So there's a guy named Zack, and his fiancé mentioned that she was up for a three- way with him and her best friend. Thing is, he'd never met her best friend, but that didn't stop him from wanting to get in on some 3- way action, so he decided to record a video of himself as an introduction to the best friend. As you'd expect, he repeatedly mentioned the three- way idea and wanted to let her know that he was game. Unfortunately for him, he accidentally uploaded his personal video to YouTube... making it a very PUBLIC video. It is awesome, but very embarrassing. Then there's Notre Dame linebacker Manti Te'O who, as you probably know by now, carried on a relationship with a virtual girlfriend he'd never met... only to discover that he was being pranked by a gay guy who, in his own words, "fell in love with Mante". That's bad enough, but the fact that it was made public (and continues to circulate) only made the whole situation worse... for him, anyway. We're loving it. Anyway, thses things happen to the best of us; you have that moment (usually following an awkward silence) when all you can say is "oops", and that is today's question: WHAT WAS YOUR BIGGEST "OOPS" MOMENT?
Tried to send a text about buying weed to his girlfriend... sent it to his boss instead
When her husband proposed, he used his mother's old ring and she said it was ugly... they're still married 6 years later
Was busting his woman's chops during a card game... she called him out for f**king the babysitter
When he said, "I do"
When he woke up and walked into the living room where his family was sitting... he didn't realize that his d*ck was at full attention and poking out of his boxers. It happened when he was 12 and his family won't let him forget it
Was making fun of a fat chick at a party; well, she wasn't 'fat', but she had a massive muffin- top and was showing it off. Anyway, he was poking fun at her among a group of guys and had to offer up an "oops" when one of the guys pointed out that muffin- top was his girlfriend
Same customer has been coming in for 6 months and she always called him 'sir'... 'he' is a woman
Sent 4 naked pictures to her boyfriend, including one with semen on her back (seriously)... she actually sent them to her sister's boyfriend by mistake. Happened a year ago and her sister still won't talk to her
Was playing "Mad Libs" at a party when someone asked him for a noun. He just kind of absently said, "uh, I dunno, 'gimp'". That's when he noticed the guy in the wheelchair angrily staring at him
OK, that's a wrap. Tomorrow is Friday, bitches!
So, until tomorrow, doo- da- dippity and STAY BEAUTIFUL!"
According to a new study from the University of Tennessee, your first several experience determines how much you'll enjoy sex for the rest of your life. The long and short of it is this; people who had a positve experience their first time, reported more physical and emotional satisfaction from sex in the future than people who had a negative experience. Without conducting our own survey, we're pretty sure this theory holds true with many, many things. Look, I hate vegetables and I'm (very, very) often asked one of the most idiotic questions that can be asked; "why don't you like vegetables?" The simple answer is; 'because I can taste them'. Then there is the inevitable follow- up stupidity; "have you ever even tried _____?" Yes, dumb- ass, that's how I know that I don't like them. See how that works? We're willing to bet that's how MOST people discover that they like or dislike something, and with that truth in mind, today we wanted to know: AFTER TRYING _____, I KNOW FOR SURE THAT IT'S NOT FOR ME.
"Fat chicks"... not chubby or big boned or 'of larger carriage', but F A T. He gave it a go (I think we all have) but it wasn't for him
Smoking weed... follow along; he got stoned with friends (after 12/6/12, when it was legal) and went to the store and stole a bottle of Mountain Dew and Funyons... got caught and went to jail for shoplifting. Blames the weed.
Acid... tried it once and the trip lasted WAAAAYYYY too long. Incidentally, that's why I like acid; you get your money's worth
IPA's... Miles' favorite type of beer
Not being his own boss... as a result, he opened his own business
Rugby... she tried virtually every other sport under the Sun and enjoyed them enough, but rugby was not her cup of tea... it was, however, responsible for her bruised ribs
The "office environment"... didn't like dressing up and all that silliness
Sushi... unlike most people, he doesn't have a problem with the raw fish, it's the unique taste of dried seaweed that makes him wanna puke
The "Devil's 3- Way" (which is a ménage trois involving 2 men and 1 woman) and no longer chooses to hold a fart until he gets to a bathroom
Cheap booze... like most of us, cheap booze equals bad, bad, bad times
Meth... tried it a few times in the 80's, but saw how powerful it was
Surfing... I loved it, but I really didn't think I would
Sobriety... I have nothing against sobriety, I just happen to find it much less interesting
OK bitches, I'm outtie, as they say.
Until tomorrow, I am the smoke in your eyes, so STAY BEAUTIFUL!"
So we got an email from a Boeing employee who works at the Renton plant. He pointed out that he and the 5000 people he works with enjoy our show and listen everyday. However, as of today, they will be listening no more. Why, you ask? According to the emailer, a certain someone complained to the 'ethics' office, saying that our show is "offensive", and now we're banned from the ENTIRE company. We don't know what we said or what we did (you know how that goes) to earn this distinction, but now we know. On the other hand, NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell knows EXACTLY what he did to earn the ire of the city of New Orleans... and while he spends the week in the Big Easy in advance of Sunday's Super Bowl, he'll be lucky to get served food or a drink at any local establishment. Bars and restaurants across the city have posted pictures of Goodell with the message "Do not serve this man." Gotta love that. Anyway, today we wanted to know: WHAT IS IT THAT YOU DID TO BE NO LONGER WELCOME?
