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Posts from November 2013


SHOW # 1836 NOVEMBER 27 2013
"Hola,
 
Tomorrow is Thanksgiving and, if you're like most people, you'll be a gluttonous pig in the company of family.  The thing about spending a lot of time with family is that, well, you're spending a lot of time with family.  Most family dynamics seem to be about the same; there's the drunk uncle, the cousin who is going through some kind of 'issues', the sibling who's either strung out on drugs or fresh out of prison, the family member who decides that 'turkey day' is the day to come out of the closet, etc, etc.  The long and short of it is this; the potential for drama escalates substantially when you mix family with the holidays.  It's just one of those things.  so today we wanted to know:  WHAT DO YOU HOPE DOESN'T HAPPEN AGAIN THIS HOLIDAY SEASON?
 
Hopes that her father- in- law doesn't get drunk and start another fight with her.  Last time, it was her first Thanksgiving as a part of that family
 
Her mother had a bunch of antique ceramic reindeer (???)... until her uncle knocked over a table and broke them all
 
His wife punched her 31- year- old daughter in the face and spent 3 days in jail
 
Her birthday, like our very own Thee Ted smith, is on Christmas Eve... on that day, her drunk brother started the punching the car window (from the inside) and broke it... while she was driving
 
Her father got lost... while walking the dog.  why yes, he WAS drunk at the time... why do you ask?
 
Tried to celebrate the holidays at the casino... everything was fine until she went into labor
 
Hopes the dog doesn't snag the turkey off of the kitchen counter right before they're about to eat again... they ended up eating cold cuts
 
Really, really, really hopes his grandmother doesn't put porn on the TV again during dinner.  Said it made for a very awkward moment... if watching porn with your grandmother bugs you.
 
  
OK bitches, time to start preparing for football and turkey.  Have a good Thanksgiving... or at least try!
 
Until Monday, do what you do best and STAY BEAUTIFUL!"
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Topics: Human Interest
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People: HOPE DOESN




 
SHOW # 1835 NOVEMBER 26 2013
"Hola,
 
It's kind of an unspoken agreement, but most (most) adults make an effort to protect kids... whether that be protecting them from themselves or the indifferent universe in which we all exist.  The idea is that we want to protect their innocence as long as we can.  It's why we try not to use profanity around them or why we don't surf porn when their around.  It's why we don't have the heart to tell them that Simba from 'The Lion King' would, eventually, eat his friends after crushing their throats in his mouth or that Mary's little lamb's ultimate fate is gyro meat.  Well, New York City is getting in on the 'protect the kids' action, as the NYPD is asking bartenders not to OVER- serve anyone dressed up as Santa.  Why?  As one person asked, "what do you tell a five- year- old when they see Santa passed out on the street, vomiting or defecating in front of the house?"  We don't have an answer to that question (not a radio- friendly one, anyway) but we hoped that you had an answer to our question:  WHAT DID YOU SEE AS A KID THAT SCARRED YOU FOR LIFE?
 
11 years old...found a bunch of used needles on the beach... brought them home to a VERY unhappy father
 
Lost his innocence when his friend died in a car crash on the LAST day of high school
 
Was at a barbeque at age 5... went into the backyard of the host and saw a bunch of rabbits (still alive) hanging upside down by their feet... one guy bashed them over the head with a bat, the other guy was slitting their throats... a little while later, rabbit was served for dinner
 
Was watching what he thought was a video of Brittney Spears getting naked... it was one of those videos where a demon's face pops up and screams at you
 
In fifth grade, he and a group of friends saw an old man with an axe split a cat's head open
 
10 years old, walked in on his parents having sex... the next day, he heard his GRAND parents having sex
 
Playing on a trampoline, landed on a stump and broke his leg... to this day, he can't deal with seeing anyone with broken legs
 
Did search and rescue at age 13 (at the urging of his mother) so in addition to seeing many dead bodies, he also found an old man who was alive... and then died in front of him
 
He was in 4th grade sitting next to his 78- year- old grandmother eating dinner... she took one bite of dessert, suffered a massive heart attack and then died
 
Saw his drunk mother sitting naked on the toilet after she'd just had sex with his step- father
 
SIT AND SPIN
Ever wonder what the best 12 songs are that are about food?  Me neither, but here's a link:
 
OK bitches, I'm outta here.
 
