It's no secret that Justin Bieber (yea, him again) is an idiot, but like any celebrity with a seven- figure income, there's no real ramifications for anything he does... and so he continues to be an idiot. Outside of his inexplicable fan base, everyone else is pretty tired of the fool. Well, here in the states we have one advantage; he, like Ted Cruz, is Canadian. In one week, a petition to deport his candy- ass has reached 174,000 signatures. That means that the White House now, legally, has to issue a ruling on the matter. We're pretty sure that the 'Biebs' will be safe, but we like the idea that that many people are asking him to just go the f**k away. All of that being said, all of us have done something that resulted in us being asked, or told, to leave. WHY WERE YOU ASKED TO LEAVE?
Was asked to leave the entire state of Indiana. Had gotten into a fight, was told by the police to leave the state or go to jail
Got kicked out of a bar where he was a regular because of some crazy chick
Kicked out of a Lil' Wayne concert for fighting. Truth was, he was breaking up a fight
Booted from Safeco Field for sneaking in booze... twice!
Was asked to leave WORK after cracking an OBGYN joke to a female employee
Peed in the sink of the ladies room at a local bar. Would have gotten away with it if the bouncer hadn't been watching him the whole time
Was asked to leave work for wearing a bulletproof vest. His brother had been shot and killed a few days before so he was especially paranoid
Kicked out of a Mariner's game because his (now ex) wife is a loud- mouthed drunk. She was almost Tasered, but he managed to talk the cops out of doing it... which is impressive since she was calling the cops 'pigs'
Was tossed from Cow Girls Inc for licking the ass of one of the dancing girls
Involved in a bar fight and punched one of the bouncers... didn't realize it was a bouncer
Before legalization, he was thrown out of a head shop for uttering the word "weed"
Thrown out of Disney World for getting drunk... and fighting Goofy
Gotta run, bitches.
Until tomorrow, drink up, stand out and STAY BEAUTIFUL!"
In the lead up to the Super Bowl, yesterday was "media day", the day where some of the dumbest journalists on earth ask some of the dumbest questions on earth and, essentially, waste everyone's time. Unfortunately for the players, the NFL REQUIRES that they make themselves available for this idiot- fest. Even 'Hawks running back Marshawn Lynch showed up... albeit, not for long. Most players hate media day, and here a few shining examples why; Richard Sherman was about what he thought of Justin Bieber, another player was asked which fat head coach he'd rather see in a thong, while another player was asked who had the smelliest farts in the locker room. Seriously. Ahhhh 'media day'! For us normal folks, we're burdened with plenty of stupid an oft repeated questions. If you're a red headed woman, you KNOW you're gonna get asked 'does the rug match the drapes?' If you own a pick-up truck, you're everyone's go- to when they need to move, if you have a tattoo you'll be asked 'did it hurt?', and on and on it goes. Today's question: WHAT ONE QUESTION, FOR WHATEVER REASON, DO YOU GET ASKED A LOT?
"Having fun yet?" He's a plumber's apprentice
"Are you Irish?" He's a short red- headed dude with Leprechaun- like facial hair
"You got a joint?" Has long hair and a beard
"Are they twins?" He has IDENTICAL twin daughters
"What's in it?" He's a UPS driver and customers assume he knows what THEY ordered
"Can I touch your beard?" He has a huge beard
"Can you eat eggs?" He's lactose intolerant. WTF do eggs have to do with it?
"What nationality are you?" Well, he's AMERICAN, but they mean to ask is what ethnicity he is... and he doesn't know because he was adopted by a black family... and he's not black... or white.
"Does it rain a lot in Seattle?" That's the question he gets every time he travels. I think we all do.
"What's wrong with your eyes?" Has a condition I can't pronounce that causes his eyes to twitch all the time. People assume he's high
"Did you kill anyone in Iraq?" He did three tours of duty there.
"Do you shave your head?" Yes... because his head is shaved
"Are you related to Elvis?" His last name is Prestly. He should say, "yes, Elvis Costello."
