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So there's a guy named Zack, and his fiancé mentioned that she was up for a three- way with him and her best friend. Thing is, he'd never met her best friend, but that didn't stop him from wanting to get in on some 3- way action, so he decided to record a video of himself as an introduction to the best friend. As you'd expect, he repeatedly mentioned the three- way idea and wanted to let her know that he was game. Unfortunately for him, he accidentally uploaded his personal video to YouTube... making it a very PUBLIC video. It is awesome, but very embarrassing. Then there's Notre Dame linebacker Manti Te'O who, as you probably know by now, carried on a relationship with a virtual girlfriend he'd never met... only to discover that he was being pranked by a gay guy who, in his own words, "fell in love with Mante". That's bad enough, but the fact that it was made public (and continues to circulate) only made the whole situation worse... for him, anyway. We're loving it. Anyway, thses things happen to the best of us; you have that moment (usually following an awkward silence) when all you can say is "oops", and that is today's question: WHAT WAS YOUR BIGGEST "OOPS" MOMENT?
Tried to send a text about buying weed to his girlfriend... sent it to his boss instead
When her husband proposed, he used his mother's old ring and she said it was ugly... they're still married 6 years later
Was busting his woman's chops during a card game... she called him out for f**king the babysitter
When he said, "I do"
When he woke up and walked into the living room where his family was sitting... he didn't realize that his d*ck was at full attention and poking out of his boxers. It happened when he was 12 and his family won't let him forget it
Was making fun of a fat chick at a party; well, she wasn't 'fat', but she had a massive muffin- top and was showing it off. Anyway, he was poking fun at her among a group of guys and had to offer up an "oops" when one of the guys pointed out that muffin- top was his girlfriend
Same customer has been coming in for 6 months and she always called him 'sir'... 'he' is a woman
Sent 4 naked pictures to her boyfriend, including one with semen on her back (seriously)... she actually sent them to her sister's boyfriend by mistake. Happened a year ago and her sister still won't talk to her
Was playing "Mad Libs" at a party when someone asked him for a noun. He just kind of absently said, "uh, I dunno, 'gimp'". That's when he noticed the guy in the wheelchair angrily staring at him
OK, that's a wrap. Tomorrow is Friday, bitches!
So, until tomorrow, doo- da- dippity and STAY BEAUTIFUL!"
According to a new study from the University of Tennessee, your first several experience determines how much you'll enjoy sex for the rest of your life. The long and short of it is this; people who had a positve experience their first time, reported more physical and emotional satisfaction from sex in the future than people who had a negative experience. Without conducting our own survey, we're pretty sure this theory holds true with many, many things. Look, I hate vegetables and I'm (very, very) often asked one of the most idiotic questions that can be asked; "why don't you like vegetables?" The simple answer is; 'because I can taste them'. Then there is the inevitable follow- up stupidity; "have you ever even tried _____?" Yes, dumb- ass, that's how I know that I don't like them. See how that works? We're willing to bet that's how MOST people discover that they like or dislike something, and with that truth in mind, today we wanted to know: AFTER TRYING _____, I KNOW FOR SURE THAT IT'S NOT FOR ME.
"Fat chicks"... not chubby or big boned or 'of larger carriage', but F A T. He gave it a go (I think we all have) but it wasn't for him
Smoking weed... follow along; he got stoned with friends (after 12/6/12, when it was legal) and went to the store and stole a bottle of Mountain Dew and Funyons... got caught and went to jail for shoplifting. Blames the weed.
Acid... tried it once and the trip lasted WAAAAYYYY too long. Incidentally, that's why I like acid; you get your money's worth
IPA's... Miles' favorite type of beer
Not being his own boss... as a result, he opened his own business
Rugby... she tried virtually every other sport under the Sun and enjoyed them enough, but rugby was not her cup of tea... it was, however, responsible for her bruised ribs
The "office environment"... didn't like dressing up and all that silliness
Sushi... unlike most people, he doesn't have a problem with the raw fish, it's the unique taste of dried seaweed that makes him wanna puke
The "Devil's 3- Way" (which is a ménage trois involving 2 men and 1 woman) and no longer chooses to hold a fart until he gets to a bathroom
Cheap booze... like most of us, cheap booze equals bad, bad, bad times
Meth... tried it a few times in the 80's, but saw how powerful it was
Surfing... I loved it, but I really didn't think I would
Sobriety... I have nothing against sobriety, I just happen to find it much less interesting
OK bitches, I'm outtie, as they say.
