SHOW # 1739 JUNE 18 2013
A 27- year- old guy in Nebraska was serving two to four years in prison for shoplifting and criminal mischief. Instead of paying his societal debt, he decided, instead, to plan his escape. He managed to get out and was picked up by his girlfriend in her car... but as soon as they pulled away, they started arguing. His girlfriend got so mad that only 5 miles into the drive, she pulled over and kicked him out of the car. He was quickly re-arrested and taken back to prison... with new charges. Meanwhile, a realtor in Manhattan was listing an apartment online and uploaded seven pictures of the place. Unfortunately, he ALSO uploaded one picture of his penis... but he didn't realize it until he got a call from gawker.com. He claimed he was hacked... but he wasn't. On the bright side, he did manage to rent the apartment later that same day. Hope he told the renters that the place doesn't come with d*ck. Anyway, sometimes things just don't go as planned, and that is today's question: WHAT WAS THE PLAN... AND HOW DID IT GO HORRIBLY WRONG?
Went to Alaska to take a job as a fisherman... instead, he got into 3 separate shipwrecks
Planned to get married, have kids and retire early... instead, he was arrested for voyeurism, had to register as a sex offender and is now divorced
Planned on being single until he was 30... instead, he was/ is married and has 4 kids. Well done
Earlier today, he tried to change the oil in his truck... instead, he drained all of his TRANSMISSION fluid. Waiting for a ride to the auto shop to get tranny fluid
Tried to impress a girl on his bike, but he just ended up flipping over the handle bars and breaking his wrist. Impressive
Got off of his scooter (which he rides with his legs crossed 'Indian style') walked into the gym and flirted confidently with the hot girls at the front desk... didn't realize until later that he still had his helmet on
Stole weed from the dealer's house... ran outside and hopped in the wrong car
Strung a bunch of fireworks together to blow up a fire ant nest... the nest blew up, but the (now angry) ants came raining down on her and her cousins. They were all bitten numerous times
He and two of his buddies all had simultaneous sex with one horny young woman (Devil's 4-way) and all of them used condoms... which is good, except that the promiscuous ho they were shagging was allergic to latex. She went into convulsions and had to be taken to the hospital
SIT AND SPIN
There's a saying, "ignorance is bliss"... maybe. Put it to the test here, as Jolene brought us the "11 Songs Ruined When Their True Meanings Were Revealed"... or something very similar.
OK bitches, it's go time!
Until tomorrow, into the flood, so STAY BEAUTIFUL!"
SHOW # 1738 JUNE 17 2013
Happy Monday, bitches. It's Random Question day and I never review all of the different Q&A that goes on with that... and today is no exception.
Instead, I'll take this opportunity to pay homage to Raymond Lee Cox. Who is Raymond Lee Cox? That would be my uncle who, I found out early this morning, died a little earlier in the morning. Raymond was "that" uncle... the one who required an explanation/ warning before you introduced him to someone. He had a head of cement and a heart of gold. You know the type. Here are a few examples of the cement head/ gold heart scenario:
He was a pall bearer at a close friend's funeral and was the only one of the six coffin carriers not in a black suit. Worse, he was in a green suit. Who even owns a green suit? Anyway, his brother (my other uncle) pulled him aside and read him the riot act for looking so ridiculous at a serious event. Raymond responded that he'd let a friend borrow his one black suit. The 'other' uncle wanted to know just who the f**k he lent his suit to, so Raymond pointed at the casket.
More recently, he decided that it was of the utmost importance to him to buy a Christmas gift for my daughter when she was born. At her first Christmas, she was about 5 or 6 weeks old... and THAT'S why Raymond bought her a $25 gift card to Red Lobster for her. (???)
However, this is the same guy who gave me $10 toward the $11 purchase of a sh*tty tape recorder when I was about 8- years- old. See, I wanted to be on the radio back then and all of the other adults laughed it off as a phase, but Raymond ponied up the bulk of the cash so that I could pursue this whole radio thing. That's what I remember about him most. Maybe he didn't have a head of cement after all?
Alright bitches, I'm done for the day. Bunch of phone calls to make and such.
