For many, many years, undercover cops have been issued fake ID's so that they can do the clandestine work they need to do when they're, you know, UNDERCOVER. You would just assume that that's the case (being that they're UNDERCOVER and all) but, believe it or not, the state Legislature didn't even know about the program until about a week ago. Makes you wonder what other overwhelmingly obvious things these folks are unaware of. Almost scary... but that's a story for another day. Obviously, a fake identity is the hallmark of effective undercover work, but many of us have assumed a false identity for some reason. Sometimes it's just a fake ID to get into a bar when you're underage, other times it's a case of mistaken identity, but you just roll with it. Today we wanted to know: WHEN DID YOU PRETEND TO BE SOMEONE YOU AIN’T? (yea, 'ain't').
Back in 1991, he borrowed his Russian friend's passport so that he could visit the Black Sea. Can't say I've ever done anything quite like that
Currently 17 and uses a fake ID to buy beer
At age 17, had an 'authentic' ID that said he was 27... got busted by the cops
Had a few warrants out for his arrest, so when the cops confronted him, he gave them a fake name... turns out that the other name he gave ALSO had a warrant out
Has pretended to be gay, blind and from Australia just to get laid. To be fair, he didn't pretend to be all three of these things at the same time, but on separate occasions
Put on an old Boy Scout uniform and went around raising money for a 'camping trip'... he kept all the money
Pretended to be homeless so he could get medical treatment. Can't blame the guy for that one
Missed her flight home from Vegas... the airline called for the last passenger to get on ANOTHER flight, so she pretended to be that person and made it home
THE BLUE DART
I've hinted about a project that I've quietly been working on for the last few years; well, here's a better description of the thing:
Very excited about this project. I'll let you know when we officially launch it.
Until we meet again, do what you do best and STAY BEAUTIFUL!"
It's been done since the invention of ink; someone passes out and someone else draws a d*ck on their face. It happened Friday night in Virginia. The difference is, when the guy woke up and discovered the drawing on his face, he freaked out and beat the living hell outta his roommate. He was arrested for 'malicious wounding'. Insult to injury; the penis was sill on his face in his mug shot. Meanwhile, a disabled guy was awarded $8000 by Disneyland after he was trapped on the "It's a Small World" ride for 30 minutes. Even after being freed from the ride, it took him 3 hours before he could be medically stabilized. What was the problem? The song "It's a Small World" played continuously while he was stranded. And then there's the story we hear way too often; road rage. There's a video on the internet right now featuring a 40- year- old man who punches the driver of a truck in the face after he was cut off. Naturally, a fight ensues and ends with gunfire. Chill out. Anyway, this brought us to today's question: WHAT WAS IT THAT MADE YOU SNAP?
When his drill sergeant made an off- color comment about his mother he lost his mind. Seriously... after beating the sh*t out of the DS, he was in a straight jacket in a padded room for the next 15 years
Like the question's inspiration, he ALSO got stuck on "It's Small World". He was 16 and got stuck on the thing for 45 minutes! They never stopped playing the song. That should be a requirement; if the sh*tty ride breaks down, turn off that Goddman song
He's a guy... he works with all women
Tried to run a VW bus off the road with his log truck after they intentionally cut him off
When she was 7 months pregnant, she freaked out on the sandwich "artist" because they'd run out of Italian dressing. Bitch be trippin'
His wife filed for divorce on Monday and left with his car. As a result of losing his car, he couldn't get to work on Tuesday, so he was fired. The good news is that he has some condition (that I can't remember the name of) that prevents him from freaking out about anything. He sounded positively happy to tell us his troubles. Weird
Some dude called him a "fag", so in return, he beat the guy senseless... also fractured part of the guy's skull, so charges are pending
Snaps when he sees people litter. Don't litter
His name is Christopher, but it's spelled Kristophfer. He gets angry when people make fun of it. He SHOULD be mad at his parents, who decided at birth to ruin his life.
OK bitches, I'm suffering from a well- earned hangover from last night.
Until tomorrow, smoke 'em if you got 'em and STAY BEAUTIFUL!"
A woman by the name of Dr. Gracelyn Santos writes a blog, and one of her latest is titled "Why Do Some Older Men Prefer to Date Younger Women?". It's a very annoying read, as she doesn't so much investigate the obvious answer, but simply bitches about it. She's a little older than 'young', so it just pisses her off and she, seemingly, struggles to wrap her head around why 'some older men prefer to date younger women', so I'm gonna giver her a hint; it's the exact same reason that some older women prefer younger men... and it has nothing to do with conversation. Guess you have to be a little older to really appreciate it. Then there's Ohio Republican Senator Rob Portman who, like many of his fellow party members, has been against gay marriage from the get go. Well, he very recently came out in favor of gay marriage. What changed his perspective? His college- aged son came out of the closet and, to Rob's credit, he cares about his family more than party ideology or the company line. That's how it goes sometimes; you hold a belief or have no sense of something at all until it happens to you. Kids are annoying up until you have one, the legal system is confusing until you go to court, and most people don't run in charity races until that charity is of benefit to you or a loved one. There's no shame in it... it's human nature. We tend to care about the things that effect us... and why wouldn't we? So, with that, we presented a fill- in- the- blank style 'question': "I NEVER FULLY UNDERSTOOD ______________ UNTIL I HAD TO DEAL WITH IT."
