It's never a big surprise when a professional athlete retires from their respective sport. After all, it's bound to happen sooner or later. In cases where the athlete in question is past their prime, they'll often sign a one- day contract with the team they're most closely associated so they can 'officially' retire as a member of that team. Goofy, but it's what people do. In the world of NFL football, Jerry Rice and Joe Montana signed one day contracts with the San Francisco 49ers and Emmitt Smith signed with the Dallas Cowboys and, as of yesterday, Kordell Stewart announced that he has officially retired a Pittsburgh Steeler. The odd thing about Kordell is that HE HASN'T PLAYED FOOTBALL IN 7 YEARS! Can you really retire from something you haven't done in 7 years? I guess you can. There are a lot of things I haven't done in a long time, but it didn't occur to me that I haven't officially announced my retirement from those activities. For example, I've officially retired from drinking tequila out of plastic bottles. haven't done it in about 20 years, but today I'm announcing my retirement from it. I'm also announcing my retirement from sleeping on sidewalks or stuffing quarters in my nose in exchange for a pint of beer. True. Anyway, this leads to today's question: EVEN THOUGH YOU HAVEN'T DONE IT IN A WHILE, WHAT WOULD YOU OFFICIALLY LIKE TO RETIRE FROM?
Meth... good call
Being the 'party girl and college whore'... which is a shame
Officially retired from drinking Yukon Jack (good idea) and playing guitar (not a good idea)
Drunken Facebooking... too many apologies
After 20 years of not skiing, he's officially announcing his retirement from, well, skiing
He's retired from getting arrested... now he's a cop. Go figure
After gaining 100 pounds, he's retired from paintball... I think it's because he's an easy target
Retired from selling weed 7 years ago, after selling for 20 years... he still smokes
She's retired from dating... she's still single and will presumably stay that way
Malt liquor... well, not ALL malt liquor, just the 40 oz bottles
Thanksgiving at grandma's... says the food sucks and the company is getting lame. On that note, I've retired from Christmas with the family. My immediate family is fine, but I'm done buying plane tickets to fly 3000 for it. Too much trouble and too much $$$.
OK, I've got some ass business brewing and must excuse myself. Yea, it's like THAT, itches.
Until tomorrow, wipe front to back and STAY BEAUTIFUL!"
"The fine folks at AOL conducted a survey and found that 53% of people have done something illegal to save money. I find that number astonishingly low, but that's most because I'm up to no good. Anyway, more than half of you have resorted to illegal activities to keep a little extra scratch in your pocket. We have a list of the 5 most common ways people break the law to save money. Share that with you in a second. One of the money- saving activities a lot of us have attempted is the 'dine- and- dash'... you know, go to a restaurant, order your meal and then bolt before paying. It's a douche move, but it's relatively simple... assuming you don't lock yourself out of your car in the process. Four 17- year- old's from Syracuse recently learned this lesson the hard way. They attempted the dine- and- dash, only to find themselves trapped in the parking lot. They've all been charged with theft related nonsense. It's no secret that the economy sucks, so today we wanted to know: HOW HAVE YOU OR DO YOU BREAK THE LAW TO SAVE MONEY?
As promised, here are the 5 Most- Common Ways We Break the Law to Save Money
1. Switching labels from an expensive item to a cheaper one
2. Parking illegally... come on, that's kinda illegal
3. Lying to friends... saying you don't have money to have someone else pick up your tab... not illegal, just sh*tty
4. Tricking self- checkout scanners... in other words, not ringing up an item
Hey, sorry. A bit distracted today trying to keep up with the 'Seattle gunman' story. It's one of those tragic stories where the details and the death tolls) keep changing. Anyway, we've been quietly keeping an eye on the story in an effort to give you an accurate account. Difficult to do.
When it comes to your exes, if you're like most people, you get a bad taste in your mouth and words like 'bitch', 'douche', 'crazy', 'whore', 'cheat', 'liar', etc pop into your head. It also doesn't take very long to remember why you broke up with them in the first place, nor does it take long to be flooded with that sweet, sweet feeling of relief you get when you realize that you no longer have to endure their company. And then there are those people who wish they could get back together with their ex. I don't understand those people, but they exist. Case- in- point, rumors are circulating in that vapid wonderland we call Hollywood that Ashton Kutcher and Demi Morre might be getting back together. If you're like me (stunningly handsome) yo don't care... not even a little... but it got us thinking; which ex would we go crawling back to if we HAD to, and what would be the criteria? The sex? The cooking? Their hotness? Drug connections? Their money? Something else entirely? Today we asked you to shed your self- respect and answer this question: IF YOU HAD TO GO BACK TO ONE OF YOUR EXES, WHO WOULD YOU GO BACK TO AND WHY?
