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The Mens Room Blog
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SHOW#576
“Hola bitches, bitties and bitcholas,
Tomorrow, Saturday May 10th, 2008, Jenna Bush, daughter of our President, and granddaughter of our former President, will marry 30 year old Henry Hager. Congratulations to the happy couple and a high- five to Henry for scoring with a chick WAY out of his league. I don’t know if you’ve seen a picture of this guy, but he is one oafy looking goober. Meanwhile, his bride- to- be, Jenna, is rather easy on the eyes, a very pretty girl, and for that reason alone we assume that Henry is marrying the woman of his dreams. Good for him. On the other hand, while he’s gazing lovingly into the eyes of his bride- to- be, Secret Service and armed guards will be staring spitefully at the 200 invited guests. Why? Not because of Henry or even his wife, but because of the same people who pretty much ruin any wedding, the in- laws. Granted, Henry’s in- laws are an extreme case, but let’s face it, sometimes your ideal mate comes with un-ideal baggage… the in’ laws; and that’s what our Friday Fantasy Question is all about: WHO WOULD BE YOUR DREAM SPOUSE AND YOUR NIGHTMARE IN- LAWS?
So the wedding is over now and it’s the holidays… you and the spouse are headed home for a family gathering… here’s your situations:
Spouse- Angelina Jolie In-laws- Rosie O’Donnel (who has the privilege of playing both roles)
Spouse- Scarlett Johannsen In- laws- Jerry Springer and Joan Rivers
Spouse- Julie Felini (playmate) In- laws- Hilary Clinton.
Spouse- Helen Keller (???) In- laws- Tipper Gore
Spouse- Ivanka Trump In- laws- Donald Trump
Spouse- Jenna Jameson In- laws- Jerry Falwell
Spouse- Isla Fisher In- laws- George Costanza’s parents
Spouse- Vanessa Marcell (a very popular pick today) In- laws- Michael Jackson
Spouse- Jessica Alba In- laws- Donnie and Marie Osmond
Spouse- Kate Walsh (yea, she f**king hot) In- laws- Judge Judy (a.k.a. the Ball Buster)
Spouse- Kat Von D In-laws- Barbara Streisand and Gene Simmons
Spouse- Rachael Ray In- laws Mel Gibson
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Spouse- Christina Yamaguchi In- laws- Gilbert Godfry
Spouse- Mila Kunis In- laws- Gary Busey
Hayden Panitierre In- laws- Eminem
Spouse- Kristen Bell In- laws- Martha Stewart
Danika Patric in- laws- John Lithgow and Bette Midler
There were more, but, you know, the hell with it.
On the topic of in- laws, there are certain people you already feel bad for. Imagine if you’re the child of OJ Simpson or Michael Jackson. If at some point in their future they meet that ‘special someone’, how long would they wait before confessing who their parents are? Would you date OJ’s daughter? Or Michael Jackson’s kids? I hate to be that kind of guy, but hell no. There are just certain people who I would avoid at all costs just because of their parents. I know, I know, don’t judge a person by their relatives… but we’re talking about OJ and Michael here.
And on that note, it’s time for me to sat adios… adios.
Until Monday, have a weekend worthy of a rock star and most importantly, STAY BEAUTIFUL!”
SHOW#575
“Hola peace outolas,
Presidential candidate Hilary Clinton is now being told by her own people, the super delegates and the party chair to just go ahead and drop out of the race. After the results of this past Tuesday’s primaries in North Carolina and Indiana, there really doesn’t seem to be a realistic chance of Hilary winning the nomination. She’s vowed to ‘fight on’, but everyone in- the- know is just waiting for her to throw in the towel. It’s not that much different than Scott Weiland’s departure from Velvet Revolver. He made a big announcement that he was leaving the band… but, as it turned out, he was the only one in the band who didn’t already know it. The rest of the band had been giving him ‘the cold shoulder’ for a year because, quite frankly, they had no intention of working with him ever again. Shaun Alexander could probably relate too. Here’s a guy who was proud Seahawk… then the team went and signed T.J. Duckett… and then they signed Julious Jones… and then Shaun was sent packing.