Angelsman's Syndrome... it'w when part of the 15th chromosome is missing... turns out that that part of the 15th chromosome controls a lot of important stuff. Well, the caller had never heard of it until her daughter was born with it. Needs CONSTANT supervision, but mom has been resilient
Never understood why everyone thought Zeppelin was so 'bad- ass' until he sat down and listened to them at age 12
4 months ago he had his first kid and his world, obviously changed... thing for him is that he's in the military so he gets the pain of leaving a child for a long amount of time
Never understood the court/ legal system until he got charged with 5 felonies... unfortunate way to learn
Crone’s Disease... he dated a chick who had it. I did too back in the day... stinky situation
Lost a bunch of weight (135 pounds) and discovered what it is to be hit on and be attractive. She doesn't like it as much as you'd think. Made the point that not everyone who approaches you is your friend when they just wanna have sex. I wouldn't know!
Lost an arm to a Mexican flesh- eating virus 10 years ago
Never understood why men didn't wanna get involved in planning their own wedding... until he started planning his wedding with his fiance. Yea man, that's the worst.
Addictive personalities... never got it until his mother got into gambling and lost the house. She wasn't done yet; she then started drugs and alienated the whole family
SIT AND SPIN
40 years ago, Led Zeppelin released "Houses of the Holy". If you don't know, it was the band's 5th album and it was the first album that people suggested that Zeppelin went away from their 'traditional' sound. It was also the first album where every song was an original... which is probably why they deviated from 'their' sound. Anyway, it's a brilliant album. Here's a link:
OK, I'm outta here to check out Duff at the Moore.
Until tomorrow, move it like you groove it and STAY BEAUTIFUL!"
What's shakin'? Today is Monday, therefore we did the Monday Random Question, and with that, I just refuse to do the regular blog. Honestly, it would just require too much typing. I'm not very good at typing, nor is typing something that I particularly enjoy, yet here I am, the go- to guy for the blog. How did that come to pass? I ask myself that every day. That's a complete lie. I've never asked myself that question; I volunteered to do it.
So, a few things we learned today:
Women don't 'dye' their hair blonde, they 'bleach' it blonde. My apologies. Must have been thinking about all those 'natural' blondes who took the time to dye their pubes black.
If an old person buys KY Jelly, it's more likely that they have catheters or other medical 'inserts' than it is that they're having sex. Kinda good to hear, kinda sad.
We have one listener in Orem, Utah... and he's a 28- year- old virgin. To be fair, he's abstaining for religious purposes. I once went 17 years without sex... then I turned 18.
You can make money making household items out of duct tape... if your name is 'Athena'.
If you want to be an air traffic controller, you have to take a course in meteorology. If you want to be a meteorologist, you don't have to know sh*t about air traffic control.
Camel spiders are, in fact, spiders, not camels. Camel toes, however, have nothing to do with camels, and everything to with women who really shouldn't be wearing yoga pants.
Didn't learn much else. Is that because I'm smart or stupid?
Until tomorrow, beat your chest and STAY BEAUTIFUL!"
A woman in North Carolina just caught her husband cheating and naturally, she wanted some revenge. Did she sleep with his best friend? No. Did she buy a billboard calling him out? Yes she did. A woman in British Columbia also caught her husband cheating. She too, wanted revenge? Did SHE sleep with his best friend? Nope. Did she sell all of his crap at a yard sale? Yep. Thing about revenge is that very often, it's kinda funny and very often creative. That's what we wanted to hear about today: IF REVENGE IS A DISH BEST SERVED COLD, HOW DID YOU SERVE IT OR HOW WAS IT SERVED TO YOU?
I apologize for the lack of blog today, but frankly, it's my birthday so I feel justifiably lazy. It's probably no really that justifiable, but that's my excuse.
Not sure what I'm going to do tonight, but if I do it right, I'll have no recollection of it by tomorrow.
Bitches, have yourselves a fine weekend.
Until Monday, do what you do best and STAY BEAUTIFUL!"
The NCAA's "March Madness" is about to get into full- swing... but then, you know that already because you wasted time at work filling out your brackets. Anyway, one of the teams that will be competing in this year's tourney is St. Louis University. They are the #4 seed in the midwest region. Whatever. How did they find out? They saw the announcement on the multiple tv screens at a Best Buy store in New Jersey. In Huntsville, Alabama, a weekend news anchor at the FOX affiliate discovered that her boyfriend was proposing to her AS she read a "breaking news" report on the teleprompter. it said, quote, "FOX54 has just learned that a Huntsville news anchor is being proposed to on live TV right now." Then her boyfriend walked in and they lived happily ever after... until they get divorced 5 years from now. Just a ballpark guess there. On the other end of the spectrum, a woman who'd been married for 30 years was mourning her husband's death... only to discover that he'd divorced her 8 years earlier. Kinda funny... but sad I guess... but more funny. Anyway, all of us have been in a less- than- ideal place when we found out something important, and that is the basis of today's question: WHERE IS THE ODDEST PLACE YOU FOUND OUT IMPORTANT NEWS?