Her ex Catie... in spite of being "lesbians", her ex left her for a man. Not very lesbian- like, but what do I know?
She would go back with her ex Shaun... why? He bought her stuff, but he sucked in bed. So she'd give up good sex for 'stuff'. Move to Bellevue and the world is your oyster, baby!
His Cambodian/ Vietnamese ex- girlfriend for her oral skills AND her ability to roll a perfect joint
His 'baby mamma'... he says "keep your enemies close"... if you can't have kids with your enemies, who CAN you have kids with? Oh, wait
His "crazy, blonde ex"... great ass and a sweet, sweet, 'ham wallet'
Girl he dated when he was 19 because she taught him a thing or two or 69 in in the bedroom
His most recent ex because he was a good cook, the sex was great, he was sweet and had a perfect body. Why did they break up? F**k if I know
Dated a 21- year- old nurse (meaning; a dirty, dirty girl) when he was 38... we had to cut him off, but he pointed out that she liked it "deep in her bu-", and that's where we cut him off
She would go all the way back to her high school boyfriend so she could cheat on HIM!!!
Wants to go back to the girl who had sex with his friend AND his brother while in the shower... that's a keeper
His most recent ex... super crazy but good in the sack
His ex girlfriend who never complained, didn't get jealous and couldn't get pregnant... why did you break up, exactly?
SIT AND SPIN
Like beards? Like music? You are in luck, amigos because the lovely Jolene brought us Rolling Stones' list of the Top 10 Beards in Rock. Yea, there's list of the Top 10 Beards in Rock and Jolene presented it to us. The crazy part is, we actually debated.
OK bitches, I'm out!
Until tomorrow, broom the womb and STAY BEAUTIFUL!"
This was breaking news yesterday afternoon during our show, but it's worth repeating; a man in Puyallup called police to report that he saw a BENGAL TIGER in his backyard. A few minutes later, another caller, from a house on the same street, reported seeing the same thing in his yard. Naturally, the authorities searched for the animal, but to no avail, so one of two things is happening here; the calls were a prank or there's a f**king tiger wandering around Puyallup. If you ask the first caller, Travis Johnson, the latter is true. He's pretty sure he saw a damn tiger, but not everyone believes him. Then, there are those who swear they've seen Bigfoot. We've all heard the stories, now a group of researchers are DNA testing supposed Bigfoot hairs in an effort to put the mystery away once and for all. There are also UFO researchers, ghost hunters and those people who swear they've seen the face of the Virgin Mary in a Chicken McNugget. This leads to today's question: WHAT ARE YOU PRETTY DAMN SURE YOU SAW, OR WHAT'S THE MOST UNBELIEVABLE THING YOU KNOW YOU'VE SEEN?
Won't lie to you, today's show sucked b*lls. It happens. What can you do? That being said, it's of no consequence because it's Memorial Day Weekend, which is a time to reflect on things just a tad bit more profound than a less than stellar performance. Well, that, and it's time to fire up the grill and eat like Vikings... who cooked with grills. Actually, I'll be visiting the Drunk in Charge's home tomorrow to (hopefully) enjoy some smoked brisket... and no, a**hole, that's not a euphemism! Keep in mind, the last brisket he tried to cook (the Super Bowl) ended up in being in the backyard.
Alright bitches, if you're fortunate enough to have a three day weekend, lt's get it started.
Until Tuesday, do what you do best and STAY BEAUTIFUL!"
So, former President Bill Clinton was at an event at a casino in Monte Carlo (yea... who wasn't in Monte Carlo?) when two hot broads and asked if he'd pose for a picture with them. Naturally, Bill, like any other red- blooded heterosexual man on Earth, obliged. As you'd expect, one of the women posted the picture on her Twitter account. After all, you don't take a picture of or with someone famous to NOT show other people. Now is Bill is catching a little heat because, as it turns out, the women in the picture are Brooklyn Lee and Tasha Reign... two porn stars. One of them was recently voted 'Newcomer of the Year' at the Adult Video Awards, and we'd like to say congratulations. Oh, right... so, chances are, Bill didn't know , but so what if he did? The real question is, is it cooler that these ladies have a picture of Bill Clinton or that Bill Clinton has a picture with two porn stars. Personally, I'd be happy with either. WHO WAS THE COOLEST PERSON YOU HAVE EVER HAD YOUR PICTURE TAKEN WITH AND WHAT WERE THE CIRCUMSTANCES?
