It's been said many, many times on this show that we have never heard of nor can we wrap our heads around the idea that a man might NOT enjoy porn. Porn is one of top money- makers in entertainment (actually, I believe it IS the top money- maker in entertainment) and there's a reason for that; porn is awesome. Well, we came across a story today (no pun intended) of a 24- year- old man from India who WANTS to enjoy porn but suffers from something called "primary headache associated with sexual activity". That's what it's called and that is also exactly what it is... and effects about 1% of the population. Anyway, any and every time this guy attempts to watch porn, he gets a severe headache within 5 minutes. WTF? I can't imagine such a thing. Who needs full 5 minutes of porn before... never mind. Then there are those of you who are allergic to glutton, preventing you from enjoying stuff like bread, but more horrifying, stuff like BEER AND WHISKEY without severe side effects... and I don't mean a hangover or a drunk text. Did you grow up with one of those kids who was allergic to the Sun? The f**king Sun, man... that which provides life to everything; except the allergy kid. Or maybe you're one of those people who has to work weekends or holidays... or maybe, just maybe, you're in prison. Today we wanted to know: WHAT DOES EVERYONE GET TO ENJOY EXCEPT YOU?
A day off... not sure when his last day off was or his next one is, but he's not happy. Then again, in our current economy, a lot of people don't know their next day on.
Shellfish... wasn't always allergic, but as she got older, she developed it and that sucks. I LOVE shellfish.
Strawberries... he gets mouth sores; which is super sexy! As a result of his call, we received many delicious strawberry recipes
Avocados... wouldn't be a big deal, but he's a cook IN California. Go to any restaurant, find a menu item that includes the word "California'' and it will include avocado
His girlfriend is allergic to potatoes... French fries, potato chips, scalloped potatoes, mash potatoes, hash browns, etc
Not allowed to drive again due to the frequency of his seizures... on the bright side, he can drink all he wants
Can't drink hard liquor or beer because it nullifies his medication... for psychosis!
Can't ride a bike or skateboard, etc... his legs don't work
Corduroy... the texture makes him sick. Only makes me sick if I have to wear it
Mushrooms (not the magic kind) and sunflower seed oil
Alright, the weekend is upon us. Headed to the Greenwood car Show tomorrow... not so much for the cars (I don't drive) but for the street food, man. Love that sh*t. Maybe I'll see you there.
Until Monday, do what you do best and STAY BEAUTIFUL!"
In spite of what both CNN AND FOX reported earlier today http://www.komonews.com/news/offbeat/Oops-CNN-Fox-flub-health-care-ruling-160714815.html, the Supreme Court UPHELD the individual insurance requirement at the heart of President Obama's healthcare overhaul. In other words, the American version of Universal healthcare is a go... just like Mitt Romney signed into law in Massachusetts. Oh... wait. Next thing you know, they'll make us get CAR insurance, or register our cars, or, or register our GUNS... or get a Social Security card, or get homeowner's insurance! On the topic of requirements, remember Conan O'Brien's hiatus between the end his stint on the 'Tonight Show' and the launch of his show on TBS? Every time he was seen publicly, people wondered why, exactly, he was rocking a full- on mustache and beard. He looked like a guy who was drinking homemade hooch in the forests of Oregon, but no, it's that he had to shave EVERYDAY that he was on the air at NBC. It was a requirement. And our very own Thee Ted Smith had to wear a uniform to school from kindergarten all the way through his senior year... and keep in mind, that include TWO trips through 8th grade. This is what we wanted to know today: WHEN WERE YOU MADE TO DO SOMETHING YOU DIDN'T WANT TO?
Church... parents made him go, like so many other kids. Could be worse; I don't know how, but that's what people say
Had to go to his wife's friend's wedding... in Buffalo... but the reason he didn't wanna go is because he'd had sex with the bride about a month earlier. Said she sucked in bed
Had to wear a uniform to Catholic school... seems like more and more PUBLIC schools are requiring uniforms. I hate that sh*t, but there are arguments in favor of it
His ex got free tickets to a concert and he agreed to go... found out when he got there that it was a Fiona "I refuse to shave my pubes" Apple
His wife coerced him into going to a kid's birthday party (also known as 'Hell on Earth')... he ended up being the only guy there, so he was surrounded by gossip and sugar highs (also known, simply as 'Hell')
Was almost made to join the Steelworker's union... back when he was a steel worker
When he was in Iraq, he had to deliver kerosene to local villages... can't believe that's the worst thing he had to do in Iraq
Had to go through gas chamber training in the Marine Corps... have seen videos of it and looks like it sucks BAD
Had to eat 'shrooms because the guy he was with was a UFC fighter and threatened to beat his ass if he didn't eat them. GOOD TIMES
Had to do 14 months in prison... probably shouldn't have stabbed the dude... IN THE NECK
Boarding school for 2 years
Rehab... he didn't mind going to rehab, it's that he went to a free one in Indiana... turns out it was cult run by a priest who'd been booted from the church
Mom made him take tap- dancing lessons as a kid... and had to wear a t- shirt that said "keep dancing". Might as well have said "make fun of me"
OK bitches, I'm outta this place... and by 'this place', I mean my MIND!
Until tomorrow, hey, hey mama, like the way you move, so STAY BEAUTIFUL!"
You can't always pick our neighbors, and yet, they can have a profound impact on your quality of life. If you're lucky, you have good neighbors, but let's face it the facts, there's a good chance that your neighbors suck... or maybe YOU'RE the sucky neighbor. Hell, we have a story today about two neighbors in New Jersey. They have some kind of history, and yesterday, after some kind of argument, one of them farted at the other one. This provoked the other neighbor to pull a gun and threaten to blow his head off. Then we stumbled onto a story where a guy discovered that his neighbor had been huffing the Freon from his air-conditioning unit. On the other hand, that would explain why the neighbor was always so, so, SO high. And we have the results from a survey that asked the top 10 things we hate about our neighbors. Share it with you in a minute. In the meantime, answer this: WHO WAS OR IS YOUR NIGHTMARE NEIGHBOR?