On yesterday's show we did our 'Monday Random Question', where each caller is asked a different question. One of the questions that we asked was, "what's your most memorable fart story?". What we discovered is that EVERYONE has a memorable fart story. We started getting all manner of emails, texts and other callers wanting to share their most memorable tales of flatulatory greatness. 'Flatulatory' is not a real word, but I don't care. I like the way it sounds. Anyway, we walked into work today only to be greeted my MORE stories of the fart in our email inboxes, and then we stumbled upon a story out of Germany that involves a farm shed that EXPLODED as a direct result of 90 farting cows. Apparently, the methane flying out of their beefy bottoms interacted with static electricity, ignited and blew the shed apart. No people or cows died, but one cow was treated for severe burns... premature cooking? That, to us, is the ultimate fart story, but we knew that you had one too, so we asked: WHAT WAS THE STORY BEHIND THE GRETAEST FART?
After eating plums all day (???), he and a friend farted into a 2- liter bottle. A few hours later they squeezed in his mother's face (???... again) and she puked. Awww, kids!
Someone passed out on a sofa at a party, so he farted in their face
In 7th grade, the "hot girl" in math class asked if she could borrow his calculator. She was hot, he had a calculator, so he graciously agreed. However, when he leaned over to grab it, he inadvertently ripped a monster fart in her face
In jail he farted enough to clear his cell; 10 minutes later he gamble... and LOST
His mother had gastric bypass surgery 10 years ago and she STILL farts uncontrollably... and they smell awful
Used to fart on his dog all the time... his dog figured it out after a few months and decided to jump on the sofa and fart on HIM. I like that game. Unfortunately, my dog just goes back to sleep
Was getting the glorious gift of oral sex when he sensed that he had the kind of fart coming on that cannot be held. He squeaked it out... and she promptly puked on his lap
Giving a book report in 8th grade when he sneezed... AND farted. Had to live with that shame until his family moved out of state
Had the wonderful experience of checking his wife's nether regions for a yeast infection (like all men dream of doing) when she farted in his face
This is a matter of timing; Was watching the third 'Twilight' movie with his wife. She blasted out a very large fart. At that point in the movie, the main character (Edward?) looks at the camera and says, "what was that?"
Ah, few things warm my heart like talking about farts for hours. Guess there is a Santa Claus!
OK, I'm outta here.
Until tomorrow, lick it, stick it and STAY BEAUTIFUL."
In Cambridge, England, the City Council ruled that apostrophes should be removed from street signs... to avoid confusing emergency services. In other news, emergency service in England is EASILY confused. However, a group called Good Grammar Company (seriously) is protesting the idea. This entire situation is borderline stupid, but, essentially, the 'politically correct' are taking on the grammar Nazis in a battle that's sure to be annoying. The thing that both of these groups have in common is their overwhelming, and seemingly untreatable, desire to correct everyone around them. We all know these people. WHAT DOES IT SEEM LIKE OTHER PEOPLE ARE ALWAYS TRYING TO CORRECT ABOUT YOU?
The personal trainers at his gym... inevitably, whatever he's doing, he's going it wrong
She has a bunch of tattoos and many people (meaning family) continue to object to her getting more. She works full time and has a career, what's the problem.
His wife is a backseat driver and enjoys 'correcting' his every driving decision
Was out of work for 10 months and people kept telling him what kind of job he should get
Her husband is a stay- at- home dad and her friends are always trying to convince her to convince him to get a job. Oddly enough, if the woman stays home with the kids then parenting is a job, but if the guy stays home, he's just a lazy freeloader
People often try to correct his choice of pizza toppings... whether he intends to share his pizza or not
People try to correct her on how to spell HER name. It's pronounced 'Cassandra' but it's spelled 'Quesdandra'. Yes, it's odd, but that's how her name is spelled
She's a lesbian but her grandmother insists that it's just a phase because she's not giving men enough of a chance
OK, the weekend is here, so let's get it going on!
Until Monday, do what you do best and STAY BEAUTIFUL!"
Don't drink and drive. Wear a seatbelt. Wear a helmet when you ride a motorcycle. Wear a condom. Don't eat undercooked chicken. Don't jam a Q- Tip into your ear. Always read the fine print. Don't accept packages from strangers. Don't eat raw cookie dough. None of these are new warnings, but most of us have ignored them more than once and, if you're unfortunate, ignoring these warnings came back to haunt you. That's what we wanted to know today: WHAT SIMPLE SAFETY PRECAUTION SHOULD YOU HAVE FOLLOWED?
