So, you're 16- years- old and get caught painting graffiti on a school; what's your punishment? If you're Dennis Baltimore Jr of Long Beach, California, you wear a sandwich board that reads "I'm a juvenile delinquent who should be punished. I have wasted your tax money with dumb acts of vandalism in public schools." He's not alone, of course. A 7th grader in Florida (meaning he's anywhere from 12 to 19- years- old) who is the preverbal "class clown" had to wear a sign reading "Hey, I want to be a class clown. Is that wrong?" That's what it said on the front. The BACK of the sign added, "I'm in the 7th grade and got three F's. Blow your horn if there's something wrong with that." (Beep- beep) And an 8- year- old girl in Chicago had to wear a sign explaining, "I like to steal from others and lie about it", presumably because she likes to steal from others and lie about it. We all did dumb stuff that pissed our parents off when we were kids, so today we wanted to know: WHAT SIGN WOULD YOUR PARENTS HAVE MADE YOU WEAR BASED ON THE TIME YOU PISSED THEM OFF THE MOST?
Got a DUI at 14- years- old in his parents car... what do you put on that sign? "I'm already a drunk"?
Stole $600 from his baby- sitter. If you have $600 in cash, why baby- sit?
Got caught shoplifting matches... his father is a firefighter
At 14, broke into a construction site and drove a 3- ton excavator around... ended up clipping and bridge and rolling the thing into a ditch. He was smart enough to tell NO ONE
His parents would have made him wear a sign that read "I have anger issues!"
The sign: "I like to show my naked arse to old women at garage sales!" Do the math. On the bright side, his father actually found his posterior display funny
His mother found his Playboys back in the day and used them as placemats for dinner that night. I get the point, but that seems insanely unsanitary
Sign: "I got suspended from school for a year because I think getting stoned is more important than going to class"... well, DUH! Wait... what's that. Ah... I mean, that's terrible.
Sign: "I'm a sinning whore!" Not sure you'd want your KID standing on a street corner advertising her 'loose morals'. She's from a "super- Catholic" family, dated a guy for 3 years and eventually lost her virginity to him. Premarital sex = evil.
Sign: "I am horny."... ran up $700 in phone sex bills... again, not a sign you want your KID wearing at an intersection
Sign: "I like to take drugs in an effort to get laid". See, I like to take drugs because they're fun and I try to get laid because that's fun too. Don't need one for the other
Actually had to wear a sign that read "I like to pick fights"... got hit by a car while wearing it. The irony is that he'd picked a fight on a bus and had to walk to school... which is when he was hit.
That's my favorite one from today.
If you were at Elysian Fields Friday night for our 6- pack launch party, thank you, and I'm sure it was great seeing you, but I recall precious little... which, generally speaking, means I had a blast.
OK, I'm outta here, mi amigos.
Until tomorrow, dance, dance, dance and STAY BEAUTIFUL!"
So the first round of the NFL Draft went down last night in New York City. For the most part there were no real surprises (except maybe the Cowboys pick?) and things followed the same routine that they usually do, except for a little something Thee Ted Smith noticed; Commissioner Roger Goodell goes a little to BIG and a little too LONG on the man- hug. There's an unspoken way to go about the man- hug, and Goodell violates all tenets of it. That's the thing about people in social situations; you can't guarentee that everyone follows the same rules of engagement. Some people hug too long, talk too close, never pick up the tab, eat off of YOUR plate, throw out a three- part handshake, stay at your house too long, etc. Or maybe it's the things you put up with at home, whether it's a roommate or your significant other. If you're a guy and you're on the phone, how long does it take your woman to ask "who are you talking too?"... in spite of the fact that you're BUSY TALKING. Or how many of YOUR clothes does SHE wear when she's about to do something dirty? It's the stuff of social interaction. WHAT SOCIAL INTERACTION OR ROUTINE VIOLATION OF PERSOANL SPACE BUGS YOU THE MOST?
Away we go:
People who don't make eye contact when talking
Hate's the "dead fish" handshake
Hearing people chew food in the movie theatre
His (creepy) boss rests his hand on the small of his back every time he talks to him
His girlfriend is one of those annyoing people who won't shut up during a movie, always asking what did they say or what's going on, etc
His woman asks him "who texted you?" one billionth of a second after he gets the text... worry not, amigo, that's ALL women
Hates it when the people who hug him ALSO try to pick him up
People who show up to his house announced drive him crazy
Hates anyone who stands way too close to him when standing in line
Doesn't like it when people stand over him looking over his shoulder while he's working
Hates it when you go in for a handshake but you get the fist- bump instead
She hates when complete strangers rub her 7 months pregnant belly
MEN'S ROOM RED SIXERS
Tonight we desend on Elyssian Fields downtown to celebrate the official release of our beer, Men's Room Red in 6 packs. We're stoked about it. Very, very cool thing. Anyway, we're hoping to see you there. On that note, I'm outta here and on my way.
Until Monday, do what you do best and STAY BEAUTIFUL!"
So we've all heard and continue hearing about the Secret Service/ Columbian prostitute scandal. At last count, 16 Secret Service agents have lost their jobs as a result. As we've pointed out on this show innumerable times, this is what you'd call an 'election year' scandal because you know this type of stuff happens ALL the time. Well, earlier today, an official familiar with the Secret Service acknowledged that yea, people on the Federal payroll like them some hookers and always HAVE liked them some hooker magic. In other words, contrary to the manufactured 'disgust' of our nations fat- cats, this ain't the first time. Just last year in San Salvador, El Salvador (Saint Savior, The Savoir) some Secret Service agents were secretly serviced at a strip club... but not to worry, the club owner says he routinely "takes care of" high ranking U.S. Embassy employees, as well as agents from the FBI and the DEA. And, earlier today in Brazil, Defense Secretary Leon Panetta was blind- sided by a reporter's question about the 3 Marines and 1 Embassy official who threw a hooker out of an embassy vehicle last November. So now, because they screwed the pooch in Columbia, a whole bunch of federal agents are waiting for their number to be called. Hey fellas, if you're reading this, just apologize to your wife NOW, or prepare your denials. And then there was all this nonsense about the New Orleans Saints and their 'bounty system'... essentially, monetary motivation to injure opposing players. Like federal agents getting smooth- up in 'paid entertainment', money incentives to f**k up opposing players is neither new nor uncommon. That's why the person who tipped the commissioner off was labeled a 'rat', not a whistle- blower. According to the NFL Network's Warren Sapp, Jeremy Shockey was that rat. Turns out that Jeremy Shockey is NOT the rat, and now he's suing the intellectually- challenged Warren Sapp for dragging his ass into the scandal. That's how it goes sometimes. You may or may not have anything to do with the latest drama or gossip, but that doesn't prevent you from being involved. That's today's question: WHETHER IT HAD ANYTHING TO DO WITH YOU OR NOT, WHAT IS THE BIGGEST SCANDAL OR THE MOST DRAMA YOU'VE EVER BEEN A PART OF?