Here are the survey results: TOP 10 THINGS WE HATE ABOUT OUR NEIGHBORS:
Trash Everywhere
Overgrown grass or weeds
Broken garden furniture
Overgrown hedges
Dead grass
A half- finished deck or paving
A garden that's totally paved over
Children's toys permanently left out
Astroturf instead of real grass
Cheap imitation Greek statues
Guilty of any of the above?
As for your stories:
Lived next to the Washington State equivalent of the Wild Whites of West Virginia... these are the people who kept grand pa's dead body in the trailer for 2 weeks to collect his social security checks
Believes that HE is the bad neighbor because he blasts his music and he's pretty sure that all of his neighbors have seen him naked... hopefully by accident
Used to live next to a halfway house for a mental hospital
Currently lives next to drug dealers... like that's a BAD thing
His neighbor "collects" (hoards) all kinds of "stuff" (sh*t)
Dude who he STILL lives next door beat his dog to death with a 2x4 just LAST MONTH.. cops don't have 'proof', so no charges have been filed.
Lived below a woman who had 2 greyhounds... BOTH of whom had separation anxiety. To make it worse, he and the woman worked completely opposite shifts, so he had to endure the dogs' mania while he was trying to sleep
Currently lives next to a 4- room house that is populated by 2 welfare mothers that are packing 5 kids EACH... it's as much of headache as it sounds
Lived next to a mother who was ALSO a hooker, so all kinds of "strange" (meaning 'horny') men were visiting at all hours. Every- so- often they would knock on the wrong door
When she lived in DC, she discovered that her neighbor had set up a video camera outside of her bedroom window
His neighbor, has 33 cats... they live in a duplex with a common attic crawl- space... that's where she leaves tuna and the litter boxes for her cat army
Lives next to his IN- LAWS... he's today's winner... or loser, really
That's a wrap, bitches.
Until tomorrow, vegetables are what food eats, so STAY BEAUTIFUL!"
In case you didn ;t know, and you probably didn't, next month is National Hot Dog Month... and here you were thinking we should celebrte something trivial... like our country's independence. Well, no bitches, July is National Hot Dog Month, and in honor of this very important recogmition, a survey was conducted to find out America's favorite hot dog topping. Our collective favorite would be mustard. Our least favorite- tomatoes. Sorry Chicago. I happen to agree that any hot dog worth its weight in processed meat- like stuff should be slathered in mustard... and onions. That's how it should be. Then again, I'd argue that Van Halen, if they're gonna call their current line- up a 'reunion', should have Anthony Michael on bass, not Eddie's kid, Wolfgang. Pure sacrilidge. Actually, Patrick Carney of the Black Keys, offered the same opinion in a new interivew with "Rolling Stone". He states his position a little more colorfully than I do, but we agree. When it comes to food, music, movies, clothes, whatever, we all have a definitive opinion: IF ______ IS GOING TO BE GOOD, IT MUST HAVE ______.
Won't go through all of today's answers, but I'll tell you what I learned; do not, do NOT question whether or not anyone has ever eaten a bologna sandwich on wheat bread. Our general perception of bologna sandwiches is bologna and white bread, so we (meaning me) posed the question, 'do you think anyone has ever eaten a bologna sandwich on wheat bread'. We found it mildly funny, but apparently we touched a nerve. Anyway, the answer is yes, plenty of people have eaten a bologna sandwich on wheat bread. We also found out that the correctional facilities of Washington State serve their bologna sandwiches on wheat bread. Now we know.
We also asked if anyone has eaten a cucmber, sprout and avacado sandwich on white bread. Unlike the bologna/ wheat deal, not a single person called, texted or emailed to let us know that they have eaten that... so we've gotten one right.
SIT AND SPIN
Pain in the Grass 2012 was announced yesterday so Jolene came in today and shared some of the music of the bands that will be performing. The line up includes The Offspring, Chevelle, 3 Days Grace, Candlebox, Witchburn, Royal Bliss and Sandriders. Here's some more on the artists:
OK bitches, I'm outta here.
Until tomorrow, take what you want and STAT BEAUTIFUL!"
So, it finally happened last night; LeBron James and the Miami Heat finally won their coveted NBA title after took out the Clay Bennet Thunder 121 - 106 in Game 5 of the NBA Finals. Sports media are tripping over themselves to gush about how UNselfish LeBron is... in spite of previously tripping over themselves to gush about very selfish LeBron is. Now that he's won the championship, and was MVP to boot, they're kissing his ass. Their 'opinions' have suddenly changed. We'll just need you to ignore everything they ever said up until last night. On that note, former vice- President Dick Cheney was the right- hand- man of a President who wanted to add a Constitutional Amendment banning gay marriage. To be fair, Big Dick never said he supported banning gay marriage, but he did say that he supported whatever policy the administration would pursue. (???) Well, his very lesbian daughter Mary got married today to her longtime partner in Washington DC today. And the state Court of Appeals just overturned the conviction of LaTanya Clemmons. LaTanya is the sister of cop- killer Maurice Clemmons, and she was convicted of rendering assistance to him via providing a getaway car. Once again, opinions changed and that is today's question: GOOD OR BAD, WHAT DID SOMEONE DO TO CHANGE YOUR OPINION OF THEM?
Justin Timberlake... used to hate him during his NSync days, but after multiple appearances on SNL, he likes him. I'm in the same camp
An old friend threatened to kill him and his family over $200... that is a classic definition of 'over reacting'
His father is a Vietnam vet and was a psycho douche when he was growing up... got help and has come back to be a good grandfather... and father
Used to be a racist, but in high school he was prevented from getting his ass kicked by a group of black dudes by another black dude... changed his opinion and loves everybody now
Dave Chappelle... used to love him during his stand- up days and on his show, but has lost interest in him since he flaked out
Used to dislike Jennifer Aniston (probably from over exposure)... after a few decent roles in a few decent movies, he likes her
Used to think Kid Rock was a douche but after hearing a few interviews, he likes the guy... I'm the same way
Mel Gibson... like most of us, he thought Mel was a charismatic, well- mannered, funny guy... and like the rest of us, he discovered that Mel is an anti-Semitic f**king lunatic. He actually makes lunatics look bad.
