the hospital, underwent the surgery, made his money (about $3000 dollars) and got himself a shiny new iPad. To the surprise of absolutely no one, he now says he regrets his decision as his health is deteriorating. Then thereâs 21- year- old Patrick Brooks of Redding, California; sure, he got busted for trying to cash a stolen check, but what sets him apart from your average petty thief is the tattoo on his forehead that reads âF**K YOUâ. Iâm a massive fan of tattoos and support anyone who wants to get one, except maybe this guy. Itâs a stupid idea. Anyway, his and the Chinese kidâs stories inspired todayâs question: OTHER THAN A RELATIONSHIP, WHAT DO YOU TRULY BELIEVE IS THE DUMBEST DECISION YOUâVE EVER MADE?
Tried to rob a pharmacy for methadone, but got beat up by the pharmacist and spent 15 months in prison
Got his sister a cell phone in his name, she ran up a $3500 bill in ONE month⦠spent 17 hours a day on the phone
Moved to Bremerton and hates it
Bought a house 3 years ago and is now 80 grand in the hole⦠join the goal
Tried to drink 11 Flaming Dr. Peppers⦠he was successful and thatâs why it was a dumb decision
Inherited $42,000 at age 18 and blew it in one year on weed⦠so whatâs so dumb about that?
Tried to trim his junk with a dull electric razor
Got âNissanâ tattooed on his chest
Dropped out of college even though his parents were paying for it⦠works as a mall cop now
Sold 5 acres in Napa for $475,000 in 1998⦠worth over a million $$$ now
Regrets the Confederate Flag tattoo on his back
Raced his car in the rain, flipped it, launched it and pretty much sh*t his pants
Put Icey- Hot on his man- satchel⦠never a good idea
Tried to shoot left- handed and ended up with a broken nose
Got drunk and branded his arm with a fire poker
Got 3 DUIâs in one month
OK bitches, Iâm out of here for the night. Read Tedâs blog⦠itâll make him feel better!
Until tomorrow, rock on, rock out and STAY BEAUTIFUL!â
In a recent interview, Shia LeBeouf did what he does best⦠ran his mouth and pissed people off. First it was Harrison Ford who complained about LaBeouf after Shia said that the fourth installment of the Indiana Jones franchise (âKingdom of the Crystal Skullâ) sucked. To be fair, Shia was right; the movie sucked terribly. More recently, Shia confessed that he and Megan Fox enjoyed coitus when they were filming the âTransformersâ movies. Wouldnât be a big deal if Megan hadnât been dating her current husband, Brian Austin Green, at the time. Sure, Megan and Brian were on a supposed âbreakâ, but Shiaâs comments have caused a rift in the Fox/ Green household. And then thereâs Pittsburg Steelers linebacker James Harrison, speaking about NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell; calling Goodell a âdictatorâ wasnât all that bad, but adding that he wouldnât âpiss on him if her were on fireâ, well, thatâll cause some problems for him. This leads to todayâs question, which is not a question, but a fill- in- the- blank: MAYBE THINGS WOULD HAVE WORKED OUT BETTER IF IâD SAID _________ INSTEAD OF _________.
Said âdid you get new boobs?â, SHOULD have said âyou look greatâ to the co-worker who had obviously just gotten new boobs. Got written up and eventually forced out of a âgoodâ job
Said âyesâ to a drunken booty, SHOULD have said ânoâ⦠got a D.U.I. on the way
Said, âI wish you WOULD try to take my ass to jail!â, SHOULD have said, âsure officer, Iâll go to jail.â The end result is the same, but things could have been smoother
Said , âwow! You actually moved!â to an ex during sex. SHOULD have said anything other than that.
Said âgo f**k yourself!â, SHOULD have said, âsorryâ⦠now heâs divorced
Said âYOU FAT COW, YOU RUINED MY LIFE!â, SHOULD have said, âpass the Pop-tartsâ
Said âyou have food on your other chinâ, to a morbidly obese teacher, SHOULD have said anything but
At 6 years old, she said âI f**ked my tooth outâ, SHOULD have said âI KNOCKED my tooth outâ
Said âIâve killed people for lessâ, should have said âno problemâ to the staff at Jack- in- the- Boxâ
VACATION
So we were gone the last week and a half and apparently, people werenât entirely aware of that fact, so when we got back today, we were greeted with many, many hostile e- mails. We appreciate that you prefer our show as you know it, but whatâs with the hostility? Really, we love doing what we do, but every- so- often we take a little time off. Itâs not a personal affront, just one of those things. One guy actually e- mailed to ask why he heard his own voice on the radio in spite of the fact that he wasnât calling us. That guy might have been the least in- touch gentleman. Anyway, weâre back, weâre glad to be back and will be back for a while. Hell yea. Seriously, we might be the only people who look forward to coming BACK to work⦠and here we are. Hola!
Until tomorrow, whip it out, shake it and STAY BEAUTIFUL!â
Barbeques, cookouts, fireworks, jet-skis, water-skis, road trips, river floats, camping, hiking, hunting, fishing, picnics⦠ITâS 4TH OF JULY WEEKEND; WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
Personally, I have no clue. Hoping to get some sleep⦠something I rarely do⦠hang out with my kid⦠I donât know what else. Thereâs a possible cookout at my place on the 4th, but I donât know. I donât really make plans, I just kinda show up where Iâm told and assume there will be booze. My life story.
As for you, hereâs the holiday weekend you can look forward to:
Hiking⦠although heâs doing it to celebrate Canada Day
Working⦠told us to f**k ourselves, so we will
House work⦠now THATâS living!
Video games followed by the Freemont Zombie Walk⦠they actually go hand- in- hand
Celebrating his 21st birthday on July 4th, so heâll be doing a pub crawl on the main drag on Snohomish⦠he THINKS heâll be doing a pub crawl⦠weâre convinced heâll make it to two bars that he remembers and then the third location will be nothing but stories his friends share with him
Going to Rush at the Gorge
Going to the LeMans and GTO car show in Portland and then going surfing with his lady, who he confessed is about a 6 on a scale of 1 to 10⦠but heâs also bringing a handle of captain Morgan, so sheâll be a 9 by the end of the weekend
Boats and booze
Baseball and fireworks
Illegal fireworks at home⦠remember, itâs only illegal if you get caught
Heâs broke so heâs staying home, but he pointed out that he has an outdoor grill, so thereâs something
Going to a family reunion⦠for a guy like me, thatâs not a good thing
Off to L.A. to support the sounders as they face the MSL leading Galaxy
Headed to Eugene for a âhuge partyâ⦠a.k.a., headed to Eugene to get arrested
Going to NYC and then DC for a little east coast style Independence Day celebration, also known as getting shot for no good reason
Going to do two women at the same time⦠HAPPY INDEPENDENCE DAY!
Going to Finland to see Iron Maiden and Alice Cooper in Helsinki
OK bitches, itâs Friday AND itâs a 3- day weekend. Iâm outta here. Have a good weekend and get your Independence on!!!
Weâll be back on Wednesday the 13th⦠or whatever.
Until then, do what you do best and STAY BEAUTIFUL!â
So, you discovered a Chase Bank bag containing $17,000 in cash sitting next to a Walgreenâs ATM. Like me, you take the bag⦠UNLIKE me, you take the bag and return it to Chase Bank. Youâre not looking for a reward, you just want to do the âright thingâ. In the end, it cost you $500 for your trouble. Why? You lied to the cops about where you found it. Sure, it was next to a Walgreens ATM, but not the one you said, so in spite of your good intentions, you DID file a false police report. That will be $500 please⦠and thank you. Thatâs what happened to Robert Adams. Of course, you COULD be Mathew Scheurich, a guy who just wanted to âget away from it allâ, so he and his girlfriend headed to remote Papua New Guinea to just kinda escape the silliness of the âcivilizedâ world for a few months. It was a great plan right up until his girlfriend was raped and he was shot in the chest with three arrows AND bashed over the head with a rock. Hey, things happen. Sometimes our best intentions crash and burn, and thatâs our question: WHEN DID DOING THE RIGHT THING BITE YOU IN THE ASS?
I try desperately to never do the ârightâ thing and I seldom have good intentions, so I donât have an answer to this. Actually, Iâm sure I do, but I canât remember anything.
Gave a âbumâ money, cop assumed it was a drug deal- he had an 8th of weed on him and went straight to jail
Turned in some thieves and got blamed for the theft
Girl he went to a party with O.Dâd and he got arrested for underage drinking⦠oh, and she accused him of raping her
Was on unemployment, got a job and made less money
Adopted a dog from the shelter and was literally bitten on the ass⦠the first guy to have a literal answer to todayâs question
Tried to get some dogs out of the road so they wouldnât be hit by a car⦠they werenât and neither was he⦠he was hit by a TRUCK
Found a womanâs purse which still had her license and credit cards in it⦠tracked her down and returned the purse⦠she accused him of stealing it in the first place
Was in rural Texas driving across the state when he gets flagged down by a cop whoâd run out of gas and needed a lift to the gas station⦠after accommodating the copâs request, he was cited for driving with open containers and given a $1500 ticket
Got married and adopted the womanâs kid/ she cheated on him and now heâs still on the hook for child support
There were tons more, but they were very detail- oriented and, frankly, itâs way too much to type⦠for a guy like me anyway.
Thereâs an email going around the world wide web that was written by a young woman who allegedly had her toes sucked by Quentin Tarantino⦠while he pleasured himself. Yes, you read that correctly. Is it true? Who knows, but the story has gone viral and, frankly, we find it funny. Besides, weâve heard that Quentin has a thing for feet⦠just didnât realize the magnitude of his fetish. To be fair, the only difference between a fetishist and a NON-fetishist is that a fetishist ADMITS he has a fetish. We ALL have a fetish of some kind and today we wanted to know yours: WHAT ARE YOU INTO THATâS JUST A LITTLE BIT STRANGE?
Changes her underwear 5 times a day and owns over 700 pair
Woke up at a girlâs house and realized she had horror dolls all over the place
Not a lesbian, but loves watching girl- on- girl porn⦠thatâs OK, Iâm not gay but love nothing more than seeing a man named ME get it on with women
Likes having his back âpickedâ⦠not entirely sure what that means, but itâs what he likes
Enjoys throwing insects into spider webs⦠and spiders thank him
Loves to dress up like a cowboy, likes to dress up like a cowboy and go to the gun range⦠likes to dress up like a cowboy SO much heâs spent $30,000
Loves women in pantyhose⦠absolutely obsesses about it and actively seeks them out
Likes to choke his woman during sex⦠most guys like to choke their women during arguments
Popping zits⦠just loves it
The man is uber- attracted to pregnant redheads⦠seriously
Utensils⦠spoons specifically, and thatâs not weird at all, you f**king freak
Into scarification⦠discovered his fetish when an ex used to get all âcuttyâ during sex
Digs chicks with freckles
OK, Iâm outta here.
Until tomorrow, eat your quesadillas and STAY BEAUTIFUL!â
Russian astronomer Andrei Finkelstein (an unfortunate last name in ANY language) is predicting that humanity will encounter âalien civilizationsâ by the year 2031. Heâs not saying weâll be visited, just saying weâll find evidence based on our own technological advances. Guess weâll find out. Speaking of predictions, the website 24/7 Wall Street just released their annual list of brands they believe will go belly- up in the next 18 months; Sony Pictures, A&W, Saab, American Apparel, Sears, Sony Ericsson, Kelloggâs Corn Pops, My Space, Soap Opera Digest and Nokia. Maybe you agree, maybe you donât. Thing is, everyone makes predictions, but the ones we wanted to hear about today were the ones you made about yourself. In other words, think back to your childhood, when you were convinced youâd be a cop, fireman, doctor, astronaut, lawyer, or if youâre a woman, a âprincessâ. Chances are, things didnât work out that way. Oh well. Today we wanted to know: WHAT DID YOU WANT TO BE GROWING UP, WHAT DO YOU DO NOW AND WHAT DO YOU THINK YOUâLL BE DOING IN 20 YEARS?
Wanted to be a radio host since age 9(thank you Dr. Demento) now Iâm a radio host and in 20 years Iâm hoping to be off the grid, so to speak. Wanna retire and disappear. Yea, Iâm that guy.
As for you, hereâs what you wanted to be, what you are and where you think youâll be in the future⦠future⦠future.
Stunt man/ international customs clerk/ international customs clerk
Astronaut/ roadie/ record producer
Rock star/ remodeling contractor/ dead⦠see kids, dreams DO come true
Cop or FBI agent/ financial officer at a hedge fund/ retired
Drummer/ delivers flowers⦠and drums/ drumming
Baseball player/ junkie/ junkie
Astronaut/ delivery driver/ delivery driver
Stunt man⦠Evil Kineval in particular/ an accountant/ dead
Comic book artist or comedian or rapper/ forklift driver/ creepy old man
Radio host/ fixes computers/ retired
Pitch for the Mariners/ EMT/ doctors assistant
Rock star/ Mistress of Booze, a.k.a. a KISW sales rep/ Mistress of Booze
Marine/ warehouse worker/ Marine
Back up dancer for Paula Abdul (like everyone else in the world)/ runs a dermatology clinic/ retired
Police officer/ project manager/ own a drug farm
Accountant/ software tester/ bald
Comedian/ accountant/ football coach on any level
Princess/ house wife/ dead
OK, trivia night, so Iâm out of here.
Until tomorrow, find a crook, give them a hug and STAY BEAUTIFUL!â
Gay Pride was yesterday here in Seattle, San Francisco, New York and all across the country. Things were more festive this year than usual (if you can believe that) being that gay rights supporters got a big boost over the weekend when New York legalized gay marriage⦠and now THEY can be as miserable as the rest of us. CONGRATULATIONS! Anyway, rainbows were flying, thongs were twirling and asses were shaking in celebration. On the other hand, Seattleâs Capitol Hill neighborhood was ALSO visited by a less festive group when a âflash mobâ (sigh) turned violent. About 100 âriotersâ, for lack of a better term, trashed store windows around 12th and Broadway. No one is EXACTLY sure what motivated the nonsense, but the two opposing opinions agree that it was a protest of something that had to do with Pride⦠be it in favor of or against. Who knows? Either way, call the âwaaammmmmbulanceâ. Protests, marches, rallies, signature drives⦠none of this is new, of course, but with every special interest group getting equal time these days, all of this stuff is picking up frequency. Maybe youâre a part of it: WHAT IS THE ONE ISSUE OR CAUSE YOU CAN GET BEHIND?
Net neutrality⦠believes we should have a CHOICE of what we want
Breast cancer awareness⦠runs in his family and loves boobs
N.O.R.M.L.- wants to legalize marijuana and so do we!
Welfare abuse and Medical insurance⦠if you get welfare you should be drug tested
Donating blood⦠good thing to do
Wants to change custody and divorce laws⦠meaning heâs a guy who lives in Washington State
Organized religion⦠stay out of politics and education⦠agreed
Wants to protest McDonalds, says bring back the McRibb⦠yea Ronald, stop teasing us with it and put it on the f**king menu
Better teachers pay and benefits⦠yea, they have to put with your kids
Legalize prostitutionâ¦Â I agree, men pay for sex ANYWAY, just cut out the âmiddle manâ
Wants religion in schools⦠before you say âWTF?!?â, he said they should be offered up as an elective⦠not a bad idea
OK bitches, have a meeting I must attend a meeting tonight. Yea, thatâs right, I have the occasional meeting.
Until tomorrow, make your lemons lemonade, spike it with booze and STAY BEAUTIFUL!â
Oprah Winfrey (you may have heard of her) has made no secret that sheâd like OJ Simpson to confess to her to the 1994 killings of Nicole Brown and Ron Goldman. Actually, Big O said âI have a dream of OJ Simpson confessing to meâ. Well, if the National Enquirer is to be believed, OJ has agreed to do just that. Supposedly, heâs already confessed to one of Oprahâs producers and theyâre scheduling the actual taped interview⦠which MIGHT explain why Oprah is so confident sheâll get it done. See how that works? Anyway, even if OJ confesses or already has confessed, does it really matter? Thereâs only 12 people in America that didnât know he was the killer, and as luck would have it, they were on the jury during his case. On the other hand, thereâs something to be said for owning up to your actions, even if it is 17 years after the fact. Today we gave you the opportunity to come clean: WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO CONFESS OR WHAT DID YOU HAVE TO COP TO?
OK, for reasons I wonât go through, todayâs blog is already at its end. Apologies all around⦠well, ALMOST all around. Nevertheless, have a spectacular weekend. Remember, our very own Ryan Castle is running in tomorrowâs Rock and Roll Marathon, so be sure to ask him how much he hurts and how bad he feels on Monday.
Until Monday, do what you do best and STAY BEAUTIFUL!â
Our friends at www.cracked.com have a collection of lists that all revolve around the same thing; movies we see as children that inevitably lead to therapy when weâre adults. Crack offered up â9 Traumatizing Moments from Classic Kidâs Moviesâ, â7 Horrifying Moments from Classic Kidsâ Moviesâ and âThe 10 Best Animated Movies for Traumatizing Kidsâ. Theyâre pretty much dead- on, but letâs face it, as kids, itâs not JUST kidsâ movies that mess with our heads⦠âJAWSâ kept people out of the water for YEARS, âThe Exorcistâ freaked out everyone and âThe Crying Gameâ⦠well, we all know the effect that movie had. CHECK FOR PENIS! And then thereâs those NON-fictional things that happen that stick with you forever. Take the three year old kid in Copalis Beach, WA who was mauled by the FAMILY dog after he touched the dog while it was eating. The kid survived, but heâs currently in the hospital recovering. Not cool. WHAT DID YOU SEE AS A KID THAT SCARRED YOU OR SCARED YOU FOR LIFE?
The video for âThrillerâ⦠the end when MJâs eyes get all glowy
Tales from the Crypt⦠the Crypt Keeper freaked him out. I know the âKeeper LOOKED spooky, but the voice ruined it for me
Chuck from âChildâs Playâ freaked out a lot of people⦠and while no one will say it, I think Chuck ruined it for red- heads too
The movie âHellraiserâ
âITâ⦠another movie that didnât help the case for clowns
Canât eat chicken after seeing âPoltergeistâ
Saw a crash on his motorcycle and decapitate himself⦠FROM THE EYEBROWS UP!
Walked in on his parents having sex⦠scarier than ANY movie
When he was young, he saw another kid get stabbed by a crazy lady
Saw a guy under hypnosis suddenly snap his eyes open and violently attack the hypnotist
When he was 7, he accidentally (?) shot his friend with a .22⦠for obvious reasons, itâs scarred him for life
Saw her brother get smashed by a car while riding a bike⦠wonât let her kids ride bikes on the street
Two clowns snatched him out of the audience at a circus and threw him into a horse- drawn carriage
Attacked by dogs on three separate occasions between the ages of 6 and 8 years old
Saw her grandmother with no bra⦠described her boobs as looking like pool balls dropped into tube socks
Once discovered a severed hand in an abandoned car⦠thatâll f**k with you alright
OK bitches, going to the sounders game.
Until tomorrow, shred your chicken and STAY BEAUTIFUL!â
On yesterdayâs show, Miles and I went off about our hate of âtaco nightâ. Not tacos, just taco night⦠the night you go home to tacos. Weâre not fans⦠and apparently that makes us Public Enemy #1. Based on the phone calls, e-mails, texts and all other forms of communication available, everyone else in the world not only LOVES them some tacos, but they have ancient Mexican recipe to make them âoutstandingâ. We got plenty of hate. Tacos; donât speak badly of them. Not everyone likes every food, but that doesnât mean you always have the opportunity to avoid eating them. When you were a kid, you were at the mercy of whatever your parents fed you or whatever was served for lunch at school. Now, maybe youâre in a relationship and thereâs a meal your significant other enjoys making or a restaurant they insist on going to or maybe, just maybe youâre broke and canât afford the stuff you like. AS FAR AS FOOD GOES, EVERYONE SEEMS TO LIKE _____________, BUT I DONâT GET TOO FIRED UP ABOUT IT.
OK, today has been very insane behind the scenes, so thereâs not a lot of blog coming your way, but know this much; Ted likes every kind of food. No matter what anyone said they didnât like, Ted couldnât believe it. He was getting visibly upset.
OK, the big thing for us today was Chris Cornell. Yea, thatâs right bitches, the man from Soundgarden, Audioslave, the SHIMS⦠he dropped by and graced us with his awesomeness. Really cool dude too. You never know what to expect with people, but he was actually really cool and descent. Hereâs a picture of us being awesome.
Actor Doug Hutchinson⦠chances are, youâve never heard of him, but youâve SEEN him. He was the super-douchey prison guard in âThe Green Mileâ, and more recently he played Horace Goodspeed on âLostâ and Davros on â24â. If you saw his picture youâd say, oh, THAT guy.â Anyway, heâs making headlines because at age 51 he just married 16 Courtney Stodden from Ocean Shores. By the way, you DIDNâT misread that⦠heâs 51, sheâs 16. They got married in Vegas and her parents are cool with it. Her father said, âevery parent would be happy to have a man like this behind his daughter.â Miles and I agree that he could have REALLY picked better words. Then thereâs 84- year- old Hugh Hefner, who is well- known to like the young honeys. His most recent squeeze was 25 year old Crystal Harris. By now youâve heard the story; she broke off her engagement with Hugh and tried to launch her âsingingâ career and reality TV show, etc. And then thereâs Robert DeNero, a man well known to love black chicks⦠kinda like Lisa Lampinelli, whoâs made a career professing her love for black men. Basically, thereâs something peculiar about every relationship and thatâs what we talked about today: WHAT IS THE STRANGEST DYNAMIC OF ANY RELATIONSHIP YOUâVE EVER HAD AND WHO DID IT PISS OFF?
Dated a Jewish girl in high school, brought her home to meet his German family and she freaked out when she saw the Nazi flag hanging up. Thing his, his father was the family historian and his grandfather had killed a Nazi soldier and took the flag, so his pops hung it up. His girlfriend wasnât buying it and never talked to him again. Yea⦠you might wanna WARN your Jewish girlfriend that thereâs a swastika in your house.
The hottest girl in town was HIS booty call
Heâs a âhippy lookingâ white dude and dates a black chick
His girlfriend is 40, heâs 22
Dated a chick for 2 years who couldnât speak English⦠PERFECT
Heâs 35, sheâs 16
Sheâs white, lost her virginity to a black guy (wasnât me) but not everyone is OK with that
So, everyday here in the Menâs Room, we receive a little bit of celebrity trivia titled âThings You Donât Know About _________â. Today, for example, we received a list of â10 Things You Didnât Know About Blake Shelton.â Remarkably, an explanation of WHO Blake Shelton is was left off the list. Nevertheless, whether we ask for this info or not, we get it. It got us thinking though; EVERYONE has something about them that no one knows or would expect. Miles has a friend who could say, âhey, Iâm a Disney sanctioned Goofy⦠and I do cocaine at the White House before hanging out with your kids!â GOSH! Hell, Miles and I are ordained ministers and can legally MARRY you. Before you send your requests, the answer is NO. Ben the Psycho Muppet once won $50 at the Invention Convention⦠not so shockingly, Ben spent that money years later on one of his thousands of Tool t-shirts. Thee Ted Smith, you might be surprised to learn that he PASSED English. No, really. Todayâs question: WHAT IS THE ONE THING PEOPLE WOULD BE SURPRISED TO KNOW ABOUT YOU?
Based on my career in radio, people are surprised to find out that Iâm black. Go figure.
Here are some of the things about you that no one would believe:
Listens to classical music⦠to be fair, I canât imagine ANYONE listening to classical music
He can play piano⦠well, he USED to play piano
People are shocked to find out how much he knows about rock music, in spite of the fact that heâs a rapper
Enjoys opera as much as metal⦠like classical music, I find it hard to believe anyone can listen to it. To be fair, I recognize the level of musicianship it takes to pull off opera and classical music, but it doesnât make it palatable. Itâs like a well- versed chef who cooks up a sh*tty meal
She still sucks her thumb⦠sheâs 36⦠gotta wonder if that translates to, you know
No one would believe heâs a raver⦠stranger still, he doesnât do drugs⦠which doesnât explain how he can endure that music
Used to wear TWO pairs of tighty- whiteys throughout his teens and early 20âs⦠apparently his underwear was always lost, so he doubled up (???)
Was shot two times in a drive- by shooting when he was 18
Won a spelling bee when he was in second grade⦠ALSO got to meet then- President Nixon, who he explained, made it clear he had better things to do. Know why the President of the United States of America looked like he had better things to do than say âcongratulationsâ to kid who won a spelling bee? Because he did!
Everyone would be surprised to find out heâs Mormon
Once drove Charlie Sheen to pick up hookers⦠yea, maybe
Has only one testicle⦠itâs not that thatâs hard to believe, but itâs NOT something you expect
Was once shot in the face with a .357 magnum. The moral of his story is to not believe your friends when they say a gun is UNLOADED
Sheâs a âtrust fundâ kid⦠keeps it under wraps because she HAS a job!
Has a black belt in the ky- rot- TAY
Gets paid $41.86 an hour to spray weeds
He smokes weed⦠I find it hard to believe that anyone DOESNâT SMOKE WEED
OK bitches. Got a âworkâ type thingy. Youâll find out all about it later.
Until tomorrow, Jimminy Christmas and STAY BEAUTIFUL!â
We came into work today and our e-mail in-boxes were filled with people asking us about âTammyâ; who is Tammy? Why do you keep talking about Tammy? Whatâs up with Tammy? On and on it went, so hereâs the general explanation; Tammy, for us, anyway, is kind of a code word for any woman who we believe could kick your ass, is probably good looking and is brunette. Why did we pick the name Tammy? Itâs just the image we get when we hear the name. On the other hand, if we talk about a âShawnaâ, weâre talking about a cute, little, blonde bubble- head who would sleep with you at the drop of a hat. You know the type⦠or maybe you ARE the type. Anyway, thatâs our code for specific types of women. Itâs like hearing a group of people talking about a âsafety meetingâ⦠unless theyâre talking about being safe from sobriety, thereâs nothing âsafeâ about it. Awesome, but not âsafeâ. If someone asks you if you like to âpartyâ, theyâre not inviting you anywhere⦠except for the Bolivia of your mind. Today weâre talking in code, using slang⦠so listen up my Canadians, today we wanna know: WHAT INSIDE JOKE, CODE OR SLANG DO YOU USE AMONG YOUR FRIENDS?
Monday = black people⦠no one likes Mondays
Jr. College= someone who canât handle their weed
âThe force is strong with her= we can tell sheâs on the hunt for penis. Penis
Classy= she likes anal sex
âSmartâ= enjoys oral sex
Chad= any random douche
Hot Pocket= slutty chick
Salmon bake= same as a âsafety meetingâ
Jog= masturbation
Dirty Bathtub= slutty chick
Pineapple= an ugly chick
âHold my callsâ= gotta take a sh*t
âCursedâ= single mom
2 Miles of Bad Road= ugly
TedFest= the Special Olympics
Large car= big, big, BIG ass
Line dancing= snorting lines of cocaine
Whiskey Tango=Â white trash
Tacklebox= girl with a bunch of tattoos
Bar-sexual= chicks who get all faux- lesbian when theyâre at the bar
Biscuit sharks= fat chicks
Cheesecake= one night stand- irresistible at the time but you feel bad about it the next day
Gorilla mints= menthol cigarettes- I probably should be offended but that is SO overtly racist itâs funny
OK, the weekend is here and Iâm off to go enjoy it.
Until Monday, do what you best and STAY BEAUTIFUL!â
Last night, the Boston Bruins beat the snot out of the Vancouver Canucks to win game 7 of the Stanley Cup finals and become the champs. How did Vancouver fans react? They took to the streets and rioted, lit fires, overturned cars, smashed store windows, started fights, attacked cops and were generally classy about the whole affair. People get mad⦠we get it, but if you need to, say, throw a brick through a window (and who doesnât) throw a brick through your OWN window. Need to tip over a car? No problem⦠just tip over your OWN f**king car. Want to start a fire? Hereâs a lighter⦠now go burn something of YOURS. Donât mess with OTHER peopleâs stuff⦠itâs a little thing we call BOUNDARIES. Take, for example, the punk- asses that used to live at the end of my street; I donât care that they like to âtagâ things with spray- paint⦠until they spray- painted MY front door. They crossed a boundary, and thatâs why I active searched for them with an axe. Spray- paint your OWN door, bitch. They got the message and immediately respected my personal boundaries and we all lived happily ever after. And to the guy at Milesâ gym; REALLY dumb-ass? If there are 8 shower stalls and 7 of them are EMPTY, why would you go to the ONE with the curtain drawn and a towel hanging outside of it and rip the curtain open? Happened to Miles yesterday. We know the guy just wanted a cheap peek at penis, but respect the boundary! Thatâs precisely WHY he drew the curtain closed. Itâs the actual the entire reason WHY they installed the curtains. Anyway, whether itâs your sense of personal space, topics of conversation you like to avoid or just hearing too much information, we all have our boundaries: WHAT ARE YOUR BOUNDARIES AND WHEN HAVE THEY BEEN CROSSED?
I guess my only boundary is âdonât worry about what I doâ. Thatâs pretty much it.
Was taking a dump in a public restroom when a little kid came CRAWLING under the stall door and started talking to him while he was dumping
When heâs at an ATM, back off or mug him, but donât hover over him⦠amen
Stay 2.5 feet (or more) away from his face when talking to him⦠that comment was directed at his Uncle Michael⦠lots of people have a problem with âclose- talker- guyâ
Donât talk to him when heâs peeing, especially if youâre standing behind him
Donât panhandle him when he has his kids with him⦠agreed
Canât stand âbackseat parentsâ⦠if you donât tell him how to raise his
Donât mess with his food⦠apparently his friends like to sabotage his food, and after 3 years in the clink (for armed robbery) he ainât having it
Girlfriend always reads his texts when he goes to sleep⦠we told him to dump her ass. Maybe sheâs a nice girl, but if she doesnât trust you, DO NOT WASTE YOUR TIME! It will never end well
His boundaries are his wallet, phone and face⦠donât touch any of them
Donât eat off of his plate⦠listen up- do not get married! One of the guarantees of marriage is sharing your food whether you intended to or not
Leave his nipples alone⦠shouldnât be a problem, but he points out that this is for the women he dates
OK, Iâm outta here for the day. Off to the Can- Can to see Bavaria on Acid. What is Bavaria on Acid? Itâs a 6â 6â Bavarian woman who yodels. Canât make this stuff up.
Until tomorrow, keep it together and STAY BEAUTIFUL!â
Early this morning, three young women from Mexico were in their Mercedes SUV rental following the directions of their GPS unit⦠and thatâs why they ended up in the Mercer Slough. The car sunk, but all three women managed to escape. Seems they were trying to reroute their path, thought they were on a ROAD, but were actually on a BOAT LAUNCH, and drove into the water. One rescuer put it best when he said, quote, âI donât know why they wouldnât question driving into a puddle that doesnât seem to end.â Well said, my man. We know GPS is a great tool, but itâs not 100%, so no matter what itâs telling you, if youâre DRIVING INTO A BODY WATER, feel free to ignore it. Thatâs a perfectly reasonably thing to ignore. On the OTHER end of the spectrum, men are very likely to ignore ANY physical symptom that might need medical attention unless the symptom involves the âjunkâ. As a guy, I can tell you that that is an absolute truth. We have a list of the â10 Symptoms Men Shouldnât Ignore' so that maybe we can do a better job of actually visiting the doctor⦠or know exactly why weâre avoiding him. Today we asked you to channel your inner regret and think about the one time you listened or DIDNâT listen to that thing you really should have or should not have listened to: AGAINST YOUR BETTER JUDGMENT, WHAT IS THE BEST ADVICE YOUâVE EVER IGNORED OR THE WORST ADVICE YOUâVE EVER TAKEN?
Doctor told her that the lump in her throat was just a calcium deposit⦠yea⦠turned out it was CANCER! I know doctors make mistakes, but really Doc, you canât tell the difference between CANCER and CALCIUM? OH well, itâs like Miles and I always say, even the med student who finished at the bottom of his class is a doctor
Didnât let his buddy pee on his back where the jellyfish had stung him⦠two hours later he got to the doctor, who told him he should have let his friend pee on him
SHOULD have gone to the doctor like his friend said, but he didnât- for a MONTH⦠wouldnât seem so bad if he hadnât had his hand caught in the DRIVE TRAIN OF A MOTORCYCLE
Friend convinced her to straighten her hair with a CLOTHES iron⦠it ended up about the way youâd think
Ignored the VERY sound advice to NEVER, EVER trust a fart when you have the flu
Ignored everyoneâs advice to âinvestâ⦠considering the current state of the economy (and the people in a position to do anything about it) heâs very glad he ignored the advice
Always gives the advice- âwhen someone yells âduckâ, DUCKâ⦠might be the best advice ever
Believed it when someone yelled âcopsâ when he was tripping on âshrooms⦠jumped off of a balcony and ran two miles through a swamp on two injured legs. Ruined his baseball season and found out that the cops were never actually called
I could go on, but Iâm kinda done typing. What are you gonna do?
Until tomorrow, hug a crook and STAY BEAUTIFUL!â
A guy by the name of Wolfgang Forstimeier, a researcher at the Department of Behavioral Ecology and Evolutionary Genetics at the Max Planck Institute for Ornithology (say THAT three times fast) recently completed a study that suggests that people with a predisposition to cheat (on their significant other, not at a board game) inherit their behavior GENETICALLY. Like your hair color, facial features, risk of cancer and certain addictions, Wolfgang believes that the inability to âkeep it in your pantsâ is passed from generation to generation⦠assuming that the behavior of Zebra Finches parallels that of human beings. Maybe itâs true, maybe itâs not, but today we decided to run with it and blame parents for everything. FOR BETTER OR FOR WORSE, WHAT TRAIT DID YOU INHERIT FROM YOUR PARENTS AND WHAT TRAIT OF YOURS DO YOU HOPE TO NOT PASS DOWN TO YOUR KID?
In a nutshell, I get my appetite and sense of right and wrong from my father and I get my looks and temperament from my mother. Itâs actually pretty weird.
As for you:
Parents were super- religious and it turns out heâs gay⦠he was âkicked outâ of the family- because thatâs what Jesus would do!
Parents gave him his love of booze and his ill- temper⦠you know, it might be that the booze is responsible for the ill- temper
Got her motherâs small boobs⦠now sheâs irritated because her mother just bought a set of DDâs
His wifeâs mother was a cheater so now heâs wondering if his wife has the tendency⦠as a favor, Iâll ask his wife tonight when weâre having sex
Got his temper from his father
Inherited a bad back from his dad⦠in fact, he goes in for surgery tomorrow to have a bone graft. Good luck, my man.
Heâs a workaholic and gets it from his parents. Says heâs convinced that heâll die working
Like his father, he ALSO yells at the radio and the TV
Loves spicy food like dad but suffers the heartburn like dad
Credits his parents for his alcoholism and mental illness
Says heâs hairy⦠his mother was a gorilla
Thanks to his non- Jewish parents mixture of traits, he looks absolutely Jewish and is âalwaysâ asked, âare you Jewishâ
Gets his colon cancer compliments of dad! Remember, Fatherâs Day is this coming Sunday!
She gets her âgreat rackâ from her mother (thank God it wasnât her father) and her brains from her father⦠who was smart enough to marry a woman with a huge chest
Heart Disease⦠the gift that just keeps on giving
His brain is âwiredâ wrong⦠has a condition called âsynethsiaâ⦠itâs not dangerous or a detriment, but essentially, itâs when your brains has the 5 sense communicate TOO much, so when you smell something you get a visual image or when you hear something it relates to a smell, etc. Kinda weird, but kinda cool too.
OK, trivia night, so Iâm OUT!
Until tomorrow, do what you do and STAY BEAUTIFUL!â
So Iâm happy to report that the Dallas Mavericks defeated the Miami Heat last night in Game 6 to become the NBA Champions. Congratulations to the Mavs, but more than that, Lebron can go suck a big, fat Dirk. Like so many other people, albeit, not EVERYONE, I was glad to see Lebron James go down in flames after talking SO much smack before the season even began. Semms that the dynasty and championship that he promised will have to wait until NEXT year⦠at the soonest. Anyway, glad to see him fail. Speaking of failures that made us happy⦠Donald Trump deciding NOT to run for President. Itâs not that we thought the king of frivolous self- promotion was seriousâ¦Â and he wasnât⦠but by withdrawing from the idiot- parade we call âPresidential hopefulsâ, we all got a break from having to hear about him every day. And then thereâs Harold Camping (who suffered a stroke, by the way), the Doomsday radio preacher who swindled hundreds of millions of dollars from âbelieversâ heâd convinced would be âsavedâ when the Rapture happened. He had the date set for May 21 of this year⦠which has come and gone without God getting all smitey. Sure, most of the world never took Harold seriously, but letâs be honest, weâre all pretty glad he failed. Nothing against Harold, we just didnât feel like dying. Failure brings endless joy when the person in question is someone you donât like, so today we wanted to know: WHO WERE YOU HAPPY TO SEE FAIL AND WHY?
Would like to see the Phelps family fail⦠as in Fred and his Westboro Baptist Church âflockâ, not Michael
Enjoys watching the Steelers lose Super Bowls⦠AMEN! However, for them to lose a Super Bowl, they have to GET to the Super Bowl which, as a Ravens fan, means Iâve suffered ANOTHER playoff disappointment. Almost used to it by now.
