Posts from July 2013

SHOW # 1765 JULY 31 2013
A man in Illinois has the unfortunate distinction of being the first... and, thus far, only person diagnosed with eproctophilia.  What is 'epoctrophilia'?  Epoctrophilia is when a person is turned on by the sound AND smell of flatulence.  Seriously.  As researchers put it, 'he's not sexually attracted to the flatulence, but the person releasing it'... which would make ME the sexiest man alive.  That's weird... but so is synesthesia, a condition where stimulation of one sense triggers others.  There's a man in Canada who is only the second person to be diagnosed with synesthesia, and in his case, the James Bond theme makes him horny, baby.  Actually, he described it as "orgasmic".  It doesn't lead to the 'big O', but instead, the big "double O... seven".  (YYEEAAAA!!!)  We've all got weird things that turn us on... some weirder than others, and today, that's what we wanted to talk about:  MOST PEOPLE MIGHT NOT GET IT, BUT ___________ TURNS ME ON!
Big band and jazz music from the 30's, 40's and 50's.  ah yes, the voice of Louis Armstrong gets me every time too.
"Big, burly, hairy men"... in other words, Thee Ted Smith
Snow.  I don't get it.  What does he think of Frosty?
She's a tattoo artist and gets turned on when chicks squeal or squeak or moan when they're getting inked
She likes 'pasty, freckled' men, preferably with beards
He's attracted to pregnant women.  Well, if nothing else, at least you know you won't get them pregnant
The smell of cigarettes and a certain perfume called "realities", which he experienced at a strip club when he got his first lap dance.  Basically, he likes women named Tammy
Car grease.  Her boyfriend is a mechanic
Leather sofas 
When his woman yells at him
Cocaine... in a man's beard  (???)
"Thick" women.  Dated a chick who lost weight and he dumped
People with messed up teeth.  Likes 'dental' pain.  Turns him on to the point that on a "good" day, he'll floss up to 16 times a day.  It's his version of masturbation
Yea... based on what we heard today, I'm pretty boring and unimaginative.  I'm ok with that.  I think I'm just always horny, so there's nothing in particular. 
OK bitches, I'm outta here.
Until tomorrow, smell my finger before you pull it and STAY BEAUTIFUL!"

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Locations: Illinois
People: Louis ArmstrongTed Smith

SHOW # 1762 JULY 26 2013
There's a website called 'the stir' or something, and as best I can tell, it's a site for mothers, or women who want to be mothers or whatever.  Anyway, they also provided a small article that's beneficial to EVERYONE!  It's called "Six Ways to Handle Seeing an Ugly Baby For the First Time".  Obviously, every parent is proud and excited about their newborns, but sometimes, frankly, your baby is uglier than a bucket of armpits.  And if they are that ugly, it would be my duty to inform anyone else who might be meeting your baby to prepare themselves.  If your girlfriend has a hair-lip or a lisp, warn me before I meet her.  If you own a chimpanzee as a pet and you invite me over for dinner, let me know.  If we're gonna have sex and you have herpes, gimme a heads- up.  Unfortunately, you don't always get the info you'd like to know in advance, and that's the motivation behind today's question:  WHAT DO YOU WISH YOU'D HAVE KNOW AHEAD OF TIME?
That his woman of 8 months would cheat on his best friend of 12 years in HIS truck at a camp fire
Wish she knew her co- worker was dating the boss's son BEFORE she complained about him to her
That his co-worker would live in his place for 8 months and not a few days. 
Really wishes she knew that her co- worker was dying of leukemia before she asked him "how do you feel?"
That her father- in- law was in jail for 8 years following a murder conviction.  Dude killed a cop. 
That adding hand soap to your pee won't help you clear a drug test
Wishes he knew that his boss had set up cameras in the barn before he brought his girlfriend in for sex
OK bitches, it's Friday, it's f**king gorgeous outside and, most importantly, I have to take a sh*t, so I'm gonna say adios.  Adios.
Until Monday, do what you do best and STAY BEAUTIFUL!"

