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SHOW # 1916 APRIL 14 2014
Today is the first day of "Weed Week!" What, you ask, is "Weed Week!"? In a nutshell, "Weed Week!", is the week where we, The Men's Room, allow one of us to get completely baked to the be- Jesus and then do the show. The catch is, we ask you to guess which one of us is the stoned one. Yea, it seems to work out better for us than you, but, well, sorry. Feel free to get high too.
So today is Monday, day one of our 'green' shows. As always (and by 'always', I mean the last time we did this... about 6 months ago) we put names in a hat. Whoever's name was drawn was today's stoner. Basic stuff.
While Ted received the most votes as the show member who seemed high, it was actually me today who was very, very stoned during the show. To be fair, I received the second most votes. However, to put into perspective how high I was, I forgot to post the blog... so when you see this, know that it's now Tuesday Morning... no longer Monday evening.
Maybe there is something to that whole forgetful thing.
Keep checking back all week for updates and links to any article we read during Weed Week
Welcome to Day 2 of "Weed Week!"
Sometimes, when you really, really have to go to the bathroom and you find yourself at the mercy of a public bathroom, few things prove to be more frustrating... or gut crippling... than a door that requires a punch- code to be unlocked. Happened to a guy early Sunday morning at the Francis Marion Hotel in downtown Charleston, South Carolina. He had to poop and he had to poop badly. Anyway, he repeatedly tried to get the code right, but he couldn't do it in time... so he pulled down his pants and pooped on the floor JUST outside of the bathroom. He was arrested and the police report states that "a large quantity of fecal matter" was observed. For his part, the pooper was genuinely remorseful, saying that he didn't mean to do it, he couldn't hold it (long enough to give the keypad another try) and that he'd clean it up. He spent the night in jail... and all he wanted to do was poop. He got SO close.
On a much more serious note, Frazier Cross, that's the former KKK p*ssy who opened fire at two separate Kansas City- area Jewish Center, murdering three people because he hates Jews, blah, blah, blah... well, none of the three people he murdered were Jewish. Small detail, but we know just eats Frazier up. Hard to be a martyr when you screw up. Today's question: WHAT DID YOU ALMOST ACHIEVE, BUT JUST DIDN'T?
SIT AND SPIN
Jolene contributed to "Weed Week!" by bringing us the 'top 10 stoner songs of all time'. Here's the link:
I agreed with some of the list, most of it, really, but with the caveat that I don't know how I'd rankthem, but they're (almost) all good songs to listen to when you're stoned.
Aw crap, did it again! Maybe it's because of "Weed Week!" , but I forgot to post this blog yesterday as well!"
Wednesday our head chef, Thee Ted Smith brought us a list of the 25 best stoner foods. No matter if you agree or dissagree, you will be hungrey by the end of this list.
Until later today, STAY BEAUTIFUL!"
SHOW # 1912 APRIL 8 2014
There's a guy named Heath, and Heath joined an online dating service a few months ago. The long- and- short of his "dilemma" is this; he met a "beautiful" woman who, in his words, was "prefect"... she was hot AND has a good personality, but there's one thing he admits he just can't move past; she's missing a thumb. This really bugs Heath. Doesn't seem like a big deal to me, but in the pursuit of nookie, I've ignored smells, sounds, hair in unexpected places, terrifying moles and lazy eyes. Sometimes you just wanna get laid and it doesn't matter what that might entail. On that note, the folks at Reddit came up with this
Sometimes, when you're super- horny and you find that CAN scratch that itch, well, you tolerate some things that you'd normally find to be a deal- breaker. WHAT'S THE HARDEST THING YOU'VE HAD TO IGNORE IN THE PURSUIT OF SEX?
Went to a girl's house; she'd left a monster turd in the toilet
Beautiful woman, but she had an under- developed right hand
On a camping trip, his friend walked in, but the girl didn't notice, so he kept going
She had an extended tailbone, which is 'nice- speak for a f**king TAIL!
The girl he was with wanted her boyfriend to watch so he could learn 'good oral technique'. Says a lot
She endured a hairy- shouldered man with a small penis
Dealt with a "seriously cross- eyed" woman. I can't lie, and maybe I'll sound shallow and cruel, but I would laugh my ass off.
Had sex with his girlfriend in the car... while his friends were pounding on the windows wanting a ride
Lots and lots and lots and lots and lots and lots of hair... none of it on his head
She had a large and hairy mole just above her tailbone. He actually lost his erection... and he was in the process of losing his virginity!
She would hold her breath until she passed out. First time she did it, it freaked him out because he didn't know if she was dead or not
Beautiful girl "inside and out", as he put it... but she had a severe speech impediment and he couldn't deal
The girl he dated for awhile LAUGHED when she climaxed... that's what she told him, anyway
Until tomorrow, rock out and STAY BEAUTIFUL!"
SHOW # 1903 MARCH 25 2014
Actress Julianne Hough caused an uproar last year when she went to a Halloween party in blackface. She was actually dressed as a character from the Netflix show "Orange is the New Black", but that brought her no reprieve. Robert Downey Junior donned blackface for his character in the movie 'Tropic Thunder' and no one cared. No one cared when Billy Crystal routinely donned blackface during his SNL days when he parodied Sammy Davis Junior. Shawn and Marlon Wayans wore whiteface for their stunningly terrible movie "White Chicks". Well now, Nick Cannon, whipped husband of Mariah Carey, has a new album coming out called "White People Party Music", and to promote it, he's created a character named Connor Smallnut... which is just Nick in whiteface. As you might imagine, some people have a problem with this. And then there's former Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld. It's no secret that he's no fan of our current President... just part of the typical partisan whining sh*t, but in a diatribe last night about Obama's mishandling of Afghanistan, Rummy stated that "a trained ape" could have done a better job. He had no racial intent, but you know it unfolded anyway. It's easy to offend people these days. Hell, people, as best I can tell, LOVE to be offended. It's the new thing. Anyway, we're sure you've offended someone, but we're wondering if you meant to. LAST TIME YOU OFFENDED SOMEONE, WAS IT INTENTIONAL OR NOT?