Riding his bike as a kid without a helmet... crashed into a parked car and needed 13 stitches to close his face. Still doesn't wear a helmet
Dad always told him not to have sex when he was drunk because "nothing good will happen"... he found out when he had drunk sex and was accused of rape the next day. The charges were eventually dropped
Was removing old flooring with a saw but didn't wear safety goggles... got a metal splinter in his eye
Lost 3 fingers cutting hardwood flooring. Avoid floors
Climbed up to the top rung of a ladder, fell off and cracked two ribs
Discovered that if you spill gasoline on your clothes, you should remove them BEFORE approaching an open flame
Wear a condom! Got a girl pregnant on their second date and now they have a 2- year- old son
Shot himself in the leg with a gun... he also went skiing in the out of bounds area, clipped a tree and scalped himself
Went to Saigon for work and ignored everyone's advice to not eat the local food... spent two weeks on the toilet with fire- hot sh*ts
... is in town and will be performing tonight at the Tacoma Comedy Club, but he dropped by the studio first. To say that we had fun would be an understatement. He's one of those guys whose laugh is infectious. Definitely a fun time.
OK bitches, I'm outta here like Vladimir... which means absolutely nothing.
Most people agree that when it comes to pooping, it's something we prefer to do in private. Ideally, we poop in the sanctity of our own home, but, when our body demands it, we'll do our 'brown business' in a public bathroom. Now, imagine that the toilets in that bathroom are side- by- side, with no walls or dividers between them. Should you be headed to Mother Russia for the upcoming winter Olympics, just know that if you need to drop a deuce, you'll be doing so with an audience. For whatever reason, the new bathroom facilities constructed for the Winter Games feature toilets in pairs... so that you can be as uncomfortable as ever. Today's question: WHAT'S THE MOST AWKWARD SITUATION YOU'VE HAD TO ENDURE WITH ANOTHER PERSON?
Having sex with his girlfriend when her 10- year- old brother walked in on them. Had to bribe him to keep him quiet
Got set up on a blind date... with the same girl... twice. They didn't like each other after the first date
His friend crapped his pants and he had to drive him home wearing an orange vest as a diaper
Had a wet dream... on a PLANE! A flight attendant noticed. He panicked and said, "I was dreaming of you." Didn't go over very well. It was a 14 hour flight to Australia
She's 22, her boyfriend is 25, however, her mother still gave them a long talk about abstinence
In high school, she was a 'goth' chick and didn't talk to many guys. A year out of high school she gets a job as a stripper... the high school football team came in and saw her
In Afghanistan he had to share a 6 by 12 foot room with a guy who was a chronic masturbator. He tried to hide it, but failed miserably
Having sex with a woman... her grandmother walked in and sat down next to them
You know what I hate most about walking my dog? It's the fear that a porcupine will drop from the sky and onto my head. That's exactly what happened to a woman in Brazil. She was walking her dog when a porcupine fell off a lamp post and onto her head... leaving 200 quills embedded in her scalp. You know what I hate about grabbing stuff out of the car in my own driveway? It's that fear that some fool is gonna lose control of his car, hit a power pole and pin me between the bumper of his wreckage and my car. Happened yesterday to a guy in south Seattle. And do you know what I hate about riding a bike? It's the fear that I'll get embedded in the windshield of the car that hit me.. and the driver won't notice until they get home. Happened on Saturday to a guy in Wisconsin. Clearly, these things happen, albeit, not very often. I REALLY WAS MINDING MY OWN BUSINESS WHEN __________ HAPPENED?
His dog got sprayed by a skunk and then came running into the house and jumped in his lap while he was watching tv
A butterfly peed in his eye while he was riding his bike... he crashed
She was waiting for the bus when she saw two cops Taser a perp
Watched a guy argue with his girlfriend, get fed up and jump in front of a moving car
Served in Iraq and was dropping a deuce in a Port- O- John when a mortar went off nearby.. literally scaring the sh*t out of him
Got t- boned by a drunk driver... the drunk driver had an interlock device on his car. Note; interlocks don't do sh*t
Her husband was minding his own business barbequing when her brother 'accidentally' shot him in the leg with a 9 mm. They're still paying the medical bills
Worked for the power company and had to dig a 3- foot hole and go into it head- first. Everything was going accordingly until a 120- pound Black Lab mounted him from behind and "had it's way" with him for quite "awhile".