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Topics: Human Interest

SHOW # 1761 JULY 25 2013
Across the NFL, training camps are opening up this week at all 32 teams prepare for the 2013 season.  The Seahawks opened camp today and they're predicting upwards of 2500 fans to show up.  If you're an NFL fan, training camp is an exciting time for predictions and pontifications.  In fact, the people who seemingly hate NFL training camp the most are the NFL players.  Turns out that extreme exercise in the heat is not a very popular pastime for the players.  Who knew?  Subsequently, most people get very excited about the weekend... except those poor souls who work in hospitality, specifically those who work in restaurants.  I did it for 12 years, I can promise you that the weekends are universally hated by everyone in the industry.  Just one of those things.  Today we wanted you to fill- in- the- blank:  EVERYBODY LOOKS FORWARD TO _________ EXCEPT ME!
The "royal baby".  I have to agree.  Hope the kid is healthy and all that, but why does everyone care about people they don't know having a kid?  Never understood that. 
Was a DJ at a strip club for a few years and now hates going to strip clubs.
Doesn't look forward to the Blue Angels at Sea Fair because (a) it's the exact same thing every year (like 4th of July fireworks) and (b) the traffic always sucks
Game of Thrones... he's never seen the show, but decided that he hates it anyway
Hates warm weather, i.e., summer
Doesn't look forward to Christmas because he's a Fed-Ex driver
His birthday... says he doesn't like to make a big deal about it, but he called us ON his birthday
Strip clubs... his buddies enjoy going to strip clubs, and while he has no problem with it, he's gay, but no one knows
OK bitches, I'm outta here.
Until tomorrow, lick it, stick it and STAY BEAUTIFUL!"

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SHOW # 1760 JULY 24 2013
The word 'etiquette' is defined as "a code of behavior that delineates expectations for social behavior according to contemporary conventional norms within a society, social class or group".  In layman's terms, 'etiquette' is when you pretend to be a decent person because other people are looking or listening.  'Etiquette' is why you don't (or, you're not supposed to) ask a woman if she's pregnant... or her age... or her weight... or pretty much anything at all.  Well, the folks at opened up a discussion yesterday where guys could ask women "inappropriate" questions and the women provided honest answers.  Imagine that!  In the meantime, it got us thinking; at some point in your life someone has asked you something you found offensive or inappropriate... and today we asked you:  WHAT'S THE SINGLE- MOST OFFENSIVE QUESTION ANYONE HAS EVER ASKED YOU?
Away we go:
Had a seizure in a grocery store... when he came to, a woman asked him if he was retarded
When she was little, she had a bob haircut and was asked why she was wearing a dress... since she's a boy
She's in her 40's and people ask 'why' she doesn't have kids
Former soldier and is offended every time a fool asks, "did you kill anyone?"
He's been asked more than once; "does your facial hair grow in 'white trash- like', or do you shave it that way
"What's your immigration status?"  He's NATIVE American, not Mexican.  As a native, he should ask everyone ELSE what their status is
He's always had man- boobs, but when he was in high school, he was asked if he was a "boy or a girl". 
She's a natural redhead  and is tired of being asked "do the carpets match the drapes"?
He's black and was asked if he knew who Martin Luther King Jr is?  Yea, he's the guy whose name is used on streets to let tourists know that they're in a black neighborhood
Car salesman would ask a customer if his wife would "take it in the brown"... as in the CAR COLOR
Has a big nose... people always ask if he's Jewish
"Are you in yet?"  It's only offensive if the answer is 'yes'.
OK bitches, I'm calling it a day.  Day.
Until tomorrow, sell the world and STAY BEAUTIFUL!"