I think we’ve all had that uncomfortable moment when we knew our day’s were numbered and that’s what we wanted to know with today’s question: WHEN DID YOU KNOW YOUR SERVICES WERE NO LONGER NEEDED?
I wish I were making this up, but my computer just went sh*tty AGAIN! For reasons I have absolutely no ability to explain, my computer has decided in the past few weeks to work as little as is humanly possible…er, computerly possible.
Every- once- in- a- while, if I touch my mic, the computer craps out. Every- once- in- a- while when Ted touches a button (ON THE OTHER SIDE OF THE STUDIO) the computer craps out. That is why today’s blog is over. Apologies all around.
Until tomorrow, computers stuck, but STAY BEAUTIFUL!”
SHOW#574
“Hola get away with itolas,
‘The Chicago Tribune’ recently published an article about men who pay for prostitution. There were a few interesting tidbits here and there, but what caught our eye was the statistic that that every guy surveyed found nothing wrong with prostitution and 90% say they would only stop if they thought they would get caught. On the other hand, 12% of married men said they would freely cheat if they knew they wouldn’t get caught. Classy. Kinda seems like being an adult isn’t that much different than being a kid… you spend most of your free time trying not to get caught doing the things they know damn well you’re not supposed to be doing. We’re all guilty of it, but today we want you to feel guilt free about doing the wrong thing. Maybe you want to evade taxes or smuggle illegal immigrants over the border or grill up some tasty bald eagle; whatever it is we wanna know: IF THEY MADE IT LEGAL OR YOU KNEW YOU COULD GET AWAY WITH IT, WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO TRY?
To be clear, we’re not encouraging illegal activity, we simply recognize the appeal of illegal activity. No, we’re not role models.
As for the rest of you role models, here’s what you’d do if you could:
Eat endangered species from around the world… from polar bear to panda.
Drugs; specifically weed, coke, ecstasy, mushrooms and acid. Sadly I’ve done all 5 of these.
Shoot semi- automatic weapons.
Be involved in a car chase. Personally, I think that would be awesome.
Become a vigilante. Is a vigilante a ‘good Samaritan’ with an anger management problem?
Steal a yacht.
Shoot liberals. That call was from Dick Cheney.
Have sex in public. The caller was named Liz and we like her. Grrrrrrrr!
Smoke a pound of weed.
Raid the evidence room at the DEA. I’ve had that idea for years and love it.
Break into Fort Knox.
Go dynamite fishing. Fish go BOOM and blowed up real nice.
Sneak into Area 51 and joyride in a UFO.
Rob a bank. This is the one that got us into a lengthy discussion about the best approach. While none of us have the savvy or balls to actually rob a bank, we did have two different schools of thought on how to best do it. Thee Ted Smith likes the ‘smash and grab’ theory; go in with guns blazing, telling everyone to hit the floor, maybe pistol whip someone for good measure… you get the idea.
While there’s nothing wrong with this approach (other than breaking a federal law) but in the end, you’re probably only gonna walk with about $15,000 - $60,000.
Miles and I agreed that if we were to rob a bank we’d wanna do it ‘Ocean’s 11’ style. We wanna plot for months, hire a bunch of people and pull off a heist. See, a heist will net you millions of bucks and nobody even knows they were robbed until the next day. No get away cars needed, no masks, etc. Besides, you could admit to it and no one would believe you.
Now, back to the ‘smash and grab’; Ted said he’d like to wear panty hose over his head as he enters the bank. Miles thinks the ski mask is the proper attire and I think the Ronald Reagan rubber mask is the way to go. Whatever the case, I think we’re going to perform a social experiment where all three of us wear our respective masks and run through downtown Seattle and see who the cops chase first. We’ll let you know how this groundbreaking idea works out.
Time for me to say adios, my amigos.
Until tomorrow, too much, too young, too faaa- yast, STAY BEAUTIFUL!”