First call of the day may have been the best; she was masturbating but answered her phone anyway... found out her mother had died. She couldn't masturbate again for 10 months. True. It was the first time she'd ever told anyone the story and she happened be sitting there with her 23- year- old daughter who commented, "ewwww!" Priceless.
Was at a casino trying to enjoy himself, but his girl insisted on ruining the occasion by insisting that he'd given her an STD because he was cheating. He wasn't cheating and, as it turns out, she didn't have an STD, she had a yeast infection
Saw his girlfriend's daughter on Jerry Springer... never a good thing
Found out that his mother had suffered 'severe head injuries' while he was crapping... in a river
Was sitting on the toilet when his wife slipped her positive pregnancy test under the door
Was told that her son would be born with Down's Syndrome when she was one month pregnant... her kid was fine
At age 17, she went to the doctor for a spider bite... found out she was pregnant... her mother was there. On the bright side, she lived in Missouri, so being 17 and pregnant was no big deal
Found out that she was pregnant when she went to the doctor... to get birth control
Found out that she was getting divorced when she was introduced as the "ex- wife"... at her son's 1st birthday party
Learned that her sister had died... on Facebook
Quite a show today. Still hung up on masturbating and hearing about the death of a parent. Not funny, but funny... if it's not you... and it wasn't me... so funny.
We've all heard that stupid saying, "men are from Mars, women are from Venus", well, news flash, we're all from Earth, but yea, we're different on many, many levels. Between the folks at Cosmo and the virtual folks at eHarmony, we have a bunch of lists about the things that men do to annoy women and the things women do to annoy men. Nothing on the lists will shock you, as they're pretty general and very obvious, but when you're in a relationship, you accept the generalities and the obvious, it's the SPECIFIC stuff that drives you crazy or, in some cases, proves to be a deal- breaker. We also have another letter to "Dear Prudence" from a guy who loves his girlfriend of 3 years but is hesitant to propose because of one peculiar behavior.
Maybe your significant other chews with their mouth open, maybe they clip their toenails at the coffee table or maybe, just maybe, every time they yawn they sound like Tarzan. PAST OR PRESENT, WHAT LITTLE THING ABOUT YOUR SIGNIFICANT OTHER DROVE OR DRIVES YOU NUTS?
His wife takes of her shoes and leaves then in the middle of the floor or the middle of the hallway... he's constantly kicking them
An ex- girlfriend would always go on about how good or bad her ex's were in the sack... she never understood why he wasn't in the mood after her discussions
Wife will never take the trash out... just let's it fill up and overflow
He can't explain why it bothered him so much, but an ex- girlfriend of his would dip her Ranch Doritos in ranch dressing
She never puts anything back in the fridge and never closes the cupboards
She leaves her beer and/ or soda tops on the counter and never puts them in the trash
His current squeeze not only owns stuffed animals (red flag!) she TALKS to them! And no, she is not underage
His ex used to always go through his phone... why do women go through men's crap?
Wife uses the bathroom in the middle of the night, which is fine, but she never flushes the toilet, which is NOT fine
When he's on the phone, his wife corrects him or tells him what to say, so he always gets up and leaves the room. I always leave the room too, but only because I'm trying to be nice. I, personally, hate hearing people on the phone and assume everyone else feels the same
Her husband "always" has to poop right before they walk out the door to go somewhere... drives her nuts
His girlfriend hasn't initiated sex ONCE since they've been together. They've been together for 3 YEARS
Her husband puts his cigarette butts in his front pocket. One day he might experience berries flambé
Go ahead and review all of the answers from today. Chances are, you or your significant other are guilty of or responsible for at least 50% of everything listed above. Just know, whatever it is, you're not alone.
SIT AND SPIN
Jolene joined us today to remind us that we're old. See, today is the 30th anniversary of both Pink Floyd's "The Final Cut" (which was not their final cut, after all. "Division Bell" rocked, by the way) and ZZ Top's "Eliminator", which was a bad- ass game changer. Loved "Eliminator", but I can't believe it's been 30 Goddamn years.Check out Jolene's blog here
OK bitches, it's a wrap. I'm outta here.
Until tomorrow, watch what you want and STAY BEAUTIFUL!"
As we do every Monday, we asked our "Monday Random Question". As I do every Monday, I'm avoiding typing a blog about it. It's not that I don't want to share the answers from today, it's just too difficult and annoying to go through it all... which is code for 'I'm too lazy'.
Some things we did learn today:
Brown bears in Russia have taken to intentionally getting high on diesel fumes... to the point that they'll wait for helicopters to take off just too get a few drops of sweet, sweet diesel. These are not the same brown bears that'll wash your car.