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Topics: Human Interest
People: Martin Luther King Jr

SHOW # 1759 JULY 23 2013
Taco Bell just went through it, then Wendy's, now Subway finds itself doing a little damage control after an employee at an Ohio location posted an Instagram picture of his penis... ON A LOAF UNBAKED SUBWAY BREAD!  As you'd expect, the guy was fired and the Subway brass issued a statement reassuring everyone that that kind of thing isn't the norm for their "sandwich artists".  If it makes them feel any better, we know that's not the norm.  In fact, most restaurant employees don't normally place their naughty- bits on your food.  That being said, it happens plenty.  I cooked for 12 years and I have some awful stories that I won't share.  On that note, last month, a dog made the ill-advised decision to attempt to eat a porcupine.  The situation ended about the way you'd think; the dog had a disturbing number of quills in it's face and made a trip to the vet for needle extraction.  We've all done it; touched something we weren't supposed to and then paid a price later.  WHAT DID YOU TOUCH THAT YOU WEREN'T SUPPOSED TO... AND WHAT DID YOU TOUCH IT WITH?
A sleeping sea lion... the thing woke up and tried to bite his face off of his head and then his head off of his neck
At age 8 he attempted to smell a lit car cigarette lighter.  It touched his nose and he had a ring of blisters for a few months
His d*ck was hanging out of his shorts (at a Boy Scout camp, no less) and it touched a very, very, very hot metal bench on a boat
Masturbated with 'Icey- Hot'
Taking a dump, he lit a match (because it was one of THOSE dumps) and instead of dropping the match between his legs, it landed on his junk
Licked the inside of a freezer and his tongue got stuck... at a Safeway
Was cutting habanero peppers for a steak, touched his junk and dealt with the agony that accompanies doing so
Touched and electric fence... knocked him out... wakes up a little out of it... tries to pull himself to his feet... by grabbing the same fence
Jolene brought us the 10 Bands That Ended Too Soon... according to Gibson Guitars.  Here's the link:
OK bitches, I'm outta here.
Until tomorrow, avoid tofu and STAY BEAUTIFUL!"

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Locations: Ohio

SHOW # 1757 JULY 16 2013
Kim kardashian tweeted her feelings about the acquittal of George Zimmerman after he was found NOT guilty after shooting and killing Trayvon Martin.  Kim tweeted, "no justice".  While we're impressed that someone with the IQ of a house pet could spell those two words, there's a certain irony to Kim's position.  See, her father, the late Robert Kardashian, was part of the legal team that got OJ Simpson acquitted of DOUBLE murder charges after committing a double murder.  In fact, Kim, her bitch- mother and her uncomfortably hairy sister all got to enjoy a privileged life as a direct result of her father keeping killers out of jail.  This fact was not lost in the twitter- verse, where people started ripping Kim's comments apart for that very reason.  Basically, since SHE doesn't get any monetary padding from the Zimmerman verdict, it's now an "injustice".  Nice.  Granted, Kim isn't the only person to enjoy the good life in spite of collateral human damage.  Vince Neil and Brandi both got light slaps on the wrist after KILLING someone with their vehicles, Jimmy Page once kidnapped a 14- year- old girl for sex, the last Pope was a member of the NAZI YOUTH, and you think Chris Brown is bad?  He's got nothing on Sean Penn, who tied then- wife Madonna to a chair and beat the sh*t outta her for hours.  But then he played Harvey Milk, so he must be cool, right?  This leads us to today's question:  CULPRIT, VICTIM OR WITNESS, WHAT'S THE WORST THING YOU'VE EVER BEEN A APRT OF?
Knew that a certain guy was epileptic... flicked the lights on and off until he had a seizure
Serving in Iraq, he saw a small kid blown to hell by a mortar
When he worked at a department store, he had a buddy call in a bomb threat so he could get the day off
Ran the largest chop shop in Pierce County history... 10 years later, the cops are still familiar with him.  He's proud of that
When he was 16, he was involved in an attempted murder... he was in a gang at the time
Was driving in a car with two buddies... one of them had slept with the "crazy, rifle toting guy"... the back window was shot out as they drove because 'rifle guy' found them.  A car chase, with gunfire, ensued.  Thanks to some "Dukes of Hazzard" style driving, they finally managed to lose the guy
Sold a bunch of edibles at Hemp Fest... none of them actually had weed in them
Interrogated by the feds after being accused of counterfeiting money
Ever wonder what the 'top 10 best summer songs' are?  Me neither, but Jolene brought us that exact list today.  Unfortunately, the list was compiled by Billboard... and the list is awful.  Truly.  Don't believe me?  Click here and see for yourself:
OK bitches, I'm outta here.
Until next time, suck on the thing and STAY BEAUTIFUL!"

