Posts from April 2013

SHOW # 1710 APRIL 30 2013
Yesterday, 12- year- NBA veteran and current player Jason Collins became the first openly gay male player in the four major American sports when he came out yesterday.  Personally, we don't care, but in the homophobic world of sports, admitting that you're gay is news... at least it is for Collins because he's the first to do so.  Whatever.  Good for him.  'People' magazine, inexplicably, named Gwyneth Paltrow 'the Most Beautiful Woman in Hollywood'... narrowly beating out Joan Rivers and Rosie O'Donnell, I suppose.  Whether you think Gwyneth is beautiful or not, most people agree that she gives off an extremely pretentious, uppity and silver- spoon vibe... and THAT'S why we were shocked to learn that when it comes to grooming her nether regions, she just lets it go... or, as she said on the "Ellen" show, "I work a 70's vibe.  You know what I mean?"  Yea, baby, we know what you mean.  And then there's actress Catherine Zeta Jones who admitted that she's bi- polar.  Not sure why that qualified as interesting, but I guess it's because she's an actress.  Who knows?  But, as far as getting TRULY shocking news, few people can top the British guy who, after almost 20 years of marriage, found that the woman he loved used to be a man.  Every- so- often, the monotony of our lives gets bitch- slapped and shaken up when we find out something we never expected:  WHAT DID SOMEONE TELL YOU THAT BLEW YOUR MIND?
Got shot in the arm while serving in Afghanistan, which isn't terrible shocking... he didn't KNOW it until a medic told him
One of his former friends once shared the story of the time she INTENTIONALLY swerved her car to HIT pedestrian... and left him for dead
Found that his nephew had been shooting heroin for the past 3 years... to his nephew's credit, he confessed to it
Had his mind blown when his ex called to mention that she'd tested HIV positive... turned out to na false positive
Friend of 25 years just told him that he was getting a sex- change operation
Found out his mom was married before being married to his dad... he only found out because he intercepted one of the letters that the guy was STILL sending his mom.  The guy was serving life in prison for murder
His adopted cousin had a two year sexual relationship with his birth sister... to this day, neither of them know
Her daughter's boyfriend told her that he was transgender
Was at sea for 11 months when one of the guys on the ship discovered that his wife had just had a baby.  Do the math
Her husband of 8 years asked her if she'd be interested in swinging... she said sure, met another guy and got together with him on a permanent basis... he first husband committed suicide as a result
Actually listened to some new music today... something we rarely do.  Here's the link
OK bitches, I'm outta here.
Until tomorrow, shuck it and STAY BEAUTIFUL!"
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SHOW # 1709 APRIL 29 2013
Today was the Monday Random Question, so, as always, I'm gonna avoid explaining all of that.  Instead, I'll share whatever we happened to learn today.
Even people who live in 'Tornado Alley' are more terrified of rednecks than Mother Nature.
NBA Commissioner David Stern is a douche
It's possible to have freckles on the palm of your hand
There is a person who has a phobia of flour
If you're paralyzed from the waist down, you don't actually know when you're gonna poop or fart... it just happens
'Lascivious' means 'inclined to lustfulness or arousing sexual desire'.  We wondered how you get charged for lude AND lascivious behavior.  Now we know
Have you ever masturbated while you were on your knees?  Ted has... in a corner... on his balcony... at 4 in the morning
This past Saturday night, myself and Ryan Castle provided a little rhythm section action for our pals in Windowpane, while Kyyle from Superfecta, provided some vocals.  If you're interested, here's a video of us doing
Man in the Box.

OK bitches, I'm outta here.
Until tomorrow, get off your knees and STAY BEAUTIFUL!”
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Topics: Human Interest
People: David Stern

SHOW # 1708 APRIL 26 2013
The Jackson family; father Joe used to physically abuse the sons that made up the Jackson 5, Jermaine, the second oldest son, started having a relationship with younger brother Randy's ex-girlfriend after he divorced his second (of 4) wife.  They had 3 kids together, in addition to the three kids she'd already had with Randy.  Janet Jackson almost single- handedly set television and radio broadcasting back 50 years (seriously) after her surprisingly ugly nipple was visible for exactly one half of one second on live TV, and then there's Michael... accusations of pedophilia and confirmations of out- of- this- world weirdness followed the King of Pop everywhere... deservedly so... and in spite of all this, it's sister LaToya who has the ability to make the family cringe when she opens her bizarre mouth.  Most recently, she admitted that she's been consulting a psychic (and why wouldn't she?) and what she discovered is that Michael is watching over his kids from the great beyond... and, according to LaToya, he's doing it while tap dancing.  Seriously.  In honor of LaToya, and her ability to make even one of the most ridiculous families look more ridiculous, we wanted to know:  WHAT FAMILY MEMBER MAKES YOUR FAMILY LOOK BAD?
His family in Louisiana... as he says; political views aside, their response to anyone who disagrees with anything they say is "f**k you!".  Although, being that they're from Louisiana, I imagine they say, "f**k you... ah, ah, ah!"
His brother... used to get drunk and fight anyone for any reason... he's since sobered up and only fights family members.  Baby steps
His grandmother is currently dating her own step- brother
Toss up between his alcoholic father or his mother, who married his sister's drug dealer
His cousin... 4 kids by 3 different women.  No diploma, no GED, collects welfare and child support
Although his  cousin is 24 now, he first went to rehab at 12... it didn't work and he hasn't changed his ways
Her... she's a self- professed bitch, drunk and slut.  Don't know about you, but I like her
Her Aunt Frances... 7 kids with 6 different men (impressive), she's on Welfare, and three of her seven kids got pregnant between the ages of 13 and 15
His entire family makes the entire family look bad
His mother was in the Hitler Youth in Germany... then again, so was the last Pope
OK bitches, the weekend is upon us.  If you're not doing anything tomorrow night, come down to Studio 7 in SoDo and check out Windowpane.  Castle and I will be playing a few songs with them.  Love playing and Glenn from Windowpane is the f**king man.  Should be awesome, and Studio 7 is my kinda joint.
Until Monday, do what you do best and STAY BEAUTIFUL!"
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Topics: Human Interest
Locations: Louisiana
People: Janet JacksonJermaineJoeLaToyaRandy

