SHOW # 1432 February 3 2012 "Hola,   So super Bowl XLVI (46, bitches) is this Sunday, and as good as the game SHOULD be, featuring a rematch of Super Bowl XLII (42, bitches), when the Giants ruined the Patriots dream of the perfect season... most of what's being talked about is the Madonna halftime performance (whoopty- f**king- do) and the commercials... same as every year.  Oddly enough, the game itself has become the least anticipated part of the, well, GAME.  Nevertheless, people find SOMETHING to get excited about.  Commercials, halftime "entertainment", a Super Bowl PARTY, their new TV, whatever.  For people who HATE football, you're probably looking forward to a merciful end to the football season.  There will always be something we get excited about, and if we're lucky, it's worth the anticipation... but it isn't always.  Today's question:  WHAT DID YOU GET HYPED UP FOR AND DID IT MEET YOUR EXPECTATIONS?   Looking very forward to his HD/ 3-D TV... not sure wht to make of these new 3-D tv's... are they worth it?  Are shows any better in three dimensions?   Bought an Audi R8 and loves it   His divorce... said it was worth it.  Of COURSE it was worth it... still one of the best moments of my adult life   Was super- excited to see spider- Man 3... was completely let down.  Who wasn't?  That movie was truly one of the worst excuses for a trilogy ender ever   Was excited for his first concert... and he loved it, in spite of the fact the concert featured Poison, Damn Yankees and Lifehouse   Looked forward to seeing Steve Miller in concert a few years back and was sorely disappointed.... said Steve brought a rapper out on stage to redo "Fly Like an Eagle" and then went into endless guitar solos   Very hyped for his date tonight... he's hoping to lose his virginity   Looked forward to combat, as in the real life and death kind... says it was more extreme than he thought.  Yea, I'll bet it was   Couldn't wait for his honeymoon in Jamaica... said it was worth it   Like me, he used to get all excited about the Pay- per- View Mike Tyson fights back in the day... LOVED Tyson but it was always a rip-off because he beat the sh*t outta everyone in less than a round.  Always paid for his fights though   OK bitches, I'm outta here.  Gotta get up at 5 or something tomorrow for a 7 o'clock flight.  Going to the Super Bowl.  Should be cool.  More importantly I need to grab 2 shot glasses, 1 from Minnesota and 1 from Indiana.   We're taking Monday off so we can avoid talking about f**king commercials.  If you feel you need to hear about commercials, mark my words, EVERY OTHER radio show in the country will be talking about it.  Lame.   Until Tuesday, do what you do best and STAY BEAUTIFUL!" SHOW # 1431 February 2 2012 "Hola,   According to court documents , Pilar Sanders, the soon- to- be- ex- wife of NFL great Deion Sanders, is asking a judge to force Deion to give her money so she can financially support herself and her children.  She also claims that Deion has only offered her money in exchange for sexual favors.  It should be noted that nowhere in the court filings does she consider getting a JOB.  Deion hasn't responded to her sex- for- money accusations, but there's no reason to NOT believe her BECAUSE THAT'S HOW IT WORKS!  We've been saying                 his show, but guys wanna get laid... that's why we ask you out on a date, pay for dinner, sit through sappy movies, endure dumb sh*t like Valentine's Day and deal with your nagging.  Yes, we love you, but we REALLY love that sweet, sweet eel skinner.  And you KNOW it.  The promise of sex is man's primary motivator to co- exist.  It's why porn exists and why most Hollywood types are hotter than they are talented, it's why Weigh watchers and L.A. Fitness exist, it's why make- up exists.  And now we have Pilar Sanders pretending she doesn't understand the most basic of all human equations.  What's the oldest profession?  And why do you think that is?  Today we asked you to drop the pretense, dispense the with the fake morality and give it to us straight:  WHAT HAVE YOU GIVEN OR DONE WITH THE EXPECTATION OF SEX?   Here's what we heard:   Paid a woman a compliment   Gave up the single life and expects to be compensated with booty   Went to see 'Mama Mia'... got laid but said it wasn't worth it   Woman called to say "expect nothing"... which works both ways   Set foot in North Carolina... been to North Carolina, no ass in the UNIVERSE is worth a second trip   Drank gluten- free beer LITE beer... like North Carolina, it ain't worth it   Sat through an entire season of 'Sex and the City'... not worth it   Went to the theatre to see 'Twilight'... almost walked out but endured it and got laid   Everything he's done since the age of 14 (the age of 'discovery) is to get laid   She put on lingerie and stood in the doorway... her husband (at the time) preferred video games.  We asked if she's an ugly pig and she said no, but come on.   Spelled out "I kiss the ground you walk on" with Hershey Kisses... got nothing.  Maybe she recognized how sad it was   Took her on a $200 'dinner train' ride... all was going well until his credit card was declined   On prom night he ran over and killed his dates cat (by accident) after the prom but on the way to the after party... HE STILL GOT LAID... either she hated the cat or he is the smoothest son of a bitch EVER!   