'Sneaker- heads', as they are (not really) called, were very excited yesterday with Nike's release of the long- awaited Air Jordans 11 Retro Concords. People lined up as early as 3 am to get their hands on, and feet into, a pair. However, as expected, things got unruly enough at South Center Mall that several people were pepper- sprayed and arrested. In Richmond, California, a guy fired a gun into the air to dispense the crowd that had gathered outside of a store to better his chances at getting a pair of the Jordans, while in San Leandro, California, a crowd of about 200 people broke through a mall entry door to line up outside iof a Foot Locker. The irony is, the manager of the Foot Locker kept HIS doors locked, concerned that the situation was getting 'dangerous'. Similar situations played out in Detroit, Atlanta and Charlotte. Meanwhile, electronics retailer Best Buy is getting slammed by angry customers for cancelling their orders right before Christmas. In a seeming effort to make their customers as angry as possible, Best Buy has said nothing about compensation, which products have been affected or how many orders have been cancelled. Way to go. And then there's the well- documented uptick in packages being stolen from people's doorsteps. 'Tis the season, indeed! With all of this nonsense going on, we felt compelled to ask: WHAT IS THE MOST TROUBLE YOU'VE HAD TO GO THROUGH TO GIVE OR RECEIVE A GIFT?
Yea, the stories weren't awesome today... not bad, but not awesome. Is that why I'm not typing much of a blog? No. I'm feeling lazy and this is our last day before our holiday break. So here's the skinny; we're off all of next week and will be back on January 3rd? Whatever the first Tuesday is after the New Year, that's when we'll be here.
I speak for all of us here when I say, have a good holiday, whatever you celebrate or don't celebrate.
OK bitches, until we meet again, do what you do best and STAY BEAUTIFUL!"
Today we went back in time (time... time...) and revisited some of the funnier, creepier, more pathetic and stranger moments that happened on this very program during 2011. Ben was the only person who knew what we'd be hearing in advance, but like anything, the moment we heard the clips, the memories came flooding back. It's that time of the year when, like EVERY year at this time, everyone looks back on the year that was and weighs its pros and cons. Was it a good year? Was it a bad year? Did I achieve my goals? Did I have any goals to achieve? Well, good or bad, successful or not, something happened that was more memorable than anything else, and that's what we talked about today: WHAT IS THE THING YOU'LL REMEMBER MOST FROM THE PAST YEAR?
I think for me it has to be seeing my daughter take her first steps. I'm always working, day and night, so I was always worried I'd miss those little kid milestones, like walking, talking and the rest. well, lo- and- behold, my daughter decided to get her walk on on a Sunday. It was very cool moment... one of those small steps toward being a normal human being. Now it's proven to be a pain in the ass. Just sayin'... it was cool then, now it has removed any semblance of relaxation. If you have a little kid, be warned.
As for you, here are some of your more memorable events and moments:
Almost died in a rip tide in Hawaii... kinda ruins the fun of a vacation
In one week, he lost his job, closed on a house, had a kid and got a new job... helluva week, man
Got hired as a weatherman in Montana... had been looking for 2 years and finally landed a gig... says he was recognized once, but they thought he was the rival weather man, so he was ALMOST recognized
Saw the birth of his first child, but like me, it wasn't the arrival of his child that he remembers so much, but the visual of what his wife's vagina did to produce that baby
Marshawn Lynch's 'beast run' against the Saints in the playoffs
He became a grandfather for the first time
Graduated high school, joined the Army, survived basic in Georgia and will be going to Afghanistan
Got a pair of brand new lungs... has Cystic Fibrosis and has needed new lungs for quite some time and 6 months ago he got them. He's doing well now
Had sex on the Great Wall of China... I've now added that to my 'bucket list'
Got a divorce in October, met a woman 6 DAYS later and is already married again... says he's happy and has no regrets... we think he's f**king insane
Received a 66% pay raise... discovered that money CAN buy happiness
Broke his back at work... the irony of his injury is that it only happened because he was wearing a SAFETY harness that got tangled up in some machinery
Rode topless on the back of a Harley for 20 miles
Got married in July and says he already hates it... CONGRATULATIONS
Published his first two novels AND bought his first handgun... hasn't EVERYONE done that this year?
Moved here a year ago and said his highlight was discovering our show... I don't know if that's really sad or really flattering?
OK bitches, I'm outta here for the evening!
Until tomorrow, scratch, sniff and STAY BEAUTIFUL!"