SHOW#573
“Hola poor judge of charectorolas,
Last summer, the FBI launched a search for two men after passengers and crew aboard a Washington State ferry became suspicious of their “unusual” behavior… namely, they were taking pictures below deck. The ferry captain snapped their picture and forwarded it to the FBI who then released it to the media and asked anyone with ‘information’ to come forward. Now, the FBI won’t admit it, but the real reason for alarm was the fact that the two guys appeared to be Arab, and obviously if an Arab takes a picture it’s because they’re planning a terrorist attack, right? Wrong. Turns out they were two European software consultants in town for a week long business conference. They probably won’t be back.
Meanwhile, Britney Spears’ and Kevin Federline’s custody battle began in earnest today and most people agree that K- Fed is the more suitable parent and will win primary custody of their two unfortunate children. He’s already won custody TWICE. Keep in mind, when Britney first announced her engagement to the K- man in 2004, everybody in America wanted her to know how bad of an idea it was, and how lousy K- Fed would be as a husband, and how he was just there to take her money, blah, blah, blah. Instead, K- Fed turned out to be the RESPONSIBLE one. We all got that one wrong.
Finally, the single greatest misjudgment of character comes to us courtesy of director James Cameron. Here’s a guy who passed on OJ Simpson to play the ‘Terminator’ because in James’ view, OJ was just way too nice. Oops.
All of this leads to today’s question: WHO WERE YOU DEAD WRONG ABOUT?
Let’s get to it:
Howard Shultz for selling the Sonics. (Blame NBA Commissioner David Stern for arranging the ‘fix’. He’s the true culprit.)
His mother- in- law. Thought she hated him, but now he knows that she adores him.
Used to idolize Neil Patrick Harris… until he found out he was gay. What the hell difference does it make?!?
Tommy Lee. The guy thought he’d be a douche, but found out that Tommy is actually a decent person.
Gene Simmons. Thought Gene was about the music… until Gene admitted that it was about the money. Poser.
Kobe Bryant. Thought he was a ‘punk’, only to find out that he’s the man.
Eli Manning. Same as above.
Marilyn Manson. Used to just think he was a freak, only to find out that he’s a calculating and somewhat intellectual dude. Still a freak though.
Bruce Willis… wouldn’t sign autographs.
The Men’s Room. Hated us when we first came on, now he likes us. Gracias.
Danny DeVito. Didn’t realize that he was a funny guy… and sexy.
Cal Ripken… another non- autograph giving douche. I used to watch him play minor league ball when I lived in Rochester and then watched his entire major league career in Baltimore… and still don’t like him.
Eddie Van Halen… for parting ways with Michael Anthony.
TONY V
Songwriter and IT guy Tony V came by the studio today to play his latest hit song live. Who is Tony V and what is his hit song? Well, Tony V sent us an audio e- mail (wav file or whatever) a few weeks ago of his strange tribute song to Thee Ted Smith. Since then, his song has won three straight Cock Fights on Jolene’s show, beating Candlebox, Judas Priest and Offspring. Well, he came in today and did it live. Stellar.
OK bitches, time for me to say adios, so adios.
Until tomorrow, le de de doo wa doo and STAY BEAUTIFUL!”
SHOW#572
“Hola lame- assolas,
There’s an organization called USA Swimming, and they released a study that says nearly 60% of black kids do not know how to swim. You’ve probably heard the stereotype, so the study results shouldn’t come as a surprise. Hell, as a black man, I have no trouble telling you that the only way to get me in the water is to push my black ass off of a boat! Actually, don’t do it ‘cuz I’ll scream like a bitch. On the other hand, only 31% of white kids can’t swim. As a result, almost two thirds of all pool drowning involve black kids. Here’s the thing, growing up, learning to swim seemed equally as important as learning to ride a bike or learning to tie your shoes… but, inevitably, not everyone learns all of these things. The situation doesn’t change much for adults either. How many people do you know who can’t drive a stick, or change a flat tire or set up their DVD player, etc.? Today we want to know your own personal shortcomings: WHAT THING DOES IT SEEM LIKE EVERYONE CAN DO BUT YOU?
Other than not being able to hit a ball past the pitcher (as Ted was quick to point out) I can’t think of too many things I can’t do that bother me… but I am incredibly untalented at most things. It’s a gift.