He was accused of murder... apparently he was talking smack about a murder victim (one of the single, classiest things you could do) and everyone assumed that he was the killer
Was involved in a love triangle involving 2 women
Took the fall for her (drunk) younger brother when he crashed his car... he'd had his license for less than 6 months, so she spared him the trouble and took the hit
He never lied about his friend's affair, but he never told anyone about it either... his wife was pissed because he never shared his friend's business until after the friend's relationship ended
His friend was hitting on some broad at a bar, but she rejected his advances... in response, his friend hopped in his monster truck and drove over the woman’s BMW, crushing it completely... somehow, it was rumored that he, not his friend did it
He's a home nurse at an old folks home... he was accused of stealing drugs like Vicodin and morphine... was even investigated by the state. He hadn't done it
She tried to get back pay from a former job and was prosecuted for embezzlement instead... she wasn't guilty, but she took a plea for 2nd degree robbery... it should be noted that the "company" she was working for was a "non- profit" Catholic charity. Dirty, dirty, dirty, dirty, DIRTY organization. Unreal.
If you're one of the countless women out there who find Tim Tebow just "dreamy", I have great news; you could make a MILLION DOLLARS by f**king him. The catch is, you have to be the FIRST woman to introduce Double T to the pleasures of the flesh. Seriously. It's not Tim offering the cash, it's the website ashleymadison.com that's offering to pay $1,000,000 to the first woman to sleep with Tebow. Here's the thing, ashleymadison is SO confident that Tebow will lose his virginity this season (being in NYC) that the offer runs out at the end of the season. That's right; the secrets of Tim Tebow's sex life are worth $1,000,000 to the folks at ashleymadison. What a country! Keep in mind (former?) NBC executive Dick Ebersol $50,000 to find out who Carly Simon was talking about in the song "You're So Vain" and a lot of people would blow a million dollars to find out the Colone's 11 Original Herbs and Spices. Today's question: WHAT QUESTION WOULD YOU WANT ANSWERED IF YOU HAD A MILLION BUCKS TO FIND OUT?
Why do Axl Rose and Slash hate each other so much? He offered his theory: they 'crossed swords' during a three- way. Possible
Why do all of the Asian women in Seattle run everywhere?
Was James Dean's car cursed... no... but she saw a show on TV that posed that very reasonable question
Who was really behind the assassination of JFK? We know who shot him, but who hired him?
Did her friend's husband cheat on her. Apparently he "almost" had an affair, but didn't. The wife believes him, but the caller doesn't
Did Lance Armstrong used performance enhancing drugs... gonna go out on a limb and say 'yes'
Why does traffic back up every day on I-5... think it has something to do with ALL THE CARS ON IT!
What is in Area 51? I get the feeling that no matter what we think is there, we're wrong
Wants to know if rich people have an escape route for December 21st, 2012, as in the Mayan "prediction" that the world will end. It should be noted that the Mayans never predicted that the world will end.
This is weird, but she wants to know who her late husband was. The whole time they were married he lived under an assumed name. 20 years. She still has no idea who he was
And finally, a guy would pay a million bucks to find out what WAS Willis talking about.
OK bitches, time for me to fade into the night.
Until tomorrow, only one finger at a time and STAY BEAUTIFUL!"
This should come as no surprise, but the Las Vegas restaurant Heart Attack Grill MAY have claimed its second victim. You might remember back in February when a guy had, well, a heart attack, while eating a quadruple bypass burger... now, this past Saturday, a woman in her 40's collapsed while eating a double bacon cheese burger. At least the Heart Attack Grill lives up to its name. If YOU'RE interested in having a heart attack from food (and, come on, who isn't?) head to the Middle East and grab a table at your local Pizza Hut, where they just introduced the Crown Crust Carnival pizza... which has a customized crust that can be filled with either cheeseburgers OR chicken fillets, while there's still a normal pizza in the middle. This comes on the heels of Pizza Hut's recently announced HOT DOG filled crust in England. Yep. It's no secret that guzzling soda all day everyday isn't good for you, but that didn't stop New Zealand's Natasha Harris from sucking down 2 and a half gallons of Coca- Cola A DAY. You know what DID stop her? Dying as a result of sucking down 2 and a half gallons of coca- Cola a day. She was 30- years- old. I'm just hoping she died happy. After all, isn't that the point of eating foods you like? Sure, it might be unhealthy and all that, but some sh*t is simply delicious. I KNOW IT'S BAD FOR ME, BUT I DON'T THINK I'LL EVER STOP EATING _______________.
My answer is simple: everything I already eat. I don't have the worst diet; not a big soda drinker or chip eater, etc, but I don't have the healthiest diet either. In the end, I really don't care. As it is, the only people I know who 'eat healthy' are doing so to LOOK good. Sure, there's a benefit to doing so, but there intentions rank up there with breast implants and colored contact lenses... there's no substance to it. They just want to feel 'attractive', and there's nothing wrong with that, but I'd rather enjoy my meals. That's just me.
As for you:
Sweet Tarts... eats 5 rolls a day
All of his Polish foods which, apparently, involves a lot eggs and onions... both of which make him fart like, well, me
Red meat... based on the calories he's collected with his copious beer consumption, he needs to cut back on the red meat
Thanks to the folks at Geekosystem (whom I've never heard of either) we have the list you've all been waiting for; "How Much Your Body Parts are Worth on the Black Market". A pair of eyeballs is $1500, or $750 each, while a SCALP is worth only $607. Meanwhile, in India, a kidney is worth $15,000 while here in the states, that same kidney will fetch $262,000. Keep in mind, there are about 80,000 people on the waiting list alone in America. Good kidneys are at a premium here. In fact, we have a story of a woman in Long Island who was gracious enough to donate a healthy kidney to her boss and save her life. However, the reason it's a 'story' is because after a successful transplant, the boss turned around and fired the woman. "Thanks for the kidney, now get out of my office!" Classy. Not everything in or out of our body is perfect... even in Hollywood, where they PAY for such things. Us Weekly released their list of "10 Famous Women with Supposedly Lopsided Boobs". How Megan Fox made the list, I'll never know. It's not that I'm defending Ms. Fox, it's just that her (.)(.)'s aren't big enough to qualify. Just sayin'. Some people have lopsided boobs, lopsided ears, lazy eyes, 6 toes, 3 nipples, etc, etc. Inside of your body or outside of your body, we wanted to know: WHAT IS IT ABOUT YOU THAT ISN'T EXACTLY NORMAL?