Tom Brady⦠just doesnât like him. I donât hate the guy, but I donât necessarily like the guy either
His ex- stepdad⦠apparently the guy was a real bastard, but âgot isâ when he installed a bathroom fan backwards on his boat⦠when he flushed the toilet, he blew sh*t all over himself and the boat. Well Hell, I could LIKE the guy and enjoy that moment!
Ted⦠when heâs playing âTed vs. the FCCâ
OJ Simpson⦠got away with murder but finally got nailed for SOMETHING!
Glad to see Axl Roseâs version of Guns and Roses fail with the release of âChinese Documentaryâ. Axl blamed the record company, wholly unaware that the album sucked
Her old boss⦠she looked down on her and her NOW husband because they had their first kid before they got married⦠typical, phony âmoralâ bitch⦠found out she got divorced- just like the âmoral codeâ advises
Courtney Love because sheâs Courtney Love
Friend would always drive drunk and brag about never getting caught⦠finally got popped for a DUI. Cost him $10,000
Loves seeing âbandwagonâ teams fail, i.e., the Yankees, the Cowboys and other teams where only about 3% of their fan base is made up of actual fans.
PAINTED VINYL
Went to the Freemont Market this weekend and bumped into a cat named Dave Ryan⦠really nice due⦠heâs an artist and his medium is painted stencils on old vinyl records. Itâs really cool sh*t. Anyway, he had a few pieces that he did SPECIFICALLY for the members of our show. Check out the pieces he did for me and Ben. The one he did for Miles hasnât been unveiled yet, but Dave assures me that itâs âkinda f**ked up and disturbingâ, proving that he understands Miles inside and out.
Click for the bigger version.
Iâm out!
Until tomorrow, rock on, rock out and STAY BEAUTIFUL!â
Thereâs a new survey out there that asks men and women a very basic question; what were the top 5 moments of your life? The answers, for both genders, were pretty boring; stuff like having a kid, getting married, buying a house, etc. Thereâs absolutely nothing wrong with any of that, of course, but we were a little surprised that the top experiences in everyoneâs life is keeping up with the Jonesâ or achieving perfect mediocrity, but that seems to be the case. Maybe thatâs the case with you, maybe not. Sure, the birth of my kid was very, very cool⦠definitely one of the cooler moments of my life, but that kind of thing is OBVIOUS. Today we wanted to hear about your top experiences youâve had; not the obvious stuff, but those milestones and moments that put a smile on your ugly face every time you think about it. WHAT WOULD YOU SAY ARE THE TOP 3 EXPERIENCES OF YOUR LIFE?
Guys weekend on Lopez Island two years ago⦠fishing, drinking and talking- all a man needs to have a good time
Interviewed Def Leppard back stage
Jumping out of a plane and winning a roller derby
Shaking hands with Paul McCartney
His first one night stand
Getting off of drugs and staying clean
His first, and probably only, threesome
Reaching the summit of Mount Rainier
Meeting Michael J. Fox
The time he farted for over 5 seconds⦠impressive
Losing his virginity at age 16 to a 28 year old⦠I really think Hallmark or American Greetings should develop a âcongratulations on losing your virginityâ card.
Surviving his first (and subsequently every) firefight in Iraq⦠found out what he was made of
The day he got divorced
Seeing Zepplin in 1973
Was in Berlin when the wall came down⦠unfortunately, she didnât get to see Hasslehoff perform
Streaking at a football game
The day he became a godfather
When he found out he DIDNâT have herpes⦠always good news
OK bitches, the weekend is here. Go enjoy it and GO SOUNDERS!
Until Monday, do what you do best and STAY BEAUTIFUL!â
The folks at www.artlung.com have come up with a list that is one part brilliant, one part terrible idea. Itâs a list of 32 Things to Do to Piss People Off. Itâs all subtle stuff, but itâs guaranteed to work; finish all sentences with âin accordance to scriptureâ, staple pages together in the middle of the page, leave the copy machine set to 200%, extra dark, 17 inch paper, 99 copies, and other harmless, albeit irritating things you can do to really annoy everyone around you. One thing we KNOW pisses people off are those idiots who park their cars in such a way that they take up two parking spaces, preventing you from parking next to their prized penis- extender. Seattle attorney Ronald Mattson proved that when he was busted last week for keying cars in the parking lot at Columbia Center in downtown. Like most people, he hates when people park like douche bags, so he started keying the offenders and leaving nasty notes. We get it; people that park like that are really f**king annoying, but you canât go around keying peopleâs cars because that pisses people off too. Thatâs what we wanted to talk about today; not things that make you mad, but things you do specifically to piss off the people around you. WHAT DO YOU SECRETLY DO JUST TO ANNOY PEOPLE⦠AND WHO IS IT AND WHY?
His wife has custody of his daughter, so he buys the loudest toys possible⦠I used to do that to everyone I knew with a kid, and then I had a daughter and I know payback is going to be a bitch. By the way, always let the other parent know if youâve bought a toy that moves on its own. My wife bought our kid some kind of f**ked up looking dog thing for Christmas and I wasnât aware that it was somewhat autonomous. I was getting stuff together, I look at this thing, and it WINKED at me. I almost freaked out. Not cool.
Hides in the closet and jumps out to scare his girlfriend to death
Always puts the toilet paper on backwards
Laughs⦠his laugh is annoying⦠we heard it and heâs right
Likes to ask people âwhatâ no matter what they say
Likes to point out to her husband that she outranks him in the military⦠poor guy
If the service he receives sucks, he tips in pennies⦠funny, but definitely annoying
Works with an âultra- conservative, racist Christianâ, so he sends him random âweird Japanese porn linksâ everyday
Drives slow in front of tailgaters
Used to shave her lady bits with her step fatherâs razor
Occasionally wonât flush after pooping⦠funny
Likes to spin his glass eye the OPPOSITE direction when talking to people⦠creepy but funny
Has conversations with people when theyâre talking on their cell phones in public. Essentially, he responds to whatever theyâre saying as though theyâre talking to him
Alright bitches, got a work meeting type of thing going on so I must bid you adieu. Adieu.
Until tomorrow, pour some sugar on no one and STAY BEAUTIFUL!â
Wenatchee High School had to remove a single page from 1100 yearbooks after a student on the yearbook staff replaced the names of two freshman girls with their WEIGHTS. If there is one thing that women donât like to discuss⦠and really, thereâs only ABOUT one thing wonât discuss⦠itâs their weight. Look at a womanâs driverâs license, add 15 pounds, and youâll be a little closer to their ACTUAL weight. Anyway, those poor girls at Wenatchee High had their weights published in the yearbook and weâre quite sure theyâre embarrassed. Then thereâs Democratic Representative Anthony Weiner, whose wiener has been all over the news for over a week. Heâs the guy who sent a picture of his crotch to some broad here in Seattle (the same girl who was âvoted most likely to be involved in a tabloid scandalâ in her 2007 high school yearbook- True) and then denied that heâd done it. I believe he blamed it on someone hacking his twitter account. Well, this past Monday he admitted what we all knew to be true; he DID send the picture of his bald Jesus. The fallout has been overly dramatic, but more than anything else, Weiner is suffering from embarrassment that comes from millions of people discussing your wiener⦠and your last name is Weiner. Today we talk embarrassment and humiliation: WHEN HAVE YOU BEEN SO EMBARRASSED THAT YOU JUST WANTED TO DISAPPEAR?
Sent a dirty picture to HER FATHER⦠when she was 15
Was pumping gas when a pick- up truck slammed into traffic and started flipping and rolling toward him. He was convinced he was gonna die so he urinated himself, but didnât die
âPunching the clownâ in the living room when his wife AND mother- in- law walked in. DONâT PULL THE PUD IN THE LIVING ROOM
Cousin ripped his Speedos off (yes, his SPEEDOS) on a beach in Poland
Crapped his pants at a Fred Meyer⦠had he done it at Wal- Mart, no one would notice
Woke up in a hospital after a bad acid trip⦠heâd been doing acid for three weeks straight
Dropped his date off, stepped on the gas to leave, BUT, the car was in reverse and he ran her over! Oddly enough, theyâve been married for 12 years now
Asked out on a date by a girl he knew for 10 years. They were supposed to meet at a movie theatre, but when she showed up, she was with 6 other people who promptly threw buckets of honey, tuna fish, chocolate and ketsup on him. Then they laughed and drove off. To make it worse, everyone at the theatre ALSO started laughing.
Was giving a speech in college and shot an unexpected snot rocket
When she was in the Army, her CO surprised her with a random locker check⦠thatâs when they discovered her vibrator
Congratulated a woman on her pregnancy at a party in front of a bunch of people⦠sheâd miscarried a few weeks earlier. Thatâs awful, man
Sister- in- law AND brother- in- law walked in on him f**king his future wife on THEIR coffee table
Was at Schuckâs Auto Parts and he asked for BLINKER FLUID
I could go on, but Iâm not going to!
Iâm outta here. Funny show todayâ¦well, it was for US, ANYWAY.
Early this morning in Tukwila, two people were sent to the hospital after a fire destroyed their home. There were a total of three people in the house when it burst into flames around 5:30 this morning and authorities are saying that one of them is âlucky to be aliveâ. Why? Because after escaping the flames, one of them ran back INTO the house to save his prized guitar. He made it back into his house, but he didnât manage to save the guitar⦠and his band (The Gifted Program) have a slew of âbigâ shows coming up. Thatâs what one of his band mates says, anyway. It goes without saying, but authorities donât recommend you run BACK into a burning building after youâve already escaped, but we acknowledge that MOST of us have âprized possessionâ⦠whether it be expensive or sentimental⦠that just might compel us to risk our lives to protect it⦠no matter HOW ill- advised. Today we asked you to consider what it is YOU would run into a burning home to save⦠and WHO you MIGHT save. We donât want your house to burst into flames, but today weâre just gonna pretend that itâs burning to the ground as we speak. We want to know: IF YOUR HOUSE WERE ON FIRE, WHAT POSSESSION WOULD YOU RUN BACK IN FOR AND WHAT LIVING THING (family member, pet, roommate) WOULD YOU SAVE?
His ASR-10 keyboard⦠says that he lives alone so thereâs no one to save, but he points out that the âspiders can just dieâ⦠how many f**king spiders live in your house, man?
Would rescue his cookbook collection and would rescue his roommate Lauren⦠not because he likes her, but because sheâs âalmostâ a lawyer and if he saves her, heâll have legal representation for life
Actually lost his house to a fire in April and lost 4 or 5 pets⦠should it happen again, heâd save his Winchester rifle
Her daughterâs âbaby bookâ AND her daughter
The book âAmphoraâ, a book of poetry by Alistair Crowley and his wife⦠says he could get another cat⦠he could also get another wife. Just sayinâ
His radio (so he could listen to us⦠thank you, but it ainât worth it!) and since he lives with his girlfriend, said heâd save his plant
Would save a picture of her son who died when he was very young
His $1200 pool cue⦠in other news, thereâs a $1200 pool cue
His Joe Montana autographed 49ers helmet⦠might run back in for his daughter or wife, BUT, the helmet fo- sho
His shot glass collection
Would save his Playstation 3 and his pit bull
Sheâd save her dog and her CELL PHONE⦠Iâd let my cell phone burn without question
Would save his goldfish and his porn stash⦠donât know why, but I like this guy
SIT AND SPIN
Jolene brought in some samples of the bands youâll enjoy at this yearâs Pain in the Grass. Check it out here:
Until tomorrow, avoid the teeth and STAY BEAUTIFUL!â
After years of being overcharged for a product that cost next to nothing to produce, Americans have finally caught on and cut way down on how much breakfast cereal weâre buying. Seems that people have gravitated toward things like pastries and fastfood breakfasts in place of boxed cereal. Special K has gotten the worst of it, but other mainstays, like Corn Flakes, Raisin Bran and Rice Crispies are all feeling the pain. On the other hand, like it has since the invention of money, PROSTITUTION is still doing a brisk business. Imagine THAT! Men just LOVE to pay for sex. As youâd expect, the main clientele are married men, and believe it or not, 12% of married men whoâve paid for some street side- action, actually TOLD THEIR SPOUSE! On the other hand, according to a survey, 80% of ALL married people hide certain purchases from their significant other. Aside from hookers, men hide how much money they spend on alcohol, while the ladies hide how much they spent (âsavedâ) on clothes and accessories. Married or not, there are certain things we buy that we try not to share with anyone because, quite frankly, itâs f**king embarrassing⦠OR there are things weâll buy but wonât tell anyone exactly how much we spent⦠and that is todayâs question: WHAT WOULD YOU NEVER ADMIT YOU PAID FOR OR WHAT WOULD YOU ADMIT YOU PAID FOR BUT NOT HOW MUCH YOU SPENT?
Will never tell anyone how much money he spent to supe-up the engine on his truck
Admits that he spends about $90 a week on smokes⦠I probably spend around $60 myself, but thatâs $60 less for illegal drugs
Bought a BMW M3 back in 2008⦠obviously he had to explain to his wife that heâd BOUGHT the car, not STOLE it, but never admitted that he spent $70,000 on it. Sold it after he bought a house⦠the CAR, not his WIFE
Wonât tell anyone how much money he spent on his Mariah Carey âGlitterâ t- shirt⦠heâs 6 feet 6 inches tall and âbuiltâ; says that no one asks any questions. No offense my giant friend, but even under the threat of an ass- kicking, Iâd HAVE to ask- not how much you spent, but why you spent ANY money at all
Wonât admit how much she spends on porn⦠who cares- you gotta like any woman who will spend money on porn
Owns every episode of âScrubsâ on DVD, and while heâs proud of his âScrubsâ allegiance, heâs not SO proud that heâll share how much it costs
Would never admit to how much money he spent to see the movie âWhat Women Wantâ in the theater⦠ALONE⦠and yet, he has the balls to admit that he went to THAT movie. Hmmmm?
Will never admit how much she spends on sex toys
Doesnât tell people how much money she spends on hot rod parts
A horse
Never INTENDED on sharing with his wife how much extra money he spent to rent a Corvette. Went to Florida with his 8- year- old son, rented the âVette⦠all was good. Got back from the trip, his son immediate started telling âmomâ how cool it was to ride in a Corvette the whole trip. Dad had some âsplaininâ to do.
Her bra⦠she wears a DDD cup (thatâs THREE Dâs, bitches)so she has to pay $85 for big, ugly bras that can support her heft
Wonât mention how much he spent for a hooker in Amsterdam
Hasnât told his wife that he spent $2800 on his new hunting bow because sheâd probably shoot him with it. She thinks it cost him $800
Dropped $300 on a penis extender⦠on the bright side, the extender worked
Bought a designer towel for $220⦠a designer TOWEL⦠what the f**k is a designer TOWEL?
Personally, Iâm not sure what I the the cost of. I might hide what Iâve BOUGHT, but if you know I have it, Iâll tell you how much it cost.
Today we talked douches⦠and not the over-the-counter cleanser of lady- parts, but those people who have no redeeming value and yet (wrongly) believe themselves to be at the top of the social pecking order. You know the type, but if not, picture the cast of the âJersey Shoreâ. Maybe YOUâRE a douche but donât know it⦠well, weâre here to help. Ask Men.com came up with a list of âTop 10 Douchebag Gadgetsâ and our friends at Mr. Skin put out a list of the âTop 10 Douchebag Things Guys Do to Turn Girls Offâ. One other indication that youâre a douche is if your name is âJohn Edwardsâ. In spite of these lists, there are still plenty more signs that you may be a douche, and today we asked you to help us create a thorough list. Most of us can identify a douche and agree on what it is that makes them douchey, but today we had you contribute by answering this fill- in- the- blank: THEREâS SOMETHING ABOUT _________ THAT JUST SCREAMS âDOUCHEâ!
The mustache⦠believes that if youâre not a cop or a fireman⦠or a construction worker, but choose to rock the âsolo stacheâ, you must be a douche
White dudes in do- rags
Anyone WITHOUT tattoos wearing Ed Hardy or Affliction t- shirts
Anyone driving a turbo VW Beatle
Anyone with a fake tan
Anyone who drives with their seat reclined ALL THE WAY BACK is probably a douche⦠no, no, heâs just really cooooooool
People who wear their pants below their ass⦠I just think of them as trendy sodomites. Itâs a trendy look AND the âfashionâ is a PRISON thing to let other inmates know that you take it in the third brown eye. Now THATâS gangsta!
Fancy hats and horned- rimmed glasses
Men who wear fedoras
Faux- hawks and skinny jeans
Lars Ulrich⦠goes back to the Napster days
Guys with ponytails
His roommate⦠sent a picture and yea, the guy has douche written all over him
Everyone in the mall
People with âtribalâ tattoos⦠itâs a shame too because tribal work is really awesome, but a LOT of the people who choose that work really are douchey
Anyone who orders a coffee with more than 5 words
Men wearing pinky rings⦠douche or gay?
People who order food in a foreign language in a âforeignâ restaurant⦠the example she gave was priceless; dude on a date with some chick, heâs telling her about all of his âincredibleâ experiences in Italy, blah, blah, blah, waitress shows up to take their order and he orders his food in Italian. They were at Olive Garden. DOUCHE!
What we learned today is 1, everyone is a douche to someone and 2, people get offended easily.
OK bitches, the weekend is upon us, so go enjoy it.
Until Monday, do what you do best and STAY BEAUTIFUL!â
You may remember this story from a few years ago, but itâs back in the news, so here we go; a federal judge has refused to dismiss a lawsuit filed by three men who claim that they were unfairly disqualified from the 2008 Gay Softball World Series for not being gay ENOUGH. You see, the league rules stipulate that each team could have no more than 2 straight men per team⦠and these guys described themselves as BI- sexual, which, weâre finding out, violates the rules of the North American Gay Amateur Athletic Association. In other news, thereâs a North American Gay Athletic Association, or, as I like to call it, the NAGAA! Go ahead⦠say it out loud; just look over your shoulder first. So gays, who are discriminated against, discriminate against bi- sexual who, by their very nature, donât discriminate against any- damn- body. Who knew? Speaking of discrimination, the Attorney General of Missouri released a traffic study that reveals that black and Hispanic drivers have their vehicles searched more than white drivers. SHOCKING!!! And then thereâs the current issue of Penthouse which, in additional to bountiful vagina, includes an article about how those in the porn industry are discriminated against in mainstream society⦠everything from child custody cases to buying a home. Who DOESNâT wanna live next to a porn star?!? No matter who you are, youâve been discriminated against⦠or maybe you just THINK you were: WHEN WERE YOU GIVEN THE STINK EYE BECAUSE SOMEONE DOESNâT LIKE YOUR KIND?
Went to Gay Pride (1989) with his girlfriend⦠they were told that they shouldnât be there because the day wasnât about them. Nothing better than being discriminated against by people coming together to point out that theyâre discriminated against
Was âthe Jewishâ kid in a predominantly Christian school⦠used to get picked on relentlessly until he laid a kosher beat-down on a few bullies
Military guy gets the stink- eye from college guys because (1) he can out drink them and (2) college chicks dig guys in uniform
Drives a race boat and gets the stink- eye from sail boaters
Gets the stink- eye for being Buddhist (???)Â Other than Chinese Emperors, who, exactly, has a problem with Buddhists?
Has a high- paying job but also happens to ride a Harley, so when he pulled into Salish Lodge in his leather, he got the once- over from some high dollar p*ssy
Mexican dude got the stink- eye after 9.11 because the American rationale is that is youâre brown, youâre Muslim, and if youâre Muslim, youâre a terrorist⦠just like Timothy McVeigh, Ted Kazinski⦠oh, wait
Gets the stink- eye from her neighbors because sheâs hot and theyâre not⦠gee, stuff like that makes women sound catty
Gets the stink- eye every time he rolls in his âraverâ gear⦠by the way, the dude is a former Marine, so be careful the next time you f**k with a raver
He gets the stink- eye at church because he has long hair and didnât wear a suit⦠good thing you were at a place where people donât judge
Heâs white, liberal, Muslim, in the military and dating a black woman⦠says EVERYONE gives him the stink- eye
Alllllllrighty, bitches, time to close our stink- eyes and part company for the night.
Until tomorrow, keep it cool, keeeeeep it cool, and STAY BEAUTIFUL!â
Read this kidâs story, and then be glad that youâre not that kid⦠or have his problem⦠and then feel free to ask no one in particular, WTF?!? Sure, Iâm lactose intolerant, so when I drink a milkshake, yea, my ass plays like a symphony⦠a stinky, stinky symphony. Miles has a problem with nuts⦠get your mind outta the gutter you cheeky pervs, I mean peanuts, pistachios, almonds, etc. Nevertheless, there he was this morning, shoveling a bag of nuts down his throat⦠and AGAIN, get your mind outta the gutter. Jolene has to live the glutton- free lifestyle and itâs gotta suck. Bread, pasta, certain types of alcohol, all have to be avoided, but she confessed that over Memorial Day weekend she got âoff the wagonâ and had to pay the price. Allergies; they suck, so today we wanted to know: WHAT ARE YOU ALLERGIC TO AND WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOU COME IN CONTACT WITH IT⦠OR, WHAT DO YOU KNOW, DAMN WELL, YOU SHOULD STAY AWAY FROM?
Most plants, trees, shrubs and other vegetation in Western Washington. Thing is, he still lives here and is an avid outdoorsman. Good times.
The cold⦠she actually breaks out in hives when the air drops below a certain temperature
Her boyfriend is allergic to potatoes, meaning SHE doesnât get to enjoy natures most versatile vegetable
Buffalos⦠canât eat the meat or touch their fur⦠and that must really suck because EVERYONE I know gets down with touching buffalo fur. I probably touch 6 or seven buffalos a day
Duck eggs⦠I dunno, this is like the buffalo fur thing to me
Perfumes, dyed fabrics, generic detergents and soaps, etc⦠so women
Chocolate⦠and itâs a woman. Says that other women look at her like sheâs crazy
Shellfish⦠eats them and her throat closes
Fruit
Dill⦠doesnât seem like it would be a big deal, but he has to avoid pickles, so his fast food addiction gets a little dicey⦠if pickle juice touches anything, he has a reaction. So do I, but Iâm not allergic, I just really hate pickles
Morphine⦠didnât know until he broke his jaw in a skateboarding accident. Doctors gave him morphine and instead of relaxing him, it made him feel like his âblood was on fireâ
Allergic to dogs⦠and thatâs why he owns TWO
Sheâs allergic to latex⦠so if you sleep with her, you WILL get her pregnant
Alright bitches, Iâm outta here. Gonna go home and reflect on my last 7 days of getting absolutely hammered. Itâs been great, but my innards are revolting.
Until tomorrow, do what you want and STAY BEAUTIFUL!â
These pictures are hot off the desk of Detective Ed Troyer from the Peirce County Sheriff's Office. He asked for our help in naming this fella, so we're asking for your help. Leave a comment on the bottom of the page, text to 77999 or send an email to themensroom@kisw.com We'll have Ed on the show today at 4:30. We were too late to name Fat Tina, lets not let this one get away!
Here is the info from Crime Stoppers:
Pierce County Sheriffâs detectives need your help to identify the suspect responsible
for a bank robbery. On Tuesday May 31st, 2011, at 4:50 p.m., the pictured suspect
robbed a Wells Fargo bank located in the 15800 block of Meridian E. in Puyallup.
The suspect entered the bank carrying a bag, approached the bank counter and
presented a note to the tellers demanding cash and threatening violence. The suspect
took the money, placed it into the bag, then fled the bank in a waiting dirty light
colored car driven by an unidentified female.
The suspect is described as a white male in his 50âs, 5â7â tall, slender build, with gray
hair. During the robbery he was seen wearing a black cowboy hat, sunglasses, blue
jeans, and a black and silver jacket with the words âNew Yorkâ in silver lettering
across the chest.
Receive up to $ 1000 for information leading to
the arrest and charges filed for the person in this case.
Call 253-591-5959
All Callers will remain anonymous
As of last Thursday, part-time actress and full- time drug addict, Lindsay Lohan began serving 35 days of house arrest. I think it stems from the $2500 necklace she stole, but I donât knowâ¦and really, care. One way or another, Lindsay is, for all intents and purposes, locked IN. Thatâs the exact opposite problem of NFL players who, for as long as the team owners are willing to give them the run- around, are locked OUT. Then thereâs Jesse Hottinger of Akron, Ohio, who was arrested over the weekend for destroying a security camera at an apartment complex so that no one could see him break in. It should be noted that it was the apartment complex where he lives and the apartment he was breaking into was the one HE LIVED IN. Heâd lost his keys and was locked out. (???) You might remember back in March; President Obama returned to the White House after a trip to Latin America, only to be stuck on a patio outside because he was locked out of the Oval Office. Apparently, no one knew when he was scheduled to return (and why would they? Heâs the President of the United F**king States of America) so the door was locked. And then thereâs are own Miles Montgomery, who locked himself and a rather large, albeit friendly dog out of a house⦠but it was neither his house nor his dog. Quality dog sitting, bitches. This leads to todayâs question: PHYSICALLY OR FIGURATIVELY, WHEN HAVE YOU BEEN LOCKED IN OR LOCKED OUT?
OK, I would have typed up all kinds of different answers from today, but truly and honestly, Iâm ârecoveringâ from an unplanned 6- day bender. Donât know how it happened, but itâs been a crazy week. A very good week, but crazy. Apologies all around.
SIT and SPIN
Click here for Jolene's take on this weeks Sit and Spin, we went full Metal!
Until tomorrow, drink less, sleep more and STAY BEAUTIFUL!â
The fine folks at Nutrasystem conducted a survey to find out what people would rather have, their dream body or one million dollars? 78% of Americans would take the money⦠and why not? Most people want a âperfectâ body for the confidence and to appeal to the opposite sex⦠or the SAME sex, if you swing that way⦠and if youâre a millionaire, youâll be confident and very, very, VERY appealing to the opposite sex. In that sense, theyâre not all that different. Mister Poll.com (which isnât a porn site, just SOUNDS like one) asked people what they would be willing to do for a million dollars and included a list of choices, like have a limb amputated, put a pet to sleep, have all of your teeth removed, play Russian Roulette, have a sex change or marry someone who is 700 pounds, and on and on it went. Then thereâs a guy named Brian Kingrey who neither likes baseball nor baseball video games, but when 2K Sports held a contest to give one million dollars to the first person who could pitch a perfect game on their MLB 2K11, Brian gave it a go⦠and WON. It only took him two hours. What does he plan to do with the money? If you guessed âbuy a new refrigeratorâ, youâre right. Oh, you guessed something different? For todayâs Friday Fantasy Question we wanted you to channel your inner whore and tell us WHAT WOULD YOU BE WILLING TO DO OR GIVE UP FOR ONE MILLION DOLLARS?
Would give up masturbation, which I find ridiculous. I couldnât give up masturbation if I WANTED to, and I canât think of a single scenario where Iâd want to. Like self- love too much.
Would give up his wife and 4 children for a million dollars⦠because NOTHING is as important as family⦠except a cool mill
Would give up listening to our âabortion of a showâ⦠it would take a million dollars to stop listening to a show you donât like? You know, most people do it for free; itâs a little thing called CHANGING THE STATION. Give it a try⦠itâll change your life AND youâll seem less stupid. Itâs a win/ win. Youâre welcome.
His left testicle⦠why is that everyone always picks their LEFT testicle? Whatâs wrong with the left berry?
Would give up bacon OR tequila, but not both. I like his thinking
One desperate caller (who we had to dump) said he would âsuck the p**p off of a d**kâ for one million dollars. Some people need the cash more than others, I suppose.
Would give up BOTH testicles for a million dollars. I would not do that.
Would give up alcohol⦠just not worth it to me
Says they would eat a slug⦠that doesnât seem very adventurous for a million dollars, but then again, if I had to eat a slug I would demand a mill
Would eat one of his own kidneys in exchange for a million dollars
Heâs a guy, but heâd get breast implants for a million bucks
She would sleep with every member of this show for a million dollars. Depending what she looks like, we might arrange that.
OK bitches, itâs Memorial Day weekend, so hopefully youâve got three days off. Either way, remember what weâre celebrating on Monday.
Until Tuesday, do what you do best and STAY BEAUTIFUL!â
Imagine sitting in your house when a dump truck suddenly comes crashing through your wall. Now imagine that the driver of the truck decides to pick a fight with you. To make this all the better, imagine that the guy who drove the dump truck into your house and picked a fight with you is also NAKED. Thatâs exactly what happened to one unfortunate soul in South Berwick, Maine. Good times. Imagine that youâre a cop in Nevada and youâre trying to convince a naked man to stop walking down the middle of the highway. Now imagine that when you order him to stop, he runs into a crowded casino. Yep, thatâs when you Tazer him⦠despite his claims that heâs the Terminator, sent from the future. Turns out he wasnât a Terminator, just high on LSD. OK, imagine youâre a dentist in Connecticut and your appointment shows up late⦠5 DAYS late⦠AND naked. Yea, it happened. If you ever want to make a situation awkward, get naked. Most of us have had an unfortunate experience with nudity, made worse by the fact that YOU were the nude person. OTHER THAN SEX, WHEN AND WHERE WERE YOU INVOLVED IN NUDITY GONE WRONG?
Skinny dipping at a resort when a random family showed up
His 15 year old daughter came home early and caught him stepping out of the shower
In Montana for a wedding, decided to go streaking and ended up in a biker bar
Got pulled over while driving naked (???)⦠donât drive naked
Got drunk and had the bright idea to get naked and chase a goat. Iâm willing to bet that the goat still tells the story; âyouâll never guessed what happed to ME!â
Getting out of the shower, hears her dog going crazy, so she opens the door to let it out, but the cat ran outside too. She chases the cat onto the driveway, forgetting that sheâs naked until the newspaper delivery guy said âgood morningâ
Changing out of her prom dress in the front seat of a car, was discovered by a cop, but he let her off.
Crapped his pants just outside of a bathroom, went INTO the bathroom to change his drawers when another guy who needed to crap came running in and crashed into his poop- stained ass
Got crabs in jail and had to shave ALL of his hair off⦠in front of 50 inmates
To make a point, he rode a motorcycle naked⦠and crashed it⦠in front of a bunch of high school students
OK bitches, Iâm outta here.
Until tomorrow, wake me when itâs over and STAY BEAUTIFUL!
Thereâs new book coming out called Those Guys Have All the Fun, and itâs a book about what goes on behind the scenes at ESPN. According to the book, ESPN Christmas parties are little more than organized orgies with all kinds of drugs in the bathroom, anchors would (or do) have sex in the hallways of work (classy), one of them is/ was the drug dealer for the other anchors, a group of secretaries made/ make extra cash moonlighting as hookers and, apparently, Chris Berman is a complete douche. This is all according to the book. ESPN, of course, denies that any of this kind of thing happens. Having worked a few years at a sports station myself, Iâm betting that this book is right on the money. I canât even tell you some of the things Iâve seen, heard or experienced in that particular world. However, it pales in comparison to some of the things I could count on when I worked in restaurants. I donât know if itâs still the same (although Iâm betting it is) after the night shift, you could count on drugs, booze and sex, and that was the one redeeming quality (for me, anyway) of that line of work. The truth is, no matter what line of work youâre in, there are things that happen there that no one else knows about except the people who work there⦠and thatâs what our question is all about: WHATâS THE BEST WORK PLACE SHENANIGANS YOUâVE EVER BEEN A PART OF?
Used to work for an airline at Sea- Tac⦠would drink, do drugs and f**k at work a lot. On a side note, he points out that more women than youâd think travel with their vibrators
âMagicâ mushroom pizzas at the pizza place he used to work
Works at a call center, gets drunk âmost of the timeâ
Works at a fair and skims tickets⦠nice
Became the bookie for his co- workers at a warehouse
He worked as a toxicologist evaluating urine samples⦠was always stoned. Ironic; no drug tests for people who tests you for drugs
Brings kegs to his job at a movie theatre
As a firefighter, he and the boys fire off all of the fireworks they confiscate⦠what did you THINK they did with them?
Apparently people in the optical field are notorious for drinking and smoking during their lunch breaks
Signed a âredneckâ co- worker for the PETA newsletter
On and on it went⦠all kinds of practical jokes, excessive drug use, copious amounts of alcohol, etc.
OK, weâre all on our way to tonightâs Sounders game, so I bid you adieu.
After 25 (long) years of makeovers, interviews, surprise visits and gifts for her studio audience, Oprah Winfreyâs TV show will come to an end this coming Thursday. While men everywhere will be celebrating, Oprah is a lot like a one night stand that left you with herpes⦠you might not see her again but thereâs always a reminder of her having been around. Our pals at CNN took the time to remind us of the â10 People We Wouldnât Know without Oprah Winfreyâ (the herpes, if you will). You see, even though sheâs about to go away, weâre still stuck with Dr. Phil, Dr. Mehmet Oz, Gail King and a host of other worthless talking heads. Thanks, Oprah, for introducing us to these luminaries. In a weird way, Rock and Roll introduced us to Lady Ga- Ga. In a recent interview, Ga- Ga explained that the first album she ever bought was Green Dayâs âDookieâ, but she credits her parents for exposing her to Stevie Wonder, the Beatles, Pink Floyd, Elton John, Bruce Springstein and Led Zepplin, saying that with that kind of musical upbringing, she couldnât help but be the way she is. So much for being âborn that wayâ. Whatever, thatâs who she credits for her introduction to the world of music. Music, movies, books, sex, drugs, booze, fashion, video games⦠weâre all into SOMETHING and chances are, someone else turned you onto it, whether it was an older sibling, a parent, a friend or a perfect stranger. Today we wanted to know: WHO INTRODUCED YOU TO THE THING YOU LOVE MOST?
My love of rock and roll started when I was 7 years old and my neighbor (Kurt Lyda⦠whose name I remember for no particular reason) when he put on a KISS record. That was it. After than I lost my mind to rock and roll. Thanks Kurt⦠and as I remember it, your mom was pretty hot. My introduction to radio⦠well, radio I found entertainingâ¦Â happened the next year when my sh*tty AM radio found a local station that played the Dr. Demento Show. That was the first time it occurred to me that radio can be fun and that you donât HAVE to play Barbara Streisand⦠although my first on- air gig was at a station that played exactly that. Go figure.
Grandmother turned him on to cooking, and apparently heâs pretty good
Dad introduced him to hip- hop when he played them âThe Messageâ. Then he discovered porn under his bed, so his father also, unwittingly, turned him on to girls.
Parents got him into music, but not just LISTENING to it, but playing it too
His Aunt got him into movies⦠heâs a movie junkie now
Wife introduced him to weed, which he points out, helped him to deal with the wife. It all comes full circle
Dad introduced him to motorcycles at age 19⦠17 years later itâs all he thinks about
His ex- father- in- law got him into commercial fishing
His âbuddyâ Matt introduced him to âchewâ at age 14⦠18 now
His buddy got him into Soundgarden⦠thatâs a good buddy
His grandparents got him into cartoons, which isnât shocking, but his grandparents⦠GRANDparents⦠introduced him to video games
Baltimore Ravens linebacker (extraordinaire) Ray Lewis made the comment over the weekend that one of the consequences of a lost NFL season would be an increase in crime. He make the point that, like after- school programs for teenagers, NFL football provides a distraction on Sundays to keep the criminal element from being so criminal. At the rate ânegotiationsâ are going in the NFL lockout, weâll all find out if Ray is right this September. One thing that definitely contributed to an uptick in crime is/ was the current recession. All at once, millions of us learned that Wall Street had been running a racket (a given) and selling us a bundle of lies, which resulted in retirement funds being stripped bare and the loss of millions of jobs. Not so shockingly, people did what they had to do to keep food on the table. In some cases, people did things they DIDNâT have to, but did it anyway. Then thereâs stuff like Facebook, where virtual (meaning âirrelevantâ) beefs can turn into real life violence. On the bright side, at least people are getting outside and communicating with other human beings. Baby steps. Now weâre curious to see what will happen when Oprah (mercifully) closes out her show on Thursday. Will women have to form their OWN opinions? Determine their OWN bra sizes? Get off of their sofas and DO something? Guess weâll find out. Sometimes you want something to go away, sometimes things disappear unexpectedly⦠either way, you have a decision to make about what youâre gonna do in its absence. It could be your wife going out of town for a few days (meet you at the BAR!) or the loss of your job; today we wanted your answer to this fill- in- the- blank: WITH NO _____ AROUND, I WOULD HAVE TO ______!
My apologies for the short blog, but today was one âthoseâ days⦠also known as Monday.
Everyone seems to be on the apocalyptic bandwagon these days and today we, the Menâs Room, are climbing aboard. It USED to be that everyone decided that the Mayans were right and the world would come to an end in 2012⦠even though the Mayans NEVER, EVER said that the world would come to an end in 2012⦠their calendar simply stops there. It would be like assuming the world will end on the 31st of December every year because the calendar you bought ends there. Nevertheless, why put off until next year what can be done tomorrow. According to California preacher Berkeley Brean, the rapture begins tomorrow at 12 noon⦠so if you have plansâ¦Â If youâre pure of heart and free of sin, no worries, Jesus will float in the sky, scoop you into the air and escort you to Heaven. Not poking fun; thatâs what the âgood bookâ says. The rest of us, well, weâll be suffering Godâs wrath until October. It should be noted that Berkeley Brean made this exact same prediction in 1994⦠but he says heâs pretty sure about tomorrow. Oh, and just because he makes hundreds of millions of (tax free) dollars every time he convinces the flock that the apocalypse is coming, donât think heâs doing it just for that reason. Of course, not⦠nothing could be farther from the truth. What kind of person would do such a thing?!? Perish the thought! Anyway, letâs say this guy is right (laugh track), and your soul will be judged tomorrow, hereâs a link to a flow- chart that will let you know if you can expect to be on Godâs guest list.  See you in Hell. This is what we wanted to know today: WHATâS THE ONE THING YOUâRE GLAD YOU ACCOMPLISHED AND WHATâS THE ONE THING YOU DIDNâT GET AROUND TO?