SHOW # 1707 APRIL 25 2013
Justin 'the Biebs' Bieber, on his current tour, has had two occasions where he tried to hide something from authorities... and has failed both times. In Germany, authorities confiscated his pet monkey, and more recently, in Sweden, a small amount of 'narcotics' was removed from his tour bus.  Of the two things he's had to surrender, he only wants one of them back... and it's not the monkey.  Speaking of hiding things; during yesterday's 'Shot of the Day', we toasted a guy in New York City who got busted for stealing an iPhone 5... after police heard his butt ringing.  Yea, he'd hidden it in his rectum, but the owner called and his ass rang.  Hiding things in your posterior blowhole is nothing new, of course, as drug mules have been stuffing balloons full of heroin (and other assorted goodies) for years.  More recently, a guy was busted for trafficking marijuana (55 pounds worth), when cops found his stash in a full- size pac- Man game.  Police probably got suspicious when the guy tried to convince them that people still play Pac- Man.  Original idea, but not good enough.  Everyone has hidden something... but the bad part is when that thing you're hiding is found.  WHAT WERE YOU HOPING NO ONE WOULD FIND... 'TIL THEY FOUND IT?
Was growing weed in his closet as a teen... he went out of town and came back to discover that his mother had found his grow operation; probably because it was in his closet
Had hidden a pipe in his backyard when he was 15... everything went well until his dad went to install a new fence and had to dig up the yard
Her mother found her $300 bong, her ounce of weed and her pack of cigarettes... like any parent, her mom freaked, but her freak out was amplified because the were 'strict Mormon'
Kept all the 'sexy' pictures of the women he'd been with before his wife... his wife found the pictures
Had the misfortune of opening a closet and discovering their stash of anal lube.  At that moment he learned a lot about mom... or maybe dad
Tried to hide the fact that he was a virgin... the woman he was with figured it out when they started having sex
Had a collection of JC Penny's catalogs in his closet when he was 10... it was all about the bra section
His step- mother found a massive collection of his girlfriend's sex toys when he was 18
He left his pocket p*ssy in the shower... his mother found it.  Awkward
Sh*t!  Got distracted by the NFL draft.  My bad.  Gotta go, bitches.
Until tomorrow, rock, roll and STAY BEAUTIFUL!"
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Locations: New York City

SHOW # 1706 APRIL 24 2013
I love my hometown of Baltimore, but I'll never lie to you and tell you that it's home to the world's brightest or most stand- up people.  It's not.  case- in- point, authorities just broke up a major gang operation inside a local prison that involved about 25 people.  That's not really news though.  The part that blew our mind is that the ring leader was an inmate... who fathered 4 children... while locked up... with 4 different female prison guards.  That's disturbingly impressive.  Granted, that doesn't touch the legendary Wilt Chamberlin, who had upwards of 20,000 different sexual partners.  Then again, it's alleged that Fidel Castro had 35,000 sexual partners.  I believe it's a pair of male, Dutch prostitutes who hold the world record, however, with each one over 100,000 partners.  Maybe you're not promiscuous and, as best you can, you abide by the law, but the average person breaks the law 260 times a year!  Ever heard of Tsutomu Yamaguchi?  Put it this way; only two cities (Hiroshima and Nagasaki) have ever been destroyed by an atomic bomb... and Tsutomu was in BOTH cities when they were bombed.  He survived.  Oh, and the average person spends 3 years of their life sitting on the toilet... excluding masturbation.  Sure, all of these points seem random and disconnected, but they inspired today's question:  GOOD OR BAD, WHAT DO YOU THINK YOU'VE DONE MORE THAN MOST PEOPLE... AND WHAT WOULD YOU GUESS THAT NUMBER IS?
Has robbed more banks than anyone he knows... has also served time for robbing those banks.  That's the not- so- awesome part
Back when he 'dipped', he'd go through 5 cans of Grizzly A DAY... and that might have something to do with why he no longer chews
Takes insulin 6-8 times a day... for the last 15 YEARS
Believes he's been rejected by more women than anyone else
Caught a 42 pound salmon, biggest of the day, and made $2500 for it
Has crashed his ATV about 20 times
After years of working security, he's been in over 600 fights... and yes, he counted, but lost count at 600
Has corrected more people than anyone he knows... says he 'just can't help it' and doesn't know why he does it.  Well, he CAN help it and, chances are, he does it because he's an a**hole
At age 23, he's owned about 60 cars
Has broken the same arm SEVEN times
After a 30 year career as a clown (yes, a clown) he's blown up more balloons (by mouth) than most people.  He explained to us that back in "the day", before these current- day clowns, one of the things you had to be able to do was blow up a balloon with your lungs... none of this pump crap!
OK bitches, I've got some more Blue Dart production to get to (for your listening pleasure in the very, very near future... and you'll love it) and then, along with the Drunk in Charge (Ryan Castle) I have a little band practice tonight because castle and I will be closing out the show with local rock juggernauts, Windowpane, on Saturday night at Studio 7.  You should come down and check it out... not for me and Castle, but for Windowpane... they f**king ROCK!
Until tomorrow, wash away the rain and STAY BEAUTIFUL!"
Has moved 45 times in his life