The Everett Police Department... he used to be a trouble maker and had several run- ins with Everett's finest, but 4 years ago he found out that his 2 kids were being molested. Without recounting the whole story, let's just say that the EPD came to his rescue physically and emotionally during one of the worst times of his life. Says he's never given them a problem since.
OK bitches, the weekend is here, so I'm out.
Until Monday, do what you do best and STAY BEAUTIFUL!"
In the last 12 months, tattoo removal has gone up 32%. Why? Well, 40% of those who've had ink removed, say they did it to get a job, 18% got a tattoo removed because it was their ex's name (NEVER tattoo a person's name who you are in a relationship) and other reasons included a change in their beliefs and some people got it removed because they just didn't like it anymore. Stop getting tattoos to look good or rebellious or whatever. If tattoos don't call to you, don't do it. It's the best advice I can give you. That being said, in effort to look 'good', college- aged girls continue to visit tanning beds at a high rate, in spite of the well- publicized cancer risks. Well, they were asked why they continue to tan, and instead of just admitting that they want to look good, they came up with a bunch of other reasons like, "everything causes cancer these days" and "crossing the street is dangerous too". Figures that a tan- hound would also find it difficult to cross a street. At any rate, they DO look lovely when they're done tanning, so who cares? You'd just think at least ONE of them would say "I like how I look". I always assumed that's why they went. Still though, their effort to look good pales in comparison to the latest 'trend' among brides- to- be, who are using FEEDING TUBES to shed weight quickly. Diet and exercise are a thing of the past, of course, when you can just shove a tube down your throat, lose some weight and look good for a series of pictures. Brilliant! Then again, there's a list of dog breeds that men can adopt to attract women. Not only is there a list of these breeds, there are men out there who adopt these dogs specifically to attract women. Is that pathetic? F**king- A right it is, but when it comes to trying to get laid, men will do almost anything. There are even classes guys can take to get a rudimentary understanding of foreign languages just so they can impress women with their bi- lingualism. I don't know if that's a word. Anyway, these classes don't actually teach you a language, they simply teach you phrases that you can repeat and sound smart later. "Hola, me llamo es hapistoso kobesa pinoche." Today's question: WHAT'S THE MOST EXTREME THING YOU'VE DONE TO LOOK GOOD OR IMPRESS OTHERS?
Fell into the 'Fast and Furious' lifestyle... bought a Honda, added $8000 worth of paint, rims, sound system, etc. Now he drives a KIA
Cut his 3- foot long hair to impress some chick who preferred guys with buzz- cuts...got a date with her and discovered why she liked short- haired dudes- she was an Aryan Nazi broad. Never dated her again
Started working with a personal trainer to look good for his fiancé'... he lost 70 pounds. The cool thing is, his fiancé joined him and lost 30 pounds herself
Got a septum ring in an effort to pick up a co- worker... it worked
Got a surgery to stop sweating... she pitted all the time, which prevented her from wearing "tight shirts that show off the curves"... she really wanted to show off her boobs, and now she can
Spent his entire paycheck on a first date... sounds stupid, but it worked because they're married now. Actually, he dumped his paycheck and was broke for 2 weeks. She didn't understand why he wouldn't call back, so he picked her up and ran out of gas while driving her back; then he had to admit that he spent ALL of his money trying to impress her. She called him a dumbass, but gave him gas money, made him a loan and eventually married him.
Shaved his entire body for a girl
Entered an MMA after only 2 weeks of training to impress a girl... he lost a decision. Still fights and is now 4-2
Entered a wet t-shirt contest to impress a guy... she lost to "a fat girl". Don't worry about it, the guy was still impressed
Got a $9000 boob job
Used to use a safety pin to separate each eyelash so they'd look "perfect"... as you'd expect, she wore an eye patch for a week after poking her eyeball with the pin
OK bitches, I'm outta here like Vladimir. I've never met anyone named Vladimir. Is there another name that rhymes with 'outta here'? Guinevere, but I'm not a chick. Just askin'.
Until tomorrow, pass it to the left and STAY BEAUTIFUL!"
KISW has gone all 'social media' today in an effort to find the thruth. What truth, you ask? The single most important question that stands between man and divinity; should we play Nickelback on the Rock or not? This is the stuff of devout monks. We know it's fun to claim that you hate Nickelback, but it's obvious that A LOT of you are lying through your nicotine- stained teeth because they continue to sell MILLIONS of copies of their banal records every time they release an album, making them one of the most successful bands of the last decade. Pretty impressive for a band that no one likes. Anyway, it seems that every time we play Nickelback on the station, the haters (including yours truly) piss and moan about it, so today we ask you to take the time to text, Tweet or Facebook your vote, 'yes' or 'no', should we play Nickelback on the station? It's that simple. Behind the safety of anonymity, we're asking your honest opinion of the "mighty back". Keep in mind, this station used to play Journey, Limp Bizkit, Creed and Huey Lewis and the motherf**king News. Even if you like Nickelback, you're probably embarrassed to admit it, and you really should be... but there was a time when it wasn't embarrassing. I don't know when that time was, but there are people who assure that that's true. No worries. I've loved KISS since I was 8 and I STILL have a soft spot for them... and they are freakin' terrible. Look, some of you manly men love ballroom dancing or crochet or fruity drinks that come with umbrellas; some people like Snooki or Reality TV in general and some people think Kathy Griffin is hot. Hot, not doable. Totally different. Today's question isn't a question, it's a statement: I HATE TO ADMIT IT, BUT I KINDA LIKE _____________.
