SHOW # 2279 NOVEMBER 23 2015
Happy Monday to you. One of the stories that caught our attention over the weekend involves (who else) Donald Trump. Uncharacteristically, this story had nothing to do with anything the moron said, it was the fact that he cut in line at an Adele concert. Again, we weren't stunned that he cut in line... it's TRUMP... that's the kind of thing he would do.
No, what surprised us was that he's an Adele fan. That's not a slight on Adele... she's talented... it's just that we're shocked that TRUMP recognizes that. The idea that Trump even enjoys MUSIC just seems kinda odd.
Barring deafness, everyone enjoys music in some form, right? Still shocked that Trump does too. He strikes me as the kind of guy who doesn't enjoy anything beyond the sound of his own, grating voice.
Enough about the Donald. I was just shocked that he likes Adele.
We had a 63- year- old guy named Hilstead (it's Norwegian) and he has a hunchback that makes him "walk like a gorilla". He's also never been able to straighten his arms. As a result, this dude has never been with a woman. Ever. We're not sure what he looks like beyond his own description, but we feel compelled to help this guy. We don't know HOW we can do this, but damn. Any ideas? Maybe hit up Dennis Hoff at the Bunny ranch?
I'll let you know what we decide to do but we wanna help Hilstead out.
I'm outta here, bitches.
Until tomorrow, perry, perry, thrust and STAY BEAUTIFUL!"
SHOW # 2276 NOVEMBER 18 2015
A woman took her 9- year- old daughter to the Tennessee Titans/ Carolina Panthers game this past Sunday and left angry. Not because her team lost... although her team lost... but because of Panthers quarterback Cam Newton's touchdown dance celebration. You see, Cam had the guile to add "pelvic thrusts" to the routine and the mother freaked. She didn't want her daughter to witness such depravity. First it was Elvis with the hips, now it's Cam doing the dab. They both pissed off a parent. Today we wanted to know: WHAT DID YOU SEE AS A KID THAT YOU WEREN'T SUPPOSED TO?
Innocent enough. Then we got emails like this:
"I was run over by a car when I was six. The girl who hit me had just gotten her permit that day.
She slammed into the tree I was sitting against. This was back in 1977 And she was driving a 64 Buick four-door.
As I lay in the back of the ambulance On a stretcher Her and her parents were sitting on a bench at the back of the ambulance. She had a rag up against her face with a lot of blood on it. When she pulled the rag away I got a profile view of her face . The thin hard steering wheel of the Buick ripped her nose off and she looked like Skelletor.
I should have never witnessed that at that age." Yikes.
And then another...
"While riding my bike when I was about 9 or 10, I saw 2 police cars flip their lights on about a half block away. Being curious, I rushed over to see what the lights were about. I wish I hadn't. As the front of a pickup emerged from the trunk of the cop car in my sight as I neared the cop cars, I saw a gruesome sight. It was a headless neck and shoulders slumped over the steering wheel. I could only see well through a small part of the windshield and somewhat through the window because the whole cab was covered in what was this person's head and whatever was inside. The police quickly shooed me off. I could tell one of the cops was upset that they somehow let me see what was a terrible suicide. I suppressed that memory for 30 years. "
We also had a guy who saw a video of his mom sucking his step-dad's d*ck and a woman who walked in on her mom having sex... it was a THREESOME. Giggity! In its own way, today's show was equal parts traumatic and hilarious.
OK, I'm gonna go smoke.
Until tomorrow, can you smell it? STAY BEAUTIFUL!"
SHOW # 2275 NOVEMBER 17 2015
One of life's more irritating things is not realizing that you have the 'caps lock' on until you're a few sentences deep. Yep.
Then I made the mistake of Googling 'thrush'. Don't do it... I'll do it for you.
You can't UNsee that.
Then the phones went down. They just didn't work. We had a guy (Brian?) on the line, but we couldn't talk to him. It was like the line was dead. However, our phone screener, Mike Hawk, could still talk to him. What did we decide to do? Simple; we had Mike talk to Brian, and then tell us what he was saying. In return, we'd have Mike ask Brian our questions and then, again, we'd wait.