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SHOW # 1705 APRIL 23 2013
This past weekend, a guy named John Hartly, from Lake Stevens, earned his THIRD DUI... after crashing into several cars on I-5... with his two young daughters in the back.  To be fair, he was so high, he thought he was dreaming.  That might explain why he wasn't wearing any pants.  Just keep in mind, this was his THIRD DUI.  Not to be outdone, a couple in Philadelphia is facing "possible" charges after their SECOND CHILD IN FOUR YEARS DIED because they prefer the faith to medical attention.  Granted, the Bible clearly states that the pursuit of medicine over prayer is a sin, but, like so many other parts of the Bible, feel free to ignore that part.  Nevertheless, they follow the Bible to a 't' (real Christians?) so they decided to pray for their child's recovery instead of going to the doctor.  And then there's Lindsay Lohan, who proves that if you're a celebrity (even a talentless one... good news, Kardashians!) you're given multiple opportunities to continue being worthless.  Since 2005, "LiLo(life)" has has 22 run- ins with the law.  But hey, if you're not gonna punish her, what do you expect?  Sure, these are extreme examples, but all of us have gotten away with or continue to get away with something we know we shouldn't do.  I smoke, but I don't have cancer, so I continue to smoke.  Stuff like that.  WHAT MADE YOU STOP YOUR BAD BEHAVIOR OR WHAT BAD BEHAVIOR DO YOU CONTINUE?
Stopped stealing cars (and motorcycles) when he was 15... parents caught him and drove him straight to juvenile detention.  Spent 4 days locked up, came out feeling differently about things
Got really bad pneumonia (instead of the awesome kind) and had to quit drinking... for a while
Regardless of occasionally getting busted, he continues to turn his head to check the asses of women hot enough to warrant a peek
Used to smoke, but then he lost his job (for budget reasons, not for smoking) and couldn't justify spending the money, so he quit cold- turkey
Used to smoke weed as a teen, but his dad, a county sheriff, caught him and he immediately quit... until he moved out.  Now he's smoking it again
Stopped using drugs... his heart developed problems and he developed resptory issues
Quit drinking and driving after crashing his friend's car... in front of a cop
Used to be a "TOTAL drunk/ whore" (her words) but stopped when she was Baptized.  She won't even go an R- rated movie, BUT, she still listens to us (which I would think is far more precarious than an R- rated movie) as her 'guilty pleasure'.  Just make a pleasure and f**k the guilt
Loves her vibrator, but her (ridiculously insecure) husband doesn't approve... but when he goes outta town, she and her shaky orgasm- maker get reacquainted
It's Tuesday, so Jolene joined us for another rousing edition of 'Sit and Spin', and decided to treat us to the top 12 karaoke songs.  I'm not a karaokier, nor do have much appreciation for being subjected to the average person's vocal stylings while I'm trying to enjoy a drink WITHOUT chills running up and down my spine, BUT, karaoke is a thing and we're all familiar with it.  If it seems like every time you hear karaoke it's, more or less, the same songs over and over, there's a reason for that. 
Here's a link:
Ok bitches, I've got some madness to attend to (in the form of the Blue Dart podcast I've been working on) so I bid you adieu.
Until tomorrow, just do what needs to be done and STAY BEAUTIFUL!"

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Locations: Philadelphia
People: John HartlyJoleneLindsay Lohan

SHOW # 1704 APRIL 22 2013
As is the case every Monday, we did our Random Question... and as I do every Monday, I'm not even gonna attempt to go through it here, so instead, I'll offer up some of the things we learned today:
Reese Witherspoon, who is widely regarded as "an American sweetheart" is, in fact, a spoiled, self- entitled Hollywood elitist. 
It's, seemingly, possible to fart at a temperature of 1200 degrees.  Science would dispute this, but my anus feels differently.
Women in England are spending upwards of $1800 for two hour "cosmetic procedure" to darken their nipples.  Seriously.  Thing is, the 'cosmetic procedure' is just a tattoo.  At a tattoo studio, equipped with a tattoo ARTIST, the same procedure would cost about $120.  Just because you're vain doesn't mean you need top be an idiot.  If you want a tattoo, go to a tattoo artist. 
Talking about showering makes you a "pu**y".  Found out today.
OK, outta here, bitches.
Until tomorrow, do yo thang and STAY BEAUTIFUL!"

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People: Reese Witherspoon

SHOW # 1703 APRIL 19 2013
A nationwide survey on drug use revealed what drugs people have tried at some point in their life and, assuming you don't wear rose- colored glasses, none of the finding are too surprising.  99% of us have tried alcohol... by far the highest percentage on the survey... while 52% of us have tried cocaine, including 34% of us in the last 12 months.  On that note, America, commonly called the 'land of the free' happens to have the highest rate of incarceration (thank you, drug war!) on Earth.  743 people per every 100,000 are currently in jail.  That's about 2.3 million people (at approximately $24,000 a year).  To put this in perspective, understand that America makes up about 5% of the world's population but about 25% of the world's inmates are right here in 'Merka.  On a lighter note, of all the people who've had sex, 95% of us had pre- marital sex.  In an unscientific study, only 7% of us have had POST marital sex.  Anyway, drugs, booze, prison, sex, whatever:  LOOKING BACK, I'M PRETTY SURE THE MOMENT I LOST MY INNOCENCE WAS WHEN __________ HAPPENED?
Started doing meth at 13... got into heavy at 17
Had to tell her dad she was pregnant when she was 20
Lost his virginity at age 6 to his 10- year- old neighbor.
Was "peer pressured" into trying cocaine and went on a drug bender for the next 5 years
First tried pot at 12- years- old
When he was 14, he saw 'Basic Instinct' and his world view changed
Discovered his brother's porn collection at age 7
Lost his innocence when he discovered 'search engines' on the internet... meaning, when he discovered porn
On his 24th birthday, his girlfriend brought 13 of her stripper friends over to teach one of them the ins and outs of 'oral performance'... using him as a prop
Like a lot of people, he lost his innocence when he discovered masturbation... the thing is, he didn't discover masturbation until he was 17!
At age 7, he found out that his father smoked weed
He was busy being a 4.0 student and athlete... then he discovered weed!  Contrary to what you're thinking, he maintained his 4.0 and his sports
At a house party at age 16, he found a door... to his father's SEX DUNGEON!  Jiggity!  Not sure how I'd feel about that.
OK bitches, the weekend is here and I'm ready to crack this bitch open.  Plan on drinking throughout Greenwood tomorrow night. 
You're sexy and you know it, so until Monday, do what you do best and STAY BEAUTIFUL!"