It needs to be noted that the topic of Nickelback (and I'm not making this up) elicits a more passionate response than politics, abortion, gay marriage, religion or anything else we've ever talked about. Think about that. I'm not sure if that is the most hilarious discovery of all time or a tragic and telling harbinger of the fall of a once proud nation. Whichever of these conclusions you feel is more accurate, just know, we, collectively, need to add Nickelback to politics and religion as those topics you should avoid discussing with strangers. sad but true.
Here are some of the answers to today's question:
Nickelback
The Dodge Magnum... he recognized that it's little more than a station wagon with a cool grill, but he likes them
'Jersey Shore'... I've never seen the show, but I lived next to Jersey for 23 years; familiar with the people and have never liked them. That's my general position
LMFAO... the "band" ... hey, you like what you like, but they might be the most insultingly stupid thing I've heard lately... and this is after Lou Bega and thr Baha Men
Justin Bieber... never actually said he likes JB, just kept saying he's "talented"... a LOT of people are talented, but that doesn't make them any good; Mariah Carey, Susan Boyle, they have talent too
Actually LIKES the movie "Kiss Meets the Phantom of the Park"... I don't even understand how that's possible
Likes "trolling"... he's the guy that comments on news articles with the specific goal of pissing people off
Likes Tom Cruise movies... when did the Cruise hate begin? Is it like Nickelback?
Loves the Insane Clown Posse
'Glee'... he was so embarrassed to share this with us that he used a fake name. Isn't the point of that show to promote the idea of being who you are regardless? Think the irony was lost on him?
Loves the Backstreet Boys... like Nickelback, they sold MILLIONS of records, so...
As a Slayer fan, he hates to admit that he likes Hall and Oates
Likes country music... in other words, he likes pop music with a twang. No worries
Khloie Kardashian... thinks that she's the hottest of them all
My favorite; he likes the word 'moist'
MOIST!
Ok bitches, I'm outta here! Off to the Sounders... who need to f**king win!
Last week in Michigan, a female lawmaker was speaking against a bill that would require doctors to ensure that women seeking an abortion weren't coerced into terminating the pregnancy. State Representative Lisa Brown said, quote, "I'm flattered you're all so concerned about my vagina, but no means no." She was then barred from speaking in the House during the next day's session because she said the word 'vagina'. Kind of hard to talk about reproductive 'rights' and not say 'vagina'. Would they have preferred p*ssy, mossy cottage, ham wallet, buffalo gums, etc? WTF? Meanwhile, in Cincinnati, a guy named Forest Thomer was promoting a comedian with muscular dystrophy named Ally Bruener. As part of the promotion, he asked people, "do you want to laugh at a crippled girl?" Keep in mind, this was asked with the blessing of the comedian, who is also a friend of his... nevertheless, this being modern America (aka 'P*ssyville), Forest was charged with disorderly conduct for using the word 'crippled'. Really? Jesus. Today's question: WHAT WORD DO YOU FIND OFFENSIVE OR JUST MAKES YOU UNCOMFORTABLE?
"Retard"... his son has autism. Fair enough
Moist and/ or moisturizer... doesn't just hate the word(s) but the shape your mouth makes when you say it. Frankly, it makes me moist!
'Nationality'... I love his point; thinks people are f**king retarded (no offense to the above guy) when Americans ask other Americans what their nationality is. This might be the only country where that kind of thing happens.
Works in customer service and hates being called "bud"
'Discharge'... like a lot of words, it depends on the connotation; a discharge from the military is entirely different than seeing a doctor because of an off- color discharge. We're assuming he means the latter
Marriage... he's not married and doesn't like the sound of it
Throb... I didn't realize that I don't like this word until he said 'throb'
Hates it when another man calls him a 'bitch'... no offense, but if someone calls you a 'bitch', chances are, you're acting like one OR that person is begging to be punched in the face
Gumbo... blames his hatred of the word on me, who describes Ted's "Hot Tub Tuesday's" whith male friends as 'man- gumbo'
'Muffin top'... says it ruins muffins
Panties... makes him think of 'granny panties'
'Tasty'... I once worked for a chef who explained, "dog sh*t is 'tasty'... is it good or bad?"
Pasty... he happens to be pasty and is nicknamed Pasty Jake, so that's why he hates it... I just picture something pale and sticky
There were plenty of other words, but those are the ones that stuck out to me.
SIT AND SPIN
Did you know that the Rolling Stones have been around for 50 f**king years?!? Well, they have been, so today we each picked our top two Stones songs. Here's a link to our picks:
OK bitches, I'm outta here.
Until tomorrow, I need a little room to breathe, so STAY BEAUTIFUL!"
Imagine you're in a hospital, as a patient, and David Lee Roth pokes his head in too see if you need anything, if you're doing alright, etc. Or imagine that you go to buy Christmas decorations and there's Jon Bon Jovi pointing out the fine craftsmanship of the ornament you're buying. Yea. Diamond Dave used to be a hospital orderly and Bob- Jon used to make Christmas decorations... seriously. Then again, Ozzy used to work as a plumber's assistant, Sting was a teacher and Gene Simmons, who was also a teacher, also once worked as an editor for Vogue magazine. One of my personal favorites’ Supreme Court Justice Clarence Thomas, the guy who was facing charges of sexual harassment once worked as a priest. Now that I think about it, Clarence Thomas' past profession is the least shocking. Look, most of us had jobs that are different than our current career path... nothing shocking about that, but every- once- in- a while we find out that you had a job so far out of the realm of how we know you that it blows our mind. That's what we wanted to talk about today: I ONCE HA D AJOB DOING _______.
So we heard from grave diggers, cheese punchers (true... and his job was to punch cheese), crab pot washers, paraplegic caregivers, FBI agent trainers, mosquito wranglers and squeezers of the anal glands of dogs, but here are some of the jobs that celebrities have had:
Mick Jagger ran errands at a mental hospital
Jack White ran an upholstery company
Kurt Cobain was a janitor
Jonathon Davis of Korn was an embalmer
Johhny Depp used to sells pens... over the phone
"Hunger Games" author Suzanne Collins used to wrote TV shows for Nickelodeon
Carrie Underwood was a waitress
Jon Hamm used to be a waiter
Whoopie Goldburg used to be a cosmologist for the dead... which we reasoned, makes sense because she sees the spitting image everyday in the mirror
Ok bitches, I'm outta here. Tomorrow on Sit and Spin we're talking the Rolling Stones.