Got drugs for a chick in Bangkok... never found out if he got laid, but that's the dangerous endeavor   OK, I'm outta here to work on a 'special, secret' project.   Until tomorrow, stand your ground motherf**ker and STAY BEAUTIFUL!" SHOW # 1430 February 1 2012 "Hola,   On yesterday's show, Thee Ted Smith informed us that two separate gentlemen have claimed to have figured out the EXACT day Ice Cube was referring to in his 1993 song "It Was a Good Day".  One guy claims it was January 20, 1992, while the other guy says it was November 30, 1988.  Both guys took clues from the song, applied them to their knowledge of Ice Cube's life and discovered that they both need to get a life.  Actually, all of us need to get a life.  Everyone I know (myself included) knows a whole lot about something that means absolutely nothing, whether it's the guy who can quote every line in 'Star Wars' or the guy who knows the writing credits of each and every Uriah Heap song or the guy who has a list of all the words you can spell upside down on a calculator... oh wait, that's me.  WHAT TRIVIAL BIT OF KNOWLEDGE IS WASTING YOUR VALUABLE BRAIN SPACE?   Here are some completely useless facts for you to waste time with:   Shakespeare invented the words "assassination" and "bump"   Women blink nearly twice as much as men... which is why we stare at their breasts instead   A giraffe can go longer without water than a camel... and camels really hate them for it   Only female mosquitoes bite... which kinda figures   Bees have five eyes... bees with glasses are often called "10 eyes", and that hurts the bees feelings   Only humans and horses have hymens... well, the FEMALE ones   The word "set" has more definitions than any other word in the English language... which means it's really easy to take things out of context   "Dreamt" is the only word in the English language that ends with "mt"... and it's the only word in the English language pronounced dreamt   A group of rhinos is called a crash... explains itself   Pearls melt in vinegar... people melt in lava   Barbie's measurements if she were life- size would be 39-23-33... she would also be a whore   Almonds are members of the peach family... I've never met the Peach family, but I here the father is an alcoholic   The first word spoken by an ape in the movie 'Planet of the Apes' was "smile"... in the director's cut the first full sentence was "I CAN F**KING TALK!"   A pig's orgasm lasts for 30 minutes... and I thought I was really awesome, but no   In England, the Speaker of the House is not allowed to speak... the English have little grasp of irony   The giant squid has the largest eyes in nature... which is why they suck at being peeping Toms   The 'face' side of a penny weighs more than the 'tails' side, so in a coin flip involving a penny, always pick 'tails'   Louis Armstrong and Telly Savalas both died on their birthdays... or were they born on their death days?  Hmmmmm?   The Old English word for "sneeze" is "fneosan"... which you can only actually pronounce IF you're sneezing   Walt Disney was afraid of mice... which explains why he created one that's 6 f**king feet tall   Turtles can breathe through their butts... which is AWESOME   OK then, bitches, I've just made you smarter and YOU'RE WELCOME!   Go impress your friends with your new knowledge.   You've been swell... well not YOU, but you.   Until tomorrow, wash your neck and STAY BEAUTIFUL!"   SHOW # 1429 January 31 2012 "Hola,   Earlier this month, a guy from England tweeted that he was going to 'destroy America' before he boarded a flight  to Los Angeles.  He probably could have phrased his intentions a little better, but what he MEANT was that he was gonna get drunk and party his ass off.  The Department of Homeland Security didn't understand his meaning, so he was detained.  That's to be expected.  What wasn't expected is that no one at the DHS was aware that 'destroy' is British slang for "party"... and even though the guy spent 12 HOURS explaining this to the brain trust that supposedly protects this country, he and his girlfriend were deported.  Hey, DHS, have you even HEARD of Wikipedia?  It does wonders.  Besides, I can't think of a slang term for drinking, being drunk or partying that, taken out of context, DOESN'T sound threatening; hammered, stoned, smashed, f**ked up, paralyzed, sh*t- faced, etc.  Don't use those terms around the DHS.  They don't get it.  Sad but true.  Meanwhile, outside of San Francisco, a National Parks ranger Tasered a guy for committing an atrocious and unspeakable act... walking his dog without a leash!  I know!  LOCK YOUR DOORS!  It's no secret that overreaction is the new, hip thing in this country, or as Shakespeare would say, there is much ado about nothing... and we've all been the victim of a punishment that doesn't fit the crime.  Today we wanted to know:  LEGAL OR NOT, WHAT IS THE MOST EXTREME PUNISHMENT YOU'VE RECEIVED FOR SOMETHING SMALL?   I was once arrested for resisting arrest.  Do the math and you'll see my position.  The REAL reason I was arrested was 'WWB', better known as 'walking while black'.  Still a  'crime' in certain neighborhoods.  Nevertheless, the charge was dropped because, as a judge explained (and as I had fruitlessly explained at the time) you have to be arrested for something IN THE FIRST PLACE.  