Jabroni Journal: Wrestlemania 33 Predictions

It's The Best Time Of The Year

March 31, 2017
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It’s that time of the year again. For the past month or so, every major WWE superstar has pointed to the huge WrestleMania sign at the end of their interview or match. This could only mean it’s actually here – IT’S WRESTLEMANIA 33 TIME BABY! No matter how ho-hum the event actually looks on paper, it’s something I get excited for like clockwork. WrestleMania weekend brings me back to being 10 years old and begging my mom to order the Pay Per View so I could see Shawn Michaels win the iron man match against Bret hart to earn his first Heavyweight Championship. Spoiler: money was tight so she didn’t actually order it. Instead, I was forced to sit in front of the scrambled Pay Per View channel and listen to the entire event’s audio, picturing just how amazing everything was. That’s how much WrestleMania meant to me! At 31 years of age, it’s still my favorite weekend of the year. Luckily these days we don’t need to call our local cable company and throw down the big bucks…instead WrestleMania is included in the low monthly price of the WWE Network. We are so spoiled. 

Between the 13 matches scheduled on the show and a few New Day segments (they are hosting the event) it’s gonna be a long one. Make sure you are prepared. Get your snacks, your beverages of choice and get a comfy spot on the couch for what is being advertised as the “Ultimate Thrill Ride.”
Without any further ado, here’s what I see going down. 

Andre The Giant Memorial Battle Royal
I see this going one of two ways – if this is the last WrestleMania for the Big Show, I could easily see them having him win to give him one last Mania moment. This would make him the first 2 time Memorial Battle Royal winner. But the second scenario I can see is more likely to happen. It will come down to The Big Show and Braun Strowman face to face as the last two in the ring. Somehow, Braun will lift up the Big Show and dump him out, crowning Braun as the new Giant Monster of the WWE. 

Winner: Braun Strowman

Cruiserweight Championship Match – Neville (Champion) vs. Austin Aries
Neville has been doing a fantastic job as Cruiserweight Champ! He has taken a division that wasn’t really getting much of a reaction from the RAW crowd and turned things around. I love Neville’s evil villain character and it fits his elf-like-looks. That being said, Austin Aries is something special and they have been building him up a lot in recent weeks. I expect Austin Aries to win this one and become the new champ, which will continue their feud as they trade wins back and forth.

Winner: Austin Aries (New Cruiserweight Champion)

Intercontinental Championship Match – Dean Ambrose (Champion) vs. Baron Corbin
Is it bad that I’m really not too interested in this one? I’m just gonna say Dean wins, because not every match can have a title change. 

Winner: Dean Ambrose (Still Intercontinental Champion)

Triple Threat Ladder Match for the Raw Tag Team Championship – Luke Gallows and Karl Anderson (Champions) vs. Sheamus and Cesaro vs. Enzo and Big Cass
Did anyone else see how gruesome Sheamus looked after Raw this Monday? He had a huge gash bleeding everywhere that needed to be stitched up. If that’s any indication, this is going to be BRUTAL. I wouldn’t be surprised if the Hardy’s did a surprise run-in either during or after the match, as they have been rumored to be coming back to WWE and are in town for the weekend. As far as the actual match goes, though, I can easily see Enzo and Big Cass finally getting the win and taking the belts, as they are fan favorites and this would set the crowd on fire. 

Winners: Enzo and Big Cass (New WWE Raw Tag Team Champions)

Six Pack Challenge for the Smackdown Women’s Championship – Alexa Bliss (Champion) vs. Becky Lynch vs. Natalya vs. Mickie James vs. Carmella vs. Naomi
This past week on Smackdown, Naomi made her return ! Because Orlando is her hometown and she is the sympathetic babyface, I see Naomi taking out all 5 of the other women and winning back the title. 
Winner: Naomi (New Smackdown Women’s Champion)

Fatal 4 Way Elimination Match for the WWE Raw Women’s Championship – Bayley (Champion) vs. Charlotte Flair vs. Sasha Banks vs. Nia Jax
Sasha all the way! This match will really ramp up the rivalry between Bayley and Sasha, as I could see The Boss using an underhanded way to win, proving that all she really does care about is herself and putting the wheels in motion for a heel turn. Bad girl Sasha is the best Sasha. 