Here's a small sample of today's answers:
Ronald Reagan... you might remember him as the POTUS?!?
Shelly Wright... hot country singer who likes the ladies
Christopher Reeve... Super Man II had just come out and Chris was renting a home from his parents and they all went fishing
Kid Rock... he was drunk (Kid) and leaning against a wall trying not to be noticed
Snapped a picture of Captain Phil Harris from 'Deadliest Catch'
Marilyn McCoo... his parents were friends with her back in the day so they had dinner together quite often
Henry Rollins... met him once... short and scary
Got a picture with Harrison Ford at the MGM in Vegas
Slash... 'nuff said
Sammy Davis Jr. and Frank Sinatra years ago (obviously) in Vegas
Billy Gibbons of ZZ Top... or a random homeless guy/ hard to tell
Krist Novaselic... possibly the tallest bass player in history
Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes... who I've always had a thing for... and I'm talking about Katie f**king Holmes, NOT Tom Cruise
Dave Grohl when he was in town playing in a random garage
Michael Jackson... to make it better, he was a blonde haired, blue- eyed kid living in Japan when he was 7 years- old... yea, hard to believe Mike made time for him
OK, gots ta go!
Until tomorrow, lick it, stick it and STAY BEAUTIFUL!"
So, Facebook finally went public last Friday, launching at $38 per share. It was big news, and it still is, but for a different reason. Seems that facebooks major underwriters, Morgan Stanley, Goldman Sachs, JP Morgan and Bank of America reduced their earnings outlooks for Facebook to "strikingly similar levels ahead of the IPO". In other words, they (allegedly... wink, wink, nod, nod) all received privileged information about Facebook's financials so that they could avoid losing a lot of money with the IPO launch. In laymen's terms, it was insider trading... the same thing that landed Martha Stewart in jail. Is anyone surprised that these four particular banks may have dabbled in some not- so- savory negotiations? Well, sh*t, I hope not, but it's still annoying because the 'regular' folks who bought, sold or traded Facebook stock got duped about it's actual worth. Obviously there is a clear advantage to being the first to know, but then again, it can come back to bite you in the ass. Depends entirely on what it is you find out, and that is today's question: FOR BETTER OR WORSE, WHAT DID YOU KNOW BEFORE ANYONE ELSE?
Got married at 25... first among his friends to discover there is no sex after marriage
First to know what Safeco would look like... construction workers let him check it out before it was completed
Both parents bad mouth each other to him... knew they were gonna divorce before they did
Worked in mortgage processing years ago in LA and saw the housing market implosion coming... he acted accordingly and avoided losing his shirt (unlike me)
Knew he was gonna marry his current wife by their third date... he met her when he was 21 and they've been married for the last 20 years
Knew that his "buddy's kid" wasn't his buddy's kid... he used a basic mathematical equation that I recommend EVERY guy learn; if your girl gives birth to a kid 9 months after you "took a break" from each other, IT'S NOT YOUR F**KING KID!!! Jesus... we hear this same story over, and over, and over.
In a very odd twist of fate, he met his wife's biological father before SHE did... actually used to camp with the guy and everything, but had no idea at the time
There was more, but some of the stories were weird or, frankly, not anything I'd wanna repeat... meaning tight.
Until tomorrow, lick it, stick it and STAY BEAUTIFUL!"
So I was busy typing a blog with all of the award- winning witticisms that you've come to expect, but unfortunately, I was typing said blog on one of the Paleolithic computers we're endowed with here at KISW and at some point today, mine particular computer took a big ol' sh*t and I lost everything that I had typed. Generally I react to this by cursing loudly and punching the screen... and today was no exception, but none of that re-created what I'd already written.
My point is, what you just read is today's blog. I apologize on behalf of my computer and my inherent laziness.
Until tomorrow, use current technology and STAY BEAUTIFUL!"