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SHOW # 1702 APRIL 18 2013
Are you familiar with the group known as 'One Million Moms'?  In a nutshell, they're a group of sexually repressed women who've created what amounts to the 'fun police' of broadcast.  Put it this way, if it's more cutting edge than, say, "Little House on the Prairie", they're likely to be offended.  Instead of simply not watching or listening to things they don't like, they go on the offensive to have these things cancelled because they believe that (a) they know what's right for you and (b) you should not have the ability to make decisions for yourself.  Yea, they're one of 'those' groups.  They've protested Spencer's Gifts because they sell adult novelty gifts... to adults.  They protested Claire's (a jewelry and accessories place because they sold 'Fifty Shades of Gray' iPhone cases.  They complained to the FCC because they heard an f- bomb during the Super Bowl (a LIVE SPORTING event), they've protested ABC because of the show "666 Park Avenue" because the address was 666. they protested NBC for the comedy "The New Normal" because it features a gay couple, they've protested Ragu spaghetti sauce, Skittles, Oreo cookies, etc, etc, etc.  Their latest target is K- Mart because K- Mart created a funny commercial.   Oh my.  Well, the One Million Moms aren't the only group of lunatics and self- righteous idiots looking for a problem that doesn't exist.  In this world... COUNTRY... of rampant 'political correctness', certain home builders are now referring to the master bedroom as the 'owner's suite'.  Why?  Apparently, in 2013, 'master' now recalls slavery or misogyny.  (face palm).  Today's question:  WHAT DID YOU DO TO UNINTENTIONALLY OFFEND SOMEONE?
Met a woman at a festival and called her 'precious', as in, cute... problem was, it was fat black chick and the movie "Precious" had just come out
Had a Jewish girl over for a dinner date... he made pork
Was making fun of the name Martha to his girlfriend... her dead mother's name was Martha
Worked security at a NAVY base and had to check ID's... commented that woman looked like a crack head; his partner pointed out that the 'crack head' was his wife
Once told someone that their accent was 'beautiful'.  Turns out that they didn't have an accent, they had a speech impediment as the result of a stroke
His wife is Chinese, and the two of them went to get Chinese take out... the food got cold on the way home, so he suggested that they should reheat the food when they got home, but what he said was, "We should nuke the Chinese".
Was buying artichokes today at a market and commented, "look at those fatties"... he meant the artichokes, not the fat dude who was unloading them
Customer was having a difficult time explaining what he was looking for, so our caller, playfully, said, "spit it out!".  The customer said, "s- s- s- sorry."  Ooh.
Told a dead baby joke... 2 weeks after his OWN SISTER had a still birth.  Still feels bad
OK bitches, I'm outta here.  Babysitting duty tonight, as the wife goes to see Prince.
Until tomorrow, just touch it and STAY BEAUTIFUL!"

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People: MarthaOncePrince

SHOW # 1701 APRIL 17 2013
So, typically, I sit here and type up the blog as the show churns along and then forward my award- winning (??) prose to Ben.  Typically.  Today, however, our computers took a collective dump and prevented that from happening.  I'm just the messenger here.
I believe Ted was actually working on a blog at the time the computers went down.  The reason his situation was funny (to me, not Ted) was that his computer ate sh*t as he hit 'send'.  The look on his face as he relayed this story to me was priceless. 
Anyway, some observations from today; if you tell people that your feet itch, it makes them uncomfortable.  If you tell people that your b*lls itch, the laugh.  Sad, but that's all I've got today.
Hopefully the computers are in tip- top operational order tomorrow, otherwise you'll get another lame blog.
Until tomorrow, put your tongue on it and STAY BEAUTIFUL!"

