Posts from February 2014

SHOW # 1883 FEBRUARY 20 2014
Some people join the military or the police force or become a firefighter because that's what their family did before them.  Others learn to cook using recipes that have been handed down through the generations.  There's also Hollywood nepotism, where the children of celebrities get all the impossible opportunities that hard- working actors would kill for.  Nic Cage, Sophia Copola, Gwyneth Paltrow, Miley Cyrus... they all owe a debt of gratitude to their families for their status.  And now there's Francis Weaver of Canby, Oregon.  He was just charged with murder.  10 years ago, Francis' father was convicted of murder after he killed two young girls and burned them in the back yard.  In the early 1980's, Francis' GRANDfather was convicted of killing a man... and then kidnapping, raping and killing that man's girlfriend.  Oh, and Francis' father also raped a woman... who happened to be Francis' own girlfriend.  Francis hasn't raped anyone (that we know of) but he's got the murder thing out of his system.  Yikes.  Whoever you are, family has a profound influence over who we are, so for better or for worse, we wanted to know:  WHAT FAMILY TRADITION DO YOU CARRY ON?
Her mother never took them to the hospital, she'd just invite a friend over to help them set broken fingers, five stitches or set broken noses.  She grew up paranoid that everything was dangerous
3rd generation "Cheese Head" in spite of living in the Pacific Northwest
Courting white women
Father was a chef and now he loves to cook... for other people
The name John... he's John the 7th... 7th, bitches!
Giving awful Christmas gifts... on purpose
Keeps a lock of hair from everyone in the family who's died.  They just cut it off at viewings, wakes, etc.
Every St. Patrick's Day, they drink green milk and Lucky Charms
Watches 'Christmas Vacation' with his father every year
Military service... his father, his grandfather and various uncles have all served
Dinner together every night
OK bitches, I'm outta here!
Until tomorrow, dance bitches, dance... and STAY BEAUTIFUL!"
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SHOW # 1881 FEBRUARY 18 2014
It's no secret that back in the day, Barbara Walters was a very promiscuous woman.  In spite of what she looks like now, she used to be a good looking lady.  Well, at the age of 85, it seems that Wa- Wa still likes to get her sour motor humming and THAT is why she owns a vibrator.  At least, she told the audience at yesterday's taping of "The View" that she owns a vibrator... and she named it "Selfie".  Kind of a lame name, but I can appreciate her efforts.  Meanwhile, Mariah Carey is the quintessential diva; self- absorbed, unaware, vapid and, as divas are wont to do, named her six dogs names that speak to her diva- ness.  They are Muttley, Cha- Cha, Squeaky Beans, Jilly Beans, Pippity and The Reverend Pow Jackson.  We all agree that her husband, Nick Cannon, came up with the last name.  We also think he works so much because of who and what he has to go home to.  But I digress.  So, as much as I'm poking fun at these stupid names, I'm in no position to criticize; I named my penis Lando Calrissean.  Ted named his penis Kenny Loggins, after 80's musical superstar, Kenny Loggins.  People name their pets, cars, guns, musical instruments, body parts, etc.  WHAT SPECIAL NAME DO YOU HAVE FOR THAT SPECIAL SOMETHING?
Sorry, got a bit distracted today, so I don't have the answers we heard.  Apologies.  However, one thing I did notice today was that while us men are fond of naming our junk, we don't take the time to name our testicles.  It's not that it's important, just something I noticed today.  Respect your b*lls!
It's Tuesday, so, as always, Jolene joined us to bring us music no one wants to hear.  In this case, it was the 10 worst classic rock covers of all time.  Jolene nailed it; they all sucked really, really bad.  Reeeaaalllll bad!  Here's a link to the torture:
OK bitches, I'm outta here.
Until tomorrow, Hell's bell, so STAY BEAUTIFUL!"
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SHOW # 1877 FEBRUARY 11 2014
On yesterday's show we asked our Monday Random Question(s)... since it was Monday and all.  One of the questions we asked that seem to resonate was 'if you could see one statistic about yourself, what would it be?'  In other words, if you could find out how many times you've done a certain thing or how many times a certain thing has been done to you, what would that thing be?  Some examples included, 'how many people actually love you', 'the number of times you've been right or wrong in an argument' and 'the number of people who've imagined having sex with you'.  Let's face it, there are plenty of other things you might want to know about yourself; how many times you've flexed or danced in front of a mirror, how many times you've loaned money and didn't get paid back, or how many people are jealous of you and why.  Today we wanted to know:  IF YOU COULD SEE ONE STATISTIC ABOUT YOURSELF, WHAT WOULD IT BE?
I've taken it upon myself to create a list of things I would like to know, not- so- much about myself, but about you.  Yea, that's right.  So, more or less than the average person, how many times have you:
Smelled your fingers after touching a body part?
Secretly farted in a large group of people?
Backed up a toilet?
Eaten something you sucked out of your teeth?
Had an ill- timed erection?  (if you're a mall Santa for example)
Pooped yourself just a little and dealt with it all day?
Wiped a booger under a table or sofa?
Wiped an eye booger on your pants?
Held a poop in a public bathroom stall waiting for other people to leave?
Pulled hair or dust off of something you've dropped on the floor and eaten it anyway?
Coughed something into your mouth, only to swallow it instead of spitting it out?
Considered giving to a charity... but didn't?
Looked at your ass in a mirror?
Left a brown streak in the toilet?
Held a fart during sex?
That's what I came up with.  Discuss.
I'm out.
Until tomorrow, lick it and STAY BEAUTIFUL!"
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Topics: Human Interest