Iâm one of those people whoâs always working on SOMETHING, so I have plenty of answers on both ends, but, frankly, Iâm just one of those people who sees things more on the âwhat do I wanna do while Iâm aliveâ tip than the âwhat should I do before I die?â angle. Like the goofy man in the commercial says, âweâre here to groove, not to endureâ. I tend to agree with that outlook, so rock on.
As for you, these are the things youâre glad you got done, followed by the things you that, well, you probably wonât get done in the next 24 hours:
Got TWO Masters Degrees in science/ still a virgin at age 29⦠which in NO WAY perpetuates ANY kind of stereotype
Happy about his 23- year- old son/ wasted time by following too many rules⦠never a problem Iâve had
Proud that he kicked drugs/ never travelled⦠man, if you knew the world was gonna end tomorrow, wouldnât you WANT TO hop back on the drug train? No? Itâs just me? OK
Just got his motorcycle license today, so heâs happy about that (congrats)/ still a virgin at age 19⦠not that thatâs SO bad, but since heâs gonna die tomorrow, he wanted at least one romp in the hay
Glad he got to go to Las Vegas/ never got a chance to buy a house⦠as a homeowner Iâm here to tell you that youâre not missing anything.
Glad he took the family trip to France a few summers ago, but heâs a virgin⦠maybe he can surprise Osama bin Laden in the afterlife!
Slept with 2 of the 5 women on his list, but he never got around to completing his book⦠or the OTHER 3 women on his list
Proudest accomplishment is his family (the one he created, not the one he was born into), but he never got to make it big as a musician
Slept with a hooker in Tijuana (and yes, thatâs his âproudâ accomplishment) but heâs never tried cocaine
Finally got a job but it doesnât start until next Thursday (but, with the rapture coming down tomorrow, heâll never start that job) but he regrets that heâs never been in a serious relationship
There were plenty more, but since weâre all gonna die tomorrow, whatâs the point?
So, the weekend is here (albeit, not for long), so time to get it started.
Until Monday (if there is a Monday) do what you do best and STAY BEAUTIFUL!â
Joe Palca and Flora Lichtman cover science for National Public Radio and theyâve written a book called âAnnoying: The Science of What Bugs Usâ. True to its name, the book doesnât just cover those things that irritate us, like other peopleâs loud cell- phone conversations, bad habits or bad smells, they attempt to scientifically explain why small things tend to drive us crazy. Take the story of one Lakeysha Beard (who is obviously Jewish, based on her name): sheâs the agonizingly annoying Oregon woman who was thrown off of an Amtrak train last week after babbling on her phone for 16 HOURS STRAIGHT! Passengers complained, but she wouldnât stop. Amtrak made announcements that everyone needed to get off of their phones, but she still wouldnât shut up. Finally, police were called and they escorted her off of the train and arrested her. The âofficialâ charge was disorderly conduct, but the truth is, she was arrested for being a rude and inconsiderate dumb- ass. Everybody talks on the phone, but no one enjoys hearing other people on their phones. Itâs just one of âthoseâ things. Maybe itâs human nature, but in the face of disaster, we rise to the occasion; in the face of something petty weâll kill each other. Road rage, bar fights⦠90% of the time theyâre the result of something wholly inconsequential, but it doesnât mean it doesnât push our buttons. Thatâs the root of todayâs question: EVEN THOUGH I KNOW ITâS NOT IMPORTANT, BUT ___________ ANNOYS THE LIVING HELL OUT OF ME?
Everything annoys me⦠including myself. As for you, here are some of the things that just chafe your ass:
People who walk laps around the ferry during the ride⦠finds it distracting, but then, everyone is distracting if you pay attention to them. Just sayinâ
People who repeat questions that they were just asked⦠based on nothing but my own imagination, Iâm convinced that people do that to buy time to come up with a suitable lie
People who ignore traffic signs
Canât take the sound of someone brushing their teeth. No reason, the sound just drives him crazy. Date people with yellow teeth!
âTed vs the FCCâ⦠pretty sure that text came from Ted
Yankees and Jets fans⦠they donât bother me specifically, but fans of any teams other than my favorites are inevitably annoying⦠especially Steelers fans
Hates having to repeat himself⦠repeat himself⦠repeat himself⦠repeat himself
Being questioned about everything⦠in other words, heâs in a relationship
Hates it when people donât flush the f@!king toilet when theyâre done⦠whatâs up with that? (oooo- weeee)
Delivers beer for a living and heâs grown weary of the âhey man, Iâll help you get that off your handsâ comments. Says heâs a people person, just wants some originality with the comments⦠so think of something original
Annoyed by people who donât replace the toilet paper⦠is it really that hard to do? It takes 5 seconds
Gath Brooks (???)
Canât stand mouth- breathers⦠claims that his inescapable co-worker is the loudest mouth breather heâs ever experienced
Hates it when people put all of the food down the drain instead of the trash
Hates it when heâs interrupted⦠which is strange because most people LOVE being cut- off mid sentence.
Delivery driver hates when people ask him âwhat is it?â He doesnât open your packages and more importantly, YOU ORDERED THE F**KING THING, so itâs probably that.
People whose noses whistle when they breathe⦠it is annoying, but also kinda funny
OK bitches, Iâm off to buy shorts⦠that I wonât wear next week.
Until tomorrow, eat your vegetables and STAY BEAUTIFUL!â
Today is the 31st anniversary of the Mount Saint Helenâs eruption. It was the deadliest and most economically destructive volcanic event in the history of the United States. 57 people, 250 homes, 47 bridges, 15 miles of railway and 185 miles of highway were destroyed. The mountain itself was reduced from 9677 feet to 8365 feet and the summit was replaced with a one- mile- wide horseshoe shaped crater. The debris avalanche was the most visible destructive evidence of the eruption, burying 14 miles of North Fork Toutle River Valley under 150 feet of mud and ash. In a seemingly unrelated story, the Marinerâs will welcome back centerfielder Franklin Gutierrez tonight. Keep in mind, the man has been on the disabled list since the start of the season because of his struggle with IBS, or Irritable Bowel Syndrome. What is IBS exactly; itâs a disorder characterized by chronic abdominal pain, bloating, diarrhea and/ or constipation. Awesome! So what do IBS and Mount Saint Helenâs have in common? Hopefully our question helps you connect the dots: WHERE WERE YOU AND WHAT WERE YOU DOING WHEN YOUR INSIDES UNEXPECTEDLY EXPLODED?
In other words, where were you when you sh*t yourself⦠but we canât actually say that.
Hereâs a sample of some of todayâs brown stories:
A lightning bolt hit his school and he crapped himself⦠happened to be the same day that Mount Saint Helenâs blew
While getting an award in the Army⦠heâd just eaten jalapeno poppers
His girlfriend puked in the Mariners Team Store after eating at Ivars
Trapped in a meth- headâs trailer, got beat up and, for a finishing move, crapped himself⦠NONE of that story sounds cool
Training at a Navy base, his intestines got tangled and ruptured⦠he crapped all over himself. Spent 8 hours in surgery and 10 days in the hospital and hasnât crapped himself again
Crapped himself sitting in church⦠put the âpewâ in pew
Was diving off of Fox Island when he crapped himself inside of his suit⦠60 feet down⦠the poop made it up to his knees and all the way up his back thanks to decompression
Crapped in an elevator on his way to lunch⦠had to g to Wal- Mart to buy new pants
Was driving a girl home after a date and crapped himself in the car⦠donât know if he got a second date out of the deal⦠although, would you WANT to date a girl who didnât mind you sh*tting in a car?
Had her tonsils removed when she was a kid. During the surgery, blood started trickling down her throat until she finally puked up pure blood. Gene Simmons would be proud⦠then heâd sue you⦠then heâd have sex with you.
Testing our personal debate as to whether you will get in a fight if you intentionally fart on another man, this guy tried to fart on an opposing hockey player but ended up crapping himself. Incidentally, didnât get into a fight
Crapped himself at his cousinâs wedding when he was 14
Back of a police car⦠cop slammed on the brakes, took off the handcuffs and bid him a âgood nightâ
Gambled and lost in a car⦠he was I-90 and had to drive the next 35 miles with a duke in his pants
Actually made it to the bathroom, made it to the middle stall, but ended up sh*tting on the shoes of the two guys on either side of him
Happened to them TODAY⦠seems that coffee + diet coke + skittles + cigarettes = sh*t in your pants
Sadly⦠or maybe awesomely, there was no shortage of unfortunate poop stories. When we came up with todayâs question, Ted was concerned that there might not be a lot of people who have soiled themselves⦠a reasonable concern but, as we discovered, completely unfounded. Seems that a whole bunch of you have had the misfortune of âreleasing the houndsâ at an inopportune moment. At least youâre not alone.
Now you know.
Iâm outta here. Grilling some food tonight since the sun decided that maybe, just MAYBE, it doesnât hate the Pacific Northwest after all.
Until tomorrow, shake it like you mean it and STAY BEAUTIFUL!â
Big ânewsâ out of California (Cali- forny- uh?), as former Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger acknowledged that he fathered a child with a member of his household staff. Must have been the maid outfit. It was that the little detail (the bastard kid, not the maid outfit) that led to his and Maria âSkellitorâ Shriverâs separation. Keep in mind, weâre not talking about some newborn⦠the kid is 10 frickinâ years old. Arnie kept this under wraps for the better part of a decade, as has the mother of the child who, as of yesterday, maintained that the kid was fathered by her then husband. When she was told that Arnie had claimed responsibility, she suddenly had no comment. So, itâs not just the Schwarzenegger/ Shriver household finding out a new family secret, but now the ex- husband of the maid is finding out that heâs been bilked out of thousands of dollars for a kid that isnât his and the kid just found out that his mother is a lying, gold- digging whore. Fun family secrets! Whatâs worse; that your mother spent the first 10 years of your life lying to you about who your father is or that she spent the last few years of her life slowly dying but didnât want to see YOU so that she wouldnât miss any time with her cat? Thatâs the discovery one woman just made and sheâs so pissed- off and hurt (understandably) that she wrote a letter to advice columnist Emily Yaffe, aka Dear Prudence for some recommendations on how to cope. Ah yes, youâve gotta love family: WHAT FAMILY SECRET DID YOU DISCOVER AND HOW DID YOU FIND OUT ABOUT IT?
At age 14 he found out that his father had been married before AND had kids with the woman
His dad was a âplayaâ (which means âbeachâ in Spanish) and that her brother just might have a different mother
His uncle is actually his father, meaning his father is his uncle. Says heâs OK with it, but who knows?
Found out he had a half brother when his father got drunk and whipped out a picture of him
Kurt Cobainâs 1st cousin is his auntâs husband⦠or as we like to say, itâs his uncle
His cousin was arrested for child porn
His mother was cheating on his father⦠with another woman. Hot? No? Sorry.
His grandfather shot someone when his mother was still a child⦠allegedly it was to protect her mother or something like that
Found out that his parents have herpes⦠found a bottle of Valtrex right after seeing a commercial for Valtrex
His mother had two abortions before she gave birth to him
His uncle was once on the FBIâs Top Ten Most Wanted list⦠congratulations!
Found out his mother was married to a murderer⦠presumably before he killed her⦠IF he killed her
Discovered that he and his brother were adopted by their father. Their mother had already had them before she got married to their âfatherâ⦠hate to put it in quotes, but just trying to keep it clear
When she turned 16 she discovered that no one knew the ACTUAL date of her birth day
Aunt unknowingly married a serial killer (as opposed to those people who marry serial killers on purpose) whoâd killed his first 4 wives who all kinda looked the same⦠creepy
Cruising the Internet he stumbled upon his MOTHERâS PRON SIGHT⦠NNOOOOOOO!
Dad was cheating on mom with HIS COUSIN
Found out that she is one of a set of twins, but mom gave one away because she didnât want twins⦠still has never met her sister
Today was a really strange day⦠weird stories all around, BUT, I took solice in the fact that none of the stories were mine. Seriously, I took comfort in that.
SIT and SPIN Plus Fisher House visit
Jolene came in today with a list of 10 songs, 5 good for driving, 5 bad for driving. Click here for the full list.
Here we are along with Joe from Elysian brewing and Cicile and Lorraine from The Fisher House.
Trivia night, bitches. Gotta go act smart.
Until tomorrow, rock hard, ride free and STAY BEAUTIFUL!â
Some British company called Diet Chef asked women when they felt too old to make certain fashion statements; stuff like bikinis, UGG(ly) boots, belly button rings, pony tails (???), etc. Iâll show the results below, but keep in mind that a separate study showed that women are content to give up the idea of having fun about 15 years earlier than men, leading to the all- too- familiar question, âwhy donât you ask your age?â It depends what gender youâre asking and what youâre asking them about. Male OR female, however, there are things that weâre all guilty of as far as maybe being too old to be doing whatever it is weâre doing. For example, itâs not shocking to meet a 70- year- old man who smokes cigarettes, but weâd all have the same reaction if he stated that he started smoking three years ago. By the same token, you wouldnât, you wouldnât be surprised if a 70- year- old man had an extensive baseball card collection, but weâd all think it was kind of weird if he still traded them with friends every Saturday morning. Iâm all for people doing what they want when they want, but that doesnât mean you wonât seem weird for doing it. WHAT ARE YOU TOO OLD TO BE DOING BUT YOUâRE DOING IT ANYWAY?
Before I get to your answers, hereâs the list from Diet Chef:
Bikini â youâre too old at 47
Miniskirt â 35
Tube top â 33
Stilettos â 51
Belly button ring â 35
Knee- high boots â 47
Leather pants â 34
Leggings â 45
UGG boots â 45
See- through blouse â 40
One- piece bathing suit â 61Â (???)
Long hair â 53
Ponytail â 51
Take it for what you will.
Here are some of your answers from todayâs question:
Collection of Nerf guns⦠as a guy, I donât see the problem
21 years old and watches the Disney Channel, âThe Wizard of (some) Streetâ, featuring Selena Gomez. Asked what she thought of Miley Cyrus and âHannah Montanaâ, we were told that sheâs a âskankâ
Plays âHumans versus Zombiesâ⦠I donât even know what that is, but itâs a live action role playing game
Loves Wrestlemania
Still enjoys comic books and 19 year olds
Watches cartoons⦠enjoys some of the âadultâ cartoons (think FOX Sunday) but âTom & Jerryâ is his sh*t
26 years old and still rocks pig tails⦠some guys love them, Iâm not one of them. Never liked them, even as a kid, and now when I see them I canât help but think of little kids. Little too pedophiliac like for me
Still gets angry when someone eats the last Oreo⦠youâre never too old to get pissed about someone eating your last Oreo
48 years old and is rocking a Mohawk
She still sleeps with a âblankieâ⦠same one since childhood
27 years old and collects Legos⦠has about 200 different sets
40 years old and loves Cap âN Crunch⦠the CapâN is delicious. I should also give love to Cinnamon Toast Crunch and Lucky Charms. I know bland sh*t like Shredded Wheat and Corn Flakes is supposed to be adultish, but Christ, they taste like cardboard
25 years old and still has sleepovers with friends
28 years old and loves swings⦠canât lie, Iâd hop a swing in a heartbeat if they could accommodate a 6 foot 4 inch tall man. Maybe thatâs precisely why they donât accommodate 6 foot 4 inch men
41 years old and she wears Hello Kitty shirts⦠kinda weird, but it also says that sheâs probably freaky in bed
Too old to be living paycheck to paycheck⦠that ainât about you, man.
Still orders Happy Meals⦠well, to be fair, itâs a better deal than ordering the same items separately. Just sayinâ
OK bitches, thatâs a wrap. Gotta go home and pretend Iâm not in physical pain. Donât run 5 miles if no one is chasing you. Trust me.
Until tomorrow, replace the grump with spunk and STAY BEAUTIFUL!â
Here we go again, itâs Friday the 13th, a day where the superstitious get particularly paranoid. There are about a million different stories about why Friday the 13th is supposed to be unlucky, and if youâre one of those people who buy into the hoopla, youâve already picked which one of those stories best supports your brand of mania. Weâve asked you about your superstitions and your personal good luck charms, but today we wanted to hear about those things you do to convince yourself that things will work out the way youâd like them to or a habit you have that brings you comfort. Take Thee Ted Smith who, earlier today, was knocking on wood after explaining that he will not go to jail for fighting at tomorrowâs Sounders/ Timbers game. Itâs not that knocking on wood prevents incarceration, but, you know, just in case. My âsuperstitionâ revolves around my daily routine; Monday through Friday, between 8 am and 2 pm, my routine is exactly the same, from the time I get out of bed until we go on the air⦠at which time I just let things fly. When my routine changes, my day is all f**ked up, even if itâs not f**ked up. Hell, an Oklahoma man by the name of Eric Torpy is such a huge fan of NBA legend Larry Bird, that when he was sentenced to 30 years in prison in 2005, he asked that his sentence be extended to 33 years so that it matched Birdâs jersey number. He got his wish⦠he has since regretted that decision. So this is what we wanted to know: WHAT UNSCIENTIFIC OR UNPROVEN THING DO YOU DO TO INSURE âPOSITIVE VIBRATIONSâ?
Sings songs from âThe Rocky Horror Picture Showâ⦠believes that from that point, his day canât get any worse
Sings old blues songs when he cooks to insure that the food tastes good
When he sees a âROCKSâ sign (before a hill of a cliff) he throws up the devil horns⦠hasnât been crushed yet, so it must be that
Makes it a point to look at a digital clock at 11:11
Still has a good luck charm his daughter made for him 16 years ago
Taps the ceiling when he sees a car with one headlight
Throws salt over her shoulder when she cooks
Knocks on glass for good luck
Has to eat chicken 4 times a week⦠heâs not even black
Someone has to wear rain gear on the job no matter the weather so that it wonât rain⦠works PERFECTLY here in Seattle! Keep it up!
Honks his horn and rolls down his windows when he drives into a tunnel
Never close a knife that another man has opened⦠brings bad luck, and, quite possibly, an ass- whipping
Always makes eye contact with the police when driving by⦠seems like a very bad idea
Carries his fatherâs Military Police badge where ever he goes
Never opens the fortune from a fortune cookie, they eat the whole thing (fortune included)⦠that canât be good
Holds his breath when he drives through a tunnel⦠DONâT DRIVE THROUGH THE CHUNNEL!
Alright, itâs Friday and Iâm ready to start my weekend, so Iâm outta here!
Until Monday, do what you do best and STAY BEAUTIFUL!â
We got our hands on a list that women should appreciate; âThe Six Things Women Do to Look Hot⦠That Men Actually Hateâ. Personally, I agree with everything on the list. Sometimes, in an effort to look good, we try too hard and end up looking absolutely ridiculous. Take Donald Trump; rich, influential, and cursed with a hairstyle that no one has ever attempted to duplicate outside of Halloween. Why? Because it looks f**king stupid. In his upcoming interview with âRolling Stoneâ magazine however, the Donald gives a detailed explanation for HOW he achieves his ill- advised hairstyle. He never explains WHY he does it, and that is the real question. Anyway, at some point, thereâs a moment or event when you want to look good; maybe youâre on the âhuntâ or maybe youâre married and your wife has explained to you in no uncertain terms that you have to look âniceâ for whatever it is you donât want to go to in the first place. All of this leads to todayâs question: WHAT DO YOU DO IN AN ATTEMPT TO ACTUALLY LOOK HOT?
For me itâs easy⦠I feed women lots of tequila.
As for you:
Keeps his mouth shut⦠when he speaks, itâs an immediate deal breaker
Puts up his faux- hawk⦠my wife and I started doing this to our daughter and find it hi- larious
Shaves the top of his eyebrows (???)
Wears his utilikilt with confidence⦠and seldom with underwear; thatâs an unfortunate truth Iâve had the misfortune of discovering for myself
Shows off his calf tattoos⦠theyâre a conversation starter
Sings
Wears a black, vinyl body suit⦠well Goddamn
Stands next to his brother
Shoots guns and rides dirt bikes⦠sheâs a petite blonde
Puts her extensions in
Wears a shirt with no stains⦠SEXY
There was more, but quite honestly, Iâm SO hung over today, Iâm calling it quits.
Until tomorrow, look both ways before crossing the street and STAY BEAUTIFUL!â
The fine folks at Yahoo just released a list of the â25 Manners Every Kid Should Know by Age 9â. The list was actually put together by Doctor David Lowry, and, PhD or not, his list of manners is pretty basic. That being said, just because the list is basic, doesnât necessarily mean anyone is actually teaching their kids these manners. Review the list foryourself:chances are, it brought back memories from childhood of your parents telling you to stop being rude. Speaking of ârude kidsâ, if you believe the fun- police at the Parents Television Council, itâs TV shows that are corrupting the sweet minds of todayâs youth. In fact, one member of the PTC, Barbara Warburton, says she willing to âdo whatever it takes to prevent children from watching âcorruptingâ TV shows like âFamily Guyââ. Two things you should know about Barbara Warburton; #1, she admits that sheâs never actually SEEN the show (but has read reviews, so, you know, thereâs that) and #2, her son Patrick (a.k.a. âPuddyâ, a.k.a. the Tick) is the voice of Joe Swanson, a character ON âFamily Guyâ. Yes, Babs knows this, but since her son is âwilling to offend Godâ (seriously, lady?) sheâs hoping the show (sheâs never seen) is cancelled. Gotta love parents⦠their influence, good or bad, never goes away. Thatâs what we wanted to talk about today⦠not the parents, but the kids: WHAT DO YOU HATE ABOUT KIDS?
Before I had a kid, my short answer would have been âeverythingâ. Now, as a proud father, my answer is ALMOST everything. Make no mistake, I love MY kid, just not yours. Iâm sure theyâre OK, but like anything, I donât want to know them. By the way, I should state that Iâm WELL aware that Iâm a d*ck, but Iâm just being honest.
Anyway, after hearing some of your answers today, Iâm not the only d*ck out there:
Lack of gratefulness⦠has two teens
They screw up all of your plans⦠has 4 kids⦠stop f**king your wife and youâll have more time
Their parents
They cost too much, they smell, ask too many questions and talk too loud⦠this from a proud parent
They become teenagers
Hates when kids tell him âyou just donât understandâ, as though he were born at age 30
Their sense of entitlement⦠thatâs not the kids fault, thatâs entirely on the parents and all of this nonsense that no one is a loser, blah, blah, blah. Guess what? Some kids are losers, some kids suck and some kids are failures⦠itâs just how life is, itâs OK.
Public temper tantrums
Their unwavering honesty⦠actually, thatâs the one thing I truly appreciate about kids; theyâre not full of sh*t
Lack of respect for adults⦠that can always be adjusted on the fly
The timing of their bathroom breaks sucks
Staring⦠kids LOVE to stare⦠kinda freaky, man. Theyâre like little Satans
Manners at restaurants
Teens swearing in public⦠I was guilty of that and still am
The high pitched scream of teenage girls
Thatâs all Iâve got today, bitches.
Until tomorrow, walk softly and STAY BEAUTIFUL!â
It started in December here in the Puget Sound area and has continued through yesterday, this time in Spokane. What am I talking about? Iâm talking about the female bank robber dubbed the âBad Hair Banditâ, who has hit at least 14 banks in the last 6 months. She was dubbed the âBad air Banditâ because she always wears a wig during her heists. Hereâs the thing, weâve seen pictures of her and based on the that swollen, pudgy gateway to hell she calls her face, we, the Menâs Room, have dubbed her âFat Tinaâ⦠and the name has stuck. We got a bunch of e- mails this morning linking us to her latest heist under the subject, âFat Tina strikes again!â We know sheâs probably proud of her media- generated nickname, âBad Hair Banditâ, but we donât think sheâs be quite as elated to find out that sheâs also known as âFat Tinaâ. Thatâs the thing about nicknames; they CAN be cool or complimentary, but if itâs a nickname that people only say BEHIND your back, chances are itâs insulting⦠just ask the Freemont Troll, Mount Rushmore, Yoda or Cattle- Ass⦠oh⦠wait, they donât KNOW we call them that. Itâs not just nicknames that can punch your ego in the balls; you might find out that people are gossiping about you and your personal life. Itâs how things work these days, so today we wanted to know: WHAT NICKNAME DID YOU FIND OUT OTHER PEOPLE HAD FOR YOU, OR WHAT DID YOU FIND OUT PEOPLE WERE SAYING ABOUT YOU BEHIND YOUR BACK?
My answers to these questions are short and simple: donât care and donât care. Iâve never really found out what people were saying because Iâve truly never cared. Just one of those things that is of no consequence to me one way or another.
As for you:
His friends called him âlast to knowâ for two years before he found out⦠which is kind of ironic
âBingoâ⦠heâd had sex in classroom B-6
âQuatâ⦠short for âquattro; he was the 4th member of the group. No offense, but when I hear âquatâ, the number âfourâ is not what comes to mind
âHan Soloâ⦠not because he was cool, but because he dated a woman with hairy âChewbaccaâ arms. Lucky you! Oddly enough, Iâve met more WOMEN nicknamed âChewbaccaâ than men. I think Khloie Kardashian is the current âChewbaccaâ. Lamar Odom must be very proud.
âThumperâ⦠had a reputation for f**king like a rabbit
âNigger- Lipsâ⦠heâs a white guy who got this nickname in high school. Before you get all PC and offended, even the black kids called him this
Pug⦠says itâs because she used to mispronounce âpigâ, but, well, weâre not so sure
âGrimmaceâ⦠he was fat and one time he laughed so hard he turned purple. Insult to injury; he worked at McDonaldâs at the time
âHogâ⦠apparently his eating habits are akin to a hog
Ben Gay⦠his name is Ben and the rest explains itself
âHerpes Daveâ⦠did Dave have herpies? No, but Dave tried to give HIMSELF a nickname, which is a guy no- no, so after telling people what he wanted to be called, he was dubbed Herpes Dave.
50 Cent⦠when splitting a bar tab with co-workers, he pointed out that one of the guys still owed 50 cents, thus, the nickname
Annie Oakley⦠shot someone with a nail gun⦠it was an accident, but still
Naughty Dottie⦠her name is Dorothy and sheâs, well, sheâs naughty, which makes her awesome
2-D⦠heâs so skinny that heâs not even in 3-D
Uni- pube⦠during puberty, he pointed out that he had only one pubic hair
So, weâve been imploring our local news media to start referring to the âBad Hair Banditâ as âFat Tinaâ. Our reasoning is this; no one likes to be insulted, and there are more stories than youâd like to believe, of criminals who got away with whatever crime, only to be done in by their own ego. See, these people watch their stories on the news, and if theyâre insulted, they do things like call the cops or the local paper to explain how and why theyâre wrong. You canât make this up. Anyway, weâre pushing the âFat Tinaâ angle in the hopes that she gets pissed- off and blows her cover. Stupid? Sure, but we stick by it. In the end, WHEN sheâs busted, weâve agreed that if Fat Tinaâs name IS Tina, weâre throwing a party and everyone is invited, so letâs all hope that Fat Tina is, in fact, a Tina⦠sheâs definitely fat.
Ah, and thanks to a listener named Chris, we have our own updated versions of the Fat Tina surveillance photos. Have a look:
SIT AND SPIN
Jolene joined us today and instead of bringing us a top ten list of this, that or the other, she grabbed the crap that record companies constantly send her and played them for us. Now we know why none of US ever want to be music directors. Read more about it here:
Thatâs it for today. I must do the trivia thing⦠ask questions and see how stupid you are.
Until tomorrow, hug a crook and STAY BEAUTIFUL!â
Smart Money Magazine released a list of â10 Things the TSA Wonât Tell Youâ.  If youâre a regular traveler by air, the list will seem more like â10 Things You Already Knew About the TSA Even Though They Deny Itâ. Then again, what do you expect from a federal agency? Case- in- point, Congress feigned outrage a few weeks ago when it became public knowledge that smart phones track the whereabouts of their owners. Congress called it a breach of personal privacy and wanted to know why the phone companies thought it was OK to do such a thing. Thatâs when it was explained to them that THEY, Congress MANDATED IT AS LAW 13 years ago, and THATâS why you have no privacy⦠because Congress ORDERED that they track you. Congress responded with a âoh, thatâs right. As you wereâ. Sounds about right. To be clear, Iâm not throwing these people under the bus, just pointing out their absurdity, but then again, no matter what industry you work in, thereâs some kind of scam or practice that the average consumer is wholly unaware of⦠by design. Today we asked you to expose the BS of your chosen industry: WHATâS THE ONE THING ABOUT YOUR INDUSTRY THAT MOST PEOPLE DONâT KNOW?
All you need to know about radio is this; donât brag to your friends that you set the time of your watch or clock because you âheard it on the radioâ⦠weâre seldom exact about it.
As for you:
Computer repair⦠chances are, your computer goes to India for repair
Masseuse⦠not required that you cover up
Delivery drivers⦠some carry 3 or 4 log books
Cook⦠your prime rib is micro-waved; not everywhere, but at his place of employ. Itâs the most expensive item on the menu, by the way.
Most people at your childrenâs daycare are not people you would let watch your kids
For delivery drivers, fragile means nothing
Red Bull is never in a soda gun, so if you order a Red Bull and whatever and they spray it into your glass, youâre getting ripped off
Most kennels donât walk and play with your dog as advertised⦠not shocked
Works in aerospace maintenance⦠mostly unskilled labor. Very comforting
Most strippers have to pay to work at the club. On average, it costs them about $130 a day
You donât have to pay for water or air at the gas station (unless youâre buying bottled water, of course)
Picks up your trash every week⦠1), they know whether or not YOU forgot to put out your trash, so donât call and say THEY forgot to grab your stuff and 2) they see you staring at them from behind the curtains
Pest control⦠they try to kill MOST of the bugs, not all; repeat business is a great thing
OK, thatâs all Iâve got today. Itâs Monday⦠gimme a break.
Until tomorrow, check yourself and STAY BEAUTIFUL!â
Sunday is Motherâs Day, the day we buy flowers, take her to brunch and buy her something similar to whatever you bought her last year, all in an effort to say âthanks for getting knocked up and birthing meâ. Actually, I canât take credit for that, I stole it from a Hallmark card. Anyway, the reason your mother is your mother is because she got pregnant, and she got pregnant because she got laid⦠and she got laid because your father did something to convince her to have sex with him. Thatâs how it works. Take Guy Ritchie and Madonna; sure, theyâre divorced now, but one of the things Madge demanded of Guy was that he get circumcised! Thatâs right, for the so- called âprivilegeâ of being with Madonna, Guy had to take off the turtle- neck. For his trouble, he is no longer with Madonna⦠or his foreskin. Then thereâs Anthony Zuiker, the creator of âCSIâ; Iâll spare you the details of his pending divorce from his wife Jennifer, but know this; only 9 months ago, Anthony dropped 0NE MILLION DOLLARS on her 40th birthday. Bet he wishes he had that cash back⦠to give to her again. Thatâs how relationships (donât) work; some one KIND OF likes you, but they fully want and expect you to make changes or compromise or whatever. Weâve all been there and today we asked you to share: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE FOR YOUR SIGNIFICANT OTHER, PAST OR PRESENT, THAT, IN HINDSIGHT, SEEMS RIDICULOUS?
Iâm married. âNuff said.
As for you:
Took a lie detector test to prove that she wasnât cheating on her boyfriend. She passed, but he dumped her anyway. On a side note, if anyone ever asks you to take a lie detector test because they choose not to believe you, dump them.
She had âbeautiful blonde hair down to (her) waistâ, but cut it up to her shoulders because her boyfriend was tired of pulling her hair out of the drain.
He proposed
In his current relationship, his woman insist that there ALWAYS be a at least one pet cat⦠which is usually the stuff of SINGLE women
Paid for her college, she graduated, got a good job and dumped him
Waxed his back for his woman⦠on the bright side, she wants to see your body
Bought her a $12,000 Tiffany ring⦠which is ri-Goddamn- diculous, but on the bright side, theyâre still married
Lost his good credit for a woman⦠I wonât mention any names, but I know a guy who refused to marry his (now) wife until she paid off her own debt. Itâs a really good idea.
Put his ex through 6 years of college while he was on active duty⦠got served divorce papers in Iraq. She was cheating. Classy broad
Took his wife on a European honeymoon, which would be awesome if they werenât already divorced. We asked why he would do such a thing and he explained that heâd promised heâd take her, heâs a man of his word, so he took her. Didnât keep his word with those pesky wedding vows, but he gave her a honeymoon.
Gave up his dog for a girl (never, ever should you do such a thing) and the girl ended up cheating. So whoâs the bitch now?
The things we do for love, or sex⦠mostly sex.
Thatâs a wrap, bitches. Itâs the weekend and Iâm ready to get it started. Donât forget, Sunday is Motherâs Day. Youâre welcome.
OK, go enjoy yourselves.
Until Monday, do what you do best and STAY BEAUTIFUL!â
Weâve had the âCrocodile Hunterâ and âThe Dog Whispererâ, now Animal Planet brings us âMy Cat from Hellâ, which is pretty much the cat version of âDog Whispererâ. It debuts Saturday for lonely women everywhere. Anyway, the host is guy by the name of Jackson Galaxy who is, as they say, a natural with cats. If you have a problem with your cat, call Jackson and heâll do whatever it is you think your cat is supposed to be doing⦠staring at you, plotting ways to kill you in your sleep. To hear it from Thee Ted Smith, we have our very own dog whisperer in this studio, and his name is Thee Ted Smith. We interviewed skateboarder extraordinaire Rob Dyrdek today. Is he good? Yea, heâs good. Is he a natural? No idea; according to his bio, he spent every free moment of his youth working at it until he mastered his craft. Thatâs the basis of our question: WHAT COMES NATURALLY TO YOU, OR WHAT DID YOU HAVE TO WORK AT TO BE GOOD?
The sad truth is, Iâm not a natural at anythingâ¦. Well, nothing productive. I can drink like a fish and itâs always been a natural thing.
And now for you:
Heâs a plant whisperer⦠has the ability to grow plants well. Might not sound too impressive, but I have a black thumb (and no, not because Iâm black) as plants come to my house to die. Iâm so bad at it that parent plants tell their children plants about me to scare them into shape. Iâm like the plant Boogey- man.
Always had great hand/ eye coordination⦠Iâd like to know what thatâs like sometime
Has been told that heâs âcharismaticâ⦠Iâve met this particular guy and Iâm here to tell you that itâs not true
Piano⦠is a natural at it, which is shocking because this particular guy (Jolly Joe) has sausage fingers. Seriously, theyâre like little, fat Vienna sausages
Making friends and influencing people⦠either sheâs really hot or really bitchy
Says heâs a natural with Pit Bulls (calls them âlick machinesâ) and squirrels (???)Â We asked about his uncanny prowess with squirrels and he explained that itâs because he feeds them.
Says heâs a natural with making a good first impression⦠admits that he has to work at not ruining things the SECOND time you meet him
Photography
Sports⦠natural athlete, pretty good at a little bit of everything
Bad jokes⦠claims he has the inability to say anything funny, which I disagree with because I laughed at that statement
Has the ability to understand how things work⦠I donât
Music⦠has taught himself how to play 7 instruments
Fixing things⦠was one of those kids who would deconstruct things and then put them back together SUCCESSFULLY⦠comes in handy now that heâs a homeowner
Natural born cook⦠had to learn how to shuffle cards
OK bitches, gotta go. Wife is hooking up a âMexicanâ dinner in honor of Cinco de Mayo. Truth is, she wants to drink tequila (she told me so) but unlike me, she waits for a definitive reason.
Until tomorrow, one finger at a time and STAY BEAUTIFUL!â
Thanks to an e- mailer, we were reminded that today, May 4th, is also known, in geek circles, as May the 4th be with you day (seriously) or âStar Warsâ day. I have no problem admitting that I was a huge âStar Warsâ fan as a kid⦠hell, even into adulthood, right up until George Lucas released his latest trilogy and just ruined the whole thing. Speaking of ruining things, NBA commissioner David Stern recently blamed former Seattle mayor Greg Nichols and the state Speaker of the House for failing to do enough to keep the Sonics in Seattle, saying they were âhostileâ to the NBA. The REAL culprit, of course, is Clay Bennett, as heâs the guy who actually MOVED the team, but to hear Stern tell it, the NBA stopped dealing with Seattle when they realized that Nichols was a douche. Speaking of douches, Charlie Sheen performed the last show of his tour last night at the Everett Event Center and we have it on good authority that the show sucked⦠which has been the sentiment at pretty much EVERY show he performed. Seems that everyone who used to like Chuck doesnât like Chuck so much anymore. Shocking. Then we stumbled upon a list of the most HATED names in 2011 and discovered that all of the trendy names new parents have been slapping on their kids (Aiden, Jayden, Kayden, Madison, Addison, McKenzie, etc) really irritate the sh*t out of everyone else. This all led to todayâs question: I USED TO BE A HUGE FAN OF _____ UNTIL _________ RUINED IT.
Metallica⦠many different answers for Metallica, including âReloadâ, Bob Rock as a producer and Lars Ulrich freaking out about Napster
Tyra Banks⦠liked her up until she started speaking. Right there with you, my man. Very annoying and, dare I say, phony, woman
Used to think his last name, Creed, was really cool, right up until the BAND Creed came along
His family⦠until his sister- in- law joined the family
Used to really like women, now heâs married and canât stand them
She used to like (as in, have the hots for) Derrick Jeter until he shagged that âskankâ Mariah Carey
Used to like Fridays until Rebecca Black recorded and, unfortunately, released the song âFridayâ. I still havenât heard the song and have no desire to.