I recently discovered that have a tumor in my carotid artery. The carotid artery, as I understand it, is, basically, your saliva gland. Anyway, found out I have a tumor in it, but relax, a tumor is just a foreign growth, not necessarily cancer. So, it's not supposed to be there, and that is why next week I'll be going under the knife to have it removed. On the bright side, that's pretty much the only abnormality I can claim... physically, anyway. Everyone thinks I'm weird, but then, I think everyone else is weird, so it all works out.
As for you:
Says he has a 'small heart' for the size of his body... thing is, he's 6 feet 7 inches tall, so...
She has lopsided boobs (.)(.)'s and slanted shoulders, which might explain her lopsided boobs
As much as I didn't want to know this, he confessed to having "gigantic nipples"
He has three testicles... well, we're ASSUMING it was a 'he'
Has a big, big, big, BIG head
Has a split stream of urine all the time
Broke both of his big toes when he was a little kid
Has really looooooong fingers... E.T. like... he's 5 feet 11 inches and his middle finger is 4 and a half inches long
Has long fangs... FANGS, bitches
Every time he blinks, his right nostril flares... WTF?
I don't understand how this is possible, but he has 12 spleen (seriously, man?), messed up intestines and a bad pancreas
He has 3 kidneys... we call him an 'anatomical hoarder'... actually we don't, but I like the name
Has been legally blind since 4th grade... I could write something really insulting because they can't read it!
Can put his tongue up his nose... FROM THE INSIDE. Says it's good to get random food out of there, like when you get a piece of rice stuck up there. Is it just me or is that really f**king gross?
So, my birthday was March 22nd, and the gift I chose to get for myself was a back piece tattoo. Started in February and finished it up yesterday at Cicada Tattoo www.cicadatattoo.com under the artistic guidance of Brian Cachel... pronounced in 'cockel', I've brought it up a few times and every time I do, people start harassing me for pictures... which makes sense. Anyway, here are the pictures of the first session (outline), the second session (shading) and the third and final session from yesterday (the color). There you go. Maybe you like it, maybe you don't, but it doesn't matter to me.
OK bitches, I'm outta here!
Until tomorrow, smile like you're guilty and STAY BEAUTIFUL!"
We've all heard about the Secret Service agents caught up in the Columbia prostitute scandal, but if not, here's the story in a nutshell; a group of Secret service agents went to Columbia in advance of President Obama. They hired a bunch of hookers and had sex. Unfortunately, they tried to UNDERpay one of them, which turned into an argument, which turned into led to police involvement, which, inevitably, led to 11 agents being demoted and 3 of them being fired. One night of sex and this was the fallout. Then again, Simon Cowell had a one night stand in October, but he made the mistake of bringing the broad to his house. He woke up the next morning and realized that she'd stolen his "cash stuffed" wallet and a computer containing "X- Factor" secrets. Yea, she scammed him. Police managed to track the woman down and Cowell got everything back... except the cash. And earlier this week, an Australian woman found that she COULD collect workman's comp after being hit in the face by a glass light that fell from the ceiling. Thing is, she was having a one night stand in a motel on a BUSINESS trip; hence, the workman's comp. Gotta love it. Those are THEIR stories, but today we wanted to hears yours: GOOD OR BAD, WHAT IS YOUR BEST ONE NIGHT STAND STORY?
In Alaska, in a rental van on a dirt road. Romance, bitches, ro- mance
Brought a guy home when she was drunk... had to puke so she ran to the bathroom. When she returned, he was in her kitchen naked, trying to open a can of Spaghetti- O's with a hunting knife. She freaked and kicked him out. The Aristocrats
Hooked up with a random hottie on a boat... all was going well until he backed into the hot grill she'd been cooking steaks on and burned her ass bad enough that he had to take her to the hospital... hot piece of ass!
Found out LATER that his one night stand was his supervisor
Hooked up with some dude in the bed of her truck, then hooked up with him at her place, Woke up the next day and realized she was covered in hickies (earning the nickname "the purple necklace"... seriously) and she got strep a few days later. Says it was "totally worth it"
Bent a chick over a sink in a public bathroom... multiple people saw them, and most likely appreciated it
Got blackout drunk and brought some random guy home. A few months later her sister comes home with her new boyfriend and, as you've already guessed, it was the one night stand. What makes this so much better is that her sister MARRIED the guy, so she's slept with her brother- in- law. Awkward
Brought a guy home, the guy sucked in bed and stayed until 5 pm the NEXT DAY
Had sex with a cheerleader for NFL Cheerleader
In Mazatlan he had sex with a hot chick that led to him becoming a legend for a few weeks
Says she's "not that kind of girl", which, of course, is code for "I'm that kind of girl"... anyway, she had sex with a guy on an elevator on the way up to her apartment, where they went their separate ways so she could sleep with the guy waiting for her in her apartment
Met a guy on a gay dating site. Had a great time until the guy's WIFE showed up! Freaked him out so bad he ran naked to his car and left
Went on a blind date... to a SWINGER'S CLUB
OK, bitches, the weekend is upon us and I'm ready to get it cracka- lackin'.
Until Monday, do what you do best and STAY BEAUTIFUL!"
The folks at www.buzzfeed.com came up with a list of "The 21 Absolute Worst Things in the World". We're not talking about plague, war, famine or genocide, we're talking about stuff like having a 3- prong cord but only a 2- prong outlet at your disposal, or pouring a bowl of cereal only to discover that you have only a teaspoon of milk left, or the fitted sheet popping off of the corner of your mattress. Yea, we're talking about run- of- the- mill, garden variety annoyances that you can routinely anticipate, but get really pissed off every time it happens anyway. If you're a driver, as most of you are, you know exactly what I'm talking about. You KNOW that people are going to drive slowly in the left lane, you KNOW people have an unwillingness or inability to use their blinker... in fact, everyday rush-hour is the same old- same old but you endure it anyway. If it makes you feel any better, Seattle just earned the distinction of having the worst drivers in the country. Congratulations. On the other hand, that makes you part of the problem, not the exception. So, from bad drivers, to computer slide shows, to Super Bowl halftime entertainment, we wanted to know: WHAT DAY TO DAY ANNOYANCE IS JUST THE WORST?