Father's Day is Sunday, and while most of you are preparing to shower him with a coffee mug that says "Old Fart", a t-shirt that says "World's Greatest Dad", a wacky necktie or some other piece of crap he doesn't want and never asked for, what you SHOULD give him is an APOLOGY. If there is one inherent truth to all fathers, it's that you've destroyed, broken, broken or lost something very important and/ or expensive of theirs. You probably didn't do it on PURPOSE (and that, my friend, is why your father didn't kill you), but you did it nonetheless. Sure, you didn't mean to crash their car, but you did. We're sure that when you burned down the garage with all of your father's man- toys inside, it was an accident. And hey, we get it, you didn't know who Nolan Ryan was, so when you threw the baseball with his autograph on it into a lake, we know it was an accident. And sure, you snuck some of his liquor, but you drank his Louis XIII cognac. You didn't know. We get it, we understand, we just hope your dad did. IN HONOR OF FATHER'S DAY, WHAT DID YOU DESTROY OF YOUR DAD'S?
Caught the backyard on fire right after dad had laid down new sod
Cut the heads off of his father's golf clubs so that he could use them as swords
Drilled holes into the clogged gutters in an afford to "help"... dad had to buy all new gutters
Ran over her father's 3- month- old blue heeler puppy... thing is, she was 30 when she did it... AND her 3 kids were in the car. Ah, memories
Destroyed dad's Pioneer stereo system and Bose speakers
Shot out the window of his dad's vintage car... terrible idea
Killed his dad's bird when he was drunk... not on purpose. He left his Ramen noodles on the stove, started burning and smoked out the bird
Used his dad's rare quarter collection to buy bubble gum
Tried to fertilize the lawn when his father was out of town... burned the grass "to hell"
At age 14, he totaled his dad's mint condition '67 Mustang
Dug himself a series of fox holes in the back yard... all was well until grandpa drove a tractor into one... I really hope that story was meant to be funny because I keep laughing. Douche move?
Her father was in the Bosnian War and had videotaped a lot of the 'stuff' that happened... she recorded an episode of 'Friends' over it. Nice.
Alright bitches, I'm riding off into the weekend.
Until Monday, do what you do best and STAY BEAUTIFUL!"
So the results of a poll conducted in England revealed that 36% of respondents weren't aware that bacon comes from pigs, 40% didn't know that milk (that we choose to drink) comes from cows and 59% were unaware that butter is a dairy product. (face palm) Before you point and laugh at our British counterparts, 30% of American men have put on a condom inside- out, 45% have removed the condom BEFORE completing coitus, and 51% have put on a condom after they'd already started having sex. (360 degree spin and... face palm). The sad truth is, 'common knowledge' and 'common sense' aren't so common. Hell, everyone bitches about the government in some capacity, but the number of people who don't know how many branches there are (3), or how many Supreme Court justices there are (9) or how many people sit on Congress (535) is astonishing... or sobering... or depressing, depending on your view of things. Here's where it gets worse; 95% of transplants who take the American Citizenship Test pass it on the first try. Compare that only 50% of 'red- blooded Americans' who can pass a knowledge test about the place they live. (off of a trampoline face plant). We're all guilty of not knowing stuff we should damn- well know, so today we asked you to fill in the blank: MAYBE I'M STUPID (OR AN IDIOT), BUT _________ WAS NEWS TO ME.
Just discovered that Niagara Falls separates New York State from Canada... not ALL of New York, of course, but just that little part
Her husband found out last week that Darious Rucker (aka Hootie) is black... the name 'Darious' would be the first clue
Did a report on Nazi's in high school and kept pronouncing it with a soft 'z', so he kept calling 'nozzies', which sounds much more cuddly, but the Nazi's weren't very cuddly
Was unaware what the term 'moose knuckles' referred to... same as a camel toe, a ham wallet or buffalo gums
Thought that Asians were a separate ethnicity from Chinese, Japanese, Korean, etc... he just found out 2 months ago... when he started dating a Korean woman
Thought you pronounced the 'H' in hola... that's alright, I just found out last year while visiting Mexico 'hola bitchola' translates to 'hello, naked ladies'
Thought Chicago was in California
Believed that dust bunnies were living creatures... the way they multiply, you'd have every reason to believe that
Thought 'gunpoint' was a geographic place and therefore wondered why anyone would go to this place since the only news involving 'gunpoint' was bad
I'll leave you with that.
OK biches, I'm outta here.
Until tomorrow, we don't need no education and STAY BEAUTIFUL!"
A new study out of the University of Kansas found that people could guess someone’s age, gender, income, political beliefs and major personality traits with 90% ACCURACY just by looking at their shoes. I happen to be a firm believer in this, as I've ALWAYS felt that people's shoes were the ultimate tell. Uggs, Air Jordans, Chuck Taylors, Doc Martins, high heels, flip flops... they say a lot about the person. Then there's an advertising group called Mindset Media and they've come up with what your favorite TV show says about you. Researchers at Yahoo compiled a list for the ladies that explains what us guys think of you (and your promiscuity) based on your lipstick color. And there's a dating website called YourTango.com that came up with what THEY believe seven types of pets say about a guy's relationship potential. (???) Is any of this accurate or useful? Who knows, but we all have our own way of making assumptions and sizing people up, and today we asked you to share with us what YOU believe tells you all you need to know about someone you haven't met: WHAT, TO YOU, IS THE ULTIMATE TELL?
Lack of eye contact = untrustworthy... could be that you're just tough to look at. I mean, ask yourself; are you ugly?