Gotta love America.   That's my story, here are some of yours:   Gave another girl a massage, told his girlfriend about it and she got pissed... yea, listen man, you're girlfriend got pissed because she's not stupid.  Unless you're a professional masseuse, why would you basically molest another woman unless, deep down, you're just copping a feel?   Was thrown in jail for .4 grams of weed... that was POINT 4 grams of weed... got 90 days in jail and a $1000 fine.  He was originally stopped for WALKING with is bike without a helmet.  That was in Bellevue   Got 'contributing to a minor' when he was 19... spent time in jail before they dropped the charges.  He was 19   Stole what he THOUGHT was a $2 bottle of some kind of drink from a grocery store... found out it was a $250 bottle of some kind of drink and was banned from the chain for a year... that's not that bad   Had his ass whipped with a belt by his father for something he didn't do   Attempted suicide when she was 17, the cops showed up, found a roach and arrested her for possession.  You know, I don't condone suicide, but how do you fail?  Anything you can do by accident isn't that hard to do on purpose.  I'm glad you're alive, my dear, but really?   Took some 'sample' cookies from Albertson's and was tackled by security... which begs the question; what does Albertson's regard as a 'sample'?   Was grounded at age 12 for her entire summer vacation for reading 'Lord of the Rings'... apparently the guy was an 'old fashioned' meth head.  PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT:  old- fashioned meth heads don't like books   Paid $1800 for a broken tail light that cost $10   Expelled from school for telling a girl that she hated her... there was a kid expelled from school for DRAWING a gun   $127 dollar fine for not buying a $2.50 light rail ticket   SIT AND SPIN   So Van Halen is coming to town (like Santa Claus) and people are unnecessarily freaking out because Kool and the Gang will be opening.  On the surface it sounds ridiculous, but anyone familiar with the David Lee Roth version of Van Halen would be hard pressed to argue the negatives of K and the G opening for VH.  That didn't stop the haters, of course.  Anyway, we played some K and the G and the response was split 50/ 50... some people hated it, some loved it.  See what you think here:   I'm out!   Until tomorrow, get down on it and STAY BEAUTIFUL!" SHOW # 1428 January 27 2012 "Hola,   A 15- year- old girl in North Florida called 911 last week after she overheard her mother and her mother's boyfriend having sex.  No one, and I mean NO ONE wants to hear their parents having sex, but few of us would call 911.  More than that, the girl wanted to be placed in a Christian children's shelter.  That's right, so scarred by hearing her mother have sex, the girl found God.  Meanwhile, in Pennsylvania, a man went to a bar.  Not very exciting, I know.  He left his three kids, ages 1, 3, and 6 home alone.  No one would have known but the guy kept trying to start fights and the cops were called.  He told them about the kid's at home and explained that "God was watching them."  Well, even the folks who DO believe in God don't believe in Him SO much that they think he'll babysit.  Whatever the case, the guy was arrested and the kids were placed into protective custody.  With some notable exceptions, parents do the best they can, but even their valiant attempts aren't perfect.  Maybe you heard them having sex, SAW them having sex or overheard them bitching about YOU!  Today we wanted to know:  HOW DID YOUR PARENTS OR FAMILY UNINTENTIONALLY SCAR YOU?   Walked in on his parents having sex   When she was 6- years- old, her brother convinced her that she'd undergone a sex change operation at birth because their mother wanted a girl   Recently overheard his GRANDPARENTS having sex.  He was with his girlfriend at the time and it ruined any sexual mojo they may have had   Found his step- mom's "huge toy"   BAD:  Walked in on mom and step-dad having sex  WORSE:  It involved a whip and a ball- gag   Just started college, had his dad's old laptop... and the sex video STARING his dad   Heard that his aunt and uncle had a three way with his friend   He's in a band and his mother just HAS to go to all of his shows, getting drunk and being embarrassing   His twin brother has always been taller and more popular... still sounds bitter   In 5th grade his buddy put in a porn... it was of his buddy's GRANDMOTHER   When he was 14, his mother got drunk and told him the story of his conception... in detail.  Happened to be a 4th of July weekend and his mother made the comment that "your father's rocket was definitely exploding!"   His dad got him hooked on meth... thanks Dad!   Found dirty pictures of his mother when he was 8.  If that weren't bad enough, his friend kept "looking" at them for about 15 minutes.  Yea, his friend masturbated to pictures of his mother   His mother shot him up with cocaine when he was 13- years- old!  That's one of the most irresponsible things I've ever heard... such a waste of coke!   I'll leave you with that because I'm that kind of guy.   Have yourselves a merry weekend, bitches.   Until Monday, do what you do best and STAY BEAUTIFUL!"