Until tomorrow, thoughts arrive like butterflies, so STAY BEAUTIFUL!"
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Topics: Human Interest
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Locations: New York City
People: Brittney Spears




 
SHOW # 1833 NOVEMBER 22 2013
"Hola,
 
Kanye West; I think we can all agree that he's a fool's fool; the kind of whiney idiot that makes other whiney idiots seem like intellectual juggernauts.  Hell, Kanye's close and personal relationships with stupidity and willful ignorance are part (or maybe ALL) of his 'appeal'.  His latest (but my no means his last) offering comes courtesy of an interview he did earlier this week where he compared himself to the main character from the movie "12 Years a Slave"... which is the true story of a free black man who was kidnapped and forced into slavery in 1841.  Why does Kanye feel 'enslaved'?  Well, OBVIOUSLY, it's because Nike only let him design TWO pairs of shoes and Louis Vuitton... THAT assh*le... only let him design ONE pair of shoes!  If THAT doesn't carry the racist, abusive stench of slavery, I don't know what does.  Ah... Kanye West, biggest p*ssy in America... and dumber than a bag of hammers.  He's one of those guys who just doesn't get how lucky he is to get to do what he gets to do.  Some people might think he's just an ingrate, but I think he's too stupid to be ungrateful.  Truly.  At any rate, a lot of us get to do things that other people might not be able to do, and that's the question:  WHAT DO YOU GET TO DO THAT OTHER PEOPLE THINK IS COOL?
 
Works for REI and gets to travel all over the world on the company's dime
 
As a side gig, he designs the lighting for metal shows
 
Her dad has been in a lot of tribute bands...
 
As an amateur fighter, he gets to train with and meet a lot of the UFC guys
 
He's an accountant, so no one envies anything he does
 
Gets "paid to travel the world by ocean"... or as the rest of us call it, he works on a boat.  That being said, he's visited 26 countries in 10 years
 
Designs crash test equipment and labs all over the world
 
Used to be a surgeon for large animals
 
He's an airplane pilot for Virgin America... gets to fly the giant Airbuses
 
Just moved here from New York City so all of his "burn out" friends think he's the man because he gets to smoke weed LEGALLY. 
 
Produced porn for over 20 years... worked for Max Hardcore
 
He's an ice road trucker... ever since the show of the same name came out, people think his job is cool.  Maybe they've never seen the show?  That sh*t looks unnecessarily dangerous
 
He's a helicopter pilot instructor... or maybe that's what he says to get the chicks
 
OK bitches, the weekend is here!  Time to get this party started... and by 'party', I mean finish up some work.
 
Until Monday, do what you do best and STAY BEAUTIFUL!"
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Topics: Social Issues
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Locations: York
People: Kanye WestMax Hardcore




 
SHOW # 1831 NOVEMBER 20 2013
"Hola,
 
Ergoflex, a British mattress company, conducted a survey to find out what people found to be the most difficult adjustment to make when sharing a bed with a new partner for the first time.  The list covers everything from farting to hogging the covers to snoring.  After you've been with that person for awhile you find a way to just get used to these things and accept that they're not gonna change.  That is, generally speaking, how every new situation goes.  Doesn't have to be a relationship; if you moved around a lot as a kid (as I did) you know the suckiness that is starting at a new school, having to make new friends and all that crap.  And if you're an adult whose moved, adjusting to a new town takes a little time.  Hell, if you don't have kids but plan on it in the future, forget anything you think you know.  In fact, a woman named Lauren Hartman just penned an article about that very thing for www.yahoo.com.  We've all had to make adjustments to something new; going to jail or getting out of jail; joining the military or re-entering the civilian population, losing a job, starting a new one; today we wanted to know:  WHETHER YOU WANTED TO OR NOT, WHAT ADJUSTMENT DID YOU HAVE TO GET USED TO? 
 
Discovered that "fishing" in Alaska is hard work with hard people
 
Got a pacemaker last year (he's 26) and has had to adjust to, well, being 26 and having a pace maker
 
Moved from Texas to Montana at age 16
 
Got custody of his 2 boys (ages 6 and 2) last year.  His ex is a druggie and kinda disappeared off the face of the earth
 
Became a lefty after losing his right hand
 
His difficult adjustment; former career criminal is now a family man.  Keep on keeping on.
 