Winner: Sasha Banks (New WWE Raw Women’s Champion)

United States Championship Match – Chris Jericho (Champion) vs. Kevin Owens
The best friends explode! This is the match I am most looking forward to, and they will put on one hell of a show. If they are allowed to time-wise, that is. Unfortunately it looks like Jericho might not be around too much longer, as he will be taking time away from wrestling to tour and record with his band Fozzy, so I would assume that means Owens will be winning the title. I’m pretty stoked for this one! 

Winner: Kevin Owens (New United States Champion)

John Cena and Nikki Bella vs. The Miz and Maryse
When I first heard a report that this match was in the plans for WrestleMania, I almost laughed. Fast forward one month and I am super into it! The Miz has 100% KILLED IT in his promos and so has Maryse ! It feels like there is some truth to the verbal daggers he is throwing at Cena and in return, John and Nikki are going just as hard. This will be a fun match, but Nikki and John will win in the end and maybe …just maybe, we will get a proposal in the ring ala Randy Savage and Elizabeth. 

Winners: John Cena and Nikki Bella

The Undertaker vs. Roman Reigns
Apparently this is the battle to determine who’s “yard” it is…..??? We all know The Undertaker is insanely dominant at WrestleMania, but there’s no hiding from the fact that Roman Reigns is their new TOP GUY. If The Undertaker’s streak was still intact, this would be tougher to call, but I see Roman winning clean in the middle of the ring as a sea of boo’s echo through the stadium. 

Winner: Roman Reigns

Seth Rollins vs. Triple H
This match is gonna be a rager! This is a storyline that has been building and building and building for the better part of a year….and was damn near ended in a split second. Seth Rollin’s re-injuring his knee on Raw was an unfortunate incident that looked like it would keep him out of his second consecutive Mania, but the freakish recovery time of Cross fit Jesus has him making a triumphant return to battle the Game on the grandest stage of all in a non-sanctioned match. This is gonna be a war! I expect lots of weapons, brawling all over the arena and maybe even a little bloodshed.  I also expect to see run in’s from both Samoa Joe and a returning Finn Balor to even the score. In the end, though, I see Rollins coming out on top. 

Winner: Seth (Freakin’) Rollins 

Shane McMahon vs. AJ Styles
AJ Styles is probably the best all-around pro wrestler in the world today and he has the ability to make any match fantastic, so I have no doubt that this match will be a spectacle. There will of course be at least one HOLY SH## moment from Shane, as he is practically a stuntman at this point! But if the WWE expects us to believe that Shane McMahon has it in him to actually win a match against the Phenomenal One, then they really do think we are all morons. 

Winner: AJ Styles

WWE Championship Match – Bray Wyatt (Champion) vs. Randy Orton
This has the potential to be an amazing match. Though it’s certainly a bit outlandish, I’ve enjoyed the build to this match – ESPECIALLY the visual of Orton burning the Wyatt cabin! I know Orton would get a pretty solid reaction from the Mania crowd if he were to win, but I don’t think Bray’s time as champ is over. I see Bray’s new mysterious Wyatt family members (or whoever those dudes are in the masks) coming to help out, leading to him retaining the title and defeating Orton. 

Winner: Bray Wyatt (Still WWE Champion)

WWE Universal Championship Match – Goldberg (Champion) vs. Brock Lesnar
It’s no secret that Goldberg’s run with WWE is about to be up any week now, so I fully expect Brock Lesnar to take Bill Goldberg on a tour of Suplex City. I just hope this match is longer than a minute or two. I don’t have high expectations about the quality of this match, to be honest. 
Winner: Brock Lesnar (New WWE Universal Champion)