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SHOW # 1755 JULY 12 2013
It's well established that women will always lie about their weight and men will always lie about penis size.  It's such a given that we lie about these things that it's a wonder why anyone bothers asking.  However, researchers at Indiana University figured out a way to get guys to tell the truth; they offered men in the study custom made condoms that would fit 'perfectly' and make sex feel better.  With that promise in mind, the 1,661 men in the study gave HONEST answers.  Truth is, everyone lies about something, depending on the subject.  WHAT ARE YOU MOST LIKELY TO LIE ABOUT?
How much money he made on his last fishing trip in Alaska.  Made more than he's (smartly) willing to share with friends and family.
How much he spends on video games, tools and electronics
What he's REALLY doing in the bathroom and why he's taking so long.
Lies to get extra time off from work
His sexuality... he's from a small town and has run into problems because he's gay.
Says he's from Georgia because it's better than saying he's from West Virginia.  Don't know about that.  That's like saying you have herpes because it's better than having syphilis.
His education... lies and says that he's LESS educated than he really is.  Oddly enough, he misspelled most of his text.  Just sayin'
How much money she won at the casino OR how much money she lost at the casino
OK, gotta roll, bitches.
Until Monday, do what you do best and STAY BEAUTIFUL!"

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Locations: AlaskaGeorgiaWest Virginia

SHOW # 1754 JULY 11 2013
It's no secret that Justin Bieber has redefined what it is to be a douche bag.  Day after day there's a story about him doing something asinine, but sometimes you've gotta give the guy a break.  Not often, but sometimes.  Case- in- point, he was in Chicago for a concert and the concert was at the arena that serves as the home of the Blackhawks... who just won the Stanley Cup.  Anyway, he was in the locker room, where the cup currently resides, and he touched it.  Apparently, you're not supposed to touch it unless you are a member of the winning team.  More than that, he was standing on the Blackhawks logo when he touched it.  Standing on the logo is another no- no... in spite of the fact that the logo is located on THE FLOOR... where people tend to stand when gravity is doing it's job.  Personally, I had no idea that you weren't supposed to touch the Stanley Cup OR stand on a team log... neither did Bieber... but that's how it goes sometimes.  You don't mean to break the rules, you just didn't know the rules existed in the first place.  Today we wanted to know:  WHAT DID YOU GET IN TROUBLE FOR THAT YOU DIDN'T KNOW WAS WRONG?
Got one year probation for taking his OWN mailbox.  He was replacing his rusted one
Got suspended in 6th grade for drawing stick figures shooting at each other.  I thought that kind of thing was a NEW form of idiocy.  I used to draw the same thing every chance I got
Got arrested for building a Tee- pee at a camp ground.  Didn't know that was wrong
At 6- years- old, his parents sent him to a Jewish day camp, even though he wasn't Jewish.  One day they made kites... for some reason, he drew Swastikas on his and it went over about as well as you'd think
Pulled over for rolling his wheelchair backwards in a bike lane. 
Grew up a military brat and lived all over the world.  Moves to the states, so imagine his surprise when the teachers at school were upset when he showed up with beer on his breath
Booted out of a bar in Louisiana for wearing a plain white t-shirt... apparently it's "gang related"
Drank apple cider vinegar to try to cover for a pee test.  The vinegar tasted so bad that he brushed his teeth, but his toothpaste had baking soda in it so his mouth started foaming like he was rabid
OK bitches, I'm outta here.
Until tomorrow, light my fire and STAY BEAUTIFUL!