Got out of drug dealing and now has a 'legit' job... he's trying to adjust to not making nearly as much money
 
Was dating a girl in high school; unbeknownst to them, their parents (her father and his mother) were ALSO dating.  The parents decided to move in together, so they had to move in together too... and then they broke up but still had to live together for a little while.  Their parents are still together.  Yea, things are awkward
 
She moved to Seattle from Tanzania (like SO many of us) and had a hard time adjusting to the cultural differences; namely, the fact that everything in the states is predicated on 'social etiquette' (those things you 'can' and 'cannot' bring up in conversation) and it's just not like that in Tanzania 
 
Moved back in with his parents after his fiancé died of an overdose
 
His mother passed away 3 years ago so he suddenly had custody of his 15- year- old sister and his newborn kid.  Wasn't easy, but they all survived and are closer than ever
 
OK bitches, I'm about to venture into the cold and get jiggy.  I don't quite know what 'jiggy' is, but I'm feeling it.
 
Until tomorrow, get jiggy and STAY BEAUTIFUL!"
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SHOW # 1831 NOVEMBER 20 2013
"Hola,
 
Ergoflex, a British mattress company, conducted a survey to find out what people found to be the most difficult adjustment to make when sharing a bed with a new partner for the first time.  The list covers everything from farting to hogging the covers to snoring.  After you've been with that person for awhile you find a way to just get used to these things and accept that they're not gonna change.  That is, generally speaking, how every new situation goes.  Doesn't have to be a relationship; if you moved around a lot as a kid (as I did) you know the suckiness that is starting at a new school, having to make new friends and all that crap.  And if you're an adult whose moved, adjusting to a new town takes a little time.  Hell, if you don't have kids but plan on it in the future, forget anything you think you know.  In fact, a woman named Lauren Hartman just penned an article about that very thing for www.yahoo.com.  We've all had to make adjustments to something new; going to jail or getting out of jail; joining the military or re-entering the civilian population, losing a job, starting a new one; today we wanted to know:  WHETHER YOU WANTED TO OR NOT, WHAT ADJUSTMENT DID YOU HAVE TO GET USED TO? 
 
Discovered that "fishing" in Alaska is hard work with hard people
 
Got a pacemaker last year (he's 26) and has had to adjust to, well, being 26 and having a pace maker
 
Moved from Texas to Montana at age 16
 
Got custody of his 2 boys (ages 6 and 2) last year.  His ex is a druggie and kinda disappeared off the face of the earth
 
Became a lefty after losing his right hand
 
His difficult adjustment; former career criminal is now a family man.  Keep on keeping on.
 
Got out of drug dealing and now has a 'legit' job... he's trying to adjust to not making nearly as much money
 
Was dating a girl in high school; unbeknownst to them, their parents (her father and his mother) were ALSO dating.  The parents decided to move in together, so they had to move in together too... and then they broke up but still had to live together for a little while.  Their parents are still together.  Yea, things are awkward
 
She moved to Seattle from Tanzania (like SO many of us) and had a hard time adjusting to the cultural differences; namely, the fact that everything in the states is predicated on 'social etiquette' (those things you 'can' and 'cannot' bring up in conversation) and it's just not like that in Tanzania 
 
Moved back in with his parents after his fiancé died of an overdose
 
His mother passed away 3 years ago so he suddenly had custody of his 15- year- old sister and his newborn kid.  Wasn't easy, but they all survived and are closer than ever
 
OK bitches, I'm about to venture into the cold and get jiggy.  I don't quite know what 'jiggy' is, but I'm feeling it.
 