Because few things in this world are more satisfying than laughing at other people, we've taken the time to pull lists of "the dumbest quotes" of the year from politicians, actors, athletes and pretty much anyone in the public eye. Why? Because we're petty that way, but more than that, it makes us feel better when we think other people are dumber than we are. Are they REALLY dumber than we are? Probably not, but they have the misfortune of having every stupid thing they say made public, while most of us have the luxury of OUR stupidity only being known to friends, family and co- workers. Today we were hoping to change that by encouraging you to share your moments of idiocy. We do it, unwittingly, every day on the air. We're not always aware of it, but thanks to the lightning- fast responses of e-mailers and texters, we're alerted to our faux-pas soon after making them. Thanks? Anyway, today's question: WHAT IS THE DUMBEST THING YOU'VE EVER HEARD OR SAID?
Away we go:
Grandmother said, "I guess they didn't free all the slaves" to a black woman who was working on Thanksgiving.
Was on a boat in the Sound when someone asked, "what's the elevation?" That would be SEA LEVEL, buddy
Bill O'Reilly's claim that the Moon has nothing to do with the tides... in spite of the Moon having everything to do with the tides. Moon + water = tides
His overly sensitive friend once stated that "you shouldn't make fun of CANADA just because you think they talk funny!"
"Why can't I find out how many people live in Seattle nationally? Google sucks!"
Thought Pearl Jam's "Daughter" was "Butter"... "Don't call me Butter..."
In high school, a teacher was talking about power plants; a girl in his class was shocked to hear that plants could produce electricity
Once knew a girl who thought the Sun turned into the Moon at nights
Told his wife that she looked like a "whore"... terrible idea
Used his TV as a speaker phone... his aunt asked if he could see her too
His buddy thought that you could swim UNDER an island
Friend's wife asked, "when gay men have sex, which one of them gets pregnant?"
I'll leave you with that universally pondered query.
Gotta run to work on a "special secret" project.
Until tomorrow, hit me with your best shot and STAY BEAUTIFUL!"
Writer Scott Locklin recently penned an article titled "Never Trust Anyone Who Hasn't Been Punched in the Face". That's been the general belief of everyone on this show for years, but Scott articulates our position with great clarity. It's not the most politically correct piece of ever written, but what that means is it's TRUE. The long and short of what he says is that violence and those people who've experienced violence have a better and closer connection to the truth of how the world really works. Doesn't sound warm and fuzzy, but the world is neither warm nor fuzzy... and that is the entirety of his point. It's like we always say about Alcoholics Anonymous; your sponsors are alcoholics... they know where you're coming from, so you can trust them. Who you trust is situational, of course, as, in general, alcoholics don't rank very high on most people's list of trustworthiness, but in the case of AA, there's no one better. As you go through life and have your own experiences, you start to determine who you do and/ or don't take seriously based on what you feel they should, or in some cases, should not have done. NEVER TRUST ANYONE WHO HASN'T DONE OR EXPERIENCED _________.
I'll sound cynical, but I don't trust ANYONE running for public office. That's just me. As for you:
Has no time for anyone who has never "punched a time card"
Don't trust anyone who has never tried the product they're trying to sell you... that's why it's fun to talk to people at sex shops about sex toys
Anyone who has never moved out of their home town... amen... enjoy some independence and create your OWN drama
Don't trust any adult who still lives with their parents... amen, part two
Don't' trust the parenting advise of anyone who is not a parent
Don't trust anyone who is scared to be scared... in other words, he believes that you should face your fears in life
People who don't smoke weed are not to be trusted
Doesn't trust anyone who didn't or doesn't have a job as a teenager
Anyone who has never lived paycheck to paycheck... I'm not sure I know anyone who DOESN'T live paycheck to paycheck
Doesn't trust anyone who has never spent the night in jail
Had to take anger management class from a guy who, self- professed, has no anger issues
Don't trust 'whitey'
Doesn't trust professional cooks who don't smoke weed... in the 12 years I cooked, I can say with complete honesty that I never met a cook who didn't smoke weed
SIT AND SPIN
In honor Hanukah, Jolene brought us the top 10 Jewish rockers. Yes, they exist! Here's a link to the list:
If you happen to be a member of the tribe, Happy Hanukah.
Last wee k on TV Time with Ted, Ted shared the story of the Parents Television Council reaction to NBC hiring Howard Stern as a judge on "America's Got Talent". As you'd expect from a group as self- righteous and out- of- touch as the PTC, they're OUTRAGED. They Stern is anonymous with "obscenity and profanity", and that NBC has a clear disregard for children. They determined all of this from one hire. At any rate, the new age Nazi's at the PTC also have their lists of the best and worst advertisers and television shows, etc. Here's the thing about these yahoos... they spend a LOT of time watching shows they profess to hate. Sounds a little fishy to me, but today I'll give them the benefit of the doubt. After all, sometimes we're roped into things we have no obligation to, in spite of the fact that we know all it will do is irritate us. Ask any sports fan. Today we asked: WHAT DO YOU EXPOSE YOURSELF TO EVEN THOUGH YOU KNOW IT'S JUST GONNA GET YOU FIRED UP?