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SHOW # 1700 APRIL 16 2013
Sure, 2013 is no longer the 'new year', it's just the current year, but that doesn't mean that we're not holding out hope that 2013 will erase some of the annoying fads of 2012.  To that end, we got our hands on a list of '22 Terrible Things That Must End in 2013".  We're not talking about things like sectarian violence, famine or racial profiling, we're talking about that ridiculous crap like Instagramming food, drop- crotch pants and pretending that bacon is something newly discovered.  It's not.  It's delicious, but bacon being delicious is OLD news.  Really old news.  We get it... sometimes you get sucked into a craze, even if you know it's stupid.  If you own a Shake- weight or a Snuggie, you know exactly what we're talking about.  Hell, when 'Friends' was still on the air (pre- syndication), every woman I knew wanted her hair cut however Jennifer Aniston had her hair cut.  I don't know why, but that was the case.  So, maybe it's something as simple as being on FaceBook or Twitter, but today we wanted to know:  WHAT FAD OR TREND, PAST OR PRESENT, SUCKED YOU IN?
Spandex pants... HOMEMADE spandex pants because he grew up poor.  In an unrelated note, his wife's name is November.  I've met an April, a May and a June, but not a November
The Harlem Shake... I'm very happy to say that while I've heard of the 'Harlem Shake', I have no idea what it is, and I like it that way
The Atkins Diet... that was one of those fads that lasted waaaaayyy longer than I thought it would
Cosplay... dressed like cartoon characters in high school, and I don't know why
BowFlex... you might recognize the BowFlex as that thing holding people's jackets
Clogs... not the silly plastic things people wear now, but those Dutch, wooden shoes from back in the day.  The guy who called said they were comfortable if you didn't actually walk anywhere
The flavored- water craze
Loves her yoga pants... hopefully she looks good in them
Got a Hot Diggity Dogger for a wedding gift... used it religiously until a group of Christmas carrolers spotted him eating a hot dog naked.  His wife threw it out the next day
Got into the flannel shirt phase and has been there ever since
'Solo Albums That Sent Musicians Back to Their Main Bands'... that was the theme of today's 'Sit and Spin' and it was as entertaining as the title suggested it would be.  Check out Jolene's blog for a more in depth breakdown.
Sometimes when you speak, you inadvertently choose the wrong words to convey your message and the message you end up sending is, well, it's really f**ked up.  We had two significant such moments today:
"When I get the chance to pick out sexy underwear for a woman, I always pick little boy shorts... no, no, I mean SMALL shorts that guys would usually wear!" - Thee Ted Smith
"I wanna put a hot dog in my bread slot!  That's not what I meant.  I meant, I wanna toast a hot dog in my toaster."  -Moi (that's Miss Piggy speak for 'me')
I'm outta here. 
Until tomorrow, pray for Biff Johnson and STAY BEAUTIFUL!"

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Topics: Human Interest
People: Jennifer AnistonTed Smith

SHOW # 1698 APRIL 12 2013
A guy on a fishing trip with two buddies spotted a beaver on the side of the road and decided that he wanted to snap a picture of it.  He grabbed his camera aqnd approached.  What's the worse thing that could happen?  The beaver could kill you... that's what!  The beaver bit the guy on the thigh, severed a main artery and the guy bled to death.  Here in Seattle, a guy on an escalator fell onto his back.  When he reached the bottom, his shirt got caught in the escalator and he was strangled to death.  People on a carnival Cruise in the Caribbean spent three days adrift at sea eating onion sandwiches while sitting next to giant piles of human feces.  Take a picture of a beaver, ride an escalator, go on a cruise... today we wanted to know:  WHAT WAS A THOUSAND TIMES WORSE THAN IT SHOULD HAVE BEEN?
Got his jaw wired shut, but lost his job as a result... didn't have the money to get the wiring removed, so he got drunk and removed them himself with pliers
His divorce took 3 years to finalize... and cost him $25,000 just to have to spend more money in the form of alimony
A prostate biopsy... it involves a large steel 'tool' being inserted into your rectum and it feels about as delightful as you'd imagine.  Even worse, 12 samples had to be taken.  On the "bright side", doctors found the cancer
He'd just wanted to fart, but he played Roker Poker and ended up sh*tting himself.  He had to drive 45 minutes home, pants less.  Pulls into the parking lot of his apartment complex and is greeted by his landlord.  Like I said, he just wanted to fart
Camping on a mountain when a thunderstorm rolls in... everyone takes cover except the 'fat idiot' in his group- who is promptly struck by lightning.  He and his other buddies had to carry the guy all the way back down the mountain
Had an open lung biopsy... it took 17 days worth of surgeries... he needs a double- lung transplant
Attempted anal with his girlfriend and ended up ripping his foreskin (!!!)... the shock and blood loss led a heart murmur and had to be de- fibbed at the hospital.  Dude just wanted anal
Her honeymoon... an ovarian cyst burst because they kept having sex
Woke up during eye surgery... DURING it!!!
OK bitches, the weekend is here!  If you're at the Sounders game tomorrow, I might see you.  If you go to the BJ Shea Comedy Riot on Sunday, might see you there too.  Then again, I might not.
Until Monday, do what you do best and STAY BEAUTIFUL!"

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Locations: CaribbeanSeattle

SHOW # 1697 APRIL 11 2013
If you've ever dreamed of taking a cruise to the Caribbean, there may be no better time than now!  Carnival Cruise Lines is offering cruises to the Bahamas for as low as $38 per person, per night.  That's cheaper than a stay at Motel 6.  Of course, the REASON for the low prices is that 2013 has been disastrous for Carnival... with 3 different ships suffering MAJOR malfunctions.  On the other hand, the passengers on these 3 ill- fated voyages all had an unforgettable experience... even if it WAS being adrift at sea with no food and feces overflowing.  Oddly enough, a cruise around the world is the #1 pick on a list of 'lifelong dream vacations'.  Going on an African safari was #5 on the same list.  You might remember the story from earlier this year (back in January) when a couple on safari took pictures of, and then WITH wild rhinos.  Their guide offered to snap a few shots of them and urged them to move "just a little closer"... until one of the rhinos gored the woman, breaking her ribs and collapsing a lung.  She survived AND got a picture, so...  Today's question:  GOOD OR BAD, WHAT WAS YOUR ONCE- IN- A- LIFETIME EXPERIENCE?
Aw crap.  Sorry... got way distracted today.  Apologies to Big Ben.
I'm outta here. 
Until tomorrow, drop it like it's hot and STAY BEAUTIFUL!"