Until tomorrow, get jiggy and STAY BEAUTIFUL!"
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SHOW # 1831 NOVEMBER 20 2013
"Hola,
 
Ergoflex, a British mattress company, conducted a survey to find out what people found to be the most difficult adjustment to make when sharing a bed with a new partner for the first time.  The list covers everything from farting to hogging the covers to snoring.  After you've been with that person for awhile you find a way to just get used to these things and accept that they're not gonna change.  That is, generally speaking, how every new situation goes.  Doesn't have to be a relationship; if you moved around a lot as a kid (as I did) you know the suckiness that is starting at a new school, having to make new friends and all that crap.  And if you're an adult whose moved, adjusting to a new town takes a little time.  Hell, if you don't have kids but plan on it in the future, forget anything you think you know.  In fact, a woman named Lauren Hartman just penned an article about that very thing for www.yahoo.com.  We've all had to make adjustments to something new; going to jail or getting out of jail; joining the military or re-entering the civilian population, losing a job, starting a new one; today we wanted to know:  WHETHER YOU WANTED TO OR NOT, WHAT ADJUSTMENT DID YOU HAVE TO GET USED TO? 
 
Discovered that "fishing" in Alaska is hard work with hard people
 
Got a pacemaker last year (he's 26) and has had to adjust to, well, being 26 and having a pace maker
 
Moved from Texas to Montana at age 16
 
Got custody of his 2 boys (ages 6 and 2) last year.  His ex is a druggie and kinda disappeared off the face of the earth
 
Became a lefty after losing his right hand
 
His difficult adjustment; former career criminal is now a family man.  Keep on keeping on.
 
Got out of drug dealing and now has a 'legit' job... he's trying to adjust to not making nearly as much money
 
Was dating a girl in high school; unbeknownst to them, their parents (her father and his mother) were ALSO dating.  The parents decided to move in together, so they had to move in together too... and then they broke up but still had to live together for a little while.  Their parents are still together.  Yea, things are awkward
 
She moved to Seattle from Tanzania (like SO many of us) and had a hard time adjusting to the cultural differences; namely, the fact that everything in the states is predicated on 'social etiquette' (those things you 'can' and 'cannot' bring up in conversation) and it's just not like that in Tanzania 
 
Moved back in with his parents after his fiancé died of an overdose
 
His mother passed away 3 years ago so he suddenly had custody of his 15- year- old sister and his newborn kid.  Wasn't easy, but they all survived and are closer than ever
 
OK bitches, I'm about to venture into the cold and get jiggy.  I don't quite know what 'jiggy' is, but I'm feeling it.
 
Until tomorrow, get jiggy and STAY BEAUTIFUL!"
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SHOW # 1830 NOVEMBER 19 2013
"Hola,
 
OK, imagine that your mother- in- law comes to town for a visit; it is what it is... until you see her using a back massager to soothe her aching bones, only, unbeknownst to her, she's not using a back massager, she's using your wife's vibrator.  Do you tell her?  (I say no) but that's the dilemma facing one guy.  Meanwhile, there's a woman out there who, like SO many women, doesn't want her boyfriend to hear or smell her farts.  What she does is go into the bathroom and fart into his BATH TOWELS to both muffle the thunder and mask the stink.  Maybe it's just me, but that seems so much worse.  The boyfriend doesn't know that he's drying himself off with her emissions.  Then there's some country band called Gloriana and one member of the band, Tom Gossin, got married earlier this year.  His band mate and brother (the same person) threw him a bachelor party... and because we're cynics, we assume it was an INCREDIBLE... because Tom claims he doesn't remember anything that happened.  Translation; his wife would be PISSED if she knew what went down.  Some things are better left unrevealed:  WHAT DID YOU DETERMINE SOMEONE WAS BETTER OFF NOT KNOWING?
 
Peed in a pint glass and dumped it down the kitchen sink because his girl was pooping and taking too long.  She used the glass to drink some water.  He chose not to tell her
 
Her husband doesn't know that she'd been with OVER 100 sexual partners before they met
 
Never told his buddy that he'd seen his (buddy's) wife in porn before they met
 
Hasn't told anyone that he got a DUI 6 months ago
 
Saw his mother- in- law's vagina before she was his mother- in- law.  Said she's a good looking woman and was happy to see it... but he hasn't told his wife or mother- in- law
 
His ex- wife told him how incredibly big her ex's penis was/ is.  Wishes he didn't know (meaning the ex's d*ck is bigger) and, furthermore, he never asked
 
Made a sex video on his phone of he and his girlfriend.  The girlfriend was well aware of the video, but what she doesn't know is that he dropped the phone at work, and that the phone was found by a female co- worker who showed the video to everyone in the office
 
SIT AND SPIN
Know what a vibraslap is?  No?  It's that musical instrument that sounds like a rattle snake... made immortal by Ozzy Osbourne's "Crazy Train".  You might think "Crazy Train" is the only song that makes use of the vibraslap... and you'd be wrong.  Jolene has a list and a link to over 30 songs (many you'll be familiar with) that make use of the vibraslap.  Here's a link to the madness:
 
I'm up outta this here bitch.
 