NBA fan until the Sonics went to Oklahoma and became the Thunder
His wifeâs boobs⦠then his kid âruinedâ them
The cartoon âAvatarâ⦠then they turned it into the movie âThe Last Airbenderâ
Porn⦠then she saw Ron Jeremy⦠yea, the man ainât pretty
O.J. Simpson, until he started killing people⦠murder really f**ks up your reputation
The Dropkick Murphys⦠phony fans ruined it for him
Steve Miller⦠loved him until he met him at an airport. Never heard anything nice about that guy. In this case, the guyâs wife asked for an autograph, to which Mr. Miller replied, âIâm not doing it because youâre just gonna turn around and sell it on e-Bayâ. Iâm not surprised that heâs a douche, Iâm surprised he thinks people would spend money to buy something he autographed
She used to think Brett Michaels was downright dreamy until she discovered (via his awful TV show) that heâll f**k anything. Question: guys in Poison, Motley Crue, Bon Jovi; ladies LOVED these guys, thought they were sexy⦠fine. Hereâs my question; why do women who like men like men who look like women, but women who like women like women who look like men? Women are confusing.
Iâll leave you with that profound question.
Until tomorrow, what would YOU do for a Klondike bar, and STAY BEAUTIFUL!â
Rule 34, according to UrbanDictionary.com, is the âgenerally accepted rule conceivable subjectâ. Visit any porn site and youâll find ALMOST anything youâre looking for; amateur, Asian, black, white, big boobs, fetish, group, interracial, mature and a host of other categories that I donât think I can legally post here on the blog. The point Iâm making here is that Rule 34 seems to be true⦠in the most fortunate and unfortunate of ways. Weâve all stumbled across an image or heard stories (Enumclaw!) that make us ask, âseriously, who the f**k finds THAT sexy?!?â Inevitably, thereâs always an answer. Case- in- point, a group of anorexic women who regularly chat in an on- line help group have been recently targeted by a porn website offering them upwards of $50,000 for nude photos of their emaciated bodies. Apparently there are men out there who like this kind of thing. Then again, there are people who like chubbies, people with varicose veins, necrophilacs, sadists, teraphiliacs (people who like deformities), Somnophiliacs (people attracted to sleeping people), people who like to watch OTHER people have sex, and on and on it goes. Everyone has their thing, so we figured weâd ask: WITHOUT BEING GRAPHIC, WHAT IS YOUR THING?
My thing has never changed since I discovered that women are womanly⦠I like WOMEN. Boring, but true. You have to EXTREMELY vile for me to not be able find something attractive about you.
Here are some of the less boring answers:
Pony play, i.e., dressing up like a pony⦠I donât care WHAT people are into, but I often wonder WHEN people discovered their âthingâ. Just askinâ
Goth chicks⦠well, you should be happy you live in Seattle. Check out the Suicide Girls or Godâs Girls⦠youâll thank me later
Vaginal piercings (which I like to call MY FACE!) and women who âsquirtâ⦠he likes squirty women, Juicy Lucyâs, Wetty Bettyâs, etc
Likes the Betty Paige look
She likes the view of shirtless men doing the dishes�??
âSpinnerâ⦠heâs huge (not his d*ck, his actual frame) and he likes small girls he can âthrow aroundâ⦠you know what, Iâm gonna restate that to âsmall WOMENâ he can throw around. I think weâre all a lot more comfortable now
âA sweet, brown assâ⦠Iâll just assume I know what he means, but then again, at some point, EVERYONEâS ass is brown
Eyebrows⦠the man likes eyebrows, meaning everyone EXCEPT Whoopie Goldberg is moderately attractive (which isnât that far from the truth). Iâll spare you the details of what he likes to DO with them, but had me in giggles all day
Keeps it simple⦠likes big boobs and a big ass
Smaller, petite women with a âsort of elf- likeâ quality⦠said to picture Keira Knightly in âDominoâ. He also ads that short hair is a plus
Staring at an animal just before he kills it⦠seriously⦠and before you ask, yes, I AM scared
Likes having her hair pulled and her ass slapped⦠the beauty of this call was that she was on the way to pick up her kid from the bus stop who, she assures us, was conceived on a night of hair pulling and ass slappingâ¦Â we nick- named her kid âSpankyâ
Likes women between 5â and 5â3â, âghetto bootyâ, hourglass shape, white, blonde hair, blue eyes, anywhere from a C- cup to a DD and from 160 to 180 pounds. In other words, nothing TOO specific
Recently discovered that heâs into bondage, thanks to his new girl
Likes âslightlyâ overweight, preferably about 20 pounds overweight. Gotta think that America is his oyster! Go to Wal- Mart, my man
Pale brunettesâ¦Â well, no better place than the Pacific Northwest
Cannibals⦠have you actually met a cannibal? Maybe we ALL have, but Iâd think that most cannibals donât advertise their appetite for humans. Not like you see people wearing âIâm a Cannibalâ t- shirts
Love sex in public⦠hey, I get it, I like sex where ever, but sex in public (assuming you want to avoid arrest) is always a quickie
Likes anything rubber
Likes women in yoga pants⦠based on my (admittedly limited) knowledge of women who truly enjoy yoga, you really donât wanna see whatâs UNDER those pants
Women with freckles on her chest
Older women⦠by older, he means between 40 and 60⦠over 60, theyâre âmatureâ
Says he likes crazy women, meaning he likes women
Likes the smell of B.O. and grease on her man⦠which means he has the most low maintenance life of anyone I know. Actually, I donât know him at all
SIT AND SPIN
Today we reviewed the 12 best songs from Weird Al Yankovich. Check it out:
OK, trivia night, bitches. Iâm out.
Until tomorrow, kiss a crook when you can and STAY BEAUTIFUL!â
Assuming you live on Planet Earth, you know that American forces located and killed Osama bin Laden. By now you know the story; U.S. Special Forces went in by helicopter, dropped into his Pakistani compound, exchanged gunfire, shot bin Laden in the head (nice touch), took custody of his body and were out in 40 minutes. Obviously, thereâs more to it than that, but thatâs it in a nutshell. People in Washington and New York City, literally, danced in the streets. What does it all mean? Thatâs a discussion for another day⦠or later tonight by all the talking heads on cable ânewsâ. Today we celebrate the accomplishment of a very specific mission. Nine and a half years after he introduced himself to the world at large, bin Laden was tracked down by the American military and intelligence community and shot in the dome. Thatâs been the goal and the goal was satisfied. So today, while all of us are feeling pretty good, we wanted you to think back about the time you accomplished your own, personal mission. Maybe you got that job you wanted, maybe you go the girl⦠not A girl, but THE girl. Only you know; it was YOUR mission and today we asked you to share: WHAT IS OR WAS YOUR MISSION, AND HAVE YOU ACCOMPLISHED IT YET?
My goal, back in the day, was to play at CBGBâs in New York City. It took about 8 months of DAILY phone calls, but we did it and it was AWESOME⦠other than the uncomfortably sticky floor. It was a cool moment, a great memory and, rather unfortunately, I donât remember that much anymore besides that sticky- ass floor.
As for you:
No more child support⦠daughter turned 19 and he finally gets to save some $$$
Wants to be a ârockâ preacher⦠in other words, a preacher with a 21st century view of religion
He wore the number â3â during his high school football days. Before graduation, he a and a few other guys had their numbers tattooed on their shoulders. His goal was to sleep with 3 women in one day⦠and one day he succeeded. Bets he wishes he wore the number 57 or something higher.
Wants to get back to his âfighting weightâ of 185 pounds⦠possible to get in fights again
Just wants to get his career moving, move out, etc⦠in other words, his goal is to be independent but it not independent
Worked hard to get his band signed⦠and he DID! Then the band fired him. Asked why, he said that his band mates couldnât take his âintensityâ and âpassionâ, which is code for, âI was overbearing assh*leâ
Wanted to turn his love of classic cars into a career⦠JUST accepted a job servicing the private car collection of a California vineyard owner. Congratulations
Wants to be a bowler on the PGA tour
Find organic avocados in Renton⦠thatâs right, bitches, dare to dream BIG! If she can find organic avocados in Renton, you can do ANYTHING!
Wanted to get laid by his high school crush, but his âbuddyâ be him to it
Wants to go to Dragon- con this year to meet an author whose name I donât remember
Mission was to get laid this weekend after going through a âvaginal droughtââ¦Â in his words, âmission accomplished, bitches!ââ¦congratulations
OK, itâs Monday and Iâm dragging ass from the weekend, so Iâm calling it a day. Day.
Until tomorrow, I want to ride my bicycle, I want to ride my bike, so STAY BEAUTIFUL!â
Because it is impossible to do ANYTHING in this country without some group of knuckle- heads crying about it, it should come as no surprise that even Superman is catching flack. Weâve all heard the âman of steelsâ tagline, âtruth, justice and the American wayâ; well, in a new issued of his comic, Superman renounces his American citizenship⦠not because he hates America, but he believes that he should defend everyone on Earth. This has a group of conservatives up- in- arms, crying foul and questioning the patriotism of DC Comics. Seriously. Apparently, this select group of intellectual juggernauts is wholly unaware that Superman is, in every way, a fictional character devoid of any semblance of reality. Itâs a comic book. It wouldnât matter if Superman developed a thing for howler monkeys⦠itâs a f**king comic book. Then again, thereâs a group of lunatics who have taken exception to the fact that in the upcoming âThorâ movie, one of the Norse gods is being portrayed by a black guy. They actually plan a protest, saying that itâs not historically accurate. On a side note, the Norse gods arenât historically accurate either⦠something about them being imaginary and all. It should be noted that these fools had no complaints about Jesus or Cleopatra being white in their respective movies. The difference being that Jesus and Cleopatra are actual historical figures. Just sayinâ. On the other end of the spectrum, there are those people who use their brains in an attempt to be productive, only to discover that theyâve wasted their time and money. Case- in- point, The Daily Beast released a list of the 20 Most Useless College Degrees, and if youâre currently nose- deep in your studies, just know that thereâs a good chance that youâre spending $100,000 for a future as a waiter. The truth is, at some point, futility has become the new productivity (birthers?) and all of us have to deal with it: WHATâS THE ONE THING THAT YOUâVE PUT TIME AND EFFORT INTO THAT TURNED OUT TO BE MEANINGLESS?
My personal answer is; my 20âs. Donât remember most of that decade, and what I DO remember is pretty f**king stupid.
As for the rest of you:
Got an MBA, but so many other people have an MBA, itâs worthless
Took the time to learn French, which is an insane waste of time outside of France, Haiti and a few other locations
His body⦠works out religiously, has a great physique and chicks still donât wanna talk to him. Is it your face or your attitude?
His accounting degree⦠he works as an accountant but doesnât enjoy it and makes very little money which, on the bright side, makes his personal accounting a lot easier
Watching the âroyal weddingâ⦠my wife had it on this morning and I determined that the only thing more boring than a wedding is a televised wedding involving people you donât know
Playing in bands⦠did it myself back in the day and while I understand his point, you gotta consider all the sex and drugs you got along the way. Waste? I think not
Online dating⦠whatâs wrong with just meeting people in the flesh? Thatâs a rhetorical question; thereâs nothing wrong with that. The thing is, everyone says, âI donât have timeâ. If you donât have time to meet people, how do you have time to date?
Learned binary code⦠never did, never will, thank God for apps
His girlfriend taught him ballet (???) and then she dumped him
Acting school⦠also known as the gateway to wait staff
Boy Scouts⦠earned a bunch of merit badges only to discover that none of them have a practical application⦠unless youâre trapped in the woods
Cheering for the Supersonics
Has his Masterâs Degree⦠works as a teacher
Learning cursive⦠weâve talked about it before, but other than your signing your name, whatâs the point anymore?
FAT TINA⦠weâre not entirely sure that Fat Tina actually exists, but Fat Tina kinda became our unofficial mascot today. If you heard the show, you kinda know who it is. I only bring it up because Fat Tina has been a source of much amusement today. Fat Tina⦠youâre a disgusting whore and we love you!
OK, itâs the weekend, bitches. Go enjoy it!
Until Monday, do what you do best and STAY BEAUTIFUL!â
The NFL draft goes down tonight at 5pm (Pacific) and for football fans across the country, this yearâs draft will be a bitter- sweet occasion. Itâs always cool to see what new player your team will add to the roster, but itâs even cooler when you expect to actually see them play later in the year. Probably wonât happen this year however, as one group of millionaires is in dispute with another group of millionaires. Touching stuff. Nevertheless, the draft will go on, and for some players being drafted will be as bitter- sweet as watching the draft will be for fans. Why bitter- sweet for the players? Imagine you get drafted by the Bills, the Lions, the Browns, the Bengals or the Packers; the cold, hard reality is that youâll be living in Buffalo, Detroit, Cleveland, Cincinnati or Green Bay. If youâve spent any time in any of these places, youâll understand why players would hope to NOT be drafted by any of them. Then thereâs the men and women in the armed forces; being in a combat situation is bad enough, but being in a combat situation in Afghanistan makes it even worse. As the soldiers often tell us, you spend your time asking yourself why anyone would WANT to live there. On the other hand, if youâre like most guys, the idea of going to the Playboy Mansion and splashing around in a hot tub full of bunnies seems awesome⦠up until you get Legionnaireâs Disease⦠like hundreds of people discovered a few weeks ago. Theyâre not looking forward to going back. Todayâs question: WHEREâS THE ONE PLACE ON EARTH WHERE YOUâD NEVER WANT TO RETURN?
Oklahoma⦠spent 7 years there and hated every minute of it. I remember when the Sonics were leaving for Oklahoma a lot of the players were grumbling that theyâd have to live in Oklahoma
Kent⦠every time he goes to Kent he gets busted for smoking weed. Didnât seem to understand that he doesnât HAVE to smoke weed every time he goes to Kent⦠not in PUBLIC, anyway
Hawaii⦠he was stationed there for three years. Never found out what his gripe was, but in my one experience there, the cost of living is the worst thing about it
Lodi, California⦠worked there at a carnival
Golden, Colorado⦠spent time in juvy there, and juvy has a way of skewing your perception of anywhere
Canada⦠went 17 years ago and was strip searched. Pissed him off so much that he will never go back
Jail⦠amen
His job⦠doesnât wanna go back, but he keeps doing it
Chicago⦠personally, I love Chicago, but he had the misfortune of being there for a âharsh winterâ. When Chicagoans call a winter âharshâ, it is f**king HARSH
North Dakota⦠he described it as the âsphincter of Canadaâ
His brotherâs house because his sister- in- law lives there. He hates her, she hates him and he almost hates his brother
PG County, Maryland⦠that would be a DC suburb that is also Thee Ted Smithâs home town. It is not awesome there
Gary , Indiana⦠Iâve been there once and once is three times too many
The DMV⦠I donât know anyone who enjoys going to the DMV
South Central Los Angeles because itâs exactly what you heard it is
Any flight on Northwest Airlines⦠says they have the worst customer service and the worst food
The interrogation room at the Regional Justice Center⦠spent two hours there
The Wal-mart in Jerome, Idaho⦠it just sounds sad
Calcutta, India⦠has to go there for business and hates it
Mazatlan, Mexico⦠got jumped in downtown. Oddly enough, my wife and I will be headed there this August⦠staying in downtown
His proctologist⦠explains itself
El Paso, Texas⦠and heâs been to Iraq
ANIMAL MAN
Tim Harrison joined us today in studio. We talked to him once before by phone, but we got to meet the man today. Who is Tim Harrison? Heâs the guy who gets called when an âexotic animalâ (meaning an ill- advised pet that will kill you⦠i.e., lions, tigers, chimps, etc) escapes or does what wild animals do. You see a lion eating the neighbor; call Tim. Chimpanzee ripping the limbs off the neighborhood kids? Call Tim. Well, Tim is the focus of a documentary called âThe Elephant in the Living Roomâ (check out the trailer here: and he came by to talk to us about it. Interesting guy, nice guy, but a f**king scary guy. Dude is in the karate hall of fame and he deals with killer animals⦠donât f**k with Tim Harrison. Hereâs a picture of Tim⦠and us.
Iâm outta here, bitches.
Until tomorrow, Iâm the smoke in your eyes (or some dumb sh*t like that) so STAY BEAUTIFUL!â
Next time you and your friends make fun of the dude wearing eyeliner, just know that thereâs a good chance that heâs getting laid more often than YOU⦠and not just by other guys. Princeton University just completed (another f**king) study about what women find attractive on men, and believe it or not, the women surveyed were digging dudes in eyeliner. Weâre betting that thereâs a percentage of men out there who just read this and will start wearing eyeliner in the hopes of getting laid. Guys do all kinds of stupid things for sex. Believe me. Take former Major League Baseball star Lenny Dykstra; he placed an ad on Craigslist looking for a housekeeper. A 47- year- old woman showed up for an interview and Dykstra decided that it would be a good moment to strip naked and try to convince her to work some âhand- magicâ on his bed- snake. She called the cops instead⦠which is why we know about it. Thatâs pretty much the same thing that happened to 58- year- old Stephen Delaphaine; he whipped out his meat- pickle in front of a woman delivering newspapers and asked her, âyou want some of this?â She did not. And the folks at www.thefrisky.com put out a list of the âtop 10 most inappropriate places to flirtâ, and the reason the list even exists is because, in the quest for coitus, people will flirt anywhere, no matter how ill- advised. This leads to todayâs question: WHAT WAS YOUR MOST PATHETIC ATTEMPT TO GET ASS⦠AND DID THAT WORK OUT FOR YOU?
Asked his roommate if he could use a sex toy on her⦠she said yes and he spent the next two months have endless sex with her; right up until she got a boyfriend
Tried the cheesy âSay Anythingâ move, you know, held a boom box over his head with some sappy music⦠his batteries died in about 3 seconds later so he went home and jerked the pickle
He did ballet for years for the sole purpose of getting women⦠it worked
Lost 100 pounds in 6 months as part of a bet to go out with three different women⦠two of them didnât pay up and the one that did didnât âput outâ
Was a virgin in college so he got drunk and Facebooked the dorm slut⦠they chatted and he lost his virginity. Finally, someone using Facebook for its purpose
Flirted with a ballerina while working backstage at a production of âThe Nutcrackerâ⦠she slapped him and walked away. Found out later she was a lesbian
Used to work at a bowling alley, spotted a hot chick and thought heâd be clever by putting a note with his phone number in one of the finger holes in her ball. She read it and promptly complained to the manager⦠who fired him. See there, even women you DONâT date cost you money
Dancing⦠says it never works. My personal theory with dancing is, either be really, really good or really, really bad. Iâve gotten chicks after demonstrating my version of the robot (really, really bad)
Sent flowers to a woman as a âsecret admirerâ but another guy took credit and dated the broad for over a year. When he finally admitted that HEâD sent them, the woman didnât believe him and was âdisgustedâ that heâd lie about something like that. Sign your f**king name.
Visits onlinebottycall.com⦠itâs desperate but it works. In other news, thereâs a website called online⦠youâve already stopped reading this, havenât you?
Tried to pull a âslickâ move in bed but ended up âsmashingâ the girl AND farting on her⦠theyâre married now
Chatted up some random chick, went out to her car, she pulled a gun and robbed him
Smoked an entire ball of meth (never smoked before or since) to sleep with 3 chicks in Spokane⦠points out that he didnât sleep for 3 days. Doing meth for ass; THAT, my friends, is the textbook definition of being desperate for ass. Usually it works the other way around; people on meth give up the ass for more meth
Cuts down trees for a living, but in an effort to score some booty, he attended an event PROTESTING cutting down trees, even chained himself to one⦠boss saw him on the news
His real name is Mike Rowe⦠convinced a woman that he was the Mike Rowe from âDirty Jobsâ⦠it worked⦠they got married last weekend
SIT AND SPIN
Today Jolene stopped by for a little sitting and spinning. She also wrote a blog about it, you can read it here.
There you go, bitches. Iâm outta here for a little trivia action⦠meaning, drinking.
Until tomorrow, stay dry, stay up and STAY BEAUTIFUL!â
A few years ago (2006), Bill Nye the Science Guy made the mistake of going to Texas once to discuss science, which is akin to going to the Vatican to espouse the benefits of Islam. Anyway, he was in Waco to participate in McLennan Community Collegeâs Distinguished Lecture Series where he talked about a variety of topics. One of those topics was the not- so- secret fact that the Moon doesnât produce its own light, it reflects the light of the Sun⦠much the way a mirror doesnât reflect anything unless thereâs a light on.  You might remember this conversation from 2nd grade. Texas doesnât. So when Bill explained why the moon glows, he was met with boos because Genesis 1:16 says different. One woman even yelled âwe believe in Godâ before storming out with her three unfortunate children. (*sigh*, followed by a face palm) Meanwhile, Minnesota House Speaker Kurt Zeller was on a radio last week (Wednesday, if you care) talking the usual partisan garbage when he revealed a level of stupid youâd hope no American politician would broach, but he did. The long and short of it is this; he explained that voting in this country is a privilege, not a right. (repeat *sigh* followed by face palm) Well Kurt, it IS a privilege and a RIGHT. He corrected himself the next day after his âpeopleâ showed him the Constitution which clearly states SEVERAL times that voting is a right. Glad he got around to reading the thing he took an oath to defend. On a personal level, Miles and I were once asked if the movie âThe Curious Case of Benjamin Buttonâ was based on a true story. If you donât know, âBenjamin Buttonâ is about a guy who is born old and progressively gets younger⦠which is all the hint you need, really, but we were asked. That inspired todayâs question: WHAT CAN YOU NOT BELIEVE PEOPLE DONâT KNOW OR WHAT COULDNâT YOU BELIEVE WAS ACTUALLY TRUE?
AAAGGGHHHHHH!!!!!! This was the kind of show that makes me wanna pack my bags and move off of the f**king planet.
Against my better judgment, here are some of todayâs answers:
His 23 year old buddy was unaware that raisins were dried grapes
A girl in his English class pointed out that no one has ever used a nuclear bomb on another country, which is true (we used ATOMIC bombs on Japan) but she was unaware of the American response to Pearl Harbor
A college girl asked if she could get AIDS from anal sex⦠donât know if anyone responded, âletâs find out!â
His âreligiousâ pal didnât know that most Christian holidays are just repackaged pagan holidays (Christmas, Easter, etc)
Cannot believe that people still think OJ Simpson is innocent in the murder of Nicole Brown and Ron Goldman⦠well, technically he IS innocent, but in reality, HELL NO!
Canât believe that people think Elvis is still alive. Weâll just assume he means Elvis Presley, as Costello and Grbac are still alive
His wife was concerned that the radio in the truck they bought in Oregon wouldnât be able to pick up Washington radio stations when they drove it home. She wasnât his wife at the time and in spite of her concern, he married her anyway⦠which tells US that sheâs awesome in the sack
Couldnât believe that Sarah Palin thought Africa was a country, not a continent⦠personally, Iâm not surprised by that AT ALL
A woman asked where her prostate was⦠itâs in your husbandâs ass
Was stunned when Bill OâReilly argued that the tides were an act of God because weâve never figured out what causes them. Well Bill, we ALL know what causes tides⦠except you. Actually, I defended Bill, arguing that his ignorance was for entertainments sake and that there was no way he didnât know the real answer. Who knows?
His aunt didnât know the difference between 100 thousand and 1 million. Thought they were the same but just regional references
On yesterdayâs show we asked âwhatâs the worst crime committed by someone you knowâ and, essentially, we spent two and a half hours hearing about murder and rape. This didnât go over too well, as we got countless e- mails and texts telling us how depressing the show was, why they had to turn us off, etc. Yea, we know⦠we were here. On the bright side, murder and rape bothers you⦠and thatâs a GOOD thing⦠make sure it always does! Well, today we decided to talk about unicorns that fart rainbows and skies that only rain sparkles. You know those bumper stickers that read something like âIâd rather be fishingâ or âIâd rather be surfingâ or âIâd rather be clubbing sealsâ⦠well, theyâre just a testament to the things that make those people happy. Today we want to know what makes you happy⦠which, clearly, is not murder and rape. Weâre not talking about winning the lottery or taking a vacation, weâre talking about things you have a reasonable chance of doing on any given day. Maybe it IS fishing or surfing or clubbing seals, or maybe you like to work on the car, read a book, cook or hang out with the kids⦠YOUR kids, you pervy bitches. Today we attempted to spread good cheer⦠not really, but we talked about things that make you happy. Awwwwwâ¦OTHER THAN SEX, DRUGS AND BOOZE, WHAT DO YOU DO TO FIND YOUR HAPPY PLACE?
I thought that by eliminating sex, drugs and booze, Iâd have a hard time coming up with an answer, but much to my surprise, there ARE things I enjoy that arenât a vice or completely illegal. Not A LOT of things, but a few, and here they are; seeing my daughter smile (for the RIGHT reason⦠not because she puked on me or sh*t herself), beating my bass like itâs personal (although I suppose itâs always personal) and not pissing off my wife for a full 24 hours⦠concurrently, not added up over a period of a month.
As for you:
Playing golf
Bondage with the wife⦠which ignores the whole âOTHER THAN sexâ¦â part of the question, but no worries, didnât apply to this guy, just everyone else
Snowboarding or mountain biking⦠two things Iâd never considered until I had medical insurance. Itâs not I think these activities are particularly dangerous, but lack of skill MAKES them dangerous
Messing with people on âchat- rouletteâ⦠thought that was the point of chat roulette
People watching⦠also known as âpoor- manâs anthropologyâ
Jujitsu
Killing people⦠on X- Box
Sitting at home alone⦠or as he put it, âsitting at home while the nagging wife is at workâ
Shopping on craigslist⦠Iâve never made an on- line purchase in my life. No Amazon, no e- bay, no craigslist, nothing. Itâs not a stance I have, I just hate computers
Going to the gym⦠that is in direct opposition to anything I do
Mindless TV⦠is there any other kind of TV?
Alone time
Hanging out with his sonâ¦Â got divorced, lost custody and looks forward to hanging out with his kid
Playing softball
Loves to ride his horse, Trixie, who was named after the âwhoreâ from âDeadwoodâ
Playing his drums
Mosh pits
Frisbee golf⦠hate to admit it, but Frisbee golf is awesome
Flies a plane⦠this is not from Colton Harris- Moore
Bowling⦠I enjoy bowling specifically because I suck. Like pool and darts, I enjoy it because Iâm no good. The point Iâm making here is that when people are really good at things, they take those things very seriously and seem to have less fun. Sadly, thereâs not a lot of things I take too serious
Working out on his Bow- Flex⦠which I find amazing only because the few people Iâve ever known with a Bow- Flex never used it. Well, they used it, but they used it as a coat rack. MAP
By the way, hereâs a link to a map that shows what each state does wellâ¦. Why did I include this link? We covered some of the states on the list and then got flooded with requests for each state, so here you go!
Itâs the weekend, so go enjoy it.
Until Monday, do what you do best and STAY BEAUTIFUL!â
On todayâs show we talked to David Rose, host of âWashingtonâs Most Wantedâ. He dropped by to talk about the milestone they reached when they captured their 200th person. We were glad that none of us were them, but I digress. Keep in mind, âWashingtonâs Most wantedâ, like âAmericaâs Most Wantedâ, relies on tips from the general public to track these clowns down and put them behind bars. See, they rely on what inevitable truth; most criminals are dumb enough to expose their crimes to someone, whether itâs a friend (who can be bought), some chick theyâre trying to impress at the bar or, the ultimate in unparalleled stupidity, they share their exploits on Facebook. It happens more than you think. The point is, 9 times out of 10, if you commit a crime (a real crime, not petty stuff like smoking weed) someone knows you did it, and with a big enough cash reward or enough legal threats, theyâll give you up. Not YOU, of course YOUâD never roll on anyone⦠not for that $50,000 reward. Today we offered no reward for your story of âsomeone elseâsâ crime, but this is what we asked anyway: NO NAMES: OF ALL THE PEOPLE YOUâVE KNOWN, WHAT IS THE WORST CRIME COMMITTED BY A FRIEND, FAMILY MEMBER OR ACQUAINTANCE?
Iâm just gonna go ahead and avoid answering this question. Having lived in Baltimore for 23 years, the EASIER question to answer is did you or do you know ANYONE who WASNâT up to no good? No, itâs impossible, and thatâs why Baltimore is Baltimore. Actually, I can spill the beans on one guy, Robert White because he was gunned down after getting into a shoot- out with the cops. Yea, he was that kind of guy. Got into a fight with him in high school⦠he didnât shoot me, but he had a hell of a right hand⦠or so said my jaw.
Here are some of the people youâve known, who werenât so cool to know:
Knows SEVEN people who went to jail for murder⦠seven SEPARATE murders
His uncle tried to flee to Florida after murdering someone in a drug- bust- gone- wrong⦠which kinda sounds like Girlsâ goneâ wild, except f**ked up!
A high school classmate committed date rape on several occasions but none of the girls reported it. Karma being the kind of bitch we all hear about, the same guy was later killed when someone pushed him in front of a moving car
Knew a drunk driver who killed someone⦠now he knows a convict who killed someone
Just found out that a co- worker was arrested for possessing and distributing child pornography. He worked, drank and played golf with this guy
A family member of his assaulted and raped a woman⦠that same family member is currently serving 100 years in prison
His brother is currently serving 15 years for 10 different armed robberies
She dated Martin Pang, the guy who burned down his parents store that resulted in 4 firemen dying⦠she didnât date him at the time of his crime (â95), but when she wasnât surprised that Martin was the culprit
He knows 2 murderers⦠both of them were caught as a result of âWashingtonâs Most Wantedâ
His best friend (BEST) is âWashingtonâs Most Wantedâ 200th capture
His uncle committed a TRIPLE homicide over cocaine. Over coke? Really?!? Youâre a disgrace to drug addicts
Actually WITNESSED a murder when his friend shot another guy TWICE
His wifeâs co- worker went to jail after threatening President Obama and sending him a package of fake anthrax⦠and I donât think he means a bootlegged copy of âAmong the Livingâ
His step- father murdered his mother
His wifeâs friend killed her mother, chopped off the head, arms and legs and put the torso in a trash bag and then fled to Florida. Would have gotten away with it if they werenât caught
His grandfather was a child molester⦠never molested a family member, so it came as a shock
Went to school with TWO serial killers⦠and yes, he went to school in Washington state
Her husbandâs second cousin is Gary Ridgeway⦠worse, his uncle looks JUST LIKE Gary. Some guys have all the luck
Needless to say, todayâs show was fairly heavy, but I really didnât think it was THAT heavy, but, alas, we were inundated with texts and e- mails telling me different. One office agreed to turn the show off because it was too depressing. Said it was the first time theyâd ever done so⦠which is kinda hard to believe. Nevertheless, we all survived.
OK bitches, Iâm outta here.
Until tomorrow, shake it once, rub it twice and STAY BEAUTIFUL!â
So today is April 20th, or as itâs better known, 4:20⦠and we all know what that means, itâs Hitlerâs Birthday! Wait⦠what? Oh, my bad⦠in ADDITION to being Hitlerâs birthday, itâs also the day that amateur pot smokers treat like the second coming of Christ. For veteran pot smokers, 4:20 is akin to a married manâs view of Valentineâs Day⦠we donât need a day to tell us to love our wives or a day to appreciate the awesome that is weed. .. but here we are. A LOT of people smoke weed- more than you think- but today is the day that all weed smokers look bad, or amateur or stereotypical. Itâs just one of those things. Then again, just over two weeks from now, amateur drinkers across the country will crowd bars to celebrate Cinco de Mayo (sigh). Like St. Patrickâs Day and New Yearâs Eve, everyone who cannot handle booze will drink anyway and ruin an otherwise perfect night to throw a few back⦠making regular lushes look bad. Hell, if youâre a blonde woman who has an I.Q. at least the same as room temperature, Paris Hilton, Pamela Anderson and Anna Nicole smith never helped your image a whole bunch. Itâs OK though, Iâve been having to explain Flava Flav since the 80âs. If youâre from Enumclaw, youâve been âenjoyingâ the horse- f**ker comments for a few years now, and if youâre from West Virginia, like our very own Miles, well, you know. Todayâs question: WHO EMBARRASSES THE HELL OUT OF YOU AND YOUR KIND⦠WHATEVER âKINDâ YOU MIGHT BE?
Away we go:
As a Buddhist, heâs embarrassed by New Agers, hippies and Vegans⦠never knew the phonies compared themselves to Buddhist. Yea, sucks to be you, man, but you should be able to rise above. OOOHHHMMMM!
âSuper gaysâ⦠heâs gay without acting âgayâ, which, he assures us, is an act. Hates the flamboyant types
Rottweiler owners⦠we donât know why, but weâre guessing that he does non- Rottweiler owner things like let his dog indoors and doesnât require his dog wear a spiked collar
Hates the stereotype of nerds and geeks because heâs a nerd and a geek⦠but heâs also married, has a successful job and doesnât live in his parents basement
Heâs a self- proclaimed redneck⦠he hunts, fishes, 4x4âs, etc, and much to his chagrin, Larry the Cable Guy has become his mascot
Sports âhooligansâ⦠heâs a sports fan but, occasionally, people assume heâs one of âthoseâ guys
Heâs a bald, white guy from Idaho who is NOT a racist, but he doesnât get a lot of help from other bald, white men from Idaho
âFlamersâ⦠heâs gay, but points out that as a gay MAN he likes MEN, not men who act like women⦠never understood that myself. Iâm hetero and like women, but never found manly women attractive
The Westboro Baptist Church⦠is it because heâs Christian? He says âa littleâ, but more because heâs a human being. Donât sweat it man, they went to Mississippi this Saturday to protest a funeral and received some âMississippi justiceâ. The police didnât get a good description of the attackers and, frankly, theyâre not looking very hard. You knew it would happen and, if youâre like me, you couldnât be happier
Hates cops on a power trip⦠heâs a cop and feels they give him a bad name
What's Your State Bad at?
One of the inspirations for todayâs question was a map we stumbled across titled The United States of Shame, where they detail what each state is best at doing the worst. For example, Washington holds the title for the bestiality capital of America. I know, totally awesome. If youâre interested in what the other 49 states are doing wrong oh- so- right, hereâs a link:
Iâll leave you with that.
Until tomorrow, roll it, flick it and STAY BEAUTIFUL!â
First it was lawn darts, then Slip and Slide, candy cigarettes and cap guns; now, at least in New York state, you can add dodge ball, Red Rover, Wiffle Ball, Capture the Flag and Steal the Bacon (???) to the list of things that kids might not be able to do. Oh, kickball and tag are ALSO being considered for inclusion on New Yorkâs ârisky listâ⦠activities too dangerous for kids. I WISH I were making this up, but it looks like New York, along with a few other states, is trading in its pants and work boots for a skirt and high- heels for fear that kids TODAY are somehow softer, stupider and clumsier than we were as children. That being said, there were plenty of risky and life- threatening things we did as kids that weâd NEVER let our kids do now⦠legal or not. Growing up, every kid I knew would beg their parents to let them ride in the bed of the pick- up truck en route to the grocery store or wherever, or your father would hand you a bundle of M- 80âs and tell you to get outta the house and go blow things up with your friends⦠just be home by sundown because when it was dark out, things were, you know, DANGEROUS. Think about Halloween⦠I never, ever went trick- or- treating with parental guidance; you went out all night and came home 5 minutes before you figured your parents would be pissed⦠not worried, but pissed. These days, that idea is a popular as feeding your kid broken glass. Thatâs what we were getting at today (not feeding your kids broken glass, but) WHAT DID YOU USED TO DO AS A KID THAT YOUâD NEVER LET YOUR KIDS DO NOW?
Quad jousting, which is exactly what it sounds like
Ride his bike three miles to the grocery store by himself⦠never see kids riding alone any more
BB gun wars⦠lotta fun but insanely dangerous⦠assuming you still have vision in both of your eyes. If you donât, shoot on
Tried all the stuff in the Anarchist Cookbook⦠pipe bombs, napalm, mustard gas, etc. Yea, youâll want your kids to avoid that
Lived in the Congo from ages 7 to 10 years old and would play with poisonous snakes⦠I donât know, I think the idea of âplaying outsideâ in the Congo is a generally risky idea
Started smoking cigarettes at age 9 and moved up the ladder to weed by age 10⦠naturally, he wants his kid(s) to avoid that
Used to use the local sewer pipes as tunnels to slip around the neighborhood
Walk out of the neighborhood⦠period. That might be one of the suckiest parts of being a kid these days, youâre ALWAYS under parental supervision of some kind, so you canât get into the kind of mischief children deserve to get into
Used to tease dogs to see if they could jump over the fence before the dog ripped them apart⦠we used to do the same thing in upstate New York⦠up until Vince DeStefano went down and got mauled. Live and learn
Jump off the balcony or out of trees⦠what were we thinking?
Play on the railroad tracks⦠used to do that too, but, admittedly, we would give approaching trains a wide berth
Go tubing down a river without a life jacket
Catch bees⦠terrible idea, unless you like pain
Will never let his kids find his parents pot⦠nice
Eat dog food⦠yea, donât let them do that
SIT AND SPIN
Today Jolene came by for a little sitting and spinning, today she brought us the top ten songs to put us to sleep. Click here for Jolene's wrap up if you're feeling tired.
OK, gotta run and do trivia tonight, bitches. You should check it out sometime.