Thrown out of a restaurant for smoking... a joint... at the table. Haters
Dated a sherrif's daughter (which seems like a really bad idea to me) and after breaking up with her, he was thrown out of the town. The TOWN
Trashed several golf carts and, believe it or not, that got him thrown off of the golf course
Kicked out of a comedy club for Long Island Ice- T fueled heckling
Banned from Papa John's... he was delivery driver who caused too much trouble
Filled in as a DJ for his buddy at a bar. Big fight broke out and had to testify in court against his buddy's boss and the bouncers. No longer welcome at the bar
Banned from Caesar’s Palace AND Treasure Island in Vegas after being accused of counting cards. He wasn't counting cards, he was just winning
Intentionally burned down a Nativity scene outside of a church in Canada... was kicked out of Canada
Flashed a camera... at an amusement park and is, inexplicably, banned from the park. I'd ban any good looking woman who DIDN'T flash... but that's just me
Dropped the "N- bomb" at Ezelle's and got banned. That is the WRONG place to drop the N- bomb
Alright bitches, I'm outta here.
Until tomorrow, tug it in private and STAY BEAUTIFUL!"
It's all fun and games at an S&M photo shoot until someone gets there head bashed in with a baseball bat. It happens more than you'd think because it happened at all... earlier this month in Illinois. One of the two women being photographed was told that she could not play the role of dominatrix... so she dominated with a bat. Are you the jealous type? Are you so jealous that you'd crash your ex's wedding just to prevent them from getting married? A guy in Utah tried to do exactly that. Not only did he fail, but he failed in spectacular fashion. If you own a yellow (yes, yellow) 1994 Acura Integra, you probably don't worry about people wanting to steal your car... but a guy in Chicago feels differently and that's why he puts a boot on his car each night. He doesn't want anyone to steal that thing that no one wants to steal in the first place. These are some of the stories that caught our eye over the weekend and were used for the MONDAY RANDOM QUESTION.
What we discovered today is that there's a guy who lives in (Norman) Oklahoma who loves musicals (???) but, oddly enough, doesn't like the musical "Oklahoma".
We also discovered that February is 'Suicide Prevention Month'. We learned that from a guy who works maintenance on the I-90 bridge and he's seen several jumpers... most of them in the month of February. Just sayin'.
Yea, that's about it. Well, that, and Miles enjoyed the movie "An Affair to Remember".
OK, I'm outta here, bitches.
Until tomorrow, welcome to where time stands still, and STAY BEAUTIFUL!"
So, Matt Damon finally appeared on "Jimmy Kimmel Live" last night and it was tremendous. If you didn't see the show, essentially, Damon hosted the entire show while Jimmy was tied to a chair. It was a funny show and, frankly, Damon could probably host a late- night TV show. Hell, Leno can do it, so how hard can it be? Same could be said about a radio talk show. We do it everyday, proving that yes, any idiot could do this! There are a lot of jobs out there that we not only would LIKE to do, but believe we COULD do... and do it well. We're probably wrong, but we all have those thoughts and that's what today's question was all about; whether it's a celebrity, an athlete, a mogul, a mascot or your neighbor, we wanted to know: IF YOU COULD TAKE OVER ONE PERSON'S JOB FOR A DAY, WHO WOULD IT BE?
As we predicted, the first answer of the day was none other than Hugh Hefner
Michael Moore... he doesn't like Michael Moore, so he wanted to be Michael Moore so that he could quit the documentary business
As a medical marijuana delivery driver, he believes that he has the job everyone wants. I wouldn't want to deliver weed all day, I'd like to smoke it everyday... so I do
Dennis Hoff... owner of the Moonlight Bunny Ranch
Joe Buck... wants to call a baseball game but wants to do it with something Joe Buck has no concept of; emotion
Would like to be a commentator for the WWE
Wants Barack Obama's job... I think being the President would be the LAST job I'd ever want. Just think about all the actual crap you'd have to deal with; special interests, a childish Congress, an ill- informed public, and all the crap that we don't know about. Honestly, it seems like the worst job in the world.
Who's job would he like for a day? Guy Fieri... he can eat tons of crap too, but would like to get paid for it
He's currently a teacher but wants to be the principal... mostly because he believes that principals do very little
Much like me, he'd like to be any of the astronauts on the International Space Station. It's how you can "get away from it all"
OK bitches, that's a wrap... or is it a rap? Whatever. Either way, I'm outta here for the weekend.
Until Monday, do what you do best and STAY BEAUTIFUL!"
President Obama was inaugurated for a second term on Monday. Much like this year's Super Bowl Halftime show, Beyonce and her giant forehead were tapped to do some singing. In this case she was supposed to sing the National Anthem. It LOOKED like she was singing, but as pop stars are want to do, she was lip synching. Her secret was exposed by a member of the Marine Corps Band that had to pretend they were playing their instruments. Beyonce isn't the only person to keep secrets, of course. According to a new survey, two in five men and one in three women confess to hiding a 'major' secret from their partner. Even "happy" couples are "happy" because they each believe something(s) that are not true. On the topic of believing things that aren't true, there's been a significant uptick in the number of eagles and hawks and being shot at. Why? One expert believes it's from last month's video of an eagle snatching a baby. The video was a hoax, but, seemingly, not everyone is aware of that, so in retaliation for the vile ways of these winged, baby- snatching terrorists from the sky, people are killing them before, you know, they snatch another baby. Yes, people are actually that stupid. Nevertheless, we've all dipped our toes in the ocean of ignorance and today we wanted to know when and why: WHEN WERE YOU SADLY MISTAKEN?