As for the rest of you:
Chug beer
Shave clean lines on his face (I don’t know a guy who’s good at it. After I shave I look worse than before I shaved… I just decided to stop caring. If I’ve gotta look like a transient, I’ve gotta look like a transient.)
Change his oil.
Whistle. We determined that NONE of us can do the “cool” whistle, you know, the one with the fingers in the mouth.
Cheat (???)
Start a fire… as in a fireplace. I’m of the opinion that anything you can do by accident you should be able to do on purpose.
Clean windows. How in the hell can you NOT clean a window?
Balance a checkbook. You DO understand that it’s just addition and subtraction?!? You don’t need a PhD in theoretical mathematics. Buy a calculator.
Drive a stick. Then again, neither can Ted… which is why he cut me off and sent me flying into the crash wall where my car flipped three times in the air and landed upside down. Ted is trying to kill me.
Throw a spiral.
Video games. The caller, like myself, has an inability to master the twenty seven different buttons you need to know to play your average video game.
See the “hidden” picture in those Magic Eye pictures. Neither can I!!! Goddamn Magic Eye!
Skateboard. Like I just said, neither can I!
Snap. I don’t think I could snap until I was about 14.
Gain weight. Women don’t share this problem. Just kidding ladies… or am I?
MAN LAWS:
Our very own Ben the Psycho Muppet has a dilemma that he was asking our advice about. Basically, as he and his girlfriend of two years prepare to move in together (and shed the roommates) they know they’re gonna have to spend a little extra coin. No big deal. Here’s where the dilemma begins: Ben’s girl currently works part time, and knowing she will need more money, has decided to pursue a second part time job. The problem is, she’s looking to get a gig here at the radio station. Ben doesn’t like that idea too much (although she’s trying to pull the old “we won’t see each other much” line) and we agree. We can’t think of a worse scenario than working with your significant other if that’s not where you met. I never, ever wanna work with my wife and I’m pretty confident she feels the same way. Anyway, we don’t know how this will play out, but we agree with Ben on this one.
Stay tuned.
Until tomorrow, happy Cinco de Mayo and STAY BEAUTIFUL!”
SHOW#571
“Hola tv starolas,
Let me apologize for today’s blog… it’s virtually non- existent. If you’re a regular reader of my award winning wittiness, then you know that every so often my piece of sh*t computer just doesn’t work. Today is one of those days. I don’t know why this computer hates me (yea, I take it personally… suck it!) but it does… and I return the favor by hating it back.
Anyway, no blog. Blame the computer. I apologize… I’ll take you out to dinner.
OK bitches, enjoy the weekend like it’s your last… since you never know, it might be. Until Monday, do what every single one of you does best and STAY BEAUTIFUL!”
SHOW#570
“Hola uglyolas,
There’s a British website out there called Gigwise.com, and basically it deals with all things ‘music’; album reviews, concert updates, tickets, band news… all the things you’d expect. Well, they’ve kicked it up a notch and put together a list of ‘The 20 Ugliest People in Music’. You’ll see the list below, and if you’re like us, you too will agree with their nominees, as such monstrosities as Mick Mars, Flava Flav and Chad Krueger all have a place. The thing is, ‘ugly’ is not just confined to musicians, no, ugly has found it’s way everywhere, but like ‘beauty’, ugly is in the eye of the beholder… even though ugliness is not always just because of their face. Sometimes it’s their disposition or their attitude or even the sound of their voice that makes a person ugly. Sometimes it their face, voice, disposition AND attitude. Whatever the case, we all have an idea of who we think is the ugliest of the ugly and today we encouraged you to share your thoughts with our fill- in- the- blank question: WHEN I THINK ‘UGLY’, I THINK _________.
Before we get to your nominees, here’s the list from Gigwise, starting with #20:
Matt Bowman (from some Brit band named Pigeon Detectives)
Boy George
Alice Cooper
Adele (a British soul singer)
Flava Flav (the male version of Whoopie Goldberg?)
Pete Townsend… I said PETE TOWNSEND!!! Yea, I’ll see you in hell.