One of our callers described his penis as looking like a chicken leg. Descriptive AND disturbing all at once
Sh*tting oneself is a reality at any moment. When you least expect it, expect, as they say.
It's possible to construct a penis from the skin on your forearm. My penis would have tattoos and Ted's would be abnormally and unnervingly hairy.
Bee stings to the vagina hurt exactly as much as you'd think. Ladies, don't pee on a bees nest when playing disc golf. You're welcome.
Grape vodka is not awesome... but we drink it because we have it.
There are not a lot of celebrities named Gabe. There's Gabe Kaplan, and then the trail gets cold.
Uma Thurman's boobs are as big as advertised.
There are men who actually think Lindsay Lohan is sexy... which is f**king ridiculous.
That's what WE learned. Hope you learned something.
I'm outta here.
Until tomorrow, Pope like you know how and STAY BEAUTIFUL!"
We all remember Super Bowl XXXVIII... not the game, but Janet Jackson's surprising unattractive boob popping out and being televised for exactly one half of one second. The half second changed the rules of broadcasting for the worse overnight. And, in spite of the JJ incident being a TELEVISION issue, radio took the brunt of the heat from the FCC. Seriously. It was the weirdest thing. It was like going to jail because your cousin committed a crime. Well, the FCC received "thousands" of complaints about the most recent Super Bowl. The major complaint was about Beyonce's half time show. Apparently, her performance was too sexually suggestive, blah, blah, blah. Aren't children, by their very existence, the most sexually suggestive things on earth? Pregnant women? Pretty sexually suggestive. Anyway, there were also complaints about some of the commercials, etc. In modern day America, it's almost impossible to do or say anything or have any opinion without someone complaining. With that in mind: WHAT COMPLAINT HAS BEEN LOBBED IN YOUR GENERAL DIRECTION?
In community college, his professor complained that he asked too many questions. Isn't that the point of college?
Worked at a gun shop in Oklahoma and had a crew cut... naturally, everyone assumed he was a racist
He was accused of rape... heavy complaint.
Worked at a movie box office and in walks Nirvana bassist Krist Novoselic... Krist complained that there was not enough lighting in the parking lot. When the guy pointed out that, as a ticket taker, he wasn't in any position to do much about the illumination of a parking lot, Krist threatened to sue him personally. Krist just might be a d*ck
Worked at a Taco Time as a cashier... people would constantly complain to her about the prices
Was an extra in the movie 'Pearl Harbor'... Ben Affleck complained about the hot and humid weather, but somehow, felt that the weather was the fault of this poor guy... who Ben mistook for Mother Nature
Worked in customer service... 'nuff said
Works at a casino and constantly hears complaints that the machines are rigged... as he pointed out, "DUH! IT'S A CASINO!"
Is a teacher... parents are always asking "why isn't my kid doing their homework?!?" It's amazing that you don't need a license to be a parent
Worked at a 7-11, the grave yard shift... a guy came in and complained that the bathroom was locked. He explained that people only go in there to use drugs. The customer responded, "Where else am I supposed to my crack?!?"
Worked at Wendy's in high school and a customer freaked out on them when prices went up... realized later (thanks to extensive news coverage) that the angry customer was Gary Ridgeway
OK bitches, the weekend is here, so I stay we get it started. Are we all in agreement? Cool.
Until Monday, do what you do best and STAY BEAUTIFUL!"
It used to be the "Dear Abby" column, syndicated to newspapers across the country, where anonymous people could ask advice for their personal problems. Now it's "Dear Prudence"... and like Abby before her, Prudence does the best she can to provide guidance to those who think they need it. Every- so- often, she HAS to ask herself, "why do I do this job?". Case- in- point, she recently fielded a question that asked, ina nutshell, "is it creepy to offer my dead wife's vibrator to someone else?"
Of course it's f**king creepy! The real victim in all of this is the poor girlfriend of the guy who's offering the vibrator. It just doesn't get more awkward than that. maybe it does. Today we wanted to hear your stories of personal discomfort; mom walked in on you masturbating? Farted during a prayer at a funeral? The ugly girl overheard you telling poeple just how ugly you thought she is. Today we wanted to know: WHAT WAS THE MOST AWKWARD SITUATION YOU'VE FOUND YOURSELF IN?