Until tomorrow, moonwalk forward and STAY BEAUTIFUL!â
Normally, April 15th is the day that working Americans dread most; TAX DAY! Itâs the day that you fork over the money YOU earned so that it can be misspent by a group of crooks you donât like. If you DONâT pay on time, you get punished and half to pay MORE money. Well, the 15th has come and gone but this year, those faceless money- takers at the IRS have given us until today, the 18th to get our taxes to them. Even though the due date for taxes is always around the same date, there are always millions of people who wait until the last possible second to get their taxes done and spend their time stressing out, trying to make sure they get that all important pre- midnight post mark. Itâs the same story every year and, usually itâs the same people involved in that same story. Itâs just one of âthoseâ things. Procrastination, of course, isnât limited to taxes; students faced with a major term paper will start the paper the night before itâs due and finish it with only minutes to spare⦠or maybe that was just me. OK, if youâre married and your wife has asked you to clean the garage of fix the one f**ked- up toilet, thereâs a good chance that sheâs still waiting for both of those things to happen. Hell, we have people e- mailing and calling us every week telling us how theyâre putting off filing for divorce⦠and their lives arenât getting any better during the wait, or maybe youâre like me and youâre finding ways of avoiding that doctorâs visit. Itâs part of human nature; just because we have something we need to do in no ways guarantees itâll actually be done. WHAT DO YOU KNOW YOU NEED TO DO, HOW LONG HAVE YOU KNOWN YOU NEED TO DO IT AND WHY HAVENâT YOU DONE IT YET?
Heâs a stay at home dad with a 2- year- old, waits until the last possible second to clean up before the wife gets home
Needs to take down the crumbling chimney in his attic before it comes down on its own⦠in which case heâll need a new attic
Has been putting off getting his bachelorâs degree for 4 years which, ironically, is how long it takes to get a Bachelorâs Degree
Had hernia surgery 12 years ago but it hasnât healed correctly, so in spite of the fact that his hernia leaks (LEAKS, bitches) he hasnât gone back to stop the ooze
Needs to clean his gutter and take down the Christmas lights⦠the CHRISTMAS LIGHTS, man?!? Itâs April for Christâs sake!
Has put off getting a job⦠for two years! Donât sweat it, weâve avoided working for about 6 years now.
Knows that she needs therapy but wonât or hasnât done it⦠if you KNOW you need therapy, you probably need therapy as the last people to ever know theyâre crazy are the crazy people. Just sayinâ.
Has been ignoring the fact that he needs an oil change for 6 months, which is approximately how long it would take Miles to change your oil.
She just wonât finish the backsplash in her kitchenâ¦Â says itâs because she uses her kitchen so much. Shouldnât that be the reason⦠never mind.
Heâs avoided going to the dentist for the last 5 years, but heâs had dental insurance the whole time. On the âbrightâ side, by the time he actually goes to the dentist, heâll REALLY appreciate having that insurance
Been separated from his wife for three years but wonât pull the trigger on a divorce. Says heâs worried about losing his stuff. You need to worry about that the moment you get married or not worry about it all. In the end, stuff is just stuff.
Needs to finish rehabbing his kitchen⦠itâs been three years
Hasnât washed the car for TWO YEARS⦠but said he did it today because we âshamedâ him into it. Glad we contributed to something productive. That never happens.
OK, time for me to enjoy some brisket and Matza Ball soup. Itâs Passover (well, it will be at sundown)⦠and Iâm not Jewish, which makes the whole thing so much better.
Until tomorrow, one finger at a time and STAY BEAUTIFUL!â
Yesterday, ABC announced that theyâre cancelling the soap operas âAll My Childrenâ and âOne Life to Liveâ. Both soaps are over 40 years old, and theyâve both aired over 10,000 poorly acted episodes. Anyway, this fall, theyâre over, and old women everywhere will be lost. Last month, Quaker Oats, the people behind CapâN Crunch (among other things) were planning to end the cerealâs run after sales went down. It still sold over 100 million dollars worth, but that was 6.8% less than last year, so the capâN was given his marching orders. Quaker claimed that the drop in sales were related to the anti- childhood- obesity campaign thatâs all the rage in America these days. Quaker changed its collective mind after people lobbied to save it. Keep in mind, it wasnât sugar addicted kids writing letters in crayon to Quaker, it was angry adults. So, if youâve wanted to enjoy the odd goodness of the CapâN, you can. Do you know what people REALLY want to enjoy? Maybe you remember the results of a survey we brought you a few weeks ago that revealed that 50% of married women are still thinking about âthe one that got awayâ. In other words, when they look at YOU, they wish you were that guy they were looking for on Facebook. Oh well. All of this leads to todayâs Friday Fantasy question: NOT THAT YOU CAN, BUT WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO EXPERIENCE ONE MORE TIME?
The first thought that pops into my head is, a Ravens Super Bowl victory⦠although watching the Steelers lose this past Super Bowl was f**king AWESOME!!! But enough about meâ¦
Would like to experience another 4- way⦠it was him and three women for two days doing naked Twister. Wishes he could do it again, and he CAN, if the price is right
Would like to experience a good show from us⦠like the question says, ânot that you canâ¦â
Free championship boxing⦠back in the day, when boxers were good at boxing, you could watch the best fights for free on a Saturday afternoon⦠Ali vs Fraiser, Fraiser vs Foreman, Ali vs ?Foreman, etc.
Played in a total of one Arena Football League game and would like one more chance to play
Wants to go back to surf in Hawaii⦠we know what youâre thinking, and he explained that he just canât afford it. If youâve ever been to Hawaii, you know thatâs true
The feeling he got the first time he got high⦠way to chase the dragon, baby
Shake hands with Dimebag Darryl
Would love to experience some âstrangeâ again⦠thatâs his way of saying heâs married⦠or he has no game
Would like to sleep with a 20 year old again⦠at what age are you officially too old to sleep with a 20 year old without being âcreepyâ? Whatâs that? Did you say 73? Yes? AWESOME!
Wants to relive losing his virginity again⦠says his first time wasnât so great, so he doesnât want to relive the experience as much as he wants to do a do- over
College⦠not for the partying and the booze and the drugs and the girls, but to change his major⦠got a degree in accounting but wants to do something else
Wants to relive the experience of having a divorce finalized AND winning custody of the kids⦠never been in a custody battle, but Iâve been divorced and, yea, making it official is f**king great!
Combat⦠he was in Desert Storm/ Shield and loved it (???)
Wants to relive his 20âs⦠if I could remember my 20âs, I might feel that way too
OK bitches, time for us to head to Showbox SoDo for tonightâs Rock Girl Gala. If youâre there, I wonât remember seeing you, if youâre not there, I wonât remember NOT seeing you.
Until Monday, do what you do best and STAY BEAUTIFUL!â
Last Friday, Democrats and Republicans found a way to put their pettiness aside just long enough to compromise on a budget plan that avoided shutting down the Federal government, protecting the paychecks of 800,000 people who have nothing to do with their idiocy. Even though the only REAL difference between the two parties is what theyâre willing to lie to you about, that one difference is enough to prevent them from working together to solve or resolve anything⦠but they DID do it last week. Meanwhile in Mexico, there is a dying language called Ayapaneco. Of the 7 billion people on this planet, a whopping total of TWO people on Earth speak it; they live only a half- mile away from each other and, as luck would have it, they hate each other so much that they wonât talk to each other, leading linguists to believe that the language will die when they do. Yea, they hate each other THAT much⦠and no one knows why because the only people who understand them are each other, and like we pointed out, they wonât talk to each other. Speaking of, well, speaking, talk to any Seattle Sounders fan and theyâll tell you that the Portland Timbers, like every member on this show yesterday, can suck it. There is no love, but both Sounders and Timbers fans will agree that our mutual hatred is good for the MSL. Thatâs how it goes sometimes; you have an enemy who you hate with every fiber of your being, but due to circumstance, you have to co- exist or work together. You can hate your ex- wife, but when your kid gets married, you gotta be civil, right? Anyway, todayâs question: WHEN DID YOU HAVE TO PUT YOUR DIFFERENCES ASIDE AND WORK WITH THE ENEMY?
Early in my radio career, I had this crappy sports show on late- night, but it was a less crappy sports show than the one that was on right before me. Anyway, the guys on the show before me HATED me (not all that uncommon) and they would talk mad sh*t about to their fan. Yes, FAN⦠no one listened to their show. This went on for a few months and, honestly, I didnât really care. I didnât like them a great deal, but I didnât mind the insults. Anyway, we all show up for a mandatory meeting one day and the boss informs us that theyâre killing MY show, but that Iâd be the new host of THEIR show. Made for an intense few weeks, but eventually, we all learned to appreciate each other and actually, we got along really well. Go figure.
As for you:
The ex⦠for the kidâs sake. Has another 5 and a half years of pretending to not hate her before he can finally treat her like the bitch she is⦠actually, he never said that last part, Iâm just taking a little creative freedom
Has to ânot killâ a guy who routinely shows up at his buddyâs house with 6 gang- bangers because (1) the guy is currently a co- worker and (2) heâs currently training to be a cop⦠and they frown on things like murder
Did a few tours in Iraq and had to work with some very suspect Iraqi âsecurityâ forces. Knew they were up to no good, but orders are orders
Dealing with his âwith co- workers everydayâ⦠come on man, itâs the 21st century
Had an enemy as freshman, sophomore and junior in high school. True enemies, to the point that they got into fist fights almost every weekend. Senior year rolls around and theyâre stuck in the same 1st period gym class; they both notice some other guys picking on a skinny, helpless kid and they both intervened on the helpless kidâs behalf. They still didnât like each other, but they silently agreed to âdo the right thingâ.
As an Alaskan fisherman, he was on a boat with a guy he couldnât stand, but you have to find a way to co- exist on a boat. How do you do that? Well, in this case, you consume large quantities of whiskey and weed and you learn to like each other.
Was building a garage for a friend⦠3 days before he was scheduled to get paid, he found out that his âfriendâ was f**king his girl. He spent the next three days being âniceâ so he could get his money. It wasnât easy, but he got paid.
OK, time for me to go home and hang with the bay- bay. Tomorrow is the Gala. Hopefully youâre there, but if not, well, weâll tell you all about it Monday. In the meantime, have yourselves a fan- Goddamn- tastic evening.
Until tomorrow, live and let drink and STAY BEAUTIFUL!â
Despite lots of planning, the construction of a multi- million dollar Space Gallery and the (misplaced) confidence expressed by state officials, the Museum of Flight found out yesterday morning that they will NOT be getting a space shuttle from NASAâs retired fleet. Sure, theyâll get a fuselage trainer (picture a shuttle without wings), but thatâs not what they were hoping for. Getting the fuselage trainer is akin to getting a year supply of Chicklets as a concession prize on a game show; you WANTED to win a million dollars, but you didnât, so you get gum⦠thanks for playing. Meanwhile, Charlie Sheen is currently on tour performing his one man show. People were all excited about it up until the point that Charlie actually started PERFORMING his show. So far, audiences have discovered that listening to a chain- smoking drug addict rave like a lunatic isnât worth paying money for⦠which is why OUR show is absolutely free. And then thereâs the black bear spotted climbing a dam in The Dalles, Oregon. It had climbed itself into a dangerous situation, getting tangled in some cables and concerning officials that it might fall 75 feet into the water below. The Army Corps of Engineers, the Oregon Department of Fish and Wildlife, teams of biologists and local police all started brainstorming how to rescue the bear. In an unusual display of animal compassion, they finally decided to just shoot the thing in the face and watch its fuzzy corpse drop into the water. Great plan. These stories inspired todayâs question: WHEN DID YOUR BIG PLAN END IN DISASTER?
After getting hired to work on a cruise ship, he discovered what itâs like to actually work on a cruise ship⦠it sucks. He worked as a dishwasher, 12 to 14 hours a day, 7 days a week for 5 months.
His big plans ended in disaster when he started investing in real estate⦠I think we all know why, and if you donât know why, chances are youâre rich
His big plan ended in disaster the 1st, 2nd and 3rd time he got married
His big plan was to fart, his reality was dirty underwear⦠word to the wise; if you think youâll lose the fart- gamble, you will
His well thought out plan was get a stripper to fall in love with him by giving her lots of money⦠what ended up happening was that the stripper made loads of cash and he remained alone
Attempted to be a stand- up comic until he discovered that you need to be funny
After living with his father- in- law for a year and a half to save money to buy a house, he and wife found the house they wanted, began the closing and then he found out he was being laid off
Went to Mexico for a vacation but stayed in Mexico for the incarceration
Quit his current job for a better job but the better job never happened and now he has no current job
He and his youth ministry went to Venezuela on a 17 day project⦠on day three, the country descended into civil war. Not a good time to be a foreigner. Luckily, the guy in charge âknew a guyâ who flew them out of the country before very bad things happened to them
Moved across the country to be with a girl, but she dumped him a few weeks later⦠some guys have all the luck
Went to Sasquatch Festival, went to take a sh*t outside and fell into his own brown pile⦠fat, drunk and covered in your own poop is no way to go through life, son.
Yea⦠todayâs show ended up becoming the answer to the question we asked. Not sure what happened, but the show spiraled into a world of âsuckâ quickly. See, the plan was to have an enjoyable show, but it ended in disaster. Aw well, these things happen.
OK, my head has been pounding all day as a direct result of New Originals practice last night⦠well, not the practice part, but the, âletâs drink like itâs our jobâ part. Fun but painful.
OK, until tomorrow, donât do drugs because that will leave more for us and STAY BEAUTIFUL!â
Iâm happy to say that most of break- ups have gone rather smoothly, which, now that I think about it, tells me that most women are more than ready to be done with me after a little while together. Here I was, thinking that I was a smooth conveyor of words, but alas, my message of a break- up was just music to their ears. I can live with that. Anyway, the only really, really bad break- up I had was with the 1st wife. It wasnât bad to ME⦠I was f**k ecstatic⦠but her, not so much. I always knew she was a lunatic, but in the words of Spinal Tap, she turned it up to â11â after we separated. Iâd never been stalked before (or after) and Iâve gotta tell you, itâs creepy, man. It lasted for months⦠YEARS really, but I was hard to locate for a little while⦠and she was the reason why.
As for you:
Guy killed the puppy that heâd bought for her⦠what did the dog do, man? Or did you say, âIâm gonna kill the bitchâ and kill the literal bitch?
Girlfriend broke up with him via tex, a few minutes later she changed her Facebook status to âsingleâ and had a new boyfriend the next day⦠or as we see it; sheâd had the boyfriend for at least a month but took that long to break off the other relationship
His girlfriend (weââ, EX- girlfriend) followed him home, entered his house, tore the posters off of his wall (this was high school) and then punched a hole in the wall⦠which he could have covered with posters, butâ¦
Boyfriend drove 98 mph with a BROKEN LEG in an attempt to follow her after breaking up. Lucky for her, the cops intercepted him
He broke up with a girl, and like any reasonable adult, she tried to stab him in the chest with a kitchen knife. Word to the wise; donât break- up in a kitchen.
Showed up at his house at 3 in the morning (drunk), jumped off of his bunk- bed and broke her leg, which leads me to ask, what kind of grown man has bunk beds? Or were you dating at 8- years- old? My bad⦠it was a college dorm
Dude threatened to kill himself, but he stole her cat instead (???)
His ex tried to jump out of a moving car⦠he was going 70 mph. Why do people do that? Iâve been mad enough to want beat the sh*t out of OTHER people, but Iâve never wanted to hurt ME.
Broke up with a woman who, at that time, worked for Verizon Wireless. After breaking up with her, he got an additional $900 charge on his bill. She also added $900 to his PARENTS bill
He found out that his wife was cheating, confronted her about it, so SHE hired two guys to beat the piss out of him⦠THAT makes sense⦠if youâre a f**king lunatic
He broke up with a woman, so she filed a false rape charge⦠for Christâs sake people
Broke up with a gal and woke up to find his truck windows smashed and his tires slashed
After the break up, his ex- girlfriend moved in with HIS grandmother⦠naturally we asked what the hell is wrong with his grandmother, and he explained that she had been swayed by the ex who said she still had feelings for him. So what?
Her ex beat her up pretty bad, so she called the cops. In spite of being bloodied and bruised, SHE was arrested for domestic assault. WTF?
Broke up with some psycho woman who proceeded to beat up his dog and then called the cops and reported him for animal abuse. Cops bought into hook, line and sinker, and his dog was taken away. Hasnât gotten it back yet.
After breaking up with a girl, she grabbed a shotgun and started looking for the shells. On the bright side, she wasnât going to kill HIM, she was going to kill HERSELF. Apparently she was one of those types who always threatened suicide. I probably shouldnât even say this, but⦠it seems to me that people who WANT to be dead are already gone. General belief Iâve always had; anything that can be done accidentally is not terribly difficult to do on purpose, so getting pregnant and dying rank high on that list
Broke up with some broad and she carved her name into his car. From a criminal point of view, thatâs a really stupid idea. Donât carve your OWN name into someoneâs car⦠the evidence will never work in your favor. If it were me, Iâd carve the name âLarryâ or âJeffâ into someoneâs car⦠any name that isnât mine. Or maybe you can just NOT carve your name into someoneâs car
Found out his wife was two months pregnant⦠even though heâd been at sea for 6 months. Even people who suck at math can figure this one out.
OK bitches, New Originals drinking practice tonight, so Iâm outta here. And by outta here, I mean Iâm going down the hall.
SIT AND SPIN
The Grammies, or the people behind the Grammies, have mercifully decided to cut a bunch of categories, so Jolene brought us some of the winners from years past from the categories that have been eliminated. Hereâs a link to the madness:
Until tomorrow, kiss a crook and STAY BEAUTIFUL!â
So the Masters went down this weekend in Augusta. If youâre a golf fan, it was one of the more exciting ones in recent history. If youâre NOT a golf fan, it was still one of the more exciting in recent history⦠and if youâre a female reporter, it was more of the same. A New Jersey columnist named Tara Sullivan made this discovery yesterday when she was barred from entering a locker room where other (male) journalists had gathered to conduct interviews. Augusta has since issued an apology, saying it was a misunderstanding. (insert laughter) Keep in mind, women at Augusta arenât banned, per se, but Augusta has made it clear that theyâre not entirely welcome. Then thereâs Josh Duhamel; Hollywood heart- throb (so says my wife, who makes odd, heavy- breathing noises every time she sees him), husband of Fergie and apparently, a douche. You may or may or not remember, but last December, Josh was thrown off of a plane because he decided to be âthatâ guy. He was asked repeatedly, and refused repeatedly, to shut off his cell phone before a flight. Yea, he issued an apology too. Oh, and one of the guys behind the âSonics- gateâ documentary attended a book signing over the weekend and was thrown out. Itâs not that he really did anything, itâs just that the book signing was for Howard Schultz, the guy who sold the Sonics⦠and a target of much ridicule by the Sonics- gate guys. Anyway, all of this leads to todayâs question: OTHER THAN A BAR, WHEN HAVE YOU BEEN ASKED TO LEAVE⦠AND WHY?
There was time in my life when I was eventually asked to leave anywhere I was. Alcohol abuse + drug use + a big mouth = âget out!â On the bright side, things have improved in the last few years. Havenât really been kicked out of anywhere lately (except the neighborhood bar, but bars donât count today⦠oh, and a bar in Alaska, but thatâs whole different story⦠and so is the OTHER bar I was thrown out of in Alaska)) but I know Iâve gotten close. Lately, I reserve my worst behavior for air travel, but I figured it out; get piss drunk DURING the flight and they wait to reprimand me you until after it lands. They canât really open the door and push you out at 36,000 feet⦠even though you can tell they want to.
Kings Table Buffet⦠apparently, âall you can eatâ has a limit
Safeco Field⦠booed the Mariners and was thrown out for not âhelpingâ the team⦠wasnât drunk
Chuck E. Cheese⦠he was 17 (already wrong) and learned how to scam the ticket machine from a â5 year- old Mexican girlâ (???) got caught and was thrown out
The Greenwich Observatory in England⦠donât know what he did or what the Observatory is
A Mexican boarding school⦠Iâm not sure I like the sound of that. Iâm just gonna assume they were a student
Thrown out of a casino for being underage⦠thatâs a good reason to get thrown out
As the manager of an adult video store, heâs had to kick people out for bringing in their kids⦠who the f**k brings their kids to a porn shop?!? Itâs not that kids donât like porn, but I wouldnât want my kid to know what kind of a freak I am
On that note⦠he was thrown out of a ânoveltyâ shop because heâd âreadâ the magazines everyday at lunch but never buy anything
Kicked out of a âgrowersâ house⦠a guy who grows weed, not a guy with a permanent erection
Got thrown off of a bus in San Francisco but we never found out why⦠been to Frisco a few times in the last couple of years and from what Iâve seen, I canât imagine what you have to do to get thrown out of anywhere
Kicked out of a Shariâs Restaurant after convincing his friend to snort a line of Sweet & Low on the table⦠hell, if heâd snorted 2 packs, Iâd have bought him a drink
Thrown out of a mall in Texas because he was wearing a shirt that read â10 Reasons Why Beer is Better Than Jesusâ. Yea, not gonna fly in Texas
OK bitches, Iâve gotta hit the road, but before I go, I should tell you that I found out earlier today that there a bunch of you fine (and not- so- fine folks) who read this blog with regularity, so thanks for that. It should be noted that itâs weird to type a blog every day and have no idea if anyoneâs reading it, but more than that, I type like old people f**k (in the words of George Carlin), slow and sloppy⦠but itâs a pleasure. Anyway, just thought Iâd pass that along. I guess you guys are OK after all, so Iâll stop talking smack about you. Iâm kidding⦠or am I?
Peace, bitches.
Until tomorrow, Iâm the smoke in your eyes, so STAY BEAUTIFUL!â
Former NBA star Allen Iverson was recently pulled over in Atlanta for a traffic violation. Instead of just accepting his ticket like a grown man, Iverson acted like, well, Allen Iverson, and went on a 20 minute, expletive- filled tirade explaining how rich he is and asking that one question that solidifies your place as a douche bag; âdo you know who I am?â Yea, youâre that overrated, washed up basketball player who runs his mouth like a 3- year- old girl ALL THE TIME. Thatâs OK though; this past February, San Diego Chargers wide receiver Legedu Naanee asked the same question when he was arrested in Indianapolis for public intoxication⦠âdo you know who I am?â Yea, youâre that guy whose name no one can pronounce. A few years ago in NYC, buck- tooth sensation Miley Cyrus was at a burger joint and after placing her order, felt compelled to ask the manager, âdo you know who I am?â Yea, youâre that untalented fool who confuses ânepotismâ for âhard workâ. And then thereâs LeBron Jamesâ mother, Gloria, who bitch- slapped a valet in Miami Wednesday night⦠but not before asking, wait for it⦠âdo you know who I am?â Yea, youâre the woman who hasnât had to EARN any of the money that youâre siphoning off of your son. Anyway, the above quotes led us to todayâs question: IâM PRETTY SURE THAT I WAS THE LAST PERSON TO FIND OUT WHO _________ WAS, BUT I CAN ALWAYS GO TO _____________ FOR EVERYONE TO KNOW MY NAME?
Tom Skerrit⦠heâll always be the captain of the Notromo from âAlienâ to me. I know heâs done other things, but I honestly canât think of any of them
Kurt Cobain⦠you may have heard of him
Justin Bieber⦠I had absolutely no idea who he was either. Iâd heard the name, but I didnât know if he acted or sang or whatever. The first time I saw the kid was when he guest- hosted SNL. STILL had no idea what he did until he performed a song⦠which led me to ask, âwhy does he do it?â
Didnât know who the postmaster of Spanaway was⦠yea, I know what youâre thinking, but the submitter delivers mail for Spanaway. Found out who he was when he pulled her over and scolded her for wearing headphones while delivering mail.
William DuVall⦠the new singer for Alice in Chains
Snooki⦠if you were the last to know, youâre also one of the luckiest people in America
Jason Statham
Axel Rose⦠what makes it better is that she actually MET the guy and had no idea who he was
Keanu Reeves⦠the most versatile actor EVER
Blake Lewis from âAmerican Idolâ⦠Iâm very glad they included the âAmerican Idolâ part because I had no idea who the f**k Blake Lewis is. Actually, I still donât know who the f**k Blake Lewis is, but I hear heâs a nice guy
Freddie Mercury⦠considered themselves a âQueenâ fan, but didnât know who Freddie was until AFTER he died
We found a little later that there were a group of people who found todayâs question âconfusingâ. Really?!?
OK, itâs the weekend, and thereâs this fiery ball in the sky that Iâd like to enjoy, so adios.
Until Monday, do what you do best and STAY BEAUTIFUL!â
Ever heard of Robert Titcomb? Seriously, dudeâs last name is Titcomb⦠and he happens to be a 49 year old Honolulu resident who is friends with President Barack Obama. They went to high school together and have been buddies ever since. In fact, when Obama visits Hawaii on vacation, he and Titcomb still play golf and basketball, go out drinking and hang out on the beach. Hell, they hung out together this past Christmas. Well, not that it matters, but Titcomb was arrested Monday for soliciting a prostitute. Actually, he was one of FOUR men arrested for trying to get some âstreet actionâ, but Titcomb was the only one NAMED because heâs the only one of the four who happens to be friends with the President of the United States of America. Hell, the headline even reads âObama Friend Arrested for Soliciting a Prostituteâ. Poor guy just wanted a slice and now heâs making INTERNATIONAL news because of who heâs friends with. Itâs all who you know, and in this case, knowing the most powerful man on Earth is working AGAINST him. Frankly, we donât care but weâre pretty sure we know how this will play out; Obama will feign ignorance and disappointment PUBLICLY, but weâre thinking that heâs not surprised. We all know how our friends are, what theyâre like, what theyâre up to, all their dirt, and thereâs a good chance thatâs WHY youâre friends with them⦠and thatâs we today we wanted to know: NO NAMES; WHAT STORY WOULD YOU SAY YOUR BEST FRIEND IS LEAST PROUD OF?
Itâs kinda hard to narrow it down to just ONE story; whatâs worse, sh*tting your pants while having sex with an ENORMOUS woman in her car, getting hit BY a car while freaking out on heroin, or discovering that the âwomanâ you brought home has one select man part? Iâm leaning toward #3, personally, but Iâve kept all of these tales under wraps for his own good. Well, THAT, and he has an equal number of stories about ME that I will gladly be taking to the grave. The worst part is, to date, there are NO stories that make me laugh to the point of tears quite like the ones we WONâT share.
OK, most of the stories today were long and involved (as they should be when youâre sharing the dirt) so Iâm going to do my best to give you the short version. I might not actually do my BEST, but Iâll make a little effort.
Friend of his arrested for masturbating in his car in front of a park⦠I donât know why, but that seems like the WORST thing to be busted for
Crapped his shorts in front of a bunch of people
Her friend, who currently works at a church ALSO happens to work as a dominatrix
His friend, at age 15, was banned from South Hill Mall forever after he dry- humped a fake panda bear for 2 minutes⦠yep, thatâll do it
His buddy got all liquored up and had sex with an equally drunk lady. At some point he had to relieve himself, but instead of pulling out and going to the bathroom, he simply peed IN her. Chivalry, itâs dead.
Woke up in a dumpster (classy) and his friends were completely frozen because heâd peed in his sleep⦠and it was December.
His friend sprayed his junk with Clorox bleach (terrible idea, bitches) after going bareback with a random chick he hooked up with. Got chemical burns on his Johnson and had to get ointment from the doctor
His high school âsweetheartâ ended up in porn⦠not sure whatâs embarrassing about that
Got scammed by a hooker in Canadaâ¦Â unsolicited, she shows up at their hotel and asks if they want âcompanyâ. His buddy says yes and ends up getting robbed at knife point
Friend used a sandwich bad (two of them, actually) in lieu of a condom. I donât mind the ingenuity, but I canât believe the woman was cool with that. Bless her
Friend was ârapedâ by a dog⦠a Rottweiler was in heat, cornered his friend, knocked him down, growled and snarled at him until he submitted, then dry humped him to completion. That is an unfortunate situation.
Went streaking, but his buddy ran into a mailbox and knocked himself out
OK, time for the New Originals to get together and start drinking practicing for next weekâs Rock Girl Gala. Good times!
Until tomorrow, if it touches cotton, you failed, and STAY BEAUTIFUL!â
According to the American Society of Aesthetic Plastic Surgery (just rolls off the tongue), more and more children are getting plastic surgery than ever before. In the last 10 years, cosmetic surgery for kids is up 30%. Apparently, the uptick in kiddie plastic surgery is due, in part, to bullying. In other words, if someone makes fun of your ears or nose boobs, just get a surgery to change it⦠and then the bullies can poke fun at you for being a complete p*ssy. At any rate, your already expensive child will be worth a little more. Speaking of your âworthâ, different government agencies have tried to estimate the value of individual life. For example, the FDA estimates that youâre worth about $7.9 million, while the EPA would give you $9.1 million for your life and the Transportation Department says youâre worth $6.1 million dollars. Go ahead, try to take out a loan against the value of your life. Weâll wait. Ah⦠welcome back. Today we wanted to know: AS FAR AS MONEY GOES, HOW MUCH DO YOU THINK YOUR LIFE IS WORTH, AND PHYSICALLY WHAT BODY PART DO YOU THINK YOU COULD GET THE MOST MONEY FOR?
I apologize for todayâs lack of blog, but today was one of âthoseâ days. Apologies all around.
Until tomorrow, rock hard, ride free and STAY BEAUTIFUL!â
Western Washington native and Philadelphia Phillies pitcher Kyle Kendrick had his World Series ring and other baseball memorabilia stolen from his home in Mount Vernon. Kyle wasnât home, of course, preoccupied with this whole âits baseball seasonâ thing, but heâs received word and, as youâd expect, heâs pissed⦠pissed, but not embarrassed. The folks at Conde Nast Publishing on the other hand, theyâre probably embarrassed. Conde Nast are the people behind magazines like Vogue, Glamour, Vanity Fair, GQ and Wired. They paid 2 different e- mail scammers a total of 8 MILLION DOLLARS, believing that they were paying their own graphics publishing department. All the scammers did was send Conde Nast a phony invoice claiming to be the graphic department and they were each cut a check, no questions asked. Both scammers have since been caught, but they each made millions just by asking. And then thereâs Puyallupâs own Skyler Norris, who had a fundraiser to help his family in Japan whoâd been devastated by the earthquake and tsunami. He collected thousands of dollars from bleeding hearts (and just generally decent folk) and THEN he admitted that he made the whole thing up. Two words: stay classy. Anyway, whether you were the culprit or the victim, we wanted to know: WHATâS THE MOST VALUED THING YOUâVE HAD STOLEN OR WHAT HAVE YOU TAKEN?
Never been much of a criminal⦠let me rephrase that⦠Iâve never been much of a THIEF, but the time in my life when I routinely went to the store and stole stuff was in high school when I was the go- to- guy for all of your porn magazine needs⦠and teenagers need LOTS of porn. Basically, my friend and I would go the local Rite Aid on Sundays, grab the very thick Sunday paper and load it with porn. Back then, all the magazines were in the same section, so youâd just pretend youâre thumbing through the latest issue of Rolling Stone while stuffing the paper with Oui, Cheri, Swank, Hustler, Club, Club International, Penthouse and the occasional Playboy⦠depending who was featured. The issue that Vanity did a pictorial⦠lots of demand for that one. Anyway, had a nice operation going⦠and then my mother found my faux- invoices and client list and, well, things were not good for me for a while after that. Ah⦠the good old days.
Bought himself a new Gibson SG guitar (think Angus from AC/DC) and let his buddy âborrowâ it. Thing is, he didnât hear from him for two weeks and couldnât track him down. When he finally did, his friend said it had been âstolenâ out of his car.
In high school, his back pack was stolen, but as a result, he lost all of his original art work. Other than Picasso or Monet or someone, what are you gonna do with someone elseâs art work?
His 1950âs Danelectric Silverstone guitar was stolen⦠and it was given to him by his grandfather right before he died. Thatâs double the insult.
A month after buying himself a new motor cycle, someone else stole it
Stole an ounce of weed from his parents. His parents thought the dog ate it. Gotta wonder how weird that dog was?
Lost $25,000 worth of tools and the 14 foot trailer they were in⦠works as a contractor
Found out just today that someone drained $3000 from his account last night.
His âClash of the Titansâ tickets were stolen. I know what youâre thinking, and no, not the MOVIE, but the concert featuring Anthrax, Megadeth, Slayer and ⦠aw sh*t, someone else.
Used to steal painkillers from his best friend⦠should be pointed out that his friend actually NEEDED them for pain
This is a tale of DOUBLE tragedy⦠not only did someone steal his $1500 bike, but they ALSO stole the 5 pound block of Tillamuck cheddar cheese that was strapped to it (???)
Used to steal thousands of dollars worth of copper wiring
Stole cash from his motherâs job and got his mother fired⦠kids are awesome!
OK bitches, Iâve gotta run and do trivia. Be good or not, but it do it well.
Until tomorrow, only slap with the back of your hand and STAY BEAUTIFUL!â
Thereâs a website out there called www.thedailymeal.com and itâs exactly what it sounds like; a website devoted to recipes, meal ideas, places to visit for great restaurants, etc. Over the weekend, the folks at the Daily Meal put together a list of the 4 worst foods to cook when youâre naked. Personally, I donât recommend cooking ANYTHING naked, and while the list assumes you have no common sense, it IS an accurate list. In a nutshell, donât cook bacon, tomato sauce, potato latkes (for all of you who routinely slave over potato latkes) and hot peppers naked. This is the kind of list weâd normally feature in our segment âNo Sh*t, Sherlockâ, where we bring you the latest headlines from the world of âscientific researchâ. For example, some of the latest news includes a story that suggests that acne negatively impacts teensâ self- esteem. Other earth- shattering revelations include things like âhouse cats hunt birdsâ and âmen prefer women who are great in bedâ. Sadly, all of those âstudiesâ are from THIS year. And then there are those everyday situations we hear about on the news where we question the common sense of our fellow man; âman shot after aiming gun at policeâ⦠no kidding; âthief posts video of his crime on Facebook is caughtâ⦠shocking. Well, even though itâs easy to sit and back and question the intellectual missteps of those around us, weâve all been victims of our own stupidity. Today we asked you to share: IâM PRETTY SURE EVERYONE IN THE WORLD KNOWS THIS, BUT I THINK I WAS THE LAST PERSON TO KNOW ___________.
Didnât know that âporch monkeyâ was a racist term
Not a good idea to insert a butter knife into a toaster unless you WANT to be jolted to next week
Discovered that fat, ugly folks cheat too⦠itâs just more insulting
That his sister gave birth⦠found out on Facebook⦠she lives 30 minutes away
Was watching some movie and asked everyone who the main character was⦠no one could believe that he didnât recognize John Wayne
Last to know what Jell- O is made of⦠fruit flavored bone marrow, anyone?
Whilst (yea, I wrote âwhilstâ) talking to his geographically- gifted girlfriend about a road trip to Alaska, she said, âyou canât DRIVE to Alaska, stupid! Itâs an island.â On his behalf, I think we should all take a moment to do a face- palm.
Found out that vegetarians donât appreciate people calling non- vegetarian food (meat?) ânormal foodâ⦠which is strange that vegetarians call themselves âvegetariansâ.
Thought that the term âslept withâ meant you actually slumbered with someone⦠not had crazy, monkey sex with them. Then again, putting a dog to sleep isnât exactly what it sounds like either.
His girlfriend was shocked, just SHOCKED, to discover that men donât have to sit down to pee
Never knew you had to open the flue BEFORE you light a fire in a fireplace. Well, you donât HAVE to, but you really should.
His buddy didnât know that Alice Cooper is NOT the lead singer of Alice in Chains.
Wife asked him who America fought in the Civil War
At age 24, asked his friendâs when unicorns went extinct
His ex thought âplaceboâ was an actual medicine
Only recently discovered that pickles donât grow on trees
Didnât realize that the Target logo was, oh, I donât know, a TARGET!
OK then, time for me to go.
Until tomorrow, sever ties with all you know and STAY BEAUTIFUL!â
Here in the Menâs Room we just love us some surveys, and the latest to make its way into our world is courtesy of Head and Shoulders, the shampoo people. As youâd expect from people who make shampoo, their survey was to find out what men think about. (???) The survey was conducted, initially, to see if there was any truth to the old adage that men think about sex once every seven seconds⦠which would imply that when we DO think about sex, we think about it for 6 seconds or less. Well, it turns out that we do think about sex, but apparently, we only think about once every two hours, and for a full 15 minutes a day. According to the survey, we spend TWICE that long thinking about our mothers⦠although, hopefully not at the same time⦠you freaky little monkeys. Supposedly we also spend a lot of time thinking about our jobs (we spend most of our time thinking about it), money, hair loss (an interesting find for a shampoo company), sports and a few other assorted things. Basically, the survey reveals that most of us have fairly boring lives. Today we wanted to hear about the mundane thoughts swirling around your dome: DAY TO DAY, WHAT DO YOU THINK YOU THINK ABOUT THE MOST?
Away we go:
Like a lot of people, he thinks about being rich⦠because heâs not rich⦠or named Rich
Beer and brewing⦠heâs a home brewer
Being the Incredible Hulk (???)
What he would do if he won Mega Millions
Where heâs gone wrong in his life⦠dwelling on the past might be one of those things. Just sayinâ.
Baseball
His mortality⦠way to be positive, my man!