Until tomorrow, I am the smoke in your eyes, so STAY BEAUTIFUL!"
So we got an email from a Boeing employee who works at the Renton plant. He pointed out that he and the 5000 people he works with enjoy our show and listen everyday. However, as of today, they will be listening no more. Why, you ask? According to the emailer, a certain someone complained to the 'ethics' office, saying that our show is "offensive", and now we're banned from the ENTIRE company. We don't know what we said or what we did (you know how that goes) to earn this distinction, but now we know. On the other hand, NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell knows EXACTLY what he did to earn the ire of the city of New Orleans... and while he spends the week in the Big Easy in advance of Sunday's Super Bowl, he'll be lucky to get served food or a drink at any local establishment. Bars and restaurants across the city have posted pictures of Goodell with the message "Do not serve this man." Gotta love that. Anyway, today we wanted to know: WHAT IS IT THAT YOU DID TO BE NO LONGER WELCOME?
Thrown out of a restaurant for smoking... a joint... at the table. Haters
Dated a sherrif's daughter (which seems like a really bad idea to me) and after breaking up with her, he was thrown out of the town. The TOWN
Trashed several golf carts and, believe it or not, that got him thrown off of the golf course
Kicked out of a comedy club for Long Island Ice- T fueled heckling
Banned from Papa John's... he was delivery driver who caused too much trouble
Filled in as a DJ for his buddy at a bar. Big fight broke out and had to testify in court against his buddy's boss and the bouncers. No longer welcome at the bar
Banned from Caesar’s Palace AND Treasure Island in Vegas after being accused of counting cards. He wasn't counting cards, he was just winning
Intentionally burned down a Nativity scene outside of a church in Canada... was kicked out of Canada
Flashed a camera... at an amusement park and is, inexplicably, banned from the park. I'd ban any good looking woman who DIDN'T flash... but that's just me
Dropped the "N- bomb" at Ezelle's and got banned. That is the WRONG place to drop the N- bomb
Alright bitches, I'm outta here.
Until tomorrow, tug it in private and STAY BEAUTIFUL!"
It's all fun and games at an S&M photo shoot until someone gets there head bashed in with a baseball bat. It happens more than you'd think because it happened at all... earlier this month in Illinois. One of the two women being photographed was told that she could not play the role of dominatrix... so she dominated with a bat. Are you the jealous type? Are you so jealous that you'd crash your ex's wedding just to prevent them from getting married? A guy in Utah tried to do exactly that. Not only did he fail, but he failed in spectacular fashion. If you own a yellow (yes, yellow) 1994 Acura Integra, you probably don't worry about people wanting to steal your car... but a guy in Chicago feels differently and that's why he puts a boot on his car each night. He doesn't want anyone to steal that thing that no one wants to steal in the first place. These are some of the stories that caught our eye over the weekend and were used for the MONDAY RANDOM QUESTION.
What we discovered today is that there's a guy who lives in (Norman) Oklahoma who loves musicals (???) but, oddly enough, doesn't like the musical "Oklahoma".
We also discovered that February is 'Suicide Prevention Month'. We learned that from a guy who works maintenance on the I-90 bridge and he's seen several jumpers... most of them in the month of February. Just sayin'.
Yea, that's about it. Well, that, and Miles enjoyed the movie "An Affair to Remember".
OK, I'm outta here, bitches.
Until tomorrow, welcome to where time stands still, and STAY BEAUTIFUL!"
So, Matt Damon finally appeared on "Jimmy Kimmel Live" last night and it was tremendous. If you didn't see the show, essentially, Damon hosted the entire show while Jimmy was tied to a chair. It was a funny show and, frankly, Damon could probably host a late- night TV show. Hell, Leno can do it, so how hard can it be? Same could be said about a radio talk show. We do it everyday, proving that yes, any idiot could do this! There are a lot of jobs out there that we not only would LIKE to do, but believe we COULD do... and do it well. We're probably wrong, but we all have those thoughts and that's what today's question was all about; whether it's a celebrity, an athlete, a mogul, a mascot or your neighbor, we wanted to know: IF YOU COULD TAKE OVER ONE PERSON'S JOB FOR A DAY, WHO WOULD IT BE?