The big news today is the Facebook IPO (initial public offering). A whole bunch of early investors made whole bunch of $$$... we're talking BILLIONS of dollars. Needless to say, these people are very happy... very, very happy. We'd argue that the day you become a billionaire is the happiest day of your life. Founder and CEO Mark Zuckerberg will probably tell you that today is the happiest day of his life, but I'm saying that it's not true. Sure, he's made a ridiculous amount of money, but he didn't wanna take Facebook public in the first place. He was LEGALLY required to do so, and he's not particularly pleased with that. Obviously, no one is cry him a river, but unlike his investors, today is not the happiest day of his life... but he'll say it is. Sometimes you're obligated to say certain days were the 'happiest day' of your life because everyone expects you to. When you get married, you're supposed to say that that was the happiest day of your life, then when you have a kid, you have to say that THAT was the happiest day of your life. In my case, both of those days were happy, but I can say with certainty that THE happiest day of my life was the day I got my divorce official from my first wife. I can't put into words how f**king awesome it was and still is. Ahhhh... sorry, just soaking it in. Anyway, here's today's question: WHAT WAS ACTUALLY THE BEST DAY OF YOUR LIFE AND WHAT DAY ARE YOU OBLIGATED TO SAY WAS THE BEST DAY OF YOUR LIFE?
Here are some of today's answers:
Says it's family time/ truth: when he has the house to himself
Says it's the day his daughter was born/ truth: the day he found a quarter POUND of weed on the sidewalk
Says it was the day her son was born/ truth: the day she sent her ex back to his parents... ON A GREYHOUND
Says it's the day he met his current girlfriend, is preparing to say that it'll be the day her father gives him permission, ultimately prepared to lie and say it'll be the day they get married/ truth: day he divorced his ex
Says it's the day his daughter was born/ truth: day he divorced his ex
Says it was the day his grandson was born/ truth: day he discovered masturbation. Strong. It's one of the few skills I learned and continue to use to this
Says it was her wedding day/ truth: the day her "a**hole, abusive boss" was fired after 9 years
Says it was the day(s) his children were born/ truth: the night he had a 3- way with 2 strippers
See a pattern? Here's the thing; those people with children shouldn't feel guilty about it because if we learned nothing else, we learned that OUR parents had better days than birthing us too!
OK bitches, the weekend is here!
Until Monday, do what you do best and STAY BEAUTIFUL!"
'Stand up straight', 'speak clearly', 'keep your reputation clean'... according to European researchers, those three pieces of advice, generally passed down by your mother, are the three main life lessons that, if followed into adulthood, will ALSO get you dates... which we know better as 'nookie'. In other words, of all the things your mother told you (and if she's like most women, she said A LOT) those three things, in particular, were the most timeless and relevant. Thing is, pretty much everyone got that advice. Hell, even your teachers, friend's parents and perfect strangers told you the same thing. With Mother's Day coming up on Sunday, we're all supposed to remember all the great things our mothers' have done for us... and that's fine, but let's be honest, you take the good with the bad. So, while you buy her some sappy card showering her with all the 'thank you's' and 'love you's' that you buy her EVERY year, we asked to you come clean today and answer today's question: WHAT IS THE BEST OR WORST ADVICE YOUR MOTHER EVER GAVE YOU?
Away we go:
Marry the girl you got pregnant... now he's divorced, lost half his crap AND paying child support, instead of JUST paying child support
Don't drink... he didn't listen and spent 7 years in jail after a particularly rowdy alcohol- fueled evening
Accept every job offer after college and then pick the one you want... became career suicide when word got out that he committed to about 12 different jobs and let 11 of them down
While he was living in a half- way house, his mother got him drunk, resulting in him spending the rest of his probation behind bars
Just last year his mother came to visit him on Mother's Day... he had an ear infection, and even though he's an adult, mom was there to take care of him and broke out an old- school remedy; a fifth of brandy and garlic in his ear... the result was a terrible hangover and an infected ear that reeked of garlic for 3 weeks
Best advice: never get married/ worst advice: if you ever have to choose between your man and your kids, pick your man because your kids won't always be there (???)
Worst advice: don't have pre- marital sex
When he was 15, his mother encouraged him to throw eggs to blow off some steam... one went over a fence and hit a cop car. Things didn't end well
Best advice; don't drink, smoke weed instead
Don't try any drug that requires needles
And finally, worst advice: plead innocent and represent yourself/ best advice: don't ask her for legal advice
OK bitches, have yourselves a wonderful weekend.