For the most part I've cut the "toxic" things out of my life, but I can't resist reading the 'comments' section of almost any news story. I don't know why I do it as it only serves to piss me off, but I do it all the time. I don't know why. Part of it is that I hate the fact that everyone talks sh*t when they're anonymous, but I keep reading it. What the hell is wrong with me?
Mexican soap operas... his wife has a way of relating the plot of these to his life... makes his life miserable
Ghost Hunters and Paranormal State... she's consistently disappointed that she never actually see's a ghost
The Lohan family... pays attention to what they do, in spite of the fact that whatever it is it will drive him nuts
His wife during the holidays... she, like most women, goes dog- nuts at the holidays, stressing about everything except the actual HOLIDAY part
Commuting to work and dealing with traffic... could take the bus but opts for the road rage and doesn't know why
Watches PBS's "Frontline", the investigative news show... it almost doesn't matter who you are, "Frontline" will piss you off. Actually, it's not the show that's irritating, it's the fact that they expose how frickin' corrupt, well, everything is
Right wing crazies... Rush Limbaugh, Glenn Beck and the others. It's not what they say, it's the fact that none of them even believe the crap they say
His computer... apparently it's a piece of crap
Online games... Modern Warfare 3 in particular; it's not the game, but the people he's playing with
Conversations about sports with a specific co- worker... mine and Ted's first steady radio gig was a sports talk show and after a few years of it I decided that I would NEVER do it again. Nothing worse than listening to a bunch of people piss and moan and analyze something they know nothing about and all of their opinions were based firmly in their love of a particular team. If they were Mariners fans, the greatest team in baseball was the Mariners, no matter the record, and on and on it went. Mind- numbing
"Deadliest Catch"... he used to be a crab fisherman in Alaska... show makes him scream at the TV
The news... it's never good news, but on the bright side, as long as the news is consistently "bad" and it's still news, we're doing OK
Similar to above, the "BS" stories that the local news stations insist on presenting, i.e., "how your tooth brush might kill you" (true one), "is your neighbor spying on you?" (true one), etc, etc
Us... says we make him mad, drive him to yell at the radio, BUT he enjoys the show enough to forgive us
Guns and Roses will be performing tonight at the Key Arena. This would have been much cooler 20 years ago, but it is what it is, and Axl Rose, along with hired guns (and roses) will be rockin’ the Key. What makes the show more compelling is that Duff McKagan’s Loaded will be opening the show… leading most of us to believe that he will join Axl on stage for a few songs. I won’t be there tonight, but what intrigues me the most isn’t how G-n-R will sound, but how Axl will look. If you haven’t seen him recently, you’re in for a big surprise… emphasis on ‘big’. The once- skinny dude who used to move like a serpent is now a fat dude who moves like, well, a fat dude. Maybe he’s kicked his drug habit, maybe it’s a thyroid thing, maybe he’s just hungry all the time, but the difference in his appearance is glaringly obvious. Maybe his bloating has been gradual, but most of us haven’t seen the guy in years. To be fair, any time you bump into someone you haven’t seen in a while, you notice how much they’ve changed; the hot chick is fat and ugly, the ugly chick is hot, the jock is fat and bald, the nerd is still a nerd, but he has a dime on his arm and on and on it goes. Today we wanted to know: IF YOU WERE TO BUMP INTO SOMEONE YOU HAVEN’T SEEN IN A LONG TIME, WHAT ABOUT YOUR APPEARANCE WOULD THEY SAY HAS CHANGED THE MOST?
His beard and long(ish) hair… former military
People would be surprised by all the facial hair… thankfully this response was from a guy… just imagine the alternative
Used to be a scrawny kid with a massive Afro (not much different than me) but now he’s bald (not much different than me) and cut with muscles (much, MUCH different than me)
First thing people notice about him is the fact that he’s now missing AN ARM
Weighed 302 in high school and is down to 212 pounds
Used to wear baggy pants and listen to rap… now he’s a “rocker” and attributes his change of view to listening to us
Went from 4 feet 8 inches to 5 feet 10 inches… in ONE year
All pierced and tattooed now… two full sleeves and more
Used to be buff, now he’s fat… some guys have all the luck
Grew up with jacked- up teeth all through his childhood… finally got the money to fix his grill and got his grill fixed
In high school she was the “fat, ugly girl”, now she’s “pretty hot”
She got a nose job and lost some weight
Used to have short hair and no curves… or as we say, she looked like a dude… now she has long hair and curves
Had hair that hung 12 inches down his back… now he’s in the military and has the customary buzz- cut
My favorite submission of the day: had no boobs in high school and now has a full chest… unfortunately he’s a HE!
I’ll leave you with that lovely image.
Until Monday, do what you do best and STAY BEAUTIFUL!”