Until tomorrow, feed it and STAY BEAUTIFUL!"
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SHOW # 1828 NOVEMBER 15 2013
"Hola,
 
So, we learned a new term today; 'sleep tattoos'... defined as 'the markings on the body left behind from sleeping for an extended period of time'.  We've all been victims of it and had the misfortune of having to explain to others what the weird imprints are on your face.  Last night, as we prepared to go to our Black Party, Miles was chatting with a man who had only one eye.  In spite of how obvious it was, the guy felt the need to TELL Miles that he had only one eye.  And then there's a guy in Chicago who caught his girlfriend having sex with another guy... so he knocked the guy unconscious and LIT HIS B*LLS ON FIRE!  On FIRE, bitches!!!  The guy was hospitalized and will recover, but at some point in the future, he'll have to explain to some chick why he has crispy bits.  At least he HAS bits.  There's a woman named Jacqui Beck who has no vagina.  She's never had one.  She was born without one.  Yea, I dunno.  Anyway, these stories inspired today's question:  HOW DO YOU EXPLAIN THAT THING ON YOUR BODY?
 
Has three purple freckles on his penis... has to explain to every woman he's ever been with that they're just freckles.  The real problem is that he has no other freckles anywhere on his body
 
In college he branded a heart on his chest... it looks like crap
 
He filled a melon with lighter fluid, lit it on fire and hit it with a golf club (???) and now he has burn scars all over his chest
 
Has two bellybuttons; sort of... Has a real one and then, as a result of a surgery from childhood, has a scar that looks like another bellybutton right above it
 
Has a weird growth protruding out of the back of his head
 
Has unusually big toes
 
She has a cyst on her lower throat that looks like an Adam's apple.  Some people think she's a tranny
 
Has a freckle on his iris that makes it look like his eye is bleeding
 
Has 4 nipples
 
Not to be outdone, another guy called who has SIX nipples... SIX... AND a tail.  It's not huge, but a tail's a tail... and he has six nipples
 
Yea, I'm gonna leave you with the image of a six- nippled, tailed man.  You're welcome!
 
Until Monday, do what you do best and STAY BEAUTIFUL!"
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Locations: Chicago
People: Jacqui Beck




 
SHOW # 1827 NOVEMBER 14 2013
"Hola,
 
Do you recognize the name Rob Ford?  Rob is the embattled mayor of Toronto who is currently going through a PR nightmare.  Like former DC mayor Marion Berry before him, Rob was caught on video smoking crack.  He's admitted to doing so, but explained that he only did it because he was piss- drunk at the time.  Says he's not a drug addict... but he WILL get help for his DRINKING problem.  Oh, and he wanted everyone to know that the woman who accused him of saying that he wanted to perform cunnilingus on her was lying.  But he didn't use the term ‘cunnilingus’; he used the much cruder (and infinitely more popular) 2- word term for it... on live TV.  

Meanwhile, in Houston, an ultra- conservative Republican named Dave Wilson was running for a seat on the Houston Community College Board of Trustees... in a predominantly black district.  So, how does a conservative ideologue win the hearts and minds of people who hate his politics?  Simple; you pretend you're black.  It worked, and Dave got the votes he needed.  It's outrageous... but kinda funny.  Besides, it's up to the voter to research their candidates.  Sometimes you WANT to hate certain people, but, in spite of yourself, you like them.  It explains the accepted existence of such 'luminaries' as Donald Trump, Gene Simmons, Kanye West, Justin Bieber, Kate Gosselin and a whole host of others.  That's our question:  WHO DO YOU HATE TO LOVE?
 