Works in pest control; a client asked how he managed to situate himself in a certain part of the house. He responded with, "because I'm skinny." The homeowner was fat and took it wrong.
Told his girlfriend she had National Geographic boobs. That's never a compliment
Asked a dude with one leg what his handicap was... he was talking about golf
Told a Jewish joke to a woman who'd just married a Jewish guy
Waiting for a car to back out of a parking space. Accidentally hit his horn, the other driver thought he was being a d*ck and things got wee bit dicey
Bought a Chihuahua but hadn't registered the dog yet, so he made the joke that the dog was an illegal alien... the Hispanic woman he was talking to didn't think it was funny
A woman asked if he would get something for him; he said, "you have legs". She didn't. She leg. Just one.
Some old dude wanted to fight him because his ears are gauged
SIT AND SPIN
As we do every Tuesday, we invited Jolene in for another episode of Sit and Spin. On today's episode we covered the seven surprising musicians who sang in commercials. I was particularly surprised by Paul Stanley, but that's just me. Here's a link:
OK bitches, sh*t to do so I'm outtie.
Until tomorrow, snuff the rooster and STAY BEAUTIFUL!"
SHOW # 1900 MARCH 20 2014
A guy in England lost his mother and attempted to mourn her death... which is par for the course... but he just couldn't do it. It's not because he didn't love his mother, it's because his (bitch) wife wouldn't stop singing "Ding- Dong, the Witch is Dead" . Seriously. As you might imagine, things didn't end well between that couple. In a nutshell, he freaked out and locked her in a shed, she escaped and confronted him, he grabbed her boobs and started twisting them (???) and he was arrested. Initially it seems hard to imagine that someone (the wife) could be so insensitive... and then I read that Fred Phelps, founder of the Westboro Baptist Church died this morning and I broke into song... to the tune of the Curtis Mayfield classic, "Freddie's Dead". It happens sometimes; you celebrate someone else's misfortune. And that is today's question: WHEN DID YOU TAKE JOY SOMEONE ELSE'S MISFORTUNE?
Broke up with an abusive boyfriend after 4 years... the day she broke it off, he also found out that he's lost his job, all three of his snowmobiles 'broke', his car stopped working AND his truck broke down
Dated a guy for three years, he cheated on her but they worked it out... three years later he left her and married the woman he'd cheated with... they just got into a bad car accident
Ex- wife got herpes from the guy she'd left him for. I think that would make anyone happy
He's happy every time UFC fighter Josh Koshcheck gets his ass kicked
When the "jerk" he worked for in the army got court- marshaled
Was delighted to find out that his ex just had a really ugly baby
Saw a blind guy run into a stop sign and fall over
Loves watching his friends deal with their kids' temper tantrums, unexpected bodily functions, etc.
Recommended a friend to a jog... that friend stole from the company, then had sex with someone else's girlfriend. The pleasure came when he rolled his truck 10 times
Her ex got "fat, ugly and old looking"
Her rude and obnoxious neighbor just got evicted
Took joy in the fact that her sister got too fat to fit into her wedding dress... before the wedding
OK, I'm out, bitches.
Until tomorrow, skip Frozen and STAY BEAUTIFUL!"
SHOW # 1898 March 18 2014
Anyone who has a job or has EVER had a job... whether you loved or hated it... knows that customers/ clients, have a way of ruining your day. Maybe they mean to, maybe they don't, but it happens... and it happens frequently. If you're lucky, you're job doesn't require you to deal with the public directly, but if you're not- so- lucky, there is, inevitably, a list of things you can count on day- to- day that will drive you nuts. With that in mind, we have a list of '8 Things We Do That Servers Hate' and a list of '7 Ways to Annoy a Flight Attendant'. We picked these because these jobs are all about dealing with the public. Whatever your job is, we wanted to know: WHEN IT COMES TO YOUR JOB, WHAT CAN YOU GUARENTEE CUSTOMERS WILL DO TO PISS YOU OFF?
Cook: When people don't stick to the menu
Pharmacist: when people wait until the last minute to call in a prescription
Cop: people who put their hands up instantly and say "I didn't do it!" I would think as a cop you'd just kinda hate everyone.
Works at a call center: can't stand people who ask "why is there a late charge?"
Mailman: every day he's asked, "what's in the package?" If they know, they're a criminal.
Barista: being asked, "how big is the 16 ounce?" WTF?!? 16 fluid ounces is 16 fluid ounces. Always. You can tell when they call it '16 ounces'.
Hockey ref: people complain about every call he makes. Comes with the territory. No one ever believes that their team could possibly be guilty of an infraction. Must be a conspiracy! Come on.
Drives a recycling truck: hates people who won't just put their recycling IN the can provided
Lots more answers, but it really turned into a bitch- fest... which is fine, but I'm looking for some levity here.
SIT AND SPIN
Yea, I'm getting (have gotten?) old, but when Jolene told us that she was bringing is Baby metal, I assumed she meant that Rock-a-by-Baby stuff that's all the rage; songs from Metallica, Tool, Megadeth, etc. played on a xylophone or whatever. I was wrong. Turns out that Baby Metal is an actual f**king band. It's a three- piece chic band from Japan. Had no idea. Here's a link:
OK bitches, I'm outta here.
Until tomorrow, hide the gun and STAY BEAUTIFUL!"