As we predicted, the first answer of the day was none other than Hugh Hefner
Michael Moore... he doesn't like Michael Moore, so he wanted to be Michael Moore so that he could quit the documentary business
As a medical marijuana delivery driver, he believes that he has the job everyone wants. I wouldn't want to deliver weed all day, I'd like to smoke it everyday... so I do
Dennis Hoff... owner of the Moonlight Bunny Ranch
Joe Buck... wants to call a baseball game but wants to do it with something Joe Buck has no concept of; emotion
Would like to be a commentator for the WWE
Wants Barack Obama's job... I think being the President would be the LAST job I'd ever want. Just think about all the actual crap you'd have to deal with; special interests, a childish Congress, an ill- informed public, and all the crap that we don't know about. Honestly, it seems like the worst job in the world.
Who's job would he like for a day? Guy Fieri... he can eat tons of crap too, but would like to get paid for it
He's currently a teacher but wants to be the principal... mostly because he believes that principals do very little
Much like me, he'd like to be any of the astronauts on the International Space Station. It's how you can "get away from it all"
OK bitches, that's a wrap... or is it a rap? Whatever. Either way, I'm outta here for the weekend.
Until Monday, do what you do best and STAY BEAUTIFUL!"
President Obama was inaugurated for a second term on Monday. Much like this year's Super Bowl Halftime show, Beyonce and her giant forehead were tapped to do some singing. In this case she was supposed to sing the National Anthem. It LOOKED like she was singing, but as pop stars are want to do, she was lip synching. Her secret was exposed by a member of the Marine Corps Band that had to pretend they were playing their instruments. Beyonce isn't the only person to keep secrets, of course. According to a new survey, two in five men and one in three women confess to hiding a 'major' secret from their partner. Even "happy" couples are "happy" because they each believe something(s) that are not true. On the topic of believing things that aren't true, there's been a significant uptick in the number of eagles and hawks and being shot at. Why? One expert believes it's from last month's video of an eagle snatching a baby. The video was a hoax, but, seemingly, not everyone is aware of that, so in retaliation for the vile ways of these winged, baby- snatching terrorists from the sky, people are killing them before, you know, they snatch another baby. Yes, people are actually that stupid. Nevertheless, we've all dipped our toes in the ocean of ignorance and today we wanted to know when and why: WHEN WERE YOU SADLY MISTAKEN?
The girl he started dating was already dating his best friend... somehow he didn't know
When he lived on Long Island, his girlfriend was flying into town for a visit and he went to the wrong airport to pick her up
Tried to drive his new truck through a big puddle... the puddle was bigger than he thought... and his truck wasn't as powerful as he thought
Thought he won a bunch of money on a golf scratch off because he had the highest score. He even quit his job. Never occurred to him that in the sport of golf, you want the LOWEST score. Now he knows
Got stoned in high school, took a nap, woke up at 8 and ran to school... didn't realize that it was 8pm
Made out with some chick at a biker bar... she had a boyfriend... who was a biker... at the bar
Talking to a nice woman at the airport... asked her when she was due... she wasn't pregnant. I think we've all done that and I think we all learned to never ask
Oz Fest '99... some dude grabbed his ass because he had his hair down... and a great ass, apparently
THE INNAPPROPRIATE QUESTION
We haven't done it in awhile, but today seemed as good a day as any to ask the Inappropriate Question. We were inspired by the ridiculous story of Manti Te'o, the Notre Dame linebacker at the center of the virtual girlfriend hoax. She never existed, but he thought she did, and without ever meeting her, maintained a relationship with her and considered her a girlfriend... because he's a f**king idiot. Anyway, today's question (of the inappropriate nature) was simply this; you're a virgin; would you rather have an online relationship for the rest of the life and never have sex, or be able to have sex but only with a family member? Discuss.
Ok bitches, I'm outta here. Company holiday party tonight. We just assume that the holiday we're celebrating is MLK Day.