The girl he started dating was already dating his best friend... somehow he didn't know
When he lived on Long Island, his girlfriend was flying into town for a visit and he went to the wrong airport to pick her up
Tried to drive his new truck through a big puddle... the puddle was bigger than he thought... and his truck wasn't as powerful as he thought
Thought he won a bunch of money on a golf scratch off because he had the highest score. He even quit his job. Never occurred to him that in the sport of golf, you want the LOWEST score. Now he knows
Got stoned in high school, took a nap, woke up at 8 and ran to school... didn't realize that it was 8pm
Made out with some chick at a biker bar... she had a boyfriend... who was a biker... at the bar
Talking to a nice woman at the airport... asked her when she was due... she wasn't pregnant. I think we've all done that and I think we all learned to never ask
Oz Fest '99... some dude grabbed his ass because he had his hair down... and a great ass, apparently
THE INNAPPROPRIATE QUESTION
We haven't done it in awhile, but today seemed as good a day as any to ask the Inappropriate Question. We were inspired by the ridiculous story of Manti Te'o, the Notre Dame linebacker at the center of the virtual girlfriend hoax. She never existed, but he thought she did, and without ever meeting her, maintained a relationship with her and considered her a girlfriend... because he's a f**king idiot. Anyway, today's question (of the inappropriate nature) was simply this; you're a virgin; would you rather have an online relationship for the rest of the life and never have sex, or be able to have sex but only with a family member? Discuss.
Ok bitches, I'm outta here. Company holiday party tonight. We just assume that the holiday we're celebrating is MLK Day.
If you work at a place with a communal refrigerator, it's happened to you; you bring in your lunch or your leftovers and put them in the fridge for later. Later arrives, you go to the fridge and your food is gone. That's right, you're the victim of a work lunch thief. According to a new survey, one- in- twelve people confess to stealing a co-worker's lunch... and 3.6% of people say they regularly steal food from their co- workers. That's annoying, but there are worse things you could steal from your job. Just ask 64- year- old Gladys Campbell. Go ahead and ask... I'll wait. She's a former payroll worker who's headed to jail for stealing over $260,000 from her boss. Maybe she should have just snatched some dumplings from the fridge... or just stolen what most people steal from work; printer paper, printer ink, pens, toilet paper or the occasional stapler. We've all done it and today we wanted you to share: WHAT HAVE YOU ACCIDENTALLY 'BORROWED' FROM A PREVIOUS JOB?
Worked at a weed dispensary in California and stole a pound of weed... a POUND. He didn't smoke it, he sold it... or as he put it, he "traded it for cash" for $3500 and used the money to support his girlfriend's high- dollar needs
Used to steal beer from a grocery store he worked at... and can you blame him?
"Borrowed" his company's generator for 2 years... and counting
He stole (borrowed) an entire bedroom set, including a mattress
Used to 'borrow' gas from the gas station he worked at
Borrowed a laser jet printer and red stapler
Started his own business and 'borrowed' his former employees customers
Borrowed 2 expensive , high end end tables, 2 lamps and a standing ash tray
Cash from the register at a movie theatre he worked at
Used to work for an American airline (hint- hint) and borrowed somewhere in the neighborhood of 200 mini liquor bottles
Had all of his friends order pizzas and then cancel at the last minute. He brought them all to a party he was having
SIT AND SPIN
Jolene joined us today to talk about those rock stars who are bigger than life... and yet, shorter than sh*t! Check out the link here:
OK bitches, I'm outta here, but before we go, let me just say that the Ravens did me proud this weekend. Going to the Super Bowl is huge, but just to make things sweeter, they beat the soft- ass Pats in New England... avenging last year's loss and exposing the Pats for what they are... soft. Love it.
"Hola, According to a British survey, one in nine men secretly wear makeup. We're not talking about news anchors or theatre majors, we mean regular men... well, as regular as any guy who wears makeup. Why do they do it? Same reason women do; to fool other people into believing they look better than they actually do. Speaking of the effort to look good through artificial means, the International Society of Aesthetic Plastic Surgery just released the results of their analysis on plastic surgery worldwide. Exciting sh*t, I know. Anyway, to the shock of absolutely no one, America leads the world in plastic surgery procedures. And then there's Lance Armstrong. Lance recently wasted everyone's time confessing to Oprah what everyone in the world (except Oprah) already knew; he used performance- enhancing drugs in each and every one of his 7 Tour de France titles. It's hard to say it gave him an unfair advantage since virtually every biker involved in the Tour de France was blood- doping, but it was still against the rules... and he lied about it. Whatever. We've all taken some liberties with the rules or the truth, and today we wanted to know how, when and why: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE TO GET AN UNFAIR ADVANTAGE OR ENHANCE YOUR PERFORMANCE?
Today has been a bit of a clusterf**k for reasons I won't get into, but that is my excuse for the brevity of today's blog. I apologize for that.
Before I sail off into the sunset of a three- day weekend, let me first say GO RAVENS!!!!! Should the Ravens take out the Patriots on Sunday (and they should) Miles and I will be heading to the Super Bowl. Just sayin'.
Bitches, enjoy the weekend.
Until Tuesday, do what you do best and STAY BEAUTIFUL!"