Knots in my shoe laces... drives me crazy... but mostly because I can't get them out
Away we go:
"Food stamp" people with nice cars... also known as 'scam artists' or people with a terrible sense of priorities
The 'credit or debit' button on gas pumps
Drives for Fed/Ex... hates that people can't figure out how to sign the electronic scanner
Like 'Mommy Dearest', he hates wire hangers... leaves weird marks on his clothes
Leaving doors and drawers open... closets, cabinets, etc... amen... drives me crazy too
People who pick someone up late at night or early in the morning and honk the car horn to announce their presence to EVERYONE instead of getting out of the car and knocking on the door of the only person likely to care
This is a work thing, but he hates people who cook their food for 1 minutes and 54 seconds, in spite of having set the microwave for 2 minutes... what bugs him is that they leave the 6 seconds on the microwave instead of clearing it out
Blinds... not people, but the window coverings... his problem is his admitted inability to use them.
Hates when his wife asks him "what are you thinking about?" EVERY DAY! Just tell her you're thinking about another woman
Listening to people on their cell phones in public
Everyone believing that calling his Great Dane "a horse" is original or funny
"Reply all"... bane of my existence here at work. I do pretty well ignoring inner- office emails (because, truthfully, I don't care) but people feel the need to respond with a 'reply all' to everything. I know people think they're witty and oh- so- hilarious, but generally, they're neither and I end up with an inbox full of mediocre jokes and one- liners. I've been very, very, very tempted to 'reply all' with STFU! But I haven't.
An empty ice cube tray in the freezer
Hates when they have to take a sh*t right after taking a shower
He hosted "American Bandstand" from 1957 to 1989, hosted "New Year's Rockin' Eve" from 1972 to 2004, hosted the "$25,000 Pyramid", "TV's Bloopers and Practical Jokes", plus countless TV specials and this morning, at age 82, Dick Clark died of a massive heart attack... and being alive for the previous 82 years. You knew the guy had to die sometime... that's what people do... but up until his stroke in 2004, the mighty Dick seemed incapable of aging. Pretty much every generation is familiar with Clark, even if you're young and only know him as the creepy old guy on New Year's Eve. Whatever the case, you probably know who the guy was and unless you haven't grown up yet, you grew up with him. Some would call him the voice of a generation... I'm not one of those people, but those people are out there. At any rate, all of us grew attached to someone in our childhood, and in some cases, we STILL like them as adults and that is today's question: EXCLUDING FAMILY, WHO FROM YOUR CHILDHOOD, ALSO MEANS SOMETHING TO YOU AS AN ADULT?
Here are some of the people you can't quit... and yes, that was a 'Brokeback Mountain' reference:
Ken Griffey Jr
Sesame Street and The Muppets... loved both... think I still do
Harrison Ford... Han Solo, Indiana Jones, Jack Ryan. Yea, I loved HF when I was growing up. Still like him now because he hates doing interviews. Don't know why that makes me happy, but it does.
Edgar Martinez... has a whole street named after him... him and MLK Jr.
JP Patches... says he'll cry when JP dies. Might wanna buy some tissues in the near future
Bob Barker... loves animals and young women; a winning combination
Mike Tyson... arguably the greatest boxer ever. Debate amongst yourselves
Bob Ross... the man who could paint clouds faster than anyone and his soft, quiet voice somehow SCREAMED "I love the weed!"
Pee Wee Herman... the only man to shock people by masturbating at an adult movie theater. What do people think other people are doing at an adult movie house?
"Weird" Al Yankovich... musical genius
The Bay City Rollers... I remember them, but I can't believe they still have an impact on anyone
Hulk Hogan... always loved him and his bald spot
Ricky martin... seriously
The Simpsons... still can't believe how long that show has been on the air
OK bitches, that's what I've got for today.
Until tomorrow, generals gather at their masses, so STAY BEAUTIFUL!"
So, after winning college football's BCS title game, the winning team is presented with the $30,000 Waterford Crystal 'Coaches Trophy'. In this case, it went to coach Nick Saban and the University of Alabama Crimson Tide's football team. Well, the father of a current 'Tide player tripped over the rug under the trophy display, and the BCS Trophy smashed into teeny- tiny, itty- bitty pieces. Awkward. A few years ago, a woman at the Metropolitan Museum of Art in New York accidentally fell into a Picasso painting... ripping one of the corners of it. And there was 'shot of the day' from last month that involved a German photographer who was part of the media covering the debut of a 17- day- old earless bunny that had captured the hearts of Germany. He took one step and accidentally crushed the little bunny under his foot... killing it. Like I said earlier, awkward. We've all accidentally f**ked something up, so today we wanted to know: WHAT DID YOU UNINTENTIONALLY DAMAGE OR DESTROY?
Stepped on a KITTEN that was sleeping on the stairs... killed it... in front of his then 8- year- old daughter. That was 7 years ago and his daughter won't let it go.
The emergency brake slipped on his truck... ended up smashing into his buddy's garage
Tried to 'pop' his buddies beer bottle, you know, when you smash the bottom of your bottle on the top of someone else's so that it foams and overflows... knocked the bottle out of his buddy's hand and ended up breaking a glass table
Broke his dead grandfather's pocket knife
Tried to trip his friend back in junior high school... ended up tripping the Korean kid with POLIO... kid messed up his legs and back really bad... and still had polio
Demolished the propeller on a new speed boat... he was 15, and his father was 'teaching' him to steer the boat in reverse... his father failed
Wrecked his parent's car... twice... in ONE day
Set off fireworks and lit his neighbor's roof on fire
Burned down a field behind his house... and the pine trees... that were planted by his grandfather years ago
At WSU, he almost collapsed the training bubble that the track & field guys used to train under
wrecked both of his friend's parent's cars... in one night
Changed her oil, but she replaced it with transmission fluid... turns out that it works exactly as well as you'd think... which is not well at all
If you didn't hear, tornadoes have been tearing through Middle America (where the Hobbits live?), a.k.a., the "Bible Belt"... which holds a fair degree of irony if you recognize Pat Robertson's general explanation for why natural disasters happen when and where they do. Anyway, as of today, the death toll in one small town in Oklahoma alone is 6. Dozens of tornadoes wreaked havoc across 10 states as the result of one 'super storm'. The one thing about tornadoes is how quick people are to help each other in the aftermath. It's a shame that it takes a destructive vortex dropping out of the sky to actually get people to acknowledge each other, but there's something comforting in the fact that when the sh*t hits the fan, people can be downright heroic. Speaking of which, a 15- year- old girl from Chicago saw a fire spreading at a horse stable, and after rescuing her horse, she ran in about 12 MORE TIMES and rescued 25 MORE HORSES! The bad news is, there were about 40 horses total, but she did some good. She got knocked down, stepped on and kicked in the shoulder, but while everyone else watched, she did something about it. Imagine that! We know this is a "record it on your cell- phone" type of society, but every- so- often, you put down your iPhone and get proactive. That's what we wanted to hear about today: WHEN DID YOU HAVE TO SPRING INTO ACTION?