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Locations: Caribbean

SHOW # 1696 APRIL 10 2013
David Lee Roth, the former, then current, and the currently former lead singer of Van Halen is a unique man.  Few people would argue that.  Odd as he may be, we stumbled upon a list of "Seven Weird Things You Probably Didn't Know About David Lee Roth".  To be fair, after reviewing the list, all seven things, strange as they may be, all make sense BECAUSE it's David Lee Roth.  The thing is, there's something about everyone that you might not expect.  Did you know that actor Pierce Brosnan can eat fire?  He even performed fire- eating in the circus for three years.  Condoleezza Rice, aside from having a silly first name, is a classical pianist.  Conan O'Brien can tap dance.  Justin Bieber, of all people, is a Rubik's Cube master.  He solved one in 84 seconds on live TV years ago.  David Arquette is a 'pro knitter'.  In other news, you can be a 'pro knitter'.  The list goes on and on.  There's an unusual tidbit of truth about everyone, and today we asked you to share:  WHAT WEIRD OR INTERESTING BIT OF INFORMATION DO MOST PEOPLE NOT KNOW ABOUT YOU?
Had a relationship with Lisa Connelly, the mastermind behind the murder of
Bobby Kent
Was recruited out of college to be a sniper
Currently does drugs... used to work as a toxicologist
Danced on 'Soul Train' for 4 years... SOOOOUUULLLLLLL TRAIN!"
As a huge metal head, people are surprised to learn that he loves classical music.  Listens to it when he works on cars and drives his rig
Gets paid to cross dress... claims it's for professional wrestling
She's a 'body removal specialist'... she's the person who drives corpses from point A to point B.  Drives a plain, white van with dead bodies in the back.  Kinda creepy, kinda awesome.  Almost hope she gets car- jacked, just to freak out the jacker
Was kidnapped by his father when he was a year- and- a- half old... his father swiped him from a babysitter
Has a "slightly incomplete circumcision"... meaning, a sh*tty doctor did a sh*tty job
Has webbed toes on both feet... and yes, he's a great swimmer
OK, I'm outta here, bitches.  Love to Carly Foulkes! 
Until tomorrow, eat it and STAY BEAUTIFUL!"

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SHOW # 1695 APRIL 9 2013
I know country singer Brad Paisley by name and nothing else.  Couldn't pick him out of a line- up and couldn't tell you a song he sings... until now.  Well, I haven't HEARD the song, but we've hearing ABOUT his latest single; some tune he collaborated on with L.L. Cool J called "Accidental Racist".  Apparently, the inspiration came from an incident where Brad was rocking a shirt for the band Alabama that featured a Confederate flag.  As a result, he was harassed on Twitter and accused of being a racist... hence, 'accidental racist'.  Our very show has been accused of being racist, or at the very least, racially insensitive, because of the game "Black, White, Mexi or Jew".  If you're like anyone else in modern America, you've probably been accused of being racist too.  Or maybe you cracked the wrong joke and were instantly labeled a homophobe, a sexist, a rapist, a molester or any other of a myriad of negative types.  Sometimes you step in a big old pile of "oops" and earn yourself an unwanted label.  On the other end of the spectrum, sometimes you're showered with accolades because an intensely personal decision had a positive impact on those around you... even though none of the beneficiaries crossed your mind at the time.  Take Captain "Sully" Sullenberger, the U.S. Airways pilot who landed a disabled jet in the Hudson River back in 2009... saving the lives of each and every passenger and crew member.  It was a great thing and, he is, for sure, to be commended... but come on, HE didn't wanna die that day... everyone else benefited from that.  If I'm driving a car and I avoid going over a cliff... and you HAPPEN to be a passenger... no offense, I didn't avoid the cliff for you.  Call me a hero if you want, but I was protecting my own hide.  Anyway, this leads us to today's question:  WHEN WERE YOU ACCIDENTALLY LABELLED SOMETHING YOU ARE NOT?
Accused of being a skin head because he's a big white dude with a shaved head... and because the grocery store he worked at didn't cash money orders
When he was in prison, his cell mate was gay, so everyone thought he was too.  Yea, I had the same problem when I dated a guy.
She's Asian, her husband is in the military, so everyone assumes she's a 'citizenship bride'... they also assume her English is terrible, so, as Americans do, people talk loudly to her... because that helps people to understand what you're saying
He's a Level 1 sex offender... when he was 18, he met a girl in church and both the girl AND her mom said she was 17... she was 14.  He spent 5 years in jail
His name is Jose... Jose is not Hispanic... but we still wanna see his papers
His name is Terrell... Terell is white... or so he says!
More cowbell?  Jolene brought it.  Well, she brought the Top 10 Cowboy Songs of All Time. 
Here's the link:
OK, I'm outta here.  Tomorrow is hump day!  Do you know what that means?!?  Seriously, I'm asking... it's just Wednesday, and I can promise you that as of right now, 5:17 pm on Tuesday, we have absolutely nothing planned.  We rarely do.  In fact, our Question of the Day is usually decided around 1:30 each day.  Sad but true.
Until tomorrow, shake the money maker and STAY BEAUTIFUL!"

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Topics: Social Issues
Locations: Alabama
People: Brad Paisley

SHOW # 1694 APRIL 8 2013
It was the Monday Random Question today, so as I do every Monday, I'll avoid the 'question we asked/ answer you gave' part, and just share with you what we learned today:
Sheryl Crow (who was in the building today) has no interest in joining us on the air.  Must have been our "Live Strong" bracelets. 
People will text the phrase "garlic farts" just because we asked them to... even though we never actually asked anyone to text "garlic farts".
Dogs can and may give you a r*m job while you're having sex... sex with another person.  Want to be clear about that.
Imitating Shannon Sharpe is a great way to pass the time.  If you're not familiar with the verbal eloquence of Mr. Sharpe, let me phrase it like this; 'imitating Tharpe ith a great way to path the time.'
That's pretty much all we learned today.
Until tomorrow, bang it and STAY BEAUTIFUL!"