So, there's a middle school teacher in (lovely) Cincinnati who is accusing school district officials of discrimination because of her disability. What is her disability? Does she have a lisp? Wheelchair- bound? Legally blind? No... she suffers from pedophobia; the fear of children. I commend anyone who wants to be a teacher, but if you're scared of children, you know, don't pursue teaching at a school. Maybe write a textbook or help develop curriculum, but stay outta the classroom. If blood makes you squeamish, don't be a surgeon, if you fear public speaking, don't pursue television journalism, etc. Maybe outsource those things to other people. Speaking of outsourcing, an American software developer making $250,000 a year realized he could outsource his job to a Chinese firm for about $50,000 a year... so he did. The Chinese company did his job for him while he did whatever it is he did with his free time. Unfortunately for him, the jig was up when his company (the one he actually "worked" for) went through a routine audit. That's when they discovered an unusually high number of logins from China and fired him... but we admire his ingenuity. Whether it's your job or your personal life, there are things we'd really prefer other people did for us. Hell, it's why nannies and interns exist and it's why we take our taxes to H&R Block. It's not that we can't do these things, it's that we don't want to. Today's question: IF YOU COULD, WHAT WOULD YOU OUTSOURCE FROM YOUR JOB OR YOUR LIFE?
He already outsourced his college education... someone else did the work and he got the grades. He's currently in grad school. Scary or clever? Guess it depends what he ends up doing for a living
Wants to outsource dealing with his "pain in the ass" girlfriend, except for the sex. Says she's great in the sack and likes to have sex everyday (which is why he's been with her for 4 years) but he doesn't enjoy anything else about her
His commute... doesn't mind his job, but like most people, the morning and evening commute make him extremely angry
Foreplay... he just wants to get to the sex. Well, who doesn't, but I'm a fan of foreplay. Frankly, I consider foreplay part of sex.
His housework, specifically the kitchen... he has a job but comes home to a dirty house all the time and feels compelled to clean.
Driving... it's not the commute, it's that he has to drive EVERYONE everywhere
Wants to outsource paying for everything. Yea, good luck with that.
Desperately wants to outsource listening to his wife... not when she's complaining, but just in general
OK, the day is coming to a close so I'm gonna grab my toys head home... after going to the bar.
Back in November, a Port Hadlock woman got into a head- on collision on Route 19. She was driving with a passenger when a cat in the car jumped on her. She lost control of the car, entered oncoming traffic and slammed into another vehicle. This past Monday in Florida, a guy was run over by his own van when his (homicidal?) dog jumped into the vehicle and stepped on the accelerator. The guy died after getting trapped under the van. Dog didn't understand that 'R' was for reverse. Meanwhile, villagers in Kweneng, Botswana are accusing Google of killing a local donkey. Seriously. Apparently, a Google Street View vehicle ran over a donkey and killed it. Yea, they tapped that ass. Get it? Yea? I kill me. Anyway, Google denies it... in spite of the video evidence to the contrary. And then there's Gina, a chimpanzee at the Seville Zoo in Spain. Zookeepers installed a television in her enclosure and gave her a remote. Within one day she mastered the art of changing channels... and within three days she would only watch porn. Just porn, and porn ain't free. Animals and money... leads us to today's question: WHEN DID YOUR PET DO YOU WRONG AND HOW MUCH DID IT COST YOU?
His dog has eaten drywall, millwork and carpet in her brand new house
His ferret ate a water balloon; $1400 later, the vet let him know that there was nothing they could do to help. A few days later, near death, the ferret pooped it out and lived another 5 years
His dog chewed holes in the wall, scratched up the vinyl flooring and chewed all 4 legs on the coffee table. Cost $2000 AND an eviction from her apartment
Roommate's cat liked to sleep on his face at night... the cat's dirty butt gave him pink eye
Got a Lab for his wife while he was deployed... the dog destroyed the whole house
Had to pay $5000 to replace his floor and parts of a wall
Her 150 pound St. Bernard had diarrhea inside of her new car. The people that had to detail her car after the fact, estimated that there were 2 gallons of sh*t in the car. The dog even sprayed the windows with poop
Cat peed on the carpet and got them evicted because of the notorious smell. Had to pay $1500 to replace the carpet, but even worse, they had to move in with his mother
Swung at a baseball, but a dog jumped in the way and took a bat to the face. $1800 for facial surgery
His kitten got her nose IN his ass during sex
His dog ate the power cord to his nebulizer... woke up needing to breathe and had to call the paramedics
OK, I'm outta here for tacos. I think. I don't know.
Until tomorrow, hit me with your best shot and STAY BEAUTIFUL!"
Dogs and kids do it all the time... and according to a new study out of German, adults also have a problem with accidentally swallowing things. Kids enjoy batteries, Legos and paper, dogs enjoy everything and, apparently, us adults have a problem with accidentally swallowing bones, toothpicks and coins. What adult puts coins in their mouth??? Those are the three most common things adults swallow. We also have the occasional issue with ice cubes and dentures. How do you swallow your dentures? Anyway, everyone has accidentally swallowed something. Go to a party with canned beer and smokers and at some point someone will scream after swallowing a cigarette butt, and almost everyone I know has inadvertently swallowed a bug that decided to fly into your throat. Today, we wanted to know: (WITHOUT BEING DIRTY) WHAT HAVE YOU ACCIDENTALLY SWALLOWED THAT WASN'T FOOD?
Accidentally swallowed a Wolly worm. If you're not sure what it is, click here
In Iraq, he drank his buddy's spittoon contents
Took a swig of his OWN tobacco spit... didn't mean to. He used to spit in 2 liter soda bottles and just kinda forgot
His friend's loogies... they were in a beer can. He thought it was a beer
As a little kid, she shared a bathtub with her brother... she accidentally swallowed his pee when it arced out of the water
On a roller coaster screaming when a BIRD flew INTO her mouth... she actually swallowed the thing. She needlessly pointed out that the experience was "awful"
A sewing needle just last year... she was holding the needle in her mouth when she had to sneeze. When she drew in that big breath before you sneeze, the needle went down her throat. Kinda scary
Swallowed a thumb tack... doctors managed to remove it before he had an ass- piercing poop
Mouse poop... mice had gotten into a bag of Nacho Cheese Doritos and pooped all through it. Don't eat chips in the dark!