There were a few good answers here and there, but, frankly, I'm not gonna go through them all today.  Have our Men's Room Black Party tonight at Elysian Fields,  so I've been a little distracted.  Hope to see you there tonight.  We're serving hot dogs, bitches!  Hot dogs!
 
I'm outta here.
 
Until tomorrow, drink up and STAY BEAUTIFUL!"
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SHOW # 1826 NOVEMBER 13 2013
"Hola,
 
I was never the hot or popular guy in high school (or subsequently), but like all schools, someone was.  Same is true among women, of course.  There was always the super- hot girl with the big boobs that every guy wanted to be with.  If you're like most people, the immediate assumption is that he or she was a bitch or a douche... and in many cases they were, sometimes not.  Either way, they all have one thing in common; the rest of us can't help but wonder whatever happened to them.  Thanks to things like Facebook and gossip in general, most of us can find out.  Inspired by a little something we read on www.reddit.com... and our own curiosity, we wanted to know:  WHAT HAPPENED TO THE HOTTIE FROM HIGH SCHOOL... AND ARE YOU HAPPY ABOUT IT?
 
She got fat and has a "ton" of kids
 
Saw his hottie at their ten- year reunion... both of them had been married and divorced... they're currently living together
 
The female hottie is currently homeless and strung out on drugs... the popular guy from high school was a body guard for Brittney Spears and the Jonas Bothers
 
The hot girl from high school continues to get hotter... and it drives him crazy
 
Married his high school hottie right out of school... got divorced 10 DAYS later.  They bumped into each other at the 30- year reunion and she STILL looks good
 
Ran into the high school hottie at a bar... she'd GAINED 200 pounds and had 3 kids... so he took her home and had sex with her anyway
 
He dated the high school hottie for a little while, but she dumped him for the school quarterback... fast- forward 20 years; she works at a strip club... but still looks decent
 
She now works in the porn industry
 
_________________________________
 
So, today is my daughter's 3rd birthday.  I can't believe that sh*t.  She's beautiful and has been an incredible joy... but seriously, Mickey Mouse Clubhouse and Little Einsteins are a pain to watch.  Hate those f**king shows.  The worst part is that I find myself singing their theme songs... and not on purpose!  Anyway, Happy Birthday, Bug. 
 
OK bitches, the sap is done and I'm outta here to 'enjoy' some kid- friendly pizza... and I couldn't be happier... but don't tell anyone.
 
Until tomorrow, it's a hot dog day, so STAY BEAUTIFUL!"
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Topics: EducationHuman Interest
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People: Brittney Spears




 
SHOW # 1825 NOVEMBER 12 2013
"Hola,
 
Remember the killer whale at Sea world that drowned it's trainer back in 2010?  The orca's name is Tillikum, and that trainer was the SECOND trainer it had intentionally killed.  At any rate, there is now pending legislation that would prevent trainers from having any physical contact with the animals.  I've always argued that there shouldn't be any legislation to protect people from themselves; if you wanna jump in the water with an animal nicknamed KILLER whale, suit yourself.  Similarly, if you choose to move to a place nicknamed "tornado alley", that's all you.  On that note, should you pursue a career in porn, you understand the risks.  Much was made of California's fairly recent law requiring porn actors to wear condoms; well now, California has cranked the ridiculous to '11' with new (as- yet- unpassed) legislation requiring performers to wear GOGGLES should their sex act put them in a position where they risk getting semen in their eyes.  I think we all know what 'position' that would be.  Nothing says "sexy" quite like safety goggles.  Not all precautions are as asinine as this, and that leads to today's question:  WHAT WARNING OR SAFETY PRECAUTION SHOULD YOU HAVE PAID ATTENTION TO?
 
Was working at a slaughter house... wasn't wearing his chain mail... stabbed himself in the stomach... about 6 inches of blade went into his gut
 
Ruptured his biceps this past Saturday when he started showing off on gymnast rings... ignored the sign that read "stay off if you're drunk".  He was drunk
 
Ignored the "wet floor" sign at Wal- Mart and ended up slipping and hurting himself.  The really bad part is that HE was the guy who put up the sign after mopping the floor
 
Ignored the "put chains on your tires" advice when he crossed Snoqualmie Pass... in a snow storm.  Ended up totaling his van
 
Realized that ghost peppers really are hot... just like the multiple warnings suggested
 
Was told to "stick with the group" on a mountain bike trip... got separated and ended up crashing and hurting himself really badly
 
Do NOT use Nair on your junk... Nair warns you against it, but he didn't listen.
 