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Topics: Human Interest
People: Shannon SharpeSheryl Crow

SHOW # 1693 APRIL 5 2013
Let's review the NFL history of Tim Tebow; every NFL fan agreed that the idea of drafting Tebow as a quarterback was a bad idea because, frankly, he's not very good at being a quarterback.  In spite of 100% agreement that he would be a bust, the Denver Broncos provided some comedic relief and drafted him in the FIRST ROUND.  After leading the Broncos to the playoffs, he was traded to the Jets, and football fans were left scratching their collective head, wondering why anyone would trade for the guy.  Well, after an uneventful year backing up Mark Sanchez (think about that... you're a BACK UP to MARK SANCHEZ) most pundits thought Tebow's NFL career was, mercifully, at an end.  Guess again... rumor has it that the Seahawks are looking to trade for him.  Seriously.  This alone, inspired today's question:  WHAT DID YOU KNOW WAS A BAD IDEA BUT YOU DID IT ANYWAY?
First 4 women he slept with were all bi- polar.  I thought ALL women were bi- polar.
Getting married to his first wife... they were together for 10 YEARS before they got married... divorced in less than one year after tying the knot
Was on his way to get a tattoo of his car (an '82 Supra) on his shoulder.  He was in the parking lot of the tattoo place when he called
Knew it was a bad idea to try meth... he was right; he was hooked for 10 years.  Quit 5 years ago
Got the date wrong for a rave that he wanted to go to in downtown... no rave, so he tripped on acid and ended up at a homeless shelter eating burritos... that he believed was speaking to him
She dated a man who lived in a van... and owned a cat... he cheated on her with his cousin (yes HIS cousin)... he got an STD from his cousin, that he then passed on to the caller.  None of that is her regret... she regrets that she had to pay $600 to replace the windshield
Sleeping with his (now ex) wife's sister... regrets bringing up that fact during an argument
Took his father's car out for a joyride while his parents were out celebrating their 19th wedding anniversary.  Well, the car ended up in a ditch with thousands of dollars worth of damage.  Did I mention that his father was the sheriff
Knew eating a habenero was a bad idea, but did it anyway
His designated driver was taking too long to leave the bar, so he drove himself ALMOST home... got a DUI
OK bitches, enjoy the weekend.  Until Monday, do what you do best and STAY BEAUTIFUL!"

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People: GettingMark SanchezSleepingTim Tebow

SHOW # 1692 APRIL 4 2013
A 2nd grader in Tennessee has been suspended from school multiple times since October, leading her to miss 24 days... so far.  Is she getting in fights?  No.  Is she disruptive in class?  Nope.  Does she smell SO bad that teachers and students alike are distracted to the point that they can't concentrate?  Yep, that's the ticket.  Child Services have investigated her home and found nothing; the kid is bathed everyday... sometimes more than once... doctors have checked her out, but nothing explains her "foul odor".  On that note, we had a list of the "8 Weird Medical Conditions You've Never Heard Of"... one of which might explain what's up with the Tennessee 2nd grader ("Fish Odor Syndrome") as well as a list of "6 Weird Health Things That Are Harmless", like skin tags.  Doesn't mean you don't look gross or won't freak people out, but they're harmless.  These are the things that inspired today's question.  Maybe you have cross- eyes, a hair- lip or a lisp (pronounced- 'lithp'), today we wanted to know:  WHAT IS IT ABOUT YOU THAT NEEDS AN EXPLANATION OR WARNING?
Has red skin on his face, head and chest... says it looks like a constant sunburn
He was super- sweaty, thus, super stinky all through high school
Has a huge scar on his head from when he had HIS SKULL CRUSHED as a kid
She’s legally blind, so it appears that she's always looking away from you when you talk.  She's not being rude, she just can't see you
His house smells like cat- pee... it's not that he has or had a cat, but his ex wife (who moved out 8 months ago) was a hoarder
He has bi- polar disorder and everyone around him knows it.  He's either really up or down and it people don't like to be around him
Has one blue- eye and one brown eye... well, he really has two brown eyes when you include his butt hole
Doesn't have toe nails on either of his big toes... creepy.  Big, fleshy nubs
Partially deaf in one ear and THAT'S why talks so loud... doesn't make him any less annoying
Was born with a "super short" small intestine and has to poop instantly after eating
She's engaged to be married but is "polyandrous", meaning, she and he fiancé f**k around, which is fine, but very difficult to explain on dates
He's 7 feet tall and does not, nor has he ever played basketball.  No big deal, but he has to explain WHY to everyone.
OK bitches, I'm going drinking, so I believe I'll be feeling like crap tomorrow... or as I like to say, I'll be feeling like myself!
Until tomorrow, slap the fat and STAY BEAUTIFUL!"

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Topics: Human Interest
Locations: Tennessee