Caught a guy who had been breaking into cars in the neighborhood... tracked him down through the snow and kicked his ass
Someone once sat on a kitten by accident, and wouldn't you know it, the cat- whisperer here brought it back to life... don't know how
Prevented his friend from going home with a tranny... admits that, in retrospect, he wishes he hadn't
Her dad collapsed from a heart attack... she went to his aid, but she didn't know CPR and her father died. She says she's just glad that her father didn't die alone
He and a group of friends prevented a drunken buddy from taking a sh*t onto his DVD shelf... then prevented him again from taking a sh*t in a trash can
A car crashed into his yard when he was 13... he extinguished the fire while his buddy pulled the driver from the car, saving her life
Saved his sister from drowning in a friend's pool... he was 9, she was 4
Provided CPR and mouth to mouth to a guy who collapsed at a heart attack at Denny's... it didn't work, the guy died
Saved a woman from drowning in a riptide in Puerto Rico... had to paddle his surfboard out to her and pluck her from the water
Some dude broke into his apartment one night... what the would- be burglar didn't know was that everyone who lived there was an Army Ranger. Bad things happened to the would- be burglar
Saw a car flip over 9 times... pulled the drive out and saved her life
Let me be the 1000th person to remind you that today is the dreaded Friday the 13th. Some of you buy into it, some of you don't, but today is the day. We have a list of 13 facts about Friday the 13th but the fact that I find the most interesting about Friday the 13th is that no one knows exactly WHY it's supposed be such a bad day, so basically, you freak out about Friday the 13th because someone told you that you should. Shame. On that note, the folks at Entertainment Weekly just debunked 10 Hollywood legends; Marilyn Manson was NOT Paul on 'The Wonder Years', there IS no scene in 'The Wizard of Oz' where you can see a Munchkin hanging himself in the background and Walt Disney is not cryogenically frozen... quite the opposite... he was cremated. We've all heard this crap, but none of it's true. Nevertheless, the truth seldom has any sway on public opinion (pay attention to politics much? It's built around this premise) and most of us had the misfortune of having an untruth spread about us that we have to defend, and that's today's question: WHAT UNTRUTH HAS BEEN SPREAD ABOUT YOU?
His classmates thought he was on heroin... he was just a pot head. I'm guessing he's extremely ugly too. Just sayin', if people believe you're on heroin, you must look like sh*t
He was dealing and using drugs, but he cleaned himself up and headed to Vegas to help others beat their addiction... thing is, his drug using friends didn't know what his deal was, so they thought he went to Vegas to party out of his mind, which is reasonable... but when he got back to Washington, people had started spreading stories that he was doing multiple lines of coke with multiple hookers and all kinds of insane stuff. None of it was true... he'd cleaned up and did good, but no one believed him
Some his co- workers were convinced that HE was Phoenix Jones
When he broke up with his girlfriend of 7 years, she started spreading rumors that he'd hijacked her credit and beat her
In high school, everyone thought she was a lesbian
A co- worker spread a rumor that he was having an affair with another woman in the office. Worse, he worked there with his wife
People thought he hated Asians... he was in the Army at the time
Rumors; he was a drug dealer, then a drug addict, that he was gay, that he had one testicle and then he had no testicles... all true
In middle school, there was a rumor that he could suck his own d**k
People STILL believe that he has STD's, as in multiple
Everyone thought he was responsible for hitting Klaus Main (lead singer of the Scorpions) in the face with a shoe in 1985
So we descended into a side topic about farting and blaming other people or getting blamed for other people's, and immediately we referenced the old- school sayings people used to say; "he who smelt it dealt it" and "he who denied it supplied it". We thought that covered the entirety of the little kids sayings regarding farts, and we were wrong. Thanks to e-mails and texts, here are a few more for your enjoyment:
"He who refuted it, tooted it"
"You blame it, you claim it"
"Whoever's at ease, squeezed the cheese"
"Whoever heard it, turded it"
"Whoever said the rhyme did the crime"
"He who said he didn't let one, pushed out the dirty wet one"
And my personal favorite: "He who articulated it, particulated it"
So, I'm not what you'd call an art collector, but there's a local artist by the name of Casey Brookbush and he had some stuff hanging at Naked City (on Greenwood... awesome place) so I bought, what I believe to be, a f**king awesome painting of the Beatles. Anyway, all of his art was rock icons and all of it was bad ass, so as I went to pick up my painting last night, he gave KISW (via me) a really cool, Gibson Guitar commissioned painting of Angus Young. It's already hanging on the wall. So here are the pix of my Beatles painting and of KISW's latest addition, of Angus.
So fellas, if it seems like the woman... or women... in your life spend a ridiculous amount of money specifically on their mossy cottage, it's because they do. Let's face it, YOU spend way more money on it than she ever will (think Valentine's Day) but the average woman spends $2500 a year for her vaginal upkeep. This includes stuff like a PAP smear, birth control, grooming, etc, and I wanna be clear, this is not a complaint... we appreciate the effort... but that thing between your legs is pricey. According to the New York Times, women are about to get company from men who are uncomfortable with being men. Seems that male bikini waxes are "exploding" in popularity. Not just bikini waxes, but all KINDS of downstairs decorations... including pe- jazzling, which is exactly what... and as stupid as... you think it is. And it's not cheap. You know what else ain't cheap? Kids! Aside from how much money you spend on your darling crotch fruit, it's time. I don't mean the good times, like playing with them or having conversations over dinner, I mean the time you spend driving them around. According to a recent survey, the average parent spends about 50 a month driving their kids to kid- related events. It's called maintenance, bitches, and that's today's question: OTHER THAN YOUR SIGNIFICANT OTHER, WHAT IN YOUR LIFE COST THE MOST TO MAINTAIN OR UPKEEP?
For me this is easy; family. Wife and kid. 'Nuff said. As a result, I also spend a lot of money on beer. It's the circle of life.
As for you:
His hydroplane equals 20% of his salary... and about the other 26% goes to taxes
His wardrobe... because he, in his words, "must stay fly"
His tube amplifiers (which sound f**king awesome, but they suck to upkeep) and his twin children
His 2700 sq ft. and 2 and a half acres... and his son's sports pursuits... and his daughter's dance pursuits
His World of Warcraft account... $15 a month for the game, $80 a month on hi- speed internet and 4 to 5 hours a night playing
His pussy... CAT
Says her special place costs her about 3 to 5 thousand dollars a year... it's worth every penny
His airplane cost him the most... on the bright side, he afford to own and maintain an airplane
Spends most of his money on booze because he has a drinking problem... I like to drink, and I do it a LOT, but it's not putting me in the red... just poisoning my liver
Taxes... he's a small business owner, so while Google, Pepsi and a handful of other multi- BILLION dollar corporations skate on paying income taxes, people like himself are shouldering the load. Ah, the wisdom of the Fed would be amusing if it weren't so unnervingly stupid
OK, I've gotta head to Naked City to pick up a piece of art I bought. Granted, it's a huge painting of the Beatles, but I dig it, and my wife didn't protest.