Made a joke about his friend's mom... who was standing behind him
Having sex with a woman when his father came home... and walked in to hand him a bag of candy
Moved to America from Mongolia (sooooo many Mongolians in America these days)... first friend he made happened to be a gay guy. Other people asked him if HE was gay. Looked up the definition ('happy') and said 'yes'. Things got weird
His awkward moment was when his friends outted him
First time she met her boyfriend's (now husband's) family, it was at Thanksgiving dinner. She was supposed to meet his brother, his aunt and his father. Basically, they sat around for awhile, but it was just his brother and 2 aunts. Finally asked where his dad was, and that's when she found out that his father was a transvestite and had been there the whole time
Just today, he had to give a group presentation; plugged his laptop into the projector and discovered that his brother had sabotaged his display and replaced it with granny porn from YouTube
Good: getting head while driving... Bad: getting pulled over by the police while getting head while driving Awkward: the cop who pulled you over is the uncle of the woman giving you head while you were driving
Told a woman, "calm down. I know you're pregnant." She wasn't pregnant
Had to hide in a closet after his girlfriend's mother came home unexpectedly... it was only awkward because after half an hour of hiding, her mother found him anyway
Cut school and went to his girlfriend's house to have sex. They were getting jiggy in the shower when the girl's prison guard dad came home... pulled him out of the shower by the hair, pinned him down and pulled a gun on him. After threatening to shoot him "in the f**king head!", he threw him out of the house (still naked)
Ok bitches... it's been awkward, so I'm outta here.
Until tomorrow, your pride has never been stolen, so STAY BEAUTIFUL!"
Last night in Lincoln City, Oregon, police stormed into a motel room and captured Michael Boyston, the jackass who killed his grandparents last Saturday in suburban Seattle. he'd just been released from prison and was greeted with a welcome home party. In return, he killed them and the manhunt was on. It didn't help that he'd threatened to kill law enforcement in ADDITION to more of his family members... it also didn't help that the Monroe Correctional Facility didn't offer up that little nugget of info until AFTER he'd killed his grandparents, but either way, the manhunt was on and he was found. Most of us remember Colton Harris- Moore, a.k.a., the 'Barefoot Bandit'. This kid was on the law from the authorities for quite a while, as he stole cars, boats, planes, etc, and even took pictures of himself doing it. Somehow, the American authorities we unable to track him down... but thanks to the police in the Bahamas, he was eventually taken into custody. The guy stole so many things from so many people, that in spite of being in jail for the last few years, they're STILL bringing charges against him. Last week, a guy formerly known as the "Sunset bandit" called into the show. He served his time for the seven banks the authorities KNOW he robbed, although we got the distinct feeling that he's responsible for more than that, but the feds know what they know. Anyway, the one thing they all have in common is that they were all chased down at some point. In honor of these folks, we asked: WHO WAS AFTER YOU... AND WHY?
Did a prank where he jumps out of a car and is chased... it was all fun and games until someone mistook it as a kidnapping... in spite of the fact that he was dressed like a banana
Homeland Security came after her and her boyfriend for taking pictures of trains. Actually, Homeland Security approached them because they were parked between railroad tracks having sex in a car, but the agent noticed the camera
Had to run from the cops and cop dogs... for breaking curfew
Was mistaken as the girlfriend of a Puerto Rican drug lord... was followed by multiple people asking her where their money was, where their drugs were, etc. Eventually it was all sorted out, but uncomfortable in the meantime.
Built a dry ice bomb (???) and threw it out the window of a college dorm. Multiple security forces swept the campus, but he was never caught
Took his buddy to buy a new pistol. Afterwards, they stopped at the bank to make a night deposit. Someone saw them with a gun and assumed the same thing any of us would and called the cops. The cops (and SWAT) met him at his house. After much explanation it was all cleared up.
Alright bitches, I'm done for the day.
Until tomorrow, slap my flapjacks and STAY BEAUTIFUL!"
The town of Bridgewater, New Jersey has a turkey vulture problem. See, the birds make Bridgewater home during the winter, leaving behind "foul smelling and acidic droppings on roof tops and lawns"... not unlike the average resident of Jersey of itself. Furthermore, and perhaps most importantly, the birds creep out the residents who live there. So, why not just shoot them, you ask? Because they're federally protected, I answer. In an effort to scare the birds away, the folks at the U.S. Department of Agriculture are helping the residents string up the carcasses of DEAD turkey vultures. The idea is that upon seeing their dead brothers strung upside down, the living birds will be scared away. I would be, if I walked into a town with hundreds of dead people hanging from trees, so I see what they're saying. Seems like a good solution. Depending on the problem, you can trust that someone has come up with their own solution or remedy. If you have the hiccups, there's no shortage of suggestions for how to get rid of them. There are a million ideas for how to prevent kids from swearing; wash their mouth out with soap, use hot sauce, or the ill- advised 'swear jar'. I say 'ill- advised' because most little kids I know do not have a job, so the only money they can give you is YOURS. Weak. Anyway, everyone has a secret or a remedy for something, and today we asked you to fill- in- the- blank: HERE'S MY SECRET FOR PREVENTING _______________.
Not a lot of answers today, but here are some of the things we 'learned' (???) today:
For a headache, massage the pressure point between your thumb and your index finger
According to a sailor, a quick puff of weed will help with sea sickness
Back to the world of headaches; apparently ginger root is a surefire cure
According to a lovely young woman, if you have dry skin, use pure coconut oil... not only will your skin heal, but the smell should attract fire ants. She didn't say this part... I just added that.
When his allergies hit, he mixes 1/16th a teaspoon of wasabi with a half cup of water... in 15 minutes, he feels better
Need to cure a hangover? You now you do... pot brownies. I don't know; THC and alcohol make me feel worse, but that's just me.