According to a new survey from Living Social, the average American is delusional. Based on their results, one out of three people, or 33%, rated their looks an 8, 9, or 10 on a scale of 1 to 10. Another 57% of people gave themselves AT LEAST a 7 on the same scale. That means 90% of Americans believe they are a 7 or higher, hence; my observation that people in this country are delusional. Have you looked around lately? Do you believe that 9 out of every 10 people you meet are 7’s? If so, where do you live because I’d like to live there. Anyway, clearly (fat) Americans are vain, and this same survey sought out the vainest city in America. Not- so- shockingly, Miami ranked #1 (and they pay good money for all of the appropriate parts) and the least vain was Cleveland… which, by default, makes Cleveland one of the most honest cities in our country. I’ve been there and they’re right. Seattle, incidentally, ranked somewhere in the middle of the ‘vanity’ survey. The average person in the Emerald City ranks themselves somewhere between a 6 and a 7, but we pride ourselves on being ‘non- plastic’, but saddled with ‘a lot of ugly men’. In a separate survey, “Allure” magazine discovered that black women are 300% more likely to consider themselves “hot” than any other group, 1 in 5 MEN wish they had a bigger butt (???) and 97% of women wish they weighed less. You’re not alone ladies! A lot of different ingredients go into being hot; your face, body- type, personality and, if you’re a guy, your income. Today we asked you to consider all you have to offer and answer the Men’s Room Survey: WHAT DO YOU RATE YOURSELF ON A SCALE OF 1 TO 10 AND WHY?
I figure I’m a 5 at best… not super ugly, not particularly good looking, rude, smoke and fart a lot.
As for you:
8… says that he WOULD be a 9, but he’s broke
6… tall. Blonde guy, good manners, a college degree and respectful… so if he’s only a 6, I’m guessing he’s ugly
7… describes herself as ‘plus- size’ (which might entail so much more). But says she has a “great” ass, 42 DD’s and a “nice” face
4… works as a dishwasher at a bar, he’s going bald and is short… I’ll give you a 5… one point for honesty
5… small boobs and no ass
8… great job and nice hair
6… she’s “a little” (meaning a lot) overweight but has big boobs. Are they NICE boobs or just big? There’s a difference
7… clean and athletic
6… cute face, but she’s 4 feet, 11 inches and “chubby”, but has a great personality
8… 120 pound woman with DD’s and a “nice” ass
7… lives with 10 other guys and was voted best looking out of the group… but we don’t know if the votes came from his roommates or women!
Starts with a 10 (6 feet tall and 172 pounds), subtracts 2 for being a drummer vs a guitar player, subtracts another 2 for being broke and then subtracts another 2 for listening to us, making him a 4
2… 19 years old, 6 feet 5 inches, 300 pounds and unemployed
3… broken front tooth and “very” pale
6… would give himself an 8, but he has a small d*ck
4 for looks, but he’s a Marine so he’s a 5
2… 5 feet, 9 inches tall, 400 pounds and still lives with his parents… at age 25
We got about 10 million more calls and e- mails today, so I’m just gonna stop here. I think on average, our listeners ranked themselves around a 6, which is in line with what the survey suggested for Seattle. I still can’t believe that 90% of Americans rate themselves a 7 or higher. Do these people look around? Own a mirror? Worth asking.
OK bitches, I’m out of here!
Until tomorrow, plug your nose and STAY BEAUTIFUL!”
The holidays are upon us and with that comes the stress that only the holidays can bring… but it’s not the holidays that are stressful, it’s women’s involvement in the holidays that sucks away the joy and replaces it with stress. Seriously. A recent survey of couples found that exactly 0% of men take charge during the holidays, BUT men (secretly) think they could do it better. Why? Men would eliminate the unnecessary silliness; no cards, less money on gifts, no visits from family and a simplified dinner. Basically, you’d get a few gifts and enjoy the time away from work. End of story. Then again, a survey of women shows that 83% believe that men couldn’t “handle” a monthly period… failing to realize that men, generally speaking, would prepare for something they know will occur every single month at roughly the same time. Just sayin’. And a survey from Ivory Soap says that 80% of mothers believe being a mom is more complicated now than it was 20 years ago, but 90% of them believe they do a better job than their mother. Who knows? Everybody thinks they could do something better than or as well as anyone else, given the opportunity. Today we asked you to share: WHAT IS THE ONE THING YOU THINK YOU CAN DO WELL IF GIVEN THE CHANCE?
Thinks he could do sex well… if given the chance!