OK bitches, until tomorrow, wiggle like a worm and STAY BEAUTIFUL!"
Jim Belushi was caught with a joint at the Martha's Vineyard Airport last week... Friday, to be exact. Fearing the worst, he offered up his medical marijuana card... because he suffers from having a medical marijuana card hook- up... but they aren't valid in Massachusetts. The good news for Jimbo is that in Massachusetts, possession of an ounce or less isn't a criminal offense, so the authorities just confiscated the joint. A 23- year- old guy in Philadelphia wasn't so lucky. He was pulled over by the cops for something random, but the cops became suspicious of the unusually large bulge in his pants. Turns out that this guy had tied 26 bags of heroin to his junk... and 41 bags of cocaine ALSO tied to his junk. He's facing all manner of charges. Or you could be 40- year- old Yasir Mahmood. He was busted for stealing people's credit card numbers and a few other things, but it's some of the things he chose to purchase that has people scratching their heads. Yea. Everyone has been caught with something or doing something, and as an adult, the ramifications can lead to jail, unemployment, divorce, whatever. Today we wanted to know: AS AN ADULT, WHAT WERE YOU CAUGHT DOING AND WHERE YOU CAUGHT?
Away we go:
Caught by the cops with a woman he was having an affair with
Co-worker caught him smoking weed... 3 days later his boss drug tested him
Had a lunchbox full of weed... parents found it and freaked out, but not because it was weed, but because it was medicinal, prescribed for her TERMINAL illness. She hadn't told her parents that she was sick. Can't remember the name of the disease, but the doctor's call it "MS's ugly twin brother". The reason that's so disheartening is because that implies that MS is the GOOD looking version of it
His buddy had cut a hole into a stuffed animal and filled it with a condom and lube... imagine his embarrassment when his friends showed up unexpectedly
Caught by his shop foreman having sex with the bosses daughter after hours... bribed the guy to stay quiet with a half gallon of tequila
Her 10- year- old son stumbled upon her BOX of sex toys... a BOX, bitches
Got a DUI a few days BEFORE his 21st birthday
Having sex in the Fred Myer parking lot when she was 26
Got caught with 98 POUNDS of weed by the DEA at a hotel... he was just the driver, but the guy he was driving for was unknowingly part of a months- long sting. Only got two years
Got caught with a meth lab in Kennewick, Washington, where they frown on that type of thing
Crap... gotta run, bitches!
Until tomorrow, party like it's every day and STAY BEAUTIFUL!"
The geniuses at Cracked. com have done the research and created a list titled "6 Supposedly Fun Activates Nobody Actually Enjoys". The first thing I saw on their list was 'parades'. If there's a more dull 'activity', I don't know what it is. Seriously... watching people walk down the street is not my idea of fun. I'm still amazed every Thanksgiving when people watch the Macy's Parade on TV. WTF? If you're married and have kids, there are all types of agonizingly boring things you get dragged into, but your wife will try to put a positive spin on it by declaring it a "family activity". That doesn't make 'Barney on Ice' enjoyable, it makes it MANDATORY. It doesn't make Chuck E. Cheese fun, it makes it an obligation. There are things that everyone seems to enjoy or find fun that you just plain hate. Maybe you don't like going to concerts or movies or maybe you never laugh at comedies. Today we wanted to know: WHAT ENJOYABLE ACTIVITY DO YOU JUST NOT FIND 'ENJOYABLE'?
One thing Miles and I just don't enjoy much are strip clubs. There's nothing wrong with them and in theory they make complete sense, but we just don't enjoy them. Well, it's not that we 'enjoy' them, I just hate spending $10 for sh*tty beer and wasting money on women who I'm not gonna sleep with. That's pretty much are take.
As for you:
Just doesn't like camping... he likes hiking, but not camping. I get where he's coming from, but if I'm gonna hike, I'd prefer to camp. Plus, when I'm camping, I'm guaranteed a night a peace... assuming there are no bears or serial killers
Kid's dance recitals... I'm a few years away from having this particular experience, but I'm already well aware that it will suck. Sure, you love your kid, but some things don't have the possibility of being cool, and this is one of those things. The sad part is, I'll be at each and every one should it come to pass. I hope my daughter doesn't wanna dance!
Sex with more than one woman at a time... he's done it twice and says it's not AS cool as you fantasize about, but it's cool enough that he'll do it again if he gets the chance
The Tulip Festival... agreed. I know it's a huge deal, but I don't know why. Sounds like a trip to Hell to me; a very pretty hell, but hell nonetheless
Dancing... he'll slow dance (because it ups your chance of gettin ass), but otherwise, no. Right there with you.
"Fake sports", like bowling, fishing and hunting. He's not saying he doesn't like watching them on TV (who the f**k does?!?) but participating in said 'fake sports'. I enjoy 2 of the 3 specifically because I'm not very good at them. The better you are, the more serious you take things, so I always enjoy things I suck at... and these meet that qualification
Horror movies... says they're corny and never actually scary. I have to agree. Maybe I'm getting old (which, I AM) but it seems like 'horror' movies are now just goofy 'slasher' flicks
Fireworks displays... says that without drugs, they're not that exciting
Anything in cold weather... skiing, snowboarding, etc. I hate the cold weather in general, so if I HAVE to endure, I'd prefer to go skiing, snowboarding, etc
Smoking weed... I can't relate
Family reunions... too much drama, etc. Besides, even though you might love your family, it doesn't mean you really like all of them
SIT AND SPIN
As she does every Tuesday, Jolene graced us with her presence... and made the studio smell better... with another edition of Sit and Spin. Today we covered the least rock and roll version of the segment ever... The Top 10 Boy Bands of all Time. Actually, it's not as bad as you're already thinking. It's not great, but I'm just sayin'.
OK bitches, it's trivia night so I've gotta hit the road.
Until tomorrow, smoke 'em if you got 'em and STAY BEAUTIFUL!"
Whether you like the Beatles or not, you can't deny their influence. Well, you could, but no one would take you seriously. Their influence is still felt today, and despite the best efforts of Oasis, the musical alchemy of the Beatles hasn't been recreated. But now there are rumors swirling around that a genetic replacement for the Fab- 4 may be in the works. In a recent interview with the BBC, James McCartney, son of Paul, said he'd like to get a band together with other Beatles offspring. That's right, the sons of Paul, John, George and Ringo are all musicians in their own right and, apparently, are open to the idea. Personally, I think it's a terrible idea, but it's an idea, nevertheless. Some people actually WANT to follow in their parents footsteps. We know celebrity kids are all about it, but even some of us normal folks want to do what daddy did. I'm not one of those people, but they're out there. It's not always about their job... sometimes it was just their personality, their social position, their importance to the family or a hobby they pursued. Today we wanted to know: DON'T EVER TELL THEM I TOLD YOU THIS, BUT MY PARENTS WERE ACTUALLY PRETTY GOOD AT ___________.