Baby poop... had been feeding his kid, thought it was baby food on his hand, but no, it was baby poop
She takes a bunch of vitamins every morning and she accidentally swallowed her dog's flea and tick medicine. She freaked out and called poison control. It wasn't poisonous, but she wasn't convinced. On the bright side, she didn't have fleas or ticks
Broken glass on her pizza
Works at a hospital and once had a patient's scab land in her mouth
Poop... human poop...calls it a "plumber's life". I don't think a plumber's life is very awesome
Interesting show today, but there were moments where things got gross. See "a plumber's life"!
SIT AND SPIN
As she does every Tuesday, the lovely Jolene joined us for Sit ad Spin. Today we enjoyed the top 10 songs that ruined women's names. Here's a link:
OK bitches, I'm outta here!
Until tomorrow, hold it close and STAY BEAUTIFUL!"
Today was the Monday Random Question, where we asked you a random question (per caller) and then shared the news story with you that inspired the question. That being said, it's kinda difficult to recreate it all here on the blog, so instead, I'll prattle on about my Saturday.
It should be noted that I'd had my tattoo scheduled for Saturday at 4pm for a few months now. As a Ravens fan, I was stoked for the game against the Broncos... not because it was the Broncos, but because it's the f**king playoffs. Anyway, no one gave the Ravens a chance, but Miles and I were very, very confident. Sometimes you just know you're team... and we happened to be right. Anyway, this was as epic a game as a game could be. Add the fact that it was a playoff game and this was one for the ages... and that's why it was SO annoying to have to leave to go get a tattoo. You will rarely hear me bitch about the timing of a tattoo, but this was the day. I had to leave in third quarter to get it done. The whole time I was there, I was silently sweating about the game. Eventually, someone turned the game on over the studio's speakers. This was good AND bad because one of the keys to a successful tattoo is to sit still. Based on the way the game went down, I did anything but sit still. Nevertheless, my artist, Brian Kachel at www.cicadatattoo.com , was gracious enough to stop the tattoo and allow me to cheer and celebrate (including the Ray Lewis dance) in his studio. so kudos to Cicada Tattoo for a fine work of art and for letting me be me.
Still though, it sucks to not actually see the game. So, onward to Boston for the New England Patriots. There are no words for my level of hatred for the Pats. There really aren't. Anyway, everyone keeps asking me how I feel about the upcoming game with New England and honestly, I don't play the game, so it doesn't matter, but I'm hoping that the Ravens have my mindset about it; your goal is to win the Super Bowl. Anything between you and your goal needs to be eliminated or bypassed... whichever makes more sense at the moment you face it. It's not about New England; they're this thing that stands between you and what you want to do. How would you feel about that? I would be pissed. I hope the Ravens are too. We'll see.
Kudos to the Seahawks for a brilliant season. A lot of people are pissed at the 'hawks D for allowing the Falcons to get that game- winning field goal, but I'd like to say that they did exactly what their coordinator asked them to do. Think about that. at any rate, I think the 'Hawks will be the team to beat in '13.
If you're not a football fan, I'm sure this blog was a tedious read... but I don't care. Not even a little. Love the NFL, baby.
www.slate.com opened the floodgates of stupid when they asked people to submit the biggest unanswered question on their minds. Since America is in the current intellectual state it's in, here are some of the questions asked: "can a bar of soap get dirty?", "why do rich and famous women sunbathe topless?" and one of the most important questions ever posed by mankind, "why are smart people usually ugly?". I'll share the rest of the list in a few minutes. Well, I don't know how long it'll take you to read this, so maybe a few minutes, maybe a few seconds. In the meantime, just know that last year, 2012, scientists confirmed the existence of the Higg-s boson/ God(damn) particle, there was the Arab Spring, a rover successfully landed on Mars and 620 million people went without power in India in the world's largest blackout. What was the top Google search? Whitney Houston. And that, my friends, tells you everything you need to know about the current state of the world. anyway, against our better judgment, we decided to ask: "IF YOU COULD GET THE ANSWER TO ONE QUESTION, WHAT WOULD IT BE?
Before I get to your questions from today, here's the rest of the questions that people submitted to Slate:
"When did mankind figure out that sex causes babies?"
" Why do we all hate the sound of our voice on a recording?"
"Can mankind blow up the moon?"
"Why do boys like sticks so much?"
"If a Siamese twin commits murder, does his brother get punished too?" Well, not if the twins are women.
"What is the most disloyal dog breed?"
"Why don't we drop medical waste into volcanoes?"
Remember, these are the most "pressing" questions on the minds of your compatriots. Consider yourself warned.
As for the questions we were asked today:
Why do politicians lie so much? Because they can and we allow them too and we keep voting for them anyway. Wouldn't you? There's no real repercussions, so what's to stop them?
What do women want? That's a ridiculous question because women will tell you what they want every chance they get.
With shows like 'Honey- Boo- Boo', '16 and Pregnant' and anything to do with the Kardashians', can we still be considered 'intelligent life'? Sentient maybe. Intelligent, no.
What is love? The emotion that leads you to ruin or true happiness.