Asked the question; "how high voltage can 'high voltage' really be?"  Terrible question, terrible answer
 
SIT AND SPIN
 
Men's Room Black, our once- a- year beer (with a much higher alcohol content) hits the shelves Friday.  However, this Thursday we're offering you a sneak peek (taste?) at Elysian Fields.  We're calling it the Black Party (which I'm a fan of) and in addition to our beer, we'll also be offering some delicious hot dogs.  Kobe beef hot dogs.  Anyway, to celebrate our Black Party, we decided to present to you the top 10 black songs of all time.  This list was based on nothing other than what we thought was funny.  Anyway, here's a link to our stupidity:
 
 
Today's Shot of the Day was in honor of my brotha!
 
OK bitches, I'm outtie.
 
Until tomorrow, suck on it and STAY BEAUTIFUL!"
 
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Topics: Human Interest
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SHOW # 1824 NOVEMBER 6 2013
"Hola,
 
Ever fall asleep at work?  If so, you're not alone.  About one- in- five people (22%) admit to having fallen asleep while on the job.  Women are more likely to take a 'work nap' and accountants, more than any other profession, are most likely to fall asleep at work.  I don't think that needs an explanation.  The most shocking thing about 'work naps' (in my opinion, anyway) is the average on- the- clock snooze fest lasts 47 MINUTES!  If you can slumber for almost an hour while at work... and no one notices... you have a worthless job.  While your boss and/ or your coworkers might frown on your work z's, there are worse places to fall asleep.  Boring as the average wedding is, falling asleep at one is a no- no... although, falling asleep at a funeral probably trumps that.  I think we can all agree that sleeping while driving is one of the worst scenarios.  This past Monday in Dallas, a woman driving home after a 13- hour work shift drifted into dreamland and crashed... coincidentally... into a MATRESS store.  Sort of convenient.  Truth is; other than being in bed, there are few times that falling asleep works in our favor... and that's what we wanted to talk about today:  WHAT DID YOU END UP MISSING BECAUSE YOU WERE ASLEEP?
 
Went to a strip club... his buddy fell asleep in the front row before the main act came out.  How lame was that strip club? 
 
He was supposed to go skydiving with his sister and fiancé, but he overslept.  I went skydiving once and would like to do it again.  Don't oversleep
 
Went to her 1st Ozzfest and tried to go beer for beer with her husband... she did... and THAT'S why she passed out and missed the show
 
Thanks to an inability to gauge his level of sobriety, he habitually misses the stroke of midnight on New Year's Eve
 
Almost missed his exit... BECAUSE HE WAS ASLEEP AT THE WHEEL.  I think the more succinct answer would have been "I almost missed out on growing old"
 
Slept through a tornado.  Grew up in Kansas and lived in mobile home (of course).  By the time he woke up, the tornado had already passed, but not before tearing the roof off of his trailer.  Insists that he's a light sleeper now
 
Missed his wedding reception
 
Fell asleep during Stryper concert... if you're familiar with Stryper you'll understand why
 
Missed his 21st birthday.  Come on, man, that's the big one
 
Both he and his wife slept through the first night of their honeymoon
 
Missed out on a threesome as a result of falling asleep. 
 
Slept through a 8- person orgy that COULD have been a 9- person orgy
 
OK bitches, I'm done for the day.  Have yourselves a fantastic night... or don't.  Totally up to you.
 
Until next time, do what you best and STAY BEAUTIFUL!"

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Locations: DallasKansas
People: Went




 
SHOW # 1823 NOVEMBER 5 2013
"Hola,
 
An 80- year- old man in Russia had the distinct misfortune of bumping into a bear in a field.  The bear did all the growly stuff you'd expect from a bear... and in response, the old man unleashed a flurry of kicks and head- butts until he knocked the bear off balance.  Instead of biting the guy, the bear threw the octogenarian off of a cliff.  The 80- year- old survived.  In California, a 90- year- old man jumped in front of a charging horse (he worked at a race track) to protect a 5- year- old girl in harm's way.  Physics being physics, the old man was trampled mightily... but like the bear head- butter above, he survived.  And then, yesterday, a 100- year- old man went skydiving for the first time.  If you're like me, you'd think he would have been dead by the time he landed... but he survived.  Not saying he'll see 101, but he made it.  Today's question:  WHAT WOULD PEOPLE BE SURPRISED YOU'VE DONE AT YOUR AGE?
 