I can safely say that I would never want to do what my father did for a living, as his job involved things like math, but there are a bunch of cowboy- related attributes the man has that we only hear about on rare occasions. Turns out, the man can ride a horse like no one's business (didn't know) and can shoot small targets from ridiculous distances (which I've seen on occasion) and he can quilt. QUILT! Two outta three aint bad.
So we know celebrity kids love to follow their parent's lead. Here's a small sample:
Gwyneth Paltrow... daughter of actress Blythe Danner and movie producer Bruce Paltrow... doesn't matter, but when you have to hear her pretentious ass go on about how hard she worked to get to where she is, you wonder if she would have the stomach to work as hard as the people who got a gig in Hollywood without the nepotism
Willow and Jaden Smith... again, who cares, but when Will Smith commented that Willow "worked very hard" to get her music career going, you ask yourself who he's trying to convince of that. I know HE worked hard for what he has, but...
Sophia Coppola... nice to have Francis Ford as a relative
Nicholas Cage... nice to have Francis Ford as a relative
Michael Douglas... son of Kirk
Kiefer Sutherland... son of Donald
Donald Trump... for all the sh*t this moron talks, it should noted that he inherited his business from his father. He likes to leave that part out of his showboating
Miley Cyrus... Billy Ray Cyrus
George Clooney... Rosemary Clooney
Angelina Jolie... Jon Voight
Sean Astin... Patty Duke
Colin Hanks... Tom Hanks
Eva Amurri... Susan Sarandon
Liza Minelli... Judy Garland
Jeff and Beau Bridges... Lloyd Bridges
Bryce Dallas Clark... Ron Howard
Hard working folks right there. Well, that's not a completely fair statement, I guess, but I think we can all agree that it must be nice to have an "in" to a life of millions of dollars and adulation. I'll let you think about that. Yeeeaaaaa.
There's a guy in Billings, Montana by the name of Floyd Creekmore. He's 95- years- old and he recently earned the title of "world's oldest clown". In spite of having had a stroke, a crooked face and a shaky hand, Floyd still dresses up as "Creeky the Clown" when the circus comes to town. If you're like most people, and you already think clowns are cReEpY, IMAGINE A 95- year- old one with a crooked face, thus; crooked make- up (they point this out in the article... I'm not just being a douche... not JUST being a douche), and shaky hands. This is the stuff of nightmare's, but Floyd is under the delusion that he's, somehow, 'entertaining' children. Floyd, you're 95 man, hang it up. The there's Emerald City Comic- Con, an annual celebration of all things geek. I think it's great; provides exposure for artists and directors, etc, but the idea of adults dressing up as their childhood heroes is a bit odd to me. Then again, if you were to ask our respective wives/ girlfriends, the idea of tonight's Alco- Hall- O- Fame (Go Wildcats... inside joke... don't ask) is as immature as it gets. We've all been asked, 'why do you have to celebrate alcohol? What are you, 9- years- old?" Don't be silly... 9- year- olds don't drink. Besides, it's fun. Isn't that why anybody does anything that they have no business doing? It's today question: WHAT ARE YOU PROBABLY TOO OLD TO BE DOING, BUT YOU STILL DO IT ANYWAY?
Breaks too many things... he's not clumsy, he has some anger issues and feels the need to break stuff
His girlfriend says he's too old to email radio shows... received via e-mail
Watches WWE and reads comic books "all the time"
Still wears her hair in pigtails... a personal pet peeve of mine
Rocks out to 80's metal bands
Skateboards and only dates people in their 20's... he's 42
He stage dives and crowd surfs at age 30
Still eats dinosaur- shaped chicken nuggets and animal shaped macaroni and cheese... says that they just taste better
He's 27, buys Transformer toys... not to collect, but to play with. Says that they're "amazing"
Plays whiffle ball
He's 18- years- old and still has a bed time... come on, man
ALCO- HALL- O- FAME
So tonight is the night! Our 5th celebration of our 53rd Annual Alco- Hall- O- Fame, where we celebrate alcohol and it's contributions to drunken humanity. We'll be at the Backstage in Tacoma and I truly hope to see you there. Here's the thing, I have to get up by 7:30 tomorrow and be back here for a 'special secret project' I'm working on. Do you have any idea how bad I'm gonna feel tomorrow? Do you know how little I care?
Anyway, tonight we celebrate one of the things that we here in the Men's Room truly love most.
Until Monday, do what you do best and STAY BEAUTIFUL!"
So three people have to split last week's $640 million dollar Mega Millions Lottery Jackpot, and by the time the feds are done screwing them over, they should all walk with about $100 million each... making the big winner the Federal Government, as they'll walk with about $340 million. Quite the racket. Anyway, ONE of those 'winning' lottery tickets is causing a bit of controversy because the woman who BOUGHT the ticket is claiming that the ticket she bought that WON, is the one ticket she bought for herself with her own money... not one of the multiple tickets she bought as part of an employee pool. Riiiight. Whatever the case, everyone involved will have to put their dreams on hold until this is all resolved. Most of us will never have the 'problem' they're facing, but most of us have had that rare opportunity that we stumbled into a little extra $$$ and today we wanted to hear your story: WHAT IS THE BIGGEST AMOUNT OF CASH YOU'VE RECEIVED AT ONE TIME AND WHAT DID YOU DO WITH THE MONEY?
Got $1500 dollars just for graduating from high school and blew it on strippers and alcohol
After a year and a half, the VA finally got around to giving him $26,000 for disability... paid of his and his girlfriend's debt. Probably the smartest thing you can do
Was homeless, joined the Navy and got a $20,000 and bought a Mercedes Benz... just what every homeless person needs
Got 8.5 thousand dollars and put toward the down payment on a car... his (now) ex- wife has the car. Welcome to reality
Got his hands on $11,500 in cash... got the money by STEALING IT FROM A COKE DEALER... anyway, he stole the money, bought a car and (wisely) moved across the country. That was 20 years ago
Went to an ATM which happened to be loaded wrong, so instead of dispensing $20's, it was dispensing $50's... I think I would have made several withdrawals
Lost his job and got 4 months severance pay... was lucky enough to get another job and was able to use the severance to buy a new house and furnish it top to bottom
Got $20,000 from the VA (which we found out takes an average of 18 months to actually pay veterans) and spent it on "every 'seen on TV' product imaginable". And it's choices like that that might inspire the VA to take their time to pay veterans
She received a $10,000 inheritance from her grandfather... she used it to file for divorce
Won an iPad from a radio station but took the $500 cash value deal instead... bought a .357 magnum instead
Personally, I've never had a lot of money at one time that wasn't already earmarked for something else in advance. Kind of a drag, but made worse by hearing some of the stories today! Truth is, I'd probably blow it all on unmentionables. I like unmentionables. Just how I roll.