Food combinations and recipes
Errands she needs to run and whatâs for dinner⦠wow, thatâs what you think about when your mind WANDERS? You need to start drinking or something
His baby on the way⦠found out his girl is pregnant on Valentineâs Day
Spends most of his day concerned about what might be stuck in his beard⦠said he worries about it all day but wonât consider shaving the thing off
Finding treasure⦠treasure, of course, is relative, so what kind of treasure are you dreaming of?
Wonders what heâd be like if he were a crack head⦠you know, thereâs a way to find out
The upcoming weekend⦠not THIS upcoming weekend, but any given upcoming weekend
His kid in Texas
Dreams of taking a road trip across the country
Women, cars, ribs and bonfires⦠I translate that to mean that he dreams of breaking womenâs ribs and then burning their corpse in a car, but I could be wrong
Picking up and moving to another country⦠what country would you pick?
Nameless sex and chocolate⦠gotta love horny fat chicks
Sex and philosophy⦠gotta love horny nerdy guys
OK, gotta go.
Until tomorrow, you what you do best and STAY BEAUTIFUL!â
The fine folks at Hallmark, those witty rhyme- masters behind the greeting cards, just conducted a survey and discovered that the age at which a woman becomes her mother is 32 years old. We donât know what âscientificâ methodology they used to come up with that number (although we suspect it was akin to pulling the number â32â out of their ass) but there it is. Meanwhile, across the âpondâ, psychology professor Car Cooper, at Lancaster University in England, conducted a survey of men and women and determined that women start feeling old at 29 years old, while men donât start feeling old until weâre 58. So the next time your woman says, âarenât you too old to be doingâ¦â, you can look her in the eye and tell her, âno, but YOU are.â Youâll still end up sleeping on the sofa, but youâll be right. Why is there this difference in perception of âoldâ? Seems that women start feeling old when they encounter a gray hair or two and when their boobs start sagging. For men, itâs when our d*cks stop working. Itâs really that simple. Anyway, we recognize that the federal government recognizes that youâre an adult at age 18, and the recognizes you as a responsible one at age 21, but letâs face it, most of us just feel like big kids until, well, whatever happened that inspires your answer to todayâs question: WHEN DID YOU FEEL OLD?
I donât really feel âoldâ (in spite of being old), but in the time Iâve been with my wife, sheâs gone from being able to count the gray hairs in my beard to now LOSING count of the gray hairs in my beard. Either Iâm getting grayer, or sheâs losing her cognitive ability.
Here are some your answers to todayâs question:
When Playboy bunniesâ birthdays are the same year as his high school graduation
Started making moves on a chick who wasnât old enough to get into the bar
When his 6- year- old asked if he drove cars or rode horses when he was growing up
When she became a grandma at 36⦠or maybe when she became a mother at 17⦠the apple does not fall far from the tree
Had surgery on her ovaries, which put her into menopause⦠sheâs 19
Went back to college at 25 and felt old
When some kid called her âoldâ⦠sheâs 27⦠and obviously looks like sh*t
At 21 years old he started to think that the âkidsâ were playing their music too loud
Started feeling old when he had a heart attack⦠fair enough
When his youngest kid turned 20
Eâs 24, but he felt old when he had to explain to his 15 year old neighbor that Facebook didnât exist when he was his age
Just saw 4 teens hanging out in his driveway and actually considered calling the police⦠relax man
Turned 27, got a lower insurance rate and was told it was because he was old
First time he said, âin my dayâ¦â
Sheâs 36 and just got âroids⦠which begs the question, âwhat are you wearing, you sexy beast?â
When she ran into the kids she used to babysit⦠at a bar
When he got cancer⦠at age 22
When a night out is planned two weeks in advance
When he was more attracted to the mother than the daughter⦠I donât know what mother and daughter heâs referring to, but I get his point
Knew they were getting older when their knees became accurate at predicting the weather
TIM HARRISON:
You probably donât know who this guy is, but youâll want to. This is the guy whoâs called when wild animals make their way into the public and do things like start eating people. Your full- grown pet tiger escaped and is roaming the neighborhood? Timâs the guy you call. Is there a venomous cobra loose in your attic? Call Tim. Chimpanzee ripped your buddies face off? Tim. Anyway, thereâs a documentary featuring him called âThe Elephant in the Living Roomâ. It premiers in Seattle on April 15th and we think itâll be worth seeing. The man had some truly insane stories. Check it out.
OK, New Originals practice tonight⦠and we need it.
Until tomorrow, pass it to the left and STAY BEAUTIFUL!â
According to âThe Globe and Mailâ, a Canadian newspaper, Seattle ranks 7th best overall city IN THE WORLD. On the other hand, the Wall Street Journal ranked Seattle as the 3rd most miserable city in America⦠and not because of the weather or lack of social skills, but because of âconsumer attitudesâ. In other words, itâs really f**king expensive to live here, but for no discernable reason. Meanwhile, in a recent poll, two thirds of people in Emerald City believe that Mayor âtwo- toneâ McGinn is doing a lousy job. The general consensus is that McGinn is unaware of anything in Seattle OTHER than the Alaskan Viaduct replacement. Oh, and speaking of roadways, the 4- mile stretch of southbound I- 405 in Bellevue was ranked the 8th worst in America on the list of â50 Highways from Hellâ. Anyone unfortunate enough to have to deal with that sliver of 405 probably already knew that. Like anywhere, Seattle has its good and its bad⦠so does Tacoma, Everett, Port Orchard, Olympia, etc, etc. We donât know where you live, and thatâs why we wanted your answer to todayâs question: WHATâS THE GOOD, BAD AND UGLY OF WHERE YOU LIVE?
Here were todayâs answers, in order of the good, the bad and the ugly:
Oakville⦠fireworks and cheap smokes, economically depressed
Bremerton⦠fee ferry rides to Seattle, meth, the women
St. Petersburg, Florida⦠women, humidity and old people
Auburn⦠affordable housing, rides bike 30 miles to work and meth heads
Spanaway⦠great view of Rainier, bored teens and, wait for it, meth heads
Renton⦠great fast food, close to everything, crime/ criminals
Lake Stevens⦠large property and good neighbors, winter storms that wreak havoc and his neighborâs dog constantly sh*tting in his yard
SeaTac⦠quiet (???), Burien is way too close and âtrailer trashâ
Enumclaw⦠quiet and relaxing/ smells like âcow anusâ
Fremont⦠lots of bars/ hipsters and elitist/ too many Thai places
OK, I could go on, but got a little distracted today by about a million different things, so, you know, sorry bitches. One of those days.
Until tomorrow, steal a kiss from a crook and STAY BEAUTIFUL!â
Other than fans of Insane Clown Posse, thereâs not a lot of love for fans of ICP, or Juggalos as theyâre called. Well, a lot of them got a shock last year when Violent J and Shaggy 2 Dope (the two clowns behind ICP⦠no pun intended) admitted that theyâre actually evangelical Christians. Yea, for the last 20 years theyâve been âpunkingâ their fans because, well, because they could. To paraphrase what one of them said (I honestly donât remember [or care] which one of them said it), you find a way to communicate with those most in need of salvation, lead them to you then tell them that God saves. Pretty bad ass, huh? Thatâs alright though, any metal fan worth their weight in sh*t recognizes black leather, spikes and studs as standard heavy metal attire. Does it bother anyone that the look was lifted directly from gay, S&M biker culture? Guess youâd have to ask your buddy in the black leather pants. Oh yea, and those âfaux- ghettoâ dudes who have their pants sagging off of their asses⦠do you think they know that their oh- so- trendy fashion statement is borrowed from prison inmates who are SPECIFICALLY advertising that they WANT to be your bitch? Thatâs right, cool guy, your saggy pants say âin through the out- doorâ. Congratulations! Itâs of no consequence, just thought you might wanna know why so many of us laugh at you. Itâs like wearing a sign that says âI love it in the a**!â Then again, as a tattooed guy, I hate, passionately, seeing the non- inked rocking Ed Hardy anything. Plenty of cheap beer drinkers are still pissy because the hipster crowd has turned things like Pabst Blue Ribbon into a more pricey drink. We all have our gripes, so today we wanted your response to the following: I THOUGHT __________ WAS COOL UNTILâ¦
Smoking cigarettes⦠until he got emphysema
Being a redneck⦠until he saw the Wonderful Whites of West Virginia. Just saw it about two weeks ago⦠priceless.
Computer games⦠until he discovered console games
Pogs⦠until he got older. As I understand it, pogs were cardboard disks with pictures on them, and thatâs all I know.
Baseball⦠until he watched it and realized itâs boring. He used to play it and loved it.
Used to think George Lopez was cool⦠until he heard that George got a lifesaving kidney from his wife⦠who he promptly divorced when he was in the clear. Stay classy, George.
Aerosmith⦠until they got sober. Not knocking them for finding sobriety, heâs knocking them for their insistence on continually making music during sobriety.
Meth⦠until he lost his mind, some motor skills and ALMOST lost his family and his life. Iâve known A LOT of junkies during my mortal campaign here on planet earth, and honestly, meth seems to have the worst effects on people. Iâm talking about their pock- marked, toothless faces.
Girls Gone Wild videos⦠until he discovered Joe Francis
Helicopters⦠until he joined the military and discovered that theyâre like flying death traps
Owning a boat⦠until he bought one and realized that the âjoyâ of owning a boat is pouring all of your cash into its maintenance
Video games⦠until he discovered vagina
Used to think graffiti was cool until he bought a house and someone tagged his fence. Advice: buy an axe and actively look for the offender. Youâd be amazed how downright civilized your neighbors become and how little trouble you have again.
The Marine Corps⦠until basic training
The Sex Pistols⦠until she found out that like NâSync and the Backstreet Boys, the âPistols were a âmade upâ band. Now THAT is punk rock!!!
SIT AND SPIN
Today we revisited all of the bands from the Rock Girl Gala starting in 2004. Hereâs a list of the bands that have come and gone through the Gala. Hereâs a link:
Until tomorrow, bend it like Beckham and STAY BEAUTIFUL!â
The Alzheimerâs Society just issued a statement suggesting that if youâre lucky enough to live to the age of 75, you should be tested for dementia. If, by chance, you believe that the words youâre currently reading are from a birthday card, you should get tested TODAY. The American Cancer Society suggests that ALL men should start getting an annual (and anal) prostate cancer check- up by age 50⦠age 40 if youâre at high risk. Now, over in England, children at the ripe old age of 11 are being required to figure to take a survey to figure out whether or not theyâre gay. Click here for the story Thatâs right, theyâre asking fifth graders to determine whether theyâd rather watch âProject Runwayâ or the UFC. Naturally, some people have a problem with this. Speaking of tests, last Thursday on the show, we took a 10 question citizenship test and discovered that while weâre citizens, we probably shouldnât be. But thatâs OK, everyone on the road has passed their driving test⦠yet thereâs little evidence of it on the road. And of course, there are all manner of jobs out there that require a drug test, or a background check or a lie- detector test, etc. Seems like everything requires a test these days except, unfortunately, the things that most of us believe should require a test. Thatâs our question: WHAT TEST SHOULD BE ADMINISTERED, WHO SHOULD TAKE IT AND WHY?
Tea Partiers⦠general American history and tests of political philosophy. The âpolitical philosophyâ test wouldnât be to test THEIR philosophy, it would test to see if they know the difference between democracy, communism, socialism, Marxism, etc
Gamers⦠daily hygiene test; if you donât pass, you canât play
Politicians⦠lie- detector tests. Whatâs the point? Personally, I think we should run congress like jury duty
Genetic tests for future parents⦠they already do it
Believes that EVERYONE should be tested for mental illness⦠donât you think weâd ALL be labeled mentally ill given enough tests?
Body- fat tests for anyone buying a bikini or Speedo
Age 55, everyone should be required to retake the driving test
Telemarketers should be tested on English diction⦠I donât usually care about that kind of thing, but if YOU call ME to try to sell me whatever garbage youâre pushing, then yea, learn how to communicate
A ghetto test⦠everyone likes to tell you that theyâre from the streets and grew up âhood and all the rest of that dumb sh*t, but now there would be a test to determine how âhood you really are
The interpretation test⦠this is brilliant; itâs a test youâd take as you enter a relationship to determine if you know what your significant other ACTUALLY means when they talk. For example; âDo I look fat?â What theyâre REALLY saying is, âcompliment meâ. If you ask whatâs wrong and the response is ânothingâ, what theyâre REALLY saying is âIâm mad at youâ.
An I.Q. for politicians⦠again, whatâs the point?
Drug tests for anyone receiving welfare⦠absolutely! How is it that you may have to take a drug test to EARN money, but weâll just f**king HAND it to you and you can get as high as you want? How has no politician put this simple equation together?
Silver spoon test⦠if you havenât had a job by age 20, youâll be forced into manual labor for 6 months
Random drug tests in high school⦠leave the kids alone. Thatâs up to the parents to police that kind of thing. We all survived our school days, I donât think the kids today are need all the coddling. Theyâll survive⦠just like WE did.
OK bitches, time for me to head to the great beyond⦠I mean HOME, not the afterlife.
Until tomorrow, touch but donât taste and STAY BEAUTIFUL!â
To be perfectly honest (something I try to do every- so- often) the brass here at KISW donât ask a lot of us here in the Menâs Room. Whatâs the point? More than likely, any expectation you have will be met with bitter, bitter disappointment. Nevertheless, theyâre all over us (meaning Ben) to make a video a week. Weâre RADIO guys⦠we donât care about video⦠thatâs what TV people care about, but, alas, weâve (Ben) gotta do what weâve (Ben) gotta do, so a video a week it is. Anyway, as time has gone on, weâve come to realize that the bulk of our videos are actually a public service. That was never our intention, of course, but as reviewed our visual offerings we discovered that we have video of Ted guzzling a bottle of hot sauce, Ted getting waxed, Ted getting punched by Tito Or- Goddamn- Tiz, Ted getting Tasered by Phoenix Jones, Ted choking on a spoonful of cinnamon, and, well, Ted doing some really stupid and ill- advised stuff. Essentially, if you ever want to know what NOT to do, watch a Ted video. All of us have done SOMETHING dumb enough that we felt compelled to tell everyone else NOT to try it, and today we wanted your story: AFTER DOING _____________, I DONâT RECOMMEND ANYONE TRY IT AT HOME, AWAY OR ANYWHERE.
Cliff jumping while drunk⦠not a good idea in general, but in his case it was a really terrible idea because the water he jumped into was only 2 feet deep
His buddy hit him with a broom handle⦠from a moving car
Hit a golf ball off of a sign, the ball ricocheted, came flying back and smacked him in the face
Donât pee on a hornetâs nest⦠no explanation needed
Sliding down a 25 foot firemanâs pole with a drink in your hand = a broken ankle requiring a plate and six screws
Jumping into the waters off of the coast of Alaska⦠your testicles will never forgive you
Do not call your wife the âc- bombâ unless you WANT to get divorced
Do not eat a bag of Pop Rocks and choose to wash them down with Bud Light⦠instant and Technicolor vomit. Oh⦠I thought it was because Bud Light is⦠well, you know
Donât mix Ecstasy and booze⦠Iâve never had a problem with that combo, but this guy ended up getting beaten bloody by six Turkish men
On a fishing boat, he let a Hermit crab grab his septum (the thing that divides your nostrils)⦠he learned to regret that quickly. The thing pinched THROUGH his septum. Still not fully attached, and it happened 10 years ago
Jumped into the dolphin tank at the Vancouver Zoo and for some reason they banned him for life
Donât date a woman who has children your age, which is solid advice at ANY age, but this idiot made the situation much worse than it needed to be by telling one of her full- grown sons that he was the guy âbanging your momâ. Yea, the son took a swing at him.
OK bitches, Iâm headed to the Sounders game to get my scream on. Tedâs going to, and in spite of owning 3 or 4 different Sounders shirts, he decided to come rolling in today with the ONE he knows I own, so thatâs why we looked like f**king twins today. Take a look.
Made for a long day.
Have a good weekend!
Until Monday, do what you do best and STAY BEAUTIFUL!â
Thereâs a story floating around the world- wide- web that a man came into an Apple Store with his new i-pad 2 and returned it with a sticky note that read, âwife says noâ. As the story goes, two Apple executives got wind of this and sent the guy a replacement i-pad 2 with a sticky note that read, âApple says yesâ. Thatâs the story. Then thereâs Britney Spears, who revealed to Us Magazine that she doesnât own a cell phone (âoooooh⦠ahhhhhhhâ) because her father wonât let her. I should remind you (or, more likely, inform you) that Ms. Spears is 29- goddamned- years- old, so what daddy wants should have started falling on deaf ears about 11 years ago. Oh yea, we also have a list of the 10 Signs that Youâre Whipped. Guess what? Youâre whipped. All of this got us thinking about todayâs question: WHAT DO YOU OR DID YOU WANT AND WHO IS KEEPING YOU OR KEPT YOU FROM GETTING IT?
Wanted a long board skate board, but his wife says ânoâ⦠she pulled the âyouâre too old for a skate boardâ move (heâs 31). Hey man, youâre also old enough to do what the f**k you want, so go on
Always wanted a dog but his parents got him a cat instead⦠now heâs gay. Kidding⦠or am I?
A drum set⦠parents would never get him one and now his girlfriend wonât let him get one
Wife wonât let him buy a pair of $150 Oakley sunglasses⦠sheâs doing you a favor, my man
Heâs a skydiver but his wife absolutely, positively will not let him base jump⦠why? Did she threaten to kill you?
Sheâs a 20 year old model and formal Hooterâs Girl but her boyfriend wonât have sex with her⦠no, I canât wrap my head around the concept either. Why date a model if youâre not gonna f**k her? Why date ANYONE if youâre not gonna enjoy their sugar- coated naughty bits
Found a black Ibanez Ice bass (sweet) for $200 (sweeter) on Craigâs list. His wife gave the ânoâ stamp (sour) arguing that he already has 7.
Wanted to do a stunt driving course, but the boyfriend took the money she saved and bought a car⦠a 1995 VW Jetta
Wants to train in MMA but his wife wonât let him
Seriously people, whatâs with this âwonât letâ you sh*t? I understand making compromises and that kind of thing, but no one âletsâ you do anything. Donât accept that from anyone⦠unless you still live under your parentâs roof. In that case, well, youâre SOL, as they say. That kind of thing drives me crazy.
Alright, I sucked down a McDonaldâs shake (something theyâre pushing) and thanks to my lactose intolerance, my ass (my sweet, sweet ass) is about to pull a Mount St. Helens, so Iâm gonna run⦠like seriously RUN, bitches!
Until tomorrow, gotta know when to hold âem, know when not to gamble on a fart, so STAY BEAUTIFUL!â
Hollywood icon Elizabeth Taylor died earlier today of congestive heart failure at the age of 79. Everyone, of course, has heard of Elizabeth Taylor as, for about the last 30 years or so, she was pretty much famous just for being Elizabeth Taylor and nothing else. Nevertheless, sheâs a Hollywood mainstay, having won 2 Academy Awards and starring in over 50 movies. Even with that track record, Iâve never seen ONE of her movies and have absolutely no desire to do so. Then again, Iâve never made a conscious effort to listen to Mozart⦠and heâs, supposedly, one of the greatest musical minds ever. Earlier this week, we talked about how, OTHER than having to read their crap in school, none of us have read another word from Shakespeare or Hemingway, in spite of, somehow, being labeled âliterary geniusesâ. Thatâs how it goes; there are certain people out there who, deserving or not, are considered icons or giants in their field and youâve never experienced anything they have to offer. Ever actually watched âWalker, Texas Rangerâ or sat through a John Wayne movie? Didnât think so. Today, we wanted to know: WHO OR WHAT IS CONSIDERED LEGENDARY, CLASSIC OR ICONIC THAT YOU HAVE NEVER TAKEN THE TIME TO CHECK OUT?
Jerry Seinfeld
The Bible⦠odd thing about the âgood bookâ; the more you know it, the less likely you are to be religious
William âthe shatâ Shatner⦠all they know of the Shat is his work with Priceline
Reality TV⦠sure, everyone bitches about it NOW, but this guy was saying heâs never seen the âoriginalsâ, like âSurvivorâ or âBig Brotherâ, etc. Right there with you
James Dean⦠I donât know anyone whoâs ever seen any of his movies
Pamela Anderson⦠never saw her sex tape and never saw âBaywatchâ. Skip âBaywatchâ and go straight to the sex tape
Neil Peart⦠has heard that he might be the greatest drummer ever, but he canât stand Rush
Iggy Pop
KISS⦠the thing about KISS is, if you didnât know them or like them at their height, thereâs little chance that youâll listen to them now and be impressed
Jenna Jameson⦠never understood this one myself. Sheâs not necessarily ugly (actually, she is) but there were SO MANY other, hotter women in porn
The Monty Python movies
Marilyn Monroe⦠we know she was a âblonde bombshellâ or whatever, but was she an actress? A singer? A pin- up girl? We donât know
Never saw any of the Star Wars movies
Leonardo DaVinci⦠all he knows about Leo he learned from the movie âHudson Hawkâ⦠and I find that intriguingly terrifying
Andy Warhol⦠the original hipster
Stephen Hawking⦠knows the guy is a scientific luminary, but couldnât tell you a single theory of his
Yngwie Malmsteen (pronounced Ing- vay Malmsteen)⦠âclassicallyâ trained guitarist from Sweden (?). Talented, but not very interesting, but he IS unintentionally funny. Look, the 80âs ended, well, in 1990, but Yngwie has decided to single- handedly keep the 80âs alive. Check out a picture of this buffoon. It should be noted that this is the promotional picture for his 2008 album âPerpetual Flameâ⦠a very, very telling title. Just sayinâ.
STUNTS ON A DIME
Thee Ted Smith agreed to guzzle a full bottle of Frankâs Red Hot. He did it in no time and took it like a champ⦠for about 5 minutes. During the Shot of the Day we noticed that he was looking a little pasty and, well, uncomfortable. This was followed by him escaping to the bathroom to puke. Good stuff. Unfortunately, the only thing we have on video is him chugging⦠not him puking.
OK, time to go home and stare at my kid.
Until tomorrow, some like it hot, hot, hot, so STAY BEAUTIFUL!â
Thereâs a movie blog out there called Big Hollywood, and theyâve come up with their list of the â20 Most Overrated Films of All Timeâ . Maybe youâll agree with the list, maybe you wonât, but itâs hard to argue that every movie on the list gets its fair share of hype. The thing about coming up with a list of overrated anything is easy; anything thatâs popular that YOU donât like is, in your mind, overrated. When it comes to movies, I think âAvatarâ, when I think TV shows I think âTwo and a Half Menâ, when I think music (I think a whole lotta stuff) but, based on her current popularity, Lady Ga- Ga, when I think actors I think Al Pacino and when I think destinations I think Vegas⦠baby. Itâs just that simple. Today we wanted to hear your nominations for that which is hopelessly overrated or receives undo praise: WHEN I THINK OVERRATED, I THINK ____________.
The first thought that pops into my mind is the personal life of any given celebrity. Itâs ALL you f**king hear about these days and so far, I havenât found any of their stories interesting. Drugs, alcohol, infidelity, stupid quotes⦠big deal. Oh well, thatâs just me.
As for you:
The Beatles⦠just doesnât get it
Sky Diving⦠didnât think it was very exciting. I explained that for it to be âexcitingâ, something needs to go wrong, and thatâs not the excitement you want
The Subaru WRXsi
Apple products and anything that begins with a lower case âiâ
Ryan Castle⦠says heâs overrated and we couldnât agree more
The Puyallup Fair⦠doesnât get the excitement
The top 4 tallest roller coasters in the world⦠says they donât live up to the hype
Great Wolf Lodge
The World Series
The âsingle lifeâ⦠but only because heâs not getting laid
Starbuckâs coffee⦠amen. I like it, but itâs overrated
Patron
MLS soccer
The Matrix Trilogy⦠liked the first one (although itâs a rip off of a William Gibson book called Necromancer) and the second one was pretty good but the third one⦠WTF were they thinking?
The Godfather⦠amazingly boring movie, but then, Iâve never been a fan of the mobster flicks. There are a few cool ones, but overall, I think theyâre pretty lame.
Tito Ortiz⦠youâre probably right, but Iâd never tell the guy
In and Out Burger
Skinny jeans⦠donât mind them on women, but come on guys
Sex in the water⦠hot tubs, showers, oceans, etc.
American Idol⦠bad show, sure, but as best I can tell, itâs for kids⦠right?
Holidays, any of them⦠way to stay festive, my man!
Pho⦠says he doesnât get the hype. Never had it, but then, Ben told me itâs like chicken soup, so I guess I donât know what the hype is all about either
Waygu beef⦠good stuff, but talk about it like the meat was shaved from God himself
3-D movies⦠used to be, you made a 3-D movie when something about the movie is worth seeing in 3-D. Novel concept
Ruth Chris Steakhouse⦠I agree somewhat⦠their happy hour is pretty awesome
iPads⦠says he doesnât understand the point of it because itâs like an iphone without the phone⦠which is EXACTLY why I l prefer the ipad- no one can call me!
SIT AND SPIN:
Today, we covered the top ten metal songs of all time⦠according to Gibson guitars. Like our question of the day, maybe youâll agree, maybe you wonât. Hereâs a link to the list:
OK bitches, today is my birthday, so Iâm getting out of here (still gonna host trivia) and get absolutely f**ked up. You should probably know that I will be a useless pile of sh*t tomorrow. Come to think of it, you might not notice any difference.
Until tomorrow, drink a few and STAY BEAUTIFUL!
Like every other rock star on Earth, Sammy Haggar has put out an autobiography. Titled âRed: My Uncensored Life in Rockâ, Haggarâs book covers all the regular crap you expect from rock musicians; sex, drugs, ego, the occasional brush with the law and, in Sammyâs case, a quick look back at the time he mind- melded with two extra- terrestrials who were staring at him through their spaceship window and then left because they thought he woke up. Seriously. Itâs not a major part of Sammyâs narrative, but itâs in the book. He talked about it recently in an interview with Mtvhive.com (whatever the f**k that is). Whether itâs true or not⦠and weâre inclined NOT to believe it⦠Sammy believes it happened; but then, Sammy ALSO thinks âI Canât Drive 55â is either clever or good, so consider the source. Then again, I saw a UFO and watched it for over an hour and a half about 7 years ago on a beach in the Bahamas⦠and the number of people who believe ME is about 35%, so⦠And then thereâs all manner of stories from my âless- thanâ stellarâ and not always legal past that most people wouldnât believe⦠so I wonât even go down that questionable road. All of this inspired todayâs question: WHAT HAS HAPPENED TO YOU THAT PEOPLE HAVE A HARD TIME BELIEVING IS TRUE?
Held Chris Bosh to 5 points in a high school basketball game⦠still lost by 50 points, but he held Bosh to a low score
No one believes that she had breast cancer before the age of 30 and that her current (.)(.)âs are fake
He was in a bank when it got robbed⦠and he wasnât the bank robber
Went over a 30 foot cliff in a truck but survived with no injuries⦠the truck landed on one of those tree outgrowths
Stopped a mugging in downtown Seattle⦠thatâs cool, but things went downhill when he was stabbed for his trouble
Saw a UFO
Got ejected from the T- top of a car and walked away with no injuries
Sees dead people⦠says sheâs seen them since childhood. No one believes her, of course, except her ghost friends
Has been pulled over on his bicycle by HELICOPTER⦠twice
No one believes that heâs had sex with 105 women⦠I believe him, but I believe heâs paid for 103 of them
Ran over a naked body on I-5⦠it obviously freaked him out, but the one thing he remembers is that the dead woman had big boobs
Once did blow in a Bolivian prison
When he was 12, he took on Taylor Lautner in a karate competition
Got stung on his junk by a jellyfish 4 years ago and hasnât had feeling in it since⦠making it worse, heâs married and canât âperformâ with the wife. BEWARE OF JELLYFISH!
He was in a commercial with David Hasselhoff and Tommy Lasorda for something called the Rag Ball
Used to be able to dunk⦠thing is, heâs 5 feet, 8 inches tall
Took a sledge hammer to the mouth⦠aw shucks, never heard anyone refer to my junk as a sledge hammer
Alright, bitches⦠Iâm calling it a day. If we didnât see you Friday at the Alco- Hall- O- Fame, well, then thereâs no chance that we donât remember you!
Until tomorrow (my birthday, by the way), I am the smoke in your eyes, so STAY BEAUTIFUL!â
Thereâs a new piece of software called FalseFlesh, and its sole purpose is to help you see what your Facebook âfriendsâ would look like naked. Basically, it takes your friendâs head and pastes it on the body it THINKS would be appropriate. It costs $35, so if youâve got the money and the perversion, FalseFlesh is for you. Who hasnât wondered what a hot little thing would look like naked? Itâs the stuff of fantasies. Hell, every time Playboy features a nude celebrity, itâs one of their best selling issues. On the other end of the spectrum are those people you NEVER want to see naked⦠under ANY circumstances. Think Susan Boyle, Rachel Dratch or the Queen of England. Yea⦠youâre welcome. Even morbid curiosity canât motivate you to want to see that. Unfortunately, things donât always work in our favor and we have the dubious honor of seeing âthat which should not be seenâ. Today we wanted to hear your story: THE LAST PERSON I EVER WANTED TO SEE NAKED WAS _________... AND THEN I SAW THEM NAKED.
Walked in on his parents in a 69⦠I donât wish that on anyone. The idea of your parents having sex is agonizing enough without seeing them face- down in each other.
His sister stepping out of the shower
His 300 pound friend⦠better than waking up next to your 300 pound âconquestâ from last night
Saw both his mother and his sister naked, who he described as âboth disturbingly overweightâ
Chyna the wrestler when she was in Playboy⦠AMEN! My d*ck went into a retreat! It was like looking at a dude with a vagina⦠a va- chyna?
Ozzy⦠worked security and got a âniceâ view of the Prince of Darknessâs ass
His father- in- law⦠suffers from Alzheimerâs and the thing he forgets most is to get dressed
Jason Segal in âForgetting Sarah Marshallâ
Belinda Carlisle⦠did she pose naked at some point?
Saw his father in a homemade porn⦠said he watched it for a few minutes because the woman he was screwing (not his mother) was really hot and he wanted to see her boobs. Eventually, the reality that he was watching his father f**k was too much and he stopped watching
Found naked pictures of his mother from college⦠on the bright side, his father took the picture
Saw a hairy, homeless couple getting it on in the woods⦠to make it worse, he was with his 10 year old daughter
Saw his mother wiping her ass⦠thatâs bad enough, but let me quote his description: âpale, fat, veiny and has an overgrown bush and splotchy red nipples on fat, saggy breastsâ. That is rather unfortunate
Kathy Bates⦠sheâs an outstanding actress, but she canât sexy
His naked grandmother⦠he saw her from behind, but as (bad) luck would have it, she was in front of a full- length mirror, so he got a full frontal view
Saw his girl friendâs 4oo pound mother naked⦠you know, your girl friend is headed for corpulent disaster
His sister got drunk, pulled out her boob and sprayed his friend in the face
Iâll leave you with that awesome visual for the weekend. Youâre welcome!
Alright, weâre off to the 4th Annual 53rd Alco- Hall- O- Fame. Hope to see you there, but thereâs no chance weâll remember seeing you. Drinky time!
Until Monday, do what you do best and STAY BEAUTIFUL!â
College basketball fans and anyone who works in an office knows that March Madness is in full swing as of this morning. 68 teams start (as of this year) but only one will be crowned champion. Every year, thereâs a âCinderellaâ story⦠a low- seeded team that has no business beating a so- called âgoodâ team but does it anyway. In fact, earlier today, 13th- seeded Morehead State defeated 4th- seeded Louisville. Are they a âCinderellaâ story? Maybe; they have to win at least two more games, but weâll see. Sports are the most likely place youâll hear about a âCinderellaâ story, but chances are, you have your own story. Weâve all been in that situation, when no one believes that YOU (of ALL people) has the ability or where- with- all to achieve some random endeavor. It could be as simple as graduating high school, successfully changing the oil in your car, sleeping with a hot (real) woman, kicking your drug habit or maybe no one thinks you have the ability to put together a coffee table from Ikea. Weâve all had that moment when we proved the world wrong and today we wanted you to share your story: WHAT IS YOUR CINDERELLA STORY: TRANSLATION; WHEN DID YOU DO BETTER THAN ANYONE THOUGHT YOU COULD?
Anything Iâve accomplished thatâs not illegal is, seemingly, a Cinderella story⦠not to ME, but to everybody else. Oh well, what can you do?
As for you:
Survived basic training in the Army
He was adopted when he was 6 months old⦠doctors thought he would be deaf and retarded⦠heâs neither
Got the best score in driverâs ed in high school⦠swears sheâs never been in an accident
No one thought heâd be able to quit heroin⦠today is day 2⦠says he feels like sh*t, but so far heâs stayed clean
Guy in high school didnât think he could fight⦠proved him wrong
Says his whole life has been a Cinderella story⦠born in a trailer park, made it to college, has a good job
7th grade, joined the football team and earned the Defensive Player of the Year Award⦠the football player in question is a girl named Tiffany
Successfully raised his kid (against all odds) as he was a single father at 22 years old
At age 35 she decided to compete for her chance to be featured in the Silver Dollar Casino calendar⦠no one thought sheâd be able to do it, but, alas, she was Miss March 2005. Maybe you masturbated to her?
Heâs a red head but got himself a hot wife⦠we donât believe him (heâs a ginger, after all) but he says that today is their 7th wedding anniversary. Congrats
He quit smoking cold turkey
Got smooth up in a Seattle Seahawk cheerleader and still doesnât know how
Got married two days after meeting her future spouse⦠theyâre on year 4
Hit by a bus at age 10⦠told heâd never walk again⦠heâs walking and walks 6 miles a day
Got married at 18 (against everyoneâs advice) and is still married to the same man after 28 and a half years
OK, thatâs it. Gotta go, bitches. Enjoy some green beer!
So, last night, Comedy Central aired the roast of Donald Trump. There were all the usual insults that make a roast a roast, and, letâs face it, Trump is an easy mark on multiple levels, so roasting the Don should have been easy work. Leave it to Mike Sorrentino, a.k.a., âthe Situationâ to bomb. He did such a piss- poor job that he was booed off stage⦠at a roast. We played the audio so that you, too, could be embarrassed for the man. I donât even like the guy and I was embarrassed for him. Itâs easy to be embarrassed for yourself⦠it happens every time you fart by accident, get caught smelling your armpits or when your parents insist on sharing âTHATâ story to a woman you plan on bedding⦠but being embarrassed for someone else, thatâs a whole different thing entirely. Someone has to do such an amazing job of choking that your inner- nice guy does a face- palm on their behalf. Your level of âfailâ has to reach uncharted territory for this to happen and the Situation effortlessly found this dubious island. Keep in mind, what was broadcast was the EDITED version. Apparently, he was worse than what was shown⦠and I have a hard time wrapping my head around that concept. Anyway, his crash- and- burn inspired todayâs question: WHEN HAS SOMEONE EMBARRASSED THEMSELVES SO MUCH THAT YOU FELT BAD FOR THEM?
Serene Branson⦠she did an Oscar night broadcast that was, apparently, SO bad that he was embarrassed for her⦠in between laughing at her
His cousin gets drunk and removes her upper and lower dentures⦠I guess his cousin thinks sheâs funny, but he assures us that itâs just embarrassing
The âslowâ kid at his high school got on stage to sing a song to the âhoâ chick⦠the poor kid had a boner the whole time
His brother dropped and N- bomb at Christmas⦠happened to do it in front of his cousins black boyfriend; awkward
Gets embarrassed every time his friend shakes someoneâs hand with his limp- wristed, dead fish shake
Billy Joel in general
Watching a grown man cry⦠works at a construction site and the new guy didnât want to climb the scaffolding because heâs scared of heights. He eventually climbed up, but lost his footing and was hanging in the air crying
Felt bad for a guy he saw unwittingly eating dog food at a party
Made a slavery joke to a black guy⦠pick your battles, man
Feels bad for the Youtube sensation that was the kid who got SO mad when his parents shut off his WoW account that he shoved the TV remote control UP HIS ASS! Thatâs true anger, ladies and gentlemen. Unbeknownst to the kid, however, was that his little brother videoed the whole thing and posted it to Youtube. I wasnât embarrassed for the kid, I just laughed my ass off.
Felt bad for his frat brother who sh*t in his bed
Was embarrassed just last night when the Sounders faithful were singing a Justin Biebier song (bad) when the Galaxy scored (worse) on national TV (worst)
OK, thatâs it for today. If youâre one of those people who whined and cried about the overuse of the laugh track (you know who you are), grow a pair. Whining is not the territory of adults. Itâs mildly embarrassing⦠although, appropriate for todayâs question, so I guess itâs all good.
Until tomorrow, do what you feel and STAY BEAUTIFUL!â
A team of researchers, led by Richard Freund, a professor at the University of Hartford, Connecticut, has created a buzz by announcing that they just may have discovered Atlantis. Yea, THAT Atlantis. You can read his reasoning here: So, 2600 years after Plato first brought up the concept of Atlantis, someone may have found it. Speaking of finding things, an insurance company in England conducted a survey and found that the average Brit has 9 keys on them, but can only identify what 6 of them are actually for. Three of their keys are a complete mystery to them, not knowing where they came from or what they might unlock. Why keep them? Who knows⦠maybe their holding out hope that the keys go to something cool. On the other hand, it stands to reason that if something is THAT cool, youâd remember what the hell it is. Most people can rattle off a whole laundry list of things theyâve lost that they remember clearly and would like to have back⦠and thatâs our question: WHAT FROM YOU OR YOUR FAMILY HAS BEEN LOST THAT YOUâD LIKE TO FIND AGAIN?