If you work at a place with a communal refrigerator, it's happened to you; you bring in your lunch or your leftovers and put them in the fridge for later. Later arrives, you go to the fridge and your food is gone. That's right, you're the victim of a work lunch thief. According to a new survey, one- in- twelve people confess to stealing a co-worker's lunch... and 3.6% of people say they regularly steal food from their co- workers. That's annoying, but there are worse things you could steal from your job. Just ask 64- year- old Gladys Campbell. Go ahead and ask... I'll wait. She's a former payroll worker who's headed to jail for stealing over $260,000 from her boss. Maybe she should have just snatched some dumplings from the fridge... or just stolen what most people steal from work; printer paper, printer ink, pens, toilet paper or the occasional stapler. We've all done it and today we wanted you to share: WHAT HAVE YOU ACCIDENTALLY 'BORROWED' FROM A PREVIOUS JOB?
Worked at a weed dispensary in California and stole a pound of weed... a POUND. He didn't smoke it, he sold it... or as he put it, he "traded it for cash" for $3500 and used the money to support his girlfriend's high- dollar needs
Used to steal beer from a grocery store he worked at... and can you blame him?
"Borrowed" his company's generator for 2 years... and counting
He stole (borrowed) an entire bedroom set, including a mattress
Used to 'borrow' gas from the gas station he worked at
Borrowed a laser jet printer and red stapler
Started his own business and 'borrowed' his former employees customers
Borrowed 2 expensive , high end end tables, 2 lamps and a standing ash tray
Cash from the register at a movie theatre he worked at
Used to work for an American airline (hint- hint) and borrowed somewhere in the neighborhood of 200 mini liquor bottles
Had all of his friends order pizzas and then cancel at the last minute. He brought them all to a party he was having
SIT AND SPIN
Jolene joined us today to talk about those rock stars who are bigger than life... and yet, shorter than sh*t! Check out the link here:
OK bitches, I'm outta here, but before we go, let me just say that the Ravens did me proud this weekend. Going to the Super Bowl is huge, but just to make things sweeter, they beat the soft- ass Pats in New England... avenging last year's loss and exposing the Pats for what they are... soft. Love it.
"Hola, According to a British survey, one in nine men secretly wear makeup. We're not talking about news anchors or theatre majors, we mean regular men... well, as regular as any guy who wears makeup. Why do they do it? Same reason women do; to fool other people into believing they look better than they actually do. Speaking of the effort to look good through artificial means, the International Society of Aesthetic Plastic Surgery just released the results of their analysis on plastic surgery worldwide. Exciting sh*t, I know. Anyway, to the shock of absolutely no one, America leads the world in plastic surgery procedures. And then there's Lance Armstrong. Lance recently wasted everyone's time confessing to Oprah what everyone in the world (except Oprah) already knew; he used performance- enhancing drugs in each and every one of his 7 Tour de France titles. It's hard to say it gave him an unfair advantage since virtually every biker involved in the Tour de France was blood- doping, but it was still against the rules... and he lied about it. Whatever. We've all taken some liberties with the rules or the truth, and today we wanted to know how, when and why: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE TO GET AN UNFAIR ADVANTAGE OR ENHANCE YOUR PERFORMANCE?
Today has been a bit of a clusterf**k for reasons I won't get into, but that is my excuse for the brevity of today's blog. I apologize for that.
Before I sail off into the sunset of a three- day weekend, let me first say GO RAVENS!!!!! Should the Ravens take out the Patriots on Sunday (and they should) Miles and I will be heading to the Super Bowl. Just sayin'.
Bitches, enjoy the weekend.
Until Tuesday, do what you do best and STAY BEAUTIFUL!"
So, there's a middle school teacher in (lovely) Cincinnati who is accusing school district officials of discrimination because of her disability. What is her disability? Does she have a lisp? Wheelchair- bound? Legally blind? No... she suffers from pedophobia; the fear of children. I commend anyone who wants to be a teacher, but if you're scared of children, you know, don't pursue teaching at a school. Maybe write a textbook or help develop curriculum, but stay outta the classroom. If blood makes you squeamish, don't be a surgeon, if you fear public speaking, don't pursue television journalism, etc. Maybe outsource those things to other people. Speaking of outsourcing, an American software developer making $250,000 a year realized he could outsource his job to a Chinese firm for about $50,000 a year... so he did. The Chinese company did his job for him while he did whatever it is he did with his free time. Unfortunately for him, the jig was up when his company (the one he actually "worked" for) went through a routine audit. That's when they discovered an unusually high number of logins from China and fired him... but we admire his ingenuity. Whether it's your job or your personal life, there are things we'd really prefer other people did for us. Hell, it's why nannies and interns exist and it's why we take our taxes to H&R Block. It's not that we can't do these things, it's that we don't want to. Today's question: IF YOU COULD, WHAT WOULD YOU OUTSOURCE FROM YOUR JOB OR YOUR LIFE?