Had been to all seven continents before age 30.  Liked Europe the most... in case you're wondering
 
At age 24, he's toured all over Europe with his band... while signed to a major label
 
Rode 3 bulls in one day when he was 19... but then, who hasn't?
 
Worked as a lifeguard when he was 17... saved a man's life from a riptide.  Didn't just pull him from the water, actually performed CPR and the like
 
At age 47, he's still shot- gunning beers
 
He'll be 30- years- old next week... he's had exactly one job his entire adult life
 
He's 29 and has a 14- year- old daughter.  He's married to the mother, but only has been for 2 years.  After years of a tense relationship, they rekindled their relationship
 
Races motorcycles... didn't get into it until he was in his 50's
 
She's been in NINE car accidents... she's 38
 
He and a friend gradually stole over $20,000... by age 14
 
SIT AND SPIN
Scott Stapp, yea, the dude from Creed is worth $30 million dollars.  So is Chad Kroegoer from Nickelback.  If that doesn't chafe your ass, click this link and find out what the top 10 earning rock stars are worth:
 
OK bitches, I'm outta here. 
 
Until tomorrow, choke it and STAY BEAUTIFUL!"

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Topics: Human Interest
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Locations: California
People: Chad KroegoerScott Stapp




 
SHOW # 1821 NOVEMBER 1 2013
This past Wednesday, eight sixth- graders in Brooklyn were hospitalized from a "noxious odor" in their classroom.  The entire school was shut down as authorities scrambled to figure out the source.  Turns out that it was Axe Body Spray.  Yep.  Keep in mind that the student responsible for spraying it wasn't playing a prank or anything, he only sprayed himself.  Instead of being mobbed by horny women, he sent 8 kids to the hospital and faces disciplinary action... for using it in the first place.  (???)  As far as smells go, if you're like me, and you love you some Sriracha sauce, just know that it, apparently, tastes way better than it smells.  It's produced in Irwindale, in Southern California, and residents there took legal action in an attempt to shut down the factory, complaining about the "pungent smell of pepper and garlic emanating from the factory".  Unfortunately for the residents, but fortunately for the rest of us, a judged has denied their attempt, so the Sriracha will keep flowin'.  Bad smells have a profound way of burning themselves into our memories and today we asked you to share those memories:  PERSON, PLACE OR THING, WHAT'S THE WORST THING YOU EVER SMELLED?
 
Chicken that had been left for MONTHS in an unplugged freezer
 
Was in Mongolia with the National Guard... raw sewage all over the streets
 
The smell of the contents of an abscess on his cat's ear... they didn't have much money so they lanced it themselves... and regretted it
 
On a flight from South Korea to Alaska... one of his buddies had eaten kimchee for the first time and pooped himself on the plane.  This made several people puke... and for 6 hours at 30,000 feet, everyone had to endure the stench of recycled air
 
50 gallons of raw sewage... in his basement
 
A forgotten protein shake that sat in a car in the Sun for 5 or 6 days.  We had a few answers involving forgotten protein shakes
 
Worked in the OR of a hospital and the one smell he'll never forget is the contents of a perforated colon
 
Ellensburg, Washington
 
The 'ear jam' that builds up around the plugs of his gauged ears
 
His dog currently has infected anal glands and, apparently, it's easy to tell
 
The vats in back of Costco where chicken waste goes.  ANYTHING that has chicken waste in it smells like death
 
Used to be a trash man and, as he says it, summertime is a bad time to be a trash man
 
Served in Iraq and his most memorable stink is the smell of human feces being incinerated with diesel fuel
 
Today's show was the kind of show that might prevent you from eating for awhile.  Apologies.  Then again, we had someone text us that today's show made them both hungry and horny.  Go figure.
 
Until Monday, do what you do best and STAY BEAUTIFUL!"



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