SHOW # 1875 FEBRUARY 7 2014

For whatever reason, the idea of public breast- feeding gets people all worked up into a lather in this country. So, when I heard that woman in Colorado Springs had posted a picture to Facebook that showed her breast- feeding... and that everyone was upset about it, I rolled my eyes.  Then I discovered that she was breast- feeding a PUPPY, and I kinda understood.  She has her reasons for doing what, but she HAD to know people would freak out when she posted the picture.  Maybe she didn't.  Who knows?  Meanwhile, a woman in Brazil suffers from some type of chemical imbalance that, basically, shuts her body down... unless she masturbates for at least 15 minutes every 2 hours; or as I call it, the average.  You could see how such a predicament could interfere with work.  Well, she just won a court battle and now she can LEGALLY watch porn on her work computer and masturbate as needed.  And then there's a guy named Kenneth Haskins from Tampa, Florida.  He burned down his apartment complex to exact revenge against the other residents there who had been complaining about him.  The reason they were complaining was because Ken wouldn't stop masturbating in front of his windows or in his front doorway.  To put him in perspective, here's a link. My apologies.  Today's question:  WHAT'S THE STRANGEST THING YOU'VE SEEN SOMEONE ELSE DO?
In a Safeway parking lot, he saw a homeless dude undo his pants, take a dump, and then drop to his hands and knees to sniff his own excrement.  The Aristocrats
Saw a kid cutting up a live squirrel with a pen- knife on the sidewalk.  Mercy- killed the squirrel and beat the sh*t out of the weirdo
Cab driver got rear- ended by another driver.  The two guys get out of their respective vehicles and get into a heated argument.  The cab- driver goes crazy and starts tearing out his OWN beard
Was in a hot tub at a YMCA... a woman in the hot tub started masturbating with the jets for 10 or 15 minutes
Used to work with a guy who, every single day for lunch, would eat a can of green beans, a can of corn and a can of black beans.  He wouldn't warm it up or anything, just eat it out of the can.  They offered him $20 to eat a can of dog food.  He ate a can of Big and Meaty.  Big and Meaty was recalled two weeks later
Walked into an unlocked bathroom stall to see a guy standing on the toilet seat, squatting and pooping
On vacation, he saw a woman breast feeding a pig... or a really ugly baby, but he thinks it was a pig
Again, if you're one of those unfortunate souls who clicked the link above and got an eye- full of Kenneth Haskins, my apologies.
I'm out!  Have a fine weekend.
Until Monday, do what you do best and STAY BEAUTIFUL!"