Believes he could be a radio personality based on the fact that WE are radio personalities… and he is correct
A dog trainer… adopted an unruly mutt and had it sitting, rolling over and all the rest within minutes… says it has to do with giving commands in French. Works extremely well in France
Could be a mechanical engineer… has two degrees
Thinks he could run a club… loves music and the music scene has been involved for years
Bounty Hunter… likes the idea of kicking down doors and dispensing justice… doesn’t like the idea of being shot at
Music producer… has a natural ear for orchestration and knows what would “sell”
An urban and civic planner… says he could (at worst) do a better job than Seattle
Race NASCAR… drive fast, turn left
Believes he could do voice- over work… sent a Facebook message so we don’t know what he sounds like
My favorite of the day; says that given the chance he could make Justin Bieber’s death look like an accident
So Jeff Ament, from Pearl Jam has just released his first- ever signature bass (a variation of a Thunderbird bass) and the guy who makes them is Mike Lull. He dropped by the studio today and shared a few stories of his time with various Seattle bands, from Heart, to AiC to Nirvana, etc. Really cool guy, and as a bass player, I would say he’s doing God’s work. Anyway, the guy got ME pumped up, so now I’m considering having a custom bass built. Yea… that’s right. Just a thought for now, but I’m determined to make it happen.
OK bitches, I’m outta here like Vladimir… whoever Vladimir might be.
Until tomorrow, do it like you mean it and STAY BEAUTIFUL!”
www.Askmen.com just did men a favor everywhere and came up with a list of “Dating Red Flags”. They have a list of 10… some you already know, some will make you say “aha!”. Thing about red flags is that you view it as an omen of a fundamental truth. Miles will tell you that if you see a grown man on a one- speed bike, he can get you drugs. I feel the same way about any grown man with pig tails… he can get you weed, and he can get it for you in less than 5 minutes. There’s also a survey out that says approximately 10% of adults sleep with a stuffed animal. I’m not entirely sure what that means, but I take it as a warning. Don’t know why, but that creeps me out. Whatever the case, in the course of our lives, we’ve all made mental notes of other people’s warning signs… for better or worse. Today we asked: WHAT DO YOU ASSUME TO BE TRUE OF SOMEONE BECAUSE OF _______________.
Here are Ask Men’s 10 Red Flags:
She still uses Hotmail, AOL or Yahoo! Email
She’s been cheated on more than once
She doesn’t say “thank you” when you open the door for her
She’s never had a one night stand
She’s never smoked pot
She doesn’t drink beer at a live sporting event
She has a cat
She pats her pizza down with a napkin
She doesn’t have any dateable friends
She doesn’t understand that men are naturally programmed to be polygamists
… so says Ask Men.
A man in a holiday sweater is a douche… he might also have the misfortune of having children who BOUGHT him the sweater and would be devastated if he didn’t wear it. I hope to avoid that kind of thing as my daughter grows older.
A woman who dresses her dog in clothes is bat sh*t crazy… and in need of a child!
Anyone wearing a Bluetooth outside of their car is a self- important douche… maybe that’s a gross generalization, but I’m yet to meet anyone wearing a Bluetooth outside of their car who is NOT a self- important douche
If you don’t put out by the 2nd date, you have no intention of putting out
Anyone on a street corner with a clipboard is bound to bother you… so true. Why can’t we just walk down the f**king street with 30 people asking us to sign this, what we think about that… don’t worry about what I think about anything… if I wanted you to know, I’d tell you
A “666” tattoo is a red flag… don’t know why, other than being cheesy
Assumes that anyone with missing or rotten teeth is a meth head
A girl with a tattoo is not a virgin… then we got emails from two broads who got tattoos before they had sex. Congratulations
Any woman with ‘fake stuff’ is dangerous… as in boobs, hair, nails, etc
Says that women with thumb rings are easy… let’s hope so
If a woman has a black eye, her husband/ boyfriend beats her
SIT AND SPIN
Jolene shared the 10 Worst Holiday Songs… or as we call it, 10 random holiday songs. Here’s a link for you to enjoy. You’re welcome.
Until tomorrow, I dance with myself, so STAY BEAUTIFUL!”
So, Monday afternoon, like countless afternoons before, 17- year- old Emmanuel Williams of Tahoma High School, hopped on his bus after school to go home. He noticed the bus driver acting strangely, then the bus started swerving, and after it pulled onto I-5, he realized that the driver had passed out. He ran to the front of the bus, woke the driver up and avoided catastrophe. Emmanuel says he was “just doing the right thing”. We think he didn’t wanna die. Either way, he saved the day. On the subject of ‘saving the day’, just yesterday, a guy named Jereme Lane witnessed a tractor- trailer crash through a guardrail and plummet into the Duwamish River. Jereme pulled over, took off his jacket, jumped into the river and rescued the driver. Let’s face it, neither of these guys woke up and thought “I’m gonna be heroic today”… they found themselves in a situation and reacted in a beneficial way. Sometimes you do things you never thought you were capable of doing. Maybe you rescued someone or maybe you held a bong hit for 2 minutes and didn’t cough. Today we wanted to know: WHAT DID YOU THINK YOU’D NEVER DO… BUT YOU DID IT?