Can tell a lot about people by the car they drive, specifically dudes because he finds it unlikely that women buy their own vehicles
Choice of music
In his experience, women with multiple piercings tend to be rowdy in bed... or it could be that they're trying to escape from him
Utili- kilt guy = "uber- dork"
She's convinced that she can tell the size of a man's junk based on the way he walks
She can tell a lot about other women based on the purse they carry, and men by how they carry their money- wallet vs money clip vs crumpled up in his pocket
A woman's hands... her nails will tell you how high or low maintenance she is... expensive, long nails = high maintenance (she doesn't use her hands for anything)
Posture and facial expressions tell him everything he needs to know... well yea, facial expressions say a lot, dude... if they didn't, no one would use emoticons
Believes that anyone who smiles too much is dishonest... I just think they're really, really stoned, or happy or weird
What we learned today is that no matter what you do or how you look, you're being judged, bitch!
Everyone has at least heard the goofy quote, "a dingo ate my baby." Hell, most of us have said those 5 words at one time or another. If you don't know, it all stems from 1980, when a 9- week- old baby girl disappeared from a campsite in Australia. Her mother claimed that a dingo took her... and no one believed her... because it's ridiculous... unless you know anything about packs of wild dogs. Anyway, mom spent 6 years in jail accused of murder, but now, 32 years later, a coroner told a courtroom that they are now 100% positive that a dingo did, in fact, eat her baby. 32 years is a long time to have to wait for someone to believe your story, but it finally happened. Earlier this week, a guy hired a hot air balloon to escort him and his girlfriend on a romantic float above Indiana. As they enjoyed their airborne voyage, he proposed to his girl, she said yes and then the balloon promptly drifted into some power lines. The pilot was electrocuted and jolted into the new bride- to- be, which electrocuted HER. Neither of them died, but the story is, well, shocking. And then there's the 49- year- old guy in Florida who FINALLY decided to get himself a cell phone. It started ringing immediately and he was met with insults and threats. Turns out he was given George Zimmerman's old phone number. Sometimes truth really is stranger than fiction, and that's today's question: NO ONE BELIEVES MY STORY ABOUT THE TIME _________ HAPPENED!
OK, so we had some good answers today, and some not so good answers, but we were sidte- tracked all day by a side argument between me and Ted; would you trust someone to come over to your home WITH their pet monkey even if they vouched for it? If it sounds like a stupid debate, it's because it is, but that kind of thing doesn't stop us.
The debate was touched off by a woman who was attacked by her uncle's monkey, Jose, when she was about 6 years old. The uncle was visiting and he brought Jose (the monkey) with him. As we understand it, Jose was just a little spider-monkey, and he was tied to a tree in her front yard (???) At some point, the caller was given a banana to go feed Jose. When she got within arm's reach of Jose, our monkey friend freaked out and attacked her. He jumped on her and bit her "everywhere there was space to bite". Eventually she was able to get away.
My initial comment was that I, personally, would not allow someone to bring their pet monkey over to my house. Nothing against monkeys, but stay outta my house. Ted argued that it's not much different than a dog, but here was my argument; with a dog, pretty much any dog, if you have some food, that dog becomes your friend. It's that simple. You'd think that would apply to monkeys as well, but no. The girl offered the frickin' monkey a frickin' banana and the frickin' monkey ATTACKED HER ANYWAY! Only monkeys do that kind of sh*t and THAT is why your monkey (should you have one) has no place in my home. Ted feels different. I stand by my anti- monkey stance.
Yea, so we were side-tracked all day with this little debate.
SIT AND SPIN
Jolene brought us an interesting list today; the top 13 songs used to torture prisoners at Guantanamo Bay. The funny thing, a fair number of the songs used, we play here on THE ROCK! Check it out.
Great to be single, isn’t it? You can play the field and hook up with as many sexual partners as you want. Well, not to rain on your sex parade, but the World Health Organization would like you to know that gonorrhea, a.k.a., the clap, that nasty bacterial infection that causes inflammation, infertility, pregnancy complications and, in some cases, DEATH, is growing resistant to drugs. SO resistant, in fact, that doctors are concerned that in a few years there won't be anything to counteract it. Used to be, you get a quick shot of penicillin or some anti-biotics and * voila *, you're good to go on the hunt again, but not so much anymore. Then again, that may be the least of your medical worries. A healthcare company called Benenden Healthcare Society found that the average person gets injured or ill nearly 10,00o TIMES in their life. This includes everything from stuff like headaches and bug bites to electrical shocks and broken noses. When it comes to your own well- being, you know what you're most concerned about, whether it's a medical condition or you're just f**king clumsy. That's today's question: MAJOR OR MINOR, WHAT MEDICAL CONDITION DO YOU SEEM TO DEAL WITH THE MOST?
Got an infection in one of her "huge" boobs... had to get an emergency surgery and now one is smaller than the other
Gets a sty on his eye a few times a years
Spine didn't fully develop at the bottom... didn't know until after 3 years of playing high school football
Nose bleeds
Makes breast milk in spite of never having had kids... weird
Bad allergies... doesn't just sneeze, he gets hives and everything
She has two really bad in- grown toe nails... do yourself a favor and DO NOT Google 'ingrown toenails'... you cannot unsee what you have seen
He's always sweaty... hyperhydrosis... turns out A LOT of listeners are sweaty people... medically
Drank contaminated water and has been suffering the consequences
"Just real itchy"... not sure what to make of that
Got hit by a drunk driver in '87 and has had headaches ever since
Got MERSA in high school (2 years ago) and is dealing with it
He's a truck driver and gets boils just below his man- satchel... has to pop them himself, which is gross. Very gross. Gross enough that i'M OUTTA HERE!