Moist Copenhagen snuff on a bee sting or mosquito bites will make the pain or the welt go away
That was pretty much what we got today. I don't know if any of this works, as my go- to for pretty much everything is either weed or beer. Seriously. I've that, when done at the right times, either one can help in a pinch.
SIT AND SPIN:
Dave Grohl has spent the last few years putting together and movie called 'Sound City'... a documentary about the legendary recording studio. The movie is really, really good... if you love music history, and just plain cool if you don't. Anyway, the accompanying soundtrack f**king rips, and Jolene played us a few clips from it. The tune "Can't to Can" is a monster f**king jam. Here's a link:
OK bitches, I'm outta here. Forgot there was a f**king Sounders game tonight! Goddammit to Hell!
Until tomorrow, you are cool, you are the breeze, so STAY BEAUTIFUL!"
Sunday morning/ Saturday night before you go to bed, we'll all partake in the antiquated and woefully stupid practice known as Daylight's Savings Time. It hasn't served a purpose since electricity became the norm, but here we are. In case you don't know, clocks will move forward one hour. Thing is, this is an INVOLUNTARY hour loss. All of us have had bad moments, and if we could lose an hour THAT, we would... instead, we're stuck remembering. Today we asked you to think back to the 60 minutes of your life that you'd like to make disappear: IF THERE WAS ONE HOUR OF YOUR LIFE THAT YOU COULD ERASE, WHAT WOULD IT BE... AND WHY?
The hour that his tattoo artist spent working on his ankle
Would like to erase the hour when he had to confront his father after getting busted having sex on the water bed. You should also know that he and his then- girlfriend had spread butter all over the mattress (???), so they were shiny
Had to hold his 4- year- old step-daughter down while she got stitches IN HER FACE... she was bitten by a half dog/ half wolf mix. Why do people own those things?
Had to sit with lawyers for a paternity suit on a kid... wasn't his kid
Was having sex in a tent and realized that someone was watching him. The guy was eating potato chips (Barbeque Lays, if you care) and finally started to 'boo' the performance and throw chips at him.
In elementary school, he decided to not eat his packed lunch for awhile (we don't know why) so he'd bring his sandwiches home and hide them behind the bed (again, we don't know why), but when his parents discovered his cache of uneaten sandwiches, he blamed his younger brother... who got his lit up. He said he felt so bad about it that he really wished he could have taken back. We asked him why he didn't just fess it up to it at the time if he felt so bad. Turns out, he didn't feel THAT bad about it
Visited a friend at WSU one weekend... got super drunk and super stoned and ended up sh*tting himself in the dorm kitchen
Would like the hour back that he had a "Devil's 3- way" with his buddy and his buddy's pregnant wife. Damn.
Made out with the HR woman at the office Christmas party... ended up losing his job, not because he kissed her, but because he picked a fight with a co-worker who giving his sh*t about kissing her
Used to date a doctor, but they broke up. After the brake- up, he played the field (it was big field) and got himself a case of gonorrhea. Naturally, he went to the clinic... the doctor was his ex
OK bitches, I'm ready to start my weekend... so I'm gonna, but first, read this from our friend Jarrah. (It involves chicken dip)
Until we meet again, do what you do best and STAY BEAUTIFUL!"
Last week in Massachusetts, a guy decided to steal two cans of tall- boy cans of Pabst Blue Ribbon beer. He chose to hide them down the front of his pants, which, as you might guess, brought him some unwanted attention. In fact, the cashier asked him about his abnormally large bulge and he told her, "it's my penis". Problem is, one of the cans had slid down to his ankle, so, you know. Long story short, he was arrested. Not to be outdone, a woman in Oklahoma was arrested after a drug- sniffing dog indicated that she was carrying. Sure enough, police found meth lodged between her butt cheeks. But wait... there's more. They also found a LOADED .22 caliber handgun hidden in her mossy cottage, her velvet canoe... her pork biscuit. That's (disgusting) dedication to hiding your contraband. Whether you're a teen hiding your porn from your parents, a college kid hiding your bong from the cops or a woman hiding the price tags from your new clothes from your husband, today's question is: WHAT DID YOU HIDE, WHERE DID YOU HIDE IT AND WHO WERE YOU HIDING IT FROM?
His porn in the woods... was never able to find it again. why do so many people hide porn in the woods? How many people j*rk off in the woods? "That ain't sap!"
Would hide his porn in his WIFE'S old purses... don't know how he wasn't caught, but he wasn't caught
To avoid paying the excessive taxes at airport customs, he hid 8 full- sized bottles of tequila in his backpack
She was a "bit" of a drunk when she first got married, so she'd hide her mini bottles of Jack Daniels in her tampon boxes... GUARENTEEING that her husband wouldn't find them.