Who stole his Mac Book Pro? Not me... but I would have. Mac Books are very good computers.
Does God truly exist OR what would his life be like if he weren't disabled? Depends who you ask and more than likely, you'd take your health for granted, like most of us.
Why are bitches crazy? No one knows. No one.
Why does his ex wife still hate him 4 years later? Because you cheated on her, man.
Why are farts so funny? Because nature wants everyone to be able to laugh.
OK bitches, the weekend is upon us and I'm ready to get it started. My Ravens face the Broncos tomorrow in Denver, so as of 1 o'clock tomorrow, I'll be a bit intense. At 4 o'clock tomorrow, I get my latest tattoo finished, so by then, I'll be in a good mood, one way or another. Needles and ink, bitches. Nothing better. Well, bacon and sex maybe.
Have a good weekend, amigos.
Until Monday, do what you do best and STAY BEAUTIFUL!"
We bitched yesterday about ESPN 'apologizing' to Miss Alabama on behalf of announcer Brent Mussberger, who recognized, publicly, that Miss Alabama is a good looking woman. we should point out that Miss Alabama, herself, was offended and was actually flattered by the remarks of Captain Obvious. See, she knows she's hot because she was selected as Miss f**king Alabama. We also know she knows she's hot because she chose to try out for Miss Alabama in the first place. Just sayin'. Nevertheless, ESPN "believes" that Brent crossed the line. You can still walk their halls playing grab- ass and calling women "sugar t*ts", but don't ever say that Miss Alabama is good looking. WTF? Meanwhile, the Seahawk's Richard Sherman got punched in the face by the Redskin's Trent Williams after their playoff game because Williams just couldn't take the trash talk anymore. The NBA's Carmello Anthony was suspended by the league after he went looking for the Celtics Kevin Garnett for a fight. Why? Well, earlier in the evening, during the game, Garnett, who is not a cannibal, mentioned to 'Mello that his wife (Mello's) tastes like Honey nut Cheerios. ??? And secret whore, Taylor Swift, apparently wrote a song for her most recent ex, Harry Styles of One Direction, called "You're Lucky to Even Be with Me". Maybe she said the same thing to Joe Jonas, John Mayer, Taylor Lautner, Cory Moneith, Jake Gyllenhall, Lucas Till, Toby Hemmingway or Connor Kennedy. Anyway, apparently her song has caused from friction. Whatever. Today's question: WHAT DID YOU SAY, OR WHAT DID SOMEONE SAY TO YOU THAT CROSSED THE LINE?
OK, so there were all types of answers to today's question, but instead of repeating them, I'll try to wrap them all up with one, long- winded piece of advice:
Don't call your son's girlfriend "trailor trash" unless you've always dreamed of watching your mother wrestle your girlfriend in the middle of a living room.
If you're adopted, don't yell to your mother, "YOU'RE NOT MY REAL MOTHER!" It doesn't end well and it'll make things uncomfortable.
Don't call your girlfriend's mother a drunk... even if she's a drunk. Let me rephrase that; don't call your girlfriend's mother a drunk if your girlfriend can hear you.
Even if your friend is a "chubby chaser" (enjoys women of larger carriage), when he marries a woman of larger carriage, don't tell him that he "finally bagged the whale"
Just a PSA: women don't laugh at rape jokes... even if it involves religion
If a coworker has a disabled child, do not mention how you would have aborted the fetus instantly if you knew you were gonna have a "retard". WTF is wrong with people.
Don't joke that you f**ked someone's mother... really don't do it if their mother died a few days before
Kyle is a comedian brining his stand- up to Tacoma this weekend. The guy f**king hilarious. Don't believe me, YouTube his ass and try not to laugh. Anyway, he stopped by today and had a few chuckles (and beers) with us. Great guy. Check him out.
All day today is "90's Something Day" here at KISW... and for me that's a good thing because, frankly, between 1992 and 1999 I have very little recollection of anything, thanks to a combination of excessive booze and copious amounts of cheap drugs. True. But because today is "90's Something Day", we did a little research to remember just what happened during the decade... and by research, I mean we looked at Wikipedia. According to Wki (wiki- wiki) the 90's, according to Americans, was a time of unparalleled peace and prosperity. In other words, the 90's were truly "the good old days". Speaking of the 'good old days', we also have the results of a survey that reveal the top 7 moments in a man's life when he is happiest. I've done all 7 and I really hope the list is wrong. But that's just me. Today we wanted to know when you were happiest: WHAT WAS THE BEST YEAR OF YOUR LIFE SO FAR... AND WILL YOU TOP IT?
Got divorced at age 21... you gotta wonder what age he was when he got married. Either way, having been divorced once, I can tell you that few things feel better than finalizing a divorce. Seriously.
The year was 1983, he was 19 years old (meaning he's 48 now) and he moved to Arizona for job training. You know what Arizona has a lot of? Heat? Yes. Sand. well, yea, that too, but Arizona also has a lot of really, really, really hot chicks. Did I mention that he was 19 at the time? Do the math.
1999... his daughter was born. On a side note, she was born in Israel, which isn't important, but pretty interesting
In 1998 he lived in Amsterdam, which is cool, but he had to move. He moved to f**king Australia. Well done!
Two years ago he started his own company... he's been successful, so two years ago was good, but the good keeps getting better
In 2009, he was 14 and he and his father rode their bikes (as in bicycles) across the country. Went from Anacortes to Mystic, Connecticut in 51 days.
1991... she followed the Grateful Dead for months and months. Point of interest; she doesn't even like the Grateful Dead. She did like the drugs and the partying. Actually, she settled in Seattle as a result of following the 'Dead. Got here in July and fell in love.