The Belmont Stakes is tomorrow, the third jewel of horse racing's coveted Triple Crown. There hasn't been a Triple Crown winner since the very sexy Affirmed pulled it off in 1978. Here we are 34 years later, and it looked like we had the chance to possibly see a NEW Triple Crown winner for the first time in 3 decades... that is, until trainer Doug O'Neill announced that I'll Have Another, the horse that won this year's Kentucky Derby and Preakness, was being retired the DAY before the Belmont. How's THAT for timing? We've all been in a situation where we ALMOST did something, and then, whether it was a conscious decision or an unforeseen circumstance, we didn't do that thing we had every intention of doing. Today's question: WHAT DID YOU ALMOST DO BUT DIDN,T, AND WAS IT GOOD OR BAD THAT YOUR PLANS DIDN'T GO THROUGH?
As you'd probably guess, a large percentage of the answers today had to do with unintentionally avoiding a premature death. We heard numerous stories of car accidents, one helicopter crash, a stunt plane crash and one story from a woman who WOULD HAVE been a flight attendant on the 9/11 flight that crashed into the Pentagon. That's some heavy- duty sh*t, right there.
There were also all the stories of ALMOST marrying the wrong person, but the one that stands out to me is the guy who almost married his 'knocked up' girlfriend because that's the "responsible" thing to do. Turns out that she was, indeed, 'knocked up', but the happy little fetus inside her wasn't of HIS creation. She knew it, but was gonna let him marry her ass anyway. Seriously ladies, we recognize that for a great many of you, having kids and getting married is the full extent of your "ambition" in life, and that's OK, but don't dupe someone. That's just sh*tty. If nothing else, it's a great disrespect to the kid you're pretending you love so much. Kids are kids, not currency.
OK bitches, the weekend is here so I'm outta here!
Have a good weekend, or don't, but do what you do best and STAY BEAUTIFUL!"
A guy by the name of Sherman Alexie wrote an article entitled "Bitter Sonics Fans Have the Right to Be Angry" . This, or course, is in reference to the OK Thunder reaching the NBA Finals last night after defeating the Spurs 107- 99. He, like any Sonics fan, is still reeling from the NBA's shady deal to relocate the team, felt and feels the heartache and anger associated with watching what was once yours finding success in an imposter's hands. Cleveland Browns fans felt the same way when the Ravens won a Super Bowl (way) back in 2000. Bill Gates and Steve Jobs were friends once, then they were engaged in not- so- friendly competition as the men behind Microsoft and Apple. And who doesn't enjoy bumping into an ex who's put on an additional 50 pounds and looks tired? Might be petty, but like most petty things, it's human nature. There are just some people or things that we hope fail. Today we ask you to share: WHO OR WHAT DO YOU HOPE TO NEVER SEE SUCCEED, AND WHY?
Not a good question to ask. Should have just asked, 'why do you hate your ex?' I'll leave it at that.
RISING WEST
You know Queensryche? Yea, well, not anymore. Rising West is the 80% of Queensryche that are not Geoff Tate. Michael Wilton, Eddie Jackson, Scott Rockenfield, Parker Lundgren and new singer Todd LaTorre are Rising West, and they came in today for their first- ever interview. Hear it here.
If you're one of those people lucky enough to travel, you're also unlucky enough to be showered with all manner of unsolicited advice... but sometimes it's actually GOOD advice. For example, they'll tell you that if you visit Puerto Rico and happen to rent a car, don't stop at red lights at night. Just a bad idea. If you visit Tokyo, don't walk like you've got no place to go; walk quickly or get the hell outta the way. If you're a cute, blonde woman, just avoid Aruba altogether. Well, "Lonely Planet" , one of the leading international travel guides, ALSO prepares foreigners for a visit to the U.s. because, frankly, some of the things that we take for granted seem very strange or stupid or deceptive to others. The truth is, if you're familiar with a place and come across someone who plans on visiting, you can't help but offer up a list of do's and don’ts. It's human nature. We don't know if you've had the privilege of visiting far- off exotic lands, but we're damn sure you recognize the idiosyncrasies of the place you're from and that is the nature of today's question: WHAT ADVICE WOULD YOU GIVE TO SOMEONE VISITING YOUR HOME TOWN, AND WHAT HAVE YOU DISCOVERED IN YOUR OWN WORLDLY TRAVELS?
OK, so there were all types of questionable advice and recommendations today for various places, but the one place that kept coming up was Thailand. Being that this show is so very sophisticated, naturally, the hot topic regarding Thailand was how to avoid hooking up with a tranny hooker. What this tells me is that the ONLY reason anyone chooses to visit Thailand is for the paid side action. Anyway, there was much debate about how to identify a 'girlie- boy' BEFORE you discover their penis after 2 hours of foreplay (which is the real goal) but the best suggestion we heard came courtesy of a former Air Force guy; if they're over 5 feet, 6 inches tall, avoid them.
An Oregon jury awarded a 49- year- old woman $900,000 after she claimed that a 69- year- old man INTENTIONALLY gave her herpes. Oddly enough, she's from Beaverton... and she says that she now suffers from "painful and (unsightly) outbreaks". Anyway, she won the money. Her name? She kept her name under wraps because, you know, she has herpes. So she has money and gets to keep her anonymity. That WON'T be the case for 5 of the 10 sexually abused victims of former Penn State assistant coach Jerry Sandusky. The judge in the case ruled yesterday that they will have to testify using their real names, thus, sharing with the world that they were raped by another man. That's not the kind of thing you brag about. If you're a kid with lice, you don't brag about THAT. In fact, to avoid being known for having the dreaded 'cooties', you try to keep your lice a secret... and that's why they DON'T want to be seen going into 'Lice Knowing You' on Mercer Island... a place you go to de- lice your kid's cootie- riddled head. Great service, but embarrassing to be seen going in... or coming out. This leads to today's question: WHAT ENBARRASSING THING DID YOU HOPE NO ONE WOULD FIND OUT ABOUT YOU... AND THEN, WHO FOUND OUT?
His mother walked in on him "punching the clown" when he was 16... he was pleauring himself to a store catalog IN THE LIVING ROOM! ever, ever MASTURBATE IN THE LIVING ROOM. I didn't masturbate in the living room when I lived alone!