His grandmotherâs crystal rosary beads⦠he didnât get the beads, but he got her cookbooks
At age 6, he lost his Chuck E. Cheese wallet with $14 in it⦠he would like it back⦠the wallet or the money, I donât know
Would like his good credit and 401k back⦠both were pillaged during a divorce
Wants the mirrored sign from his grandparentâs liquor store that read, âliquor in the front, poker in the rearâ
A bunch of videos of her and her sister from their childhood
Two Civil War era pistols⦠moved from Alaska to the lower 48 and Canadian authorities confiscated the guns
Wants his 8- bit Nintendo console back⦠says that his X- Box âdoesnât hold a candleâ to the old Nintendo
Lost a box full of his old military stuff, i.e., uniforms, medals, awards, etc. He shipped it home when he was overseas, but it was lost
His mother lost all of the baby pictures of him and his twin brother⦠says he has no idea what he looked like when he was young. Dude, you looked like your brother
Lost a necklace made from a ring that her father used to always wear
Wants her fatherâs old JVC boom box from the 80âs⦠that would be cool, but then youâd have to find cassettes to put in it
An old English coin she won when she was in 5th grade⦠she had it for 5 years before her young cousins lost it⦠she lost it 20 years ago and we could still hear the hostility in her voice
OK bitches, time for me to hit the road. Peace!
Until tomorrow, donât get it wet and STAY BEAUTIFUL!â
If you listen to this radio station, youâre probably aware that weâre preparing for the 2011 Red, White, Blue and Tattooed Rock Girl Gala. The event goes down on April 15th, where weâll have 40 hot women parading across the stage for your visual enjoyment. Thatâs the real draw⦠guaranteed hotness. Itâs why WE look forward to it⦠and the search for future Rock Girls is in full swing as we speak (or you read) but the search ends this Thursday. Thatâs the day we stop taking applications and start selecting the 40 girls that will grace our stage. If you like good looking women, youâll want to join us at the Rock Girl Gala. If you like good looking women youâll want to AVOID England⦠or so says Burger King CEO Bernardo Hees. Hees was giving a lecture at the University of Chicago, recalling his own days of studying in England, pointing out that he didnât have the regular college distractions because the girls there are so ugly. Naturally, his comments brought a backlash, in spite of their inherent truth. Sure, beauty is in the eye of the beholder, but for the most part, we can all agree on whoâs hot and whoâs uglier than a bucket of armpits (with the good ones pulled out). Today we asked for your opinion on where to find those pleasing to the eye: IF I WANT TO SEE GOOD LOOKING PEOPLE , ______________ NEVER FAILS.
The wife and I hit south Beach about once every two years and I have to tell you, HOLY F**KING SH*T THE PEOPLE THERE ARE DROP- DEAD GORGEOUS! Thatâs actually an understatement. My wife and I always joke that weâre the ugliest people on the beach⦠the problem is, itâs not a joke. Thatâs my pick, anyway.
Hereâs where you recommend we go to find the hotness:
The entire country of Canada⦠went when he was 17 and it remains his favorite place for âwindow shoppingâ
Mission Beach in San Diego
The PAX video game convention⦠keep in mind, heâs talking about the âbooth girlsâ, not the ladies who are gamers
Las Vegas strip clubs⦠donât MOST strip clubs offer up good looking broads? Isnât that the point? Actually, there was a strip club in Baltimore that I thought must SPECIALIZE in ugly women. Iâve never seen anything like it. Iâve been more turned on at a zoo.
Any salsa club⦠apparently, women who enjoy dancing salsa also enjoy being hot
Seafair⦠not only are the broads hot, theyâre notoriously easy
The Kirkland waterfront⦠says âthereâs a masterpiece on every cornerâ. We poke fun of Bellevue, Kirkland and the other âeast- sidersâ, but make no mistake, there are some painfully hot women over there
Likes to check out the soccer moms at the Puyallup Target
Memorial Day weekend at Lake Chelan⦠the place to be?
Makes the point that if all else fails, drink enough alcohol and EVERYONE is beautiful⦠and the ones that STAY ugly are REALLY ugly
Says that he just âgoes homeâ because his wife is so hot⦠awwwwwww!
Salt Lake City⦠not the first place that comes to mind but Iâll go with it
Phoenix⦠points out that itâs so hot there that those of larger carriage rarely go out in public
His family reunion⦠youâre thinking what I was thinking, and he KNEW weâd be thinking that, so he added that heâs from Kentucky and thatâs just how they think
A Tim McGraw concert
Church⦠felt bad saying it, but why? It doesnât matter where you are, where you go or why youâre there, no one WANTS to be ugly
OK bitches, gotta run for now. Just wanna point out that my smoking, drinking, generally unhealthy ass ran the St. Patrickâs Day 5k yesterday and survived! Why did I do it? Obviously I did it because part of me has a death wish and I was supporting Ryan Castle who, not only quit smoking a few months back, but decided that he was gonna run a race. I told him (at the time) that Iâd run with him if he was serious. I didnât think he was (which is why I offered) but he did, so I ran the thing⦠and survived!
Alright, until tomorrow, touch it but donât squeeze and STAY BEAUTIFUL!â
Youâve probably heard, but itâs worth repeating; an 8.9 earthquake, one of the largest ever recorded, slammed Japanâs east coast, killing hundreds of people (so far) and unleashed 50 aftershocks, some of them more than a magnitude 6.0. Hereâs the thing; Japan, like San Francisco, is no stranger to earthquakes, so the buildings in Tokyo and other cities were built to flex and bend⦠and that probably saved thousands of lives. Unfortunately, the REAL damage came courtesy of a tsunami that leveled EVERYTHING in its path. You can plan and prepare for an earthquake, but a tsunami, thereâs just not much you can do. Whether itâs Japan or Indonesia, most people will tell you they have a plan should an earthquake hit, but what they fear most is a tidal wave. If youâve seen any of the footage coming out of Japan, youâll understand why. Most of us arenât worried about tsunamis, nor should we be, but no matter who you are, youâre worried about something more than anything else, whether itâs how to pay next monthâs rent, getting health insurance for your kid or if your STD test is gonna come back with results you donât like: WHAT IS YOUR BIGGEST FEAR FOR YOU OR YOUR FAMILY AND WHAT PRECAUTIONS, IF ANY, HAVE YOU TAKEN IN TE EVENT IT HAPPENS?
Away we go:
The random drug test⦠keeps a bottle of fake pee in his glove box, which makes it his pee-box, as its unlikely there are gloves in there
Worries about a home invasion⦠owns many, many guns
Worried that heâll die before he has his âsh*tâ together⦠has a living will and has given his sister power- of- attorney. Does anyone REALLY have their sh*t together?
Has some âbasic suppliesâ in the event Mount Rainier blows her top⦠I donât know what his âbasic suppliesâ are, but I donât think theyâll help much
Deadly illness⦠not cancer or the like, but stuff like N1H1, SARS, Swine flu, etc. As a precaution, he makes sure that he and his family get vaccinated against everything every year⦠to the chagrin of Jenny McCarthy
Worries about becoming homeless⦠been there, done that, my man. Iâll tell you this; assuming youâre not on the street with your family, itâs what you make of it. In its own way, it was the least stressful time in my life. Not saying I wanna do it again, but having done it, I know itâs entirely up to you how things shake out for you.
Having another kid⦠WEAR A CONDOM⦠or stop f**kinâ
His medical bills⦠already forced into bankruptcy and worried about the future
Worried about being alone for the rest of his life⦠got divorced last year and having a hard time
Worries about STDâs⦠wears a condom⦠and apparently gets laid enough by various women that itâs a legitimate concern
Economic collapse, food riots and all that kind of thing
Getting by day- to- day financially⦠heard a lot of that today
Worried about machines getting âtoo smartâ
His brothers⦠one is a murderer and rapist, one is a rapist, but he put them both away, theyâre out and heâs concerned theyâre looking for him. Actually, his call was as depressing a call weâve heard in our career.
Was recently diagnosed with epilepsy and worries that heâll have a grand- maul seizure⦠I donât know what a grand- maul seizure is, but I can guess that no one would want to deal with one
Alright bitches, the weekend is here and Iâm itching to get it started, so Iâm outta here.
Have good weekend!
Until Monday, do what you do best and STAY BEAUTIFUL!â
There are some stereotypes that never go away, and as a black guy, Iâve endured my fare share. Actually, hang on one second while I get another piece of fried chicken and call my baby mama. OK, Iâm back⦠anyway the one expectation that people seem to have about me that I just canât deliver is dancing. Thereâs the assumption that every black person can dance. Not me, man⦠not only can I not dance, I have no interest in dancing. Nevertheless, the question Iâm often (and I seriously mean OFTEN) is, âbut youâre BLACK⦠how can you not dance?â My usual response is, âbecause Iâm heterosexualâ, but, alas, researchers at the University of Montreal may have provided me with a SCIENTIFIC excuse for my inability to shake my money- maker; itâs something called âbeat deafnessâ, a disconnect in the brain between the area that identifies rhythm and the area that controls movement. Thatâs not actually MY problem, but Iâll use it as an excuse. Then thereâs are own our Miles Montgomery, who has taken the art of changing oneâs oil to a new low, or Thee Ted Smith, who insists that English is his first language but never offers proof, and Ben the Psycho Muppet, a man who has the inability to lose hair, in spite of growing older. Itâs as fascinating as it is annoying⦠and contrary to accepted science. There are just certain things in this world that weâre told are a part of being human, and yet, somehow, they never apply to you. WHAT SEEMS TO COME NATURALLY TO EVERYONE⦠EXCEPT YOU?
Heâs Jewish, but heâs always broke⦠the point being that everyone else in his immediate tribe seems to be doing A- OK
Canât do shots⦠you have no reason to live
LOOKS Jewish but is terrible with money⦠see a theme?
Unlike most people, he has no soul⦠says itâs the result of being a red- head, corroborating a belief Iâve always had
Canât wink⦠how in the hell can you not wink? Thatâs f**king weird
In spite of being a singer AND a songwriter, they canât sing Happy Birthday⦠if I remember correctly (and who f**king knows if I remember anything right) itâs the most widely performed song in the world
No sense of direction⦠aw, donât sweat it, Iâm always lost, but I never care
Claims that they canât fall asleep⦠Iâm assuming they find away each night
Canât blow bubbles with BUBBLE gum⦠whatâs the point?
Canât make fart sounds with his armpit⦠that ability was one that I coveted as a child and now, years later, as an adult
Has no ability to remember anyoneâs name⦠that was from whatâs- his- face
Has no depth perception⦠which seemed really weird up until he pointed out that he has a plastic eye
She canât snap her fingers⦠and yes, she has fingers, and yes, we asked
Unlike everyone else (seemingly) in America, she doesnât, didnât and canât enjoy âSeinfeldâ⦠yadda, yadda, yadda
Just not a âpeople personâ⦠Iâm not known for my interpersonal skills either
Canât whistle⦠kinda weird that you canât whistle, BUT, thatâs a good thing, as every time I hear a whistler, I wanna kill them
Walking⦠they say they canât walk like a normal person and yes, they have the ability to walk; theyâre not in a wheelchair
OK bitches, thatâs a wrap⦠a WRAP⦠if it were a RAP, it would be more like this: (AHEM) âsome bitches get drunk and they start hogginâ, Thrill grabs a keyboard and my n*gga starts blogginâ, been listening all day to answers absurd, so he hears what youâre saying then he types the wordsâ⦠so, anyway, itâs a wrap.
Until tomorrow, I am iron man, so STAY BEAUTIFUL!â
Maybe you know, maybe you donât, but today is Ash Wednesday, the first day of Lent⦠so remember, if you see someone with a âdirty foreheadâ, itâs on purpose. Donât try to wipe it off for them. Iâve made that mistake and, well, things were awkward. Anyway, as it is Lent, itâs time for all good Catholics to âsacrifice for Jesusâ⦠a little payback for his sacrifices on your behalf⦠or so the story goes. The point is, youâre supposed to give up something starting today until Easter Sunday. Drink too much soda; give it up for Lent. Eat too much sugar; give it up for Lent. Think you drink too much booze; give it up for Lent. You get it⦠you fast from something youâd otherwise enjoy. Weâre neither good NOR catholic, but we decided, âwhat the hell, letâs play alongâ. So, starting today, each of us will give up SOMETHING near and dear to our hearts until Easter. Today we encouraged you to do the same, not because itâs the âright thing to doâ, but because misery loves company, thus, our Question of the Day: WHAT WOULD YOU BE WILLING TO GIVE UP⦠AND WHAT DO YOU KNOW YOU SHOULD GIVE UP?
I decided to stop drinking orange soda for Lent. Not a huge deal, but I drink a sh*t ton of it day- to- day, so I figured I would give it a rest. Thatâs what Iâm WILLING to do⦠what I SHOULD do is quit smoking, drinking, cussing and my feverish masturbation, but nah.
Thatâs me; hereâs you:
Giving up religion for Lent⦠oh, arenât you so, SO clever
Giving up Swishers and zig- zags⦠on the bright side, you can still smoke a bong, a pipe, do knife hits, etc
Giving up sex with her boyfriend because heâs, in her words, a douche⦠why are you dating someone who you think is a duce?
Plans to stop listening to our show for a full 40 days⦠enjoy yourself
âGiving upâ sex⦠I put in quotes because he also pointed out that he hasnât been laid in 6 months anyway
Giving up meat
Burger King⦠swears heâs addicted to their flame- broiled goodness
Sheâs decided to give up wine and candy because sheâs a drunk lard- ass⦠actually, I donât know what she looks like, but based on what sheâs giving up Iâm speculating⦠and kinda being a d*ck
Smoking⦠weâre assuming they mean cigarettes, but meth donât smoke itself either. Just sayinâ
His marriage⦠well played, my man, well played
Social networking⦠AMEN!!! Enjoy your time
Fast food⦠but then, how will you cure your hangover?
Alcohol⦠but then, when will you eat fast food? See what I did there?
Cocaine⦠no marching orders from Bolivia for 40 days. The question is, will you snort a little of the devilâs dandruff on Sundays?
Will stop using the word âlikeâ, whether itâs spoken or written
Plans on giving up complaining for Lent
Energy drinks⦠says he drinks 15 a day!
Giving up porn and hard liquor⦠HA- HA- HA- HA⦠oh, youâre serious⦠my bad
Sheâs going to give up the Internet⦠itâs gotten bad enough that while having sex, she was looking at the monitor for Facebook updates! I know Facebook is the meth of the world- wide- web, but really, just because people CAN tell you all sorts of things, does it make them any MORE interesting?
Gonna give up Mountain Dew⦠or as I like to call it, the ORIGINAL energy drink
OK then, Iâm done for the day. Think Iâm gonna go home and try to get some sleep⦠something I havenât done in about 9 days. Good times!
Until tomorrow, welcome to the family and STAY BEAUTIFUL!â
Tera Myers, a teacher at Parkway North High School in St. Louis just resigned her job yesterday after a student of hers discovered her porn work on the Internet last Friday. The student wasnât looking for her specifically, but whatever his pornographic preference, Teraâs specialty fit the bill. Keep in mind, she got out of the porn industry 15 years ago, but her past has come back to haunt her. She didnât do anything illegal, but the superintendent, understandably, thinks that sheâll become a distraction to the students. Chances are, she wonât be teaching again. Oh well. Speaking of jobs youâre unlikely to have, like Sean Penn, Bono and Angelina Jolie, George Clooney is one of those celebrities whoâs socially active and liked enough that people and organizations have encouraged him to get involved in politics and run for office. In response, George said, quote, âIâve f**ked too many women and did too many drugs. I drank the bong water.â In other words, he knows he wouldnât have a successful career in politics because he had fun in his past. Thatâs the easy part though; we can all figure out what we CANâT do in the future based on the things weâre doing now or have done in the past, but today we wanted hear your stories of how what HAS happened has killed your hear- and- now: WHEN DID YOUR PAST COME BACK TO BITE YOU IN THE ASS?
Broke up a fight and got a felony (because no good deed goes unpunished)⦠ended up losing his kids in the divorce
Cheated on a woman⦠fast forward a few years, he meets a âgreat galâ, but she happens to be cousins with the woman he cheated on⦠got dumped
Hit his hand at work and yelled an expletive⦠while most people say âsh*t!â, âf**kâ, âmother*ckerâ or something similar, this guy yelled ânigger!â (???) Naturally, the ONLY other guy working that shift was a black guy
Her sister had a one night stand one month after getting married⦠18 years later, her son found out that his dad wasnât his dad
Was moving stuff in a church, dropped something on his toe and screamed âGod f**k Jesus Christâ⦠it went over about as well as youâd think
His criminal past is constantly catching up with him
Her boyfriendâs roommate was a guy she used to f**k and do drugs with 8 years previous
Just to be an a**hole, he called a random Asian guy âching- chongâ outside of a DMV⦠discovered that âching- chongâ was the manager of the DMV
SIT AND SPIN
Jolene joined us today, as she does every Tuesday, for another rousing edition of Sit and Spin. Today Jolene brought us the Top 10 Country Song Pick- up Lines. It was priceless.
OK bitches, time to say adios and do some trivia action.
Until tomorrow, walk quietly and STAY BEAUTIFUL!â
Over the weekend at a Bothell church, porn star Ron Jeremy took on so- called âporn pastorâ Craig Gross in a debate about the impact of porn in what was billed as the XXX Debate. As you might expect, Jeremy holds the position that porn is performed by consenting adults FOR adults who know what theyâre getting into, while Gross argues that porn isnât JUST entertainment, it coerces people into believing that what you see on screen is what sex is like. Well yea, if youâre lucky! Just so you know, Ron and Craig are buddies and have debated this same topic a few times before. Whatever side of the fence youâre on, the event drew 2,000 people. Speaking of debates, NFL team owners and players are still miles away on their collective bargaining agreement, but mostly because they wonât do it collectively, they wonât really bargain and, well, they donât agree. Itâs looking less and less like 2011 will see a football season. No big surprise here, but Republicans and Democrats are fiercely debating how âbestâ to balance the budget. Thatâs nothing new, of course, but if these buffoons canât come to some kind of compromise by March 18, the Federal government will shut down for the first time since 1995⦠when Republicans and Democrats couldnât agree on the âbestâ way to balance the budget. Meet the new boss⦠Right here on this very program we debate the TRULY important things in life, like, which is cooler; being attacked by a shark or being attacked by a monkey; which is better on a sandwich; crunchy or creamy peanut butter, etc. Today we wanted to know: WHO WOULD YOU LIKE TO DEBATE AND ON WHAT TOPIC?
I donât really wanna debate anyone about anything because, for the most part, I truly donât care. There IS however, one thing that always burns me up; people who assume that anyone who plays an instrument, originally did so to âpick up chicksâ. Look, I like women, no doubt, but when I first picked up an instrument (the bass) it had nothing to do with getting girls. Girls arenât that f**king hard to get and music is about music for some of us. To be fair, if you like Poison, I can see why youâd think chicks are the motivation to play, but do you really think Tool got together for the bitches? Come on. Irritates the hell out of me. Oh well.
As for you:
Wants to debate Miles about crunchy peanut butter⦠he, like me, believes that the only suitable place for the crunchy variety is in cookies
Wants to debate me on whoâs farts smell worse⦠not ALL of mine stink, but I can bring the thunder!
Has been debating his friend about whether Big Red is the brand name or the flavor of the gum⦠itâs the brand name, my man. The flavor is cinnamon; so says the Wrigley website.
Would like to debate Fred Phelps about religion⦠might wanna ask him about all that âUniversal brotherhoodâ stuff, or the âturn the other cheekâ or âdonât judgeâ stuff that he misses.
Wants to debate Charlie Sheen⦠is he really winning?
Heâs gay and wants to debate âflamboyantâ gay guys to find out why they perpetuate a stereotype they claim to hate
Would like to debate the Catholic Church about abortions and condoms⦠whatâs the point? Itâs part of their belief system. A worthy debate might be how they justify knowingly protecting pedophiles? Thatâs NOT part of the belief system⦠on paper
Wants to debate Christine Gregoire on Washington Stateâs child support laws. This one is simple; itâs a huge, money- making racket. I donât know for sure, but Iâm guessing that if we paid state income tax, the child support laws wouldnât be as ridiculous and one- sided as they are
Any politician on the environment
I like this one⦠wants to debate the McDonaldâs CEO on why the McRibb is only served periodically
Wants to debate Joe Rogan about whether or not heâs actually funny
There you go, bitches another award winning blog. Actually, Iâve won no awards and as far as I know there are NO awards for blogs⦠which is good, so that I can lie and say how good I am.
Until tomorrow, isolaaaaaaation- uhn⦠so STAY BEAUTIFUL!â
We all remember Rodney King⦠the black guy who was pulled over for speeding in Los Angeles in 1991 and got his ass beat by a bunch of racist cops. It was caught on tape, and in spite of evidence to the contrary, the cops were acquitted. This, of course, led to massive rioting for a few days AND got O.J. Simpson a ânot- guiltyâ verdict for murder a few years later. Well, this past Tuesday, almost 20 years to the day he was beaten, Rodney was pulled over AGAIN⦠this time for running a red light and driving on a suspended license. On the bright side, he wasnât beaten. Either way, when Rodney is in a car, he attracts the police. Speaking of cars, Mazdaâs Mazda 6 seemingly attracts spiders⦠seriously. Mazda is recalling 50,000 Mazda 6âs because spiders keep making it a habit of spinning webs in the vents connected to the fuel- tank system. No one knows why. Oh, and the folks at www.SmartDate.com put together of list of the male and female names that attract the most sexual partners. That led us to todayâs question⦠which isnât a question at all: I DONâT KNOW WHY, BUT I ALWAYS SEEM TO ATTRACT _________, AND NO MATTER WHERE I GO AND WHAT I DO, THEREâS ALWAYS SOMEONE NAMED ___________ AROUND.
Oddly enough, Iâm always around Steves. Everywhere I go, no matter what I do, itâs seemingly impossible that Iâll be the only âSteveâ. I think thereâs 5 of us here at the Rock. This probably goes without saying, but Iâm the best looking one.
Everyone thinks heâs a stoner (we donât know why) and he swears that every strip club has a âTinaâ
Attracts large women and has 4 friends named Robert
Attracts naggers (at least, I THINK thatâs what he said) and claims that thereâs always a Jamal around⦠really?!? Jamal?
Attracts âcraziesâ⦠claims that men named Robert are jerks
Fat, happy, loud chicks are attracted to him⦠always around guys named Mike⦠makes sense, Mike is a common name
Attracts ârebound girlsâ⦠meaning he gets laid a LOT
The man attracts thieves⦠his house has been robbed 5 times, mugged 3 times, car- jacked twice and his best âfriendâ stole his wife
She used to attract Daves, now she attracts Jasons⦠chi- chi- chi- ha- ha- ha
Attracts sob stories from perfect strangers⦠some guys just have all the luck
Big girls with pretty eyes⦠and a voracious appetite⦠he didnât say that last part, Iâm just assuming
Attracts âtall, toothpick- skinny pot headsâ⦠in other words, I would be attracted to her
Chicks with âdaddy issuesâ⦠also known as strippers
Attracts Scotts (by name, not nationality) and Drews⦠apparently they all have odd fetishes
Gamer nerds
Attracts kids- they just love him⦠and his windowless van (I made that part up; but that doesnât mean itâs not true) and heâs always surrounded by people named Taylor
Sheâs a woman who attracts other women⦠and thatâs hot enough that we love her
Attracts cougars (the old broads, not the animal⦠I think) and has 5 friends named Chris⦠or he has ONE friend named Chris and has sh*tty vision
OK bitches, the weekend is here and Iâm getting it started right NOW!
Peace!
Until Monday, do what you do best and STAY BEAUTIFUL!â
For reasons I cannot explain we have been getting emails asking to see pictures of Miles and Thee Ted before and after GTL month........Ok here you go.
THQ, a southern California video game company, was in san Francisco yesterday for the Game Developers Conference. As a publicity stunt, THQ organized a rally where THOUSANDS of red balloons were launched into the sky. Unfortunately, wind and rain sent them plunging into the bay. Naturally, environmentalists freaked out and THQ had to spend the money to retain a clean- up crew to prevent anymore bad press. Things just didnât go as planned. On the bright side, the red balloon blunder brought the company more attention than they would have had if things had gone ârightâ. In New York city, the Metropolitan Transportation Agency announced that after taking 11 years and spending $76,000,000 more than the $370,000,000 budget, the New York subway communication network is all set to become operational this year. Unfortunately, because of how long it took to complete and the speed at which technology improves, the project is ALREADY obsolete. And who could forget the DEA agent, Lee Paige, giving a gun- safety speech to Florida school children, saying quote, âI am the only person in this room that I know of, professional enough to carry this Glock .40â⦠about one second before accidentally shooting himself. Just Google âLee Paigeâ if you need a good laugh. These are examples of âepic failsâ, and much like âAmericaâs Funniest Home Videosâ, theyâre great to watch, but you never want to be the victim, but thatâs our question: WHEN WERE YOU THE VICTIM OF AN âEPIC FAILâ?
Taking down the Christmas lights, ended up scraping his âsatchelâ on the gutter and suffered a âscrotal torsionâ⦠and it sounds awful
Got pulled over for speeding, told the cop, âthese are not the droids youâre looking forâ⦠got a $150 ticket
Accidentally went into the womenâs restroom at Costco to take a dump⦠about 6 women come rolling in while heâs handling his business. Now heâs trapped and the women arenât leaving. Finally, he takes his long hair and pushes it in front of his face, pulls up his hood and shuffles his 6- foot- one- inch, 300 pound frame out of the bathroom UNNOTICED
Got hit by a train in her car
Put his daughterâs bike together⦠forgot to connect the handbrake⦠she ate it pretty bad and is still a little mad
Says that âeverydayâ of his life is an epic fail
The Buffalo Bills in the super Bowl
Tried the âpull outâ method⦠and now heâs a proud father
Used to race stock cars⦠didnât lock his steering wheel to the column⦠it popped off mid- race
Was the sound guy at a Run DMC concert⦠stepped on a power cord and killed the music mid song
Dropped his cell phone in the toilet as he flushed it⦠lost the phone
Hit himself in the face with a hammer
Picked a fight with a kid in school⦠the kid happened to have three years of martial arts training
Thatâs it for the day, bitches. Off to grab a few drinks⦠and by âa fewâ, I mean plenty. That kind of day.
Until tomorrow, donât hold the hood and STAY BEAUTIFUL!â
Charlie Sheen is all the rage right now. Love him or hate him, the man has been providing us with quality entertainment for the last few weeks⦠and it has nothing to do with âTwo and a Half Menâ⦠which, in spite of its popularity, is weak on the entertainment. Unless youâve been living under a rock, you canât escape the torrential downpour of Sheen quotes that have been gleaned from all of the interviews heâs been giving lately. Charlie is hardly the first celebrity to go insane for public consumption. Last year, Mel Gibson was the poster- boy for âcrazyâ, but his endless escapades werenât nearly as fun as Charlieâs. A few years ago Brittney Spears spent a month or two on the crazy train, shaving her head and just generally acting bizarre. Gary Coleman, McCully Caulkin and Drew Barrymore predated all of these clowns with their own takes on lunacy. Robert Downey Junior was kicking down the doors of âbad boyâ for a while himself, before cleaning up. Anyway, while Charlie Sheen is stealing all of the headlines right now, keep your eyes on Christina Aguilera, who just got popped for public intoxication and my odds- on- favorite to self- destruct, Miley Cyrus is driving full- speed down Insane Lane. Weâll always hear about the meltdowns of the famous, but the Average Joe goes crazy too, dammit, and today we wanted to hear your story: WHEN DID YOU TEMPORARILY LOSE YOUR MIND⦠AND WHAT DID YOU DO?
I lose my mind constantly⦠itâs just who I am, but I think the last time I completely went ballistic (that Iâm willing to share) was after the kids who used to live at the end of the street graffitied my front door. To be fair, they spray painted everything on the street, but I was the only person to actively look for them⦠with an axe and an attitude. I didnât find them that night (which is good, as I was fueled by booze and looking to hack someone to death) but they, like the rest of my neighbors, heard me that night. I only figured it out when every time they saw me after that they referred to me as âsirâ, my wife as âmaâamâ and never, ever made eye contact again. They were very faux- macho before that, but they were downright gentlemanly after that night. I donât recommend following my lead⦠it was just one of those moments⦠and Iâve had plenty.
But enough about me:
Her van got towed, she freaked out on the driver, he had to call the cops who eventually pulled her away from the situation
He cut the roof OFF of his exâs car
Stabbed her ex in the cheek with a fork- at a family dinner- after he broke it off with her
Found his girlfriend having sex with another guy in his car⦠he tried to kick in the window but broke his toes instead⦠in the end, it wasnât his girlfriend OR his car
Once told an ex that he was going to kill her family and make her watch⦠the reason we BELIEVE heâs crazy is the text ended with LOL
Ran into her exâs new girlfriendâs car THREE TIMES
She went nuts after losing her dog in a break- up
Found a letter from his wife to one of his co- workers
Lost a job he had and went on a 9 month coke binge⦠only nine months?
Honestly, todayâs question put me in the worst mood. Just one of those things. I think Iâve lost my mind too many times to enjoy it. Oh well.
As of tomorrow we begin officially voting for the fourth annual 53rd Alco- Hall- O- Fame, so review the brackets, make some decisions and vote often. Booze and booze related activities make us happy.
Until tomorrow, appreciate your anus and STAY BEAUTIFUL!â
Just outside of Philadelphia, a guy named Nikolas Galiatsatos owns a pizza shop. There are two other pizza shops close by so, obviously, theyâre all in competition for customers. Thatâs why Nikolas visited BOTH of his competitors and left a bag of mice in each one. His plan didnât work so well, as he was busted. Meanwhile, a former cook at a New Jersey restaurant just completed his 15 day jail stay after he was found guilty of putting his pubic hair in the bagel sandwich of a police officer. Seems the cop had stopped the cook for a traffic violation, and he decided to get a little revenge. âGetting evenâ is just a part of human nature. Somebody messes with you, you canât help but want to mess with them back. Itâs what we do, albeit, sometimes we overreact or take things too far, but, letâs face it, revenge, in whatever form you choose to serve it up, makes you feel a little better. Thatâs todayâs question: WHEN DID YOU GET EVEN⦠AND WHY?
Put rocks in a guys gas tank when she was 8 years old
Paid strippers to handcuff a bully to a pole and whip the piss out of him
A dude spit in her face⦠10 years later she sat in his lap and peed on him
Has plans to blow up his older brotherâs year books⦠and no, we donât know why
Put Paas Easter Egg dye- pellets in his friendâs shower head⦠it was revenge for being locked in a Honey Bucket on a 95 degree day
Got his buddy 75 magazine subscriptions, checking the âbill me laterâ box
Slept with the mother of a bully
Hacked into someoneâs Match.com, sent messages to old women and gay men
Hit an ornery goat in the head with a rock after it attacked him
Put a dead squirrel in his friendâs drive shaft
His uncle stole and wrecked his car, so he wrecked his uncleâs car by driving it into a brick wall
Sh*t on a manâs toothbrush
Her boyfriend hit her (!) so she doused his junk in Icey- Hot⦠and yes, she dumped his ass
This list could go on and on, but Iâm sick of typing.
SIT AND SPIN:
Like sports? If you do, youâll appreciate the list Jolene brought in today; the top 10 songs played at sporting events. Check it out here;
OK bitches, trivia time⦠which would be a hell of a lot less stressful if I had my questions ready.
Until tomorrow, keep your hands to yourself and STAY BEAUTIFUL!â
Senator Harry Reid of Nevada popped a few âprude pillsâ last week and announced that the time has come to outlaw brothels in his home state. I wonât bore you with his âreasoningâ, but he mentions that the worldâs âoldest professionâ has no place in a 21st century economy⦠leading us to wonder if Reid has figured out why prostitution, legal or not, is the only part of humanity that has withstood the test of time and has outlasted every other man- made endeavor. Anyway, if Reid has his way, brothels, bordellos and prostitutes would no longer be legal in Nevada. Meanwhile, here in Seattle and Tacoma, a new type of farmerâs market is making headlines. The Cannabis Farmerâs Market is a God- send for anyone with a medical marijuana card who might not like going to co- ops. Whatever- the- case, you can now window shop for weed⦠kinda like window shopping for hookers in Amsterdam. We know that drugs and sex might not appeal to everyone quite the way they appeal to us, but everybody has their âthingâ. Today we want to know where you go to get whatever it is you need to be happy: LIKE A KID IN THE CANDY STORE, YOUâRE THE KID, WHATâS YOUR CANDY?
Thereâs a place called Basses Northwest in Pioneer Square that I could spend ALL day at. As a bass player, itâs like going to the Playboy Mansion. Yea, Iâm a bass dork⦠what can you do?
As for you:
Tequila bars⦠one of my downfalls
Used vinyl shops⦠another of my downfalls
Snowboard and motorcycle shops
Electronics and computers
Grocery store⦠I HATE grocery shopping. Itâs absolutely painful
Adult toys⦠gotta love her
Book stores⦠loves to read⦠or loves to flip through picture books
The Acropolis Strip Club in Portland
Coffee
Fishing and hunting supplies⦠and the call was from a woman
The DVD section of any store
The cheese section⦠I admit it; I get caught up in the cheese section too. Mmmmmmm⦠cheese
The fireworks stand
Lingerie⦠I like her already
Legos
Boys⦠yes, it was from a woman
The lumber section of hardware stores⦠they donât build anything, but they love the smell
Itâs that time of the year again when we talk about our favorite subject⦠well, ONE of our favorite subjects anyway⦠BOOZE! Thatâs right, bitches, we are gearing up for the âMenâs Room 4th 53rd Annual Alco- Hall- O- Fameâ. Maybe you remember our first three 53rd Annual Alco- Hall- O- Fames, maybe you donât, either way, hereâs a refresher; like March Madness, we take 4 categories, give each category 16 entrants and then over a few days or weeks, the entrants go head- to- head in a series of votes until there is a winner in each, leaving us with our very own âfinal fourâ. Out of that âfinal fourâ, we will crown a champion at our Alco- Hall- O- Fame ceremony, where everyone 21 and older is invited. Today we need your help filling the four categories, and those categories are âDrinking Songsâ, âEntry Level Drinkingâ (as in your introduction to the world of alcohol), âDrinking Venuesâ and âDrunken Debaucheryâ, those really stupid things that seem like a great idea ONLY when youâre drunk.
OK, we got a sh*t ton of suggestions today, as expected, so thereâs just no way Iâm gonna even attempt to recall them all here. That being said, all of our finalists will be posted next week for your voting pleasure.
Yea, thatâs the blog for the day, bitches. Was it exciting? No, and I know that, BUT, hopefully the categories juice your feeble minds and you come up with some nominees over the weekend. Weâre taking suggestions over the weekend. If you donât know; all of this culminates with a party that we throw to honor all of the winners. Itâs a good time every year⦠at least thatâs what weâre told. I honestly donât remember most of them. I have to wait to see pictures.
OK bitches, time to enjoy the weekend.
Until Monday, do what you do best and STAY BEAUTIFUL!â
Itâs all a matter of opinion, and everyoneâs list would be different, but the folks at www.complex.com have come up with a list of the â50 Worst Actors in Hollywood Historyâ. Like I said, everyone has their own opinion, but their list is pretty dead- on. Nevertheless, all of these guys keep making movies⦠and we keep seeing them. To be fair, bad actors arenât always a part of a bad movie, but they have a way of making an otherwise good movie just OK. Sometimes bad movies even offer a small slice of reprieve in the form of one or two good scenes. The occasional car chase, fight scene or erection- inducing sex scene can get you to sit through a yawn- fest more than once. A movie like â9 ½ Weeksâ is a steaming pile of sh*t, BUT ice- cube- to- nipples sex scene will keep you in your scene. People will labor through âThe Matrixâ trilogy based on the promise of cool fight sequences, and the âDie Hardâ franchise lives up to its name based solely on lots of explosions. Whatever works for you. Today we went fill- in- the- blank style: ALTHOUGH I FEEL THE MOVIE SUCKED IN GENERAL, IâLL ALWAYS WATCH __________ FOR THE __________ SCENE.
Road House⦠the final fight scene, where Patrick Swayze tears a manâs throat out of his neck. Never been quite that angry⦠then again, Iâve never been trained to fight by Sam Elliot
Total Recall⦠for three boobs scene. If you really, REALLY like three- breasted women, thereâs a porn actress out there with three boobs (.)(.)(.)
Monsterâs Ball⦠the sex scene with Halle Barry. Itâs the only reason I ever sat down to watch this flick, but no one warned me that Billy Bob Thorton would be joining her
Dusk to Dawn, Dogma, Frida and desperado just to look at Selma Hayakâs sweet, sweet ass⦠and mustache
Sirens⦠Portia de Rossi AND Elle McPhereson give us some full frontal⦠and thereâs nothing wrong with that.
Major League⦠loves the scene where Bob Uecker gets drunk in the announcerâs booth
Speed Racer⦠for the âtrippyâ race scenes⦠that movie looked so bad I walked out on the commercials
True Lies⦠the Jamie Lee Curtis underwear scene where sheâs dancing⦠sheâs since reduced her sexy- factor by incessantly telling us how well and frequently she poops
Meet Joe Black⦠enjoys seeing Brad Pitt get hit by a car
Fast and Furious franchise⦠admits that the movies suck, but he loves the race scenes
The Informers⦠âsteamyâ scenes involving the delicious Amber Heard. I only say sheâs delicious because we ate a few of their limbs last night
The Last Dragon⦠terrible movie, but loved the fight scene. I DID learn one important thing from that cinematic masterpiece- if a man youâre fighting starts glowing, quit f**king with them.