For me this is easy… have a kid. Not that I thought I COULDN’T have a kid (it’s actually easy and fun to do) but I didn’t think I’d actually be a father, but here I am. Everything else I’ve done… meh.
As for you:
Had her tubes tied after her third child 2 and a half years ago… proud mother of a 6- month- old
In spite of being queasy around blood, he helped a guy who severed an artery at work
Beer bonged a 24 ounce beer with a shot of Everclear, milk and maple syrup mixed in without puking… sure his parents are the proudest parents on the block
Never thought he could muster the balls to kick out his ex and live on his own… said it was easier than he thought and has enjoyed his last year and a half of freedom
Never thought he’d survive boot camp, but he did and went on to enjoy military life
Drank a gallon of milk in 45 minutes on a dare… wanted to “die” for the next two days. Adds that it wasn’t worth it.
Thought he’d never buy a hooker… went to Thailand, changed his view on prostitution forever. We hear that a lot from dudes who visit Thailand
Was paralyzed when he was 13- years- old from a virus… never thought he’d walk again, but lo- and- behold, he’s walking!
Never thought he’d be able to dunk, but after lots of practice, he, in fact dunked… and then broke his ankle when he landed awkwardly
Didn’t think he’d ever own his own business, but for the last 4 years he’s been the owner of Pangea Gardenscapes
Swam with sharks… F**K THAT… but pretty cool
Travel the world, but he did… one of those things I’d love to do
Never thought he would get custody of his daughter (mostly because he’s a he) but he got custody
OK bitches, we’re outta here, and in the effort of full disclosure, we won’t be here tomorrow or Monday. Why? Well, we have two vacation days left this year (other than Christmas) so we’re just taking them. Now you know.
Until next Tuesday, do what you do best and STAY BEAUTIFUL!”
Discovery Channel’s “Mythbusters” got a surprise yesterday. As you probably know, “Mythbusters” tests whether legends and/ or common assumptions hold up to scientific scrutiny. Not sure what they were attempting to prove or disprove yesterday, but it involved firing a cannon… which they did. Unfortunately, a stray shot bounced off of a safety berm and careened into a residential area, where it hit a car and tore through a home. No one was hurt, but Discovery is settling up with the affected property owners. Sh*t happens. On the subject of things that didn’t quite go as planned, a woman in Florida staged a fake kidnapping in an effort to get money from her boyfriend. She had an accomplice call her boyfriend and demand a ransom of… $100… yes, only $100… but her boyfriend wasn’t willing to part with such a lofty amount of money to see his girlfriend again. In the end, she and her accomplice were arrested. That wasn’t her plan, but that’s how it ended. It’s no secret that, often times, how things end up aren’t necessarily what we intended… and that’s the kind of epic fail we wanted to discuss today: WHAT DID YOU MEAN TO DO BUT WHAT ENDED UP HAPPENING?
Tried to create a “romantic” evening last night, but forgot to open the flue to the fireplace and almost burned the house down. Next time, feed her tequila shots… end result is the same and it takes less effort
As we’ve ALL done, he thought it would be funny to sneak up on his friend and scare him… got stabbed in the eye with a chopstick for his trouble. Side note: don’t scare Mr. Miyagi
Told his ex that they should just “be friends”, but they ended up having sex… which is what “friends with an ex” usually boils down to
When he was 8- years- old, his intention was to pet the Doberman, but he ended up unwillingly feeding the dog his forearm
Just wanted to have sex with the hot chick… 20 years later they’re still married, and more likely than not, not having sex
Tried to fire a homemade cannon for a group of friends and family on July 4th… it exploded like a pipe bomb and sent shrapnel everywhere
She pushed some dude away who was being “a creep”… dude fell down 12 stairs and broke his leg
Kept sending dirty texts and pictures… to his buddy’s MOTHER… quite by accident. Imagine if she’d sent a dirty picture back!
When she was 17- years- old, she bought herself a vibrator and went to town on herself. She fell asleep spread- eagle, vibrator in hand and was awakened by her mother!
Tried 10 million different things to get a mole out of her yard… her brother suggested dropping an M- 80 down the hole, so she did… blasted half her yard onto the roof of her house. The mole came back the next day and she eventually moved
Still hasn’t told her husband that she filed for divorce… not sure what that had to do with our question, but I liked her story enough to share it
Attempted to clean his grandfather’s gun… shot himself in the leg instead
Tried to get laid and got a wife, 2 kids and a mortgage
OK bitches, I’m outta here for the evening. I don’t know what you plan on doing tonight, but do it well!
Until tomorrow, row, row, row your boat and STAY BEAUTIFUL!