SHOW # 1691 APRIL 3 2013
Don't stop me if you've heard this before... because you've heard this before... but word is that Jay Leno will be stepping down as the host of the "Tonight Show" sometime next year, paving the way for Jimmy Fallon to take over the 11:35 timeslot.  Doesn't mean Leno won't get his job back, since he has a history of backstabbing every would- be host since Carson stepped down.  Just ask David Letterman or Conan O'Brien.  Leno isn't alone in the 'false promises' category.  Are you one of those people kicking yourself because you'll never get the chance to see the Rolling Stones play live again because you missed their farewell tour?  Don't sweat it... they just announced dates for their UPCOMING tour.  That's OK, KISS launched their farewell tour 17 years and 3 albums ago.  Oh, and Meat Loaf just announced that he's retiring from touring (didn't know he was on tour), so expect to see him on stage in the next few years.  Then again, I said I'd install the new shelf in our laundry room approximately one year ago.  The shelf is no longer new, but it's still in the box.  And in spite of it being April 3rd, there are plenty of people who still haven't done their taxes (Ted) and have already filed for an extension (Ted), but I'm not naming names.  This lead to today's question:  WHAT HAVE YOU PROMISED TO DO (OR STOP DOING) BUT HAVEN'T GOTTEN AROUND TO IT YET?
Promised his daughter that he'd build her a tree house... 4 years ago
Swore that he'd "get organized" when he moved... it's been a year and a half and he still hasn't unpacked
Has been promising to clean the garage since last June... his wife has even bribed him with jet skis and guns, but he still hasn't done it. 
She's been promising herself that she would lose weight and was prepared to do it, but now she has a great booty call who likes her "larger carriage".  Whatever... he likes her vagina
Promised his wife that he'd stop smoking weed.  We asked him why she wanted him to quit and, as expected, she had no particular reason, she just "doesn't like it".  Well, she doesn't smoke it, so what's the problem?  I don't like vegetables, so I don't eat them and have no problems.  I don't ask other people not to each vegetables because I think they suck.  Find that kind of thing very strange
Been trying to quit heroin.  Dude is 19 and started with Oxy's, but they're expensive and he's broke, so he switched to cheaper heroin.  Don't you love Big Pharma can get away with poisoning people?  The difference between them and the dude slinging drugs on the corner?  Big Pharma pays taxes on their drugs. 
Needs to dump his live- in girlfriend but just hasn't gotten around to it yet.
Those were the answers from today.
Do us a favor and check out
OK bitches, I'm outta here.
Until tomorrow, yee haw and STAY BEAUTIFUL!"

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SHOW #1690 APRIL 2 2013
Only in New Jersey is this kind of thing even necessary, but Governor Chris Christie just signed into law, a measure that will ban children under 17- years- old from using commercial tanning beds and kids under 14 from getting spray tanned.  What inspired the new law?  Ever been to New Jersey?  In addition to the fact that a healthy dose of the population prefers an Oompa- loompa pitina, that women nicknamed "Tan Mom" had attempted to bring her 5- year- old daughter to a tanning booth.  After much unwanted attention, New Jersey has decided to outlaw children from pursuing the "Jersey Glow".  Nevertheless, in the case of the 5- year- old, with a mother like that, that kid is doomed to be a future Snooki.  You only know what you know.  For example, Jayden Smith and Gwyneth Paltrow have both gone on record explaining how "hard" they've had to work to establish themselves in Hollywood... in spite 9of the fact that each of them are the offspring of Hollywood royalty.  They have no idea how easy it was for them, relative to the effort that other folks have put in.  But like I said, you know what you know.  Remember Josh Powell?  It was hard to figure out what had so very wrong in his life... until we were introduced to his father.  Suddenly, all of the tragic pieces fell into place.  We all inherit some kind of tradition, good or not, voluntarily or not, from out parents, so today we wanted to know:  INTENTIONALLY OR NOT, WHAT FAMILY TRADITION DO YOU CARRY ON?
18 years on, he continues the tradition of wrapping him and his family in Christmas lights, taking a picture and using it as a Christmas card
Every Easter, he and his extended family go to his mother's house and color Easter eggs
Every Christmas day, "A Christmas Story" is played ALL DAY on the TV.  No one is allowed to change the channel.  Says it drives her crazy, but keeps the tradition going
Always hangs out late after concerts, sporting events, etc, to avoid dealing with the crowd.  I do the same thing.  If there's a bar close, it makes all the difference
All of the men in his family go by their middle names.  That would encourage me to give my son a RIDICULOUS first name
Will only by Best Foods Mayonnaise.  Says she uses only enough to "lube the noodle".  I don't know what that means, but I like the sound of it... I think
Always watches "Die Hard" on Christmas Eve
Eats steak and eggs every Easter morning for breakfast.  Her grandfather served in WW2 and one Easter morning, his platoon was told that they were going on a suicide mission, so they were given steak and eggs for breakfast.  Gramps survived, but brought the tradition home
For some reason, every family member who celebrates a birthday is treated to butter being shoved up their nose (???)
Jolene provided us with "10 Surprising Seattle Music Factoids".  For example, Bing Crosby is from Tacoma. 
Didn't know that sh*t.
OK bitches, I'm outta here.
Until tomorrow, rub it raw and STAY BEAUTIFUL!"

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SHOW # 1689 APRIL 1 2013
Today is Monday, so, as we do every Monday, asked our Monday Random Question, which is way too much of a pain in the ass to recreate here.  Instead, I simply pose some of the questions we didn't intend to ponder today.
-When is your immediate family no longer your immediate family?  Is it when you get married?  Is it when your siblings get married?  I ask because we had a guy call who said that he is the only member of his immediate family because he's single, yet, he has a brother and sister and both parents. 
-Do motocross tours bring their own dirt city to city?  We really wanted to know.  Turns out that the answer is no.  Apparently, each city has it's own supply of dirt.
-Why are Mexican's regarded as the "best" labor out there, yet everyone complains about Mexicans "taking" jobs.
-Is there a such thing as a 'monkey sitter'?  Like, if you own a monkey and have to go out of town, who watches your monkey?
-Is it Jared Leto, as in "LEE- toe", or Jared Leto as in "LET- oh?
-Is there any body part you could receive, unsolicited, in the mail and NOT be disturbed?
Like I said, none of these were our Random Questions, but they were random questions that popped up through the course of the show.  None of them are important, but they're important to us. 
OK, that's all I've got today; apologies to Big Ben.
Until tomorrow, hit me with your best shot (don't, really) and STAY BEAUTIFUL!"

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People: Jared Leto


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