Until Monday, do what you do best and STAY BEAUTIFUL!"
So, the social media is all abuzz about the Time Magazine cover featuring some broad breast- feeding her kid. The thing is, the kid is three years old, so the cover looks more pedophilic than maternal, but then, that's kinda what the bruhaha is all about; 'how old is too old to breast- feed', blah, blah, blah. We don't really care. What bothers us is that while the mother is proud to be the cover- girl on a national magazine, that poor kid is gonna be ridiculed for the rest of his life. Count on it. Trust me, you don't wanna be the kid suckling his mama on a magazine cover... not at 3- years- old or older. Similarly, Alicia Silverstone's kid has a lifetime of ridicule awaiting him fo sho, as he will forever be known as the kid whose mother chewed his food FOR him and then spit it in his mouth. It's not that these mothers have done anything terrible, it's that the rest of the world found out about it. Look, maybe you were scared of the dark until you were 15 or you peed the bed until you were 12... if no one knows, no problem, but when people find out, it's gonna suck for you. Maybe you were the kid who wore homemade clothes to school, maybe you were home- schooled, maybe you went through the foster system or maybe, just maybe YOU were the kid who was breast- fed late into your childhood: WHAT ABOUT YOUR CHILDHOOD WAS A LITTLE DIFFERENT THAN MOST?
Went to 9 different schools
His parents were stoners and smoked in front of him all the time
Went to the hospital for and came out "crazy"
His parents were the only ones who were divorced... that's insane... I'm the only person I know whose parents are still together. Difference is, he's from Egypt (do NOT ask him about the Pyramids) where divorce is a lot less prevalent
Didn't learn to wipe properly until he was NINE! To be fair, I just had a bad looking pair of underwear the other day. Looked like a monster truck competition took place in my pants
So we're pushing for Mono Nick from the BJ Morning Experience get the opening slot for his upcoming comedy riot. Why? Well, Nick wants to, BJ doesn't like the idea and we find that kind of thing funny, so we're instigating. Anyway, Nick came by and dropped a few of his jokes on us and I have to admit, it was funnier than I thought. He's kinda like Steven Wright... drier than desert sands, all one- liners but surprisingly funny. We don't know if this will earn him the slot, but we're hoping so.
A police officer by the name of James Britt came by today to tell us about the SPD's upcoming launch of Unmanned Aerial Vehicles... which we know as DRONES! Straight up told him that we believe the things will eventually be used for the wrong reasons (still believe that) but I believed HIM that he won't be one of those people. Either way, the little drone thing was really f**king cool. He brought it in and fired it up for us. We'll be talking to him again (and no, not from the back of a patrol car) as he agreed to be a contact for us when we have questions of legality. Cool guy and I'm always happy to make friends with a cop because, well, you know.
Alright bitches, I'm out.
Until tomorrow, pass it to the left and STAY BEAUTIFUL!"
I apologize for the visual I'm about to share with you, but here's the story: Nadya Suleman, better known as the "Octomom", finally succumbed to the financial reality of having 14 kids. You may remember back when she first surfaced in the national consciousness when she added 8 more mouths to feed to her pre- existing collection of 6, she made it clear that she would NOT do porn to earn money. She'd been offered A MILLION DOLLARS to star in a porn, but turned it down. Fast forward to 2012; she has no job and no sugar- daddy, yet still has the lives of 14 children to ruin, so she has, in fact, just finished shooting her first (of many, I'm sure) porn’s. Per her request (and to the relief of porn actors everywhere) she insisted that she appear in the movie alone, so it's just her self- pleasuring. Chances are, there will be more where that came from because the Octomom says she "loved" it. According to her, thanks to the crew and 'actress' Jessica Drake in particular, her eyes were opened to a whole new world of masturbation. Yea... thanks Jessica... just what the world needed. Actually, it kinda IS what the world needs. It's one thing to lose your virginity, but there's somebody or some THING that really taught you what YOU like when it comes to sex. There's a reason why 40- year- old women are better in bed than 21- year- olds. Just sayin'. Anyway, whether it was hooker, that one girl, Penthouse Forum or something you saw online, we wanted to know: WHO OR WHAT INTRODUCED YOU TO WHAT YOU LIKE MOST ABOUT SEX?