At the airport, his wife his a half ounce of weed in her panty liner... this was before the age of x- ray scanners
As a child, he'd hide his skid- mark stained underwear under his bed. If I did that I would have had no laundry
His Vicodin in his sock drawer, but his mother found them. Word to the wise; don't 'hide' anything in your sock drawer
Hid weed in a lamp... his girlfriend turned the lamp on when he wasn't home and the weed smoldered for hours. She didn't notice... but he did. Lost his weed
Got detained with a bunch of pills at the border. They put him in an interrogation room... he promptly hid them in a potted plant in the room. Clever
Made it safely through airport security by hiding 'shrooms under his hat
Used to hide weed in his Play Station when he lived with his parents
Was being detained by the co0ps, so he hid some coke in his butt crack... by the time he could get to it, it had melted
Comedian Neil Brennan, who will be at the Tacoma Comedy Club tonight, tomorrow and Saturday, joined us in studio today. This is our second time hanging out with the guy and he is a funny, funny man.
OK bitches, I'm outta this place.
Until tomorrow, we're insane but not alone, so STAY BEAUTIFUL!"
So, a listener of ours, Josh Bisallion, sent us an email asking us if we could give him a special shout- out today during the shot of the day... and the short answer is, 'no'. However, we ARE using his email as the inspiration for the Question of the Day. You see, after serving 8 years in the Army, including 3 deployments, Josh is done with the service as of today. Obviously, he's happy to have his service days behind him. All of us have something that we had to do or had to put up with that we're more than happy to never have to do again. For me, it was high school. Hated every second of every day, but I made it to graduation and washed my hands of it. Never been happier... except when I divorced my ex- wife. Imagine having a three- way with Mila Kunis and Kate Upton, only to find out that you've won the Powerball. That's what it felt like when that divorce was finalized... only better. School and bad relationships are obvious, but anyone who's had an extended stay in a hospital... or jail (a.k.a. 'prison'), or had to sit through some mandated silliness like 'sensitivity' training... or even sat through a movie like 'The Notebook', can answer this question: WHAT DID YOU ENDURE THAT YOU'RE HAPPY TO BE DONE WITH?
Her mother recently died and she is "extremely sad about that"... but points out that the 'silver lining' is that she never, ever has to deal with her mother's boyfriend again. She even added "woohoo!"
No longer 'the fat kid'... was 225 pounds in FIFTH GRADE... got up to 340 pounds in high school. Down to about 220 now as an adult
Got hit by a car when he was 11- years- old... had 7 surgeries, 4 pins and about a full year and a half of recovery before getting back to normal
As a health nut, he decided to be a 'raw food vegetarian' (a.k.a. 'fool') and finally succumbed to the power of a supreme pizza after three months.
Endured kidney stones for 2 months... said it was excruciating to have them and more excruciating to pass them
Had 28 days in inpatient treatment for opiate addiction... clean for 79 days now... much to the chagrin of big pharma, I'm sure
He did 6 years in prison... granted, he robbed 7 banks (he was known as the 'sunset bandit') but did 6 years. He was a bit evasive on the phone (for good reason) but we're thinking he robbed more than 7. His line was, "I was charged for seven", anytime we asked about how many he actually robbed.
Worked as a 'rough neck' on an oil rig for 2 years... misses the 6- figure paycheck, but not the job
Ended up doing 11 months in prison for felony assault.. the rub is that he took the fall for his brother who was on probation at the time
Had to go to 'straight camp'... at age 17, his adoptive parents correctly guessed that he was gay, so they sent him to 'straight camp'. Some of their techniques to "cure" gay folks was to physically abuse them, but more than that, they used electric shock 'therapy'. He managed to escape with 2 others, made across the country (the 'camp' was in Arizona and he made it to an aunt's in Ohio) and is now living as himself. Un- f**king- believable.
I'll leave you with that for the day.
Until tomorrow, people are people, so STAY BEAUTIFUL!"
This past weekend, Seattle police headed to a park called Llandover Woods Green space (on the border with Shoreline) and seized, and inexplicably, DESTROYED 40 to 45 pot plants. In spite of the state's vote to legalize marijuana, it's still not legal to publicly cultivate it. Fair enough, but what bothers us is that someone stumbled upon it and REPORTED it to the cops. I admit that none of us on this show are model citizens, but if any of US had found a public grow operation, the cops would have been the last people we'd call. Anyway, someone found the pot and called 'the man'. There ARE times to call the cops... like when you stumble upon a dead body. Case- in- point, 31 years ago today, John Belushi was found dead in his hotel room. Sure, a speedball will do that, but everyone who had been partying with him that night (and morning) bailed, and it was his personal trainer, Bill "Superfoot" Wallace who stumbled upon Belushi's body. These stories bring us to today's question: WHAT DID YOU STUMBLE UPON OR STUMBLE INTO... AND THEN WHAT HAPPENED?