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Tags :  
Topics: Human Interest
Locations: ColoradoFloridaTampa
People: Kenneth Haskins

SHOW # 1874 FEBRUARY 6 2014
The folks at put their heads together and came up with a map of America that details the "absolute worst person from each state".  For example, as much as you'd think Green River Killer Gary Ridgeway would represent Washington, he's actually from Utah, so that state has the distinction of claiming his as their worst person.  Washington is represented by serial killer Michael Swango.  He was a doctor responsible for murdering 60 people.  He's currently serving a life sentence in Colorado.  Colorado's "worst person" is actually two people; Dylan Klebold and Eric Harris, the two punks behind the Columbine High School massacre.  Anyway, each state has it's own worst person, making everyone else look bad.  Canada isn't loving Justin Bieber's representation, Kate Gosslyn makes mothers look like heartless fame- whores and everyone in Florida makes everyone else in Florida look like Floridians.  It could be your gender, race, sexual preference, political affiliation, hobby, whatever, today we wanted to know:  HO GIVES YOUR PEOPLE A BAD NAME?
His old boss was a stickler for the rules... unless he wanted to break them
He's from Wisconsin, the same state that just passed legislation to honor the guy who invented the cheese head hat
'Crazy' gun people... he's a gun enthusiast but the people most often represented on TV make him look like a lunatic.  To be fair, almost anyone that the media is going to focus on is going to make everyone with similar tastes look bad.  It's how they operate
He's from Florida.  'Nuff said
He's from Oklahoma and says that the list of people who make him look bad is too long to get into, but he points out that his family likes to go hand- fishing
He's a Muslim Arab... the extremists and the 'death to America' types that our media loves, loves, LOVES to convince you are the ONLY types of Muslims give him a bad name.  The Vatican cover- up, Westboro Baptist Church, whatever your religion, you don't look good right now
He's from Alabama, so everyone assumes he's a racist.  Governor George Wallace, as he says, did nothing to help dispel those beliefs.  They also think he's stupid and incestuous
He's gay and thinks Perez Hilton is going him no favors.  Called him a 'bitch'
Other military wives... they're not all cheating whores
Crazy, right- wing Republicans (meaning the current crop of politicians) give him and other actual Republicans a bad name.  Not all of them hate minorities, misunderstand religion, hate the poor, or is a Bible- thumper.  Some are just normal, non- judgmental people.  Imagine that
OK bitches, I'm outta here.
Until tomorrow, own your flatulence and STAY BEAUTIFUL!"
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SHOW #1872 JANUARY 4 2014
If we've learned nothing else over the past few years, we should all know by now that cruise ships and the cruise ship industry are a conglomeration of diarrhea- inducing puke factories.  Already this year, 35 days total, TWO cruise ships in the Caribbean fell ill due to Novovirus.  In other words, large groups of passengers and crew have been crapping and vomiting in stairwells, pools, hot tubs, the floor... pretty much everywhere.  Both cruises were cut short and had to return to port.  Those are cruise ships.  Then there are this year's Winter Olympics, scheduled to begin this Friday in Sochi, Russia.  We know there are concerns about terrorist threats, the ban on openly gay athletes (have they never heard of male figure skating... I mean, come on, man) and the extermination of all stray dogs (seriously), but now that the media is arriving, the world is finding out that Sochi (Russia's answer to Flynt, Michigan) is ill- prepared to host the international games.  Open man holes on the sidewalk, brown drinking water, no knobs on the hotel room doors, shower curtains fetching $50 on the black market... it's like 'District 9', except that it's not a movie.  Anyway, today's question:  WHEN DID YOU FIND YOURSELF UNEXPECTEDLY ROUGHING IT?
Got stuck on the road in North Dakota after putting his truck in a ditch
Ate something of questionable origin in Korea... no public toilets, just holes in the ground.  Hey man, whatever.  When you gotta go, you gotta go
Broke down 15 miles outside of Ellensburg, Washington.  Had to walk 15 miles to Ellensburg.  Seems that cell phone coverage is just a tad spotty
Just got evicted today for being a "party house"... claims there was no notice, but who knows
Went camping in Arizona and realized that that no one brought a tent... also realized that the Arizona desert gets cold at night... even in March
So, the city of Seattle is expecting 300,000 people (give or take) to descend on the city for Seahawk's Super Bowl Parade and rally.  We spent all day lobbying to get the day off from work so we could join the festivities; meaning, we wanted to get drunk with everyone else... but the brass didn't share our enthusiasm for the idea.  However, we kept bugging them about it so they came up with a compromise; we'll be broadcasting from Elysian Fields (home of Men's Room Original Red) tomorrow at 2!  See, after the rally tomorrow, we're gonna keep it going with our own rally.  So, if you're gonna be downtown tomorrow, join us at Elysian!  Just do it!  You know you want to! 
I'll leave you with that! 
OK bitches, I'm outta here.
Until tomorrow, knock on wood and STAY BEAUTIFUL!"
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