Until tomorrow, high- 5 the handless and STAY BEAUTIFUL!"
SHOW #1737 JUNE 14 2013
Former Rolling Stone bassist Bill Wyman recently confessed that the band used to forge each other's autograph. It wasn't a joke they were pulling, it was a time management thing anytime they could sign stuff out of public view. So, if you have autographed Stone's memorabilia, but you didn't see them sign it, it may have been signed by A band member... 5 different ways. That's OK, according to a new survey (there's always a 'new' survey) one- in- four women aren't sure that the man raising their child is actually the father. Ironically, on a first date, 68% of people worry about making sure that the other person really is who they say they are. And, apparently, more than half of people who attend music festivals go for the sex and drugs... not the music. So, maybe you've faked a degree or lied on your resume or maybe you're NOT an astronaut... today we wanted to know: WHAT ARE YOU OK WITH PEOPLE BELIEVING ABOUT YOU EVEN THOUGH IT'S NOT TRUE?
Yeaaaaaaaaa... for the third of the five days of WEED WEEK! here in the Men's Room, I was the lucky winner to have their name drawn. So like Monday and yesterday, I did today's show stoned outta my mind. Little better prepared than I was yesterday... which is ridiculous since I was stoned Monday too. Anyway, for me personally,WEED WEEK! has been outstanding. Hope you enjoyed it too.
The weekend is calling my name, bitches.
Until Monday, do what you do best and STAY BEAUTIFUL!"
SHOW # 1736 JUNE 13 2013
Maybe you remember the Taco Bell employee who was fired recently after pictures were posted on-line of him licking a stack of taco shells. Taco Bell, for it's part, says they're fairly reassured that the picture was just a prank and "that none of those shell were served to customers". Maybe. I worked in restaurants for 12 years, and in my experience... Well, now it's Wendy's turn for this kind of thing. One of their employees was photographed drinking a Frosty directly from the machine. He's been fired... understandably... but these things happen, and they happen more than any of us would be comfortable knowing. The reason we don't hear about it is because most people don't photograph themselves doing it. We all have examples from our own pasts. IF IT WAS ON VIDEO, I WOULD HAVE BEEN FIRED FOR THE TIME I DID __________.
Smoked weed on the roof of the restaurant he managed every Sunday... during brunch
Sold weed and gave free gas to buddies when he pumped back in Oregon
Would have been fired the time he nailed the boss's 16- year- old daughter on his desk (he was 17 at the time)... while the boss was out having lunch... with his wife
Had sex with a random chick in the liquor room at a club he worked at... on duty. Wouldn't have gotten fired for having sex, he would have gotten fired for having a woman under the age of 21 in the liquor room
Masturbating in the break room
Sucked all the nitrous out of the whip cream at the bowling alley he worked at
Got a hand job from a temp at his previous place of employ
She worked as a receptionist and if things were 'slow', she'd sit at her desk and masturbate. I'd hire her!
Worked as a cable installer and once took a sh*t in someone's back yard during the job
There were plenty more stories but, frankly, it's getting late.
Oh yea... I was the stoned one today as we continue the celebration we're calling "Weed Week". Little crazy at the top of the show, but once you start flowing, it's all good. Or maybe I just think that. Too high to know.
Until tomorrow, keep it stinky and STAY BEAUTIFUL!"
SHOW # 1735 JUNE 12 2013
So, we've all heard that inmates make license plates. I don't know if it's true or not, but it's one of those things you always here. What you DON'T hear are the OTHER things inmates make. Ever buy lingerie from Victoria's Secret? There's a chance that an inmate made it. Seriously. Are you in the military? There's a very good chance that an inmate made your uniform. We have a list of 10 products you didn't know were made by inmates, and true to it's title, we didn't know. However, it got us thinking; almost everyone has some secret ability that most people don't know about, whether it's being able to tie a cherry stem into a knot with your tongue or being able to belch the alphabet backwards. Today we wanted to know: WHAT SECRET SKILL OR ABILITY DO YOU HAVE?
Aw sh*t. Man, I totally spaced today, amigos. My bad.
I'm outta here.
Until tomorrow, smoke it and STAY BEAUTIFUL!"