Wasn't the smoothest operation, but it worked out. In the end, we found out that Brian's friend gave him a Guinea pig. The Guinea pig wouldn't stop squeaking... because, I guess, Guinea pigs squeak. Three days later, Brian took in a stray dog. A few days later, the dog ate the Guinea pig. Not long after that, the dog ran away from home. That dog was then killed by the neighbor's dog. Cue Elton John, it's the circle of life.
Ok bitches, I'm outta here.
Until tomorrow, fire walk and STAY BEAUTIFUL!"
SHOW # 2274 NOVEMBER 16 2015
Happy Monday, bitches. Today was the day we did our Random Question Question. We ask each caller a random question based on a different story.
The one story that really caught our attention in particular comes out of Florida. I know. It's not like we do it on purpose. We don't actively look for ridiculous sh*t from Florida, it's that Florida has a, seemingly, endless river of ridiculous sh*t that constantly spills over. Florida is like a test- kitchen of idiocy. Bless its little socks.
Anyway, a 9- year- old in fourth grade had a crush on a girl in his class. Happened to all of us. Well, he manned up and wrote the girl a note that consisted of a hand- drawn heart with the word "I like you" written in the center. He then kicked some 4th- grader game with, "I like your eyes because they sparkle like diamonds." Weak line, but what can you do?
The girl wasn't interested. Crushing blow for sure. That NEVER feels good... but before he had time to feel sorry for himself, other students found out and started making fun of him. Real bad day. Kicked when he's down, but the day wasn't done punishing him yet.
The school principal hears the other kids harassing him for his failed overtures and calls the kid to his office. It's there that the principal informed him that if he EVER wrote another unsolicited 'love' note, they would file SEXUAL HARASSMENT charges against him.
You remember that this is a 9- year- old 4th- grader?
Come on, bitches... we're better than this, right? We can't really be that puritanical can we? I thought we DIDN'T like people who did this sort of thing.
Anyway, that was the main story that got our gears turning.
I'm outta here. Until tomorrow, take a big, big whiff and STAY BEAUTIFUL!"
SHOW # 2271 NOVEMBER 11 2015
Sex is a wonderful thing. Hell, it keeps the human race going on many levels; it literally creates us, makes us happy, motivates us, leads to some stupid decisions and is a pursuit pretty much all the time... whether you know it or not. It's what makes most Hollywood celebs celebs; YOU probably won't have sex with them, but you want to. That's why they hire the good looking ones. There's a reason that 'sex tapes' launch careers more than, say, talent.
Porn is the biggest money maker in the entertainment industry, prostitution is the "oldest" profession and sex makes people. Sex is great... unless something goes horribly wrong. Case- in- point, a couple in Philly were trading "the good sweat" in the back of their car when someone opened the door, pulled out a gun and put NINE bullets in their heads. They were executed WHILE having sex. Ain't that some sh*t?!?
WHAT WASN'T SUPPOSED TO HAPPEN DURING SEX?
Here's some answers from our fellow humans:
Ripped his penis. That's f**king HORRIFYING! He pointed out that's the moment he learned the value of foreplay
She was getting down to the 'dirty business' with her man when 3 RACCOON walked in. Hey boyfriend managed to chase them out with a hatchet... because they had a hatchet handy. Giggity.
His girlfriend passed out. He says it was from the heat, we say he's just really bad in the sack.
Discovered that he was in the process of passing a kidney stone while getting busy. He pulled out and drove himself to the hospital.
His girlfriend was 'of larger carriage' and got on top of him... his d*ck got BENT IN HALF!!! I'm uncomfortable just writing that.
Her boyfriend's piercing popped out went INTO his pee hole! She added that she'd never seen a man cry like that. Yea, I bet you haven't!
Brought a woman back to his place after meeting at the bar. They get busy on the couch when SWAT, along with federal authorities kick open the door. Good news was that they were looking for the guy who lived downstairs from him. Bad news is that f**king SWAT kicked down your door while you're having sex!
Girl started crying BEFORE they had sex, saying, "you remind me of my ex- boyfriend!". That's a buzzkill if ever there's a buzz kill
Actually, every story we heard today was kind of a buzz kill! Broken d*cks, raccoon's... none of those things get my motor running. Gotta look at some porn later.
I'm outta here, bitches.
Until tomorrow, touch it but not too tightly and STAY BEAUTIFUL!"