Was an exchange student for a year in Austria
Last year; had lots of firsts. Most of them were sports related (first games, etc), first concert (Iron Maiden) and he met his fiancé. Well, 2 outta 3 ain't bad. I kid... or do I?
That's all I've got. Time to drink... more.
Until tomorrow, one more time around and STAY BEAUTIFUL!"
Natalie Maines, the cute- yet- chubby broad from the Dixie Chicks, was on the Howard Stern Show explaining that even though the 'Chicks are still around, they've been abandoned by the country music... which would be THEIR fans. See, about 9 years ago, Natalie spoke out against then- President George W and his plans for war. Talking smack about a Republican President from Texas isn't the best way to keep the support or win the hearts of Middle America. Sorry, Middle Merka. There music was pulled from radio stations and performances were cancelled. In spite of anything else they've done (and I don't know what that would be) they will always be remembered as the women who spoke out agains Dub- ya. Meanwhile, Al Roker, best known as the weather- doofus from the 'Today Show', has also written several best- selling books and is a champion of weight loss. However, after his recent admission on "Dateline", I'll always remember Al as the guy who sh*t his pants at the White House. It happened back in 2002, but he only confessed to the 'brown bomb' recently... and for me, that trumps anything else he's done. And then there's Malcolm Brenner. He's struggling to find and/ or keep a job or relationship. The problem is Google. When people Google his name, they found out that he not only had an affair, he wrote a book about it called "Wet Goddess". I should point out that his affair was with A DOLPHIN! Seriously. This leads to today's question: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE THAT YOU'LL NEVER LIVE DOWN?
Got 2 possession charges... IN 16 HOURS
Crapped himself in public... when he was 13 years old
Asked her husband for a bigger engagement ring after she said yes... yes, we got all over her sh*t
Got drunk and peed off of a 6- foot high porch... fell off of it
Lost his car in a parking garage, so he called the cops to report it stolen... turns out that he had a warrant out for his arrest
Cop... when he was a rookie, he was in a shoot- out with a bank robber; got shot in his b*lls! HIS B*LLS!!!
Once performed as Richard Simmons on Ice... notice, AS Richard Simmons
Was a firefighter... got attacked, bitten and, finally, was "molested", by a 120 pound Doberman
Fell into raw sewage outside of a bar on his friend's birthday
Slipped on a pile of dog sh*t on his way to the hot tub. Knocked himself out and woke up reeking of sh*t
Passed out drunk on a trail... cop woke him up... reporters were with the cop... his picture ended up in the paper
SIT AND SPIN:
Remember the 90's? I kinda do. I came of age early in the decade (turned 21 in 1990) and, therefore, have very little memory of anything that really happened. In face, as far as my personal life story goes, there was no darker period in my life... but there was music... and Jolene brought us the #1 rock song from each year today. To say that rock was all over the place is an understatement. Here's a link to the list:
Today is Monday, so like we do every Monday, we offered up the Monday Random Question, so called because (a) we asked you a question, (b) the question was random and (c) like I covered, today is Monday. Instead of going through each individual question and it's corresponding answer (which would require significantly more typing than I'm willing to do), I'll share with you the other bit of business we covered today; the 2013 Gay Pool. As we do every year, we each select three celebrities who we believe will come out of the closet in the next 12 months. For each celebrity you get right, you win $100. It's that easy.
In preparation for this monumental event, each of us has a draft board (not unlike sports teams heading into their respective drafts) and, assuming that none of the other members of the show steals your pick, we make our selections. For years, CNN's Anderson Cooper was our Andrew Luck, our guaranteed #1 pick. Everyone in the world knew he was gay, it was just a matter of him coming out... and in 2012, Anderson finally came clean and won Thee Ted Smith $100. Sam Champion (weather dude on Good Morning America) also came out, earning me $100, and Ben made $100 when Jim Parsons told us what we already know.
Today's picks went as follows:
So, those are our picks. Now you know. Who do you think comes out this year?
I'm outta here.
Until tomorrow, welcome to the jungle and STAY BEAUTIFUL!"
So there was a fight at a Subway sandwich shop in Orlando, Florida on Tuesday night. Customer wanted ketchup on his sandwich. The sandwich maker pointed out that they didn't have ketchup, and that Subway has never had ketchup. Well, that led to a fight between the very angry customer and the sandwich guy. Look, we don't understand it either, but this is Florida we're talking about, so... The thing that caught our attention, however, was that the guy ordered a Philly cheesesteak. From our perspective, who the f**k puts ketchup on their cheesesteak?!? That borders on sacrilege. Ketchup on a cheesesteak is akin to eating cereal in a bowl full of Pepsi. You might like it, but it doesn't make it right. All of us, on some level, part ways with tradition to the chagrin of those around us. Maybe you're that person who puts tofu in chili instead of meat, maybe you think Jar- Jar Binks is the coolest Star Wars character ever, or you put salt in your beer or maybe you're like our very own Thee Ted Smith and you take off your shirt to take a sh*t. We've all got our thing. Today we wanted to know: WHAT DO YOU DO THAT OTHER PEOPLE CONSIDER JUST WRONG?
Orders her pizza with double sauce, double pepperoni, oregano, red pepper flakes and NO CHEESE... no, she doesn't have a dairy allergy, she's just weird
Wipes boogers on the side of his car seat... we'll assume he meant HIS boogers. Otherwise it would be really strange
Cooks eggs with cheese, SPAM and... cream of mushroom soup
Eats both Pop Tarts at the same time. Patience, my friend, patience.