If you’re a fan of football, what could be cooler than owning part of an NFL franchise? Well, if you’re a fan of the Green Bay Packers, you can “own” part of the team. For $250, the Packers will send you a piece of paper that, essentially, is meaningless. You see, by becoming a part “owner” of the Packers, your seats will NOT be upgraded, you will NOT move up on the list of people waiting for season tickets, you CAN’T sell your ‘share’, you can only pass it onto a family member. In other words, for $250 you can get a piece of paper. Nevertheless, we know people will send their money in and pretend to own a piece of the Pack. What a deal! Here in Seattle, if you have $1 you can buy the legendary Kalakala ferry… the silver, art- deco ferry that USED to be the flagship of the Puget Sound. Sure, it’s a rusted, sinking piece of trash now, but for one dollar you can buy a piece of garbage. We poke fun, but we all know someone who owns something that is entirely worthless, and chances are, you do too. WHAT WILL YOU ALWAYS HOLD ONTO THAT ISN’T WORTH A DAMN?
Away we go:
His Big Dog golf t- shirt… never worn it, still has the stickers on it, but there it sits in his closet and he won’t get rid of it. The only thing in my closet that I actively DON’T wear but won’t get rid of is a suit
Can’t part with the keys to his 1968 VW Beetle… the car is nothing more than scrap metal now, but he’s holding onto the keys
Has a 30- feet long Budweiser banner he stole… he’ll own it right up until he and a chick move in together
A box of Wheaties from 1991 with the Twins World Series winners on it
License plates from all the cars he’s ever owned… 15 total
He keeps his energy drink cans; not every can, but the first can from each of the different energy drinks he’s ever tried. Is this the 21st century version of collecting beer cans?
Won’t part with his ‘Alco- Hall- O- Fame’ banner… that he likely stole from us since that’s the only way to have one! Just sayin’
Has 2 working 8-track players… question is; have any 8-tracks to listen to?
Still has a box of old boyfriend’s crap… she’s moving in with her NEW boyfriend this weekend
Can’t part with his Rubik’s cube… says he’s solved it thousands of times. I’ve never solved that thing
Has a Russian $10 bill given to him by a Russian fisherman who had $10 he didn’t need
Can’t part with his first bong… hasn’t smoked in 3 years but keeps it
SIT AND SPIN
Jolene joined us today to ruin the mood. It’s nothing against HER, it’s just that she brought up the “Top 10 Musical Turn- Offs”.
OK bitches, I need to bail. Gotta do trivia on this fine evening.
Last month, a cop in Newark pulled over a drunk driver, but instead of giving him a ticket, he told him to get out of his truck, get sober and retrieve his truck later. Sounds like the cop was giving the guy a break, but no, the cop had OTHER things in mind, namely, stealing the truck, driving across town and ramming it into the car of his estranged wife. In California, a 69-year-old woman was arrested after she attempted to cut off her husband’s penis with a pair of scissors. He suffered some injuries, but his twig remains connected to his berries. ALSO in California, a woman found out that her EX- husband… a man she is NOT married to… was dating a woman, so she poured boiling water on him while he slept. When he jumped out of bed in pain, she had a baseball bat at the ready and proceeded to beat him in the head with it. And then there’s the 45- year- old man in Florida who STILL lives with his mother; how did he show his appreciation for her hospitality? He smashed over the head with a bottle of eggnog, beat her in the face, used a stun gun on her and then finished the assault by beating her with an oxygen tank… all for no particular reason. This brings us to today’s question: WHEN DID A LOVED ONE SURPRISE YOU WITH HOSTILITY OR VIOLENCE?
His girlfriend (wrongly) thought he was cheating, so she broke his nose with a metal bar
His girlfriend (also wrongly) believed he was cheating, so she poured gasoline on his d*ck and aimed a gun at him TWICE… then called the cops and accused him of beating her. He got three months in jail for the trouble
His father beat up a guy in a road rage incident… now THAT’S road rage
His grandmother had a reputation for stabbing men who ‘disrespected’ her… her nickname was Battle Axe. Oddly enough, MOST women’s nicknames are “Battle Axe”
When he was 10- years- old, he saw his grandmother beat up a drunk neighbor
Girlfriend found a picture of some chick on his phone… she came into the bathroom and punched him the face WHILE he was pooping. I don’t care how mad you are, if a man is pooping, let him finish
Sister stabbed him in the temple with a pencil… next time she wants to use the phone, let her use the phone, man.