His co-worker tried to 'dislodge' the dog, but it tried to bite him when he did. Eventually, the co-worker returned with a shovel, but the whole situation lasted about 3 minutes... or 21 dog- minutes.
SIT AND SPIN
You may have heard, but the Seahawks beat the highly overrated 49ers this past Sunday to earn their second trip to the Super Bowl. Anyway, Jolene brought us the top 10 'victory' songs.
OK bitches, I'm outta here. Plenty to do, bitches.
Until tomorrow, slap yo pappy and STAY BEAUTIFUL!"
You got to the emergency room with a light bulb hopelessly lodged in your rectum; you tell the doctor you inadvertently sat on a lamp. No one believes you. You're a teenager lying naked in bed with your girlfriend when her father catches you; you tell him you were just sleeping. No one believes you. If you're naked in a car in a Target parking lot with TWO open jars of Vasoline, the cops who find you don't believe that you were just "changing your clothes"... even if you ARE New York Jets tight end Kellen Winslow. Look, even the most honest people will try to sell you complete B.S. if the truth is humiliating, hurtful or incarcerate-y. WHAT'S THE STOY YOU TOLD, DID ANYONE BELIEVE YOU AND WHAT'S THE REAL STORY?
What I figured out during the course of today's show is why I got busted for everything as a kid; I didn't grow up with a pet. Seriously. I never put it together until today. Seems that many a person, as a kid, could break, burn, steal, or stain ANYTHING in their house and get away with it by simply blaming the animal. My brother and I had no such luck. If we were responsible, we got our come- uppins quickly. As it is, my kids have the luxury of having a dog that they can blame for any myriad of things... leading me to wonder how many times I've been duped already. Although, to be fair, the dog is not nearly responsible for as many silent farts as I would have you believe.
All I've got today, bitches.
It's a three day weekend, so enjoy it and drink as much as you'd like for Sunday's game... because you have an extra day to recover.
Until Tuesday, do what you do best and STAY BEAUTIFUL!
There's a (very stupid) guy in Nigeria who is suing the makers od Close- Up toothpaste. See, their commercials led him to believe that he'd get chicks if he just brushed with Close- Up. After seven years of brushing exclusively with Close- Up, he's failed to land a single date. He says that he can't even get a woman to have coffee with him, in spite of them being able to smell his breath. (???) Now he's pissed and he's suing. There was a similar lawsuit filed in India against the makers of Axe Body Spray. The guy wore the stuff but failed to get laid. On some level, virtually everything we do is connected to the idea of impressing other people. We had a list of the 8 Thing People Do Because It's 'Cool and it included stuff like wearing designer clothes, rocking the saggy pants look, tanning, waxing, etc. All of us are guilty of this stuff because, frankly, everyone hopes to look good... or NOT look ugly at the very least. It's what we do. WHAT DID YOU BUY OR DO WITH THE SOLE PURPOSE OF ATTRACTING THE OPPOSITE SEX... OR THE SAME SEX?
In 6th grade he saved his money ($60) to buy a pair of Adidas shell- toed shoes because the guys in 8th grade wore them and all had girlfriends. It didn't work for him
Got a hair 'system' back in 1992... unfortunately, he worked construction and his hard hat destroyed the look
Switched from saxophone to guitar to get chicks... it worked and continues to work
Bought a convertible Mustang... it was a chick magnet, but he wasn't
Put deodorant on his inner thighs so his d*ck and b*lls wouldn't smell so bad
Bought $100 pair of sunglasses... lost them in 2 weeks
Used to wear suits everyday in community college (???)... didn't work
Ran onto Safeco Field to impress a chick... it worked
A Wonder Bra and Spanx... now that she's married, both have disappeared
OK bitches, gotta run.
Until tomorrow, eat more chicken and STAY BEAUTIFUL!"