Evil Dead⦠for the possessed hand scene, although the laughing moose head is another piece of cinematic genius
Tremors⦠this is one of my favorite guilty pleasures
Any Delta Force movie⦠Chuck Norris is his typical bad- ass self
Pee Weeâs Big Adventure⦠the biker/ dance scene
Cruel Intentionsâ¦Â Sarah Michelle Gellar + Selma Blair = f**king hot
Show Girls⦠awful movie, but the T and A makes it bearable
OK, we could do this all day⦠and we pretty much did, so Iâm gonna call it a day⦠a day.
Until tomorrow, shake twice and STAY BEAUTIFUL!â
There is (allegedly) a restaurant in Seatac that is refusing to serve employees of the TSA. The owner believes that the TSA lack decorum and respect for travelers⦠and until they show some civility, theyâre not welcome in his establishment. Allegedly, theyâve gone so far as to have police officers escort TSA employees out of the restaurant. Is it discrimination? Yep. Is it illegal? Nope. Turns out that in America, protected classes of people do NOT include specific professions, so a private business can refuse to serve almost anyone they want⦠as long as they phrase it right. Thatâs the case with this particular restaurant. Now, this mystery restaurant hasnât been named in ANY of the countless articles written about it, so thereâs some doubt about its legitimacy, but who cares? Either way, the story itself got us thinking about who WEâD like to ban from our restaurant⦠if we owned one. Todayâs question: YOU OWN A RESTAURANT; WHO WOULD YOU DENY SERVICE TO AND WHATâS THE STORY BEHIND IT?
Away we go, bitchesâ¦
Saggy pants crowd
People with poor English skills⦠not foreigners, Americans who canât master the home language
Anyone with a Blue- tooth headset⦠also known as the self- important
Wants to open a chicken and waffles place but not allow blacks for the humor of it all
Canadians⦠restaurant lingo for black people
All federal employees
Would deny service to his extended family because they always want a deal
People who special order things that ARENâT on the menu
Europeans⦠they donât tip
Would deny service to anyone wearing an Ed Hardy t- shirt or Tap Out shirts
Sorority girls⦠why? Theyâre the easiest lay on the planet
Retarded people⦠they take too long to order and speak too loud⦠not my words, bitches, so donât send the hate mail
No gluten- free folks⦠suggested that they eat rice and âshut the f**k upâ
Wouldnât serve his family and friends
OK, time for me to go and make dumplings⦠no, really.
Until tomorrow, serve it with butter and STAY BEAUTIFUL!â
A woman by the name of Kay Hymowitz wrote an article for the âWall Street Journalâ titled âWhere Have All the Good Men Gone?â Donât let the faux- feminist title fool you⦠itâs a fairly light- hearted read, as this broad tries to make sense of why men seem âimmatureâ so much longer than women. She, of course, tries to uncover all kinds of scientific reasons for the fact that men know how to have fun, and she lists various âdiscoveriesâ, but men know the truth; fun is fun and everything else is a pretense. Nevertheless, thereâs always a conflict between men and women; women accusing men of being immature and men accusing women of the same thing. Truth- be- told, weâre probably both right. Sure, us guys enjoy a good fart and are duly impressed by people who can belch the alphabet, while women cry about EVERYTHING and hold on to the childhood idea of being a âprincessâ⦠manifested on their wedding day with their princess dress. Yea, âadultsâ wouldnât have time for any of those examples, but here we are. Today we wanted to know: OF ALL THE PEOPLE YOUâVE DATED, WHATâS THE ONE ADOLESCENT BEHAVIOR THAT YOU COULDNâT DEAL WITH?
Luckily, my wife is fairly responsible, leaving me a lot of wiggle room to exercise my high level of irresponsibility. Itâs a perfect match. She might disagree. That being said, as immature as I might be, Iâve dated plenty of women who were infinitely more childish than me⦠and frankly, the only people who should be more childish than me are children. Just sayinâ.
As for you:
Her ex called her âbroâ (funny) and always poked her in the ribs
She used to cut herself when she was stressed
Once threw herself on the floor and threw a tantrum at a party⦠WTF?
Used to chew with his mouth open
She used to constantly bitch about ex- boyfriends
Would pass up sex to play video games⦠not a video game in the world is THAT good
He ate his boogers⦠that is SO f**king gross
She would sleep until 3pm⦠wouldnât matter if she had a job
Her love of pop music
Used to always threaten suicide⦠we asked how many times she threatened it before he knew she was full of sh*t and he made the point he NEVER believed her because suicidal people donât threaten it, they do it
He would get the âsilent treatmentâ⦠so whatâs the problem with that?
Baby talk⦠not how she talked to actual babies, but the fact that she talked to him LIKE a baby
She used to sleep with stuffed animals
Constantly accuses him of cheating⦠take my advice and GET THE F**K OUT!
His girl always pouts when she doesnât get her way⦠so does my 3- month old baby
She used to throw dishes all the time when she was mad⦠buy paper plates
SIT AND SPIN
Jolene joined us today for another award- winning (comment cannot be confirmed) edition of SIT AND SPIN. Today, Jolene consulted the folks at www.askmen.com and came up with the top 10 songs for men to sing at karaoke. Personally, I canât believe there are ANY songs on the list, but alas, there is a top 10⦠but Iâll let Jolene do the talking⦠writing?
OK bitches, not gonna lie to you⦠Iâve GOT to take a dump! RIGHT NOW!
Until tomorrow, donât pinch it and STAY BEAUTIFUL!â
Former GOP Senator Rick Santorum has been considering a Presidential run in 2012. One of the problems he faces, stems from comments he made back in 2003. Rick is a garden- variety conservative, and like most, heâs a homophobe; however, in 2003 he compared homosexuality to pedophilia and bestiality (???). As a result, a sex- advice columnist named Dan Savage held a contest to come up with a new definition for âsantorumâ, and the winning entry referred to the by- product of back- door relations. In fact, if you Google or Bing âsantorumâ, the top few search results will explain EXACTLY what Santorumâs name has become synonymous with. The long and short of it is, his name now refers to the âfrothy combinationâ of lubricant and fecal matter. Rick isnât alone; if someone tells you that they got a âMonica Lewinskiâ, you know what theyâre talking about it. Thomas Crapper, the man who brought us the MUCH appreciated stand- alone, pedestal toilet, heâs remembered by the fact that we named our turds after him, as opposed to his actual invention. Hell, thereâs Lou Gehrigâs Disease, Tommy John surgery, the Betty Ford Clinic, the Brady Act, so- named for James Brady, who was shot by John Hinkley during an attempted assassination of Ronald Reagan⦠who fired air- traffic controllers and an AIRPORT named after him. Equally ironic, George W. Bush has his own library; then again, he ALSO has a sewage treatment plant, honoring that they both have the same filling. The war, the fuzzy, the cuddly Dick Cheney, has a slime- mold beetle named after him, as do Donald Rumsfeld and W. On the other hand, Les Paul and Leo Fender will always be associated with quality musical instruments, John Maddenâs name IS video football and Martin Luther King Jr.âs name will always allow people to identify a black neighborhood in any given American city. WHETHER YOUâVE EARNED THE RIGHT OR NOT, WHAT WOULD YOU HOPE IS OR WHAT WOULD YOU HOPE IS NEVER NAMED IN YOUR HONOR?
Never wants a disease named after him, you know, like Beiber Fever
Doesnât want his name associated with anywhere notorious for traffic congestion, in particular, the 520 bridge
No STDâs named after him⦠on the other hand, if itâs a whole new STD, well, thatâs not ALL bad
Never wants a law named after him because it means something tragic happened to him⦠a la Bradyâs Law or Brianâs Law, etc
Would love to have a Navy warship named after him
Swears he invented a new way of smoking weed (???) and would like to have that method named after him
If âtheyâ ever come up with a word for âlocking oneâs keys in oneâs carâ it would be called a âStaciâ
Doesnât ever want anything in his hometown of Silverdale named after him
Has a âdanceâ move named after him⦠if youâre in the audience of a rock show, you throw your leg up on the stage, make devil horns and bang your head
Wants a sexual position named after him⦠preferably it will involve TWO people
His friends have a named a state of drunkenness after him
Would be honored to have a library named after him⦠heâs forgotten that libraries are where homeless people go to masturbate and sleep⦠or maybe he knows that
Wants a barbeque sauce named after him⦠I hope your name sounds black or southern
Would like a discipline of martial arts named after him
Never, ever wants his name associated with premature ejaculation
Wants a sex toy named after him
Heâs upset that he was named after his dad⦠he describes him as a âloserâ
Finally, if you should sh*t in your own bed, you just âThrilledâ the bed⦠thanks for remembering!
OK, itâs Friday and weâre looking at a three day weekend! F**k yea!
Until Tuesday (voices carry) do what you do best and STAY BEAUTIFUL!â
In honor of GTL month, Miles and Thee Ted Smith, among other things, have been tanning. Miles tanned last night and then hit the gym (completing the G and the T of GTL) and thatâs where he made a discovery that none of us would have known about; seems that people who tan acknowledge each other. They are their own subculture. Itâs like people who ride Harleyâs⦠if they see each other, they acknowledge one another; a nod of the head or a wave that says âI know where youâre coming from, friendâ. Perfect strangers that own the same breed of dog will always acknowledge each other, as will two men left holding their wifeâs purses while sheâs in a department store dressing room trying on seven different outfits she has no intentions of buying. Itâs a look that says, âI feel your pain, my brotherâ. Ever visit a foreign country and bump into another American? Itâs an instant friendship. If youâre a black man, you know all about the âbrothaâs nodâ; that quick nod of the head that says âyea man, me too.â Wear your Seahawks gear to a random city somewhere else in America; if you see anyone else in Seahawks gear you WILL acknowledge them. There are all kinds of subcultures, secret societies and unspoken support groups out there, whether its Jeep drivers, head shavers, the âRed Sox Nationâ or those of us in the tattoo culture. Today we wanted to know what, if any group you belong to: WHAT COMMONALITY DO YOU SHARE WITH PERFECT STRANGERS THAT YOUâLL ALWAYS ACKNOWLEDGE? IN OTHER WORDS, WHAT UNOFFICIAL CLUB DO YOU BELONG TO?
The beauty of todayâs show was that we got to the chance to discover all these different clans of people who are a part of their own âclubâ. Who knew red heads always give each other the knowing look? Or that men in kilts offer up the knowing nod to each other⦠other than red heads and men in kilts? What do red- headed men in kilts do? We never found out.
Smokeless tobacco⦠also known to us smokers as âcup holdersâ
Harleys⦠you see it all the time
He belongs to the âgiants clubâ⦠heâs 6 feet 9 inches tall and 340 pounds of bad luck finding clothes that fit
Member of the Jeep club⦠they have a secret wave
âSlug bugâ club⦠says that everyone else in a bug waves at him all the time and it annoys him
Army rangers⦠makes sense
Land Rover owners
Our show⦠apparently people acknowledge each other if they hear someone else listening to us or buying our beer. Thatâs pretty f**king cool
Men who wear kilts
Supra owners⦠not just supra owners, but the guys who modify them
Other people in scrubs⦠thatâs right, the medical professionals have a greeting
Belongs to the wheelchair club⦠specifically the non- automatic wheelchairs
Belongs to the lefty club⦠right there with ya, my man. If you see another lefty, you always acknowledge each other and share the same stories
Mopeds⦠belongs to the old school style, the pedal- until- your- engine- starts type
Natives⦠according to him, Natives will always offer each other a nod
Mazda RX-7 owners
Gun owners⦠swears he can identify other gun owners in a crowd
Being a father with young kids⦠yea, I just discovered that club about three and a half months ago. Never knew it existed, but here I am, a member
Women with huge boobs (.)(.) acknowledge each other⦠who knew? Youâd think I would have noticed that, but I guess Iâm too busy staring at their chests to notice
There are some groups of people we just assume will always acknowledge one another; people with prosthetics, people with hair- lips, burn victims, etc. Thereâs also that fleeting club that all men occasionally belong to; the âDid You See that Chickâs Assâ club. It doesnât matter where we are or what the circumstance is, if we see a great ass, we will ALWAYS make eye contact with other men in the vicinity to make sure that they too have witnessed one of natureâs perfect creations.
Iâll leave you with that⦠because itâs a great image.
Until tomorrow, watch it, judge it and STAY BEAUTIFUL!â
Charlie Sheen, star of âTwo and a Half Menâ and fan of booze, drugs and hookers, was interviewed last night by Dan Patrick and, as expected, the conversation was all about Charlieâs well- documented shananagans. He had plenty to say, but the overall point that Charlie wanted to get across was the being sober is boring. He had plenty of other âspiritual insightsâ, but they all revolved around his intrinsic belief that sobriety lacks any merit. Former baseball player Elijah Dukes, who you may remember from the police blotter, recently sat down with a reporter from the Tampa Tribune about his new rap âcareerâ⦠and about his time with the Washington Nationals. It was the latter subject that made headlines. He says that while he was a National, he and his teammates would smoke weed before every game⦠which would explain why they suck SO, SO bad. Naturally, the Nationals deny the allegations, and hey, if you canât trust a baseball player to tell you the truth, who CAN you trust? Oh, and Aaron Sorkin, the Golden Globe winning screenwriter of âThe Social Networkâ, was once asked the âsecretâ to his award winning writing style and he replied that he eats a few magic mushrooms before he writes. Now you know. This got us thinking: NOT THAT WEâRE CONDONING IT, BUT _________ IS ALWAYS BETTER WITH A BUZZ ON.
Talking to his âcontrol freakâ mother
Playing video games
His former job in sales
Cooking meals for people he hates⦠weâre assuming that he works as a cook somewhere, and I can tell you from experience that almost EVERYONE working in a kitchen is stoned
Getting arrested⦠only been arrested once and I was drunk⦠really didnât make the situation more palatable
Delivering pizzas⦠I was always under the assumption that being stoned was a prerequisite
Air travel⦠he gets jittery when he flies. Do what all the ladies do and pop a Zanax.
âHoggingâ⦠would hogging even exist if alcohol did not?
Weddings⦠AMEN! It doesnât matter if itâs your own or someone elseâs, you need a drink to get through it. They are sooooo f**king boring
Camping⦠of course
Needs to be buzzed with his âBible thumpingâ grandmother
Public speaking
Arguing⦠depends; stoned itâs fine because you just donât care, drunk itâs awful because everything becomes a much bigger deal than it needs to be
Listening to our show⦠that would make sense being that 95% of what you hear on this show was created in an altered state
Karaoke⦠I have to be buzzed to do it and I have to buzzed to listen to it
Parades⦠Iâve always hated parades, well, not âhateâ them, but they might be more agonizing than weddings, and I donât say that lightly
OK, my hung over ass is headed to Philadelphia Fever (cheese steak joint) to enjoy some delicious food that is bad for me. Love it.
Until tomorrow, no training wheels and STAY BEAUTIFUL!â
The top secret recipe for Coca- Cola is kept locked in a steel vault in Atlanta and is guarded 24 hours a day.  In fact, at any given time, only two Coke employees are even aware of the recipe.  Thatâs all about to change now that the fine folks at www.thisamericanlife.org just published the ingredients to their âsuper- secretâ ingredient, codenamed âMerchandise Xâ.  We read this supposed âsecretâ recipe and to perfectly honest, itâs pretty anticlimactic.  On the other hand, people have been trying to figure out whatâs in KFCâs 11 original herbs and spices for years, and we may have just uncovered that âsecretâ too. Colonel sanders isnât the only fried chicken guru with a secret recipe; the incomparable Flava Flav (whose name Spell- check doesnât recognize, booooyy!) has opened his OWN fried chicken restaurant in that hot- bed of soul food, Clinton, Iowa.  Like the colonel, Flav has his own secret recipe that he believes âeveryone will loveâ.  Food isnât the only world of secrets, of course.  Iraqi defector Rafis Ahmed Alwanal- Janabi, better known by his codename, âCurveballâ, just admitted that he made up stories of Iraqâs possession of biological weapons and enriched uranium.  See, he didnât like Sadam Hussein and Bush was itching for an excuse to invade, so he told the powers- that- be what they wanted to hear and the rest is history.  In spite of 4,439 American soldiers killed, over 32,000 wounded and $748,000,000,000 (thatâs 748 BILLION, bitches) spent SO FAR, âCurveballâ says he has no regrets.  Just makes you warm and fuzzy inside, doesnât it?  This all leads to todayâs question:  WHAT SECRET DO YOU WISH YOU HADNâT FOUND OUT?
Wishes heâd never seen our pictures online⦠canât blame him
Discovered the process of making gelatin and their life changed forever
Wishes that he never found out that his ex- girlfriend once had sex in a Wal- Mart bathroom
Discovered  that the girl he had sex with is dating a 12th degree black belt⦠got an ass whipping
Digging through his motherâs closet to find weed (???) and came across her TRUNK full of sex toys and naked Polaroid's
His âlate- bloomerâ friend gives way too many details about his sexual conquests
The âplot twistâ in âThe Villageâ ruined the movie for him⦠and everyone else who saw the movie
Finding out that his âidolsâ in baseball were hopped up on steroids⦠he was happily ignorant of their juicer ways
Found out that his father had ANOTHER kid outside of his marriage
Wished he hadnât found out that his brother is a pedophile
Found out that certain âall whiteâ chicken nuggets are actually lips, beaks and feet⦠but they taste delicious
His brother slept with his first âtrue loveâ
Made the awesome discovery that her mother slept with her ex boyfriend⦠if it makes you feel any better, your mother was FANTASTIC!  I kid⦠she was awful
Her husband had sex with her younger sister⦠chivalry is dead?  I think not
Found out his step- dad was bi- sexual⦠it would be no big deal, but he sets up liaisons in Thailand, Guadalajara, etc.
Discovered that his parents were swingers⦠after he caught his mother giving it to one his fatherâs âcoolâ friends
Doesnât want to know that his sister- in- law is cheating
Found out his father was dealing cocaine⦠his father happened to be dealing to his girlfriend⦠his girlfriend paid for the coke with sex⦠AWKWARD
My favorite story of the day was the guy who discovered that his mother had a porn career in the 60âs. Itâs not that she told him about it, he discovered a video tape of her when he was 11.  His best friendâs father owned it.  It should be pointed out that his best friendâs father is very close to his mother⦠and likes to see her naked⦠while his penis is in his hand.  Just sayinâ.
SIT AND SPIN
Jolene came in today for another rousing edition of Sit and Spin.  Instead of going through a list or counting down the top 10 this, that or the other, Jolene brought in a collection of crap that has been sitting on her desk.  As the KISW music director, Jolene has the âhonorâ of receiving all the new music that comes our way.  Itâs not always awesome and today was an example.
OK bitches, itâs trivia night, so Iâve gotta run and convince people that Iâm not a complete idiot.
Until tomorrow, donât stand under a tree in a lightning storm and STAY BEAUTIFUL!â
No secret; today is Valentineâs Day, a day of obligatory love, a one day ultimatum. If youâre a âromanticâ like me, you stopped by Bartell Drugs this morning, grabbed a pack of smokes, a card and called it a day. In fact, if more people were like me (among a bunch of other things) Valentineâs Day would cease to exist after this year. Itâs not that I donât love my wife, but the long and short of it is this; Valentineâs Day is a complete scam and Iâm not a fan of being told WHEN I have to do something and WHY I have to do it and HOW I should go about it. Valentineâs Day actually irritates the f**k out of me, but Iâm not alone. Men across the country absolutely abhor this day, but mostly because it has nothing to actually do with us other than bankrolling someone elseâs expectations. Well, weâre powerless to do anything to stop this nonsense, so today weâve decided to re- imagine it; treat it like a âboys night outâ, thus, are question: IF YOU HAD TO SPEND A ROMANTIC CANDLE LIGHT DINNER AND A MOVIE WITH SOMEONE OF THE SAME SEX, WHO WOULD YOU ROMANCE AND WHY?
Natalie Portman
Chuck Norris⦠wants to see if he has a third fist behind his beard
Johnny Depp⦠it would make his wife jealous
Charlie Sheen⦠no way youâre not gonna have a good time
John Stamos⦠would settle for his sloppy seconds
Adam Levine⦠singer for Maroon 5; it would make his wife jealous
Ryan Castle⦠our very own D.I.C., the drunk in charge because heâs drunk
Jewel⦠likes women with snaggly teeth
Thee Ted Smith
Tommy Lee⦠heâs his favorite drummer
Sgt. Hairclub⦠wants to ride in his BMW
Christopher Walken
Dale Earnhardt Jr⦠thinks the drive would be awesome
Kid Rock⦠you TOO could fight in a waffle house
Jared Allen⦠Vikings defensive end
Sam Elliot⦠just to listen to the guy talk
Keanu Reeves⦠he thinks that Keanu is perpetually sad and he wants to cheer him up
Woody Allen⦠I canât even imagine why
Bill OâRiley⦠I think that guy could use a good lay from ANY source
Bob Sagat
Jay Leno⦠wants to see his classic car collection
Hunter S. Thompson
OK bitches, time for me to go and figure out what to do for my legs. I ran around f*$king Green Lake yesterday and, quite frankly, my legs are killing me. Iâm walking up and down the halls of KISW like Fred Sanford. Itâs been funny for everyone except me.
Until tomorrow, donât run around Green Lake and STAY BEAUTIFUL!â
The fine folks at the www.SeattlePI.com have their finger on the pulse and they arenât scared to answer the tough questions. Case- in- point, they were recently asked if you can be fined or punished for using profanity or obscenity towards a law enforcement officer AFTER theyâve finished ticketing you? We donât advise it, but itâs perfectly legal. Think about that. Hereâs a question; ever buy a mattress or meat on a Sunday? If you have (and you have) you broke the law in Washington State. Ever have a lollipop? Yep, you broke the law again. Ever go to a club and hit the dance floor with a drink in your hand? ILLEGAL? Thatâs just Washington State. To be sure, America has more laws on the books than any other country on Earth⦠and most of them are mind- numbingly stupid, so today, for our Friday Fantasy Question, we want to know: OTHER THAN SMOKING POT, WHATâS THE ONE LAW YOUâD BREAK FIRST IF GIVEN AMNESTY⦠AND IN ALL HONESTY, HAVE YOU ALREADY DONE IT?
He would skateboard when and where he wants
Wants to legally drink booze⦠heâs 19⦠as I remember it, I was knee- deep in booze at age 19
Would carry all of his knives on him
Wants to steal gas
Wants to end the burn ban⦠the man enjoys his bonfires; besides, what destroys evidence better than a raging inferno? Unless youâre an arsonist, in which case the fire is the evidence
Wants us to be able to cuss on the air⦠we appreciate it, but itâs more fun to invent euphemisms like âmossy cottageâ, âmayonnaise cannonâ and âsatchelâ
Wants to get rid of the stator rape law⦠and that makes me very, very, very uncomfortable. Says that when he was 20 years old he slept with a 15 year old, but the 15 year old said she was 16⦠and somehow that was supposed to make it A- OK.
Drinking and driving
Wants to legally assault the man who broke up his marriage⦠instead of buy him a beer? Really?
No more child support⦠his wife cheated on HIM, but Washington being Washington, heâs the one paying
No more speed limit⦠I agree, but from what Iâve seen, no one would drive any faster
Would get rid of all red- light cameras⦠a.k.a., the cityâs personal jackpot
Wants to set up his own distillery to produce some homemade moonshine
Jaywalking⦠why is that even a law?
Would like 4X4 anywhere he wants
Believes that polygamy should be legal⦠I agree because Iâd be curious to see whoâs dumb enough to take on more than one spouse
Tax evasion⦠would like to actually keep the money he earned. Imagine that!
Would like to text and drive⦠terrible idea and youâre just not that important or interesting that you canât wait. I donât know you, but I suspect that Iâm right
Wants to be able to drink beer at a strip club⦠yea, no sh*t. If you drink enough and get double vision, itâs like the ladies have 4 jubblies
Legalize prostitution⦠it IS legal, just exchange a dinner or a bouquet of flowers in place of money and *voila*, the authorities call it a âdateâ. Same thing
Would like to be able to carry his drink from one bar to the other⦠hallelujah!
OK, the weekend is here. Iâm off to eat sushi with the wife and kid, bitches.
Until Monday, do what you do best and STAY BEAUTIFUL!â
Think back to 2005⦠the big new, shiny video game that took the world by storm was Guitar Hero. People everywhere picked up a plastic guitar, stared at colors on the TV screen and channeled their inner- rock star⦠assuming that their inner- rock star played a Fisher Price guitar. Guitar Hero got SO popular that major bands actually released new music through it, including entire albums. Well, itâs 2011 now, and 7 releases, 4 consoles and 2 billion dollars later, Activision, the folks behind the game, are pulling the plug on the once mighty game. The long and short of it is, no one is buying the game anymore and those people that already own it arenât playing it much. Thatâs alright, Iâd bet that 80% of all treadmills, elliptical machines and Bow- flexes ever sold are currently used as coat racks⦠and most people I know have a small collection of cell phones in a drawer somewhere, as theyâre replaced every two years. Itâs no big deal, except that all of this crap is expensive and entirely unnecessary⦠but thatâs the American way, so today we ask a question we know everyone has an answer to: WHAT IS THE MOST EXPENSIVE THING IN YOUR HOME THAT IS COLLECTING DUST?
Has 3 or 4 digital cameras⦠all they need are new batteries and ALL have naked pictures of exâs. Thereâs nothing creepy about that at all
An expensive shotgun⦠dropped $1000 on it and chooses to shoot his 10 year old⦠his 10 year old GUN
Bought his girl a brand new snowboard this past Thanksgiving⦠3 weeks later he found out that she was pregnant. Snowboards + pregnancy = OH S*IT!
An 1879 Remington gun
Seven antler racks he hunted⦠to be fair, MOST antler racks collect dust; what else were you going to do with them?
His C- pap machine⦠we donât know if his sleep apnea has been cured or if he chooses to saw wood all night
His 1964 tournament size Brunswick pool table
His set of free- weights
His giant PEZ dispenser⦠I canât IMAGINE not using such a useful item
His $2200 Alienware laptop⦠well, now itâs a 5 year old paperweight
His X- Box Kinect and all of the instruments that go with his Rock Band game⦠says that no one ever wants to play
A $600 suit⦠Iâve got two suits and if you donât die, graduate or get married, youâll never see me in them
Has 50 beer steins in China cabinet⦠I donât know much, but I DO know that anything in a China cabinet is designed to collect dust
Has a few hundred dollars worth of Disney pins⦠let me rephrase that; they PAID hundreds of dollars for about $5 worth of Disney pins
A $1700 pool cue that his father back in his days of competitive playing
His $1800 home theatre system
His life- sized portrait of Jenna Jameson⦠itâs in a closet out of view of his wife. Thatâs OK though, her life- sized Dirk Diggler commemorative dildo is in a shoe box in the back of her closet
His $20,000 jacuzzi
There were a few more answers today; many people named their wifeâs vagina as something expensive that is collecting dust (we expected that) and one person WOULD have had their answer read, but, and take this as advice, if you ever want to send us an e- mail and NOT have us read it, make sure the subject line reads âjust like my grandmotherâs cootchieâ¦â; sorry man, we just didnât wanna know whatâs similar to your grand maâs mossy cottage. No offense.
THE INAPPROPRIATE QUESTION:
We havenât done an âInappropriate Questionâ in a while (not intentionally, anyway) but we brought it back today. The question was inspired our shot of the day from January 26th⦠it involved 52 year old Andrew Nash, who was busted for having sex with and giving a vaginal infection to FOUR PIGS! Our question was this; you can be Mr. Nash and have to explain yourself in a televised â60 Minutesâ interview OR be attacked and killed by a great white shark; whatâs your choice?
Most people chose by great white⦠SHARK, not the band! I wanna be clear about that.
Ever wanted to see Chris Berman without a shirt? Too Bad.
OK then, Iâm done for the day.
Until tomorrow, pass it to the left and STAY BEAUTIFUL!â
About 50 cancer patients will be spending the next three months waiting to find out if, in addition to cancer, they ALSO have HIV. Seems that a not- so- bright nurse used the SAME needle on MULTIPLE patients over a period of TWO MONTHS! I guess having cancer just wasnât bad enough. A woman in Colorado is waiting to find out what the fate of her unborn child after a pharmacist mistakenly gave her a prescription for an ABORTION. She didnât want an abortion and now sheâs waiting to find out whatâs going to happen. Lovely. In Texas, the state legislature is considering signing a law that would hold parents responsible for their kids âsextingâ⦠you know, taking a picture of their prepubescent junk and sending it to other students. The idea, of course, is that your parents will discipline the kids in such a way that they wonât do it twice. This brings us to todayâs question: WHEN DID YOU PAY THE PRICE FOR SOMEONE ELSEâS SHENANIGANS?
And away we go:
Got booted from the Marines for being with a group of guys who were doing whip- its
Heâs an NCO in the army and is held responsible for anything that any of his guys do
In an effort to remove his gull stones, the doctor accidentally cut his bile duct in half, so instead of being in and out of the hospital in a few hours, he was in the hospital for several weeks
A random hook- up stole his credit card number and bought $5000 worth of crap⦠had to file for bankruptcy
Got beat up in a case of mistaken identity⦠turns out, he was beat up by his girlfriendâs cousin who he happened to be meeting for dinner later. Makes for a great conversation starter; âHey, arenât you the a**hole to beat me up?â âYea, yea, sorry âbout that. Thought you were someone else. Pass the saltâ.
Got suspended for two weeks for starting a rumor about a girl who, allegedly, enjoyed fillating. As it turns out (1) he didnât start the rumor and (2) she wasnât a fan of fillating
Got suspended from her soccer team after getting punched in the face THREE TIMES⦠they determined that she instigated the fight⦠by having a face to punch or something
His older brother once hid his bong in his room⦠his mother found it and he had to face her wrath
Woke up to a SWAT team kicking open his door because his roommate was selling the Bolivian marching powder out of their place
Got the clap from his girlfriend because she had ANOTHER boyfriend on the side⦠and that boyfriend has some dirty, dirty junk.
Was accused of writing a death threat in school
OK bitches, my head is throbbing (had a fun evening of booze last night) so Iâm gonna call it a day. âDayâ.
Until tomorrow (that would be the day after today), stroke it slowly and STAY BEAUTIFUL!â
Today is Tuesday, and this is our first day back from the weekend. As we did last year and plan to do EVERY year, we, the Menâs Room took yesterday off. Itâs the day after the Super Bowl, and as we see it, Super Bowl Monday is the MANâS holiday, the day of the year that men across the country should stay the hell home⦠and nurse our collective hangover. Why not? NEXT Monday is the ultimate WOMAN holiday⦠VALENTINEâS DAY!!! Mark your calendars, buy a card and prepare to shell out the dead Presidents. Thatâs right, itâs that time of the year when a $20 bouquet of roses will retail for $80 and BILLIONS of dollars worth of jewelry will be sold just to insure the nookie for another year. In fact, a lot of men reserve Valentineâs Day as the ONE day out of the year to do something romantic, defined by the way, as âfanciful, impractical or unrealisticâ. No wonder women love the idea of romance. Anyway, women love a good romance, guys love women who put out, and with Valentineâs Day only 6 days away, men across the country are coming up all manner of romantic ideas to make their lady happy, unfortunately, our romantic efforts arenât always a success. That is todayâs question: WHAT DID YOU THINK WAS A ROMANTIC IDEA⦠AND DID YOUR PARTNER AGREE?
You know, I searched my brain for an answer to todayâs question, but the sad truth is, Iâm the least romantic man on Earth and unapologetic about it. I donât actually have a story to tell. Sad but true⦠and sorry ladies, Iâm taken!
As for the rest of you:
Just has a three- way⦠he found it more romantic than his partner
Bought brand new tires for her truck⦠she didnât like them too much, but thatâs because they were on HIS truck
Took her out to dinner, left a trail of rose petals and candles leading to the bathroom and it was great⦠until they both got food poisoning
Took his girl to the Oregon Coast, but convinced her they were staying at a Motel 6⦠she wasnât happy, but heâd actually made a reservation at a 5- star hotel.  Remember, itâs not the thought that counts, itâs the cost
They were both outdoorsy types, so he packed her a lunch, went for a hike and went to the same place her EX had taken her on a first date
Hid a ring in their bed for her to find⦠she found it and threw it away, thinking it was trash. Gotta wonder how sh*tty that ring was
Gave his woman a Thigh- Master for Valentineâ day⦠not his best idea
Set up a nice picnic on the river catered by a chef⦠she pointed out that she doesnât like surprises. Is she a ungrateful bitch? Yea, but on the bright side, if she doesnât like surprises (control freak!) thereâs no point wasting the effort to be âromanticâ
He was prepared to propose to his woman at a hockey game at Key Arena⦠the day before the game, she pointed out that if he ever proposed to her during a sporting event sheâd say ânoâ. Sheâs a KEEPER!
Went hunting on his honeymoon⦠she didnât enjoy it quite the way he did
CURSING/ CUSSING/ BLASPHEMING
So doing live radio always leaves the possibility that someone at some point, be it a caller or one of us, will say a word that our âfriendsâ at the FCC will frown upon. Thatâs OK, but there are 7 specific words that the FCC makes it very clear cannot be spoken! We have a little thing we play every time it happens but, inevitably, we still get bombs dropped on every other show. Anyway, one of our listeners Josh got bored but got productive and made a visual list for us. This is how it works⦠if you can read it, you can say it. Have a look.
OK, thatâs all for today, bitches.
Until tomorrow, eat more cheese and STAY BEAUTIFUL!â
Seven years ago today, a goofy looking college student started Facebook, and 600 MILLION users later, itâs all the rage. Users create profiles, list personal interests, contact information, pictures from 10 years ago before they were fat and then they stalk each other and argue over trivial crap. Exciting stuff! Anyway, Facebook has been and continues to be all the rage. In other ânewsâ, NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell held a press conference earlier today to deliver his âstate of the NFLâ address where he told everyone exactly nothing about the state of the NFL. We want to thank Roger for that informative moment. Oh, and last week, President Obama delivered the State of the Union Address, where he told us a bunch of stuff we already know⦠being that we live here and all. Nevertheless, weâve decided that today we wanted to combine âstate ofâsâ¦â with the finer elements of Facebook and learn a little something about you: TODAY WE WANT TO HEAR THE STATE OF YOU⦠WHATâS YOUR STATUS UPDATE?
Healthy, horny and playing âCall of Dutyâ
Wishes he could get off his âfat assâ and exercise to lose weight⦠gave this a bunch of thought and Iâve come up with a plan; get off your fat ass and exercise and youâll loves weight
Joined the GTL movement (gym, tan, laundry)
Got a new job
Just moved to Washington State, his woman is 4 months pregnant with 2nd kid
Didnât sleep well last night, but might see âBlack Swanâ tonight
In a bad mood because work sucks today
Already preparing food for Super Bowl Sunday
Currently single but looking for âassâ
Excited and happy because theyâre going to Motorhead tonight and the Ozzy/ Slash show tomorrow night
Just cracked open his 2nd beer⦠by now, probably on his 5th
Started Chantix to quit smoking
About to be promoted to a captain⦠flies for Virgin Air; congratulations- your airline kicks ass
Heâs currently on a bender
Heâs dealing with a lawsuit⦠5 illegal immigrants are suing him because they (never) worked for him and didnât pay them. The question is, isnât it illegal to HIRE illegal's in the first place? WTF?
Worked as a volunteer at a newspaper and STILL lost his job
Has had the same Poison song stuck in his head all day⦠I wouldnât wish that on my worst enemy! Wait⦠yea I would
OK bitches, itâs the weekend. A SUPER BOWL weekend, so I have to say, go Pack!
Until Tuesday (yes, Tuesday) do what you do best and STAY BEAUTIFUL!â
Itâs no secret that women are lunatics with breasts⦠and today we bring you a story that only re- enforces it. Unfortunately, this story involves TAMPONS, and I apologize for that in advance. Anyway, in the world of tampons, women have many, many choices; Platex, Kotex, Tampax, Radius, Natracare, Carefree, high absorbency, low absorbency, plastic applicator, and on and on it goes. However, in spite of all of those choices, women nationwide are going crazy to find Johnson & Johnsonâs o.b. tampons. I donât know (or care) what makes these particular tampons so unicorn- awesome, but theyâve been âmysteriously absentâ from store shelves and women across the country are seriously freaking out. In fact, some lunatics women are paying HUNDREDS of dollars for them on eBay. OK, I have to stop âtampon talkâ now. In other news, Verizon will debut the i-phone next week. Sure, the i-phone has been around for a little while now, but it was only available through AT&T. Gadget- heads who just HAD to have one already, well, they have one already, but, for a lot of people, until Verizon release it, there was no chance of getting one. Thatâs how it goes sometimes; we want what we want HOW we want it, and that brings us to todayâs question: WHEN IT COMES TO _________, IâLL ACCEPT NO SUBSTITUTES.
Q- Tips
Philadelphia Cream Cheese
Marlboro Snuff⦠I didnât even know that Marlboro made snuff, but then, I donât know much about snuff
Jiff peanut butter⦠amen, and make it creamy
Will only buy weed grown and harvested in Washington State⦠support your local growers