His aunt Rosie dealt with some bullies for him… with a baseball bat
Wife woke him up with a gun to his head… a loaded gun. She didn’t know it was loaded, said she just wanted to scare him. It worked. He filed for divorce 6 weeks later. A woman he DIDN’T know accidentally sent him a ‘thank you’ text
Back in the day (as they say) his father apparently killed some bikers in Colorado
His ex- wife once jumped out of a car that was travelling 60 mph… this was on the way home after she’d tried to kill herself. Thing is, they weren’t married at that time, but he married her anyway… that’s why he shouldn’t have been too terribly surprised that she later stabbed him and chased him around the house with a meat cleaver
Alright bitches, I gotta go!
Until tomorrow, rock it, sock it and STAY BEAUTIFUL!”
Maybe you saw last night’s Seahawks- Eagles game, maybe you didn’t, but the ‘Hawks won 31- 14, and running back Marshawn Lynch had a lot to do with it. The man had 148 yards on 22 carries and two touchdowns. No doubt, Marshawn is the man… and he’s powered by Skittles. You see, when Marshawn was a kid, playing Pop Warner, his mother would reward him with Skittles every time he scored a touchdown. While it’s not his mother doing the dirty work, the tradition continues, and Marshawn is given Skittles after every touchdown. We’ve all got our thing. WHETHER IT WAS GROWING UP OR NOW, HOW WERE YOU REWARDED AND WAS IT WORTH IT?
OK, so most of the rewards from childhood, and generally, it was all the same stuff… allowances, trips to McDonalds, cash, etc. Nothing terribly exciting, but we did have one woman call who, basically, was rewarded every time she DIDN’T get her ass kicked. Her father was “a violent drunk”, and in addition to spanking her and her sisters with his hands, he would use a paddle, occasionally lock her in a closet and very often chase her and her sisters around the house with a loaded gun. WTF? Apparently this went on for 10 years… until her mother (who was also abused) got a divorce form this lunatic.
We also had 2 callers whose parents would give them weed (as kids) for doing chores. Sounds questionable… but I like it!
OK, tonight’s the Holiday Hangover Ball… if you have tickets, I’ll see you there, if you don’t, you’ll probably hear all about it on Monday. Need to get myself together and prepare for a night that, no doubt, will challenge even OUR drinking prowess. I think that’s what we like about it!
I’m out. Have a good weekend, bitches.
Until Monday, do what you do best and STAY BEAUTIFUL!”
So, there’s a video in China that has gone viral featuring a bitch woman on a crowded subway cursing at her boyfriend and repeating her position that “man without money is garbage”. That was only part of her diatribe. She went on to call him “useless” and a few other choice things in between profanities. Noticeably absent from her colorful rant was any declaration that she would earn her OWN money or take care of herself. Sound familiar? Again… WHY is prostitution illegal? On the somewhat opposite side of the spectrum, four broads from British Columbia are enjoying their budding celebrity based on their “virgin diaries”… an on-line blog. In a nutshell, they’re Evangelical Christians who believe that sex should only happen between married people… but their devout holiness hasn’t stopped them from whoring themselves out for a new TV show that will feature them dating prospective mates. They’re doing it in search of a husband (of course, of course) but those men must have “Jesus in their heart” to have a chance. SIGN ME UP! Ladies, we’re not without compassion for your shallowness, we also have a list of the 5 best and the 5 worst professions to look for a husband. We’re not here to bag on women all day, it’s just that men are open about their dirt- bag- a- tude. We want to get laid and be left alone. It’s that simple. Today, however, we asked everyone to be open and honest with our fill- in- the- blank: MY IDEAL MATE WOULD BRING ___________ TO THE TABLE.
So, from some website called The Stir (???) here’s the list of the best and the worst professions to look for a future husband:
We’ll start with the BEST:
1. AN ENGINEER: He’ll get paid well, and won’t have to work as many hours as a doctor or lawyer. And engineers are usually in pretty high demand.
2. A TEACHER: He won’t make much money, but he’ll be good with kids, have decent hours and get summer hours.
3. A COLLEGE PROFESSOR: He’ll come with basically the same perks as a teacher, but with more money and usually has more brains.
4. A FIREFIGHTER: Decent money and get to retire early with a good pension.
5. A PLUMBER: According to PayScale.com, plumbers make between 20 and 30 dollars an hour. Plus they can fix crap around the house.
And now the WORST:
1. AN ACCOUNTANT: They work long hours and there’s a solid chance they will grow to hate their job.
2. A PSYCHIATRIST: They tend to psychoanalyze everyone… including you.
3. A SURGEON: Because of malpractice insurance and student loans, they don’t make the money you think they do… and you couldn’t POSSIBLY deal with that
4. A LAWYER: The money is good, but lawyers are constantly working (on the golf course) and they’re constantly stressed out… which will eventually make YOU stressed out.
5. A PROFESSIONAL ATHLETE: they WILL cheat.
There you go.
OK, usually I share answers from today but we didn’t get “those” kinds of answers. Nevertheless, there was some very entertaining, and mildly painful calls.