It's no secret that Century Link Field and the 12th Man are the loudest in the NFL. It helps, of course, when the home teams gives you something to cheer about and the Seahawks have clearly done that. So, the fact that the road to the Super Bowl goes through Seattle is the nightmare scenario for every other team in the league. Long- story- short; no one wants to play here... but if you wanna go to the Big Dance, playing here is the price you have to pay. And then there's a guy in Utah named Kenneth Sullivan who's married and a father of four kids. So thrilled with his domestic status that he signed up for Mars One; the company planning to send 24 people to Mars in the next few years. The thing is, it's a one way trip. Assuming it happens at all, you'd go to Mars to die there... probably from radiation poisoning. Kenneth finds that a better alternative than staying home with his family. Sweet. Brings us to today's question: WHERE DID YOU GO EVEN THOUGH YOU HATED THE THOUGHT OF IT?
North Carolina... it was his layover en route to Mexico. Been to North Carolina before, not a fan.
The public restroom at a stadium... he had to poop. He HAD to poop badly
Red Dog mine in Alaska, 40 miles north of the Arctic Circle. It was night 24 hours a 'day', had an 84 hour work week and was surrounded by nothing but dudes
The Walla Walla state prison; he'd originally been placed under house arrest, but he made the mistake of leaving. Ended up in prison for 18 months
Met a woman here in Seattle and hit it off. Eventually she had to return to L.A., but he bought a plane ticket to fly down and spend more time with her. Before his departure date she called to let him know that she'd slept with a dude... and gotten herpes. If you care, she got them from a member of O- Town
Works as an electrician, but unfortunately for him, one of the accounts he has to service is in a mental institution. We're not talking about a place that sad people go, we're talking a straight up place of insanity. Says it creeps him out and the people are, well, insane
Didn't look forward to his first colonoscopy. Now that it's over, he's not looking forward to his next one. I get it.
OK bitches, have some stuff to do that I'll share at a later date. Right now, mum is the word (used to be 'Grease') so I'm outta here.
Until tomorrow, slap the bishop and STAY BEAUTIFUL!"
For most people, there's a moment (or more) in life that validates your own cockiness, your own 'told- you- so' moment. It feels good... right up until you're brought back down to Earth. Sylvester Stallone talked about exactly that recently. He admits that he became a turbo- douche after the release and subsequent success of "Rocky". For the next two years he was, in his own words, "insufferable". Then he released a movie called "Paradise Alley" that bombed bigger than Hiroshima. As he put it, he went to the screening and there were exactly two people in the audience... and one of them was asleep. These things happen. More recently, Justin Bieber has been using his fame to live stupidly, but he may have overstepped his "celebrities- can- get- away- with- anything card" when he was videotaped egging his neighbor's house. Yes, of all the things he could do to get into legitimate trouble, it's egging a house. Doesn't really seem like a big deal until you consider that 11 L.A. County Sherriff's cars showed up at his place this morning, bashed in his door with a battering ram and served the Biebs with a FELONY search warrant. So far, the only casualty has been his friend who was blowing lines of coke when the cops showed up. These things happen. Anyway, for once, he might face the same realities the rest of us do. Aw, who am I kidding? He won't, but maybe he'll learn something from all of this. Again, who am I kidding?
Today's question: WHEN DID YOU REALIZE THAT YOU WEREN'T 'ALL THAT AND A BAG OF CHIPS'?
Plenty of stories; most involved getting their ass kicked by someone who, on the surface, didn't look capable of doing such a thing... OR, it involved many- a- man getting shot down by all manner of women. Hate to say it, but we've all been there. I've lost plenty of fights, but, to be fair, I've never gone into a fight thinking I was kill someone. And I've been shot down, blown off, ignored and shunned by more women I could possibly count. Now it's just my wife who shoots me down, blows me off, ignores me and shuns me... which is nice because at least it's just one woman.
SIT AND SPIN
Dave Grohl turns 45- years- old today, so Jolene treated us to a myriad of musical projects that Dave has been involved with. There's a lot of it. Here's a link:
I'm assuming you're familiar with Men's Room Original Red; we've been pimping it for 3 years and drinking it to boot. Anyway, we got some national/ international "love" on the following list; check it out:
We were quite happy to see that, so thank you Buzzfeed!
OK bitches, I know it's been awhile since I posted a blog, but what can I tell you? I'm back, and I'll return tomorrow.
Until tomorrow, Swiss cheese are for sandwiches, so STAY BEAUTIFUL!"