He already outsourced his college education... someone else did the work and he got the grades. He's currently in grad school. Scary or clever? Guess it depends what he ends up doing for a living
Wants to outsource dealing with his "pain in the ass" girlfriend, except for the sex. Says she's great in the sack and likes to have sex everyday (which is why he's been with her for 4 years) but he doesn't enjoy anything else about her
His commute... doesn't mind his job, but like most people, the morning and evening commute make him extremely angry
Foreplay... he just wants to get to the sex. Well, who doesn't, but I'm a fan of foreplay. Frankly, I consider foreplay part of sex.
His housework, specifically the kitchen... he has a job but comes home to a dirty house all the time and feels compelled to clean.
Driving... it's not the commute, it's that he has to drive EVERYONE everywhere
Wants to outsource paying for everything. Yea, good luck with that.
Desperately wants to outsource listening to his wife... not when she's complaining, but just in general
OK, the day is coming to a close so I'm gonna grab my toys head home... after going to the bar.
Back in November, a Port Hadlock woman got into a head- on collision on Route 19. She was driving with a passenger when a cat in the car jumped on her. She lost control of the car, entered oncoming traffic and slammed into another vehicle. This past Monday in Florida, a guy was run over by his own van when his (homicidal?) dog jumped into the vehicle and stepped on the accelerator. The guy died after getting trapped under the van. Dog didn't understand that 'R' was for reverse. Meanwhile, villagers in Kweneng, Botswana are accusing Google of killing a local donkey. Seriously. Apparently, a Google Street View vehicle ran over a donkey and killed it. Yea, they tapped that ass. Get it? Yea? I kill me. Anyway, Google denies it... in spite of the video evidence to the contrary. And then there's Gina, a chimpanzee at the Seville Zoo in Spain. Zookeepers installed a television in her enclosure and gave her a remote. Within one day she mastered the art of changing channels... and within three days she would only watch porn. Just porn, and porn ain't free. Animals and money... leads us to today's question: WHEN DID YOUR PET DO YOU WRONG AND HOW MUCH DID IT COST YOU?
His dog has eaten drywall, millwork and carpet in her brand new house
His ferret ate a water balloon; $1400 later, the vet let him know that there was nothing they could do to help. A few days later, near death, the ferret pooped it out and lived another 5 years
His dog chewed holes in the wall, scratched up the vinyl flooring and chewed all 4 legs on the coffee table. Cost $2000 AND an eviction from her apartment
Roommate's cat liked to sleep on his face at night... the cat's dirty butt gave him pink eye
Got a Lab for his wife while he was deployed... the dog destroyed the whole house
Had to pay $5000 to replace his floor and parts of a wall
Her 150 pound St. Bernard had diarrhea inside of her new car. The people that had to detail her car after the fact, estimated that there were 2 gallons of sh*t in the car. The dog even sprayed the windows with poop
Cat peed on the carpet and got them evicted because of the notorious smell. Had to pay $1500 to replace the carpet, but even worse, they had to move in with his mother
Swung at a baseball, but a dog jumped in the way and took a bat to the face. $1800 for facial surgery
His kitten got her nose IN his ass during sex
His dog ate the power cord to his nebulizer... woke up needing to breathe and had to call the paramedics
OK, I'm outta here for tacos. I think. I don't know.
Until tomorrow, hit me with your best shot and STAY BEAUTIFUL!"
Dogs and kids do it all the time... and according to a new study out of German, adults also have a problem with accidentally swallowing things. Kids enjoy batteries, Legos and paper, dogs enjoy everything and, apparently, us adults have a problem with accidentally swallowing bones, toothpicks and coins. What adult puts coins in their mouth??? Those are the three most common things adults swallow. We also have the occasional issue with ice cubes and dentures. How do you swallow your dentures? Anyway, everyone has accidentally swallowed something. Go to a party with canned beer and smokers and at some point someone will scream after swallowing a cigarette butt, and almost everyone I know has inadvertently swallowed a bug that decided to fly into your throat. Today, we wanted to know: (WITHOUT BEING DIRTY) WHAT HAVE YOU ACCIDENTALLY SWALLOWED THAT WASN'T FOOD?