Patti Smith (spooky looking thing with breasts)
Joe Perry (I guess they’ve never seen the REST of Aerosmith)
Jackie McKeown (another British rock band)
Mick Jones
Geddy Lee (even Geddy admits that he’s ugly)
Chad Kroeger
Ginger Baker
Gene Simmons
Robin Gibb
Keith Richards
Mick Mars
Ric Ocasek
Justin Hawkins
… and the big winner IS: Amy Winehouse. Congrats.
OK, so that was Gigwise’s list, here’s what you came up with:
Barbara Streisand (one of my least favorite people on this planet)
Jay- Z (how does a guy who looks like him end up with a woman who looks like Beyonce?)
Dee Snyder
Hilary Clinton (obviously Bill thinks so too)
Eva Longoria (specifically when she talks)
Ryan Castle (our very own Drunk In Charge)
Janet Reno
Flava Flav
Steve Buscemi
Gary Busey
Sara Jessica Parker
Paris Hilton
Sandra Bernhardt
Iggy Pop (scary looking s.o.b.)
Randy Quaid (to his credit, every role he’s ever gotten is based on the fact that he looks cooky)
Whoopie Goldberg
Don Imus
Herb Weisbaum (from KOMO 4)
Janice Dickenson (is there anything worse than a disgustingly ugly person who tells you how hot they are?)
Jack Black
Larry King… GARLIQUE!
This was one of those days where I didn’t disagree with a single call or e- mail. Sure, some people are uglier than others, but I think we collectively hit it out of the park, so to speak. We loooooovvveeee talking ugly… makes us feel better about being us.
OK, time to call it quits for the day, amigos. Peace and blessings and STAY BEAUTIFUL!”
SHOW#569
“Hola legacyolas,
Jimmy Hendrix, Seattle native- son and guitarist extraordinaire is generally known for two things, his unique guitar playing style and his voracious appetite for LSD. Now he may have a new legacy as a 40 year old sex tape of Jimmy and two ladies has surfaced. Not the worst way to be remembered . On the other hand, super jackass Roger Clemons had the opportunity to go down as one of baseballs all time greats… but after it was revealed that Roger was, well, rogering a 15 year old girl, his legacy probably won’t be the one he hoped for. Same for OJ Simpson, Pete Rose and Barry Bonds. Same for Phil Spectre, Gary Glitter and everybody’s favorite, Michael Jackson. Basically, there is the way we WANT to be remembered and the way we’re GOING to be remembered. That brings us to today’s question: HOW WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE IMMORTALIZED AND HOW DO YOU THINK YOU’LL BE REMEMBERED?
It’s a tricky thing, trying to control how people perceive you. You may start strong, but sometimes, things just go wrong for you. Look at Tom Cruise. Everything was fine, America admired him, then he attacked Brooke Shields for taking some kind of post partum medication and people started to think that maybe Tom was a dick. Then Tom jumped up and down on Oprah’s sofa and we thought, ‘he’s a dick AND a prissy idiot’. Then Tom decided to espouse on the ‘virtues’ of Scientology and his cred was officially shot.
Pat O’Brien, consummate Hollywood and entertainment reporter, was pretty much a staple in the world of celebrity worship… right up until we all got to hear his phone call to get coke, hookers and ‘throw a party’. Personally, that kind of behavior helped endear him to me, but not the rest of America. Unfortunately, Pat fell off the wagon and now he’s out of work.
Paul Reubens, a.k.a. Pee Wee Herman, was a mainstay for years, entertaining children AND adults with his singular brand of weirdness… right up until he was caught jacking off at a XXX movie theatre. Things didn’t go so well for a few years after that. To be fair, if someone goes to a XXX theatre, WTF do you EXPECT them to be doing?!?
OJ Simpson won the Heisman Trophy and went on to enjoy a stellar career in professional football. Then he started acting and America still loved him. Then he went killed his ex- wife, got away with it and is now one of the most vilified people in the country. Douche.