Didn't want his girl to know that he was chubby in his youth (???)... parents came over and brought a newspaper clipping of him as a kid. Nice article, but he was the "fat kid" in the picture
She's in cosmetology school and is one of those people who doesn't use public bathrooms... on this particular day, her butt was explosive and she had to break her trend and use the bathroom at the school. AFTER she released pooped, she discovered that the back of her skirt was IN the toilet... and covered with poop
Voluntarily slept in the same bed as his mother until he was 8- years- old... I find that very disturbing. I just do.
His friend had a "bad stomach" after eating Chinese... nowhere to go, so he ducked into someone's front yard and unloaded his brown cargo. The bad part is that he had to wipe his ass on his own shirt
Decided to "rub one out" at school... didn't realize that everyone in the caffeteria could see him... and did
Crapped his pants at a grocery store... ditched his pants and wrapped himself in a towel... came home to a house full of friends, having to explain why h was wearing a towel, but not pants
SIT AND SPIN
Tomorrow is Metal Day here at KISW, so to celebrate; we played the 10 Best Metal Sons of All Time. Just so you know, none of the songs were metal by genre, they were just songs that had a metal in the title, so really, all of the songs sucked... and they sucked bad. ENJOY!
About 2 weeks ago in Pierce County, a few residents called 911 swearing that they'd seen a TIGER roaming around their neighborhood. Naturally, the authorities responded with caution (because they were looking for a f**king tiger), but after finding no signs of it, the assumption was that people only THOUGHT they saw a tiger. Whether they THINK they did or they ACTUALLY did, it's a story they'll share for a long time. Meanwhile, about a week ago in Canada, a guy was in an outhouse trying to drop a deuce. This is usually an uneventful and private exercise, so imagine his surprise when a black bear kicked down the door and dragged him outside by his pants. It mauled him a bit but the guy survived. Still, you know, come on, can a brother take a sh*t? Then, today, we hear that an army of very large and poisonous, yet unidentified spiders descended on an Indian village and have been attacking people. Sure, bears and tigers are scary, but the idea of an "army" of spiders is just wrong, man. I don't like it, but that's just me. Today we wanted to know: BIG OR SMALL, WHAT ANIMAL HAS WREAKED HAVOC IN YOUR LIFE?
"Big ass centipedes"... he was raised in Hawaii and he never got used to the.... because they're GIANT CENTIPEDES
When he was in Alaska, he was chased down by a moose... I've heard that story a million times and the one thing they ALL have in common is that it happened in Alaska
Fire ants... when she was growing up in Texas, her then- 2- year- old brother sat on a fire- ant hill... they crawled into his diaper and created as much fun as you'd expect
Cockroaches... grew up in Texas and hates them
A raccoon stared at him through a window when he was 10- years- old... I don't know why, but that simple story made me laugh
Tarantulas... used to live in Arizona and they would hang out in the backyard all day. They don't move, To this day, they freak her out. Yea, tarantulas are f**king creepy
Green tree snakes in Vietnam... 18 inches long and lethal... thing is, they rain out of the trees
Taking a dump at a campsite, discovered there was a bees nest IN the outhouse and got stung 75 times while pooping
Was attacked by cow earlier today... it's calf season and he got a little too close to a youngin... mama wasn't having it
There was a moth in his ear when he called us today... flew in last night and died there. He can't get it out, went to the doctor's office but doesn't have insurance so they did nothing. They recommended the emergency room, but he "has a thing about hospitals", so he won't go. Dude, no one likes hospitals because no one ever goes for a GOOD reason. Here's the thing; you have a f**king moth in your f**king ear... get it out.
Filled a gopher hole with acetylene... blew up a yard and cracked a house in half. Seriously
OK bitches, happy Monday to ye!
Until tomorrow, slap it, tickle it and STAY BEAUTIFUL!"
Congratulations to this year's winner of the 85th Annual Scripps National Spelling Bee. The 14- year- old won $40,000 for correctly spelling 'guetapens', a French word meaning something to the effect of 'ambush' or 'trap'. It's really no surprise that she won, as her name is SNIGHA NANDIPATI... and she's had to spell THAT her entire life. Anyway, Snigha now has a childhood accomplishment to brag about. On that note, 18- year- old eric Arty at Manhattan Theatre Lab High School in New York City has something to really, really brag about. He just won a $500 bet with 4 friends for being the first, and presumably the only, one of them to make out with their hot- ass 26- year- old global studies teacher. The kiss was caught on tape and he collected. Meanwhile, the teacher, Julie Warning, has been 'reassigned'. Personally, I never won a spelling bee or made out with a teacher, and the ONE award I did win in my school days, which was for a historical research paper, I completely plagiarized from another student. Actually, the only impressive accomplishments I have from my school days was missing 120 days of my junior year and being expelled from high school 4 times. It's not the stuff that makes a role- model, but it's no less impressive. That leads to today's question: WHAT WAS YOUR MOST IMPRESSIVE ACCOMPLISHMENT AS A YOUTH? AND WHAT WERE YOU REALLY KNOWN FOR?
Won the Bank of America award for Home Ec... what the hell do you win for that?
Was the state champion in wrestling
Only went to school for two months his senior year and still graduated
Made a silver ring; it won a competition and ended up at S.A.M. Precious!
Wrangled 29 wolves into cages... WTF???
Ran the Baltimore Marathon in 3 hours... I lived in Baltimore for 23 years and never we had a marathon
Was a "nobody" in high school... then he hooked up with the senior prom queen, then he was 'somebody'
He was known as the kid who had a headache and popped a Viagra (by accident) instead of aspirin... had to call out from work because his boner wasn't going anywhere
In 4th grade he won a Frisbee throwing contest... threw it 210 feet... no one else got it past 75 feet
Played semi- pro basketball in Europe at age 17... now he's a long shoremen
Won the punt, pass and kick contest at age 9... 'say punt, pass, kick three times fast and see what dirty word you say
OK bitches, off to the BJ Shea Comedy Riot.
Until Monday, do what you do best and STAY BEAUTIFUL!"