Accidentally swallowed a Wolly worm. If you're not sure what it is, click here
In Iraq, he drank his buddy's spittoon contents
Took a swig of his OWN tobacco spit... didn't mean to. He used to spit in 2 liter soda bottles and just kinda forgot
His friend's loogies... they were in a beer can. He thought it was a beer
As a little kid, she shared a bathtub with her brother... she accidentally swallowed his pee when it arced out of the water
On a roller coaster screaming when a BIRD flew INTO her mouth... she actually swallowed the thing. She needlessly pointed out that the experience was "awful"
A sewing needle just last year... she was holding the needle in her mouth when she had to sneeze. When she drew in that big breath before you sneeze, the needle went down her throat. Kinda scary
Swallowed a thumb tack... doctors managed to remove it before he had an ass- piercing poop
Mouse poop... mice had gotten into a bag of Nacho Cheese Doritos and pooped all through it. Don't eat chips in the dark!
Baby poop... had been feeding his kid, thought it was baby food on his hand, but no, it was baby poop
She takes a bunch of vitamins every morning and she accidentally swallowed her dog's flea and tick medicine. She freaked out and called poison control. It wasn't poisonous, but she wasn't convinced. On the bright side, she didn't have fleas or ticks
Broken glass on her pizza
Works at a hospital and once had a patient's scab land in her mouth
Poop... human poop...calls it a "plumber's life". I don't think a plumber's life is very awesome
Interesting show today, but there were moments where things got gross. See "a plumber's life"!
SIT AND SPIN
As she does every Tuesday, the lovely Jolene joined us for Sit ad Spin. Today we enjoyed the top 10 songs that ruined women's names. Here's a link:
OK bitches, I'm outta here!
Until tomorrow, hold it close and STAY BEAUTIFUL!"
Today was the Monday Random Question, where we asked you a random question (per caller) and then shared the news story with you that inspired the question. That being said, it's kinda difficult to recreate it all here on the blog, so instead, I'll prattle on about my Saturday.
It should be noted that I'd had my tattoo scheduled for Saturday at 4pm for a few months now. As a Ravens fan, I was stoked for the game against the Broncos... not because it was the Broncos, but because it's the f**king playoffs. Anyway, no one gave the Ravens a chance, but Miles and I were very, very confident. Sometimes you just know you're team... and we happened to be right. Anyway, this was as epic a game as a game could be. Add the fact that it was a playoff game and this was one for the ages... and that's why it was SO annoying to have to leave to go get a tattoo. You will rarely hear me bitch about the timing of a tattoo, but this was the day. I had to leave in third quarter to get it done. The whole time I was there, I was silently sweating about the game. Eventually, someone turned the game on over the studio's speakers. This was good AND bad because one of the keys to a successful tattoo is to sit still. Based on the way the game went down, I did anything but sit still. Nevertheless, my artist, Brian Kachel at www.cicadatattoo.com , was gracious enough to stop the tattoo and allow me to cheer and celebrate (including the Ray Lewis dance) in his studio. so kudos to Cicada Tattoo for a fine work of art and for letting me be me.
Still though, it sucks to not actually see the game. So, onward to Boston for the New England Patriots. There are no words for my level of hatred for the Pats. There really aren't. Anyway, everyone keeps asking me how I feel about the upcoming game with New England and honestly, I don't play the game, so it doesn't matter, but I'm hoping that the Ravens have my mindset about it; your goal is to win the Super Bowl. Anything between you and your goal needs to be eliminated or bypassed... whichever makes more sense at the moment you face it. It's not about New England; they're this thing that stands between you and what you want to do. How would you feel about that? I would be pissed. I hope the Ravens are too. We'll see.
Kudos to the Seahawks for a brilliant season. A lot of people are pissed at the 'hawks D for allowing the Falcons to get that game- winning field goal, but I'd like to say that they did exactly what their coordinator asked them to do. Think about that. at any rate, I think the 'Hawks will be the team to beat in '13.
If you're not a football fan, I'm sure this blog was a tedious read... but I don't care. Not even a little. Love the NFL, baby.