Then there are those people who do the opposite of the above; you know, start out as a bit of a loser and then get ‘cool’ somehow. Take Al Gore; this guy was one of the most boring and non descript sum bitches ever, then he DOESN’T get elected (well, sort of) and goes on to be a personable and popular guy. Go figure.
One of the more interesting calls we got today (in my opinion, anyway) was a guy who believes himself to be the ‘MacGuyver of weed’. If you’ve got marijuana and a light, this guy knows twenty million different ways to create a bong, bowl, spliff or whatever. While this is surely a handy ability, I’m of the opinion that he needs to share his knowledge in the form of a pop- up book. I’m telling you, this guy is sitting on a gold mine.
OK, I’m dying today. Woke up very drunk. My liver has gone on strike and my brain feels like a wet loaf of bread. Other than that, I feel outstanding.
Until tomorrow, watch where you spit and STAY BEAUTIFUL!”
SHOW#568
“Hola time for a changeolas,
Local musician, 56 year old Timothy Garon, has been given only a few days left to live because of his failing liver that has been ravaged by Hepatitis C. The University of Washington Medical Center has DENIED helping Garon get a new liver, in part, because he used DOCTOR PRESCRIBED MEDICAL MARIJUANA! In spite of the fact that weed has NO effect on the liver AND Garon obtained it LEGALLY, the U- Dub transplant committee will let him die. Fine, that’s their decision, … we just find it a bit hypocritical that U- Dub will turn a blind eye on the copious amounts of ILLEGAL weed smoked ON campus by the students, but let a man who is PRESCRIBED medical marijuana die. I guess the difference is that students are shelling out ridiculous amounts of $$$ a year to be there, so like bribing a judge, you get a little latitude.
Meanwhile, as the race for President continues to drag on, many voters are becoming increasingly disillusioned by the process, as they realize that their vote amounts to virtually nothing. Super delegates (on the Democratic side) can render your choice of nominee invalid and the Electoral College, who placed George Dubya in office in spite of the fact that he LOST the popular vote, has many people demanding a change to the system.
And right here in the fine state of Washington, we had the world laughing at us when a man in Enumclaw died after being sodomized by a horse… which IS kinda funny. The thing is, there was no law prohibiting bestiality until AFTER the fact. I suspect the guy still would’ve done it anyway.
All of these lead us to today’s question: WHAT LAW, RULE OR TRADITION DO YOU THINK NEEDS TO BE UPDATED?
I think it’s time to just legalize prostitution. You thought I was gonna say weed, didn’t ya? Yea, you did! Well, I DO think we should legalize Mary Jane too, but why not prostitution? The truth is, before a guy gets leg from a woman anyway, he’s gonna spend money on dinner, drinks, a movie, etc. Why not just cut out the ‘middle man’, give the money directly to the woman and get to it? We can buy liquor, guns, prescription drugs, etc., but you can’t pay for sex? Are you f**king kidding me? Even worse, the evidence would suggest that some of the most common repeat offenders are the lawmakers themselves. Go figure.
As for the rest of you, here’s what you were thinking:
Super delegates
Child support
Use prisoners as slaves
Welfare should be reformed.
Lobbyist should be outlawed.
Do away with the 40 hour work week.
Make it harder to get and keep your driver’s license.
Just stop the “war” on drugs.
As always, there were a few other suggestions here and there, but (a) I just hate this typing shizznit and (2) I honestly can’t remember. My memory is the worst. I retain nothing. Who are you again?
T-SHIRTS
We brought the guy in who ‘designed’ our lame- ass new t- shirts and gave him the ‘business’, so to speak, about the lousy job he did. To prove that we weren’t just being mean, we allowed him (Matt) to read some of the e- mails that came in that pointed out how uninspired his work was. He didn’t care much, but we did inform him that we’ve opened up a competition to design our next batch of shirts. Plenty of people said they could do a better job, so we figured, the hell with it, go ahead and design our shirt. If you’re interested, check out the SOS banner somewhere on the KISW website.
I’m outta here to do a little podcasting. Until tomorrow, excuse my while I kiss the sky and STAY BEAUTIFUL!”
Steve "The Thrill" Hill |
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