OK bitches, I'm out!
Until tomorrow, I'm looking California, but feeling Minnesota, so STAY BEAUTIFUL!"
Alec Baldwin is celebrating his 54th birthday today and what could be better for the spirits of a 54- year- old than getting engaged to a 28-year-old yoga instructor? If you're Alec Baldwin, NOTHING could be better, and that's why he proposed to the woman that his 26 years his junior over the weekend. She said 'yes', which answers the question Alec has been asking for a few years now, "what's in your wallet". Her. Then there's Courtney Stodden, the then 16- year- old child bride of actor Doug Hutchison... who has proven to be as creepy as he looks. Granted, her parents traded her off for the chance to be stage parents, but it's still just creepy. Speaking of marriage, Presidential candidate Mitt Romney was hosting one of those phony 'town hall' meetings in Wisconsin when someone in the audience questioned Mitt's opinion of interracial marriage. See, the Book of Mormon paints interracial marriage as a sin... assuming it's black and white... and since Mittens claims to be Mormon (which I'm sure he is) the audience member wanted to know just how Mormon he is. Like most modern- day religious folks, Mitt is religious when it suits his needs, so when asked if he agrees with the Latter- Day Saints view of interracial marriage, he said 'no'. And then there's the whole gay marriage issue which has distracted the country from things that matter. Some people think it's unnatural or blasphemous, or whatever. Everyone has their own opinions of who should or could be together, but we didn't want your opinion today... no, we wanted you to defer to that vocal minority of opinionated fools we must ALL endure more commonly referred to as 'family'. WHO COULD YOU BRING HOME TO PISS OFF YOUR FAMILY AND WHICH FAMILY MEMBER WOULD BE THE MOST UPSET?
Away we go:
Mom would freak out if she brought home a black guy... SIGN ME UP!!!
She's a black Muslim woman from Somalia who married a white guy... her family is cool (and they're all terrorists!) and his family disowned them (because they're good Christian folks)
Brought home a friend who's parents were in the Church of Satan... his super religious parents freaked out. The Church of Satan is so phony, it's not worth worrying about
Her mother would freak out if she met her boyfriend... because she's married and in an open relationship that mom doesn't know about. Says mom is 'crazy religious', but I'm not sure that's why her mother would be upset
His friends were "pissy" because he was 42 and he was dating a "dumb, blonde 20- year- old girl with big milkers"... his words, not mine... anyway, one of his friends asked the most ridiculous question ever: "what are you doing with her?" Come on
Says that he will never allow his children to date anyone who is a Steelers fan or a Timbers fan... I agree with that
His 98-year-old grandfather is STILL a member of the KKK... anyone but a 'white, Christian woman' would put the sh*t to the fan
Her boyfriend was 57, she was 28, her mother was against it and they broke up... she's 40 now and she's STILL looking for this guy. We think she's crazy
Dated a black chick... his brother is a member of the Aryan Nation... he reacted by tying him up and throwing him against a wall
Married a Vietnamese guy... her father, the classiest guy ever, told his own grandchild that the only reason he's alive is because "I missed your grandfather during the war!" Ahhhhh, family.
SIT AND SPIN
It's Seattle Music Week (here in Seattle) so Jolene had us each pick our two favorite songs from Seattle bands. It was actually much harder than you'd think, but we did it and here's the link:
Alright bitches, time for me to head to trivia.
Until tomorrow, don't stare too long and STAY BEAUTIFUL!"
To the shock of absolutely no one, two- thirds of women say they've used their cleavage to get advantages. The other way to look at this is, ONE- third of women have small b(.)(.)bs. So, how have ladies used their 'dirty pillows' to their advantage? Let us count the ways; get out of tickets, impress someone on a first date, jump in line, get free drinks and to help their career. Like I said, no one is shocked that women use their b(.)(.)bs for special treatment. B(.)(.)bs are like currency: have enough and a lot of problems go away. Think about it; rich folks and celebrities don't live within the same legal system as the rest of us. Vince Neil and Brandi have both killed someone with their cars, but because they're Vince Neil and Brandi, they got a slap on the wrist while the rest of us would be in prison. Lindsay Lohan can violate her probation 20 times a week and, again, while WE'D be in jail, she gets to make a million dollars posing for Playboy... which is really gross. We know how it works. It's the American way. Nevertheless, while most of us don't have a 'get out of jail free' card or the ultimate hook up, we all 'know a guy' or have a connection that helps us in a pinch. WHAT STRINGS CAN YOU PULL TO GET WHAT YOU WANT OR TO AVOID WHAT YOU DON'T?
For the most part, the stories today involved being in the military and getting the discounts that come with it or the times that people avoided getting speeding tickets. The thing about dealing with the cops is that speeding tickets, in my mind, are the least of your problems. I mean, I've never gotten pulled over for speeding when I WASN'T speeding. On the other hand, if I were popped for drugs, THAT'S when I'd like a cop to cut me some slack. Just me?
I don't really have many connections or anything, but certain friends seem to think I'm a connection because of my job. Make no mistake, we get plenty of cool perks working at KISW, but we don't have any actual pull over bands or concert venues, etc. WE might get hooked up, but it's not like we can call Nikki Sixx and make things happen. On the other hand, Pain in the Grass and Holiday Hangover Ball, maybe we can help. Maybe. That's about it though.
So, last Monday, Thee Ted Smith came in and was sick as f**k. He came in because we've always said that we don't believe anyone who says they're sick on a Monday or a Friday... the whole 3- day weekend thing. Anyway, he missed the next two days because he REALLY WAS sick. So I wake up today and I'm sick as a dog (assuming the dog is sick), puking, joints hurting, skin on fire, the whole nine. I wanted to call off today, but no, Ted dragged his sick ass in and so I did the same. I bring this up because I wanted to kill Ted today for making it in last week. So here I am. I hate puking, and that has been the main evidence of my sickness. Two things I've discovered about puking; (1) it's impossible to do quietly and (2) nothing comes up the same color it goes down.
I'll leave you with that.
Bitches, you've been a fine group... most of you, anyway!
Until tomorrow, lick it but don't bite and STAY BEAUTIFUL!"