Loves women in lingerie... discovered this self- truth via a Frederick's of Hollywood catalog
His high school girlfriend used to love having "lots" of people in the room when they had sex... not sure I'd love that now, but back in the day when getting laid was like finding Bigfoot, I wouldn't care if a gaggle of nuns watched
Been hooking up with a nympho since January and discovered that he enjoys quantity... says he's had more sex in the last 4 months than he did in the 7 years he was with his ex... he also adds that the downside to constant sex is the chafing. I play a violin for thee
His first girlfriend turned him onto pretty much everything... kinda cool, but you've gotta think that if that's true, he'll never find another like her
A one- night- stand turned her on to her foot fetish
She discovered that she likes being bitten, specifically on the wrists and neck... thing is, it wasn't about sex at the time, her boyfriend was just messing around but when he bit her, she had a tingle in all the right places
When he was 18 he worked as a dishwasher and got laid by a - year- old woman... discovered that he likes older women and hasn't looked back
She discovered that she likes being spanked
The TV show 'Divorce Court' got her into role- playing... not connecting the dots on this one, but whatever works for you
OK bitches, time for me to roll.
Tomorrow Mono Nick from the BJ Shea Morning Experience dropping by to test some jokes that he's written in hope of opening the BJ Shea Comedy Riot, and we'll talk to a police officer named James Britt from the SPD who will show us one of the new drones they'll be using to extend Big Brother's reach.
Until tomorrow, love 'em, leave 'em and STAY BEAUTIFUL!"
So www.pajiba.com, which I'd never heard of until just today, has an article titled "The 5 Dudes With Whom It's Most Acceptable for Furiously Straight Men to Have a Man- Crush On". They're not talking about the kind of crush that drives you to open your pants and fondle yourself, we're talking about the standard man- crush. For example, after watching a Jason Statham movie where he roundhouse- kicks 18 dudes in the face, shoots 7 more in the neck and then rips someone's throat outta their neck, you say, "yea, that's my man!" Or maybe you see saggy, droop, old Hugh Hefner with two vapid hotties on each arm and you can't help but say, "my man". We're talking about that kind of man- crush. Neither of those guys made the list from pajiba, but then, neither did John Travolta. Why do I single out Travolta? Well, according to a lawsuit, Travolta hired a masseuse and, at some point (allegedly) offered a "reverse massage" (I think we know that's about), admitted that he got his big break in Hollywood by performing sexual favors for "old Jewish men" (???) and then kicked things up a notch by touching the guy's b*lls and the shaft of his Johnson. Grease IS the word! Anyway, we don't know if the accusations are true (but we're gonna pretend that they are) but they don't help the rumors that Mr. Bobberino just might like the men more than the ladies. We don't care one way or another, but it's fun to speculate. That being said, whether you know it or not, there's been speculation about your sexuality too. That's what we wanted to hear about today: WHAT WAS YOUR BRUSH WITH GAYNESS?
His mother put him in ballet when he was 4 years old... he (begrudgingly) stayed in ballet until he was a sophomore in high school. In his freshman year he did ballet AND was a cheerleader. Then he joined the Marines
Had sex with a girl in his teens to convince HIMSELF that he wasn't gay... he's plenty gay. Funny how that works; I never had a sex with a guy to make sure I'm hetero
All the gay guys in prison would hit on him, including the guy who had AIDS and offered to take care of him when they finished serving their time. He says a lot of guys hit on him and couldn't understand why. Incidentally, at the end of his email, he welcomed us back (thank you) and mentioned that our voices "soothe" him. Um...
His best friend once told him, "dude, be thankful that you're not a woman or that I'm not gay 'cause I would be all over your ass!" Awkward
Got coked up (everyone's excuse) and went to a peep show... there was a glory hole... don't know if he took "advantage" of it or not
Went to the Ms, Mr. and Mrs. Gay Washington pageant recently in Fife
His brush with gayness was when he was 8- years- old... his buddy convinced him that if he acted like a girl it would be OK if they kissed. Afterwards, he didn't find it so OK
A friend of 4 years started putting the moves on him after a UW football game
SIT AND SPIN
Today we covered The Top 10 Edible Bands or the 10 Best Bands You Can Eat... whatever you want to call it. Anyway, just check out the link:
OK bitches, it's trivia night, the night where I convince people that I'm really smart. It's not true. I just have the questions AND the answers! HA!