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Locations: ChicagoLouisiana
People: Justin Bieber

SHOW # 1753 JULY 10 2013
This past Monday in Texas (San Antonio, if you care) a guy was at home with his girlfriend when his EX-girlfriend showed up and started yelling and acting like, well, an ex.  The guy decided he didn't wanna deal with her bitching, and in true Texas fashion, he grabbed his shotgun and tried to shot the ex.  Instead, he shot his CURRENT girlfriend.  Awww crap.  Meanwhile, the New York Mets organized a Native American Heritage Day for a home game on July 25th.  They organized it with the American Indian Community House and it's scheduled to be a day celebrating traditional dance and song.  Turns out that on that day, the Mets will be playing the Atlanta BRAVES.  Awww crap.  And then there's Wanda Lee Ann Podgurski, convicted on 29 counts of insurance and disability fraud.  She was sentenced to 20 years in jail, but instead, she fled the country and tweeted to U.S. Marshalls, "catch me if you can".  As a result of her tweet, Marshalls tracked her down and caught her.  Awww crap.  Today we wanted to know:  WHAT HAPPENED THE LAST TIME YOU SAID 'AWWW CRAP!'?
While wrestling, a "huge, fat" dude went off- script, climbed up to the top rope and did a backflip onto him
He was in Russia a few weeks ago, went to the airport and realized he'd booked the wrong flight
A few weeks ago, picked up a few POUNDS of weed, was followed home and was raided a few weeks later.  He wasn't arrested, but about 30 other people were
When a cop caught him peeing outside... with an open beer... and a bunch of weed in his pockets... and FIVE warrants for his arrest.  Awwww crap!
When he accidentally used tanning lotion while masturbating.  Turned his junk orange for 10 days
Got stabbed in Beverly Hills
When he had a kid... at age 14
OK bitches, I'm off to jam on the bass.
Until tomorrow, dispute the suits and STAY BEAUTIFUL!"

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Locations: San AntonioTexas
People: Wanda Lee Ann Podgurski

SHOW # 1752 JULY 9 2013
Former Mets pitcher Kris Benson USED to be married to former FHM model Anna Benson.  She was the Baseball Wife who once famously commented that if he were to cheat on her, she'd sleep with every player on the team.  That was then, this is now; they're separated... have been for about a year... and she's under the impression that Kris owes her $30,000.  Maybe he does, but on Sunday, she went to his house with a handgun, 13 rounds of ammo, a hatchet, a bag of syringes, an ammo vest, a bullet- proof vest, a knife and an expandable baton... and demanded her money.  Instead of giving her money, Kris ran and hid in the woods and called the cops.  She was arrested and is currently cooling her Z(high) heels in jail.  To be fair, we don't know what led to their initial breakup, but based on current events, we're guessing it has something to do with her being batsh*t crazy.  Just a guess.  Anyone who's ever gotten out of a relationship probably ignored hundreds of red flags along the way, before finally having that moment of clarity when you just know it's time to call it quits.  That leads to today's question:  I SHOULD HAVE KNOWN THEY WERE CRAZY WHEN ______________ HAPPENED.
When she said she'd make out wit her own brother
When he found out that his girlfriend drank animal blood
When he found his wife in the corner of the closet crying for no particular reason.  That was 10 years ago, but they're still married and she, apparently, is crazier now
Knew her boyfriend was crazy when he asked to use the hilt of his SWORD as a sex toy on her
When she went on Jerry Springer
His girlfriend thought she got pregnant from CUDDLING ON THE COUCH... they'd been dating for 3 months and had never had sex... nevertheless, she thought she was pregnant.  There is NOTHING wrong with sex education.  It doesn't condone teen sex any more than having a police force condones crime.  It's called 'pattern recognition'.
Met a girl at a party who, at the time, was looking for a knife to stab his buddy.  In spite of that, he took her home anyway... and things ended poorly
When, after only 2 months of dating, she agreed to have sex with him... but she didn't want him to use a condom and said, "put your babies in me!"
His girl brushed her teeth BEFORE every meal and folded DIRTY laundry
Knew she might be crazy when he ran into the grocery store to grab whatever, came out and there she was, standing on a bench taking a sh*t in public
Pearl Jam announced that they will be embarking on a North American tour in the very near future (including a show here in Seattle on December 6th) so with that in mind, we presented the Top 10 Pearl Jam songs... as voted on by Rolling Stone readers.  Here's a link:
OK bitches, I'm outta here like Vladimir... who, apparently, was well known for announcing when he left.
Until tomorrow, check your head and STAY BEAUTIFUL!"

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Locations: Seattle
People: Anna BensonKris Benson


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