Away we go:
Came home to his new roommate having a seizure. We're not sure what happened yet, but that's not cool
A threesome... they didn't really 'stumble into it', they were spying... and got chased away by a naked lady who'd been participating
Came across a dog that had been hit by a car and left in the road... he blocked traffic, wrapped the dog up in a towel and after the dog was done biting the piss out of his hands, he made it to the vet to both help the dog and get rabies shots
Came home to his mother in the hot tub with his math teacher... the night of the parent/ teacher conference
Found a firework, played with it and blew a finger off
Walked in on his sister having sex with 2 guys... neither of whom was her husband (who was overseas at the time). To explain the position they were in, it was akin to the letter H. She would be the crossbar. The caller explained that they took the shape of an A when the guys high- fived. That position is called the Eiffel Tower
Went to a goldmine... ended up under a graveyard
Works as a realtor in Seattle... went to some foreclosed property and discovered 2 women having sex in the basement
Found a backpack full of drugs at a Taco Bell... apparently, some 'hippie' types left it when they were done eating
SIT AND SPIN
If you like Jimi Hendrix, you'll love today's Sit and Spin. New release... yes, 'new', and, like I said, if you like my man Jim- may- may, you will really like this. here's the link:
Until tomorrow, send me a million dollars and STAY BEAUTIFUL!"
Today is Monday, and as we do on Monday's we asked our Monday Random Question. As I explain each week, it's kinda hard to translate it to a blog, so I just don't. However, some things we discovered:
-Thee Ted Smith's claims of being a psychic might not be entirely true. We can't disprove it, but he's yet to get anything right.
-There's a guy whose dating a girl who will be his step- sister this coming April. More disturbing (from our point of view) is that their parents were dating first
-Any guy who begins a sentence with the words, "I told my woman...!", rarely says anything good after that.
-It would be difficult to have sex with a woman who shaves the silhouette of Mickey Mouse's ears into her nether regions
-In spite of any 'hype' about a possible Marky Mark and the Funky Bunch reunion, no one knows who the f**k was in the Funky Bunch.
-On that note, we would NOT see the Funky Bunch without Marky Mark (or WITH) but we would watch Wind and Fire without Earth
-Seeing a man in yoga pants cannot be unseen
THE BLUE DART
So, for the last two years I've been working on an inane, pointless, entirely unnecessary but rather entertaining scripted comedy called The Blue Dart. No, no, not a TV show, but a podcast. It should be released within the next few days, and when it is, I'll tell you all about it. Been working on it with Travis Bundy (from Creator's Edge Press) and we're excited to unleash our our personal brand of absurdity upon you. So, keep an ear out for it and let us know what you think.
OK, I'm out!
Until tomorrow, party like it's 1999 and STAY BEAUTIFUL!"
Maybe you heard, maybe you didn't, but a man outside Tampa, Florida went missing this morning. The thing is, everyone kinda knows where he is, but they can't get to him. See, the guy was sleeping in his bedroom when A GINAT SINKHOLE OPENED UNDER HIS BEDROOM and swallowed him up. Seriously. The sinkhole, estimated to be 30 feet across at the surface and 100 FEET ACROSS below the surface, opened under his bedroom while he slept... and that was it. Gone. A lot of people go to bed stressed about what they have to face the following day, or still deep in thought about what happened earlier, but most of us don't worry too much about what's gonna happen to us WHILE we sleep. We lock our doors, turn off the lights and take solace in the idea that the earth won't eat us... and for some of us, that is the wrong assumption. Every- so- often, something weird happens to us or around us while we sleep and all we can do is try to make sense of it when we wake up: I'LL NEVER FORGET THE TIME I WOKE UP TO ___________.
Discovered a raccoon in her shower... at least it was sanitary
A bear sniffed around her tent for 20 minutes
One of the pet snakes he was watching bit him in the face while he slept
Woke up drowning... had a California King size waterbed... it sprung a leak and by the time he woke up, he was under water
Woke up in his bed... covered with carpenter ants
She woke up right after the car plowed into her bedroom
Woke up to what he thought was an explosion, so he grabbed his gun and went investigating... found nothing. His wife explained that the noise that had woken him up was his own fart. Damn, man. I mean, damn.
Living in a tent on a beach (don't ask) woke up to what they thought were partying kids... it was 400 pound Sea Lion
In college, he woke up with a couple having sex next to him
Woke up when he heard his pet chickens being attacked by raccoons
Was camping with the Boy Scouts when a tree fell next to his tent
Lived a few doors away from an assisted living facility... one morning, a patient entered their home and climbed into bed with 3- year- old sister. Dad, who was naked, wrestled the guy out of the house
OK bitches, I'm outta here. Enjoy your weekend. If, by chance, you'll be at the Emerald City Comic Con, come find me. I'll be there promoting a 2- tear- in- the- making project, The Blue Dart. Myself and Travis Bundy (comic book artist and writer at Creater's Edge Comics) have been working on this thing and it's finally (kind of) ready to launch. It's a scripted podcast featuring the exploits of a very crny and silly super hero we call The Blue Dart. It is silly, it is absurd and we're hoping you like it. I'll have more details later, but if you have any interest, check out www.biggcityonline.com. There's not much info there, but you'll get an idea.
Anyway, I'm out!
Until Monday, do what you do best and STAY BEAUTIFUL!"