I'm outta here. Glad to be back!
Until tomorrow, put up your dukes and STAY BEAUTIFUL!"
This probably won't come as much of a shock... especially here in Seattle where people don't talk to each other at all... but 25% of us don't know our neighbors' names, and 23% of us HAVE gotten into a FIGHT with our neighbors... you know, old what's- his- face! Truth is, you don't get to pick your neighbors, of course, you just hope for the best... but the best is not always what you get. For example, the guy that owns the house behind me is a straight- up d*ck... but he doesn't live there, he rents it out... to his sister... who is a bigger f**king pain in the ass. It's unbelievable. Anyway, today's question: WHEN IT COMES TO MY NEIGHBOR, I'LL NEVER FORGET THE TIME I HAD TO DEAL WITH ____________.
His neighbor would always called the cops when they had band practice... I remember those days. Used to have the same problem
Lives next door to his IN-LAWS... he just had a kid, so he thinks it's great. I don't think he'll think it's great for long.
Growing up, the neighbor's German Sheppard would routinely sh*t in his yard. The owner would never clean it up (even when asked) so his father shoveled it all up and strategically placed it on the neighbor's pathway to his door. The neighbor managed to step in several piles and got the message.
Her neighbor's pit bulls keep breaking through her fence and going after her dogs... thing is, she keeps repairing the fence, but the neighbors refuse to help pay for the constant repairs
Wanted to yell at his neighbors for making noise... they invited him to a kegger and they've been friends ever since
His neighbor was a hooker... one night, a John knocked on his door for a ride home
His neighbors got a restraining order against him... he believes they sabotaged his car
Thin walls in his apartment, always heard his neighbors having sex... says the woman screamed so loud she HAD to be faking it
Met his neighbor when he shot his own mother
Crap. Sorry bitches... got a little distracted today, so I've gotta run.
Oh... we're off tomorrow and Friday (getting surgery on my face, so I'll be even uglier).
Until Monday, do what you do best and STAY BEAUTIFUL!"
Maybe you've heard, but in this modern, app- happy world, the hottest seller right now is the Ugly Meter... and it does exactly what it sounds like it does; it scans your face and tells you how ugly you are. Apparently, it analyses your facial symmetry to come up with it's score of 1- to- 10. It should be noted that '10' is the ugliest, so this is one of those times when being a 'perfect 10' isn't what you're looking for. Thing is, you don't need an app to tell you if you're ugly. With a few notable exceptions (I'm talking to YOU Torry Spelling) ugly people are very aware that they are ugly. Not only do you know if you're ugly, you also know who the ugliest person is in your circle of friends, among your co- workers and in your own family. Here's hoping it's not you. Beauty may, indeed, be in the eye of the beholder, but sometimes ugly is an undeniable truth. Ever met anyone who found Clint Howard handsome? Me neither. Today we asked you to play the role of the Ugly Meter and give an honest answer to the following question: WHO IS THE UGLIEST PERSON YOU KNOW?
His- brother- in- law... huge head and man- boobs... what makes the man- boobs worse is that one is bigger than the other
One of his regular customers at the grocery store where she works... says she's remarkably ugly but it's made worse because she has stubble
His friend's girlfriend... says she has crooked teeth, a crooked nose, but has great legs.
Fellow student... lazy eye, weird hair, a double chin and smells "weird"
His uncle, plain and simple
His wife's best friend... makes him the guy who got the hot one out of the pair
His college buddy... guy looked 45 when he was 19... thing is, the ugly dude had a twin sister who was HOT
Knows a family who has a 16- year- old kid with gray hair... how do you have gray hair at 16? Jesus.
Says that his buddy "literally" looks like a monkey... it's possible that his friend is actually monkey that looks somewhat human?
His best friend's fiancé... he's known her for 10 years and says she's always been ugly the whole time... even better, he's the best man at the upcoming wedding AND they've only known each other for 3 months
SIT AND SPIN
Jolene brought in an interesting list today. It was the Top 10 Dead Artist Who Should Come Back as Holograms. We're just assuming the list was inspired by Tupac's recent 'appearance' at Coachella... or wherever. Here's the link:
OK, trivia night. Gotta run, bitches.
Until tomorrow, put it where you need it and STAY BEAUTIFUL!"