Puts bananas in his chili... because he's wrong
Dips his pickles in sugar. WTF?!? I hate pickles anyway, but WTF?!?
Puts mayo in his baked beans
Eats peanut butter and pickles on a tortilla... also eats T- bone steaks by hand
Puts honey on his pizza, and yes, he was high when he discovered this
Spaghetti with sugar... suggests adding 1 cup of sugar per box of noodles
Yea, lots of weird food talk today. Initially we thought we'd be hungry after today’s show, but after hearing some of these concoctions, not so much.
The bitches, the weekend is here and I'm ready to start it! NFL playoffs tomorrow.
Until Monday, do what you do best and STAY BEAUTIFUL!"
There's an article in today's Seattle P.I. titled "Violent Media Poisoning Nation's Soul", and, as the title eludes, it holds violent movies and video games partially responsible for desensitizing the average American to violence. The argument, correct or not, has been made for decades now, and in light of 2012's proliferation of mass shootings here in the states, the argument is back. This is nothing new, of course. Elvis Presley was pegged as the undoing of American youth because he * gasp * swiveled his bacon- coated hips on stage, heavy metal was held responsible for teenage suicide in the 80's because album covers showed images of Satan (???), Pat Robertson, in his infinite wisdom, will tell you that natural disasters are evidence of God's disapproval of the un- pious, the westboro Baptist "Church" blames America's holographic tolerance of homosexuality for the deaths of American soldiers and Dallas Cowboys fans blame Tony Romo for their annual pilgrimage to the land of shattered hopes. Blame is something we all do. We love to accuse someone or something of being an agent of ruin for something we, otherwise, appreciated. Hell, I blame Poison for single- handedly destroying the credibility of rock music during the 80's. Today we wanted to know who you blame and for what: PERSONALLY, I HOLD ______ RESPONSIBLE FOR __________.
OK, instead of going through today's answers, I've been asked to share the recipe for Buffalo Chicken Dip. No, I'm not kidding. Anyway, here's the recipe... sort of.
Mix cream cheese with Blue Cheese dressing. Mix that sh*t together and put it on the bottom of a Pyrex (or Pyrex- like) pan.
Shred chicken (we recommend the store- bought rotisserie stuff) and toss it with Frank's Red Hot. Not Tobassco, Frank's Red Hot. Layer it on top of your cream cheese/ blue cheese layer.
Top it off with a blend of cheddar and blue cheese and put in your 450 degree oven. Cook it. Just cook it until it's hot.
At this point you have your piping hot dip ready for you to drag a Frito, celery stalk, cracker, piece of bread or whatever dip vessel you prefer.
You're welcome. It's f**king delicious.
Ah, forgot the vegetarian version: mix cream cheese with blue cheese dressing and then go f**k yourself. This is a meat- eaters delight.
No, I don't dislike vegetarians, but you're not invited to this particular party.
OK bitches, I'm outta here.
Until tomorrow, dip your sh*t and STAY BEAUTIFUL!"
86- year- old Playboy mogul Hugh Hefner exchanged vows with 26- year- old Playboy model (and 2009 Playboy Playmate of the Year) Crystal Harris at a private ceremony on New Year's Eve. This marks Hugh's third marriage. The difference this time around is that Crystal is also known as "the runaway bride" because she's the same woman who broke off her engagement to Hugh 5 days before they were supposed to get married in 2011. So why did he take her back? Because she's hot, really hot... and really hot chicks prevent us men from thinking clearly. There are examples of this throughout all of history... and in many cases, the woman in question wasn't that great looking, she was willing to spread her legs. Empires and kingdoms have fallen, politicians are continually disgraced, golfers lose endorsements (and their swagger) for a manager of Perkins (???) and CIA leaders have retired prematurely... all in the quest for a slice. Today we wanted to know what happened to you: WHEN DID THE FIRE IN YOUR LOINS ERASE THE LOGIC IN YOUR BRAIN?
Got a little too flirty with a female cop who was writing him a ticket... not a good idea, but I find it intriguing that he saw a hot female cop
At age 19, he met a broad who was secretly just looking for a sperm donor. She showed him with all the "I love you's" and that stuff. She had the kid (9 years ag) and moved to Texas
Went back to an ex... who'd CHASED HIM WITH A KNIFE!!! It didn’t last
Hooked up with a chick in a Port- a- Potty when he was in Basic Training
His friend called him to say that he was with a woman who wanted to have sex with him. Like any young man, he met up with her, and in spite of her being ugly, lazy and SMELLY (seriously, he said he could smell her... THAT part of her before he even saw her face) he had sex with her anyway
She was hot, but she was also an alcoholic... not unlike my first wife. True
Dated a woman for 4 months before he found out that she was engaged
Needed some ass on his last day of leave before returning to duty... the woman was, and I quote, "fat and had a mustache" but he plowed that big, hairy field anyway
Hooked up with a chick who was on an outing from an insane asylum. Had sex with her in a restaurant walk- in where he worked. A few weeks later she was released from the loony- bin and they MOVED IN TOGETHER! A few weeks later, he broke it off with her, and as a reminder that she was f**king crazy, she returned to burn his house down
OK bitches, I'm outta here... for the first time this year. I can tell you that, to a man on this show, we're glad to be back. Lemme rephrase that... we're glaaaaad to be back. That's how we roll.
Until tomorrow, grab the year by the ballS, make it your bitch and STAY BEAUTIFUL!"